{"id":3153,"date":"2025-04-29T09:13:44","date_gmt":"2025-04-29T09:13:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thementoringproject.com\/?post_type=field_guides&p=3153"},"modified":"2026-05-09T13:07:35","modified_gmt":"2026-05-09T13:07:35","slug":"marriage-gods-way","status":"publish","type":"field_guides","link":"https:\/\/thementoringproject.com\/fa\/field-guide\/marriage-gods-way\/","title":{"rendered":"#13 What is Marriage: A Biblical Guide to Love and Unity"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Part 1: What is marriage?<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019ve briefly looked at four characteristics of marriage as portrayed in God\u2019s Word. But we\u2019ve waited to talk about the purpose <\/em>of marriage. What does it all mean? Why did God institute marriage in the first place?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To Display Christ\u2019s Relationship with the Church<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

We see signs throughout the Old Testament that marriage is a metaphor for God\u2019s relationship with his people. The prophet Isaiah encourages Israel by reminding them, \u201cYour Maker is your husband\u201d (Is. 54:5). In the book of Jeremiah, God scathingly refers to Israel\u2019s faithlessness as adultery and playing the whore (Jer. 3:8). Yet the prophet Hosea assures Israel that God will betroth them to himself forever (Hos. 2:19\u201320).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But it\u2019s not until we get to the New Testament that God fully reveals the \u201cmystery\u201d that was hidden until Christ came: Marriage points to the relationship between Jesus and his bride, the church.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As Paul writes, \u201c\u2018Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.\u2019 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church\u201d (Eph. 5:31\u201332).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When God wanted to communicate the intensity, depth, beauty, power, and unchanging nature of Christ\u2019s relationship with those he redeemed, he instituted marriage. No other relationship so fully mirrors God\u2019s ultimate purposes in the universe as the lifelong covenant between a husband and his wife. It\u2019s a living, breathing illustration of the Gospel of grace.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s true that God describes his relationship with us in other ways: a father to his children (Is. 63:16), a master to his servant (Is. 49:3), a shepherd to his flock (Ps. 23:1), a friend to a friend (John 15:15). But at the beginning of the Bible and at the very end, it\u2019s a bride and a groom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, \u201cBehold, the dwelling place
of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away\u201d (Rev. 21:2\u20134).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here, at the end of history, we see the aim of history. God is finally dwelling with his people, and it\u2019s a husband and his bride \u2014 Jesus and the church \u2014 enjoying a perfect union forever.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Every wedding in this life, as magnificent as some might be, pales in comparison to the marriage supper of the Lamb yet to come (Rev. 19:9). Marriage represents a love so glorious, so enduring, so powerful, so joy-filled, it will take your breath away. And this becomes even clearer  when we see it from God\u2019s perspective:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2013 At a wedding, we see two flawed individuals promising to love each other for as long as they live. God sees Jesus promising to love his people for eternity. This contrast helps us understand what is marriage from God\u2019s perspective.
\u2013 At a wedding, we see two individuals saying \u201cI do,\u201d not knowing what lies ahead. God sees Jesus, before time began, saying \u201cI do,\u201d knowing exactly what would come. This reflects the deeper Christian marriage meaning rooted in divine purpose rather than human certainty.
\u2013 At a wedding, we see a beautiful wedding and reception that will be over in a few hours. God sees
an eternal banquet of joy, peace, and love, celebrating the union of Christ and his bride, made spotless through the atoning work of Christ (Rev. 19:9). These Bible verses about marriage lift our eyes beyond
the ceremony to eternal realities.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This means marriage isn\u2019t ultimately about us. It can\u2019t be, because marriages in this life are temporary. Though lovers may promise eternal devotion to one another, in the new heavens and earth, \u201cthey
neither marry nor are given in marriage\u201d (Matt. 22:30). Being husband and wife is about the privilege of displaying to a lost and watching world the faithfulness, holiness, passion, mercy, perseverance, and joy that characterize the eternal relationship between Jesus and those he died to save. This is the true purpose of marriage revealed throughout marriage in the Bible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To Make Us More Like Christ<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Given how glorious marriage is, it should be evident that none of us is up to the assignment! That was especially true in my case. I often look back on our wedding day and wonder what led me to think I was ready to get married. I was proud, self-centered, immature, lazy, and confused. Not to mention poor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But in God\u2019s kindness, he uses Biblical marriage to conform us to the image of his Son (Rom. 8:29). We don\u2019t stay the same person. Of course, God can change us when we\u2019re single. But marriage in the Bible brings a new set of challenges that range from the silly (which way to hang the toilet paper, how to get somewhere, what determines \u201cmessy\u201d), to the significant (where to live, what church to join, how to spend your money). Decisions once made on our own now involve another person. And that person happens to sleep in your bed!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God\u2019s instructions to husband and wife in the New Testament show us what kind of change he\u2019s after. Wives are to submit to and respect their husbands (Eph. 5:22, 33). Husbands are commanded to love
their wives, to give themselves up for them, and to cherish them as their own bodies (Eph. 5:25, 28\u201329). Peter says wives are to be subject to their husbands and focus on an internal, rather than external, beauty (1 Pet. 3:1\u20133). He says husbands are to pursue understanding their wives (rather than assume they know what they\u2019re thinking), and to view them as co-heirs of God\u2019s grace (1 Pet. 3:7). These specific commands, often summarized under Ephesians 5 marriage, go against the grain of our sinful tendencies as men and women, and at the same time assure us that God wants to use our spouse to change us. Are you looking for opportunities to be less selfish, proud, angry, independent, domineering, and impatient? This is part
of the purpose of marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But confronting our sin isn\u2019t the only way God changes us in a Godly marriage. It also provides a context for modeling and experiencing firsthand the kind of love, mercy, and grace that Christ has shown us.
In the context of companionship, forgiveness in marriage, encouragement, and kindness, God softens
our hearts and deepens spiritual intimacy, wooing us by his Spirit into the likeness of Christ.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To Expand God\u2019s Kingdom<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Up to this point, we haven\u2019t touched on how children fit into the Christian marriage meaning. But throughout Scripture, children are seen as a reward, a joy, and something for which we should pray
(Ps. 113:9; 127:3; Gen. 25:21). Barrenness is described alternatively as a cause for grief or a sign of discipline (1 Sam. 1:6\u20137; Gen. 20:18). God brings husband and wife together so that they might be
fruitful and multiply, filling the earth with other image-bearers who will bring him glory (Gen. 1:22, 28).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That doesn\u2019t mean a childless couple is sinning or outside of God\u2019s will. Some couples are unable to conceive. Others have chosen to delay having children for various reasons. One can\u2019t say that to be truly fulfilled, a husband and wife must bear children. But the family remains one of the surest and most fulfilling contexts for raising disciples who will be ambassadors for Christ as they grow older, reflecting the enduring vision of marriage for life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Discussion & Reflection:<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
    \n
  1. Were any of the purposes of marriage in this chapter new to you? Are any of them particularly challenging to your understanding of what is marriage?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  2. If you\u2019re married, how do you seek to display these purposes? If you\u2019re not yet married, how would you hope to display them?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    \u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Part 2: What Is Marriage For?<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    It\u2019s likely that some people reading this field guide are single. So I want to talk about the season between friendship and engagement and how it relates to Biblical marriage. How does someone navigate that potentially awkward, tense, uncomfortable, anxiety-producing time? Does it have to be that confusing?
    Is there a Biblical process rooted in the purpose of marriage?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    As my opening story made evident, I didn\u2019t have a clue what I was doing when Julie and I were dating. But after walking our six kids through weddings, and talking to hundreds of singles preparing for Christian marriage, it\u2019s a lot clearer than it used to be!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The Bible describes three basic relationships as adults: friends, engaged, and married. Each one involves a commitment that ultimately prepares us for husband and wife life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u2013 In friendship, we commit to serving the Lord and others.
    \u2013 In engagement, we commit to marry someone.
    \u2013 In marriage, we commit to fulfilling God\u2019s purposes as a husband or wife within marriage in the Bible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    It\u2019s tempting to create a new category between the first two. We even come up with unique names for it: dating, courtship, super-friendship, pre-discovery, having a special friend, and being intentionally involved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Whatever we call it, it\u2019s not a new status with special privileges like physical intimacy\u2014which Scripture reserves for Biblical marriage\u2014or authority over one another\u2019s schedules. We\u2019re engaging in a new pursuit that will hopefully enable us to discern God\u2019s will while honoring God\u2019s boundaries regarding premarital sex. Essentially, we remain friends who are committed to discovering whether or not this is the person we want to spend our lives with in a Godly marriage. Here are some principles that can guide us along the way of discovery.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Know What It Means to Be a Friend<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    God speaks specifically to what kinds of friendships glorify him, and those commands don\u2019t become irrelevant when we\u2019re exploring whether or not someone could be a future spouse within Christian marriage meaning. They become our foundation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u2013 \u201cA man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother\u201d (Prov. 18:24). Friends care about you specifically and personally.
    \u2013 \u201cA friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity\u201d (Prov. 17:17). Friends aren\u2019t fickle or fair-weather. They stick around during hard times.
    \u2013 \u201cA dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends\u201d (Prov. 16:28). Friends don\u2019t gossip or slander about each other.
    \u2013 \u201cFaithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy\u201d (Prov. 27:6). Friends tell you the truth about yourself for your good.
    \u2013 \u201cOil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel\u201d (Prov. 27:9). Friendships are strengthened and sweetened by intentional conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Romans 12:9\u201311 sheds more light on what God-honoring friendships look like and how they prepare us for Biblical marriage:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u201cLet love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord\u201d (Rom. 12:9\u201311).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    In other words, the primary focus of a friendship is serving, not selfishness; encouraging, not enticing; preparing, not playing. Friendship is to be characterized by authenticity, Godliness, honor, zeal, and service\u2014virtues essential for a future husband and wife relationship. In fact, the more we aim to serve others, the more opportunities we find for relationships to develop.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    But what happens when you meet someone you think could be a potential spouse? Before we even begin to ask whether he or she is the one<\/em>, we need to ask ourselves, \u201cCould I be the one<\/em> for someone else?\u201d If the answer is \u201cno,\u201d then you don\u2019t even need to be thinking about what is marriage yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    In his book Single, Dating, Engaged, Married<\/em>, Ben Stuart describes those two approaches as the difference between a consumer mentality and a companion <\/em>mentality. As a consumer<\/em>, I think about what I want, what I\u2019m looking for, and what will serve me. It\u2019s a short-sighted, self-centered perspective that turns people into products. But people aren\u2019t products. They\u2019re human beings made in the image of God, worthy of the dignity reflected in Biblical marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    In contrast, a companion mentality realizes: I have something to contribute to the relationship, and it asks if I can contribute meaningfully to a life together with this person, not if they simply check all my boxes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    So let\u2019s assume you\u2019re in a position to start looking for a spouse. At some point, you find a person you\u2019re attracted to. It may be their Godliness, their laugh, their appearance, their humility, or the way they serve. You like this person and want to be with them more, potentially discerning a future marriage covenant meaning grounded in Scripture.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    What happens next looks different for men and women. Generally, men are the ones who initiate, and women are the ones who respond. But we\u2019re going to look at six characteristics in this time of pursuit and exploration that will serve both genders as they prepare for Christian marriage advice in the next sections.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    1. Pursue with Humility<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    It\u2019s not uncommon for couples to be well into a relationship before they think about seeking counsel. Maybe we trust ourselves, don\u2019t want others to tell us it\u2019s a bad idea, or are excited that someone actually likes us. But Scripture tells us that, \u201cWhoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered\u201d (Prov. 28:26).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The number of singles who have humbly sought counsel about a new relationship is dwarfed by those who pursued a relationship independently and ended up in self-centeredness, sadness, or sin. This kind of humility is foundational Christian marriage advice, even before marriage begins.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Ask your friends, parents, small-group leader, or pastor whether it\u2019s wise to explore a relationship with this individual. Keep them up to date for accountability, encouragement, and prayer\u2014practices that often grow into lifelong prayers for marriage. And make sure you\u2019re asking people who will be brutally honest with you!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    2. Pursue with Prayer<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    James promises, \u201cIf any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him\u201d (James 1:5). Exploring the potential of marrying someone requires a great deal of wisdom. But it\u2019s important to distinguish between praying for wisdom and praying God would make a certain person your future spouse. I\u2019ve known individuals in a relationship who only prayed it would lead to marriage. But that\u2019s not praying for wisdom. It\u2019s asking for a result. Humble prayer says we\u2019re willing to hear from God as to whether or not a particular person could be our spouse in a Biblical marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    3. Pursue with Integrity<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    God tells us that, \u201cWhoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out\u201d (Prov. 10:9). Walking in integrity means being clear about what\u2019s happening in your relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    A girl (or a guy) shouldn\u2019t be wondering why you\u2019re suddenly spending so much time together. There should be a conversation. The man should make it clear that he wants to find out whether God intends this relationship to lead to marriage and that he wants to pursue growing knowledge, not growing intimacy. And as a father of four girls, I can assure you that in most cases, it\u2019s helpful to check in with the girls\u2019 father to communicate your intentions. This kind of clarity helps prevent confusion later in conflict resolution marriage situations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    As the relationship develops, talk about how things are going and what the next steps look like. Are you seeing each other too much? Too little? Talk about encouraging things, as well as any concerns. It can be helpful to allow for times without communication as well, to give each other space to process the relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    If any flags or checks arise, you should talk about them openly and honestly. You haven\u2019t committed to a lifelong relationship yet. If the concerns are serious\u2014such as theological differences or lifestyle choices\u2014and can\u2019t be resolved, you can end the relationship as friends. Scripture\u2019s warning about being unequally yoked (cf. 2 Cor. 6:14) is especially relevant here. \u201cWhoever gives an honest answer kisses the lips\u201d (Prov. 24:26).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    4. Pursue with Purity<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    Confusion in the area of purity is one of the greatest hindrances to a God-glorifying time of discovery. But Scripture indicates that any type of sexual arousal between a man and woman is reserved for the covenant of marriage. This is why the Bible consistently warns against premarital sex. First Thessalonians 4:3\u20136 tells us we are not to walk in the passion of lust like unbelievers, that sinning in this area affects others, and that sexual purity is a serious matter in God\u2019s eyes. We\u2019re to put to death things like \u201csexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry\u201d (Col. 3:5). Paul tells Timothy to \u201ctreat\u2026younger women like sisters, in all purity\u201d (1 Tim. 5:1\u20132).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Establish clear guidelines and keep them. During our engagement, Julie and I aimed not to do anything that would arouse either one of us. That might mean something as innocent as holding hands. Sometimes just being near each other could be too much. How much more of a reason to take precaution and exercise self-control!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    God doesn\u2019t want us to be deceived in this area. Arousing interactions affect us physically and are designed to lead to more of the same. God set it up that way to ensure ongoing sexual relations in marriage to populate the earth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Proverbs is filled with warnings for those who don\u2019t take God\u2019s prohibition against sexual sin seriously. If you can sit next to each other in an apartment alone at night for two hours and nothing happens, don\u2019t assume you\u2019re above the possibility of compromise. Being proud that you can handle a potentially tempting situation is often only a prelude to a situation when you can\u2019t (Prov. 16:18). God kindly warns us in Proverbs 6:27\u201328, \u201cCan a man carry fire next to his chest and his clothes not be burned? Or can one walk on hot coals and his feet not be scorched?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    When in doubt, pursue honoring Christ, not testing your limits.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    And remember that while the blood of Christ assures our complete forgiveness for any and every sin, it also means we have been bought with a price\u2014so glorify God in your body
    (1 Cor. 6:20).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    5. Pursue with Intentionality<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    Exploring a relationship with a potential spouse involves more than hanging out together. Learn as much as you can about the other person to discern whether this is your future spouse. Now is the time to ask as many questions as you can think of, and then ask some more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Are they a Christian? How well do they understand and apply the Gospel? What is their view of God\u2019s Word? How involved are they in their church? What do their friends say about them? How do they work through conflicts\u2014skills that will later shape forgiveness in marriage? What are their goals, hobbies, and interests? How do they relate to their siblings? How do they view men\u2019s and women\u2019s roles? What is their health history? How do they work through sin, discouragement, and disappointment? What is the direction for their life?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    And that\u2019s just to get you going. As your questions are answered, God will either confirm your attraction or lead you to end the relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    6. Pursue with Faith<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    I\u2019ve often talked to single adults who wonder if a season of exploration will ever happen, or are fearful about their current relationship. But God is eager to guide us through this season and wants us to have faith that he will speak clearly as the relationship progresses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    And what is that faith directed towards? For a man, it means he believes God will confirm whether or not he\u2019s found the woman that he wants to lead, care for, cherish, provide for, and protect for the rest of his life\u2014a vision rooted in Ephesians 5 marriage teaching (Eph. 5:25\u201333; 1 Pet. 3:7; Prov. 5:15\u201319; Col. 3:19). For a woman, it means God will confirm whether or not she\u2019s found the man she wants to serve, respect, love, honor, submit to, encourage, and support for the rest of her life (Eph. 5:22\u201324; 1 Pet. 3:1\u20136; Col. 3:18).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    More questions should bring either confirmation or concerns. If it\u2019s the latter, a couple can separate in faith, knowing God has spared them from a potentially difficult relationship and will continue to lead them in his perfect will.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Discussion & Reflection:<\/strong><\/em><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
      \n
    1. If you\u2019re single, was any of this section helpfully corrective to how you\u2019ve pursued a spouse? How has it reshaped your understanding of Christian marriage advice, and what might you do differently from here as you think about the purpose of marriage?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    2. If you\u2019re married, how might you encourage single people you know to pursue a spouse with humility, prayer, integrity, purity, intentionality, and faith\u2014helping them prepare for a Godly marriage marked by wisdom and trust in the Lord?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

      \u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Part 3: How do I find a spouse?<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

      It\u2019s been almost fifty years since Julie and I determined getting married would be God\u2019s will for us. One might ask how a marriage that started like ours could survive and even thrive through the challenges, sufferings, and unexpected obstacles every couple faces.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      God has used various means to contribute to our growth over the years, including our involvement in our local church and the example and counsel of friends. But by far the most important factor has been the Gospel. The Gospel tells us that God created us to live in loving friendship with him. But we rejected him and deserve to be judged for our pride, self-centeredness, and rebellion. So God sent Jesus, his Son, to receive the punishment we deserved and reconcile us to himself forever. Those who believe that good news are confident they will one day meet God not as a judge who sentences them to eternal punishment, but as a Father who welcomes them into eternal joy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      A Biblical marriage is unlike any other marriage because the husband and wife have both experienced God\u2019s grace through the Gospel. They don\u2019t approach their relationship in their own strength, but benefit from what Jesus accomplished for them and in them through his life, death, and resurrection. This is the heart of Christian marriage meaning and the foundation of a Godly marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      But what does that look like? And what are the effects of forgetting or failing to apply the Gospel in our marriage?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      To answer those questions, we\u2019re going to look at three specific ways the Gospel changes how we think about being a husband or a wife in marriage in the Bible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      The Gospel Changes Our Understanding of Our Identity<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

      When we get married, many things about us change. We\u2019re in a new relationship, a new family, a new home, and in many ways, we have a new identity. We\u2019re no longer single; we\u2019re half of a \u201ccouple.\u201d You\u2019re a husband. You\u2019re a wife. This reflects the marriage covenant meaning that defines what is marriage according to Scripture.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      But at its most foundational level, our identity remains the same. We are \u201cin Christ.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me (Gal. 2:20).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      In a similar way, Paul tells the Colossians:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory (Col. 3:2\u20134).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Christ is our life, whether we\u2019re single or married. Christ is our life if our spouse dies or if we go through a divorce, shaping even our understanding of the Biblical view of divorce. Without erasing our personality, temperament, history, or character traits, we have become a new person in Christ: \u201cTherefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come\u201d (2 Cor. 5:17).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      But sometimes we think our identity is something other than Christ \u2014 like our past. We think of ourselves primarily as the person we\u2019ve always been, a product of our family, experiences, personality, and culture. Certainly, our family background affects us. Suffering abuse while growing up, being raised by a single parent, or experiencing belittling as a child can shape the way we relate to our spouse in different ways, influencing spiritual intimacy and our lived experience of Christian marriage advice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      But our past is not our identity. We can be influenced by our past. Our past can explain why we\u2019re tempted. Our past can cause us to have an affinity for those who grew up like we did. Our past can explain a lot of things. But our past is not who we are. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6:9\u201311:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      The Gospel has the power to transform us in such a way that we are no longer ruled by the things we\u2019ve been through.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Our past is not our identity: Christ is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Another place we might look for our identity is our role as a wife or husband and wife. We view our role in the marriage as unique or even superior. But as we saw earlier, while the distinctions in the roles of husbands and wives are real, they reflect God\u2019s gracious design and don\u2019t determine our value before God (Gal. 3:28). This is central to a Biblical marriage and the true Christian marriage meaning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      One effect of rooting our identity in the Gospel is that it frees us from the sin of comparison. Many \u201ccommunication\u201d problems are in essence \u201ccompetition\u201d problems. We\u2019re not looking for a solution; we\u2019re looking for a win. We\u2019re competing with <\/em>our spouse, rather than for<\/em> our spouse. But Peter reminds us that husbands and wives together are heirs of \u201cthe grace of life\u201d (1 Pet. 3:7), a truth that shapes healthy spiritual intimacy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      One couple wisely counseled us early in our marriage to \u201cfight the problem, not each other.\u201d The \u201cproblem\u201d might be sinful judgment, pride, anger, inaccurate information, a world trying to squeeze us into its mold, or the fear of man. We can wage that battle together as co-laborers, not competitors, because we are co-heirs with Christ. He gets the glory, we get the benefits. This mindset is essential for true conflict resolution marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Knowing that our identity is in Christ above anything else will enable us to approach life\u2019s problems, challenges, tests, and difficulties with peace, cooperation, and grace. But that doesn\u2019t mean we\u2019ll never sin against each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Which leads to a second effect the Gospel should have on our marriages:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      The Gospel Changes Our Understanding of Forgiveness<\/em><\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

      Forgiveness can seem like one of the highest hurdles in marriage. You expect things to go well, to get along, and for your spouse to agree with you. You anticipate that they\u2019ll never sin. But they do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      And sometimes it\u2019s hard to forgive them. Worse, our unforgiveness feels justified. We feel sinned against. We feel righteous. We feel they deserve to be punished. That we have a right to hold their sins against them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      That\u2019s because when someone sins, an imbalance is created. Justice isn\u2019t being served. Someone owes a debt, and until that debt is paid, things can\u2019t be right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      So, we pursue different strategies to make things right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Anger<\/em> \u2013 We lash out with our words or punish through our countenance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Isolation<\/em> \u2013 We drift away or pull back emotionally and\/or physically.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Self-pity<\/em> \u2013 We think, \u201cYou don\u2019t really care about me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Indifference<\/em> \u2013 We communicate, \u201cI don\u2019t really care about you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Arguing<\/em> \u2013 We push back through confrontation, forced logic, and strong words.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Score-keeping<\/em> \u2013 We think we\u2019ve earned the right to \u201cwin\u201d this one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      None of those are ways God intends us to resolve conflict. But somehow, we move on. Someone mumbles a quick apology. You laugh it off. Or pretend it never happened. But nothing has really changed, and the situation was never resolved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Only the Gospel can deal with unforgiveness in a thorough and lasting way. That\u2019s because God tells us to forgive others the way he has forgiven us, establishing forgiveness in marriage as a defining mark of a Godly marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u2026bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive (Col. 3:13).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      In speaking of this forgiveness, pastor\/theologian John Piper writes,<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      The doctrine of justification by grace through faith is at the very heart of what makes marriage work the way God designed it. Justification creates peace with God vertically, despite our sin. And when experienced horizontally, it creates shame-free peace between an imperfect man and an imperfect woman.1<\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n

      How can we experience the \u201cshame-free peace\u201d he talks about? We remember how the Lord has forgiven us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u2013 Completely:<\/em><\/strong> \u201cAnd you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses\u201d (Col. 2:13). God doesn\u2019t forgive some of our sins. Or a few. Or most. He doesn\u2019t forgive the minor, insignificant ones. He forgives all of them. So we can forgive all the sins of our spouse. This shapes true forgiveness in marriage within a Biblical marriage.
      \u2013 Finally:<\/em><\/strong> \u201cBut when Christ had offered for all time a single sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God\u201d (Heb. 10:12). God doesn\u2019t bring up the sins we\u2019ve repented of. He doesn\u2019t rub our faces in them. He doesn\u2019t keep them in his pocket to bring out as a weapon in the heat of an argument. We\u2019re finally forgiven, which protects the marriage for life God intends.
      \u2013 Wholeheartedly.<\/em><\/strong> God doesn\u2019t forgive us begrudgingly \u2014 wishing he didn\u2019t have to. He doesn\u2019t mutter, \u201cI forgive you\u201d in a half-hearted way. He doesn\u2019t pretend that nothing really happened. The writer of Hebrews tells us that Jesus, \u201cfor the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame\u201d (Heb. 12:2). He forgives with all his heart and soul, rejoicing in the restored relationship, just like a father receiving his prodigal son (Luke 15:20).
      \u2013 Undeservedly:<\/em><\/strong> God doesn\u2019t make us prove we\u2019re worthy of forgiveness, ask us to jump through hoops, or wait until we\u2019ve shown we\u2019re really sorry. His forgiveness has nothing to do with us and everything to do with him. \u201cHe saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy\u201d (Titus 3:5).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      It\u2019s God\u2019s mercy, not our worthiness, that causes God to forgive us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      It\u2019s important at this point to say that we\u2019re speaking of forgiveness from the heart, not situations that involve abuse, injustice, or unrepentant ongoing sin that would necessitate consequences. And forgiveness is not the same thing as restored trust or a complete reconciliation. That might require more conversations and actions. This distinction is vital when considering the Biblical view of divorce and what does the Bible say about divorce.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      But in most situations when we\u2019ve been sinned against, God calls us to consider how great our sins against him have been and how he has forgiven us so we might be ready to forgive from the heart. Because in the light of that reality, everything changes. We realize we need forgiveness more than our spouse does. Our sins before God are greater than theirs. And Jesus has paid for the sins of both of us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      None of this means we can demand that our spouse forgive us. Often, it\u2019s hard for your spouse to forgive you because you haven\u2019t done a very good job confessing your sin.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      A confession that leads to forgiveness and reconciliation isn\u2019t an accident. After every clear offense, I should aim to do at least four things:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        \n
      1. Name my sins.<\/strong> Call them by Biblical names. \u201cI was proud, harsh, unkind, selfish<\/em>.\u201d Not, \u201cI was a little off, oversensitive, or made a mistake.\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n
      2. Own my sins<\/strong>. Don\u2019t excuse them, justify them, or blame someone else for them.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
      3. Express sorrow for my sins. <\/strong>Grieving what you did is a sign of the Spirit\u2019s conviction.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
      4. Ask forgiveness for my sins. <\/strong>\u201cI apologize\u201d isn\u2019t nearly as meaningful as a simple, \u201cWould you forgive me?\u201d when you want to set things right.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

        That process can take 15 seconds or two hours, depending on the nature of the offense(s) and what we\u2019re able to see in the moment. It might involve more than one conversation. At different times, you will be the spouse needing to forgive or ask for forgiveness. But for all of us, the Gospel speaks words of hope, comfort, humbling, and assurance, that we can forgive as we have been forgiven. This is at the heart of Christian marriage advice and the purpose of marriage as revealed in Scripture.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        The Gospel Changes Our Understanding of Transformation<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

        Sometimes patterns, sinful or otherwise, exist in a marriage that don\u2019t seem to change. It could be as simple as always being late, not picking up clothes, being defensive, or driving badly. It could be more serious, like pornography, worldliness, or bitterness. Apart from the Gospel, change seems impossible. The best we can do is staple fruit to branches while our roots shrivel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        But God really has transformed us, and it\u2019s the Gospel that enables that change to become reality in three ways.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        1. The Gospel gives us the proper motivation. <\/em>We aim now to please God. We don\u2019t seek endless self-improvement so we can be proud of what a great husband and wife we are. That leads either to exhaustion or arrogance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        We don\u2019t pursue change just to keep our spouse happy either. That\u2019s a worthy goal, but it\u2019s not ultimate. We can feel trapped, never measuring up to our spouse\u2019s expectations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        Because Jesus died, we no longer live for ourselves, \u201cbut for him who for [our] sake died and was raised\u201d (2 Cor. 5:15). In other words, we\u2019ve been freed to please God. As Peter tells us, Jesus \u201cbore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness\u201d (1 Pet. 2:24). This motivation lies at the heart of the Christian marriage meaning and is reinforced throughout Bible verses about love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        2. The Gospel provides sufficient grace to change.<\/em> That grace comes from knowing that our sins and failures have been forgiven. Note how, after Peter encourages us to grow in Godly virtues, he explains what we need to remember in order to grow:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with Godliness, and Godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love… For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins (2 Pet. 1:5\u20137, 9).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        Our growth in Godly virtues depends on remembering the forgiveness we\u2019ve received through the Gospel. We\u2019re not on a never-ending treadmill of failing and asking forgiveness for the same sins, without hope of ever changing. We can change because we have been crucified with Christ, and we no longer live, but Christ lives in us. We have new direction, hopes, desires, and a new destiny. We really have been set free from the power and rule of sin. This lived reality is central to Biblical marriage and echoed in Ephesians 5 marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        3. The Gospel provides strength to endure. <\/em>We can persevere because we know God is committed to conforming us to the image of his Son (Rom. 8:29\u201330). God will be faithful to what he has determined to do. He won\u2019t leave us hanging.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        Ultimately, this is God\u2019s battle to win, not ours. He is defending the work of his Son, proving that his once and for all sacrifice on the cross was sufficient to ransom a \u201cpeople for God from every tribe and language and people and nation, and make them a kingdom and priests to God, so that they would one day reign on the earth\u201d (Rev. 5:9\u201310).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        God is infinitely more devoted to the strength of our marriages than we are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        So let\u2019s not take for granted the greatest hope and power God has given us. Let\u2019s not fail to run to the means he\u2019s given us in the Gospel for our identity, our forgiveness, and our transformation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        \u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        Discussion & Reflection:<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
          \n
        1. How did this section challenge your own understanding of the Gospel and the way it ought to affect your life?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
        2. In what ways does the Gospel need to transform your marriage, or other relationships in your life?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

          \u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Part 4: The Difference the Gospel Makes<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

          We\u2019ve looked at God\u2019s purpose of marriage, what he intends to accomplish through it, how to go from friendship to engagement with faith and peace, and the foundational role the Gospel plays in our Biblical marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          In this final section, we\u2019re going to talk about marriage for life\u2014marriage for the long haul. One of the benefits of being married for multiple decades is being able to look back and recognize how God was always working in specific ways in each season to display the glory of Christ\u2019s relationship with the church, which lies at the heart of marriage in the Bible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          I\u2019ve divided those seasons into the early years (1\u20137), the middle years (8\u201325), and the later years (26+). The divisions are somewhat arbitrary, with some overlap. The commands and promises of Scripture don\u2019t change, regardless of what season we\u2019re in. We always need to be submitted to God\u2019s Word, rooted in the Gospel, and empowered by God\u2019s Spirit in the context of the local church. And priorities in different seasons won\u2019t be absent in other seasons.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          But as Julie and I have looked back over time, we\u2019ve seen how aspects of our marriage in the early years contributed to growth in our later years. There has been a cumulative effect in our life together as husband and wife.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          So we\u2019ll look at two priorities to focus on in each season that will help strengthen our marriages for the long haul and deepen our understanding of Christian marriage meaning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          The Early Years (1\u20137): Trust & Humility<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

          The first priority in the early years is building trust. New spouses are often filled with fear and uncertainty. How will things work out? Do I really know my spouse as well as I think I do? Did I make the right decision? What\u2019s to say our marriage will last? Maybe you\u2019ve asked yourself one or more of those questions. Where we go for answers reveals what we trust in, and that trust is essential for a Godly marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          The most important trust to develop is trust in God. The psalmist exhorts us, \u201cTrust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us\u201d (Ps. 62:8). In our early years Julie and I had to trust that God had put us together, that he was sovereign, that divorce wasn\u2019t an option, and that in his book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for us, when as yet there was none of them (Ps. 139:16).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          That kind of trust is cultivated and nurtured through spending time in God\u2019s Word and through prayers for marriage, meditating on promises like these:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted (Job 42:2).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ (Phil. 1:6).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord (Rom. 8:38\u201339).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          But another kind of trust to develop is horizontal: learning to trust each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Trust is something built over time in a marriage. We\u2019re getting to know one another. We\u2019re learning about our sin patterns, how we respond in crises, and our root convictions. We\u2019re finding out how well we know ourselves. This slow, relational work strengthens spiritual intimacy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          In the early years, couples are either building trust or tearing it down. A husband is giving his wife confidence to believe him or persuading her that it\u2019s a foolish thing to do. I remember wanting to impress Julie by appearing to have it all together rather than acknowledging my limitations. I would tell her at times, \u201cJust trust me on this.\u201d Not surprisingly, that didn\u2019t build her faith.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Here\u2019s the problem: Guys can think we\u2019re automatically worthy of respect and submission just because we\u2019re husbands. But that respect, that submission, that trust\u2014can never be demanded. That doesn\u2019t take anything away from God\u2019s command to a wife to respect her husband, but a husband has to work at being trustworthy. This reflects the Biblical vision of Ephesians 5 marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Chad and Emily Dixhoorn point that out when they write, \u201cWe are told one another\u2019s duties for the purpose of making their work a joy to them\u2014just as Scripture puts it, in another context, for ministers and church members (Heb. 13:17).\u201d\u00b2<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          So, rather than telling your wife, \u201cJust trust me,\u201d a husband\u2019s priority is to work at becoming a man of his word, a man of integrity\u2014a man, in other words, who can be trusted within a Biblical marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Building trust requires focusing on a second area in your early years: humility.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Marriage brings you into constant contact with someone who thinks differently from you in numerous areas, which often leads to conflicts, confusion, bitterness, sinful judgment, and more. What we need in those moments is God\u2019s grace. And God tells us how to get it: \u201cClothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for \u2018God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble\u2019\u201d (1 Pet. 5:5).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Humility is the foundation for everything else God wants to do in us through our marriage. But what does humility actually look like? At least three things:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Self-disclosure. <\/em>Humility involves recognizing your spouse doesn\u2019t have the spiritual gift of mind-reading. It shows itself in volunteering information about how you feel, what you\u2019re thinking, where you\u2019re struggling, what you\u2019re anticipating, what you\u2019re planning, and where you\u2019re feeling weak or confused. \u201cWhoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment\u201d (Prov. 18:1).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Seeking input. <\/em>\u201cThe beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom, and whatever you get, get insight\u201d (Prov. 4:7). It\u2019s wise to talk with your spouse about significant things like whether or not to take a job, when to buy a house, when to have kids, or whether to pursue education. But it\u2019s no less wise to seek input in smaller decisions, like the best way to get somewhere, how to clean a room, the right way to paint, and how and where to store things. These everyday choices are often where humility\u2014and love\u2014are most clearly displayed in a Christian marriage advice lived out day by day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Receiving input.<\/em> Sometimes our spouse gives us feedback we didn\u2019t ask for. But no matter how that counsel is offered, we\u2019re wise to receive it. \u201cA fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion\u201d (Prov. 18:2). Humility means considering the perspective of our spouse and being open to the possibility that your perspective could be wrong, even when you\u2019re 99.9% sure it\u2019s not. That\u2019s what humility looks like in a Christian marriage advice context.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          The Middle Years (8\u201325): Pursuit & Perseverance<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

          In Gary and Betsy Ricucci\u2019s excellent book, Betsy writes: \u201cWe all know that the familiarity and daily routine of marriage can gradually transform passionate devotion into something more like comfortable toleration.\u201d\u00b3<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          The middle years hold great potential for comfortable toleration or uncomfortable bitterness. These are the years of growing obligations, increasing commitments, full schedules, job responsibilities, career advancement, and less free time. If you have children, those effects are multiplied. At times, it\u2019s all we can do to get through the day as husband and wife.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          But our hearts are being shaped during these years, either toward the Lord and his purposes, or toward ourselves and our purposes. We\u2019re becoming the married couple we\u2019re going to be through repeated patterns, habits, and practices that define marriage for life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Couples who divorce after decades of marriage have separated in heart long before they separated in body. That\u2019s why Proverbs 4:23 instructs us: \u201cKeep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.\u201d Another way of saying that is, \u201cLove the right things.\u201d So, the two words to describe our priority during these years are pursuit and perseverance within Biblical marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Let\u2019s consider pursuit first. While there are aspects of our lives we are always to pursue\u2014our relationship with Christ, our church, and our family\u2014I want to highlight three categories for husbands to pursue, drawn from Ephesians 5\u2019s marriage teaching and 1 Peter 3.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Pursue laying down your life<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

          After our relationship with the Lord, our greatest pursuit during these years should be learning how to give up our preferences, comfort, and self-focus for our wives. We\u2019re still called to lead, protect, guide, and initiate with our wives. But we do those things out of a heart to lay down our lives, not insist on our own way. This is at the heart of Biblical marriage and reflects the purpose of marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          We want to practice thinking of our wife\u2019s cares, thoughts, feelings, hardships, struggles, and trials first\u2014when we get home from work, on our day off, when something inconvenient happens. Rather than assuming, \u201cShe can take care of that,\u201d we want to act first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          We might fail consistently in this area. But by God\u2019s grace, we can continue to move toward laying down our lives for her and living out a Godly marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Pursue growing in understanding<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

          Peter tells us that husbands are to \u201clive with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life\u201d (1 Pet. 3:7). Why? Because so often conflicts spring from a husband exerting all his energy to get his wife to understand his<\/em> perspective instead of pursuing spiritual intimacy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Living with your wife in an understanding way involves asking questions like:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          What has her day been like?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          What is she challenged by in my schedule?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          What does she dream about?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          What is she struggling with spiritually? Relationally?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          What is her capacity? What brings her rest?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          What brings joy to her life? What makes her sad?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          At one point in our marriage, the only time I heard Julie was when she broke down in tears. That hardly qualified as living with her in an understanding way. Ask your wife sometime in the next week, in an unhurried moment, \u201cWhat\u2019s one aspect of your life that you think I don\u2019t understand very well?\u201d Then ask her questions about her response. Dig deeper. Pursue a growing understanding that strengthens marriage in the Bible as it is meant to be lived.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Pursue growing affection<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

          Don\u2019t believe that the fires of passion have to die down, or that the thrill of being married fades as the years go by! Christ\u2019s love for the church never wavers, diminishes, loses its zeal, changes, or dies out\u2014and marriage exists to reflect that reality according to what is marriage in God\u2019s design.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Ephesians 5:29 says he \u201cnourishes and cherishes\u201d his bride. His love is ever fervent and passionate. And so should our love be for our wives in a Biblical marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Our culture tells us that love is something we fall in and out of, largely dependent on how we feel and tied to whether the other person is lovable. God tells us, \u201cBy this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers\u201d (1 John 3:16). These are timeless Bible verses about love that shape faithful marriages.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          For some reason, Julie had a hard time believing I really loved her after we got married. It was 20 years before God did substantial work in her heart, enabling her to believe I did. And ever since then, I\u2019ve been seeking to grow. Here are some of the ways I\u2019ve pursued growing affection:Don\u2019t believe that the fires of passion have to die down, or that the thrill of being married fades as the years go by! Christ\u2019s love for the church never wavers, diminishes, loses its zeal, changes, or dies out\u2014and marriage exists to reflect that reality according to what is marriage in God\u2019s design.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Ephesians 5:29 says he \u201cnourishes and cherishes\u201d his bride. His love is ever fervent and passionate. And so should our love be for our wives in a Biblical marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Our culture tells us that love is something we fall in and out of, largely dependent on how we feel and tied to whether the other person is lovable. God tells us, \u201cBy this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers\u201d (1 John 3:16). These are timeless Bible verses about love that shape faithful marriages.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          For some reason, Julie had a hard time believing I really loved her after we got married. It was 20 years before God did substantial work in her heart, enabling her to believe I did. And ever since then, I\u2019ve been seeking to grow. Here are some of the ways I\u2019ve pursued growing affection:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u2013 Date nights. They\u2019re never easy, but a regular rhythm makes it easier. Dates don\u2019t have to be expensive or even outside the home. But going out can give you a fresh perspective as husband and wife pursuing a Godly marriage.
          \u2013 Touching. Ever notice how newly married couples are always touching? They\u2019re aware of the thrill, the gift, the presence. We never have to lose that thrill of holding the hand of the one God created us to be with. This kind of closeness strengthens spiritual intimacy in Biblical marriage.
          \u2013 Kissing. Kissing is an intimate act that expresses and stimulates romantic desire. Don\u2019t waste your kisses. We\u2019ve made it a practice to kiss when we leave each other\u2019s presence or greet each other. Public displays of affection are a good thing and echo many Bible verses about love.
          \u2013 Pictures. I keep pictures of my wife on my phone, computer, iPad, and watch. They help me cultivate an eye for my wife\u2019s beauty and remember the purpose of marriage God has given us. \u2013 Conversations. There are more than a few times when texting just doesn\u2019t cut it. Calls or, even better, FaceTime, bring us closer when we\u2019re apart and deepen spiritual intimacy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          You may excel in other ways of showing affection, like writing notes, giving gifts, buying flowers, or using pet names for each other. Do whatever it takes to communicate to your wife that she is unique and treasured in a Biblical marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          A second priority for the middle years is perseverance. During these days of full schedules, demanding careers, a growing family, and growing commitments, it can sometimes seem like you\u2019re not accomplishing anything significant. Life can devolve into mundane routines, and everything starts to feel like an endless to-do list. This is especially true for a wife who is also a mom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          You long for something more adventurous, more amazing, more out-of-the-box, more exhilarating, more productive\u2014more something. You wonder, is this all there is?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          But here\u2019s what you\u2019re doing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          As husband and wife, you are living out what God created you for. You\u2019re modeling a relationship of cosmic significance, the relationship between Christ and his bride, displaying a love based on covenant\u2014not simply feelings\u2014that says, \u201cI will be faithful to you until I die.\u201d This is the heart of marriage for life and the Christian marriage meaning revealed in Scripture.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Wives are displaying what joyful, faith-filled submission and respect look like in a world that thinks you can only truly be happy if no one is telling you what to do. Husbands are showing our culture what kind, strong, clear, Godly, loving, sacrificial leadership looks like\u2014exactly what Ephesians 5 marriage teaches.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          As parents, you\u2019re showing your children they are valued, loved, cared for, and protected. You\u2019re teaching them that there is a God, that he made them, and that they were made for his glory. You\u2019re standing strong against the tidal wave of gender confusion in our culture, raising girls and boys who delight in God\u2019s plan. You\u2019re building a Gospel culture that will potentially shape generations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          You are part of the church, valuing the gathering every week, being built up into the body of Christ as a testimony of what God is doing in the earth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          So we persevere, remembering God\u2019s encouragement: \u201cTherefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised\u201d (Heb. 10:35\u201336).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          These are the years to walk faithfully in the calling God has given you, knowing that you are serving the Lord, not man. Because we look forward to hearing the Lord himself say to us, \u201cWell done, good and faithful servant\u201d (Matt. 25:21).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          And that won\u2019t be because of our faithfulness, but because of his: \u201cLet us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful\u201d (Heb. 10:23).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          The Later Years (26+): Gratefulness & Servanthood<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

          One of the great temptations in our later years can be to look back with regret or condemnation. We can battle disappointment or even despair \u2014 to ask what-if\u2019s or why-not\u2019s, or be preoccupied with what we did or didn\u2019t do, and the poor choices we\u2019ll never get to do over.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          That\u2019s why the later years are a time to prioritize gratefulness. God has brought you to this place, and he has faithfully guided every step, keeping you from evil at times, and redeeming every sin and failure at others. The important thing as we look back is to focus not on our actions, but God\u2019s:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          The righteous flourish like the palm tree and grow like a cedar in Lebanon. They are planted in the house of the Lord; they flourish in the courts of our God. They still bear fruit in old age; they are ever full of sap and green, to declare that the Lord is upright; he is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in him (Ps. 92:12\u201315).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          These are the years to declare that \u201cthe Lord is upright and that there is no unrighteousness in him.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          The later years aren\u2019t the time to start being grateful. But it is the time to excel in it. Because those who have eyes to see know that their lives have been filled with the kindness and mercy of God, and can say with the psalmist: \u201cThe Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance\u201d (Ps. 16:5\u20136).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Part 5: Marriage for the Long Haul<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

          Julie and I will often remind each other that our blessings far exceed our trials. We look back and see His sovereignty not only in bringing us together as husband and wife, but sustaining us through ovarian surgery early on in our Biblical marriage, two miscarriages, robberies, stolen cars, a daughter whose husband deserted her with five children, a grandson who battled leukemia twice before he was 13, and two recent bouts with breast cancer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Through it all, God has never failed to be faithful and redeem for good what the enemy meant for evil. And even if we hadn\u2019t seen the Lord\u2019s faithfulness in carrying us through these trials, we could look back and see that God, without our knowledge or asking, sent his only Son to live the perfect life we could never live, receive the just punishment we deserved, and be raised to new life to give us forgiveness, adoption into God\u2019s family, and the confident hope of eternal joy. This hope anchors a Godly marriage far more deeply than circumstances ever could.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          So we\u2019re grateful. Grateful for God\u2019s steadfast, unchanging, never-ending love\u2014the kind of love described throughout the Bible verses about love that shape the heart of marriage in the Bible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          The second priority for the later years is servanthood. Paul reminds us in 2 Corinthians 4:16 that our outer self is wasting away, and that\u2019s all too evident. But the older years are not the time to kick back, live for ourselves, and not serve anyone. Opportunities abound, especially for couples committed to marriage for life. And here\u2019s why it makes so much sense as we get older to expect God to use us more to serve others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          We have more time to serve. <\/em>For most of us during these years, our kids aren\u2019t around, we have fewer job responsibilities, and more discretionary time\u2014time that can be invested in encouraging younger couples seeking Christian marriage advice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          We have more wisdom to draw from.<\/em> If we shared only from our mistakes, we\u2019d have plenty to give to younger couples! But we\u2019ve also learned from things that have turned out well. Older couples are a wealth of wisdom for those who often have only their peers to turn to for counsel on Biblical marriage and forgiveness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          We have more resources.<\/em> Gone are the obligations of school, jobs, and raising a family. When I\u2019m asked about retirement, I don\u2019t know what to say. Certainly, as the outer man wastes away, it will limit the amount and degree to which we can lay our lives down for others. But I can\u2019t help but think of Jesus\u2019 words: \u201cFor who is the greater, one who reclines at table or one who serves? Is it not the one who reclines at table? But I am among you as the one who serves\u201d (Luke 22:27).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Don\u2019t we want to be like Jesus? Don\u2019t we want to be the one who serves\u2014reflecting the true purpose of marriage as a lifelong testimony of grace?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Discussion & Reflection:<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
            \n
          1. Do the stages of marriage described here ring true in your own marriage? How might you grow in the priorities of the stage you\u2019re in, whether newly married or pursuing marriage for life?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
          2. Ask a mentor if there are things he or she has learned in these stages of marriage and discuss how they reflect the Christian marriage meaning taught in Scripture.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

            \u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n

            Conclusion<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

            I pray this field guide has helped you see that marriage, as God planned it, is worth treasuring. It\u2019s worth fighting for. It\u2019s worth treating as sacred. And it\u2019s something we can pursue with great faith, because as John Newton wrote:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

            Through many dangers, toils, and snares we have already come \u2018Tis grace that brought us safe thus far, and grace will lead us home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

            Wherever you may be in this wonderful, mysterious, challenging, adventurous, amazing journey of marriage, God\u2019s grace will bring you home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

            Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen (Heb. 13:20\u201321).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

            Endnotes<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
              \n
            1. John Piper, This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence <\/em>(Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2012), 34.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
            2. Chad and Emily Van Dixhoorn, Gospel-Shaped Marriage: Grace for Sinners to Love Like Saints<\/em> (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2022), 43.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
            3. Gary and Betsy Ricucci, Love That Lasts: When Marriage Meets Grace <\/em>(Wheaton, IL:
              Crossway, 2006), 49.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

              About the Author<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

              BOB KAUFLIN<\/strong> is a pastor, composer, speaker, writer, and the director of Sovereign Grace Music, a ministry of Sovereign Grace Churches. He serves as an elder at Sovereign Grace Church of Louisville and has written two books: Worship Matters and True Worshipers. God has blessed him and his precious wife, Julie, with six children and over 20 grandchildren.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

              <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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