{"id":3160,"date":"2025-04-29T09:03:17","date_gmt":"2025-04-29T09:03:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thementoringproject.com\/?post_type=field_guides&p=3160"},"modified":"2026-04-16T15:10:16","modified_gmt":"2026-04-16T15:10:16","slug":"relationships","status":"publish","type":"field_guides","link":"https:\/\/thementoringproject.com\/fa\/field-guide\/relationships\/","title":{"rendered":"#3 Relationships: How to Have a Relationship With God and Others"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
Part 1: Three Categories of Relationships<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
When you think of relationships, my guess is that you immediately think of horizontal<\/em> relationships with other people. That is where so much of our blessings and brokenness get played out. But horizontal relationships are actually a third category of relationships shaped by two preceding categories. We can call these vertical<\/em> and internal.<\/em> Our relationship with others is influenced by, first, our relationship with God (vertical), and second, our relationship to ourselves (internal). These two relationships are the real beginning. Oftentimes the woes we contribute to our horizontal relationships stem from distortions in how we relate to God and ourselves. So before we get into the details of our horizontal relationships, we need to start there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Vertical \u2014 Our Relationship to God<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
The fundamental fact in our relationship to God is that we are made by him<\/em> and for him<\/em>. In truth, this is also the case for everything in existence. Everything exists because of God and, ultimately, for his purposes. In this light, all of creation may be considered relational, connected to God the creator, who is himself relational in his existence as Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. And if all creation is relational, that is certainly true for every human, which means that every human has a relationship with God. It\u2019s what it means to be human. We are God\u2019s creatures. This is foundational to who we are, and it\u2019s our most important relationship \u2014 the basis of how to have a relationship with God in the first place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But immediately we are confronted with the inescapable reality that every human\u2019s relationship with God has been broken because of our sin. Plagued by the fall of our original parents, and following in their rebellion with our own particular sins, we have despised our creatureliness and wanted to be our own deity. The real question now about our relationship to God is whether it remains broken or has been restored. Does our sin against God still separate us from him, or have we been reconciled to him?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The brokenness continues, of course, if we ignore it. This is certainly the standard operating procedure for many. It seems that the easiest way to manage our broken relationship with God is by pretending God doesn\u2019t exist. The Bible tells us that atheism is foolishness (see Ps. 14:1), but we might also add that atheism is a coping mechanism. \u201cExclusive humanism,\u201d as it\u2019s been called, is humanity\u2019s move to make transcendence something we create, refusing to acknowledge any reality outside ourselves. This refusal to acknowledge God requires even scrubbing away every idea of God, or at least the ideas that might infringe upon our autonomous sovereignty. This is atheism at the functional level. It\u2019s an attempt to put the pain of our vertical relational brokenness out of sight and thus out of mind, hidden beneath the floor of our everyday lives. But like with the beating heart of Edgar Allen Poe\u2019s dark story, the sound of our crime gets louder and louder, as our attempts to drown it out become more intense and normalized. This kind of willed ignorance is one way the brokenness remains.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Another way the brokenness in our relationship with God remains is when we take it upon ourselves to be the solution. This is when we recognize the brokenness but think it\u2019s up to us to solve the problem. We assume that the only way the chasm between God and us will be bridged is if we, the sinful offenders, move toward him, hoping to impress him by our religiosity and good works. We figure that maybe that will earn his favor and put things right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
John Bunyan, the seventeenth-century writer and pastor, learned how futile this is. When he first came under the conviction of his sin, biographer Faith Cook recounts that he fell under \u201cthe spell of high church ritual.\u201d1<\/sup> In his autobiography, he says he was overcome with a spirit of superstition, busied by all the things he must do to improve himself. And he had a decent run for a while, he admits, even scrupulously keeping the Ten Commandments and winning the respect of his neighbors, until he realized it didn\u2019t stick \u2014 kind of like the duct tape I keep reapplying on one part of my dishwasher. Bunyan, for all his efforts and pride in his \u201cgodliness,\u201d could not appease his own conscience. He felt there was never enough he could do for God, and within a matter of time Bunyan found himself in more despair than ever. There is a kind of despair that every sinner feels because of their broken relationship with God, but there is another kind of despair for sinners on the other side of recognizing that brokenness and<\/em> trying to fix it themselves. The original brokenness is exacerbated by our failure to solve it, and so the brokenness remains, even deepens, for the poor legalist as much as for the poor atheist. That was Bunyan\u2019s story. Mine too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So how is our relationship to God restored?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
God takes it upon himself to close the chasm between us \u2014 and this divine initiative ultimately overflows horizontally in loving your neighbor and pursuing godly relationships formed by grace rather than self-effort.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Imagine God as being way up high, above the heavens, and we\u2019re way down here, on the earth. There\u2019s a distance between us, a physical and moral chasm that represents everything that is wrong with us and the world. That distance is not only the consequence of our own mess, but it\u2019s the standing reminder that such a gap is necessary. We don\u2019t deserve him. Humans can try their hardest to bridge that gap, to become worthy, but it never works. We call this attempt \u201creligiosity.\u201d We work ourselves to death trying to climb a metaphorical ladder back to God, but we cannot get there. So God himself came here. We can\u2019t better ourselves enough to get to God, so God humbled himself enough to come to us. This is what makes the good news of Jesus Christ so good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
God the Father sent his Son into this world to become human like us, to be truly human for us, and to die in our place, the righteous for the unrighteous. He did it to bring us back to God (see 1 Pet. 3:18). Jesus came to save us from our sins, embodying the grace of God to us, taking upon himself the very cause of the chasm. He went straight for the root of our broken relationship with God, meeting our greatest need, at great personal cost, due only to his great love. Through the gospel of Jesus Christ, our relationship with God is restored. God becomes our Father, we his sons and daughters, living in his fellowship now and forever.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Bible is clear that the death of Jesus for sinners is how God demonstrates his love for sinners (see Rom. 5:8). Jesus didn\u2019t die in our place so that<\/em> God would love us; he died in our place because<\/em> God loves us. And God has loved us ever since he chose to set his love on us before the foundation of the world (see Eph. 1:4). This is the most<\/em> important truth<\/em> to remember in our relationship with God. He loves us relentlessly, and of course we don\u2019t deserve it. We never can, so we must not try. And I mean we must not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Just recently I was meeting with a fellow pilgrim who talked with me in the way that pilgrims talk with pastors. He told me of his struggles and correlating doubts in the love of God, and he casually commented that he doesn\u2019t want to try to earn God\u2019s love. I interrupted him, not because I meant to be rude (though good news is worth a little perceived rudeness from time to time), but because he needed to know this wasn\u2019t an option. I told him he must not<\/em> try to earn God\u2019s love, which is exactly what I wish someone had told me years ago. The love of God is simply a wonder we receive, humbly and gladly. That is what made the difference for Bunyan.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sitting under the regular preaching of God\u2019s Word one day, hearing an average message delivered by an average pastor, Bunyan\u2019s heart was flooded with the reality of God\u2019s love. He came to know that God loved him despite his sin, and that nothing could separate him from this love (see Rom. 8:35\u201339). In Bunyan\u2019s own recounting, he says that he was so overcome with joy that he wanted to tell of God\u2019s love even to a flock of crows gathered in a field. Bunyan had found treasure, and that same treasure is there for us, barely hidden at all if we\u2019d only open our eyes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Because of God\u2019s love for us, Jesus died and rose to restore our relationship with God. Knowing God\u2019s love for us definitively, displayed in the gospel, is the key to the importance of relationships. We start here, with this vertical relationship, and we never get beyond its transformative importance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Internal \u2014 Our Relationship to Ourselves<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s not hard to see how our relationship with God (vertical) might impact how we relate to others (horizontal). When he was questioned about the greatest commandment, Jesus answered,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets\u201d (Matt. 22:37\u201340).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The vertical and horizontal must be held together, as Jesus makes clear, but there\u2019s another category that we need to acknowledge: our relationship to ourselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Another way to refer to this \u201crelationship\u201d is to call it our self-understanding. It is how we interpret our stories and come to terms with who we are. This is so natural to discipleship that I think the New Testament simply assumes it. Consider some of the autobiography in Paul\u2019s letters:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2013 \u201cI persecuted the church of God violently and tried to destroy it\u201d (Gal. 1:13). \u2013 \u201cI [was] a Hebrew of Hebrews; as to the law, a Pharisee\u201d (Phil. 3:5). \u2013 \u201cI worked harder than any of them \u2026\u201d (1 Cor. 15:10). \u2013 \u201cChrist Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am foremost\u201d (1 Tim. 1:15). \u2013 \u201cGod has mercy on [Epaphroditus], and not only on him but on me also, lest I should have sorrow upon sorrow\u201d (Phil. 2:27). \u2013 \u201cThree times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me\u201d (2 Cor. 12:8). \u2013 \u201cI have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live \u2026\u201d (Gal. 2:20).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As we grow in this self-understanding, we also grow in relationship maturity, which shapes how we relate both to God and to others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Paul was a man who possessed self-clarity, which is the phrase used by Richard Plass and James Cofield in their book, The Relational Soul<\/em>.2 <\/sup>We are all wired in certain ways, shaped by countless factors that have been part of our lives (past events, emotions, and interpretations). Plass and Cofield say that our synthesis of these factors is what forms our self-understanding, or \u201cself-clarity,\u201d and that<\/em> is the deepest influence in how we relate in general, whether to God or others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ten people might each react differently to the same incident, and it helps us to know why we react the way we do. In fact, Plass and Cofield, with their combined experience in helping Christians rebuild the wreckage of their ruinous choices, make the stunning observation that, \u201cin all our years of ministry we have never known a single person whose relationships suffered because of lack of doctrinal facts.\u201d3<\/sup> In other words, one\u2019s vertical relationship, by all appearances, might check out. \u201cProfessed theology\u201d looks good on paper.4<\/sup> \u201cBut,\u201d Plass and Cofield continue, there are many stories of collapsed ministries, estranged marriages, distant children, failed friendships and coworker conflict because people had little self-understanding. The blindness that emerges from a lack of knowing what is going on in our souls is truly devastating. Self-clarity is not a parlor game. It is not a self-help gig. Instead it is a journey into our hearts to see what motives are at work in our relationships.5<\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Meaningful relationships with others, and even with God, require that we take ownership of our stories. It was the Puritan John Owen who said \u201cBe killing sin or sin will be killing you.\u201d Plass and Cofield might add, \u201cBe owning your story or your story, full of implicit interpretations and unconscious memories, will be owning you.\u201d6<\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n
And without doubt, we all have degrees of pain in our stories. Suffering is a sad and infuriating reality of our broken world. But no matter the suffering, no matter how intense, it will not have the final say.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The resurrection of Jesus makes this clear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As writer Fred Buechner has said, the resurrection of Jesus means the worst thing is never the last thing, and that\u2019s also true for who we are. God\u2019s good purposes will endure, and they\u2019re always bigger than any moment in which we find ourselves or conjure up by memory. I kick myself for not knowing a way to say this more deeply, but this next sentence is the best I can do, and I mean it as much as is humanly possible. While your suffering is real and has impacted you, it does not have to define you, because you have new life in Jesus\u2019 life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That is what Paul is getting at when he says that \u201cneither circumcision counts for anything, nor uncircumcision, but a new creation\u201d (Gal. 6:15), and \u201cif anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold the new has come\u201d (2 Cor. 5:17). In Christ you are new, and that is what matters in the end \u2014 and today too \u2014 even if scars remain. All of us in Christ are new, and we each have proclivities of countless kinds. Whoever we are, a mixture of personality and<\/em> environmental conditioning, shaped by the ways we\u2019ve sinned in the past or been sinned against, we are each individual persons and God loves us. Each of us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve told my church that when God saves us, he doesn\u2019t stamp us \u201cSAVED\u201d and throw us into a faceless herd, but he saves us, his particular grace overcoming our particular brokenness. We become part of God\u2019s people \u2014 we enter his family \u2014 but he still knows our names and our hearts, and of course he does, because if it were not so Jesus would not have told us that God knows how many hairs are on our heads (see Luke 12:7). In fact, as Pastor Dane Ortlund explains, the things we most dislike about ourselves are the very places where God\u2019s grace abounds even more.7<\/sup> The parts of our self-clarity that we\u2019re most likely to resent are the things that most attract Jesus.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve heard it said that we can only surrender all that we know of ourselves to all that we know of God. Deepened knowledge of ourselves, then, together with deepened knowledge of God, leads to deepened surrender. We learn more about who we are so that we can keep turning it over to the reality of God\u2019s love. We are loved by God. That\u2019s who we are in the ultimate assessment. Over all other things that make us ourselves, we should hear the words of God spoken to Jesus as his baptism, now applied to us by our union with him, \u201cThis is my beloved child, with whom I am well-pleased\u201d (Matt. 3:17).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Even me?,<\/em> you might think. Yes, even you.<\/em> You and me, I must say. This is where self-clarity takes us, though each through individual paths. This work is vital to having meaningful relationships with others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Horizontal \u2014 Our Relationship to Others<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
When our hearts are flooded with the reality of God\u2019s love, enough to make us want to preach to crows like it did for Bunyan, it can make everything else grow dim, in the most righteous of ways. It was the psalmist who said to God, \u201cWhom have I in heaven but you? There is nothing on earth I desire besides you\u201d (Ps. 73:25).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Nothing.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
That kind of talk is a taste of heaven on earth, and I want some of that \u2014 don\u2019t you? But to the level that we have it, would that mean we don\u2019t need relationships with others? Can we be so consumed with God\u2019s love that we\u2019d prefer a life of solitude, hidden away from all the distractions of this stupid world with its stupid people, just bunkered down in a hut somewhere by a pond until we depart to that which is \u201cfar better\u201d? Is this \u201cme-and-God\u201d way of living the good life?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Of course not. But, if I\u2019m honest, in my moments of acute relational need \u2014 when I would truly be helped by a horizontal relationship, such as my wife\u2019s affirmation or a friend\u2019s expressed care \u2014 I often chastise myself for not believing more in God\u2019s love for me. If I really knew God loved me, I wouldn\u2019t need anything else, I can tell myself.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
That seems right, but it\u2019s not reality \u2014 at least not here, not yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Countless people have embraced the \u201cSerenity Prayer\u201d by Reinhold Niebuhr, but few remember that line when he asks God to help him take, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This world as it is<\/em>, or humans as we are, being blatantly sinful or just painfully plain, we need others. People need people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In his book Side by Side<\/em>, counselor Ed Welch says that everyone needs help and everyone is a helper<\/em>.8<\/sup> We\u2019re all both help-needers and help-givers. The Apostle Paul implies the same when he commands the whole church, \u201cBear one another\u2019s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ\u201d (Gal. 6:2). The burden-bearers and the one-anothers are the same. They\u2019re us. We\u2019re receivers<\/em> and givers<\/em>, and it\u2019s just part of being human. It\u2019s why life is relationships \u2014 and why loving your neighbor is inseparable from loving God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But our horizontal relationships comprise a vast world that\u2019s hard to wrap our heads around. If horizontal relationships is a category, there are sub-categories beneath it that have their own sections in bookstores. Imagine how much ink has been spilled on books about marriage? The subject of parenting alone is vast enough to have its own sub-categories and niches, such as how to raise teen girl sisters in the age of smartphones when one is an over-achiever and the other over-clutters her locker. There\u2019s a book for that, somewhere.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So what might we understand about horizontal relationships in general that applies to horizontal relationships in particular?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Meanwhile, above and beneath all of it, the entire Christian life rests on the miracle of reconciliation with God, the restored peace that then shapes all relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That\u2019s the goal going forward. I want to offer a way to think broadly about horizontal relationships grounded in biblical relationships that shape how we relate to one another. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why does our vertical relationship with God affect all other relationships in our lives?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
Why is self-clarity important in your growth as a Christian?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
Are there any aspects of your internal relationship that need to be rediscovered or reinterpreted in light of God\u2019s love for you in Christ?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n
\u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Part 2: Relational Callings and Kinds<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Let\u2019s zoom out for a minute and think in terms of calling<\/em> and kind<\/em>. There is our calling in relationships, referring to what God expects of us, and then there is the kind<\/em> of relationship in which our calling plays out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When it comes to calling, this is the interplay and overlap of authority<\/em> and responsibility<\/em>. Authority refers to what we have the right to do, what we\u2019re authorized to do; responsibility is what we are obliged to do, what we must do. Sometimes in relationships it\u2019s one or the other, sometimes both, sometimes neither \u2014 and it comes from God. Our relational calling is ultimately what he expects of us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And these two callings \u2014 authority and responsibility \u2014 are central to how we engage relationships with others within a three-fold paradigm borrowed from the home. As it turns out, God made the home to be the foundational building block for human society, with its fathers (and mothers), brothers (and sisters), and sons (and daughters). Right away it\u2019s worth noting that these distinctions require a basic understanding of hierarchy. I realize that word makes people sweat and so much of our modern world has burned itself out trying to topple the very notion, but to fight against hierarchy<\/em> is to fight against the universe. You cannot win, because God is God and he made the world this way. There are different kinds of relationships, on purpose, and they\u2019re expressed in God\u2019s design for the home. All other forms of how we relate to others are derived from this. The Westminster Larger Catechism makes this point in its exposition of the fifth commandment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The fifth commandment in Exodus 20:12 states: \u201cHonor your father and mother that your days may be long in the land that Yahweh your God is giving you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Question 126 of the catechism asks, \u201cWhat is the general scope of the fifth commandment?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The answer:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The general scope of the fifth commandment is, the performance of those duties which we mutually owe in our several relations, as inferiors, superiors, or equals.9<\/sup> (emphasis added)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Another way to state these \u201cseveral relations\u201d \u2014 what we\u2019re calling kinds \u2014 is as parents, siblings, and children. We relate to others as In-Relation-Over, In-Relation-Beside, or In-Relation-Under.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<\/figure>\n\n\n\n
In summary, our relational callings<\/em> include authority or responsibility; our relationship kind<\/em> is either over, beside, or under. In every relationship, we engage a certain kind<\/em> of relationship from the God-ordained calling<\/em> of authority and\/or responsibility. Here\u2019s an example:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Applying Calling and Kind<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m the father of eight children, and in relation to my children, I am over them<\/em>. I engage that relationship with God-given authority<\/em>. The relational calling<\/em> is authority; the relational kind<\/em> is in-relation-over. Practically, it means I can tell my sons to clean their room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As my sons, they are called to the responsibility of obedience (see Eph. 6:1). They are to obey what I\u2019m authorized to tell them, and they practice that responsibility in relation under me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is an easy example so far, but it becomes more complex. I have the authority as a father to give my sons directives about cleanliness \u2014 I engage the kind, In-Relation-Over, with the calling of authority \u2014 but do I also have a responsibility in those directives?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yes, I do, insofar as room cleanliness is an aspect of raising my sons in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, which is what God tells me, as a Christian father, to do (see Eph. 6:4). Christian fathers always exercise their authority under God\u2019s authority, mediated through the local church. We are simultaneously In-Relation-Over (father-son) and In-Relation-Under (God-man). Fatherhood, in its calling, is an overlap of authority and responsibility. A father\u2019s authority, In-Relation-Over to his children, is an aspect of the father\u2019s responsibility to God, to whom he is In-Relation-Under.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So far, so good. Individuals with authority can also be under another authority. This is everywhere. It\u2019s true of every authority outside of God. But consider this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What if one of my four sons decides to be a boss and order around his brothers? Is that okay, since the brothers are In-Relation-Beside and lack authority over one another?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In general, no, it\u2019s not okay, because brothers do not have authority over one another unless granted to them by their authority, the parents. Authority between those who are In-Relation-Beside has to be deputized by the authority over them. One brother can\u2019t command the others to fetch the foul balls, for instance, but he may reference dad and say to the others, appropriately, \u201cDo not hide those socks under the bed.\u201d And he may appeal to the father when his brothers hide the socks anyway (the sock-hiders might call this \u201ctattling,\u201d but it\u2019s basically a recognition of authority).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In all of this, we\u2019re learning what Christian relationships look like: how we relate under God, beside others, and in ways that reflect the call to loving your neighbor in both simple and complex situations. This framework helps us understand how biblical relationships function in everyday life and how every horizontal interaction flows from our relationship with God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This happens so often in our everyday lives that we rarely recognize the relational dynamics in play. When I leave my boys to themselves in a room they\u2019ve trashed, in what could become a scene from The Lord of the Flies, it\u2019s fascinating how often I\u2019ve overheard one or two of them say, \u201cDad said \u2026\u201d Dad said to put the laundry in the basket, therefore, \u201cDo not hide those socks under the bed.\u201d They are In-Relation-Beside, but they evoke the fact that they share brotherhood as In-Relation-Under. They hold each other accountable to their authority, who has told them something about the room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Can we apply calling and kind to other relationships?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As a father, I command my sons to clean their rooms, but I don\u2019t command Steve, my next-door neighbor, to clean his. Steve and I are In-Relation-Beside, like brothers. I have no authority over him, and no responsibility to him apart from the biblical commands of Christian witness and decency. I can\u2019t tell him to do anything unless it pertains to something we have a mutual agreement about, what we call contracts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Contracts are the means by which people In-Relation-Beside, like siblings, attempt to live reliably and peaceably. Because they lack authority over one another, they mutually agree to submit themselves to a document they authorize to protect their interests. A signed document is what makes these contracts official, but our horizontal relational existence is often full of unwritten, amorphous contracts, mutually unspoken expectations. Or sometimes there are spoken promises, what we call giving our word. At this point, we\u2019re a step away from talking about the history of democracy and the idea of the \u201csocial contract theory.\u201d It\u2019s not a stretch to say that the United States finds its roots in a philosophy of human relationships \u2014 how a nation imagines relationship with others at a societal level.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The task before America\u2019s Founding Fathers, following their intellectual contemporaries in the eighteenth century, was how to set up a government of humans who are In-Relation-Beside, not merely subjects of a king. My favorite snapshot of this \u201ccontract\u201d is a cartoon rendering of two guys in Yankee-doodle hats shaking hands, with one saying, \u201cYou don\u2019t kill me, I won\u2019t kill you.\u201d The other nods, \u201cSounds good.\u201d Life is relationships, and come to find out, nations are too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So Steve and I, In-Relation-Beside, have an agreement about a lawn mower we share, but one that\u2019s simple enough to be unwritten. We\u2019ve given our word to another. But beyond him gassing up the mower and storing it in his shed, I can\u2019t tell him anything about cleaning his room or over-seeding his lawn in the fall. I can\u2019t tell the new neighbor across the street either, even if his lawn needs it worse. Do you know what it\u2019s called when we disapprove of certain things about other people we\u2019re not authorized to correct? It\u2019s called judging. This is also why being judgmental becomes exhausting. Too many lanes, man. When Paul instructs us to pray for the purpose that we may lead peaceful and quiet lives (see 1 Tim. 2:2), he\u2019s not envisioning an agrarian utopia, but he likely does consider it a positive thing to mind our own lawns.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But now what if the new neighbor across the street builds a meth lab in his basement or starts trafficking Komodo dragons to sell on the black market? Do I command him to stop then? No, actually, I don\u2019t. I call the police. And the police will take it from there and enforce the law. The law, to which we are In-Relation-Under, is something my neighbor willingly subjected himself to when he bought a home within a municipality that forbids illegal drugs and exotic pets. All my neighbors really are nice folks, but you get my point. Neighbors are In-Relation-Beside, like siblings, but we are In-Relation-Under when it comes to the law, mediated through what we rightly call \u201cthe authorities\u201d or \u201claw-enforcement.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ultimately, learning to navigate these dynamics is part of learning how to love God love others in real-life, everyday situations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Role of Decency<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Relational callings and kinds might help us get a handle on how to engage relationships, but there\u2019s more. It\u2019s one thing to consider neighbors to be In-Relation-Beside if they\u2019re around your same age, but what if they\u2019re old enough to be your grandparents? What if you\u2019re a man and your neighbor\u2019s a woman? What if you encounter them laying half dead alongside the Jericho Road? Even here, our relationship with yourself and the maturity that flows from it will influence how you discern what decency looks like.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Age, gender, and proximate manifest need does not determine the relational kind. Another neighbor a few doors down is old enough to be my grandfather, but his age doesn\u2019t make him an authority over me. It does, however, influence the relational demeanor, what we might also call decency \u2014 a major ingredient in healthy biblical relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Paul tells Timothy,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity. (1 Tim. 5:1\u20132 NIV)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Even if the relational kind is the same, we have a responsibility for how we treat one another. The verb \u201ctreat\u201d is added in our English translations, but the idea is decency toward one another: behave in a way that is fitting to the social realities.10<\/sup> So boy wrestlers should refuse to wrestle girls, even if the organizers of high school athletics are foolish enough to make wrestling a mixed sport. Our relational calling is the responsibility to show decency. This is also why it\u2019s customary in some parts of our country for relatively younger men to refer to relatively older women with titles like \u201cMiss.\u201d To this day, even though I\u2019ve spent nearly two decades outside the American South, it\u2019s difficult for me to refer to a woman only by her first name if she\u2019s old enough to be my mother. In fact, I call my own mother-in-law, who lives with my family, \u201cMiss Pam.\u201d Because I\u2019m not a sociopath.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Bible speaks directly to our relational decency in the relational kinds of over and under, as seen in the household codes of Paul\u2019s letters (e.g., Eph. 5:22\u20136:9). Marriage, parenting, work-relations \u2014 God\u2019s Word addresses them all. But the Bible also has much to say about how we behave among those to whom we are In-Relation-Beside. These principles help us live out our relationship with God in a way that actually transforms our conduct toward others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The New Testament includes at least 59 commands directed at how we treat one another \u2014 often called \u201cone another\u201d passages \u2014 and they serve as the blueprint for relational decency. These commands find their roots in the second table of the Ten Commandments, summarized in the command to love your neighbor as yourself (see Matt. 22:36\u201340; Gal. 5:14; Rom. 13:8\u201310). I\u2019m thinking of \u201cone another\u201d commands like \u201cBe kind to one another\u201d (Eph. 4:32); \u201cDo not lie to one another\u201d (Col. 3:9); \u201cShow hospitality to one another without grumbling\u201d (1 Pet. 4:9). This is relational decency.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And while these commands helpfully spell out how decency should look, most of our relational decency is unwritten, woven into the fabric of our social expectations. This is part of culture, and these expectations are easiest to recognize when they\u2019re defied. Even in America today, with all of its cultural rot, most people still consider it shameful if a younger neighbor mistreats the elderly, or if a neighbor ignores someone in proximate manifest need. Some states even have laws in this regard, known as \u201cGood Samaritan\u201d laws. Put simply, these laws make it a misdemeanor offense if a person knows someone is in serious danger and yet refuses to intervene or contact emergency services.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I once encountered the exact scenario for which such a law was created.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was driving through my Minneapolis neighborhood on an early morning, when it was still quiet but bright enough to see. At a stop sign, I suddenly heard a woman screaming, \u201cHelp! Help!\u201d I looked to the left and saw a woman running toward me, a man aggressively chasing behind her. \u201cCall 911!,\u201d she said frantically, as she rushed to my driver\u2019s side window (the need was proximate and manifest). The man backed off but was still within view, and I made my weirdest phone call ever, partly because I told the dispatcher that the man was wearing a toboggan on his head, by which I meant hat, as in beanie. Where I grew up we called those toboggans. Confused, the dispatcher reported that the man chasing the woman was carrying a sled on his head as he ran. I sure hoped the police could spot that guy. Once I straightened out that detail, I relayed to the dispatcher that the woman did not appear injured and I stuck around at the stop sign until the police arrived, because that was the decent thing to do. But it\u2019s also the law around here, and a good one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As neighbors, we are In-Relation-Beside, with no authority over one another, but decency is our responsibility. And that responsibility takes different forms due to age, gender, and proximate manifest need. When decency is practiced, it reflects not only good citizenship but traces of a restored relationship with God, which enables us to treat others according to his pattern for human community.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Decency Near and Far?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The adjective \u201cproximate\u201d is especially important in the twenty-first century. For most of history, manifest needs were always geographically proximate. The awareness of need was confined to what people personally encountered. It\u2019s different today, though, because of technology and media. At any given moment we can be aware of countless needs across the entire world. People have never known about more terrible things they can do nothing about. This tension alone often shapes how we think about our relationship with God, especially when we feel overwhelmed by suffering we cannot personally reach.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was called to responsibility toward my neighbor that I heard and saw screaming for help, but I\u2019ve also read about similar needs that I don\u2019t hear or see myself. What is my responsibility toward those people? Is it my responsibility to rescue the hurting and feed the hungry in different timezones? Does that include all 828 million people who hunger? Are there any limits to my responsibility to show decency toward those in need?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
First, to be clear, it is good anytime someone shows decency to those in need, regardless of how proximate the needs may be. That kind of engagement, though, is a unique calling and it is not everyone\u2019s responsibility. When someone is involved in that kind of ministry we might say that the person has a burden for that particular need. For example, you would need a burden to invest in clean water solutions for children in the Congo, but you don\u2019t need a burden to call the police when a neighbor is in imminent danger, running toward your car. That would be your responsibility, your duty, your calling. It\u2019s not something to pray about. You don\u2019t need to \u201cWatch This Video\u201d to conjure up compassion. This responsibility to show decency is determined by the need being proximate and manifest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is what Jesus teaches us in Luke 10, the famous parable of the Good Samaritan (see Luke 10:29\u201337). The man left for dead was clearly in need, desperate for low-risk intervention, yet the priest and Levite both ignored him. They didn\u2019t ignore him by deleting the newsletter or turning off the video, but they walked to the other side of the road to get away from him. They physically turned their heads and moved in a different direction from a dying man.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Samaritan, though irreligious when compared to the previous passersby, had compassion on the injured man. Jesus said the Samaritan, the compassionate man, proved to be a neighbor. The Samaritan didn\u2019t go searching for every robbery victim in Palestine, but he helped the man in front of him, and so we call him \u201cGood.\u201d It was relational decency, pure and simple, and such decency is our responsibility to every person we\u2019re In-Relation-Beside. It\u2019s what God expects of us, which we prudentially apply to others based on age, gender, and proximate, manifest need.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This responsibility is also what sets the bar for our mutual expectations within relationships. If we\u2019re all givers and receivers, as those In-Relation-Beside, how exactly should that look in particular relationships in normal circumstances? What is expected of us in our relationships when there\u2019s not a desperate need right in front of you? These are the kinds of principles behind relationship advice from the Bible, which grounds our everyday conduct in God\u2019s wisdom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now that we\u2019ve set a context for how to think about relationships broadly, it would help to drill down for more detailed application, especially when it comes to relational complexities.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
How does the category of \u201cdecency\u201d inform some of your relationships?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
What some examples of ways that unwritten relational decency might be defied?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
What are some examples of over\/beside\/under relationships in your life?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n
\u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Part 3: Navigating Relational Complexity<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Life is relationships, and relationships are hard, and if we had to target one thing that makes them hard it would be ours and others\u2019 failure to meet expectations. Those expectations most likely have to do with needs. We\u2019re all help-givers, and sometimes we aren\u2019t great with that. And as help-needers, our expectations can be unrealistic. Understanding this tension is part of our relationship with God, because how we relate to him inevitably shapes how we relate to others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Over time, if a person expresses needs that go unmet, that person develops relational mistrust, which leads to relational distress, which leads to that person no longer expressing their needs, or at least regressing in how they express them. You can imagine how this kind of relational mistrust and need-expression illiteracy plays out in relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Worst of all, the reality of consistently unmet needs is one of despair, which is behind so much of addiction. Put simply, addiction is an attempt to escape despair. It\u2019s \u201cour earnest bid to make our emotional worlds comfortable and untroubled.\u201d11<\/sup> And so much of that despair, of human discomfort and trouble, can be traced back to consistently unmet needs. People become desperate to get away from pain \u2014 and can we even begin to quantify how much pain in our world comes from relational brokenness? Even in this, we see how Jesus and relationships are connected, since Jesus repeatedly stepped into the lives of hurting people whose needs had gone unmet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Without doubt, this sobering fact raises the stakes of our foundational relationships in the home, but it also points to the power of relationships anywhere. It\u2019s hard to imagine a higher priority than to develop what\u2019s been called \u201crelational intelligence.\u201d In short, we want to understand our relational expectations to understand our role as help-needers and help-givers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Whenever you\u2019re faced with a difficult relational situation where this seems unclear, your first step, before and unto God, should be getting clarity on the three parts: calling, kind, and decency.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2013 First, consider whether your calling is one of authority or responsibility, or both or neither. \u2013 Second, identify the kind of relationship, whether you\u2019re acting as over, beside, or under, and what \u201ccontracts\u201d might be in play. \u2013 Third, apply decency to the relationship, which, to those whom we are In-Relation-Beside, is determined by the others\u2019 age, gender, or proximate, manifest need.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Once we\u2019ve clarified these parts, one tool that might help us navigate the giving and receiving expectations is a relationship circle. There are numerous examples of these circles called by different names, but the basic idea is that every person (as a person-in-relation) has concentric circles that identify varying levels of relationships. These different rings, or levels, are distinguished by higher to lower levels of trust.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The inner circle is just what you\u2019d expect. It\u2019s Level 1. These are the relationships where you have the highest level of trust, mutual love, and the clearest expectations of giving and receiving. You might call these people \u201cClose Friends,\u201d which should include your immediate family but isn\u2019t limited to them. These people are your confidants and first calls in crisis, and therefore geographical proximity is necessary.12<\/sup> Even here, how you relate is often shaped by your relationship with God, since that vertical foundation influences how deeply you trust and love others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<\/figure>\n\n\n\n
The second ring, Level 2, is what you might call \u201cGood Friends.\u201d These are people you enjoy and trust, but they are outside your inner circle for various reasons, often more practical than moral. This level still includes a high level of trust.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The third ring, Level 3, is a wider circle of people you know, often through a shared interest, and you could rightly call them \u201cFriends.\u201d You love and trust these people, but there isn\u2019t the same amount of earned trust among these relationships as those closer to the center. When you refer to these people you might call them \u201cfriends\u201d or \u201cwe go to the same church\u201d or \u201cwe coached rec baseball together.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The next ring, Level 4, is those you might consider \u201cAcquaintances.\u201d These are people you know, but you\u2019ve not had much contact with them, even though it\u2019s likely you both have mutual friends. These are not people you necessarily mistrust, but you also wouldn\u2019t say you trust them. It\u2019d be weird if you told these people that you love them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Those outside these four rings are who you\u2019d consider \u201cStrangers.\u201d These are people you do not know and should not trust, and it\u2019d be weird if you did.13<\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n<\/figure>\n\n\n\n
Recently, my wife and I were on a flight, seated in front of a passenger who talked loudly to the person beside her, divulging sensational details about her ex-husband, the custody battle for her younger half-sister, some bodily injuries, and her musings about the divine, etc. Several passengers could hear her and eventually I had to put on my headphones. A few hours later, as we waited to deplane and this passenger continued talking, another passenger, older and wiser, interrupted her and said, \u201cDear, you shouldn\u2019t share so much with strangers!\u201d This really happened. It was an incident that ten out of ten people would consider socially \u201coff\u201d \u2014 outside the norm of expectations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And while we don\u2019t want to overshare with strangers, we also should be careful not to orient toward strangers in fear. \u201cStranger-danger\u201d is good advice for young children, but adults should know better. One thing that baffles me is to see fellow humans walk past one another, nearly touching shoulders, and neither acknowledge the existence of the other. That should be as weird to us as the woman on the plane going on about her ingrown toenail. We share a glorious reality with every stranger we meet because we\u2019re both image-bearers of God. Nobody expects strangers to treat them like close friends, but I think our shared creatureliness deserves a \u201cGood morning\u201d and a smile, or at least a nod that kindly suggests, \u201cI recognize your existence.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Moments like these remind us that even the smallest interactions can reflect a relationship with God, and they help shape the kind of christ centered relationships we cultivate with others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Levels for Discernment<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
These four relational levels \u2014 Close Friends, Good Friends, Friends, and Acquaintances \u2014 are meant to guide us practically when it comes to giving and receiving, being help-needers and help-givers. If the titles are throwing you off, you might prefer to refer to the levels as 1, 2, 3, and 4. Apart from proximate, manifest need \u2014 such as a woman running to you screaming for help \u2014 we have different relational expectations based on these different levels. Because we all have relationships of various kinds, the relationship circle immediately gets personal and practical. We have real people in our lives that fall within those four rings, and what is our responsibility to these different people?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For example, I recently had a Close Friend move west a few states. He made plans to drive a 26-foot long moving truck some 24 hours alone, through a section of the Rocky Mountains. He didn\u2019t ask me for help, but I was convinced he needed it. I offered to accompany him on the trip and share the driving. Was I obliged to make that trip with him? Not exactly. I was not commanded by an authority over me. I was under no contract. But I did discern a responsibility to help \u2014 one that I would not have discerned for someone at the \u201cFriend\u201d level (Level 3), and probably not even at the \u201cGood Friend\u201d level (Level 2).14<\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n
To be sure, none of us will carry a relationship circle cheat-sheet in our back pocket, constantly pulling it out for reference \u2014 like in baseball these days when outfielders check the scouting report on every hitter that steps to the plate. But we at least subconsciously think in these terms. Looking back, I decided to help my close friend with the move because he was a bona fide close friend, recognized by the fact that he would have done the same for me, that he\u2019s one of the few people I\u2019d want to hang out with for 36 straight hours, and that he\u2019s on the short list of people I\u2019d never want to move away to begin with. You could call this a relational cocktail of mutuality, joy, and love \u2014 the sort of love shaped by a relationship with God that deepens how we give and receive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We arrived safely and on time, easing the U-Haul into the driveway of his new house, greeted by an army of volunteers, all Friends at least, to help with the unload. But it\u2019s Close Friends who help people leave.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Think about your own relationship circle for a minute. Are you able to place faces in the first few rings? Which relationships are you unsure about where to place?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Keep in mind that none of these levels are fixed and immovable. Throughout different seasons of our lives, especially as our relational callings change, people move in and out of these levels. Our fundamental responsibility is always \u201cdecency,\u201d but that can look different ways toward the same people at different times.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There is my biological brother, for instance. By most standards, I love and trust him as much as anyone, but we live halfway across the country from one another. We keep in contact, and if he had a manifest need, I\u2019d do whatever I could to help him, all things considered. But I wouldn\u2019t consider him a \u201cClose Friend\u201d (Level 1) at this point in our lives, even though I would have considered him that in the past when we lived in the same city. Our biological brotherhood doesn\u2019t necessitate that we be even \u201cGood Friends\u201d (Level 2), but we are because of our love for one another and our similar priorities in life \u2014 not to mention some common interests, such as the St. Louis Cardinals.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And as we navigate these changing rings, we\u2019re reminded that our relationship with God helps us hold relationships with open hands \u2014 grateful, but not grasping \u2014 trusting Him through seasons of closeness and distance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You could probably think of similar examples in your own life, of changing relationships, of friends come and gone. It would be appropriate to mourn the loss of these changes. In fact, you must mourn the loss, lest multiple losses compound over time to shrink your heart and distort you relationally. Are not these losses also a big part of what makes relationships hard?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s not uncommon in dating relationships for young men and women to have the occasional \u201cDTR\u201d conversation (define the relationship), but it\u2019s too awkward to talk like that with anyone else. It would be nice, though, wouldn\u2019t it? You sit down with your bestie and her husband and say, \u201cOkay, it\u2019s official, we\u2019re Close Friends and we always will be, which means neither of our families will move away without the other.\u201d Staying married for a lifetime is challenging enough, close friendships over a lifetime are basically extinct. And that is okay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Years ago, my wife and I were intimidated at the thought of moving to a new city, from Raleigh-Durham to Minneapolis-St. Paul. We were moving toward two acquaintance-contacts (Level 4), but zero friends. Days before we set out, in a casual conversation after a church service, our pastor\u2019s wife, sensing our trepidation, told us that God didn\u2019t owe us friends, but that they are a blessing he provides. That was nearly two decades ago now, and it is so wonderfully true. God has been kind to give us people in our lives with whom we give and receive, even if for a season. We\u2019ve had more relational movement in those circles than I ever imagined, with a lot of joy and sadness mixed in. Life is relationships, and relationships are hard, but God is good. Moments like these also remind us how deeply every season of friendship is shaped by our relationship with God, who faithfully provides the people we need at the right time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Can you identify people in your life at all four levels?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
Which level would you consider your greatest relational need?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
Are there people who would list you as a level 1 close friend? Are there ways you can grow as a help-giver to your own close friends?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n
\u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Part 4: The Goal of Relationships<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
There are three categories of relationships: our relationship with God (vertical) is most important, followed by our relationship to ourselves (internal). These two shape our relationships with others (horizontal).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Within our horizontal relationships, we\u2019re all help-needers and help-givers. One broad way to think about relationships in general is in terms of calling<\/em> and kind<\/em>. What is our calling in the relationship? What kind of relationship is it? In every relationship we either have authority<\/em> or responsibility<\/em>, or both, or neither. That calling, whichever it is, is played out in three kinds of relationship: In-Relation-Over (like a parent), In-Relation-Beside (like a sibling), and In-Relation-Under (like a child).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The way we behave in each of these kinds of relationships is our relational decency. It means we act in a way that is fitting to the relational calling and kind. This is often clearer in cases of In-Relation-Over and under, but it requires more prudence with those to whom we are In-Relation-Beside. In these relationships, our responsibility to decency is determined by the other\u2019s age, gender, and proximate, manifest need.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In normal situations, unlike the Jericho Road experience, it\u2019s often still not clear what our relational expectations might be. A tool for navigating those expectations is a relationship circle, which categorizes our relationships in four levels of highest to lowest trust.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If we could hold all of this together \u2014 the calling and kind, relational decency, our varying expectations in light of the relationship circle \u2014 it would form our relational intelligence \u2026 a daunting task, it may seem, but worth our efforts, especially when we remember what it\u2019s all about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Focusing on the Goal<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
What is the aim<\/em> in our horizontal relationships? Realizing that most of us aren\u2019t experts here, that we\u2019ve made, and are yet to make, countless relational mistakes, what is the goal of relationships anyway?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Well, if our most important relationship is our relationship with God \u2014 if our greatest good is having God and our greatest need is to be reconciled to him \u2014 shouldn\u2019t our horizontal relationships have something to do with that?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
John tells us that in the New Jerusalem there won\u2019t be any need for a sun, because the glory of the Lord will light the city (Rev. 21:23). And we imagine that just as the sun won\u2019t be needed then as it is now, horizontal relationships won\u2019t be either. We already know that there\u2019s no marriage in heaven (see Matt. 22:30), but what about close friends? Or is it that everyone is close friends? We don\u2019t know, but it\u2019s safe to say it\u2019ll be different, and one part that will be different is that we\u2019ll have arrived where we\u2019ve been headed all along. We will finally be in the Celestial City, as John Bunyan calls heaven in Pilgrim\u2019s Progress<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bunyan\u2019s masterpiece, first published in 1678, has reportedly sold more copies than any other book in the world next to the Bible. Written in the form of a travel story as an allegory for the Christian life, Bunyan details the journey of Christian, the main character, from the City of Destruction to the Celestial City. Christian\u2019s pilgrimage, with its ups and downs and near insurmountable challenges, has encouraged countless Christians over the centuries. And perhaps one unsung wonder of the story is how it portrays the value of relationships. In every new scene, every dialogue, Christian finds himself as a person-in-relation, sometimes for good or ill. Ultimately, though, it\u2019s relationships that make the difference for him, giving him the help he needs to arrive safely in the presence of God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The final scene of Christian\u2019s journey makes this clearest. Christian and his friend, Hopeful, come in view of the city\u2019s gate, but \u201cbetwixt them and the Gate was a River, but there was no bridge to go over, and the river was very deep.\u201d The only way to get to the gate was to go through the River, but the way the River worked was that the more faith you had, the shallower the water. When your faith slipped, the water would get deeper and you\u2019d start to sink. But Christian and Hopeful enter the River together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
They then addressed themselves to the Water, and entering, Christian began to sink, and crying out to his good friend Hopeful, he said, I sink in deep Waters; the Billows go over my head, all the Waves go over me. Selah.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then said the other, Be of good cheer, my Brother, I feel the bottom, and it is good.15<\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n
But Christian continued to struggle. Hopeful continued to comfort him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then Hopeful added these words, Be of good cheer, Jesus Christ maketh thee whole: And with that Christian broke out with a loud voice, Oh, I see him again! and he tells me, When thou passest through the Waters, I will be with thee; and through the Rivers, they shall not overflow thee. Then they both took courage together, and the Enemy was after that as still as a stone, until they were gone over.16<\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Just as Christian helped Hopeful earlier in their journey, Hopeful helped Christian here. Help-needers and help-givers, and the ultimate help we all need and give is to have God. In the end, the goal of every horizontal relationship, whatever the calling and kind and varying expectations, should be to help the other get God. We, as individuals-in-relation, want to be pointers, reminders, encouragers, and more, of who God is and what he has done in Christ to bring us home. Deep down, every Christ-centered relationship is meant to strengthen our relationship with God, drawing us closer to him as we journey through life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
On our journey toward that last River, deep and treacherous as it may be, let us, in relationships, take courage together. And until that day we meet the Lord, a fictional angel might remind us that no man is a failure who has friends. Relationships are hard, but life is relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
End Notes<\/h3>\n\n\n\n\n
Faith Cook, A Pilgrim Path: John Bunyan\u2019s Journey, (Evangelical Press, 2017), 39\u201343. See also, John Bunyan, 1666, Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners, (Carlisle, PA: Banner of Truth, 2018).<\/li>\n\n\n\n
Richard Plass and James Cofield, The Relational Soul: Moving from False Self to Deep Connection, (Downers Grove: InterVarsity Press, 2014).<\/li>\n\n\n\n
Plass and Cofield, 109.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
\u201cProfessed theology\u201d (versus \u201clived theology\u201d) is the phrase used by my mentor, Warren Watson. For more from Warren, check out \u201cChange Is Truly Possible: Hope from Forty Years of Counseling,\u201d May 14, 2019, https:\/\/www.desiringgod.org\/articles\/change-is-truly-possible; and \u201cStill Saints: Caring for Christians with Personality Disorders,\u201d January 3, 2019, https:\/\/www.desiringgod.org\/articles\/still-saints.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
Ibid., 109. Emphasis added. For a great example of self-clarity and its importance, see also Peter Scazzero, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: It\u2019s Impossible to Be Spiritually Mature, While Remaining Emotionally Immature, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2017).<\/li>\n\n\n\n
Ibid., 100. The go-to quotation to drive home this point is the opening of John Calvin\u2019s Institutes. \u201cNearly all the wisdom we possess, that is to say, true and sound wisdom, consists of two parts: the knowledge of God and or ourselves.\u201d (Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, Vol 1., trans. Ford Lewis Battles, (Louisville: Westminster John Knox Press, 1960), 35.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
Dane Ortlund, Deeper: Real Change for Real Sinners, (Wheaton: Crossway, 2021).<\/li>\n\n\n\n
Edward T. Welch, Side by Side: Walking with Others in Wisdom and Love, (Wheaton: Crossway, 2015).<\/li>\n\n\n\n
Westminster Larger Catechism (https:\/\/www.ligonier.org\/learn\/articles\/ westminster-larger-catechism); see also John Frame, The Doctrine of the Christian Life, (Phillipsburg: P&R Publishing, 2008), 586.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
The use of \u201cdecency\u201d that I intend is the meaning of fittingness or appropriateness. This is different than the colloquial meaning of \u201cdecent\u201d which is often used to express the lowest possible bar of acceptability. For example, one might ask, \u201cHow is the coffee?\u201d The friend replies, \u201cIt\u2019s decent.\u201d The use here is to say that the coffee is actually bad but could be worse. It\u2019s \u201cdecent\u201d as in \u201cI\u2019m not going to spit it out, but I don\u2019t really like it.\u201d I am not using the word that way. Rather, I am using \u201cdecency\u201d in the same meaning my mother first explained it to me. When my siblings and I were kids, Mom curtailed our barging through closed doors by teaching us to, first, knock, and then ask, \u201cAre you decent?\u201d In other words, is your appearance fitting to the occasion of my seeing you? Appropriateness is the meaning. Relational decency is a certain demeanor prudentially applied to our various relationships given the factors of age, gender, and proximate, manifest need.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
Chip Dodd and Stephen James, Hope in the Age of Addiction: How to Find Freedom and Restore Your Relationships, (Grand Rapids: Revel, 2020), 73.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
Jen Rigney, a Close Friend to my wife and me, read an earlier draft of this guide and noted a distinction among men and women on this point. She and my wife claim that it\u2019s easier for women to maintain Close Friendships without geographic proximity, whereas it\u2019s more difficult for men. My hunch is that lasting closeness in men\u2019s relationships relies upon a common mission, which often requires geographic proximity. C. S. Lewis gets into some of these matters in his book, The Four Loves. See C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves: An Exploration of the Nature of Love, 1960, (Boston: First Mariner Books, 2012 edition).<\/li>\n\n\n\n
Granted, we must trust strangers at some level. The world depends on it. Referred to as \u201ctruth-default theory,\u201d Malcom Gladwell explains this concept in his book, Talking to Strangers: What We Should Know About People We Don\u2019t Know, (Boston: Little, Brown and Company, 2019).<\/li>\n\n\n\n
This is not to say that you wouldn\u2019t make such a trip with a friend (Level 3), but in that case, you would most likely have other interests in play, such as you enjoy road trips, or you wanted to visit the Rocky Mountains, or you were eager to finish a podcast. The true rub of relational responsibility is the cost we\u2019re willing to give for the sake of the other. Where there is higher trust, we are willing to pay higher costs.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
John Bunyan, Pilgrim\u2019s Progress, 1678, (Carlisle, PA: Banner of Truth, 2009), 182.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
JONATHAN PARNELL <\/strong>is the lead pastor of Cities Church in Minneapolis-St. Paul. He is the author of Mercy for Today: A Daily Prayer from Psalm 51 <\/em>and Never Settle for Normal: The Proven Path of Significance and Happiness<\/em>. He and his wife, and their eight children, live in the heart of the Twin Cities.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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