{"id":3169,"date":"2025-04-29T09:07:51","date_gmt":"2025-04-29T09:07:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thementoringproject.com\/?post_type=field_guides&p=3169"},"modified":"2026-04-22T13:27:52","modified_gmt":"2026-04-22T13:27:52","slug":"sexual-purity","status":"publish","type":"field_guides","link":"https:\/\/thementoringproject.com\/fa\/field-guide\/sexual-purity\/","title":{"rendered":"#7 Sexual Purity \u2014 What the Bible Says About Sex Before Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Part 1: No Good Thing Does He Withhold<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019re Not Missing Out<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

As in the Garden of Eden, the appeal of disobeying God\u2019s \u201cno\u201d always starts with the lie that he is withholding something good from us. That\u2019s what the Serpent told Eve. And that\u2019s what he still tells every person who wants to engage in behaviors God forbids, especially sexual sin.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Think about it: everyone who sleeps with a girlfriend or boyfriend, uses pornography, has a one-night stand, engages in a homosexual relationship, or even terminates an unwanted pregnancy is seeking something he or she thinks is good. It could be pleasure, emotional connection, relief from loneliness, a love he or she never received, a feeling of power or control, or escape from the consequences of a previous bad choice. But each of these people sees what he or she is after as something good<\/em> and desirable<\/em>, just as Eve did when she took the forbidden fruit (Gen. 3:6).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Christians are no exception. Though we know God\u2019s rules, we\u2019re still tempted by these and other sins. Looking at the sexual preoccupations of unbelievers, we can get the uneasy feeling that we\u2019re missing out on the fun. You know what I\u2019m talking about: that deep-down suspicion that the lifestyle our culture celebrates really is more exciting, liberating, and fulfilling than the lifestyle God has for us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Before we say more, let\u2019s get one thing clear: We don\u2019t obey God\u2019s rules primarily because we hope for earthly rewards. We obey God because he is God and we belong to him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He created us, and (if we\u2019re Christians) has purchased us anew at the heavy price of Christ\u2019s blood. We obey because it\u2019s right. But one of the ways we know whether something that looks good really is good is to observe its consequences. When we survey the consequences of the way our culture treats sex, it becomes clear that the promises of excitement, liberation, and fulfillment are lies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Take just one example: cohabitation, now the most common way couples in America establish long-term relationships. Does it result in happiness and lasting love (which is still something most people say they want)?1<\/sup> Certainly, a lot of people are convinced it will. According to Pew Research, nearly sixty percent of American adults ages 18\u201344 have lived together with a partner outside of Christian dating at some point. Only fifty percent have ever been married.2<\/sup> In other words, cohabitation is now more popular than marriage. How has it worked out? Does moving in together lead to happiness and lasting love?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bradford Wilcox with the Institute for Family Studies reports that only thirtythree percent of couples who move in together end up getting married. Fiftyfour percent break up without marrying. Cohabitation, in other words, is much more likely to end in a breakup than a \u201chappily ever after.\u201d But it gets worse. Thirty-four percent of married couples who lived together before getting engaged divorce within the first ten years, compared with just twenty percent of couples who wait until marriage to live together.3<\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And it\u2019s not just cohabitation. The research is clear that all<\/em> so-called premarital \u201csexual experience\u201d hurts your chances of getting married, staying married, and living together happily. Jason Carroll and Brian Willoughby at the Institute for Family Studies summarized the findings of many different surveys and found that \u201cthe lowest divorce rates in early marriage are found among married couples who have only had sex with each other.\u201d4<\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In particular, they wrote, \u2018\u2026women who wait until marriage to have sex experience only a 5% chance of divorce in the first five years of marriage, whereas women who engage in sex before marriage and report having two or more sex partners before marriage have between a 25% to 35% chance of divorce\u2026\u201d.5<\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In their latest research, Carroll and Willoughby found that \u201csexually inexperienced\u201d people enjoy the highest levels of relationship satisfaction, stability, and \u2014 get this<\/em> \u2014 sexual satisfaction!6<\/sup> In other words,
if what you\u2019re after is a lasting, stable, and fulfilling sexual relationship, nothing gives you a better chance at achieving that than waiting until marriage to have sex, which is God\u2019s way. By contrast, nothing gives you a worse chance at achieving that kind of relationship than gaining sexual \u201cexperience\u201d with multiple partners before marriage, which is the culture\u2019s way. These findings are no secret. They have been widely reported in secular and mainstream publications like The Atlantic.<\/em>7<\/sup>\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019d think a culture as obsessed as ours is with sex would at least be having a lot of it. But you\u2019d be wrong. Far from sexually liberated, Americans today are having less sex than ever! The Washington Post<\/em> reported in 2019 that nearly a quarter of American adults had not had sex in the past year. Twentysomethings, the group you\u2019d expect to be the most sexually active, are having sex dramatically less often than their parents did in the 1980s and 1990s.8<\/sup> Despite online dating, increased acceptance of hookups, and access to limitless inspiration in pornography, the result of all this liberation has been a less<\/em> sexually active population.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Which segment of the population has the most sex? This may not surprise you by now, but according to the General Social Survey, it\u2019s married couples!9<\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Summing up, many in our culture would like you to believe that purity is a drag. They want you to think of Christian sexual morality as a restrictive, boring, and unfulfilling way to live, and liberation from old-fashioned sexual rules as exciting, fun, and romantic. They want you to view disobedience to God\u2019s rules as a shortcut to the good life. But the facts are remarkably clear: if you want a lasting, stable, fulfilling, active sexual relationship, there simply isn\u2019t a more reliable path than doing things God\u2019s way. The forbidden fruit of sexual freedom simply isn\u2019t as sweet as advertised. It\u2019s a lie. You\u2019re not missing out on anything. The culture\u2019s \u201cyes\u201d is a dead end, and God\u2019s \u201cno\u201d exists to protect something far better \u2014 that beautiful gift he wants to give you and me. We\u2019ll look at that \u201cyes\u201d next.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What Is Purity?<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

When we speak of \u201csexual purity,\u201d it\u2019s easy to form a picture in our minds of keeping clean from contamination. Certainly, that\u2019s what \u201cpurity\u201d often means in our language, and it\u2019s a fine analogy in some ways. But it can also lead people who\u2019ve messed up sexually to view themselves as permanently dirty or stained, as if they\u2019ve gotten something nasty on them and need a good soap to wash it off. I think of those poor sea creatures that get coated in sludge after an oil spill. Their problem isn\u2019t something that\u2019s missing. It\u2019s a lot of something they need to get rid of!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Strictly speaking, sin isn\u2019t like that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let\u2019s go back to creation. When God made the world as recorded in Genesis 1, he pronounced it \u201cgood\u201d six times. The seventh time, after he had created human beings, he pronounced his work \u201cvery<\/em> good\u201d (Gen. 1:31). This divine appraisal forms the ethical background of all of Scripture. God likes the world he made. This includes our sexual bodies.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The fifth-century church father Augustine of Hippo was the first to clearly express the idea, based on his reading of Scripture, that evil doesn\u2019t really exist. Rather, it\u2019s a corruption, distortion, or \u201cprivation\u201d of the good God created.10<\/sup> Evil is less like an oil slick and more like the darkness in the absence of light, or the emptiness when someone digs a hole, or the corpse when someone is killed. We speak of \u201cdarkness\u201d and \u201cemptiness\u201d and \u201cdead bodies\u201d because our language forces us to, but these things are really just voids where light and earth and life should<\/em> be. Evil is like this. We can only speak of it existing insofar as it leeches the energy from things that are good. As C. S. Lewis put it, evil is a \u201cparasite.\u201d11<\/sup> It has no life of its own. Everything that exists, in the view of Genesis 1, is \u201cgood.\u201d If something is not<\/em> good, it doesn\u2019t exist in the biblical sense \u2014 it\u2019s darkness, emptiness, and death.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When we sin, we are choosing to take the good things God created and gouge a hole in them. We\u2019re turning off the lights. We\u2019re snuffing out life. We\u2019re perverting creation\u2019s purpose and waging war on that \u201cvery good\u201d God pronounced over his work at the beginning. This is nowhere truer than when we sin with our bodies. Let this be very clear in your mind: sexual immorality isn\u2019t just getting dirty. It is an act of spiritual self-mutilation. It is a slow and deliberate killing of the person God made you to be (and the person he made your \u201cpartner\u201d or victim to be). This is why Proverbs 5:5 says that a sexually immoral person is walking into his or her own grave. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if sin is an absence<\/em> of something that should be there, rather than a substance you can get on you like dirt or oil, it means that what you need if you\u2019ve sinned sexually isn\u2019t a bottle of spiritual Dawn dish soap. You need healing<\/em>. You need to be made whole, as God intended.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How do we know what healing and wholeness look like? How do we know what God intended for sex? From his commandments in Scripture, of course. But taking what we\u2019ve learned so far, we can now say that God\u2019s negative commandments are actually positive descriptions of how he created us, stated in reverse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

His \u201cthou shalt nots\u201d are actually, in a way, \u201cthou shalts!\u201d When he told Moses, \u201cthou shalt not commit adultery\u201d (Ex. 20:14), what he was really saying was, \u201cthou shalt be sexually whole \u2014 according to my good design for your body and relationships.\u201d Or put even more simply, \u201cthou shalt be what I made you to be.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Does that strike you as a strange description of sexual purity, or of God\u2019s moral commandments? It shouldn\u2019t. When Jesus was asked to summarize the entire moral law of God \u2014 every single commandment \u2014 he dropped all of the \u201cnos\u201d and rephrased it in two positive statements: \u201cLove the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind,\u201d and \u201cLove your neighbor as yourself\u201d (Matt. 22:37\u201340). Both of these positive commandments were already present in the Old Testament (Lev. 19:18 and Deut. 6:5). And the Apostle Paul agreed, simplifying it even further with the statement that \u201clove is the fulfillment of the law\u201d (Rom. 13:8).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We were made to love. It\u2019s what it means to be human, for we are created in the image of the God who is, himself, love (1 John 4:16). Every sexual sin the fall of Adam introduced into the world is a failure to reflect that perfect love of God. And that means it\u2019s a failure to be fully human \u2014 to be fully ourselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Who are we? According to Scripture and Christian reflection on human nature (what theologians call \u201cnatural law\u201d), we are monogamous sexual beings. We are the kind of creatures that were made to express sexual love only within a permanent and exclusive union with a member of the opposite sex. What is lust in the Bible? Lust is the perversion of God\u2019s design for sex; it is a selfish, unrestrained desire that seeks to fulfill our own passions outside of the boundaries God has set for us. Christian dating should reflect this understanding, promoting relationships based on purity and commitment rather than the fleeting desires that lust encourages.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Do you believe that? Do you really believe that you were made for sexual purity? Do you believe that God\u2019s rules for sex aren\u2019t arbitrary regulations imposed from outside of you but faithful reflections of your very being and wellbeing? Because, according to the Bible, they are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s another analogy I\u2019ve found helpful: C. S. Lewis described human beings as machines that God invented, just as a man invents an engine.12<\/sup> When the engine\u2019s owner\u2019s manual tells you what type of fuel to put in the tank and how to maintain the engine, these aren\u2019t restrictions on the engine\u2019s freedom. They\u2019re accurate descriptions of how the engine functions, because the person who wrote the manual is the same person who built the engine!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God\u2019s instructions for sex are like that. We are actually monogamous. We were actually designed for marriage or celibate singleness. The corruptions which sin has introduced into our desires and wills are really malfunctions, missing parts, or the wrong fuel. This is why they cause the human engine to break down. We weren\u2019t made to run that way. This also means that God\u2019s \u201cyes\u201d when it comes to sex is the owner\u2019s manual he wrote after designing us. It accurately describes how to repair and run ourselves as sexual beings. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, what does that look like? What did God make the sexual human being to do? Why does his \u201cvery good\u201d creation include this strange, wonderful, and exciting form of relationship the Serpent was so eager to corrupt? There are two answers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Discussion & Reflection:<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
    \n
  1. What surprised you in the statistics and information of this section? Did your reaction to those reveal some ways you\u2019ve subtly believed the lies our culture is telling?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  2. Are you tempted to resent any of God\u2019s commands regarding sexual purity? What might be lying beneath that resentment, and what truth of God\u2019s Word might you use to dislodge it?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  3. How does this depiction of purity align with the way you\u2019ve thought about it? Did this correct or fill in your grasp of God\u2019s call on our sexual lives?
    <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    \u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Part 2: What is Sex For?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    Procreation<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    Here\u2019s a question for you: Why do human beings come in two sexes? Why do men and women have such different bodies, crafted with distinct bone structures, musculatures, facial features, height, shape, chest areas, sexual organs both external and internal, and even sex chromosomes in every cell of their bodies? Why do men and women possess key anatomical systems that are functionless on their own, but which fit together like pieces of a puzzle? Why, when NASA sent the Pioneer spacecrafts to fly beyond our solar system in the 1970s, did they include metal plaques engraved with a nude man and woman side-by-side to show hypothetical extraterrestrials what our species looks like?13<\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The answer, of course, is reproduction. We were made to make babies. Every feature I just named is part of the dimorphic wonder that splits our kind into two halves that, when they come back together, can conceive, gestate, birth, and nourish new human beings. Our bodies are built around this capability.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    It\u2019s easy in a world dominated by consumerism, contraception, and hookups to forget this obvious purpose of our sexual bodies, but no one who has spent any time on a farm or in a biology classroom can miss it. Animals come in male and female varieties, and unite to produce offspring \u2014 many of them in a way that\u2019s similar to human reproduction. According to Medieval Christian thought, humans are \u201crational animals,\u201d sharing much of our natures with God\u2019s other living creations. We\u2019re different from them in many ways, of course, but in this important respect, we are like them: we reproduce through sexual union. The sexual differences between men and women, and sex in the Bible, are designed for procreation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    If this statement strikes you as strange, it is only because we have been conditioned to ignore the connection between sex and babies. Everything from TV and music to fitness culture and pornography have trained us to think of sex before marriage as something people do for fun, with zero commitment, consequences, or significance. Birth control has played an especially powerful role in concealing the nature of our own bodies from us. For all of human history until very recently, having sex has meant likely creating new human life. Biologically, this is its purpose! That reality caused societies to place restrictions around sex. Widespread contraception changed that. It made it possible for the first time ever to imagine sex without procreation \u2014 to sever these two tightly linked realities in a reliable way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    In her book, The Genesis of Gender<\/em>, Abigail Favale summarizes how \u201cthe pill\u201d changed sex from an essentially reproductive act to a recreational one \u2014 something we do merely for fun or to express ourselves:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    In our imagination, reproduction has receded into the background. Our procreative capacities are seen as incidental to manhood and womanhood, rather than an integral aspect\u2014indeed, the defining feature\u2014of those very identities. We live and move and have our trysts in a contraceptive society, where the visible sexual markers of our bodies no longer gesture toward new life, but signal the prospect of sterile pleasure.15<\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Christians disagree on whether contraception is morally acceptable, and if so, when it should be used. We won\u2019t address that question in this guide. The point I wish to make is that on a cultural level, reliable and widely available birth control changed the way we think about sex, turning it from a potentially life-altering, life-making act to a meaningless pastime. This isn\u2019t what God intended.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    When he created us, God could have caused us to reproduce in any number of ways. We could have divided like microorganisms. We could have produced seeds like plants. We could have cloned ourselves. Instead, God determined that humans would \u201cbe fruitful and multiply\u201d through sex. When he gave Eve to Adam as a \u201csuitable helper\u201d in Genesis 2:18, one of the primary ways she was to help her husband was through bearing children. In fact, the prophet Malachi many centuries later says this was the very reason God invented marriage: \u201cDid he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth.\u201d (Mal. 2:15).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    For animals, of course, reproduction is merely a matter of keeping the species going and spreading genes. But humans are much more than mere animals. Procreation for us has significance far beyond the need to renew our population. It has social and spiritual meaning, even for those who never have children.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Think about it: none of us is a self-existent or truly solitary individual. Unlike some animals, which only see each other to mate or fight, humans live together in societies. We know where we came from and who we are in part because of whose<\/em> we are. We are not mere members of the same species passing warily in a forest. We are mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, husbands, and wives. We exist in relationships, because of relationships, and were made for relationships. The moment we are born, we fall into the arms of people we didn\u2019t choose and receive care from them we didn\u2019t earn.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    This relational nature of human beings begins with procreation. And in this way, God designed sex to show us who we really are: deeply dependent creatures who have nothing except what we\u2019ve received, first from other humans, and ultimately from him. This is tough for those raised in an individualistic culture to accept. We like to think of ourselves as autonomous, independent, and self-made. Yet the procreative nature of sex as God designed it testifies to an older, bigger, and more profound picture of humans \u2014 not as isolated units, but more like branches on a tree. We rely on the larger branches and trunk for our lives, and we in turn give life to new shoots and twigs that spring from us. This is who we are, whether we choose to live by God\u2019s rules or not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Keeping sex\u2019s reproductive purpose at the front of our minds will help us avoid many of our culture\u2019s errors. Children are a big part of God\u2019s \u201cyes\u201d when it comes to sex, and any vision for sexual morality that ignores them is incomplete. God wrote self-giving love into the very biology of the human race. New people are (in his design) loved into existence, and receive their identities from that love. In the succession of generations as God planned it, each of us comes as a gift to our parents, and has received life as a gift. Those of us who have children will in turn give them the gift of life and receive them as God\u2019s gifts from above. None of us, no matter how broken our families, are disconnected from the nourishing sap of the human tree. It\u2019s why we exist!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Our culture wants to conceal this truth from you. It wants to convince you that your body is a plaything you own, not a marvelous gift from God, organized around the potential to make life (which is true even if you don\u2019t or can\u2019t have children). But it\u2019s a lie. We don\u2019t own our bodies. God does. And sexual purity means living in light of this wonderful fact. For Christians, the call to remember who owns us is doubly important. We were not merely created by God\u2019s hand but were \u201cbought with a price\u201d out of sin by the blood of Christ. \u201cTherefore,\u201d writes the Apostle Paul, speaking of sexual morality, \u201chonor God with your bodies\u201d (1 Cor. 6:20).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    In God\u2019s owner\u2019s manual for the human person, sexual relationships always take place with an awareness of procreation, and are ordered toward the wellbeing of any children that result from the union. But this also means, necessarily, that they are based on committed, permanent, self-giving love for one\u2019s spouse. And that is the second purpose of sex.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Union<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    At the heart of creation is a principle: diversity-in-union. Long before Christ was born in Bethlehem, ancient Greek philosophers puzzled over what they saw as the problem of \u201cthe one and the many.\u201d They wanted to know which was ultimate in the world: the union of all things or their diversity. When Christians came along, they began to answer the question in a surprising way: \u201cyes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    For Christians, both unity and<\/em> diversity find their origin in the being of God himself, who, according to Scripture as interpreted by the Council of Nicaea, is one in essence but three in person \u2014 a Trinity. This principle of diversityin-union, unsurprisingly, is reflected in partial ways throughout creation. As Joshua Butler writes in his book, Beautiful Union<\/em>, it shows up in the meeting of opposites that form the most spellbinding scenery in our world: sky and earth meet in the mountains, sea and land meet at the shore, and day and night meet in sunsets and sunrises.16<\/sup> The atom is composed of three particles (protons, neutrons, electrons), time is composed of three moments (past, present, future) and space is composed of three dimensions (height, width, depth). Human persons are, themselves, a union of material and immaterial aspects that together make a single being. And sex is yet another instance of diverse things uniting to create something more wonderful and profound. As Butler writes:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Sex is diversity-in-union, grounded in the structure of creation\u2026God loves taking the two and making them one. This is present in the very structure of our bodies and the world that surrounds us, pointing\u2014so close to us that we can take it for granted\u2014to a larger logic, a larger life given by God. God loves doing this, I believe, because God is<\/em> diversityin-union.17<\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    We mustn\u2019t press these analogies too far when we\u2019re talking about the mystery of the Trinity, but the sexual union between man and wife does reflect the very heart of Christian morality, which Scripture also describes as a core attribute of God: self-giving love (1 John 4:8). Love is the meaning of the universe and the fulfillment of God\u2019s law. This is why we are meant to be loved into existence, and why permanent and exclusive marriage is the only context in which sexual love can fulfill its God-given purpose of fully uniting two people to become \u201cone flesh\u201d (Gen. 2:24).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Here we come to one of the most fundamental reasons why God\u2019s \u201cyes\u201d for sexuality excludes all forms of sexual activity outside of marriage between a man and a woman. God designed sex to say, in the loudest way possible, \u201cI want you, all of you, forever.\u201d But only in marriage can a couple say these words honestly. In every other context, they are spoken with qualifications and conditions. In pornography and hookups, we say to one another, \u201cI want only as much of you as it takes to satisfy my fleeting desires, but after that I want nothing more to do with you.\u201d In sex before marriage and cohabitation, we say to one another, \u201cI want you as long as it\u2019s convenient and you satisfy my needs, or until I find someone better. But I\u2019m not promising to stick around.\u201d And in a culture of contraception and abortion, we say to one another, \u201cI want some of what your body can offer me, but I reject its complete design and ability to make new life.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The permanent union of marriage is the only place in which two people can fully, completely, and unconditionally embrace one another as sexual partners. It is the only place where lovers say to one another, \u201cI accept you, all of you, in your fullness, as a complete person now and forever \u2014 not just what you can give me, but also what you need from me. I accept your capacity for emotions and intimacy, for friendship and procreation. I also accept your need for love when I don\u2019t feel loving, for a place to live, for someone to watch over you when you\u2019re sick or poor, for someone to help you raise children, for someone to walk beside you through old age, and for someone to hold you as you die.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    But the union God brings about in marriage is more than simply the union of a couple. It is a union of lives, households, fortunes, and names. It takes two families and joins them. It is the most basic building block of human society, the beginning of neighborhoods, churches, businesses, friend groups, and hospitable households. All who enter marriage begin a process that will profoundly affect the lives of human beings in addition to the one standing opposite the altar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Marriage is a public act, and this is why it\u2019s fitting to recognize it in law. God\u2019s \u201cyes\u201d for sex is about much more than personal gratification or companionship. It is about reflecting his own nature \u2014 love \u2014 at the heart of human civilization.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    But it gets even more wonderful and mysterious. In Ephesians 5, the Apostle Paul tells us that the \u201cone flesh\u201d union between a man and his wife signifies the union between Christ and his church. Butler calls it an \u201cicon\u201d18<\/sup> that points to the way Jesus, God incarnate, has given his bride his flesh and blood on the cross, gives it to her in the Lord\u2019s Supper, and will give it to her perfectly at his return, when he will make the lowly bodies of Christians like his glorious, resurrected body (Phil. 3:21).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    In other words, marriage is a living parable in which the physical, spiritual, relational, and lifelong union between a man and a woman symbolically acts out the redeeming love of Christ for his people. That\u2019s quite a \u201cyes.\u201d But it reinforces again what God\u2019s \u201cnos\u201d exist to protect: when we violate his design for the lifelong union of our sexual bodies, whether we\u2019re Christians or not, we\u2019re lying about God\u2019s own love and the very structure of creation. Worse, we are defacing the sacred image he chose to represent salvation, portraying Jesus as an unfaithful husband, and his work in the church as futile and failing. We\u2019re not merely breaking God\u2019s rules. We\u2019re marring his image in us and in our relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Non-Christians will dismiss much of what we\u2019ve explored here. But for Christians, the union God intended in sex is deeply serious. Paul warns that since our bodies are \u201cmembers of Christ,\u201d when we misuse them, we are misusing Christ (1 Cor. 6:15). Whether we ever marry or not, all Christians are covenant participants in a greater marriage between the Lord Jesus and his bride, the church. We are bound to honor that marriage our whole lives by treating sex with the purity Scripture demands, either through godly marriage or godly celibacy (singleness). But we must always remember that the goal isn\u2019t merely to follow a set of rules. It is to place faithful love on the throne of our moral lives \u2014 and in doing so to tell the truth about the God who showed his perfect love by creating us and redeeming us from self-destruction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Discussion & Reflection:<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
      \n
    1. In what ways did this section deepen your understanding of God\u2019s design for sex? Are there ways that your views of procreation or union were enriched?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    2. In what ways does our culture \u2014 and the evil one \u2014 war against the purposes of procreation and union?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

      \u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Part 3: What About?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

      Can I Be Pure If I\u2019ve Messed Up?<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

      One of the enduring criticisms of \u201cpurity culture\u201d (the name often given to evangelical books, conferences, and sermons on sex from the 1990s) is that it gave young people the impression that if they sinned sexually, they were forever \u201cdamaged goods.\u201d In particular, critics cite a nightmarish parable from the opening chapter of Joshua Harris\u2019s bestselling book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye<\/em>, in which a man at the altar on his wedding day is greeted by a procession of young women he previously had sex with, all of whom claim a piece of his heart.19<\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n

      In reaction, bloggers and authors critical of \u201cpurity culture\u201d have emphasized the grace of God in the gospel, and the fact that Christ\u2019s work atones for our past lives and makes us \u201cnew creations\u201d (2 Cor. 5:17). This is, of course, true \u2014 gloriously true! And there is nothing that matters more than our standing before God. Through the blood of Christ, received by faith, we are, indeed, washed clean of all our sins and given a righteousness not of our own making (Phil. 1:9).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      But I\u2019m not sure that critics understand what earlier \u201cpurity culture\u201d authors were getting at, or why those authors warned their readers against sexual immorality in such dramatic terms. I don\u2019t think evangelical parents, pastors, or writers in my youth were questioning the power of the gospel to give us a new start before God or absolve us of our sins, no matter how serious those sins are. Instead, I suspect \u201cpurity culture\u201d figures looked around, saw the devastation of the sexual revolution in the wider culture, and wanted to highlight the natural consequences of distorting God\u2019s design for sex before marriage and for our bodies \u2014 consequences that don\u2019t necessarily disappear when we repent of our sins and place our faith in Jesus.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      And such sins do have lasting consequences. Whether it\u2019s the memory of past sexual partners, sexually transmitted diseases, children whose custody is shared between separated parents, trauma from abuse, or even regret from an abortion, sexual sin inflicts lasting wounds, both on those who commit that sin and on innocent parties. The gospel offers forgiveness, absolutely! But it doesn\u2019t erase all the consequences of our bad choices, at least not on this side of eternity. This is part of the reason sexual sin is so serious, and why those who\u2019ve violated God\u2019s rules and repented are right to regret their past decisions. Because sex is so special and central in God\u2019s plan for human beings, and because it connects us so intimately with the lives of others, rebelling against God\u2019s design in this area causes lasting pain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      But that doesn\u2019t mean those who\u2019ve left sexual sin behind can\u2019t go on to live pure and holy lives. This is where we need to reconsider the way we think about purity, discarding images of sin like that oil spill coating unlucky birds and instead think of wholeness, healing, and restoration to God\u2019s design for his human creations. All of us need this healing, not only because we\u2019ve committed personal sins, but because we are born into Adam\u2019s rebellion, broken and inclined to make war against God from the moment we draw our first breath.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      It is true that someone who has avoided certain sexual sins will also avoid the consequences that come from those sins. But to be sexually pure, or \u201cchaste\u201d as older Christian thinkers described it, is about much more than avoiding consequences. It\u2019s about living our lives, no matter what our pasts, in light of Christ\u2019s death for us and in pursuit of righteousness through the power of the Holy Spirit. The worst sinner in the world could repent, receive God\u2019s forgiveness, and live a life of resplendent moral purity and holiness. This is, in fact, how the Apostle Paul summarized his own post-conversion life (1 Tim. 1:15).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      If you have sinned sexually in the past and brought painful consequences on yourself and others, God wants to forgive you. He will do so, this very moment. If you repent and trust in Christ, he will declare you \u201cnot guilty\u201d in his eternal court of justice and welcome you into his family room, calling you \u201cbeloved son\u201d or \u201cbeloved daughter\u201d and make you an heir of the family fortune along with Jesus (Rom. 8:17).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      If you have received God\u2019s forgiveness for sexual and all other types of sins, yet still struggle to think of yourself as \u201cpure,\u201d consider what we discussed earlier about evil being a distortion of God\u2019s good creation, with no existence of its own. You aren\u2019t a white sheet of paper marred by black ink blots, or a sea gull coated with petroleum. You are a wonderful but damaged creation that has a purpose, a design, a glorious end, but is terribly wounded and needs its maker to piece it back together. You need to be made whole, and that is exactly what \u201cpurity\u201d should mean: living in obedience and agreement with the design of the God who made you, who loves you, and who stands ready to turn your life around. This is a key part of your relationship with God \u2014 living according to his design and resisting temptation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      As before, it gets better. The God who loves you and promises all this is in the business of turning what was meant for evil into good. These are the words of Joseph to his brothers in Genesis 50:20 after they betrayed him and sold him into slavery in Egypt. God used their terrible sin and murderous hearts to save the nation of Israel from a deadly famine. He can certainly use the consequences of sexual sin to bring about great and mysterious blessings beyond human comprehension. He is a mighty God \u2014 so mighty that he turned the most wicked act ever committed, the killing of his Son, into an atonement that brought about the salvation of the world (Acts 4:27). Trust him, and he can use your story for good, no matter what you\u2019ve done. He can make you pure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Can I Be Pure If I\u2019m Single?<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

      Finally, we come to a question many in the church are asking, but which few seem to know how to answer: how can those who are not married and have no immediate expectation of getting married embrace God\u2019s \u201cyes\u201d for sex? Doesn\u2019t \u201cpurity,\u201d for them, consist entirely of saying \u201cno?\u201d What the Bible says about sex is clear: the only place for sexual union is within marriage, and celibacy is not a denial of God’s design but a positive commitment to guarding the heart and remaining pure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      This is where we need to pay special attention to God\u2019s positive plan for human sexuality, not just his negative commandments. It\u2019s true that Christianity imposes a stark choice on us: lifelong faithfulness to one spouse, or lifelong celibacy. Those are the options, both pleasing to God. But neither option is an incomplete or unfulfilled way of being human. Rather, both are ways of honoring and insisting on the fullness<\/em> of God\u2019s design for sexuality. Both are refusals to compromise the gift of bodily life he has given us, or to degrade others made in his image by loving them halfheartedly. Both marriage and celibacy are deeply natural and in harmony with his design for human beings; both are ways of living in sexual purity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Part of the reason Christians insisted so sternly on these two choices was that for unbelievers in the first century, exploiting others for sexual pleasure was the norm. Christianity introduced a radical reform of sexual morality to GrecoRoman society, what Kevin DeYoung has called \u201cthe first sexual revolution.\u201d20 <\/sup>Into a culture in which high-status men were permitted to satiate their sexual urges whenever and with almost whomever they liked, the followers of Jesus demanded faithful marriage or celibacy, and early leaders of Christianity modeled both.21<\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n

      We know that the Apostle Peter, for instance, was married, as were \u201cthe Lord\u2019s brothers\u201d and other apostles (1 Cor. 9:3\u20135). So were Aquila and Priscilla, a missionary couple who lived, worked, and traveled with the Apostle Paul (Acts 18:18\u201328). Many among the apostles and other key figures in the New Testament were single. In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul even portrays singleness as a better option than marriage in light of his readers\u2019 \u201cpresent distress,\u201d since it allows the Christian to focus solely on \u201chow he can please the Lord\u201d (1 Cor. 7:26\u201332). Jesus himself, humanly speaking, was single for life. He did this not in order to avoid God\u2019s blessings, but precisely because remaining single on earth was a means by which he would purchase his eternal bride, the church. In other words, the New Testament consistently models singleness as aimed at something glorious, not aimed away from it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      What does the Bible say on sex? Sex is a gift within the confines of marriage, a sacred union. Sex in the Bible is for the purpose of procreation and intimacy within marriage, and it’s designed to bring a husband and wife together as one flesh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Toward what will your singleness be aimed? That is one of the most important questions you can ask if you believe God has called you to purity through lifelong celibacy. In biblical terms, being unmarried enables a Christian to serve God\u2019s kingdom with undivided focus and dedication. Missionaries in dangerous settings, certain clergy, servants to the poor and sick, and Christians with particularly demanding ministries of any kind should expect God to leverage their singleness to great effect, as Paul describes. Single Christians are not concerned with \u201cthe things of this world\u201d like married people are, and can give their full attention to serving God (1 Cor. 7:33). Singleness is not an opportunity to please yourself. It is a high calling from the Lord.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      As we saw earlier, being single also doesn\u2019t mean marriage and family are irrelevant to you. All of us are products of sexual unions, tied to people around us through bonds of blood, and enmeshed in communities shaped by families. Family is still the basic building block of society, and the future of any church, community, or nation depends ultimately on couples making babies. Every time you interact with, care for, or disciple children, you are participating in the lives of families, and your ministry as a single Christian can influence countless others to use their sexuality according to God\u2019s design, as outlined in sex scriptures and Bible verses on purity. You may not be married, but you are deeply connected to marriages all around you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Finally, consider this: marriage rates in the United States are at an all-time low. There are many reasons for this, ranging from loosened sexual morals and the decline of religion, to economics and a culture that prizes autonomy and achievement over family. This means the fact that you\u2019re single right now might not be normal, historically speaking, and might not be God\u2019s long-term will for your life. Birth rates are falling throughout much of the world, and in many countries, they have reached the point where not enough babies are being born to replace the old who die. Obviously, this is unsustainable for long. And it tells us that something has gone wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Writing at the Christian journal First Things<\/em>, Kevin DeYoung diagnoses the problem as a spiritual one:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      The reasons for declining fertility are no doubt many and varied. Surely, some couples want to have more children but are unable to do so. Others struggle with economic pressures or health limitations. But fertility does not plummet worldwide without deeper issues at play, especially when people around the world are objectively richer, healthier, and afforded more conveniences than at any time in human history. Though individuals make their choices for many reasons, as a species, we are suffering from a profound spiritual sickness\u2014a metaphysical malaise in which children seem a burden on our time and a drag on our pursuit of happiness. Our malady is a lack of faith, and nowhere is the disbelief more startling than in the countries that once made up Christendom. \u2018I will multiply your offspring as the stars of heaven,\u2019 God promised a delighted Abraham (Gen. 26:4). Today, in the lands of Abraham\u2019s offspring, that blessing strikes most as a curse.22<\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n

      In short, a lot of people \u2014 millions \u2014 who should be marrying and having children, and normally would be at any other time in history, are no longer doing so. This is largely because modern societies have tried to ignore the procreative purpose of sex, and have prioritized other goals in life, and so have come to view babies as a burden to avoid. The Bible on sex clearly connects sex to marriage and family, encouraging godly relationships in the context of commitment. It\u2019s reasonable to consider this context in which you live, and question whether our society\u2019s increasingly negative attitude toward marriage and children has affected your decision making. Sex before marriage is often portrayed in a distorted light, and by rejecting biblical boundaries, we risk losing sight of what God intended for sexual union.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      How will you know whether you should be pursuing marriage? Quite simply, if you desire sex before marriage and are committed to obeying God\u2019s rules, you should strongly consider marriage. What the Bible says about lust is clear: it warns us to flee from temptation and to keep our desires in check, and presents marriage in part as a remedy to sexual temptation (1 Cor. 7:2\u20139). If you don\u2019t feel specially gifted for lifelong celibacy, then you should be preparing yourself for marriage and pursuing a spouse. This is not always easy, of course, and it will look different for men and women and from context to context. But record low marriage rates are a sign that something has gone very wrong with our society. Before you conclude that God is calling you to singleness, consider whether you might, instead, be called to purity with a spouse. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Discussion & Reflection:<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
        \n
      1. How does your blood-bought status as a \u201cbeloved son\u201d or \u201cbeloved daughter\u201d change the way you think of your past sins, sexual or otherwise? Perhaps now would be a good time to reflect on the glory of Christ, who\u2019s made all his disciples white as snow.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
      2. Do your views of singleness align with what\u2019s described in this section?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
      3. The Bible calls us to \u201clet marriage be held in honor among all\u201d (Heb. 13:4).
        How can that look in your life, whether you\u2019re married or single? <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

        \u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        Conclusion: God is For You<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

        In his masterful sermon, The Weight of Glory<\/em>, C. S. Lewis criticizes the way modern Christians substitute negative attributes like \u201cunselfishness\u201d for positive virtues like love.23<\/sup> He sees a problem with this habit of talking in negatives: it sneaks in the suggestion that the main goal of behaving morally isn\u2019t to treat other people well but to treat ourselves badly \u2014 not to give them good, but to deny it to ourselves. We seem to think being miserable for its own sake is godly. Lewis disagrees. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

        He points out how, in the New Testament, self-denial is never an end in itself. Instead, saying \u201cno\u201d to sin and the things that hinder our faith (Heb. 12:1) is about pursuing something more excellent, that is, abundant life in Christ. Scripture constantly describes this abundant life in terms of rewards, pleasures, and delights, both in this world and the next. It promises that by following Christ and obeying his commands, we are ultimately pursuing our highest good \u2014 the \u201ceternal weight of glory\u201d Paul says is worth any earthly suffering or self-denial (2 Cor. 4:17\u201318).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        Lewis\u2019s point is that God really and truly wants what\u2019s best for us. He wants to give us ultimate happiness (joy), which is only found through loving him and loving others as he does. He really is for us, not against us. Waking up to this fact means learning to want, fiercely and desperately, what God wants for us, because that alone is what we were designed for, and everything else is a cheap substitute. Lewis writes:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        \u2026it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.24<\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n

        God made us for something wonderful, and sexual purity is part of that gift. The reason he says \u201cno\u201d so often to our corrupted sexual desires is that he wants to give us something far better. Our problem is not that we want sex too much. In a very important way, it is that we don\u2019t want it enough! We want a piece of it here and there, a little nibble of God\u2019s gift, turned toward selfish and fleeting desires. What our culture offers when it comes to sex is the equivalent of mud pies. The various distortions of God\u2019s design for our bodies can never deliver what they promise, because they contradict the design built into us as image-bearers. God\u2019s rules for sexual purity may sound like a denial of pleasure, expression, self-fulfillment, happiness, freedom, companionship, or even romance. In reality, those \u201cnos\u201d exist to protect a \u201cyes\u201d so glorious, this present age can\u2019t fully contain it. If you choose to live in faith and according to God\u2019s rules, you will find it. And when those without faith ask (perhaps on a long flight) what you\u2019re against, you can tell them instead what you\u2019re for, and what they<\/em> were made for.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        End Notes<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
          \n
        1. 95.5 percent of teenagers still expect to marry, National Center for Family & Marriage Research analysis of NSFG 2017-2019: https:\/\/mastresearchcenter. org\/mast-center-research\/teens-self-reported-expectations-and-intentionsfor-marriage-cohabitation-and-childbearing\/<\/li>\n\n\n\n
        2. \u201cMarriage and Cohabitation in the U.S.,\u201d Pew Research<\/em>, November 6, 2019: https:\/\/www.pewresearch.org\/social-trends\/2019\/11\/06\/marriageand-cohabitation-in-the-u-s\/<\/li>\n\n\n\n
        3. \u201cPerspective: Cohabitation doesn\u2019t help your odds of marital success,\u201d Brad Wilcox and Alysse ElHage, Deseret News<\/em>, April 26, 2023: https:\/\/ www.deseret.com\/2023\/4\/26\/23697625\/cohabitation-happy-marriageliving-together-taylor-swift?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=dnsocial&utm_campaign=twitter&utm_content=deseretnews<\/li>\n\n\n\n
        4. \u201cThe Myth of Sexual Experience,\u201d Jason S. Carroll and Brian J. Willoughby, Institute for Family Studies<\/em>, April 18, 2023: https:\/\/ifstudies.org\/blog\/themyth-of-sexual-experience- 5. <\/li>\n\n\n\n
        5. Ibid<\/li>\n\n\n\n
        6. \u201cFewer Sex Partners Means a Happier Marriage,\u201d Olga Khazan, The Atlantic<\/em>, October 22, 2018: https:\/\/www.theatlantic.com\/health\/archive\/2018\/10\/ sexual-partners-and-marital-happiness\/573493\/<\/li>\n\n\n\n
        7. \u201cThe share of Americans not having sex has reached a record high,\u201d Christopher Ingraham, The Washington Post<\/em>, March 29, 2019: https:\/\/ www.washingtonpost.com\/business\/2019\/03\/29\/share-americans-nothaving-sex-has-reached-record-high\/<\/li>\n\n\n\n
        8. \u201cMarried People Have More Sex,\u201d Nathan Yau, Flowing Data<\/em>, March 7, 2017: https:\/\/flowingdata.com\/2017\/07\/03\/married-people-sex\/<\/li>\n\n\n\n
        9. Confessions<\/em>, Augustine of Hippo, book 7, chapter 12, paragraph 18<\/li>\n\n\n\n
        10. Mere Christianity<\/em>, C. S. Lewis, Chapter 2: The Invasion, pg. 28: https:\/\/ www.dacc.edu\/assets\/pdfs\/PCM\/merechristianitylewis.pdf<\/li>\n\n\n\n
        11. Mere Christianity<\/em>, C. S. Lewis, Chapter 3: The Shocking Alternate, pg. 30: https:\/\/www.dacc.edu\/assets\/pdfs\/PCM\/merechristianitylewis.pdf<\/li>\n\n\n\n
        12. \u201cPioneer Plaque,\u201d Solar System Exploration, February 13, 2018: https:\/\/solarsystem.nasa.gov\/resources\/706\/pioneer-plaque\/<\/li>\n\n\n\n
        13. Summa Theologiae<\/em>, Thomas Aquinas, first part, question 29. The divine persons, article 4, reply to objection 2: https:\/\/www.newadvent.org\/ summa\/1029.htm<\/li>\n\n\n\n
        14. The Genesis of Gender<\/em>, Abigail Favali, 2022 Ignatius Press, 143.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
        15. Beautiful Union<\/em>, Joshua Butler, Multnomah Books, 2023 pg. 21<\/li>\n\n\n\n
        16. Beautiful Union<\/em>, Joshua Butler, Multnomah Books, 2023 pg. 31<\/li>\n\n\n\n
        17. Beautiful Union<\/em>, Joshua Butler, Multnomah Books, 2023 pg. 4<\/li>\n\n\n\n
        18. I Kissed Dating Goodbye<\/em>, Joshua Harris, Multnomah Books, 1997, pg. 13<\/li>\n\n\n\n
        19. \u201cThe First Sexual Revolution: The Triumph of Christian Morality in the Roman Empire,\u201d Kevin DeYoung, The Gospel Coalition<\/em>, September 9, 2019: https:\/\/www.thegospelcoalition.org\/blogs\/kevin-deyoung\/firstsexual-revolution-triumph-christian-morality-roman-empire\/<\/li>\n\n\n\n
        20. \u201cWe Are Repaganizing,\u201d Louise Perry, First Things<\/em>, October 2023: https:\/\/ www.firstthings.com\/article\/2023\/10\/we-are-repaganizing?fbclid=IwAR0 0JGZUPxs3VrIfpTOED_3n1FMOtD9sBwCPNWLk4mrnLB0iB-U1Hd4hUBE<\/li>\n\n\n\n
        21. \u201cThe Case for Kids,\u201d Kevin DeYoung, First Things<\/em>, November 2022: https:\/\/ www.firstthings.com\/article\/2022\/11\/the-case-for-kids<\/li>\n\n\n\n
        22. The Weight of Glory<\/em>, C. S. Lewis, pg. 1: https:\/\/www.wheelersburg.net\/ Downloads\/Lewis%20Glory.pdf<\/li>\n\n\n\n
        23. The Weight of Glory<\/em>, C. S. Lewis, pg. 1: https:\/\/www.wheelersburg.net\/ Downloads\/Lewis%20Glory.pdf<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

          About the Author<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

          SHANE MORRIS<\/strong> is a senior writer at the Colson Center and host of the Upstream podcast,
          as well as cohost of the BreakPoint podcast. He has been a voice of the Colson Center since 2010 as
          coauthor of hundreds of BreakPoint commentaries on Christian worldview, culture, and current events.
          He has also written for WORLD, The Gospel Coalition, The Federalist, The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, and Summit Ministries. He and his wife, Gabriela, live with their four children in Lakeland, Florida.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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