#100 Leaving a Church Well: Parting Without Pain

#98 Avoiding Isolation: Community as a Lifeline

#92 Teamword God’s Way: Collaboration Without Chaos

#89 Hospitality Made Holy: Opening Your Home

#82 Caring For Aging Parents: Honor in Hard Seasons

#81 Avoiding Revenge: Letting God Handle Justice

#80 Starting Over: Rebuilding Life After Ruin

#79 Dealing with Divorce: Healing and Hope After Hearthbreak

#76 Preparing for Marriage: Foundations That Last

#75 You are not alone – Finding Community in Christ and His People

Part 1: The What and Why of Loneliness

Loneliness can be hard to identify and address. This is because its causes and effects are different for each person. I know that if I touch a poison ivy plant, by the next day, I will have itchy, red bumps all over the affected area. However, if I start to feel lonely, I may not immediately know the cause, and how and when those feelings arise may not always be the same. And so, I think it is important that we not have a simplistic view of loneliness and the ways it impacts people’s lives. Even when loneliness becomes confusing or unpredictable, it is deeply reassuring to remember that you are not alone, and that God walks through every emotional valley with His children.

Now, before we look at how we should address loneliness, it would be helpful to define what loneliness is.

What is Loneliness?

Loneliness often includes a mix of several emotional experiences, even if all of them are not always present at the same time. It is entirely possible for a person to be hundreds of miles away from the next closest soul, and yet not feel the slightest bit lonely. Similarly, it is also possible for someone to be surrounded by dozens of other people at a party or event and yet feel profoundly alone. This is often where the fear of being alone becomes more emotional than physical, reminding us that loneliness is not solved by crowds but by meaningful connection.

Therefore, it is best to understand loneliness as an inner feeling of being forsaken, forgotten, or friendless. In those moments, it is spiritually comforting to remember that in Christ you are not alone, and even when others cannot be present, God promises that you won’t be alone now or in the future.

While not all three of these ingredients are always necessary, they often appear together when loneliness settles into a person’s life. Those who are lonely often feel like others have forgotten them, that they have no friends, and ultimately, that they are entirely forsaken and abandoned. In such moments, it is comforting to remember that in Christ you are not alone, even when your emotions say otherwise.

Second, we also want to understand that loneliness isn’t a static, unchanging condition. It doesn’t impact every person the exact same way. Instead, loneliness is more of a spectrum. Loneliness is not a standard feeling that is always accompanied by the same symptoms in each person. Sometimes the fear of being alone makes loneliness feel heavier than it really is, because our thoughts tell us that the feeling will last forever.

While one lonely person may stay alone all day in their bedroom with their curtains closed, scrolling on social media, another lonely person may get up, go to work, and to the outside observer, seem just like everyone else. This is why it is important to remind yourself that you won’t be alone, even if your daily life looks very different from someone else’s.

But even more than understanding what loneliness is and how it manifests itself in different people, we must dig a little deeper to discover why so many people struggle with loneliness when the world has approximately 8 billion people living on it. Regardless of how loneliness shows up, believers can draw comfort from the truth that you are not alone, because God remains present even when relationships feel distant.

Why are People Lonely?

Like every other issue that we face in this life, the ultimate reason is sin. In Genesis 3, when Adam listened to the voice of the Serpent instead of God, humanity was forever plunged into sin and death. As a result, every person is separated from friendship and fellowship with God because every person sins.

Loneliness would not exist if sin had not entered the world. And so, from the outset of this guide, we want to attribute loneliness ultimately to the fall of man into sin.

Instead of living in perfect harmony with God and each other, we are now each born into a world where (because of our sin nature) we have disordered affections and therefore have disunity in our relationships. And just one effect of this post-fall reality is, of course, loneliness.

We do not (and cannot) naturally relate rightly to God, nor can we relate rightly to each other. Instead of walking in close friendship with others, showing kindness, love, and encouragement, our sin produces feelings of envy, pride, and self-centeredness. We look first to our own interests, rather than the interests of others (Phil 2:3-4). Like Adam and Eve after they sinned, we feel shame and guilt, and so we hide. We pull away from close relationships and we build up walls to show only the parts of our lives we wish others to see. These patterns often deepen the fear of being alone, convincing us that isolation is safer than vulnerability.

Now it is important to clarify that while all loneliness is ultimately the result of sin, not every occasion of feeling lonely is brought about by your own sin. Sometimes we feel lonely because we live in a world marred by sin. Sometimes, loneliness is brought about by external circumstances that are outside of your control. Even then, God’s truth assures you that you are not alone, and that you won’t be alone in facing these circumstances, no matter how unpredictable life may feel.

—

Reflection Questions:

  1. How does this guide define loneliness? Is this different from your previous understanding? If yes, how so?
  2. When people experience feelings of loneliness, what are some of the various ways in which they respond?
  3. Ultimately, why do you think people struggle with loneliness?
  4. What aspects of our modern culture may contribute to the rise in feelings of loneliness, especially among the younger generations?

—

Part 2: Loneliness in the Bible

As with all things in life, Scripture should serve as our ultimate source of truth. While we may be tempted to look for help from our favorite podcast, mid-day talk show panel, or social media trend, the Bible should always be our first and final authority. We must believe the words of David:

The law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul; the testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple; the precepts of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes; the fear of the LORD is clean, enduring forever; the rules of the LORD are true, and righteous altogether.

Psalm 19:7-9

With such a high view of Scripture now before us, we simply ask: What does the Bible say about loneliness? Is it a common theme? Does it often plague God’s people? And how do the people of God respond when they find themselves in seasons of loneliness?

Many believers turn to bible verses about loneliness for comfort-such as Psalm 25:16, where David prays, “Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.” Verses like this remind us that God hears those who feel alone.

To answer this question, we will take a quick survey of Scripture, looking at loneliness in the Garden of Eden, in the writings of the psalmists, and in the lives of the prophets and beyond. What we will see is that loneliness has at least three causes. Of course, this list is not meant to be exhaustive. And yet, it does provide a summary understanding of how the Bible treats loneliness. Here are three causes of loneliness in Scripture:

– In the Garden, loneliness is brought about by sin and shame
– In the Psalms, loneliness is brought about by external circumstances
– In the Prophets and beyond, loneliness is brought about by living for the Lord

In the Garden

One of the most curious statements in the first two chapters of the Bible comes in Genesis 2:18. After God creates the sun, moon, stars, seas, plants, and animals by the power of His word, God sees that it was good. And, after God creates man, the pinnacle of His work, God sees that it was very good, which is why God’s remark in Genesis 2:18 is so surprising. In contrast to the constant refrain of “it was good,” God says, in verse 18, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a helper fit for him.”

This passage functions as one of the earliest loneliness verses in the Bible, and it clearly teaches that God does not intend His image bearers to live isolated lives. Even before the fall, God’s design made provision for human companionship.

Before sin has even entered the world, God notes that something is not quite right about his very good creation. The man, whom God had created in his very own image, was alone. Even after parading all of the birds and animals before the man to name, Adam was still alone. No animal could serve as a suitable helper for him. And so, God creates from Adam’s own flesh the first woman, Eve. The Lord then gives this woman to Adam in marriage to be his helper as he exercises dominion over God’s creation. Verses like Genesis 2:18 are a reminder for believers today that God sees our loneliness and provides what we need-we are not meant to carry isolation forever.

We want to observe that God made man for relationship. Just as the triune God has existed in perfect, eternal fellowship with himself in the persons of the Father, Son, and Spirit, so God created man to be in perfect fellowship with both himself and others. We weren’t meant to be alone. Even when you are lonely or feel spiritually isolated, Scripture consistently reminds you that you are not alone. And this is where Genesis 2 ends-mankind living in perfect friendship with God and each other. But oh, how quickly things change!

As we noted earlier, sin enters the world through the rebellion of Adam and Eve. They reject God’s Word, rebel against his rule, and ruin their relationship with him. They are expelled from the Garden, no longer able to walk closely with him in perfect intimacy. But in addition to this, another consequence of sin is the fracturing of fellowship between man and woman. Adam’s relationship with Eve is now tainted by sin, and so will it be for all their posterity. Since then, many have experienced loneliness in a relationship-even with those closest to them.

I want to highlight one implication of broken relationships that is particularly important for us to understand as we consider loneliness. In Genesis 2:25, we read, “and the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” However, after they fall into sin, Adam and Eve now recognize their nakedness, and they hide from God because of their shame. Shame can make you feel lonely in a relationship, even when another person is physically present. As we consider overcoming loneliness, we must confront the power that shame often holds over us and the way it isolates our hearts from God and from others. Even when loneliness settles into relational life, God reminds His people that you are not alone, and He calls you to restoration rather than hiding.

Just as Adam and Eve hid from God because of their shame, we also hide from God because of the shame created by our sin, and more than that, we often hide from others. We feel shame over past decisions or present habits, and so we pull away from others-even from those who really love us. We are afraid that people will reject us or correct us, and so we choose not to open our lives to them. While this is effective in the sense that we can temporarily avoid our sin and shame, what we don’t see is the toll this takes on our souls. Our hearts become hardened, our eyes become blind, our consciences become seared, and our love for others grows cold.

And sooner or later, we believe the lie that we truly are alone, even though you are not alone in the eyes of God. Hiding from others will always result in feelings of loneliness and loneliness and isolation. But in this case, the wound is self-inflicted. The loneliness we now face is not the result of some external circumstance, but instead the result of our own choices.

So, what do we learn about loneliness in the Garden?

Sure, our sin and shame could be a reason to pull back, isolate, and remain unknown and alone, but it doesn’t have to be that way. In grace and mercy, God acted to deal with the shame of Adam and Eve. Their attempt to cover their own nakedness by sewing together fig leaves was futile, so God sacrificed animals and covered them with skins. This act anticipates a greater act of grace and a greater covering of shame. A few thousand years later, God would again act in mercy and grace by sending His own Son, Jesus, to be a greater sacrifice. His death on the Cross covered the sin and the shame of God’s people, those who would turn to him in faith. And because of this forgiveness, we no longer need to hide our shame. We can be open and honest with others, because the blood of Jesus not only reconciles sinners to God, but also reconciles sinners to each other in God’s family, the Church (Ephesians 2:11–22), reminding us again that you are not alone, even when feelings of loneliness and isolation tempt us to believe otherwise.

In the Psalms

For generations, God’s people have looked to the Psalms to stir up hope, joy, and peace in times of fear, sadness, and doubt. Perhaps unlike any other portion of Scripture, the Psalms pull back the curtain and bring us into the inner workings of the hearts of God’s people as they wrestle with the various hardships and questions of life. For example:

– Why do the wicked prosper (Ps. 73)?
– Why are you cast down, O my soul (Ps. 42)?
– Why have You forsaken me (Ps. 22)?
– Where is Your steadfast love (Ps. 89)?

Questions like these are common refrains in the Psalms. The claim that God’s people should always be bubbly and chipper, never frowning or having a bad day, just isn’t true. It’s not at all the experience of God’s people as recorded in Scripture. While life with God is full of pleasure and joy, here below on earth, it is not without trial and tribulation. In these moments, Scripture quietly reassures the believer that you are not alone, even when sadness deepens.

Perhaps the novice Bible reader would be surprised to learn that King David, a man after God’s own heart, wrestled with sorrow and suffering all his life. You may also be surprised to learn that King David battled loneliness. For example, in Psalm 25:16, he writes, “Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.” Or elsewhere, in Psalm 13:1, “How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me?” Verses like these show how periods of sadness and loneliness were sometimes part of David’s life.

Even though David was the Lord’s anointed, the chosen king, this didn’t mean that David never experienced feelings of loneliness and depression. At many points in his life, David felt forgotten and forsaken, and not just by others, but by the LORD Himself. And while David certainly was not perfect and even sinned greatly at times (i.e., 1 Sam. 11), at other points, David’s loneliness stemmed from the outward circumstances in his life.

In fact, David spent much of his early life on the run, literally fleeing and hiding for his life. In 1 Samuel 17, David defeats Goliath, but in 1 Samuel 18, Saul begins to be jealous of the praise David receives from the people of Israel, and so he begins his quest to take David’s life. This starts an eight-year period where David is not even safe in his own country. Saul sends assassins to kill David, and at one point, David must live with the Philistines, but because he is afraid that they might want to kill him, he acts like an insane man to protect himself. Long story short, David is a fugitive on the run, is constantly trying to evade death, and is facing circumstance after circumstance in which he feels forgotten, forsaken, and being alone becomes part of his daily struggle.

So, what do we learn about loneliness from the Psalms, and from David’s life in particular?

Sometimes, the Lord allows hardships in our lives that are beyond our control, and this can leave us feeling lonely and even wrestling with loneliness and depression. David was not exempt from suffering and sometimes doubted God’s presence and faithfulness. David was unable to cultivate relationships with those whom he loved. He was unable to see his family and friends. What about you? Well, the Lord may call you to move to another city, and as a result, you may lose close friendships. God may allow the death of a loved one – a spouse, parent, child, or friend. Or maybe the Lord brings about a debilitating disease in which you must isolate from others, or which physically prevents you from getting out. What then? You must understand that not all loneliness is the result of your personal sin. Sometimes the circumstances are beyond your control, but even then, you must remember that you are not alone, because the Lord never forsakes those whom he loves.

In the Prophets and Beyond

As we close out our sweep of Scripture, we want to be aware of a third cause of loneliness: faithfully following Christ. Sometimes, we can face loneliness simply because we live for the Lord. And this is something we see happening often in Scripture.

Take, for instance, the prophet Elijah. In 1 Kings 18, we have a great confrontation between the false prophets of Baal and Elijah, the true prophet of the LORD. After Elijah defeats them, thus showing Yahweh to be the true God over and above all idols, he is forced to flee into the wilderness because the wicked Queen Jezebel seeks his life.

After spending a whole day wading into the wilderness, Elijah lies down under a tree where he wishes for his own death. Eventually, after God miraculously brings him to Mt. Horeb, Elijah expresses his belief that he is the only true prophet of the LORD left. There are no others – he is alone! But this is not the case. God reveals to Elijah that He has kept for Himself 7000 others, who refused to bow the knee to Baal.

What’s important for us to see here is that faithfully following God does not always lead to earthly prosperity and ease. In fact, there will be times when, like Elijah, we feel alone. We feel like we have been forgotten and forsaken, and that we have no friends left.

Now, if you are thinking, “Well, that may be true for these mighty prophets of God who did these awesome deeds for the LORD, but that won’t be the case for Christians today, right?” – you may want to think again.

In the Gospels (Matt. 8 and Luke 9), Jesus expresses the reality that there is a cost to following Him. While animals and birds have homes, Jesus has no place to lay his head, and the implication is that there will be sacrifices made by those who follow him, as well. In addition, faithfully following Jesus will sometimes mean losing the closest relationships you have in life. In Matthew 10, Jesus states that he has not come to bring peace, but a sword. This does not mean that Jesus wants to start armed conflicts, but that following Him will sometimes be divisive. There will be times when one must choose between a relationship with Jesus and a relationship with a close family member. And when those times come, we are called to love Jesus more than anything else.

Furthermore, we see Paul sacrifice comfort, security, and relationships in his life. As he seeks to take the Gospel to the Gentiles, Paul gives up things that many of us hold so tightly. For the sake of the good news of Jesus, Paul is willing to endure being rejected by his own people and face many hardships that could have easily resulted in his death (2 Cor. 11:23-27). Paul openly states that he faced countless beatings and many imprisonments from his service to Christ. Furthermore, he is abandoned by his ministry partner, Demas, who leaves Paul out of love for the world (2 Tim. 4:10-11), and also abandoned by many as he ministered in Asia (1 Tim. 1:15).  

So, what do we learn about loneliness from the Prophets and Beyond?

Throughout the Bible, in both the Old and New Testaments, we see that faithfully following the Lord often comes at a great personal cost, and sometimes, the cost is loneliness. At times, your love for Jesus will mean losing close relationships or moving halfway across the world for the sake of the Gospel. Yet here we have a positive use of loneliness – loneliness does not have to drive us to despair; it drives us to Christ. As we give up the comforts of home and the friendships of this life for the sake of Jesus, he supplies us with so much more, both in this life and in the life to come (Mark 10:29-31).

—

Reflection Questions:

  1. Can you think of any other causes or instances of loneliness in the Bible?
  2. Why do you think it is important to understand the cause of loneliness in your life?
  3. Is there a character in the Bible that you seem to resonate with as they relate to loneliness?
  4. How does Scripture help you better understand your battle against loneliness?

—

Part 3: Diagnosing your loneliness

Now that we have defined loneliness and found it in the Bible, it’s time to turn the focus to examining your own life. Let’s recall our earlier definition: loneliness is an inner feeling of being forsaken, forgotten, and friendless.

The easy part is knowing when you feel these things. It’s probably not difficult for you to realize when you feel forsaken, forgotten, and friendless. Those are each strong and powerful feelings, and people generally know when they are facing them.

What is not always easy is diagnosing the cause of these feelings. Why do I feel as if God has completely abandoned and forsaken me? Is there a reason that everyone seems to have forgotten me? Why is it that I seem to have no true friends at all in my life? As you seek to diagnose the cause of loneliness in your life, here are three questions to ask and three keys to consider.  

Question #1 – Sinful, or Not Sinful?

I think the most helpful place to start in this process is by asking the question: Is your loneliness caused by your own personal sin, or by the general brokenness of a fallen world?

While this may seem like semantics, or you may be tempted to think that the cause really doesn’t matter, let me show why it is of vital importance.

Consider this illustration: in the medical field, diagnoses and treatments are given that aim to address not just the symptom, but the underlying cause. If I have a cough, I could simply keep taking cough drops to feel better and hope that my cough will eventually disappear. And most likely, after a few days, it will. However, if there is a serious, underlying issue in my lungs that is causing the cough, a few lemon-honey cough drops won’t heal me. Eventually, I will need to deal with the root cause of my cough. This is why a good doctor will run tests, take blood, and do whatever is necessary to ensure that he prescribes the proper treatment.

In the same way, as we think about treating our loneliness, we need to first understand why we are feeling lonely. It’s not good enough to just realize that we do feel lonely. And ultimately, our loneliness is brought about by sin – either our own fallenness or the general fallenness of broken creation.  

Question #2 – If Sinful, What is the Root?

Let’s say you conclude that your loneliness is caused by your own personal sin. The work is still not done. You need to drill down even deeper to identify the specific sinful root (or roots) that is causing your loneliness.

And to help with this, here are three areas you could focus on:

First, your actions: are there specific sinful actions, behaviors, or habits that are against God’s Word and will?

For example, are you secretly indulging in the consumption of pornography or other sexually illicit material? If so, this could very well be the underlying cause of your feelings of loneliness. Instead of finding pleasure and fulfillment in God-honoring, appropriate human relationships, you are substituting them for a cheap imitation. Rather than having intimacy with your spouse, you are seeking it with a screen. And as this continues, you withdraw more and more from genuine human interaction and love, pursuing those things with empty replacements.

Second, your beliefs: are there certain things you believe about God, yourself, or the world that are not true?

Here is a possible example. If you believe that your physical appearance is the most important thing about you, then how you look will dictate everything about your life. If you are not content with your weight, height, or hair, then you will not want to be around many people until you feel like your appearance is where it needs to be. Or perhaps this belief will lead you on a quest to have the perfect Instagram account, where every picture you post is exactly how you want it. After a while, this becomes an obsession, and you find yourself spending hours a day not only making sure you look good, but also comparing yourself to others. And before you know it, you are regularly spending 8 to 10 hours a day scrolling on your phone. You’re not eating well, you’re not sleeping well, and you are never exercising or even going outside. Well, eventually, it should come as no surprise that you start to feel lonely. And the reason is not ultimately your social media habits and screen time (although those do play a role), but your wrong belief that how you look is the most important thing about you.

Third, your desires: are there certain things that you desire that are out of alignment with the will of God?

It is quite possible that feelings of loneliness are caused by a sinful desire that has taken your heart captive. For example, maybe above all other things, you desire to achieve your peers’ approval. Now this desire could be anything – the best GPA in your class, the most points on your team, or the highest sales quota at work. Whatever it may be, what happens when you fail? What happens when you don’t achieve the thing you were after? Well, if your life revolved around this, you would be crushed, you would be angry, and you most likely would be embarrassed or ashamed. And if those emotions carry on, odds are you will pull back from the relationships in your life because you don’t want to face up to the success of another or own your own failure. Before you know it, you are alone, isolated, and you feel like you have no one. The ultimate cause was your desire for praise.

Question 3 – If Not Sinful, What is the Cause?

On the other hand, let’s say your own sin does not cause your loneliness. As far as you know, you are walking rightly before the Lord. Great! But still, the work is not done. You need to identify and understand the source of your loneliness.

I never met my maternal grandfather. He died before the age of 50 when my mom was still in college. He was a pastor in the Washington D.C. area and was killed in a car crash on the way home from a pastoral care visit.

My grandmother has never remarried. She has now spent more years as a widow than as a married woman. During these now 30-plus years since her husband passed away, she has struggled with loneliness. She misses him dearly and mourns the time that she will never spend with her husband and the time her children will never spend with their father. In many ways, she has wrestled with the kind of sorrow we sometimes see in loneliness in marriage after the loss of a spouse, reminding us that even after deep grief, you are not alone in your experiences-Scripture and the church testify to this.

The ultimate cause of my grandmother’s loneliness was not her own personal sin. Her loneliness was brought about simply by living in a fallen world under the curse of sin-a world in which death is very real and often untimely.

I’m sure you could name countless other causes of loneliness that do not directly result from your own sinful actions, beliefs, and desires. Here are just a few possible circumstances that could lead someone to experience loneliness:

– A debilitating disease in which human interaction is limited or eliminated entirely
– The loss of a loved one – a parent, children, spouse, or close friend
– Being forced to move to another state for work
– Parents are becoming empty nesters for the first time, as their kids go off to college, get married, and begin careers far away
– Getting fired from a job or cut from a team on which were all your meaningful relationships

We could go on and on with circumstance after circumstance that are beyond your control, yet bring about feelings of loneliness in your life. But the point is that not all loneliness is directly brought about by your own sin. There are things that happen in life, that happen in God’s good providence, that may leave you feeling forsaken, forgotten, and friendless. A lonely wife, a grieving parent, or someone isolated by illness must remember: even when relationships are strained or absent, you are not alone in the eyes of God.

In addition to those three questions, here are three essential keys to keep in mind during this process of diagnosing your own loneliness.

Key #1 – Don’t Neglect Scripture and Prayer

One of the biggest dangers in self-examination and in attempting to diagnose the sinful yearnings of our own hearts is, well, our hearts! Jeremiah describes the heart this way: “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” (Jer. 17:9). This is not exactly a glowing review. The prophet understands that it is a delicate endeavor to attempt to understand the inner workings and desires of our hearts because they cannot be trusted. Our hearts deceive us!

So, if your heart is so sick and deceitful to the point of not being able to understand it, is self-examination not then an exercise in futility? The answer would be yes, if not for the Word of God. Scripture is the best tool you have at your disposal to help you examine and diagnose what is going on inside.

For the Word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

Hebrews 4:12

Praise God that he has graciously given you his Word, which the Spirit uses as a sword to cut deep and reveal your true intentions, and as a mirror, to help you see the things that you would otherwise be blind to (Jas. 1:23-25).

And as you use Scripture, be sure not to neglect prayer. You must plead with God to shine the light of Scripture into the dark corners of your soul, and bring his truth to bear on your life. You must pray that God would reveal to you any hidden sins, any impure motives that would blind you from seeing the truth.

Key #2 – Involve Your Pastors and Other Christians

Far too often, we attempt to live our spiritual lives solo. But God has not saved us onto an island but into a family – the church! And so as we seek to diagnose the underlying causes of loneliness in our lives – whether they be sinful or not – we would be foolish not to enlist the help of our pastors and other brothers and sisters in Christ.

One of the most neglected means of God’s grace in the lives of many Christians is their local church. It is here where you should actually be known the best, and where God has ordained for your spiritual growth to take place alongside others. The local church has the language and framework to help you understand who you are and what you need. Furthermore, it is among these people that God has ordained for your growth and maturity to take place (Eph. 4:11-16). Don’t neglect the wisdom of other believers who love you and pastors who are called to care for you (Heb. 13:17).  

Key #3 – Prepare for Rough Edges to be Revealed

In Luke 14, Jesus addresses the large crowds who have been following him, and surprisingly, doesn’t give a long speech that tickles ears so that they stay, but rather, gives a strong warning which may cause many to leave. In verse 28, Jesus gives the analogy of a builder who plans to construct a tower. Before the actual construction begins, it would be wise for the builder to sit down and ensure that he has all that he needs to complete the project. Otherwise, he would look very foolish if he built half of the tower, but then ran out of materials. 

Similarly, Jesus urges the crowds to first count the cost before deciding to follow him. To follow Jesus, one must be willing to deny oneself and give up everything for the sake of Christ. While following him will be joyful, it won’t be easy – there will be significant personal sacrifice.

As you sit down to evaluate your own heart, be aware that God may reveal things you would rather not see. Through the Spirit, the Lord will show you blind spots and rough edges, areas of sin and weakness that you may not have even known existed! To avoid a total shock, you must prepare beforehand and commit to facing those things with humility. You must count the cost and understand that sanctification does not come without sacrifice.

—

Reflection Questions:

  1. What are you afraid of most in diagnosing your own loneliness?
  2. Who are a few people that you could ask to help you in this process? Write down 2-3, and then go and ask them to help.
  3. Do you regularly spend time reading Scripture and praying? If not, ask your pastor to help you develop a plan to regularly spend time with God.

—

Part 4: Overcoming Loneliness Through Union with Christ

We have finally reached the final two parts that you have been waiting for. We have defined loneliness, examined its causes, and traced it throughout Scripture, providing some questions and keys to help you diagnose the source of loneliness in your own life. In the next two parts, this guide will show you how to overcome your loneliness through Jesus and His People, Christ and His Church. Let’s first look at how being united to Christ changes everything.

What is Union with Christ?

The apostle Paul describes a believer’s relationship to Christ in many ways, but perhaps his favorite is simply the phrase “in Christ.” While this may sound simple, nothing better captures the essence of what it means for a person to be a Christian.

When God calls a person to himself, they are forever united to Jesus. They are no longer dead in their sins, but alive in Christ. They are born again. Formally, they were dead in sin under Adam, but now they have justification and life through Christ (Rom. 5:12-21). Simply put, when a sinner repents from their sin and believes in Jesus, they are united to Jesus forever.

While that is amazing news, you may still wonder – how does this help me in my fight against loneliness? Great question! Here are three ways that correspond to our three-part definition of loneliness.

In Christ You are Never Forsaken

One of the strongest ways loneliness expresses itself is through the feeling of being forsaken – feeling like everyone, including God, has totally abandoned you. While I cannot promise you that you will never be abandoned by others, I can promise you that if you are in Christ, God has promised never to forsake you.

In the Old Testament, God promised that he would never abandon his people. Ultimately, these promises find their fulfillment in Christ. God did abandon Jesus’s soul to the grave (Acts 2:27; Ps. 16:10) but raised him from the dead in power. Paul also reminds the Corinthians that all the promises of God find their “yes” and “amen” in Christ (2 Cor. 1:20). Specifically, Hebrews 13:5-6 applies the promise that God will not forsake his people to Christians in the New Covenant.

When you are feeling lonely and feel like you are completely forsaken, remember God’s promise! He did not ultimately forsake his Son to the grave, and neither does he forsake us. God will never leave you, never abandon you, and will walk faithfully with you all the days of your lives. In Christ, you are never truly alone.

In Christ, You are Never Forgotten

Another powerful way in which loneliness affects many people is through the feeling of being entirely forgotten. As a young child, my greatest fear was that my parents would forget me. I was afraid they would lose me in a grocery store, I was afraid they would leave me at home when they went out, and most of all, I was deathly afraid that they would not pick me up from school. Now this last fear was completely irrational (my mom was a teacher at the very school I attended), yet during my younger elementary school years, it was a regular problem. I vividly remember a day in the third grade when I was crying my eyes out because I was sure that no one was coming to get me.

As we stood around in the classroom waiting for the day to end, an older student dropped off a note from my mom. And in that note, my mom wrote down a few lyrics from a TobyMac song that I loved, which said this: “Just turn around, and I’ll be there, I’m moving into your atmosphere.” Looking back, a couple of things come to mind. First, I have not listened to TobyMac in years! Second, that note meant the world to me. My mom was not physically present, but her words gave me the peace and assurance I needed, knowing she would come get me when the day was over. I was her son – how could she ever forget?

The same is true of every believer. Through faith, we are all adopted by God as sons and daughters. And as your perfect heavenly Father, his steadfast love for you will never fail, and you will surely never be forgotten, not because you are so inherently lovable, but because you are loved in the Beloved.

In Christ, You are Never Friendless

One of the worst aspects of struggling with loneliness is the feeling that you have no friends in the world. And to some degree, all people have experienced this. Perhaps you recall what it’s like to play alone at recess as a child. Maybe you have experienced the crushing emotion of your only friend stabbing you in the back. Or perhaps you know the gut-wrenching feeling when everyone at work gets together to hang out, while you are not invited. Whatever the circumstance is, feeling like you have no friends is devastating.

A favorite hymn for many is Joseph Scriven’s What A Friend We Have In Jesus. This hymn is not just a feel-good song that says nice things. While Christ is indeed our Savior, Lord, and King, he is also our Friend. And this is one of the sweetest realities of the Gospel. In John 15:15, Jesus tells His disciples that He no longer calls them servants, but friends. This is not to say that they are no longer in his service or are now exempt from obeying his will. No, this statement is about relationship. Those who love Jesus and are loved by Jesus are his friends.

And Jesus is unlike any other friend we have ever had. He is the friend who sticks closer than a brother, and a friend who will never let us down. He will never betray us, speak ill of us, nor exchange us if someone better comes along. No, and even when we are faithless toward him, he remains faithful toward us. He opens up his heart toward us and will remain an ever-present Shepherd in the darkest moments of our lives.

—

Reflection Questions:

  1. What does it mean to be united to Christ?
  2. Have you ever thought of Jesus as your friend before? If not, what comes to mind when you do?
  3. Do you really believe that God will never leave you or forsake you?

—

Part 5: Overcoming Loneliness through Community with God’s People

It should come as no surprise that in our modern, individualistic culture, we often ignore and neglect the importance of community with others. Instead of hanging out with friends, we text. Instead of playing basketball, we watch highlights on YouTube. Instead of traveling to a dream destination, we view photos of others who have ventured there. Unfortunately, this problem is not just a concern for non-Christians, but also for believers.

Instead of going to church, we watch online. Instead of asking our pastors questions about the Bible, we use ChatGPT. And instead of handling a conflict in person with our brother or sister, we post about them on Facebook.

By and large, many Christians have lost sight of the blessing of not only being united to Christ, but also united to his body, the Church. Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 12 that through the Spirit we were all baptized into one body and are members of one another. We need other believers, and other believers need us. And while it is true that all Christians everywhere and from all time are united in Christ, this reality is expressed in local congregations where we can love, pray for, and encourage one another in person. In truth, I believe that the greatest tool you have in overcoming your loneliness is simply belonging to a healthy church. Below, I will give three ways the local church will help you how to combat loneliness in your life and remind you that you are not alone.

What is a Healthy Church?

Before listing out those benefits, let me give a quick plug for finding a healthy church. I could tell you all kinds of ways a good church can help you, but if you are not in a good church and don’t know what to look for, well, then those things won’t be of much help.

First, find a church that simply preaches the Bible. In the age of the internet, television, and smartphones, we hear enough from the world. We don’t need more of what man has to offer – we need to hear from God, and God has spoken to us in Scripture. And so find a church in which God’s Word is held high, treasured, and central to everything in the life of that church. Look for the Bible to be read, preached, prayed, and sung. Studying loneliness in the Bible can be deeply comforting because Scripture assures us again and again that you are not alone, even when your emotions tell you otherwise.

Second, find a church with a high view of God. Far too common today are churches that are man-centered. But you don’t need a God who only exists to meet your needs, give you what you want, and fulfil all your wildest dreams. You need a God who is exalted as holy, righteous, powerful, good, and sovereign.

Third, find a church that truly cares about membership. The church is not a social club, a movie theatre, or some sort of spiritual vending machine. It’s not there to give us what we want. The church is a group of saved sinners who have committed to gather to hear God’s Word preached, observe Baptism and the Lord’s Supper, and to exercise loving care over each other’s souls. Beware churches where you can belong before you believe, or walk in and out without anybody knowing who you are.

Outward, Not Inward

Loneliness has a funny way of making someone turn inward. Even though the lonely person often realizes that they need others, they tend to keep to themselves and become increasingly isolated. Before long, their loneliness is self-perpetuating. They focus entirely on the fact that they are alone. And the more they focus on this reality, the more they pull away from others. If you are asking what to do when lonely, this is often the first place to look: are you isolating more than you realize?

The beauty of the local church is that it has a funny way of making us turn outward. To be in covenant with other believers means to be committed to loving them, serving them, encouraging them, correcting them, and working for the advancement of the Gospel alongside them. In fact, it is impossible to be a good church member and not be in purposeful relationship with others.

And so, if you are struggling with loneliness, lean into your local church! Serve wherever you can. Help wherever you can. While you may feel like a burden, I can assure you, you will not be! Your pastors will love your commitment, and if your fellow church members are truly believers, then they will love to follow Jesus with you. And the more you give, the more you will receive. And I don’t at all mean this in a prosperity-Gospel sense, but in a biblical sense. You will be surprised by the close relationships and deep friendships that God will graciously provide as you love and serve your church family. In time, the Lord will use this community to remind you again and again that you are not alone, and that Scripture itself shows how to combat loneliness through fellowship, prayer, worship, and shared life with God’s people.

People, Not Programs

The world is great about providing us with programs. You can find a class, an event, or a process for anything and everything. While many of these things can be fun and exciting – think an aerobics class for senior citizens, a cooking class for young professionals, or a mid-week golf league for dads – none of these is God’s ultimate answer for finding community as Christians.

The Lord has chosen the local church for this purpose, and in it, we find not just programs to participate in, but people to love. While relationships grounded in common interests can be great, they don’t hold a candle to relationships grounded in a common Savior. When I left home in West Virginia to attend college in Ohio and play golf, I was immediately surrounded by a dozen other guys who were passionate about the game. And as someone who grew up at a small Christian school where we didn’t have a golf team, this was amazing! I finally found a group of guys who loved being on the course as much as I did, hated making bogeys as much as I did, and who rivaled me in my knowledge of Tiger Woods.

Yet as much as I had in common with those guys, unless they knew Christ, our relationship could only go so far. And while I am still close to many of those guys, the friendships that I cherish the most are with other Christians who may not share my passion for golf, but have the same Savior.

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you can never have close friendships in your church because the people there don’t share your same worldly interests. If they love Christ and cherish his Word, you have all you need for a friendship that will last a lifetime.

Singing, Not Silence

As I thought about the many benefits the church offers to those struggling with loneliness, numerous thoughts came to mind. But as I was talking to a close brother and fellow church member about the ways in which he finds the local church so encouraging, he said something that I would have never thought to include, but it was such a good answer.

He told me that one of the most encouraging things to him is hearing other brothers and sisters sing praises to God on the Lord’s Day. If loneliness often means a life of silence and solitude, what could be a better remedy than singing praises to your Savior while surrounded by other believers? To proclaim in song the steadfast love of the Lord, his amazing grace, and his awesome power. To revel in the blood of Jesus that redeems us, and cherish the faithfulness and mercy of God, which comes new to us each morning.

If you are battling against loneliness and often find yourself alone and isolated with your own thoughts, sing to the Lord! Sing alone, sing in the car, and above all, sing surrounded by others in your church. And by the way, this is our destiny. One day, we will be surrounded by people from every tribe, tongue, and nation, before the throne of God, and we will sing praises to Him forever and ever. Why not join in this song now?

—

Reflection Questions:

  1. What do you value most in a local church? Why?
  2. How can you practically pursue relationships with other believers in your church right now?
  3. Why is friendship with other Christians such an important part of our lives as believers?

—

Conclusion: Loneliness Lost

While your union with Christ and community with other Christians will go a long way in helping you overcome loneliness, this feeling of loneliness will never be fully eradicated in this life. You see, we were made to know and love our Creator, and to live in perfect fellowship with Him in a perfect creation. But that is not yet our reality. While the Kingdom has dawned in Christ, it has not yet been fully realized.

I truly pray that you will overcome your loneliness by the grace of God. But as you battle against it, perhaps you will realize that, disguised in this suffering, there could also be a blessing. Even if you are feeling lonely in a relationship or in seasons where friendships are distant, you can cling to God’s promise that you are not alone, and that He is near to the brokenhearted.

Scripture offers many bible verses about being alone, not to shame us for our weakness, but to remind us that loneliness will not last forever. These passages encourage us to hope in the Lord, knowing that every moment of isolation now prepares us to treasure perfect fellowship later.

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, ‘Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be their God.’

Revelation 21:1-3

About the Author

SAM ROMINE is the lead pastor at Redemption Church in Johnstown, OH, where he lives with his wife and their two children.

#74 Parenting Teens: Guiding Rebels with Love

#71 The Importance of Honesty: How to Speak the Truth with Grace

1 The Three Principles of Honesty

So where do we begin? We need to start with the question: What is honesty?

Let me give you a simple definition of honesty that we’ll unpack as we explore Ephesians 4:15 further.

Honesty is sharing the appropriate truth to love others and honor God.

There are three principles of honesty in Ephesians 4:15  that contribute to this definition.

  1. Honesty Honors God

Look again at the last part of our verse: “Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ.”

The source of the goodness, joy, and beauty of honesty is God himself. It’s in Christ that we see the most attractive, powerful, and loving depiction of honesty. It is in God that we see the perfect radiance of truth and the warmth of love in harmony with no competition.

God’s words are only true. They are only good. So, when we are honest, we reflect God’s honest character. Let me repeat that. To be honest is to reflect God’s character. It is to truly reflect him. Our honesty honors God. This is why honesty is important-not merely for social harmony, but because being truthful mirrors the very character of the One who saved us. In our pursuit of honesty, our first and final goal should be to glorify God.

Understanding the importance of honesty begins here: the stakes are nothing short of his glory, his name, and his reputation. We are created in his image. More than that, we are redeemed by Christ, his Son. So when we consider how to be truthful, we must remember that our words reflect him doubly-and our lies doubly tarnish his honor.

This is such a critical point that Jesus drives it home with some pretty strong language in John 8. The Pharisees are claiming that they are right with God because of their heritage. They’re Abraham’s children, so God must be pleased with them. Jesus will have none of it.

In fact, Jesus says they do have a heritage. But they aren’t children of God. He says, “You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him” (John 8:44).

Shocking words. Because of their lies and their hypocrisy, Jesus calls them children of the devil. Dishonesty is never neutral-it tells a story about what we believe, who we trust, and whose character we are imitating.

In complete contrast, our honesty honors God. It reflects his character, his attributes, and his person. This is the importance of honesty in the Christian life: our aim of honesty is the difference between glorifying the Lord and honoring the devil.

Is that how you think of your words? Do you see them as either reflecting the truth about God or lying about his character? Often, we give in to the temptation to twist the truth because we haven’t realized what’s at stake. We haven’t considered the weight of our words.

Take this moment to think about the last time you hid the truth when you should’ve spoken it; or a time when you overstated something to make a point; or when you used the truth as a tool for revenge to hurt someone who hurt you.

Why is honesty important here? Because each of those choices either reflects your Redeemer or misrepresents him.

Learning how to be truthful begins by feeling that weight, and seeing honesty as a way to honor the God whose image you bear.

Friend, we must begin with God’s glory. Our words are eternally significant. We will either honor God with our honesty or dishonor him without it.

One implication of this is that the journey of honesty with others begins by being honest with God. After all, we do not just honor God with our words, but with our thoughts as well. The importance of honesty starts in the heart, where honesty with God shapes honesty with people.

Jesus corrected the Pharisees, who on the outside appeared righteous. But they were sick on the inside. Their problem was not primarily their words, but their hearts. Jesus asked them, “How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks” (Matt. 12:34).

Friend, you may say all the right things, but if you are not first honest with God, it will do you no good. In fact, according to Jesus, you won’t be honest with others. Perhaps no one will catch you. No one had been able to catch the Pharisees in their word games. But God will see. And your dishonesty will dishonor him. We need to be made right on the inside first.

This is one reason why the importance of honesty in the Christian life includes our private, unseen honesty before God. Speaking truth outwardly begins with telling the truth inwardly-before the One who already knows everything.

Our highest aim in pursuing a life of honesty should be honoring God. But that is not the only principle of honesty. Not only is honesty glorifying to God, but it is also loving to others.

This comes straight from our verse. “Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ.” Loving others means being honest with them.

Our culture is saturated with definitions of “love.” Perhaps you’re familiar with the Hallmark version of love. Love is a warm and fuzzy feeling. In this version of love, it’s not loving to do anything that would cause someone else discomfort or pain, ruining the feeling of happiness and comfort.

Or maybe you’ve subtly bought into the slogan, “live and let live.” In this version of love, it’s not loving to point out flaws in other people, because love is letting others be themselves.

Or more likely, you’ve adopted the oldest version of love in the book, “love yourself.” This really is the original distortion of love. Back in the Garden of Eden, Satan told Adam and Eve that they should look out for themselves first and “be like God” (Gen. 3:5). Love is looking out for yourself, being yourself, and treating yourself.

Actually, all of these have the same root: They are self-focused. Jesus describes love not in relation to ourselves, but in relation to God. Listen to what he says: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Matt. 22:37–39).

When asked what the greatest commandment is, Jesus begins by pointing the Pharisees to the love of God. That is essential and first in all the law. It’s the first principle we’ve just considered.

But then notice what he does. He says a second is like it. Love of neighbor is not unrelated to love of God. It is intricately connected, flowing out of the love of God naturally and necessarily. True love of God will and must produce true love of neighbor.

Which is great news for our topic. It means that not only do our honest words glorify the God who created and redeemed us, but speaking them is the loving thing to do for our neighbors.

It’s easy to believe that what will really be good for the people in your life is to hedge the truth here or alter it slightly there. But that’s a lie. What will be best and produce the most flourishing in the lives of others is if you are completely honest.

Remember our verse. Honesty is not determined by us. It is first determined by what is honoring to God. It is next determined by love of others. We do not wield the truth for our own ends.

How would this change what you said and didn’t say? It might make you more direct and willing to say the hard thing because you know it will be good. Or it might make you more patient, leading you to wait to speak out of love for another.

I want to offer a word of caution at this point. It is very easy to make “love of others” a justification for all sorts of sin. If we define what is loving, we will define “love” according to what is easiest or most natural to us. As a result, we will sin against others and the Lord.

This is where Jesus’ words connecting love of God and love of neighbor are so critical. I’m not encouraging you to say whatever feels most natural, is most socially acceptable, or even everything that is technically true in a situation. Rather, I’m encouraging you that when you say what is right, it is also most loving. And when you say what is most loving, it is also right. This is the importance of honesty lived out in community-truth spoken from a Godward heart produces real love toward others.

In this, let me point you to what will be most helpful to you-your local church. The people who will be able to instruct you on where you are failing to love others with your use of the truth, and encourage you in where you are growing, will be your fellow church members. They are likely most aware of how you speak on a regular basis. They are most aware of how you sin on a regular basis. They are best able to open God’s Word with you and examine your speech in light of his truth.

After all, isn’t the church the context of our verse? Paul was instructing not just a friend of his, but the Ephesian church to “speak the truth in love” to one another. This community effort would produce good in all of them.

Which brings us to the last principle of honesty.

Your honest speech brings glory to God. It encourages, loves, and builds up those around you.

But perhaps most amazing of all in God’s good design of obedience to him, being honest will be good for you. The importance of honesty is not only theological-it is deeply personal. It will produce all sorts of growth in your life. Look at the result of honest speech in Ephesians 4:15: “Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ.”

Now certainly, this is referring to those we speak honestly to. Loving them will help them grow. But also consider that Paul is speaking in the plural, which means he includes the one who speaks honestly in this growth. As you speak honestly, it’s impossible not to be matured by it.

And this is no generic growth. Look who you are growing into! “Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ.”

Have you ever considered that perhaps some distance in your relationship with Christ could be due to your dishonesty? Not because God is keeping himself distant from you, but because you are keeping yourself from Him. Honesty in relationships-even our relationship with God-creates space for closeness, trust, and real transformation. Imagine what a closer friendship you might have with God by being honest.

I want to share a personal confession and encouragement. I have always had a hard time being honest. Not in ways that would be immediately obvious to anyone outside. But internally, out of fear of man and a desire to avoid rejection, I often refrain from speaking the truth when I should.

This has often impacted my evangelism. It has impacted my honesty with friends. It has impacted my discipling. All my relationships have been touched by my dishonesty. I might confess sin and share struggles, but I haven’t always been really honest. I haven’t always been willing to open up about what was truly embarrassing or challenging. And more than anything, this failure has impacted my relationship with the Lord. A lack of honesty in relationships often mirrors a lack of honesty with God.

Hebrews 4:15 says that in Christ, we have a high priest who is not “unable to sympathize with our weaknesses.” The problem for me has been that I’ve not always been honest about my own weaknesses. And so I deprived myself of his sympathy. The gospel was not as sweet, God’s grace not as deep, and his arms not opened as wide in my mind.

Until one day, a dear friend of mine who had observed this characteristic confronted me on it. My friend told me, directly, that I was dishonest. The problem was much deeper than just one big lie. It was a pattern of shading, hiding, and deflecting that prevented me from truly loving others and knowing God’s love for me.

I thank God for this friend because I wasn’t honoring the Lord in my speech. I wasn’t loving others like I should. And my growth was stunted. My roots weren’t really going deep into the darkness of my sin and the power of the cross. I was left stunted and shallow. That is, until this friend was loving enough to be honest with me, even though I hadn’t been with them. Moments like these remind us how honesty in relationships can reshape our hearts and renew our spiritual growth.

Wherever you are in your journey toward honesty, let me encourage you: It will be profoundly good for you. You will know much more of God’s grace in your life. Honesty with friends, honesty in relationships, and honesty with God all work together to produce a deeper, more Christlike maturity.

Let’s hit our definition one more time. What is honesty? Sharing the appropriate truth to love others and honor God.

So, we know where we’re going. But how do we get there? We see the purpose and principles of honesty, but how do we practice it? Below are seven helpful practices I’ve found in my pursuit of honesty.

Reflection Questions:

  1. What has your journey toward honesty looked like? Share successes and failures with your mentor.
  2. Why is speaking honestly so difficult at times?
  3. What is the relationship between honesty with God and honesty with neighbor?

2 The Seven Practices of Honesty

  1. Be Balanced (Don’t Be a Seesaw)

I never liked seesaws as a kid. In fact, in the name of this life skill guide, let me be honest: seesaws are a terrible piece of playground equipment. When you swing on a swing, you’re constantly flying through the air. When you slide down a slide, you’ve got an exhilarating ride all the way down. But when you get on the seesaw, you oscillate between flying in the air and slamming down to the ground. Up in the air! Crashing to the ground. It’s nauseating!

Before you think this booklet has started to go downhill, the point of all this is that sometimes we can pursue “honesty” like a seesaw. Our relationships range from one extreme to the other. Either we’re flattering sycophants, or we’re cutting critics. We describe ourselves as “honest” either way, telling the truth as it is. But really, we’re just giving one side of the story.

So, don’t be a seesaw.

Are there close relationships where you only ever compliment? This isn’t honest. The importance of honesty means acknowledging that we’re all sinners, all in need of correction and help. None of us stands perfect before the Lord on our own merit. Your failure to be honest could be doing a lot of spiritual damage. You may be allowing sin to live neglected in their lives. You may be depriving your encouragement of its power. After all, don’t you feel most built up by encouragement that comes from people you know aren’t flattering you? Dishonesty has a shriveling effect on our encouragement.

On the other hand, perhaps there are relationships where all you do is criticize? You have nothing good to say, no words of encouragement or help. If that’s all you’re saying, you’re missing the mark. After all, does God only have words of correction for you? When all we do is criticize, we’re dishonoring God in two ways. First, we’re disregarding the work of the Holy Spirit in our fellow Christian’s lives. God is at work in all believers, making them more like Him. If we never acknowledge this, we’re not honoring the power of his Spirit. Secondly, if all we do is correct, we’re not reflecting the character of God to those around us. God does speak hard words, but he also speaks healing words. As Christians, we are little Christs to other people, telling them something of God’s character. Honesty in relationships means reflecting God’s love, correction, and encouragement to others. What do your words say about him?

The good news about pursuing balance in our relationships is that we become more balanced ourselves. As we grow in encouraging others, we will also be able to receive encouragement from God’s Word and his people more easily. As we grow in helping others see their sin, we will also more humbly respond to correction.

Don’t be a seesaw. Practice balanced honesty.

Sometimes, our versions of “honesty” can be a bit like a parachute. We fly into people’s lives we don’t know, share truths they didn’t ask for, and then extract ourselves before anyone is the wiser.

When you think about what honesty is, you begin to realize what’s wrong with this. Yes, it has a semblance of “honesty” about it because we’re telling the truth, but this approach is not always honoring to God. We don’t reflect his character as one who is dependable and faithful. And it’s not loving to others. Loving someone means really understanding what they need. Loving someone means sticking with them long enough to help them change. Loving someone means patiently returning to the same truths over and over again.

Want to know something else? Parachute honesty isn’t helpful for your growth. Honesty with friends is hard. It’s easy to confess your sin once. It’s hard to do it again and again. When you do that, other people really begin to see you for the sinner you are. It’s easy to tell someone a “hard truth” once. It’s hard to consistently walk with someone in the fight against their sin.

One way to diagnose dishonesty in your life is to consider if you’re irregular in telling the truth. Are there things you’re happy to say once, but loathe to repeat? Are there relationships you drop in and out of?

Speaking the truth in love means speaking it regularly. This also means you’ll probably end up practicing point number one as well. After all, when we’re regularly involved in people’s lives, the balanced truth tends to come out. Initially, we saw an area of sin dominating our life, but through regular confession, our friends are able to point out much of God’s grace we couldn’t see before. At first, we wanted to encourage our fellow Christians in something they’ve done, but over time, we realized they also need to be reminded of God’s character amidst their suffering.

Regularity will produce all sorts of good in your life, so don’t be a parachute truth teller.

I grew up in Portland, OR. People say it rains all the time there, and honestly, I’m here to tell you it doesn’t rain that much. But it is cloudy a lot of the time. It’s not dark, not pouring rain, not snowing or sleeting. It’s just cloudy.

Whether or not you think that sounds nice, I think our efforts at honesty often fail because we’re a little like those clouds. There is no specificity to our conversation. When we confess sin, we do so generally, telling others that we’ve “failed again this week.” When we’re bothered by other people’s sin, we tell them they’re “proud,” “stubborn,” or “annoying.” Even in our encouragement, we’re generic. We tell someone we find them “encouraging” or “edifying.”

But what good is any of that? How are we to grow in holiness or help others fight their sin if we don’t know the specifics? How can anyone continue in the good work they’re doing, or thank God for the growth in their lives, if they’re simply told they’re “kind”?

Honesty in communication is specific. God is not generally “loving.” He is specifically loving in his creative work, his providential acts, his justice, and most centrally, his work on the cross. If in our evangelism, we simply said that God is “merciful” and “just,” how would anyone be saved? Both those things are technically true, but we need to tell people how God is specifically merciful in providing a Savior in the person of Christ. Similarly, God is specifically just in judging sins.

Are you specific in your encouragement and exhortations to others? Do you point out particular behaviors, patterns, or words in other people’s lives? When you share suffering, weakness, or sin in your own life, is it specific?

Not only is specificity more honest, but it is also how we grow. When you tell a friend how encouraging it was when they pointed you to a particular verse in your suffering, they are more motivated to study God’s Word and speak it to others. When they tell you that you tend to dominate conversations, making them all about yourself, you are able to grow.

Don’t be a cloud in other people’s lives. Don’t descend on them with vague confessions, corrections, or encouragements. Be specific. This will also force you to consider ways that God is particularly good in your life and the lives of others. It will drive you to consider the depths of your own sin, as you name it specifically. It will help you bear with brothers and sisters, as you realize that your specific issue is not their sin, but their weakness or personality quirks.

Strive to be more like the piercing rays of the sun, rather than a vague mist. Practice being specific.

I have a love-hate relationship with roller coasters. I love the exhilaration and adrenaline. At the same time, they can be terrifying, stomach-dropping experiences. I still remember dropping from the Tower of Terror in Disney World.

One “roller coaster” I feel indifferent towards, though, is the Ferris wheel. It’s not scary. It’s not fun. You just go around and around in circles.

Ferris wheels are typically found at fairgrounds and boardwalks. But in our words, we should be seriously worried about being like a Ferris wheel.

Have you ever needed to tell someone something, but you really didn’t want to? Maybe you’ve noticed sin in their lives, and you wanted to point it out. You have a confession to make, but you’re worried about how they’ll respond.

I think for most of us, we look like a Ferris wheel in those moments. We go around and around in circles, but we never really end up anywhere. We never really get to the point. At the end of the conversation, we are right where we started. Maybe the other person finally forces the point or has to guess what you’re trying to say.

I want you to realize that this is not honest behavior. Avoiding what you should say is dishonest, just like lying or altering the truth. Honesty with friends requires courage. It requires saying hard things. It requires bearing the costs of saying those things when others are angry or disappointed in you.

Avoiding saying something difficult feels good and loving, but it’s not. When you don’t take it upon yourself to address something directly, you place the burden on the other person to find out what you mean. If there’s something that needs to be said, take courage and say it. In fact, you might be surprised by what you find. People often feel respected and loved when you say something directly to them.

Bitterness breeds in silence. When we gossip to others, instead of speaking directly to someone, we are dishonest. Sin breeds in secrecy. When we avoid directly confessing our sin, unless someone asks us, we are dishonest.

I find that being direct is hardest with people whom I care deeply about or respect highly. I am worried that I’ll hurt someone I love if I directly share a concern I have. Or I worry that I’ll lose my mentor’s respect if I confess my sin honestly to them. What are the relationships you struggle to be direct in? What are the idols lurking beneath the surface that make it hard for you to be honest with them?

Get off the Ferris wheel. Be direct with others in your life. It will be good for you and for them.

I recently went to a real-life theater and watched a real-life play. I know. You never imagined I was so culturally refined.

In stark contrast to movies or TV, what I’d forgotten about a play is the power of the spotlight. One beam of light on a darkened stage can create a dramatic effect. The actor alone is visible. Everything around them is deep darkness, impenetrable black. You know, there is other stuff there, but the spotlight has a remarkable effect, rendering everything else almost invisible.

I wonder if sometimes your relationships feel a bit like this. Perhaps you highlight certain people in unfair ways. Maybe you even shine the spotlight on yourself sometimes. It might be entertaining on stage, but it’s not an honest thing to do in our lives.

For example, do you generally cast the spotlight on your own sin, or just other people’s? Do you ever cast the spotlight on someone else’s excellence, or do you only point out when you’ve done well? Or maybe you’re too humble to reflect on your own success, but there are some people you just really don’t like to encourage.

As we pursue honesty, we should do so with humility. Rather than turning on the spotlight, let’s turn the stage lights all the way up. We’re all standing on the same platform. All of us fail or succeed in different ways. But none of us is fundamentally unique from the rest.

We all struggle with sin. There is no one so respectable, so mature that they don’t fight sin on a regular basis. Don’t platform yourself or another as being above sin. It’s not honest. Be quick to confess your own sin, to reflect on your own failings. And when the people you respect fail or sin in clear ways, be willing to call it out. We lie about our need for mercy and God’s work on the cross when we minimize sin.

On the other hand, all Christians have the Spirit at work within us. There is no Christian, however immature or weak, that God is not working to sanctify. It might be hard to see, but it is there. It is dishonest to never encourage or comfort one another with this truth. Yes, there may be relationships in which you are predominantly correcting. But do not fail to point out all the good that God is doing as well! Encouragement might even be the means God uses to help them kill their sin.

This is part of why the local church is so good. If you’re a lone wolf Christian, you can fool yourself into believing that you are unique. Either you’re too messed up to be worthy of God’s grace, or you’re so mature, you hardly need it. When you are involved in the lives of other Christians, you quickly realize the lie behind each of these. You need grace, just like everyone else. And yet, you also have tremendous good to offer others. On your own, you deprive yourself of the ability to humbly walk with others. Their sin is a reminder to fight your own. Their godliness is an example for you to follow.

In honesty in marriage, this principle is incredibly important. It’s crucial that both spouses practice honesty and humility, making space to confess, encourage, and help each other grow. Spotlights are never fully honest. They always overemphasize one thing and diminish another. Practice humility as you pursue honesty in all your relationships, including marriage.

If you’ve ever watched a courtroom drama, a crime film, or a prison break movie, there’s always the dramatic scene before the Judge’s bench. The accused stands waiting to hear the verdict. The courtroom is in suspense. And then down slams the gavel. That sharp crack signals judgment rendered.

Sometimes our honesty can feel a bit like a courtroom. Except that we sit in the judge’s chair. We wear the robes of justice. We bring down the hammer of the gavel. Of course, we’d never say we’re absolutely right, always on the side of justice, or infallible in our opinion. But don’t we sometimes speak like that? When our excuses rise to the level of Scripture, when our critiques are delivered with the authority of God’s Word, when our understanding of the situation rings out with the finality of the Judge’s gavel, we’ve gone wrong. We aren’t being honest in the intensity and infallibility with which we speak.

Now, don’t mistake me for saying that it’s wrong to hold opinions, offer wise counsel, or give correction. This is a good and right thing to do. What I’m saying is that honesty will do so with a distinct measure of humility. Honesty will separate what is Biblical and what is personal. Wisdom still has a significant place. But it is a different place than God’s word.

In addition, honesty will speak as many Scriptural words as it can. If you are offering a correction, can you point your friend to a passage in the Bible that will speak to their sin? If you are confessing, can you use God’s Word to describe your offense? When we do this, we help others to submit themselves to what God has to say, rather than what we have to say.

As we do, we honor the Lord, love others, and help ourselves. God’s words are given their rightful place. Others are matured by being called to obey what God has commanded. We are humbled when we consider our own opinions of lesser value and stand before the same words that we offer to others.

Don’t sit down in the Judge’s chair, put on his robes, and hammer his gavel. Instead, hold out God’s words of correction and comfort to others. You can be far more honest, direct, and loving when you do so.

Which brings us to our final practical point in pursuit of honesty.

I ran cross country in high school. We had all kinds of different practice runs. Some were short sprints around the track, others were interval training days, and others still were long runs. But the consistent reality across each of these was the stopwatch. Whether it was a short 100-meter sprint or a 75-minute run, the stopwatch was always running.

I wonder if you’ve become a stopwatch in other people’s lives? Maybe you do everything else right. You’re humble in your posture, biblical in your words, direct in your approach, specific in your application, regular in others’ lives, and balanced in your honesty. You do everything right, except once you’ve spoken, the stopwatch starts ticking. You begin to count how long it will take for someone to change.

Friend, if we are to be God-honoring and loving in our honesty, we must not be a stopwatch. Instead, we must be patient and prayerful. Being honest with other people will necessitate a long road. Prayer must be our consistent practice all along that road.

If you’re trying to help someone grow, pray. If you are trying to fight sin in your own life, pray. If you are trying to see a discouraged saint be encouraged, pray. If you’re struggling to see growth in your own life, pray.

No matter where you are in your journey towards honesty, pray.

It is easy to forget what we discussed at first. Your aim is not simply to alter some practices in your life. It is to change your heart. The struggle of honesty is a struggle to honor God as we should. It’s a fight to love others like we’re called to. It’s the effort of personal growth. Honesty is heart work.

The only means of heart change is the Holy Spirit. So we must pray. God alone can do this work. So enlist his help. Call out to him as you struggle to be regular in people’s lives. Ask him for help as you struggle to be balanced in your feedback. Depend on him as you fight to be specific about your own sin.

Our efforts at honesty often fail not at the first attempt, but the second and third. We offer counsel fairly, once. We encourage the downcast well, once. We share our sin deeply, once. But it is the second, third, and fourth times where we begin to falter. Do I really have to share this again? Must we really go over this again?

In these moments, my encouragement to you is to pray. Pray that God would do what you cannot. Pray that God would intervene for the sake of his name and his people. It is what he loves to do. Your words, no matter how carefully crafted, cannot change hearts. But they can be the means God uses to do just that. So pray that He would.

We’ve considered the principles of honesty and the practice of honesty. Now we turn to the pursuit of honesty.

When you wake up tomorrow, where do you start? How do you begin these new practices? Here are three thoughts for the week ahead.

Reflection Questions:

  1. Which of these practical tips are hardest for you to employ and why?
  2. What do all these principles together indicate about honest speech?
  3. Who could you ask to evaluate your areas of weakness when it comes to honest speech? What do you anticipate they would say?

3 The Pursuit of Honesty

  1. Where Are You Weak?

There are simply too many aspects of honesty for you to bat a thousand right away. You can’t do it all in one day. No one gets out of bed one day and runs a marathon—at least not well. The key is to take the first step. Get out the door and run around the block. In the words of one preacher, a lot of us are stuck because we’re trying to start someplace that we’re not. We’ve got to start where we are.

So the question is, where are you? Which one of the three principles of honesty would you do well to meditate on more? Which one of the seven practices of honesty would be most helpful to you?

One way to think about this is: Where are you weak? Take this week to focus on that. Don’t try to put everything into place now. Just pick one thing to work on. If the issue is the motivations behind honesty, perhaps there is a particular passage in Scripture that would be good to meditate on this week. Every day in your quiet time, return to that passage.

Maybe you’ve identified that it is your lack of concern for God’s glory that drives your dishonesty. Spend some time in Revelation 4 & 5 this week, or in Jesus’ words to the Pharisees in John 8. Maybe it’s your lack of concern for others that leads to dishonest speech. Open up Galatians 6 or Ephesians 4 and meditate on your responsibility for other Christians.

Or it could be that you subtly believe yourself to be fully mature and have a hard time connecting your dishonesty to your immaturity. Open up Colossians 3:1-17 and reflect on your need to keep growing. Maybe you’re particularly weak in one of the practices of honesty. Maybe there’s a particular relationship in which you are obviously habitually dishonest. Seek to work on that this week.

We all need help following Jesus. You won’t be able to do this alone. Just as much as other people need your honesty, so you need friends and fellow Christians to be honest with you. There are two types of relationships that will be helpful to you.

First, find someone who can walk alongside you. This person can give you an outside perspective on your dishonesty. Where do they see it cropping up? What particular habits and patterns can they identify in your life?

The human body works precisely because it has different parts, and each part needs the other. It’s a good thing the whole body isn’t an eye, or an ear, or a hand. You might love your eyes, but you’re sure glad you’ve got hands when you need to pick up your mug of coffee in the morning! So the eyes can’t say to the hands “I have no need of you” (cf. 1 Cor. 12:21).

The same is true in your pursuit of honesty. If you want to grow, find an outside perspective. Look for someone who has different strengths than you do in this area. If you’re quick to hide the truth, find someone who is more direct.

Ask them to keep you accountable. Tell them when you normally struggle with honesty and what that looks like. Tell them which of the seven practices you’re particularly working on. The church is built for exactly this. Paul says in Galatians 6:3 that church members are to “bear one another’s burdens.” You need someone who will help you bear this burden.

Second, find someone whom you can model your honesty after. A brother or sister walking alongside you is essential to holding you accountable. But a brother or sister walking ahead is also essential to give you hope, perspective, and a picture of the path forward.

Again, this is why the church is so good. Not everyone at church looks exactly like you! Some are older, wiser, more mature, or more gifted than you. This is so good for your soul. Rather than a group of people who look, walk, and talk exactly like you —a group running at the same pace and struggling with the same things —there will be those who are an example, running ahead. Follow them! Pattern your life after them.

This is true of all spiritual realities, and so is true of our goal of honesty. Scripture is clear: speak the truth in love. Be honest. But life is less clear. There are many situations where it can be hard to know what honesty looks like.
This is why following an older, wiser saint is critical. They will know how to advise you. They will model honesty in situations you haven’t yet encountered. They will share stories of times when they have failed so that you can learn. They will encourage you, so that you don’t become discouraged in your growth.

If you’re having a hard time finding someone, talk to one of your pastors. Share your sin of dishonesty with them and ask for help. Whether they counsel you themselves or point you to another member of the church, this is a great place to start.

Ok, I said lastly, but here’s a bonus tip for the path forward: go back to Practice #7 and start there.

Pray.

Pray earnestly, pray consistently, pray scripturally, pray in community, pray honestly, pray specifically.

Pray about your sin of dishonesty. Pray for help, for hope, and for the Holy Spirit’s work in your life. You will not be able to grow through any work of your own. You won’t be able to will yourself to be more honest. You can perhaps effect some behavioral change, but you won’t be able to change your heart. For that, you need God to work in you. So pray that he would. Our God loves to answer that prayer.

Reflection Questions:

  1. Write out a plan for how you’re going to apply the truths and suggestions of this part of this guide.

4 The Promise of Honesty

How can we do this? The odds feel stacked against us. Being honest is so difficult. There are so many ways in which we’re tempted to misuse or distort the truth. We would prefer to love and honor ourselves rather than God and others.

The Power to Persevere

Take encouragement from the words of Paul. When considering his own spiritual maturity, he said these words: “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me His own” (Phil. 3:12). Paul wasn’t perfect, but he pressed on. He endured suffering and the sin of others. Why? I’ll let him answer: “Christ Jesus has made me His own.”

Consider that. How can you fight to be honest, to sacrifice yourself, to love others, and honor the Lord? Because Christ Jesus has made you His own. He has bought you with His blood. He has given His life in your place. His body was raised on the cross in your place. His body lay in the grave in your place. And He got up from the dead, so that you might know the power of His resurrection.

That means now, in your life, the power of Christ’s resurrection is at work in you. His Spirit is working to help you fight your sin, to reflect His truth.

But more than that, it means that one day, you too will be raised with Christ. One day God will make all things new.

The Promise to Persevere

Consider the promise of that day from Revelation 21:1-3: “Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God.’”

Everything new. Everything washed clean. Including you if you have turned from your sin and trusted in Christ. No more sin, no more sorrow. No more stains of dishonesty, falsehood, exaggeration, and lies. If you are in Christ, then one day you will be with His people, as a bride adorned for her husband. One day, you will be with God.

What will your relationship with Him be like? Hear it described in Revelation 22:4, “They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads.”

Friend, one day you will stand face to face with God. Truly known and truly knowing Him. No more lies that destroy relationships, or deceit that clouds friendship, or dishonesty that ruins marriages. Nothing separating you from a relationship with others. Nothing separating you from a relationship with your Creator and Redeemer. One day, in Christ, you will be with God.

What a joy to consider. What a profound hope. Is this promise not worth pursuing?

Throw off dishonesty. Choose honesty. No matter how difficult, how painful, how awkward, or how shameful. Because you are looking forward to that day. And because you can know so much of the joy of that day, today.

Just as your relationships will be perfectly honest then, you can be honest today. Just as knowing God will be perfectly clear then, you can be honest with Him today. Let the power of the gospel and the promise of heaven encourage you to be honest today.

Speak the truth to love others and honor God. One day, that is all you will do. You can begin today.

Reflection Questions:

  1. How does thinking about heaven help you be honest in this life?
  2. What is your first step in pursuing more honest speech?
  3. Who can you share your plan with?

About the Author

Christian Lawrence serves as a Pastoral Assistant at Capitol Hill Baptist Church in Washington, D.C. He is married to his wife, Chloe.