#30 Till Death Do Us Part

Part I: Till Death Do Us Part

What We Said at Our Wedding

“Repeat after me,” the parson intones, “till death do us part.” The bride and groom obey and the words are repeated.

Over the years, as a veteran of this marriage and even the death of a mate thing, the moment in the ceremony when I’m in the congregation actually makes me smile. Not in a cynical way, but actually sympathetic. More often than not, the man and woman standing before their family and friends are young and vibrant and eager. They’re at the peak of health. Dying is hardly on their radar — such a thing could not be further from their minds.

But, now that you’re a little older than those newlyweds, you’ve likely already thought about this, maybe even discussed it with your mate. Someday, you and your spouse are going to die.

The only unknowns are, who’s going to go first and when?

As you know, this actually happens. Husbands die; wives die. They breathe their final gasp often while their mate sits by, completely at a loss for what to do next.

Yucky

As the father of two daughters, many years ago my girls introduced me to the word “yucky.” This could have been spoken when the neighbor’s dog had been hit by a speeding car or when something sticky had been discovered on the smooth kitchen counter. Under stress, boys make mouth noises or sock their brother on the arm; girls get silly or speak words like this.

The undeniable truth is that death is real and that you or your mate are going to die. In a word, this is “yucky.” 

It’s my story, and with this field guide, I have a chance to unpack the account of what happened to my wife of almost forty-five years. And what happened to me. The plan is to encourage you as you prepare for this painful possibility.

Nothing New Here

The first two chapters in Genesis, the first book in the Bible, paint a pristine picture of all things good. In some cases…very good. But when we arrive at chapter three, everything changes. And what we find in the remainder of Genesis, includes what bad — yucky — looks like. In some cases, very bad. Very yucky.

And one of these terrible things that resulted from Adam and Eve’s disobedience was death. Until that moment, nothing died. Everything lived and would keep living. Forever. Flowers and animals of every size and shape, including giraffes and caterpillars. At first, people had no expirations dates. Then, they disobeyed God and a horrible decree was pronounced that eventually everything will perish.

“For you are dust, and you will return to dust” (Gen. 3:19).

And the most sobering part of this God-spoken directive is that the word “you” isn’t just delivered to Adam. The pronoun is plural. We are in there — you and me. Plus, the people we have loved, the people we love now, and the people we will love tomorrow are in there. And, thanks to Adam, the process of dying begins the moment we suck in our first big swallow of air as buck-naked newborns. Like an hourglass that’s been flipped over, the sand above begins trickling below through the pinch in the middle. There’s no turning that thing right side up. We’re on a one-way trajectory. And, again, like any self-respecting teenage girl would rightly say, this is “yucky.” It really is.

And beyond the Garden of Eden, and throughout the Bible, and all of recorded history, there’s more that’s been written about death.

For example, the man Job, from the depths of his own despair, affirmed this to be true: “Anyone born of woman is short of days and full of trouble. He blossoms like a flower, then withers; he flees like a shadow and does not last” (Job 14:1–2).

A flower “does not last.” A brilliant and more than adequate metaphor for death, right?

Even in his most beloved, genteel psalm, David assumes life’s end. He doesn’t open this subject in the Shepherd’s Psalm with “just in case” or “maybe,” rather he begins the death phrase with the words, “even though.” It’s as if there’s no choice in the matter — because there isn’t.

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley…” (Ps. 23:4)

So, because death is inevitable, after the foolishness, the defiance, the shortsightedness of Adam and Eve’s disobedience way back in the Garden of Eden and the consequential result, as I said, the Bible includes the stories of men and women dying. From these accounts you and I can learn a few important things. Here’s one of my favorite examples.

Circle Up, Men

Jacob — also known as “Israel” — was a very old man nearing his finish line. The full account of his life is a Hollywood movie script if there ever was one. Unable to see any longer, the feeble patriarch called for his son, Joseph, and his two grandsons, Ephraim and Manasseh. Jacob gathered them onto his lap and spoke. Joseph bowed low before his dying father. What a tender scene.

Then Jacob blessed Joseph and said, “May the God before whom my fathers, Abraham and Isaac walked faithfully, the God who has been my shepherd all my life to this day, the Angel who has delivered me from all harm—may he bless these boys. May they be called by my name and the names of my fathers, Abraham and Isaac, and may they increase greatly on the earth.” (Gen. 48:15–16)

Then Jacob gathered his twelve sons, and who knows who else may have joined them? His task was to do with all of them what he had just done with Joseph and Joseph’s sons, instruct and bless them.

“When Jacob had finished giving charges to his sons, he drew his feet into the bed, took his last breath, and was gathered to his people” (Gen. 49:33).

Even though these words were written thousands of years ago, when you and I think deeply about them, they still pack a punch. Jacob, even though very old, is very alive, enough to speak to his children. Then he lays down, curls up in a ball, and expires. 

After You — Who Goes First?

As you read these words, the fact of your eventual death may be highly disturbing. I get that. In fact, perhaps as a precursor of my own death, I’ve always lived with a sense of caution in nearly everything I do. You may be different, throwing yourself into life, tossing discretion to the wind. Skydiving, rock climbing, and high-speed motorcycles may be an inseparable part of your world. That’s good. Not me.

Much of my genetic anxiety about danger and death comes from a terminal case of acrophobia. And, although I know that heart disease is the leading cause of death in the world, falling comes in a respectable second. This is especially true for folks like me, older than fifty. I found this fact on the World Health Organization’s website. And just in case you’re not sure what is meant by “a fall,” the United States government bureaucracy has taken the time to spell it out in a single, helpful sentence: “A fall is defined as an event which results in a person coming to rest inadvertently on the ground or floor or other lower level.”

This is exactly why I’m afraid of heights. It’s the potential of falling — and dying because of that “coming to rest inadvertently” — that creates that empty knot in my stomach even at the thought of finding myself at the top of a twelve-foot extension ladder or hiking a narrow mountain path along the edge of a deep canyon. I even move to the inside lane when driving over a tall suspension bridge. You can never be too careful, right?

If you’re a therapist or if you took Psychology 101 in college (and consider yourself something of a qualified advice-giver), you may be thinking about hosting an intervention for my phobia. I’m envisioning walking into a room, unsuspectingly filled with my friends who have gathered for the purpose of helping me face and, perhaps, overcome my fear of heights. In the center of the room is an 8-foot step ladder.

The spokesperson tells me that the purpose of the intervention is to help me deal with and, perhaps, overcome my fear of heights. Then he tells me to climb the ladder to the second-to-top rung (there’s a sticker up there that warns against stepping on the very top rung.) while my friends watch and try to encourage me.

Silly scenario, right? 

Since, in so many cases, falling equals dying, what if, instead of anxiety about heights, my paralyzing phobia was death? What if the thought of dying freaked me out? Not surprisingly, like acrophobia is the single word that defines that height fear, there’s a name for this death fear: thanatophobia. 

Perhaps the next few pages will help with this fear.

Discussion & Reflection:

  1. How would you describe your thoughts about death? Do you give it much thought at all?
  2. Read Hebrews 2:14–16. How should the work of Christ affect our feelings and thoughts about death?

Part II: The Certainty and Finality of Death

Yes, He’s Dead

It was the first time I had seen a dead body.

I was only ten or eleven years old. My family had taken our annual pilgrimage to Winona Lake, Indiana, where my dad was involved in Youth for Christ’s annual conference. He was, for most of his adult life, an executive in this particular ministry.

The little town in north central Indiana featured a world-famous conference center — which is why we were there — and a lake. It was here I learned to swim, though not by my own choosing.

Standing on the long pier that jutted out from the shore across the surface of the water, my oldest brother determined that this would be a good time to teach me to swim. Notice, I did not say, to teach me how to swim. He simply pushed me into the water that was well over my head, figuring that the desperate moment of sheer terror would do all the necessary instructing. Thankfully — for my children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren — he was right. Through the treachery of the event, and the gurgling and sputtering that ensued, I floated to the surface and swam.

It was around that time when my day at the lake included witnessing something that involved the death of a married student. He was in town to attend the Bethel Theological Seminary. And it was his last day on earth. What I remember about that was his panicked wife yelling for help on a pier on the other side of the lake from my swimming lesson, men dashing to the spot where he failed to surface, and after a few minutes, pulling his body from the water. I ran to get a closer look.

This was before anyone besides physicians had heard of CPR or would have had any idea what those three letters meant. So, they laid him face up on the pier and I stood there at a safe distance, gazing at his body. His wife was frantic, but no one tried to revive him. We heard the sound of sirens headed our way. Straining to see everything, I looked at the graying frame of the man who had just a few minutes before, been, like the rest of us at the lake that day, splashing around with his friends. I was close enough to see that it looked like his eyes were open. Actually, this part of the experience is what haunted me for a long time.

Over the past sixty or so years, I’ve seen my share of corpses. Mostly in funeral homes where the bodies have been properly outfitted, coiffed, plasticked, and painted to camouflage the actual color and shape of their sunken faces. Dead people, nonetheless.

Yes, She’s Dead

When I was asked to write this field guide, my qualification to do so was not something I had pursued. Or enjoyed. Or boasted about. Actually, my ticket to ride on this train was, as I mentioned above, watching my wife die. 

In late October of 2014, my mate of almost 45 years, passed away — or as I always have preferred to say, “stepped into heaven.”

My daughters, Missy and Julie (at the time, ages 43 and 40), were sitting with me next to Bobbie’s rented hospital bed, awkwardly plunked down in the middle of our living room in October of 2014. Enid, our faithful hospice nurse, was also there. She had come by the house only fifteen or so minutes before my wife slipped away. Enid had taken Bobbie’s blood pressure. It was very low. She then tried to take Bobbie’s pulse with her thumb on the backside of her wrist. At first, Enid told us it was faint. Then she told us there was none. Incredibly, we knew this because Bobbie had asked her.

“You don’t feel a pulse, do you?” Bobbie queried.

“No, Miss Bobbie. I don’t.”

Then Bobbie asked for the head end of her hospital bed to be lowered so the whole thing would be flat. Then she rolled toward me, reached out, took me by the shirt with both hands, drew my face within a couple inches of hers and said “I love you so much” as clearly as she had said it in 1967 when we fell in love. She sighed deeply and died. 

“Is she dead?” Missy asked the nurse in a voice that was more resolute than panicked. 

“Yes,” Enid said evenly.

I reached toward Bobbie’s face and gently closed her eyelids, since, like the drowned man at Winona Lake, she had failed to do so on her own.

Then I sat for several minutes next to the hospital bed, watching as Bobbie’s body slowly turned gray. Then cool to the touch. Then cold.

After my call to summon them, two body-bag toting men from the funeral home arrived with a wheeled stretcher. My daughters and I stepped out of the living room while they lifted her from the hospital bed and slipped my wife’s form inside, zipping it almost to the top. They loaded it onto the cart and called for us, letting us know they were ready. We joined them, and what was once my vibrant wife, in the foyer of our home. They had only left Bobbie’s face visible above the almost closed zipper. The men graciously stepped away.

Missy, Julie, and I took each other’s hand. We stood encircling the gurney carrying my late wife. Their late mother. We sang a song we had sung…oh, maybe a thousand times when one of us was headed out of town, returning to college, or when a party at our house was breaking up. Bobbie had learned this song at River Valley Ranch somewhere in Maryland, when she was a young girl.

Good-bye, our God is watching o’er you.

Good-bye, his mercies go before you.

Good-bye, and we’ll be praying for you.

So good-bye, may God bless you.

When we finished singing, I offered a short “thank you” prayer for this lady’s life and love and faith and beauty. Nodding to the two men who, on that cue, finished zipping the body bag over Bobbie’s face, wheeling her out the front door to their van.

I haven’t sung that song since. It’s too sacred to repeat under any other circumstances.

When we were married in 1970, Bobbie was a mere twenty years old, I was a much older twenty-two. Even though the death phrase was part of our traditional wedding vows, it was the last thing on our minds. 

For the ensuing four and a half decades, many times Bobbie told me that she wanted to “be the first to die.” I always demurred. Who wants to talk about death when the majority of your life stretches before you? Not me.

But now, I was facing the reality of Bobbie’s wish. She was dead. I was a widower. Missy and Julie were launching the remainder of their young lives, motherless.

Bobbie Goes to the Hospital

Like so many each year around the globe, it was cancer that captured her at 64. The journey this disease took us on began with a visit to a woman’s oncology clinic in 2012 at MD Anderson in Orlando, where we lived. When Bobbie, Julie, and I first stepped off the elevator on the second floor, the waiting room — as quiet as a mortuary — was peppered with women. Some were reading a book, studying their smartphones, or quietly chatting with their husbands sitting close by. Others were alone, doing nothing. Almost all were bald. A few had their naked heads covered with a scarf or a beanie of knitted yarn. 

I wish I could describe what I felt that day without the limitation of words, but I cannot. It is scorched into my memory where it will be until it’s my turn. And so, this visit to the second floor began a thirty-month journey that ended that chilly October day when we sang “The Good-bye” song. Bobbie had been nothing short of a warrior. I tried to be, too, and was successful much of the time.

What I’d like to say right here in this field guide is that the experience of walking through the door of death with my wife nearly eliminated my fear of the same. Mostly, this was because of Bobbie’s remarkable attitude about the inevitability of her demise after being diagnosed with Stage IV ovarian cancer. 

And although I’m deeply grateful to be alive right now, Bobbie showed me how to die without shaking her fist at the God in whom she trusted in the good times. In spite of the shameful rigors of what she went through, with me by her side, there was no complaining. 

I’ve told people that Bobbie didn’t protest, even during the horrendous effects of chemotherapy and a clinical trial that literally made her feel like she was freezing to death, even in the heat of a Florida summer. Their quizzical looks tipped their hand of wondering if I’m exaggerating. I’m not. Not even a little. She did not whimper or complain, even hunched over the toilet throwing up the meager nutrition that had been left in her stomach. She’d finish vomiting, struggle to her feet. And smile. Oh, and thank me for being there for her.

It’s because of the living example of my wife dying that I determined to embrace what I’m sharing with you here. I’m glad you’ve joined me on the adventure of this guide about death — the death of your mate and, someday, your death.

It’s My Turn

I had been a sideline spectator to Bobbie’s adventure, now in only a few short years I had a chance to put my own training to the test.

In January 2020, I visited a dermatologist to take a look at a “little nothing pimple-like thing” on my right earlobe. What’s more innocuous than something that shows up on that soft, fleshy thing that hangs down from your ear?

Thanks to the wonder of local anesthetic, there was a painless slice and a quick trip to the lab for that tissue. One week later, Nancy and I were preparing to fly to Latin America for a conference she was hosting. A call came to me from my doctor with the report. Unfamiliar with the concept of diplomacy, tact, or bedside manner, she cut right to the chase. Her diagnosis was unvarnished. 

“Robert, you have melanoma cancer.”

At once my mind was transported back to MD Anderson in Orlando. I was sitting with my daughter and my late wife’s surgeon, in the consultation room, hearing the words, “Your wife has Stage IV Ovarian cancer.”

Now my number was up.

Fortunately for me, I had a track to run on…the one Bobbie had laid down. Cancer plus a generous dose of grace.

So, the phone call had come. I had cancer. Nancy was busy upstairs, packing her suitcase and collecting her notes and materials for the conference, so I did not tell her about the call…or the news.

The next day, we were hanging out and waiting for our flight to Mexico, at the behemoth known as DFW. 

“My doctor called yesterday,” I said. Nancy smiled. Then froze. “Yesterday, a call came from the dermatologist,” I repeated, taking a deep breath. “I have melanoma cancer.”

Remember, this was the year 2020, when the wheels were about to come off around the entire world. 

“Pandemic” wasn’t a word you often heard until this year. Then, it dominated every headline. So, my cancer added to the potential anxiety that the idea of Covid-19 brought up for Nancy and me. Incredibly, ninety days later, after surgery to remove the lower third of my ear in order to park the melanoma, I was diagnosed with another, completely unrelated cancer. 

Two months later, still in recovery mode from surgery, I was working out on our elliptical. Within less than five minutes on this contraption, my breath suddenly was incredibly short. “What’s wrong with me?” I said out loud.

So, like a guy revving his engine “to blow out the carbon,” I pushed forward. No luck. Still gasping for air.

I called my general-practice doctor and told him what had happened. Following his orders, I hurried to our local hospital for a blood draw. In less than two hours and thanks to online access to test results, I learned that my red blood count was treacherously low. Again, my doctor ordered me back to the hospital — the emergency room, to be exact. What followed was a couple infusions of healthy blood plasma, an overnight stay, and a veritable parade of more doctors and some grim news. I had lymphoma.

Now with a new cancer it would be time for chemotherapy. Bags of poison connected to a port in my chest, attempting to stem the cancer cells without killing the host: me. 

But the path through this frightening forest had been cleared. My late wife had shown me exactly how to do this. So with my own cancer diagnoses — two of them — I was as ready as I could be. By God’s grace I had been the recipient of an unforgettable lesson, watching my wife face death. Day after day. 

Discussion & Reflection:

  1. Have you lost anyone close to you? How did the Lord sustain you through that? What did you learn?
  2. Have you witnessed anyone else go through loss faithfully? What lessons did you take from what you saw?

Part III: Storm Ready

Having lived in the Sunshine State for seventeen years, I grew very familiar with weather forecasts that included that spinning hurricane icon. Watching this little red rotating icon on your computer when you live in the north is interesting. But when you live in its path, it’s a lot more than that. It’s terrifying. 

When your precious mate is diagnosed with a terminal disease, it’s like that spinning hurricane thing headed for your neighborhood. It’s serious.

Can I let you in on what that actually looked like living in the “path” of hurricane Bobbie? And what you might be able to learn from my experience? If you and I were enjoying a cup of coffee at your favorite hangout and you had just discovered that your mate was really sick, based on my experience, here’s what I’d suggest — like hurricane preparation:

    1. Bathe your journey in prayer.
      Bobbie and I married in 1970. Our first night at the lovely Hay Adams Hotel in Washington D.C., I gave her a heart necklace with the promise that our lives would be laced with prayer. Sitting on the edge of the bed, we both resolved that when trouble came our way, we would default to inviting the Lord into the situation. For almost forty-five years we did pretty well at this.

      If you’re married, and even if you’re both physically well, my encouragement to you is to pray with your mate. This does not need to be a long, drawn-out survey of the mission field (as important as that is), it can simply be an expression of your gratitude to your heavenly Father for his goodness, his provisions, and his mercy. And the gift that is your spouse.

      This season of your mate’s illness promises to be a challenging one — what better way to face it courageously than with the promise of your heavenly Father’s intervention and companionship? This will make a huge difference to you — both of you.
    2. Cut back on the news.
      The expression, “there’s nothing good on TV,” fits perfectly here. “Stressed” is likely going to describe you and your mate’s demeanor. You both are dealing with things you have never faced before. And, in case you have not noticed, there’s nothing “good” about your news feed, whether it comes on your phone, your computer, or your television.

      You’ve always prided yourself on being informed, but with the doctor’s diagnosis, this might be a good time to set that aside, daring to move ahead without all the headline news. Your mate will likely be thankful for the peace.
    3. Turn on the music.
      I’d like to encourage you to find something to fill the empty spaces in the air. As you know, on YouTube, you’ll be able to find wonderful, seamless music to fit your mate’s taste. Replacing the harrowing noise of “All The Ugly News Tonight,” will be the ambiance of sounds that will actually lift your spirits. What a good idea, right?

      If you and your mate can enjoy similar music, keep it playing as much as you can. Even last night, my wife, Nancy, and I were talking about how to spend our evening. It was a Saturday. College football games were either finished or inconsequential to us. The news was the same-ol-same-ol. So, I pulled out my laptop and clicked to YouTube. For the next few hours, we regaled in the kind of music we love. Even though, for now, both of us are enjoying good health, this was a sweet spirit-lifting, bonding time. Money in the bank, if you know what I mean.

      Bobbie and I did the same in the final months of her life. Because she had a lovely singing voice and I could harmonize, we’d sing. When our children and grandchildren visited, we did this together. In fact, I have a video stashed right here in my computer of Bobbie singing a duet of “Jesus Paid It All” with our granddaughter, Abby. This was just weeks from her death.
    4. Lean into your church.
      God’s house is as important as the hospital or clinic where your mate gets treatment. Actually, it’s more important. Like swarming crows on a June bug, there’s just something about believers when “prayer requests” are spoken. They pounce. The last thing you want during this season is wondering if anyone cares. In general, Christians are highly-skilled “carers.”

      Once chemo had begun and Bobbie’s beautiful dishwater blonde hair hit the floor, she was hesitant to go to church. Anticipating full-on love and support for her, I encouraged her, bald head and all, to come with me. Our church did not disappoint. Yours won’t either.
    5. Find a trusted confab of friends for your suffering mate.
      This is a conjoined twin to the previous one. Surround your mate with same-gender friends. Although reluctant to say “yes” to this, Bobbie signed up first to attend, then to lead, twenty or so women in Bible study. This became a lifeline for both of us.

      These friends were like a safety net as Bobbie swung wildly on the trapezes above. Their words, their cards, their prayers were all priceless.

      At this point let me say something important about friends and visits. Some visitors are encouraging. Others are, frankly, toxic. You’re officially the crocodile in the moat and sometimes this is not a pleasant responsibility. At one point, as Bobbie was nearing the exit ramp, she told me that a particular visitor really dragged her spirits down each time she visited. So, I asked this person, as graciously as I possibly could — not in Bobbie’s presence — to not visit any more. Even though this conversation was extremely hurtful to the recipient of the news, I had to put any relational concern aside. I was the doorkeeper and Bobbie’s comfort was a priority. It needs to be for you as well.
    6. Keep your close friends and family posted.
      For the months of Bobbie’s cancer, I sent emails to friends. These gave our close acquaintances around the world a snapshot of the Lord’s kindness and Bobbie’s faith and witness during these months. Less than a year before she died, I wrote this to our friends: “The women in our church are truly family. They have been the loving hands and feet of Jesus, soup makers and meal bringers and prayer partners who have given gifts of time and care at every turn. We continue to be overwhelmed with the kindness of God’s people.”

      When you take the initiative to inform your network regularly, this will cut down on what could be a barrage of questions from well-meaning inquirers who, otherwise, might become a source of distraction and frustration for you.
    7. But avoid TMI (Too Much Information).
      In your updates, although it’s tempting to disclose the details of tests and scans and treatments, be careful. Yes, there is basic medical information necessary to keep everyone properly informed, but by and large, your circle doesn’t need the gruesome details. They do need information about your loved one that will encourage them. You have an important role to play as the conduit here; guard the information, even troublesome medical news, with care.
    8. Find reasons to laugh.
      There’s truly nothing funny about this journey, so you have to make your own fun. Laughter was one of the reasons you fell in love in the first place, and even though there are many reasons for sobriety now, please do your best to keep smiling.

      Maybe some of the humor we shared when Bobbie was sick was actually a little dark, but we still laughed. For example, one of the hospice doctors had abandoned “bedside manner,” assuming he had ever known it. When he’d walk into our house, he didn’t bother to even say “hello” to Bobbie, or “how are you today?” Without even looking directly at her, he’d ask, “On a scale of one to ten, what’s your pain level?”

      Each time on these visits Bobbie would call him, “Dr. Death” after he’d leave the house. When she first dubbed him this way, I cringed. Then it became a landing place for humor.

      Another funny moment was once when I said to her, “You know I’m really going to miss you when you’re gone.” The expected response to such a statement would surely be, “Thank you, I’m going to miss you, too.” But she didn’t say this. What I actually got was a thin smile and crickets. This was clearly because she knew that when she was in heaven, she wouldn’t actually miss me. And for me, that was perfectly all right. This dawned on us simultaneously and we had a good laugh about it.
    9. Spend time in God’s Word yourself. Every day.
      Because what I’m about to say is so important to me, and hopefully, someday to you as well, I’m going to eat up some valuable clock on this point.

      Bobbie was a tenacious student of the Bible. Each morning at a very early and dark hour, she was sitting in her red chair, her Bible opened on her lap. I always admired this about her, since I was a writer of Christian books and a Sunday school teacher for many years, but I silently took a pass. She would take care of this part.

      We purchased a wingback chair sometime in the eighties from a friend in the furniture business in downtown Chicago. Originally covered in a bright yellow fabric (Bobbie was a big fan of bright colors), its first home was our living room in Geneva, Illinois. Bobbie loved to begin each day perched in that quiet place, reading her Bible and praying. She called this chair her early-morning “altar.”

When we made the decision to move to the Sunshine State in 2000, the chair went with us. Since yellow wasn’t going to work with our new décor, Bobbie asked an upholsterer to give it a new outfit. Red was the choice and for fourteen more years this is where she found herself every day at “dark-o-thirty.”

I knew that because each morning on my way to my upstairs study I’d walk past her. Whispering a habitual but friendly, “Good morning,” I’d head upstairs to my computer to get a start on my own day. Even though I fully embraced the idea of my wife spending these valuable hours in meditation and prayer, I had more important things to do. Mail to catch up on. Schedules to set. Articles to scan. Clients to call. Proposals to review. Contracts to finalize.

During parties, when our house was crowded with friends, I occasionally sat in the red chair. But this was Bobbie’s chair. Of course, there were no posted rules about this, but it was her place to sit and read and study. So, I usually used other furniture and that was fine by me.

On the day of Bobbie’s funeral and burial, our house was a busy place. Neighbors had volunteered to prepare lunch and our place was packed with neighbors and extended family. Connections, new and old, were made and lively conversations were had. Bobbie would have been delighted. Taking a page from the homes of famous people from the past that I’ve visited, I stretched a ribbon across the seat of the red chair from arm to arm. Even though places to sit were at a premium that afternoon, no one trespassed the ribbon. Everyone knew about the red chair and non-verbally asking visitors to avoid using it just seemed the right thing to do. Graciously, people left the chair alone, except to comment and graciously comply with the unwritten “thank you for not sitting here” ribbon.

Early the following morning, I woke with a start. For the first time in almost forty-five years, I was a single man. A widower. My new reality stared me down. But, wiping the sleep from my eyes, I knew I had an assignment. A new destination. Bobbie’s red chair. Gingerly, almost reverently, I removed the ribbon, still there from the previous day’s gathering, and sat down. In a voice just above a whisper, I confessed, “Lord, I’ve been a lazy man. I’ve watched my wife start her day right here with you for all these years.” I took a deep breath, knowing the seriousness of this moment and the resolve of my heart. 

From the red chair I said aloud, “As long as you give me breath, I intend to start each day with you.” Bobbie’s well-worn, One-Year Bible was on the little end table close by. I opened it and began the reading for the day marked November 15. Here is what it said that quiet morning: 

Blessed be the name of the Lord
From this time forth and forevermore!

From the rising of the sun to its going down
The Lord’s name is to be praised. (Ps. 113:2–3)

Imagine the power of these words: “From the rising of the sun…” And “the Lord’s name is to be praised.” I will forever be grateful for the Lord’s sweet nudge in the silence of that morning, and each morning since. As for me, whether in the comfy brown, leather recliner in my study or when traveling, in a nondescript chair in a hotel room, the peace and joy I have experienced day after day in those early morning hours with God have been indescribable. 

You likely don’t have a red chair in your living room or study. But you have a place to sit. To lift up your eyes and your heart — from yourself and earth’s demands and problems — to heaven. And to embrace the wonder of a loving God who is eager to meet with you each day. My sincere hope is that my story will inspire you and that you’ll purpose to start meeting with the Lord, reading his Word, and praying. If it does, you can thank that old red chair and my faithful, late wife who showed me what to do with it.

Two months before Bobbie stepped into heaven, she told two women what she wanted me to do after she was gone. One of the women she talked to was a neighbor. The other was the wife of a business colleague. “After I’m gone,” she told them, “I want Robert to get married.” And then she added, “And I want him to marry Nancy Leigh DeMoss.” 

I knew the first part. We talked about this many times. But until she was in heaven and those two women filled me in on her wishes, I had no idea. 

So, just over one year later, in November 2015, I answered Bobbie’s wish and married Nancy, a single woman, called to ministry from the time she was a youngster.

Earlier I spoke of hearing newlyweds recite their vows that included “till death do us part.” You’ll remember I confessed to smiling about the fact that these youngsters knew painfully little about life as it really was. But now that I was getting ready to speak those words again, at age 67, the smile was no longer there. At my age, “till death” for either Nancy or me — especially me — was an ominous thing. 

So, what could I do now, “the second time around” to bless my bride?

Early one morning, an idea popped into my head. I had my daily Bible on my lap and was reading portions of Scripture — Psalms, Proverbs, Old Testament, and New Testament clips. I’ll bet Nancy would be blessed by some of these verses, I mused. So I texted her some selections. Two, maybe three, and sometimes four verses that jumped off the page. She was sleeping when they were actually transmitted, but I knew that just as soon as she awakened, these would be there for her.

A happy and grateful text came flying back just as soon as Nancy was up. This was plenty of motivation to do it again. 

As of this writing, we’re approaching our ninth anniversary. And, according to my calculations, I’ve sent her more than ten thousand Bible verses. And it’s been just like my wife was sitting next to me every morning. This is highly motivating, as you might imagine.

For the next few minutes, I’d like to shoot you a metaphor. There’s no need for me to check with an actuary to settle the following question: “Who will die first: Nancy or me?”

Since I’m fully ten years older than she is, this doesn’t take a long time to figure out.

So, like the Bible verses that she’s “banking” in her cell phone, I’ve filled her love cup as best I can. All the time. With all my might. This is something I would like to encourage you to do with your mate while you’re both alive. That would be now, right? These three words are pure magic. Tell her. Text her. Rinse and repeat.

Discussion & Reflection:

  1. Which of these eleven suggestions do you need most to work on in your life so that you’re prepared for suffering with your mate faithfully? 
  2. In your particular trials, which of these suggestions come easily, and which ones are hard to regularly carry out? 

Part IV: Judgment Ready

Ready Is Good

You and I have adventured through this field guide together, spending a couple hours chatting. We’ve covered all kinds of things that I truly hope have been helpful as you serve your mate in a difficult struggle. 

Regardless of your age, you and I don’t know how long we have until it’s our turn to hit the tape at the end of the straightaway. But like golfers on a crowded course who have decided not to waste any time to take their shot playing ready golf, my deepest hope is that you and I will be just that: ready.

Think back to your school days. It doesn’t matter how far back you go. It could be grade or graduate school. Junior or senior high.

When you were headed into a classroom or to the panel of professors ready to hear the oral defense of your doctoral dissertation, if you believed you were ready, you were at peace.

On the contrary, there is no sheer panic like the sheer panic of not being ready. This is the fluster of terror that makes breathing difficult. The sweat on your face that shouts, “I didn’t do my homework. I’m not prepared for this.”

It’s the confidence of striding into the sanctuary for your wedding, dressed and ready. Or sitting down at a business meeting with your research completed. This wedding or this meeting did not sneak up on you. You knew all about them with plenty of time in advance to do what you needed to do to prepare.

In the late sixties, a popular West Coast-based singer/songwriter named Larry Norman penned the words to a song with a sobering theme. The setting was the second coming of Jesus Christ which, according to Scripture, will happen unexpectedly. In the twinkling of an eye.

So, fitting to the idea of this final chapter, the song was titled, “I Wish We’d All Been Ready.” The lyrics included the following: 

A man and wife asleep in bed
She hears a noise and turns her head
He’s gone
I wish we’d all been ready

Two men walking up a hill
One disappears and one’s left standing still
I wish we’d all been ready

There it is. Just like speeding up your golf game because the course is well-occupied, or readying yourself in the case of an airplane disaster, the operative word is “ready.”

One of two things waits for us in our future. These are not speculation. They’re fact. And we have no choice.

The first is that, during our lifetime or later, Jesus Christ will return to earth. His physical, resurrected form will show up, just as he did on Christmas Eve. Back then he came as an innocent baby boy born to a peasant couple. But not this time. He’s not going to be a helpless, dependent newborn infant sleeping on the scratchy straw in a feeding trough. No, he’ll look more like the Apostle John describes him in the first chapter of the book of Revelation:

The hair on his head was white like wool, as white as snow, and his eyes were like blazing fire. His feet were like bronze glowing in a furnace, and his voice was like the sound of rushing waters. In his right hand he held seven stars, and coming out of his mouth was a sharp, double-edged sword. His face was like the sun shining in all its brilliance. (Rev. 1:14–16)

Take a moment and let this image sink in. And what did John do when he witnessed this with his own eyes? He did what we will do when we see Jesus.

“When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead” (Rev. 1:17a).

And what will Jesus do and say to us, as we’re on our faces before him?

“Then he placed his right hand on me and said: ‘Do not be afraid’” (Rev. 1:17b).

The Apostle Paul also references this view of the Savior. He uses words we completely understand: “In a flash” and “In the twinkling of an eye.”

Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. (1 Cor 15:51–52)

Or as the late John Madden would say when a linebacker leveled an unsuspecting quarterback, unable to throw a pass because he was knocked on his backside by a charging linebacker: “Boom!”

The second sure thing is that you and I will die. Like Bobbie, we will take that final breath and our bodies will turn gray and cold. This end may come at the close of a protracted illness. For you and your loved ones it will not be a surprise. 

Or it may happen like my wife Nancy’s father, Arthur DeMoss. On a clear Saturday morning on the tennis court with three of his buddies, at the age of 53, my future father-in-law, whom I’m eager to meet in heaven, suffered a massive heart attack, a lethal myocardial infarction. Doctors said that he was dead before his body slammed to the hard surface of the court.

Because of the wonder of technology, as I was working on this manuscript, Nancy and I watched a DVD of her daddy’s funeral service, held on September 10, 1979. Right there, sitting on the front row next to my wife at 21 years old, were her forty-year-old mother and six young siblings. Her eight-year-old sister slept through most of it.

Speakers included well-known Christian leaders and two men whom Art DeMoss had introduced to Jesus. Each speaker affirmed the relentless witness of this man’s words and life. And, in spite of the pain of the moment, they celebrated one simple fact: even as a young man in his fifties, Art DeMoss was ready. How grateful I am for this. And him.

Whether your death is sudden or prolonged, or if Jesus returns before you are hit by a car or get sick, in any case, only one question matters. Only one.

Are you ready?

Here Comes the Judge

You may be old enough to remember the weekly comedy variety show, Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In. It ran from 1968 to 1973 and featured many up-and-coming funny people, like Arte Johnson wearing a military helmet, who’s oft-repeated line with a squint, curled lip (and lisp) was, “Very interesting.” Remember?

Another phrase we heard almost every week on the show was Sammy Davis Jr.’s white wig and black robe and the line, “Here Comes the Judge.” He’d speak these words as he strode across our screens. This was always good for a laugh.

But, speaking of “Are we ready?” a biblical element of what we’re going to face after death, we will be standing before the judgment seat of God, the ultimate judge. And there will be nothing funny about it. 

The Apostle Paul says, “We must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ to receive what is due to us for what we have done in the body” (2 Cor. 5:10). 

What that means — if you can begin to take it in — is that when you and I stand before God we will be able to say, “We are righteous before you as your Son Jesus Christ.” Now that can sound very arrogant. But if you then ask, “Well how is that true?,” the answer is, “Because the only righteousness with which I’m justified is Jesus Christ’s righteousness.”

Because of Jesus, there’s no reason to dread this judgment. There’s every reason to anticipate it.  How good is this?

Pilgrim’s Progress

My mother, a woman perfectly named Grace, read from Pilgrim’s Progress to my siblings and me when we were little. The book is an allegory of the life journey of a man named Christian from his birth to his death, the vaunted Celestial City. 

Even though I admit to not remembering the portion of the book that mother read about death all those years ago, I have gone back and pulled out a few sentences that describe this in a way that ought to take our collective breath away. 

Before arriving in this magnificent city, there was a raging river to cross. This intimidated Christian and his friend, Hopeful, but they forged ahead across the water anyway. 

As they are crossing the river, Christian began to sink, and crying out to his good friend, Hopeful, he said, “I sink in deep waters; the billows go over my head; all his waves go over me”…then said the other, “be of good cheer, my brother: I feel the bottom, and it is good.”

For me, the equivalent of “feeling the bottom” is riding on an airplane as we approach a landing in dense clouds. White seamlessness out the window, and then a break in the whiteness and land is spotted below. I love that sight. And that feeling.

Christian felt the sandy bottom of the river with his feet and it made him feel safe. He saw land through the clouds and it made him happy. 

That can be you and me and our mate, headed for glory. Safely.

Bobbie Was Ready

A few months after we said good-bye to Bobbie at her funeral, I wrote the following to the many friends who had patiently and prayerfully followed our journey. My family and I had been blanketed with an outpouring of love and kindness. 

Closure…A Final Good-Bye…and Grateful

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
His mercies never come to an end;
They are new every morning;

Great is Your faithfulness” (Lam. 3:23).

Precious Family & Friends:

Since my last memo to you, our family has experienced an armful of “firsts.” Thanksgiving. Christmas. The New Year. Valentine’s Day. Three grandchildren’s birthdays. My birthday. 

Many have asked how we are doing. It’s a question we have answered often. In fact, the first Sunday after Bobbie stepped into heaven, I was on the phone with our Julie. “What should we say when people wonder how we are?” she asked. 

We talked about it and reviewed several options. And then we settled on a single word. A word we have now said over and over again.

Grateful. We’re grateful. 

To folks who don’t know Jesus, this could easily sound like we are refusing to face the facts. The painful truth that Bobbie is gone. How naïve could we be? But it is true. God’s faithfulness has been sure. And certain. As our Shepherd, he takes care of his own. We are truly grateful.

When Bobbie was first diagnosed, my family resolved that…we are not angry, we are not afraid, we are receiving this as a gift, and our highest goal is that the name of Jesus would be lifted up. Did we pray for Bobbie’s healing? Yes, we did. But some of our friends—people whom we love very much—asked why we weren’t “claiming” her healing. “Wouldn’t it be God’s will for someone like Bobbie to be healed?” they would lovingly inquire.

After thanking them for their care, our answer was this: “Sometimes people who love Jesus are, in fact, physically healed. And sometimes they are not.” 

So, my family prayed about this. We asked the Lord, “What is Your will?”

His answer was clear and strong. Unmistakable. And wouldn’t you know it, the answer came straight from his Word?

“The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance” (1 Pet. 3:9).

There it was. Our answer. God’s will is that lost people repent and be “found”…that, as Francis Thompson wrote almost a century ago, their hearts would be captured by the “Hound of Heaven.”

And the reports from around the world of people being touched, inspired in their walk with Jesus as a result of Bobbie’s cancer, have brought our family unspeakable joy and purpose in this journey.

This past weekend, my children and grandchildren drove to Orlando from the Carolinas to help me celebrate my birthday. The other mission of their trip was to help me gently and lovingly remove all of Bobbie’s things from the house. So, her closet is empty, the pantry is again just a pantry, and the laundry and art room, just a laundry room. 

Then on a rainy and cold Saturday afternoon, we made the short trip to the cemetery where Bobbie’s body has been silently resting since November. It was a moment of deep emotion. And gratitude. And closure.

Does this mean that we will forget this remarkable woman whom our heavenly Father loaned to us as wife and mother for 44 years and 7 months to the day? No. But, because of her absolute insistence that we “move on with our lives” after she’s gone, we have taken a deep breath…and are doing just that. With, of course, the absolute assurance that we will see her again. She was ready. One more reason to be grateful.

The outpouring of love and care from you over these three years has been more than we could have ever anticipated. We have been sustained by your prayers. 

So, thank you. Thank you for standing with me…with us. And thank you for your encouragement as we step out in faith, eager to see what the Lord has for us now.

We love you.

Robert

So, why were we grateful? 

Because, even though the “good-bye” meant we would not see her again, this side of glory, Bobbie was ready.

My goal while I’m on this side of my own death, is to also be ready. When your mate takes this step — and someday when you do the same. This is my prayer for you. 

About the Author

Robert D. Wolgemuth is the father of two adult daughters, five grandchildren, and so far, two great grandchildren. He has been in the media business for thirty-nine years and is a former president
of Thomas Nelson Publishers, he was the founder of Wolgemuth & Associates, a literary agency exclusively representing the writing work of more than two hundred authors. Officially retired from actively involved in the business world, Robert is a speaker and bestselling author of over twenty books.

#27 Courageous Women: Rescuing The Hardest to Reach

Part I: Why We Must Engage the Darkness

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” – John 1:5

This powerful verse from John’s Gospel encapsulates the heart of why we, as believers, must actively push back against the darkness in our world. We carry within us the only light that can truly overcome the shadows of sin, despair, and brokenness. When we look around, it’s clear that darkness abounds — poverty, violence, addiction, exploitation, sickness, broken families — the list seems endless and overwhelming.

Yet, amid all this brokenness, there is hope. There is good news. There is Jesus! He is the one who came to “seek and save the lost” (Luke 19:10), to “set the captives free” (Luke 4:18), to “heal the brokenhearted” (Ps. 147:3), and to reconcile us to God (2 Cor. 5:18). Jesus declares himself the “light of the world” (John 8:12), and incredibly, he chooses to shine through us, his church.

The Apostle Paul beautifully articulates this reality in 2 Corinthians 4:6–7:  

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.

We are those jars of clay, ordinary vessels carrying an extraordinary light.

In fact, in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus tells us, “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden… Let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven” (Matt. 5:14–16).

This calling is both a tremendous privilege and a weighty responsibility. We possess the cure that our dying world desperately needs — the hope that can pierce through even the darkest night. How can we possibly keep this to ourselves?

Consider the parable of the Good Samaritan in Luke 10:25–37. Jesus tells this story in response to the question, “Who is my neighbor?” The Samaritan, unlike the priest and Levite, saw the beaten man’s need and engaged with compassion. He didn’t walk by on the other side of the road. He got involved, even at personal cost. This parable challenges us to see the hurting around us and to take action, regardless of societal boundaries or personal discomfort.

Engaging the darkness isn’t optional if we truly want to walk in obedience to God. Jesus made it clear that following him would often lead us into uncomfortable, even dangerous situations. He warned his disciples, “If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you” (John 15:18). He told them they would face persecution, opposition, and trials for his name’s sake.

But along with these sobering realities, Jesus also gave powerful promises. He assured us that his light in us would be unquenchable (Matt. 5:14). He declared that his perfect love would cast out all fear (1 John 4:18). He provides the shield of faith, “with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one” (Eph. 6:16). 

When we truly grasp what we possess as children of God, it changes everything. We no longer have to shrink back in fear or settle for a shallow, comfortable faith. We can step out with holy confidence, knowing that the same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead dwells in us (Rom. 8:11).

Discussion & Reflection:

  1. What areas of darkness in your community or personal life do you feel God is calling you to engage with his light?
  2. How does the reality that Jesus is the “light of the world” (Jn 8:12) affect the way you view the brokenness and darkness around you?
  3. In what ways have you hesitated to engage in uncomfortable or risky situations because of fear? 

Prayer   

Lord, thank you for the incredible privilege of carrying the light of Jesus into the darkness of this world. We praise you for your unfailing love, and for sending your Son to seek and save the lost, heal the brokenhearted, and set captives free. We ask that you give us courage to step out in faith, even when it means walking into difficult and uncomfortable places. Help us to be obedient to your call, not shrinking back in fear but trusting in the power of your Spirit who dwells within us. Empower us to shine brightly, Lord, and to be vessels of hope, healing, and reconciliation in this world. Use us for your glory and the advancement of your kingdom.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Part II: Overcoming Fear and Taking Spirit-Led Risks

“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” – 2 Timothy 1:7

Fear is one of the greatest obstacles that prevents us from engaging the darkness. It’s a natural human response when we’re confronted with the unknown, the uncomfortable, or the potentially dangerous. But as children of God, we’re called to walk in faith, not fear. In this section, we’ll explore how to overcome our fears and take Spirit-led risks for the Kingdom.

But one of the biggest obstacles we face in engaging the darkness is fear. 

Understanding the Nature of Fear

Before we dive into how to overcome fear, it’s important to understand what fear is and where it comes from. Fear, at its core, is a God-given emotion designed to protect us from genuine threats. However, the enemy often distorts this emotion, using it to paralyze us and prevent us from fulfilling God’s purposes for our lives.

In 1 Peter 5:8, we are warned, “Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” Notice that Peter doesn’t say the devil is a roaring lion, but that he is “like” one. The enemy uses fear to make himself seem larger and more threatening than he actually is. He wants us to be afraid, to cower, even when there is no real threat.

Conversely, throughout Scripture, we see God frequently telling his people, “Do not be afraid.” From Joshua as he prepared to lead Israel into the Promised Land (Josh. 1:9) to Mary as she received the news of her miraculous pregnancy (Luke 1:30), God’s message is clear: in his presence and under his command, we have nothing to fear.

My Personal Journey with Fear

I’ll never forget the first time I shared with my husband, Josh, that I felt God calling me to minister in strip clubs. We were newlyweds, just starting to build our life together. The thought of his new bride venturing into such dark, potentially dangerous places was understandably unsettling.

But you know what he said to me? “Rachelle, that’s exactly what Jesus would do. And if Jesus is sending you, he’ll protect you.” With those words, Josh became my greatest supporter in this crazy adventure God has sent us on. Time and time again, we’ve witnessed God’s faithfulness in keeping me safe as I follow his lead.

Still, the fear was very real, especially in the beginning. I had to confront my own prejudices and preconceived notions about the industry. I had to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. I had to die to my pride and be willing to look foolish, to be misunderstood, and even maligned for the sake of loving people as Jesus does.

Through this journey, I’ve learned a crucial truth: Courage isn’t the absence of fear, it’s choosing to obey God in the face of our fears. It’s fixing our eyes on “Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith” (Heb. 12:2) and following hard after him, no matter the cost. 

The Difference Between Wisdom and Fear

This doesn’t mean we should act recklessly or put ourselves in unnecessary danger. Wisdom and discernment are vital when engaging with broken places and people. Proverbs 22:3 tells us, “The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.”

There’s a crucial difference between godly wisdom and fear-based decision-making. Wisdom seeks God’s guidance, considers potential risks, and moves forward in faith. Fear, on the other hand, paralyzes us, causing us to shrink back from what God is calling us to do.

For example, when we first started our outreach to strip clubs, we put safety measures in place. We always went in teams, had prayer coverage, and maintained clear boundaries. This wasn’t operating in fear; it was applying wisdom to our calling.

Taking Spirit-Led Risks

Being led by the Spirit often involves taking risks — stepping out of our comfort zones and into the unknown. It means being willing to look foolish in the eyes of the world, to go against societal norms for the sake of the gospel.

Think about Peter stepping out of the boat in Matthew 14. Was it risky? Absolutely. Did it defy logic? Yes. But it was in response to Jesus’ invitation. Peter’s willingness to take that risk led to an incredible faith-building experience.

Throughout Scripture and church history, we see countless examples of men and women who took great risks for the kingdom:

None of these individuals were fearless. But they had a greater awe of God and passion for his purposes than they did fear of man or death. They understood Jesus’ words: “For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it” (Matt. 16:25).

The Power Available to Us

The same power that enabled these heroes of the faith to take great risks for the kingdom is available to us today. As sons and daughters of the king, we have nothing to fear. Romans 8:31 reminds us, “If God is for us, who can be against us?” Isaiah 54:17 declares that no weapon formed against us shall prosper. And Psalm 91:1 assures us of God’s protection when we abide under his shadow.

Moreover, we have the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit. Acts 1:8 promises, “you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.” This power is transformative and more than enough to overcome our fears.

Practical Steps to Overcome Fear

Overcoming fear is a process, but here are some practical steps that can help you start moving forward in faith:

The Reality of Opposition

Does this mean we’ll never face hardship, defeat, or even martyrdom as we push back darkness? No. Jesus was clear that in this world, we will have trouble (John 16:33). But he follows that sobering reality with an incredible promise: “But take heart; I have overcome the world.” We may face opposition, ridicule, or even persecution as we step out in faith. But we’re promised that Jesus will be with us always, supplying the strength, courage, and direction we need every step of the way. And we’re assured that eternal rewards await us for our faithfulness.

I can tell you from years on the front lines of ministry — there is no greater joy than being spent for the gospel. Seeing even one lost soul encounter the love of God makes every moment of discomfort, every awkward conversation, and every spiritual battle worth it.

A Call to Action

So, what is God calling you to risk for his kingdom? Where is he beckoning you to be brave and step out in faith? Maybe it’s finally sharing the gospel with that coworker you’ve been praying for. Perhaps it’s signing up for that short-term mission trip you’ve been considering. It could be launching the ministry that’s been burning in your heart, or opening your home to foster or adopt a child in need.

Whatever it is, know this: on the other side of your obedience lies a great adventure with Jesus. Yes, there will be fears to face, giants to slay, and mountains to climb. But oh, the view from the top! The treasures you’ll store up in heaven! The “well done” you’ll hear from your Savior one day!

Remember, fear loses its power when we step out in faith. The darkness is just waiting for the 

light.  

Discussion & Reflection:

  1. What specific fears have been holding you back from fully following God’s call on your life?
  2. How can you start taking small Spirit-led steps of faith to overcome fear and grow in obedience to God?
  3. When was the last time you experienced God’s faithfulness in a situation where you stepped out in faith? How does that encourage you now?

Prayer

Lord, grant me the courage to step out in faith, trusting in your strength to overcome my fears. Help me to take Spirit-led risks, knowing that your power is made perfect in my weakness. In Jesus name, Amen.

Part III: Practical Ways to Reach the Hurting and Lost

“Let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” – Matthew 5:16

As we get into the practical aspects of engaging with the hurting and lost, it’s crucial to ground our actions in solid theological understanding. Our outreach isn’t merely a set of techniques or strategies; it’s a reflection of God’s heart and an extension of his hands and feet on this earth. 

The Theological Foundation for Outreach

  1. The Image of God (Imago Dei): Genesis 1:27 tells us that all humans are created in God’s image. This fundamental truth should shape how we view and interact with every person we encounter, regardless of their current state or lifestyle. Each individual, no matter how broken or lost, bears the divine imprint and has inherent worth and dignity.
  2. The Great Commission: In Matthew 28:19–20, Jesus commands us to “go and make disciples of all nations.” This isn’t a suggestion but a mandate for all believers. Our outreach is a direct response to this call, participating in God’s redemptive plan for humanity.
  3. The Ministry of Reconciliation: 2 Corinthians 5:18–20 describes us as “Christ’s ambassadors” entrusted with the “ministry of reconciliation.” Our role is to represent Christ and his message of reconciliation to a world alienated from God.
  4. The Body of Christ: Ephesians 4:11–16 outlines how the body of Christ functions, with each member playing a vital role. Our individual efforts in outreach contribute to the overall mission of the church in building God’s kingdom.
  5. The Fruit of the Spirit: Galatians 5:22–23 lists the fruit of the Spirit, which should be evident in our lives as we engage with others. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control should characterize our interactions.

With this theological framework in mind, let’s explore practical ways to reach the hurting and lost:

Prayer: The Foundation of Effective Outreach

“Pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.” – Ephesians 6:18

Prayer isn’t just a prelude to outreach; it’s an integral part of the process. Through prayer, we align our hearts with God’s, gain spiritual discernment, and invite his power into our efforts.

Practical Application:

Cultivate a Listening Heart

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” – James 1:19

Active listening is a powerful tool in reaching others. It demonstrates genuine care and opens doors for deeper conversations.

Practical Application:

Share Your Personal Testimony

“Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.” – 1 Peter 3:15

The story of God’s work in your life is a powerful witnessing tool. It’s a unique account that no one can dispute.

Practical Application:

Meet Practical Needs

“Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, ‘Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it?” – James 2:15–16

Demonstrating God’s love through practical service often opens hearts to the gospel message.

Practical Application:

Build Genuine Relationships

“For though I am free from all, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win more of them.” – 1 Corinthians 9:19

Effective outreach often happens in the context of authentic relationships. This requires time, patience, and genuine investment in others’ lives.

Practical Application:

Use Your Unique Gifts and Passions

“Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.” – 1 Peter 4:10

God has uniquely gifted you. Using these gifts in outreach allows you to serve authentically and effectively.

Practical Application:

Collaborate with Others

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor.” – Ecclesiastes 4:9

We’re not meant to engage in mission alone. Partnering with others multiplies our impact and provides needed support and accountability.

Practical Application:

Engage in Spiritual Warfare

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” – Ephesians 6:12

Recognize that outreach involves spiritual battle. We must be equipped with spiritual armor and rely on God’s power.

Practical Application:

Practice Cultural Intelligence

“To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews… I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some.” – 1 Corinthians 9:20, 22

Understanding and respecting cultural differences is crucial in effective outreach, especially in diverse communities.

Practical Application:

Persevere in Love

“Love is patient, love is kind… It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” – 1 Corinthians 13:4, 7

Reaching the hurting and lost is often a long-term process. Perseverance and consistent love are key.

Practical Application:

Be Prepared to Give an Answer

“But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.” – 1 Peter 3:15

While our actions often speak louder than words, we must also be ready to articulate our faith when opportunities arise.

Practical Application:

Embrace the Power of Story

“Jesus spoke all these things to the crowd in parables; he did not say anything to them without using a parable.” – Matthew 13:34

Jesus often used stories to convey deep truths. Similarly, we can use stories — both from Scripture and our own lives — to connect with others and illustrate God’s truth.

Practical Application:

Remember, dear sister, that reaching the lost isn’t about having all the right words or techniques. It’s about allowing God’s love to flow through you to a hurting world. As you step out in faith, trust that the Holy Spirit will guide you and give you the words to speak.

Discussion & Reflection:

  1. Which of these practical tips resonates most with you? Why?
  2. What’s one step you can take this week to engage with someone who needs to know Jesus?
  3. How can you involve your family or Christian friends in your outreach efforts?
  4. In what ways do you need to grow in your understanding of biblical theology to strengthen your outreach?

Prayer

Lord, give us your heart for the lost. Open our eyes to the opportunities around us and give us courage to step out in faith. Use us as vessels of your love and truth in a dark world. Equip us with knowledge, wisdom, and discernment as we seek to reach others. May our words and actions always point to you. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Part IV: Maintaining an Eternal Perspective as Wives and Mothers

“Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” – Colossians 3:2

I’m going to be honest with you: following Jesus into dark and broken spaces is hard as a wife and mom. There have been countless times I’ve had to wrestle through mom guilt, waves of fear for my safety, and the never-ending struggle to be fully present with my family while pouring out for ministry.

Can you relate? Perhaps you feel the tension of wanting to make a difference for God’s kingdom but also wanting to honor him by loving your family well, of longing for more time to serve but feeling maxed out by the 24/7 demands of motherhood. It’s a balancing act, to be sure.

But here’s what God has shown me: it’s not an either/or, it’s a both/and. We can pursue God’s calling in our lives while stewarding well the precious families he’s given us. In fact, I’d argue we must. Because the world is in too desperate a state for us to be sidelined by an unbiblical view of motherhood.

Please hear my heart: I’m not at all diminishing the high calling of pouring into our children and homes. It’s one of the most important kingdom investments we can make, and it takes massive amounts of prayer, love, and intentionality.

But what if instead of separating the sacred work of mothering from the sacred work of ministry, we saw them as beautifully intertwined? What if we recognized that some of the most powerful evangelism and discipleship we’ll ever do is around our own kitchen tables? That as we model for our kids what it looks like to love Jesus and love like Jesus, we’re raising up arrows to be shot out into culture for his glory?

This paradigm shift has been revolutionary for me. Suddenly, the everyday tasks of motherhood take on eternal significance. As I’m changing diapers, I’m praying for my children to be world-changers for Jesus. As I’m driving them to school, we’re memorizing Scripture and talking about how to show Jesus’ love to their classmates. As I’m tucking them in at night, I’m imparting biblical truth and blessing over their lives.

And you know what? My children are catching the vision! They get excited about filling hygiene bags for the women at Scarlet Hope. They pray bold prayers for the lost. They talk about the importance of caring for the poor and hurting. And while ministry may take me away from them at times, they know it’s for the advancement of God’s kingdom.

Here are some practical ways to maintain an eternal perspective as wives and mothers while engaging in kingdom work:

Redefine Success in Light of Eternity

It’s easy to get caught up in the world’s definition of success. As moms, we often feel pressure to have spotless homes, perfectly behaved children, and Instagram-worthy lives. But that’s not how God measures success. He looks at our faithfulness, our hearts, and our willingness to invest in the eternal things that really matter.

When we redefine success through the lens of eternity, we free ourselves from unrealistic expectations. Success is not about having it all together or checking off every item on our to-do list. It’s about being faithful to God’s call in our lives and trusting him with the rest.

In Matthew 6:33, Jesus reminds us to “seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” When our priorities are aligned with his, we can trust him to provide for our needs — both in our homes and in our ministries.

Involve Your Children in Ministry

One of the most beautiful ways we can maintain an eternal perspective as wives and mothers is by involving our children in ministry. Not only does this help them develop a heart for the lost, but it also creates opportunities for quality time together.

When my kids help fill hygiene bags for the women at Scarlet Hope, they are learning firsthand what it means to serve others. When they pray bold prayers for the lost, they are beginning to understand the power of intercession. And when they hear about the lives being transformed through our ministry, they are catching a vision for the advancement of God’s kingdom.

Children are not too young to engage in missions. In fact, Proverbs 22:6 encourages us to “train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” By including our children in ministry from an early age, we are shaping them into future leaders, disciples, and world-changers.

Practical Tips for Involving Your Kids in Ministry:

Prioritize Your Marriage

A strong, Christ-centered marriage provides the foundation for both family life and ministry. When our marriages are healthy, they reflect God’s love to the world around us. But in the midst of juggling ministry and motherhood, it’s easy to neglect our spouses.

Ephesians 5:33 says, “Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” This biblical command reminds us that our marriages should reflect mutual love, honor, and respect. As we serve our families and engage in ministry, we must be intentional about prioritizing time with our spouses.

Practical Tips for Prioritizing Your Marriage:

Manage Your Time and Create Margin

One of the biggest challenges in balancing family and ministry is time management. Between school drop-offs, work, house chores, and ministry, the days can feel overwhelming. But God calls us to live wisely with the time we’ve been given.

Ephesians 5:15–16 says, “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.” Time is one of our most precious resources, and it’s important to use it intentionally.

Creating margin in your schedule is essential. If every moment is packed full, there’s no room for spontaneous ministry opportunities or quality time with family. By intentionally leaving space in our schedules, we give God room to work in unexpected ways.

Practical Tips for Managing Your Time:

Remember, dear sister, that your primary ministry is to your family. But that doesn’t mean it’s your only ministry. As you seek God’s wisdom and leading, he will show you how to balance your roles as wife, mother, and laborer for the gospel.

Of course, this requires constantly surrendering our time and schedule to the Lord: asking him what to say “yes” and “no” to in each season, being fully present and engaged when we are home, and prioritizing regular rest to recharge and enjoy our families.

But more than anything, it requires keeping an eternal perspective front and center. It requires remembering that this life is but a vapor (James 4:14), and we only have a short time to make a difference for Jesus. Souls hang in the balance, and the sacrifices we make for the gospel will echo into eternity.

One day, we’ll stand before the throne of God and give an account of how we spent our lives (2 Cor. 5:10). On that day, I want to hear him say, “Well done, good and faithful servant. You poured out every ounce of what I gave you — your time, treasures, talents, family — for my glory and the salvation of the lost. Enter into your Father’s joy!”

Discussion & Reflection:

  1. In what ways have you felt tension between your roles as a wife/mother and your desire to engage in ministry?
  2. How can you involve your children more intentionally in your outreach efforts?
  3. What’s one area where you need to create more margin in your life to be available for God’s purposes?

Prayer

Lord, help us to see our roles as wives and mothers through Your eyes. Show us how to balance our family responsibilities with Your call to reach the lost. Give us wisdom to make eternal investments both in our homes and in the world around us while we look for ways to engage the darkness and bring the light of Christ to a hurting world. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Conclusion: The Call to Shine in the Darkness

As we come to the close of this journey together, I want to encourage you to reflect on everything we’ve explored in this field guide. The darkness in our world can often feel overwhelming, and at times, the call to engage it may seem like more than we can handle. But remember, God has not left us unequipped.

He has given us his Spirit to empower us, his Word to guide us, and his church to walk alongside us. We are never called to engage the darkness alone. We go with the light of Christ shining within us, and that light can never be extinguished.

John 1:5 says, “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” This is the promise we cling to. No matter how dark the world may seem, no matter how broken the people we encounter may be, the light of Christ is stronger. It brings hope to the hopeless, healing to the wounded, and redemption to the lost.

Will You Step Into the Darkness?

So, dear sister, will you step into the darkness? Will you trust God with the fears and uncertainties that hold you back? Will you surrender your time, your talents, and your heart to his mission?

The adventure that awaits you is beyond anything you can imagine. Yes, there will be challenges. Yes, there will be moments of doubt. But there will also be moments of breathtaking beauty — moments when you see God transform a life, when you witness a lost soul come home, and when you experience the joy of being used by him to make an eternal impact.

Jesus calls us to follow him, and that often means walking into uncomfortable places, risking our reputations, and laying down our lives for the sake of others. But as we do, we find that we are not alone. He is with us every step of the way, empowering us, protecting us, and filling us with his unshakable peace.

A Vision for the Future: Raising Up the Next Generation

As wives and mothers, we also have the incredible privilege of raising up the next generation of world-changers. Our children are watching us. They see how we serve, how we love, and how we trust God with our lives. As they grow, they will take what they have learned from us and carry the light of Christ into their own mission fields.

Proverbs 31:28 speaks of children rising up and calling their mother blessed. What greater blessing could there be than seeing our children walking in the truth, living out the gospel, and shining the light of Christ in the dark places of this world?

Let’s commit to raising our children with an eternal perspective. Let’s teach them to value what God values. Let’s show them that a life lived for the kingdom is the most fulfilling life of all.

So here is your challenge: Where is God calling you to shine his light? Shine his light for the world to see! 

About the Author

Rachelle Starr is the founder and president of Scarlet Hope, a national Christian organization dedicated to sharing the hope and love of Jesus with women in the adult entertainment industry. As a passionate advocate for engaging the darkness with the light of Christ, Rachelle inspires others to live boldly for the gospel. She is also the author of Outrageous Obedience, where she shares her journey of faith and radical obedience to God’s call. 

#14 Fatherhood: Reflecting the Glory of God

Part 1: The Fatherhood of God First

Human Fatherhood Patterned after Divine Fatherhood

God is named Father in many texts of both the Old and New Testaments. Isaiah prays, “O LORD, you are our Father” (Isa. 64:8). Addressing the reality of a broken world where some face life without the help of a good human father, David reminds us that God “in his holy habitation” is a father of the fatherless (Ps. 68:5). Jesus taught his followers to address God as “Our Father in heaven” (Matt. 6:9), a pattern that also shapes The Lord’s Prayer. Paul said that Christians who have the Spirit of God call God Abba, Father (Rom. 8:14–17; Gal. 4:4–6). This is the same way Jesus addressed God in the Garden of Gethsemane on
the night before he was crucified (Mark 14:46).

Abba is an Aramaic word that is easy to pronounce, and, much like the English word daddy, it was a word learned very early in a child’s development of speech. It is hard to imagine a more intimate or basic instinct for the Christian than referring to God as Father by the revealed name of Father.

It would be natural for us to think that the name Father is applied to God as a metaphor for the intimacy, care, direction, and provision that good earthly fathers provide for their children. On this supposition, the idea of fatherhood would be true of human creatures first and more properly. The name Father would only be true of God by way of a fitting figure of speech. Some have taught that this is how we should understand fatherhood in the Bible, in reference to God. However, Scripture explicitly states that the analogy between divine fatherhood and human fatherhood actually runs the other way.

In Ephesians 3:14–15, Paul says, “For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named.” The word translated “family” by the ESV Bible is the Greek word patria, which means “fatherhood.” The ESV even provides a footnote suggesting that the phrase “every family” could be translated as “all fatherhood.” Consider the passage again, this time with the alternate translation: “For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom all fatherhood in heaven and on earth is named.” Paul is demonstrating that God does not reveal himself as Father because of any correspondence between himself and human fathers. Rather, God gives the name father to humans as
an analogy, a reflection, of who he is. Biblical fatherhood is therefore to be learned and patterned after divine fatherhood, not the other way around.

If all fatherhood derives its name from “our Father in heaven,” then a brief consideration of the significance of Father as a name for God can be instructive as we consider how to be faithful as those named after the true and everlasting Father.

In What Ways Is God a Father?

There are two ways that the Bible applies the name Father to God: (1) the first person of the holy Trinity
is the eternal Father in relation to the second person of the Trinity, who is the Son, and (2) the one triune God is named Father in relation to creatures with whom he is in covenant. Let’s briefly consider both of these ways of calling God Father.

1. The eternal relationship between God the Father and God the Son

This eternal relation takes us right into the heart of the mystery of the Trinity. Don’t let this make you nervous or bothered. Is the glorious doctrine of the Trinity difficult to understand and ultimately beyond our ability to fully comprehend? Yes indeed. But that should not deter us from pursuing greater knowledge of God. Rather, it should delight us! The God we seek to know and understand is beyond the scope and reach of our finite minds. This is precisely why he is worth knowing in the first place. Reflecting on the incomprehensible depths of the knowledge of God, Paul says, “Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways” (Rom. 11:33)!

The second person of the Trinity is named the Son of God because he is begotten of the Father. The Biblical word “only begotten” is used to refer to the Son’s relation to the Father five times in the writings of the Apostle John (John 1:14, 1:18, 3:16, 3:18, and 1 John 4:9). When a child is begotten from his father, that child is, by nature, the same thing that the father is. Human fathers beget human children. By analogy, God the Father begets God the Son. Because both the Father and the Son are truly and fully God, there can be no beginning or end to the fatherhood of God.

The eternal relationship between God the Father and God the Son is similar to that between earthly fathers and their children in very limited ways. On this point, the dissimilarities are far more profound. Many of the characteristics of the father–child relationship among humans simply do not pertain to the eternal Father–Son relation in God. For this reason, the second way the name Father is applied to God will be the focus of this field guide.

2. God is the heavenly Father of his covenant people

It is in this sense that we pray to God as “our Father.” If the first person of the Trinity is called Father because he eternally begets the Son, then the triune God is called Father because he adopts his people as sons in a covenant relationship with himself. Because of the coming of Jesus Christ into the world to accomplish our salvation and because of the sending of the Holy Spirit into the world to apply redemption to our hearts, Christians are adopted children of God in a permanent way.

It is in this covenantal sense that the divine name of Father bears the most similarity to human fatherhood. God is Father as the covenant head in relation to his people. Similarly, though not in exactly the same ways, human fathers are called by God to reflect this pattern of spiritual leadership within their own households. This connection between divine and human fatherhood is foundational to understanding the role of a father in the Bible.

In the next part of this field guide, we will identify ways God’s fatherhood is revealed to us to help us recognize the key roles and responsibilities that human fathers ought to carry out.

Part 2: God as Father to His Covenant Children

Following the pattern of Ephesians 3:14–15 — all fatherhood of God gives meaning to every form of human fatherhood — we will seek to identify ways that God’s covenantal relationship as God as Father
to his people is similar to the relationship a human father bears to his own children. The divine name “Father” reveals to us at least four truths about God and his relationship to his covenant people:

  1. His authority as our Lord (2 John 4).
  2. His care as our provider (Matt. 26:25–34).
  3. His discipline and instruction are one training us in righteousness (Heb. 12:5–11).
  4. His faithfulness as one who will finish what he started by bringing many sons to glory (Heb. 2:10).

Let us briefly explore each of these four truths, noting how each one teaches us about Biblical fatherhood.

God’s Fatherly Authority

God created the entire universe, meaning everything that exists that is not God. The Bible states this plainly in its opening verse: “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth” (Gen. 1:1). God himself is not created by anyone. His existence is necessary, eternal, and utterly independent. As the uncreated Creator of all, God has absolute authority over all creatures. Rational creatures like us (with thinking minds and self-consciousness) owe to God true worship and perfect obedience. Christians are not only created by God but, as we have seen, adopted by God into his family. God is their Father, and they are his children. This covenant relationship offers many benefits and adds beautiful complexity to our relationship with God. But for everything our salvation and adoption add to our relationship with God, it does not take away the fundamental reality of God’s authority. This truth lies at the heart of fatherhood in the Bible.

The Apostle John wrote a very short letter (2 John) to a church and its members — “the elect lady and her children” (v. 1) — to commend them for their faith in Christ and to encourage them to press on in faithfulness to Christ. He said, “I rejoiced greatly to find some of your children walking in the truth, just as we were commanded by the Father” (v. 4). John understands that Christians have a special covenant relationship with God as their Father. As such, he encourages them to continue obeying their Father’s commands. He goes on to say that the obedience of Christians to God as their Father is not a matter of mere duty; it is a matter of love: “This is love, that we walk according to his commandments” (v. 6).

Just as God exercises loving fatherly authority over his children, so God places human fathers in a position of authority over their children. We live in a world where the very notion of authority is despised. It seems no one wants to be under authority, nor to be an authority. All talk of authority and issuing commandments reeks of arrogance and oppression to modern ears. The prevailing anti-authoritarian mindset of our age is one of the most successful lies Satan has peddled among men. If we are attentive
to Scripture, we will see that authority is actually good. God has ordained a hierarchical, authoritative structure for human social order. For human lives and entire societies to flourish in the world, not only must God’s authority be embraced, but so must the God-ordained human authority structures. The most basic of these is the authority structure in the home, which is foundational to a Christian home.

Scripture is clear, in the first place, that there is a relationship of authority (head) and submission between the husband and the wife (Eph. 5:22–33). This flows into the relationship between parents and their children (Eph. 6:1–4). Under the authority of God, a human father is to exercise authority over his wife as a self-sacrificial and loving head of the household. He is also to exercise authority over his children for the children’s well-being before God. Assuming a position of authority in the household is not easy, but it is essential to living out spiritual leadership and faithful fatherhood as God intends.

God’s Fatherly Provision

During his famous Sermon on the Mount, Jesus instructs the crowds concerning God’s benevolent provision for their daily needs. He says,

Therefore, I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Isn’t life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore, do not be anxious, saying, “What shall we eat?” or “What shall we drink?” or “What shall we wear?” For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore, do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble (Matt. 6:25–34, emphasis added).

In giving these instructions, Jesus reasons from the general to the more intimate. God cares broadly for
all of creation. Jesus’ example of God’s provision for the birds and the flowers echoes Psalm 104:10–18, where the psalmist reflects on streams that give drink to animals, trees that shelter birds, and fields that yield food. All of creation is sustained by God’s hand. Yet Jesus presses the point further: God’s care for his people exceeds his care for the rest of creation. The One who provides for birds and flowers is the One believers are invited to call Father. “Your heavenly Father feeds them” (Matt. 6:26). “Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all” (v. 32).

Later in the same sermon, Jesus deepens this truth by appealing to everyday family experience. In Matthew 7:7–11, he compares God’s generosity to that of earthly fathers. Human fathers, though fallen and imperfect, know how to give good gifts to their children. If a child asks for bread, he is not given a stone; if he asks for a fish, he is not given a serpent. Jesus’ conclusion is striking: if flawed human fathers still act generously toward their children, how much more will the Father in heaven give good things to those who ask him.

From this, we learn that provision is a central responsibility of fatherhood. A good father seeks to meet his children’s needs. God’s provision, of course, is unlimited and never uncertain. Human fathers, by contrast, face real limits. They must labor, plan, sacrifice, and persevere to provide for their families. Faithful provision often requires denying oneself comfort, deferring personal desires, and embracing long-term responsibility.

At the same time, Scripture reminds us that no amount of diligence or discipline can guarantee success.
A father’s efforts must always be carried out in humility and dependence on God. Work, planning, and responsibility are necessary, but they are never sufficient on their own. Ultimately, provision comes from the Lord. Human fathers are stewards, not sources. Their confidence rests not in their own strength, but
in trusting the heavenly Father, who alone is able to supply every need according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus (Phil. 4:19).

God’s Fatherly Discipline

Because Christians are adopted by God as sons, we should expect him to discipline us for our good.
Our understanding of discipline should not be reduced to punitive consequences. It is true that good discipline involves punitive consequences, but discipline is not merely punitive. The difference between
a consequence that is merely punitive and a consequence that is disciplinary is found in the intended outcome. The intended outcome of mere punishment is retribution — a just settling of the score.
The intended outcome of discipline is the instruction of the one disciplined. Discipline is intended for
the good of the one who receives it.

The writer of Hebrews reminds Christians of this truth in Hebrews 12:5–11:

In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have
you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord lightly, nor be weary when reproved by him.
For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.”

It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us, and we respected them. Shall we not be much more subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment, all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

The writer of Hebrews wants these Christians to view their hardship as the loving, though often painful, discipline of the Lord, who is treating them as sons because he is a loving Father. Take note of a few things about the Lord’s fatherly discipline from this passage. First, the Lord only disciplines his children. Everyone faces hardship. And everyone is under divine justice, which will be satisfied one day. But only the children of God are being disciplined by him. Those who are not his children will face his punishment, but are not the beneficiaries of his discipline. The text tells us plainly that “The Lord disciplines the one
he loves,” (v. 6) and that those who are without discipline are “illegitimate children and not sons” (v. 8). This is one of the passages that helps us understand that the name Father is not merely naming God as Creator. Rather, there is an important sense in which the name Father is reserved for those in a covenantal relationship to God, which is only true of those who are in Christ by faith.

Secondly, this text reminds us that our heavenly Father’s discipline is “for our good, that we may share his holiness” (v. 10). It is “painful rather than pleasant” in the short-term, but it results in “the peaceful fruit of righteousness” when we “have been trained by it” (v. 11). Again, discipline is not merely punitive, but formative. It trains those who receive it because it is intended for good, which this text defines as the cultivation of holiness.

Thirdly, this text explicitly draws the analogy between the disciplinary function of human fathers and the discipline of the heavenly Father. The writer asks the question, “What son is there whom his father does not discipline?” He goes on to say, “[W]e have had earthly fathers who disciplined us, and we respected them…. For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness” (vv. 9–10). The discipline of earthly fathers is patterned after the loving discipline of our heavenly father. Notice how the writer says that earthly fathers disciplined “as it seemed best to them,” and he contrasts this with the heavenly Father who disciplines us “for our good.” The point of this contrast is to highlight the fallible nature of human fatherly discipline. The goal of discipline for human fathers ought to be the same as the goal of discipline coming from our heavenly Father. But sometimes human fathers fall short of the goal. So, here again, the Scriptures are reminding human fathers that they are to be always looking to heaven for help, always relying on their truly good Father for grace in the task of fatherhood.

God’s Fatherly Faithfulness

Your heavenly Father is committed to finishing the good work he began in his children (see Phil. 1:6). He is faithful. Hebrews 2:10 says, “[I]t was fitting that he, for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons to glory, should make the founder of their salvation perfect through suffering.” In this verse, the writer of Hebrews tells us that God was perfecting the human life of the Lord Jesus — the “founder” of our salvation — through suffering. We must not think of perfecting as fixing something that was defective. Rather, the word for perfection is derived from the Greek word for “complete.” The point is that, in order to accomplish the goal set for him by the eternal plan of God to save his people, the Son of God had to experience human limitations, including the need to grow in both body and mind (cf. Luke 2:42), the suffering of temptation (cf. Heb. 4:15), and the physical agony, pain, and shame of a mortal life that ends in death (cf. Heb. 12:1–3). God perfected Jesus through suffering. But don’t miss the reason for this! Why was it fitting for Jesus to be perfected through suffering? The writer of Hebrews says it was to bring “many sons to glory.”

The incarnation, life, death, and resurrection of the Lord Jesus were not in vain. Because of the suffering of the “founder of their salvation,” our heavenly Father is bringing many sons to glory. He does not leave you to your own resources. He does not abandon you in your pain. Your heavenly Father, who made the founder of salvation perfect through suffering, will perfect you through suffering as well. He will remain faithful, bringing you safely to glory.

Our heavenly Father’s faithfulness to us from beginning to end has a fitting analogy in human fatherhood. First, God’s faithfulness to his children involves a goal, a purpose for all his loving acts and care toward them. Similarly, human fathers should have a goal for their children toward which they are leading and serving. I do not mean that human fathers should plan out the temporal details of their children’s lives, such as what talents they will develop and what vocations they will pursue. Rather, I mean that human fathers should embrace God’s goal for his children as their own goal for their children. Human fathers must be goal-oriented, and the goal must be the overall spiritual good of their children, that is, their holiness and eventual entrance into glory.

Second, God works without ceasing until the goal is accomplished. In the same way, faithful human fathers will not give up fighting, working, persuading, fasting, and praying for the salvation of their children and their lifelong growth and development in holiness on the pathway to glory. This perseverance lies at the heart of Biblical fatherhood and faithful spiritual leadership in the home.

The Importance of Beginning with God

I hope that framing this discussion in terms of learning from the fatherhood of God helps you feel the weight and the glory of human fatherhood. Fatherhood is a vocation — a calling — that is carried out, not only coram deo, in the presence of God, and sub dei, under the authority of God, but also imitatio dei, by the imitation of God. God is the one who created human beings as his image bearers and gave to men the particular possibility of fulfilling that vocation in a way that corresponds to, arguably, the most basic and intimate name by which believers refer to God as Father.

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Discussion & Reflection:

  1. In what ways does God’s fatherly authority, provision, discipline and instruction, and faithfulness inform the way human fatherhood ought to look?
  2. Can you think of any human fathers who are good examples of these?

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Part 3: Preparing for Fatherhood by Progressing in Godliness

Being the right kind of father is downstream from being the right kind of Man of God. Whether you are a young man who hopes to be a father one day or are currently a father hoping to be encouraged and instructed along the way, I hope this next section gives you some idea of the qualities that characterize a Godly man.

What Is Godliness?

Godliness, as an English word, is derived from two words, God and likeness. Thus, one might conclude that Godliness means “being like God.” In a limited way, that idea is certainly contained in the meaning. The word Godliness, though, encompasses more than just the limited ways in which we are “like God.” It encompasses all the ways that we are to live as redeemed people, joyfully obeying the Word of God with the help of the Holy Spirit. In short, Godliness may be defined as living the Christian life faithfully in accordance with the teaching of Scripture. Perfect Godliness is a goal we will never fully reach in this life, but it is something toward which we are always striving.

The Need for Training in Godliness

The Apostle Paul said to Timothy,

Have nothing to do with irreverent, silly myths. Rather, train yourself for Godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, Godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance. For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe. Command and teach these things. (1 Tim. 4:7–11) Take note of just two salient points in this passage. First, progress in Godliness is not something that happens by default. You must “train yourself for Godliness” (v. 7). The Greek word translated “train” was primarily used for athletes training for intense athletic contests. Athletic performance and skill do not automatically develop and improve. Rather, athletes devote time and attention to developing their skills and increasing their strength for the sake of excelling in competition. If an athlete stops training, choosing to trust in raw talent or past training efforts, not only will he not improve, but he will actually get worse. His strength, endurance, and skill will all decrease with time. There is no sustaining by stagnating for an athlete. As it goes for the athlete, so it goes for the Christian. Godliness is something that must be pursued actively and intentionally, even sacrificially and painfully at times, which is why Paul says, “To this end (Godliness) we toil (work hard) and strive (agonize)” (v. 10).

Second, training yourself in Godliness is a prerequisite to teaching others to be Godly. Paul tells Timothy to train himself (v. 7) before telling him, “Command and teach these things” (v. 11). Not only that, but Paul reminds Timothy that he himself practices these things before teaching them to Timothy. Paul writes, “To this end, we toil and strive” (v. 10). The relevance of this observation for fatherhood is obvious. Fathers must instruct their children in the ways of the Lord (Eph. 6:4). That is, fathers must “command and teach” Godliness, but training in Godliness is a prerequisite to teaching Godliness.

Practical Steps to Train for Godliness

You may be thinking, “What are some practical steps I can be taking to actively train myself in Godliness?” What follows is a list of practical training exercises. Each one is a habit that needs to be formed in your life to progress in Godliness. The list is not meant to be exhaustive, but representative. Training for Godliness involves more than this list, but it does not involve less. The discussion following each item is not meant to be comprehensive, and there are other resources available from The Mentoring Project to give more detail with respect to each of the items listed below.

1. Training for Godliness includes the regular intake of the Word of God

In Psalm 119:9, the psalmist asks, “How can a young man keep his way pure?” He answers, “By keeping it according to your word.” He goes on, in verse 11, to say, “I have stored up your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.” Do you desire to be a Godly man in order that you might serve the Lord and your family as a faithful father? Then you must be a man of the Word.

Every day, a flood of information, appeals, advertisements, and philosophies pours into your mind through a variety of floodgates—social media, major media, music, movies, books, conversations, emails, billboards, and images. This flood is, for the most part, not reflective of divinely revealed truth, but is contrary to it. A flood shapes the land over which it washes. It carves gullies for future water flow; it erodes landscapes; it demolishes structures. Whether you realize it or not (and perhaps especially if you don’t), this flood of messages is shaping your mind.

What hope do you have to be trained in Godliness if you are not actively countering worldly messaging with divine messaging? Only Scripture can flood your mind, your whole self, with the very Word of God (see 2 Tim. 3:16–17). By committing time and attention to Scripture on a daily basis, you are carving the right kind of channels—deep and lasting—to direct the flow of influence according to truth. This is foundational to spiritual leadership in the home and essential to Biblical fatherhood.

Scripture intake can happen in a number of ways. The most obvious is to pick up a Bible and read it. Have you ever read through the entire Bible? At an average reading pace, most people can read the entire Bible in one year in less than twenty minutes per day. I recommend finding a reading plan that guides you through the whole counsel of God.

Another means of Scripture intake is listening to Scripture. Many apps include audio versions of the Bible, allowing God’s Word to shape your thinking while you drive, exercise, or prepare for sleep. This method is especially helpful for memorization. Scripture can also be internalized through memorizing passages and thoughtfully repeating them. Finally, Scripture should be received through the public reading and preaching of the Word in corporate worship and through family devotions, where fathers model a life shaped by God’s truth and help to train up a child in the ways of the Lord.

2. Training in Godliness includes a regular pattern of attending corporate worship in your local church.

Hebrews 10:24–25 says, “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” The writer of Hebrews tells Christians that meeting together for the purpose of encouraging one another and urging one another toward Godliness is an essential practice of the people of God. Attending worship regularly with a local church surely does not make you a Christian. But a Godly Christian surely attends worship in a local church.

If you are not a member of a local church that believes, teaches, and obeys the Bible, then that is a glaring deficiency in your Christian life and a hindrance to your progress in Godliness. As such, it will be a hindrance to your faithfulness as a father. Find a faithful church, and follow its steps to become a member. If you are a part of a local church, do not underestimate the importance of that connection for your Christian life. The Lord Jesus Christ manifests his presence in a special way in the gathering of the people of God in the name of Jesus (Matt. 18:20). If you want to take Godliness (and fatherhood) seriously, commit to a local church.

3. Training in Godliness includes regular prayer.

When Paul told the Thessalonians to “pray without ceasing” (1 Thess. 5:17), he was not advising that they be, every moment, in a prayerful state. Rather, he was admonishing them to continue to be people of regular prayer. We could paraphrase his words, “Do not ever give up praying.” Paul knew that the evil one seeks to beleaguer God’s people to the point that they grow weary and worldly, thus losing their vigilance. Prayerlessness is one of the first signs of waning Godliness, and it surely is a harbinger of ineffectiveness in service. If you would train yourself in godliness, you must be a person of disciplined, regular prayer.

Being a man of prayer involves a warrior’s mindset about the reality of heavenly glory and the evil of the present age. The Scriptures are very clear that the Christian life is a life of warfare against evil forces bent on our destruction (see Eph. 6:10–18, 1 Pet. 5:8). Effective and meaningful prayers are uttered by those who understand the urgency of this battle. James 4:2b–3 says, “You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.” Commenting on this passage, John Piper says:

The number one reason why prayer malfunctions in the hands of a believer is that they try to turn a wartime walkie-talkie into a domestic intercom. Until you believe that life is war, you cannot know what prayer is for. Prayer is for the accomplishment of a wartime mission.1

Being a Godly man and father will require you to be a person who prays urgently and without ceasing.

1. Training in Godliness as men includes cultivating Biblically shaped masculinity.

In an age of massive confusion and delusion regarding gender and sexuality, a term like “Biblically shaped masculinity” needs some definition. What I mean by that term is the character qualities and patterns of behavior that are particularly appropriate to men, as taught in Scripture. A man who trains himself for the purpose of Godliness will intentionally seek to cultivate character qualities and patterns of behavior that are appropriate to the roles he is called upon to play as a man.

Leadership is one such quality/pattern. Because Scripture teaches that God’s normative design for men is that they become husbands and fathers (Gen. 1:28 and 2:24), and because God intends married men to lead their wives (Eph. 5:22–23) and children (Eph. 6:1–4) in ways appropriate to those relationships, all men should be cultivating the skill of leadership so that they can practice that pattern of behavior effectively in their homes. Furthermore, because God designed men to exercise headship in the cultivation and care of creation (Gen. 2:15–16), it is right and good for men to cultivate and exercise the skills of leadership in a wide variety of ways.

Furthermore, Godly men must cultivate the disciplines of self-control and gentleness in the exercise of their leadership responsibilities. In a fallen world, all men have corrupted natures that incline them toward overbearing domination — the exercise of their greater strength to gain control of others for personal gain. This is not the Biblical way of leadership. Jesus warns that the leaders of Gentile nations “lord it over” those under their authority. However, the citizens of God’s kingdom lead by pursuing the best interests of those under their authority, even at great personal cost to themselves. All Christians are to be characterized by the qualities of self-control and gentleness (Gal. 5:22–23), but men in particular must harness these fruits of the Spirit in their exercise of authority so that their leadership is not worldly domination but Godly, goal-oriented, servanthood.

2. Training in Godliness includes regular confession and repentance.

We are called to perfection (Matt. 5:48). We cannot achieve perfection in this present age because sin will not be entirely eradicated from our hearts until we are glorified at the return of Jesus. In the present, there is a war within us between the work of the Spirit, directing us toward righteousness, and the power of our sinful flesh, compelling us to wickedness (see Rom. 7:22–23 and Gal. 5:16–23).

Even though we know we cannot achieve perfection in the present age, we nevertheless ought to long for it and strive for it. Philippians 3:12–14 says:

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

A major part of “pressing on” and “straining forward” toward the completion of your spiritual growth and progress involves responding properly to sin. Christians commit sins. But true Christians experience the merciful, though painful, conviction of the Holy Spirit, which reveals the truth about our sin and leads us to repentance. First John 1:8–9 is instructive in this regard: “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” The person who is training himself in Godliness is a person who makes a habit of confessing sin.

I will never forget one of the most lasting impressions made on me by reading The Chronicles of Narnia for the first time as a young adult. On many occasions, Aslan, the great lion, would gently but firmly confront one of the Pevensie children for something they had done wrong. Inevitably, the child would make some excuse, as though the sinful act was not his fault. Or perhaps, some detail would be omitted from the story to make the sin seem more civil and less selfish than it really was. Aslan would always respond with a low growl. Whoever it was — Edmund, Lucy, Susan, Peter — would always get the message. Tell the whole truth about your sin. Call it what it is. Only then can you really find joy in the forgiveness that is yours.

Being a Godly man who cultivates the habits of training for Godliness is the single most important thing you can do in preparation for becoming a father in the future or being a better father now. Men, train yourself for Godliness.

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Discussion & Reflection:

  1. Are spiritual disciplines a regular part of your life? In what ways can you grow in these habits?
  2. One helpful way to grow in discipleship is through accountability. Who’s someone you could invite to help hold you accountable for these?

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Part 4: Exercising Headship as a Faithful Father

The most extensive instruction in all of Scripture regarding family relationships within the household is found in Ephesians 5:18–6:4. In 5:18, Paul instructs the Ephesian church to “be filled with the Spirit.” This phrase — filled with the Spirit — like the similar phrases in Luke and Acts — refers to a state in which a Christian surrenders to the Holy Spirit and orders his life according to the clear teaching of Scripture for the exaltation of Christ in everything. For Paul, the command “be filled with the Spirit” seems to be synonymous with the command “Walk in the Spirit” in Galatians 5:16–23.

After commanding Christians to be filled with the Spirit, Paul gives a series of explanations of the effects of such a filling. Those who are filled with the Spirit are worshipful toward God (v. 19), grateful to God (v. 20), and willing to submit to others according to the structured relationships of authority and submission that God has built into the human social order, especially in the Christian home (v. 21).

Beginning with verse 22, Paul gives his specific instructions for households. He begins with instructions for the husband-wife relationship (vv. 22–33) and immediately follows with the parent-child relationship (6:1–4). The primary title by which the apostle addresses the man is that of “head.” Paul says, “The husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church” (v. 23). Later, Paul addresses the head of the household in his specific vocation as a father (6:4), but all of Paul’s instructions in this passage concerning headship are relevant to fatherhood.

Fatherly Headship as Loving Servanthood

Paul instructs wives to “submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord” (Eph. 5:22) precisely because the husband is the head of the wife (v. 23). The instruction to wives regarding submission makes plain that the position of headship is a position of authority and leadership. However, before talking about the task of being a leader as the head of the household, we need to consider the exact command Paul gave to husbands in this passage.

After reading that the wife is to submit to her husband, who is the head, we might expect to read, “Husbands, lead your wives,” or some other language that makes the authority of headship explicit. But that is not what we find. Rather, Paul says, “Husbands, love your wives.” While authority is assumed, the instruction of love is the focal point of Paul’s command to husbands.

Some have tried to argue from this that headship must not mean authority or leadership. But this misunderstands both the passage itself and the broader teaching of Scripture. Paul commands husbands to love, not because he is rejecting authority, but because he has learned from Jesus what true spiritual leadership looks like.

Godly leadership is not about barking out orders to get your way. Godly leadership is servanthood. It means that a faithful leader makes decisions and gives direction for the good of those under his care. This is the calling of a Biblical husband and, by extension, of every father who leads a household.

The example of Jesus is stated most clearly in verse 25, where Paul says that husbands are to love their wives “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Christ did not cease to be Lord by laying down his life. Rather, he showed how authority is exercised faithfully — through self-giving love. Jesus came “not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Matt. 20:28).

The loving leadership of the head of the household also applies to the relationship between father and children. In Ephesians 6:1, Paul tells children, “Obey your parents in the Lord.” Note that children are commanded to obey both parents, indicating that parenting is intended to be a joint effort between a husband and a wife. Nevertheless, it is fathers who are given the positive instruction regarding how parents are to lead the children. Paul writes, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). This verse places primary responsibility for leadership on the father, while clearly assuming the active and indispensable involvement of the mother.

This pattern follows what we see in Genesis 1:26–28 and 2:18–24, which Paul has in mind when giving these household instructions (he explicitly quotes Gen. 2:24 in Eph. 5:31). Man and woman are both created as image bearers and together are commanded to exercise dominion (Gen. 1:28). Yet in Genesis 2, the woman is created as a helper corresponding to the man, while the man receives the covenantal instructions from the Lord regarding the responsibilities of the garden. In the same way, Scripture presents Biblical fatherhood as carrying primary responsibility for leadership in the home, with mothers helping and supporting that leadership in unity.

Paul’s first instruction to fathers is striking: “Do not provoke your children to anger.” This command reveals that spiritual leadership in the home is never harsh, self-centered, or careless. A father is not to lead by indifference to his children’s needs, nor by the pursuit of his own preferences. Just as a husband is called to lead his wife through self-giving love, so a father is called to lead his children by seeking their good as defined by the Word of God. Only after establishing this loving posture does Paul add the positive command: “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

The warning against provoking children to anger is rich with insight. A father’s goal is not to dominate or “lord it over” his children (cf. Matt. 20:25–28), but to guide them toward Godliness. This requires attentiveness. Fathers must know their children—their temperaments, fears, weaknesses, patterns of sin, and strengths. Such knowledge enables discipline and instruction that are effective rather than embittering, corrective rather than crushing.

All children require discipline and instruction, and all are commanded to obey their parents. Yet the manner in which a father exercises authority requires wisdom shaped by love. What helps one child grow may discourage another. Faithful fatherhood, therefore, demands thoughtful, prayerful leadership that adapts without compromising truth. As we move forward to consider authority, discipline, and instruction in greater detail, this foundational principle must not be neglected: love expressed through servanthood. When that foundation is ignored, every other aspect of leadership in the home is undermined.

Fatherly Headship as Authoritative Leadership

The God-given position of head entails authority. As a head of household, a father must exercise authority over his children. Not every man is called or equipped to be a leader with authority in his workplace, his church, or his community. Different men are given different gifts and abilities to work and serve effectively in different ways. Those who are gifted in areas of leadership and occupy such positions outside the home are not necessarily more manly or more Godly than those who do not. But when it comes to the home, God equips all men who are the head of household to be leaders, exercising authority. If you are a married man, you are the head of your wife. If you are a man with children, you are in a position of authority over them.

If a man refuses to exercise authority in his home, he is refusing to obey God. Some men need to be reminded that Godly authority is conducted in selfless love rather than selfish domination. Other men need to be prompted to actually embrace the position of authority to which they are called. Men, do not neglect your responsibility to obey God by exercising authority over your family.

Fatherly Headship as Discipline

When Paul instructs fathers to “bring up” their children, he identifies two means for accomplishing that end: discipline and instruction (Eph. 6:4). Let’s take each in turn. I argued earlier in this field guide that discipline is more than mere punishment. It has the ultimate well-being and formation of the one being disciplined in view. We are disciplined by God “for our good” and in order that we might “share his holiness” (Heb. 12:10). Thus, discipline is instruction of a particular kind. Specifically, discipline is instruction that takes the form of punitive consequences. For, in the same passage that tells us discipline is for our good, we are told, “For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant” (Heb. 12:11).

The book of Proverbs has a great deal to teach God’s people about fatherhood because much of its content is written by King Solomon to his son. Those words, inspired by the Holy Spirit, are meant to be instructive to all fathers and all sons. One of the oft-repeated themes of the father-child relationship in Proverbs is discipline. In particular, Proverbs identifies two distinct kinds of discipline: the rod and the rebuke.

In Proverbs, “the rod” refers to a stick or staff used to strike someone as a form of punishment. Generally speaking, Proverbs teaches that the rod is intended for the back of fools, that is, people who lack wisdom or sense (see Prov. 10:13 and 26:3). In Proverbs, wisdom is the fruit of an appropriate fear and knowledge of God (Prov. 1:7, 9:10). So, foolishness is the opposite of knowing and fearing God. By the wisdom God granted him, Solomon knew that foolishness (sometimes translated as folly) is ingrained in children from the beginning. Solomon’s father David, once lamented, “Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me” (Ps. 51:5). Ever since the sin of Adam in the Garden of Eden, all children have come into this world “dead in trespasses and sins” (Eph. 2:1–3). For this reason, Solomon understood that the rod, which is generally a good means of punishing fools for their folly, is a perfectly fitting instrument for the discipline of children as well. He wrote, “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him” (Prov. 22:15). In another Proverb, we read, “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol” (Prov. 23:13–14).

In these passages, God’s Word is instructing fathers to use corporal punishment (or spanking) in the discipline of their children. Contrary to the folly of the vast majority of advisers in the world today, Biblical fatherhood teaches that spanking a child does not result in the child’s harm but in the child’s ultimate good, potentially aiding in the miracle of saving his soul. Of course, the use of corporal punishment can be harmful if done by a parent without self-control and in a vengeful spirit. But a father who is intentionally imitating God as Father and His fatherly care for his children will discipline his child for the child’s good, keeping in view the goal of long-term formation in holiness. An intentionally administered spanking on the back end of a child is a divinely given method of discipline that seems painful for the moment, but in the long-term, it “yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it” (Heb. 12:11).

The other form of discipline identified in Proverbs is the rebuke. While the rod is a physical form of punishment, the rebuke is a verbal form of punishment. A rebuke is a spoken word of disapproval in response to a wrong done. A rebuke identifies sinful behavior and calls it what it really is — despicable in the sight of God and shameful in the sight of man. A rebuke is only effective when spoken to one who cares about approval, one who has a conscience sensitive enough to feel an appropriate sense of shame. In other words, a rebuke assumes some degree of wisdom in the heart of the one rebuked. Proverbs 13:1 says, “A wise son hears his father’s instruction, but a scoffer (another word for a fool) does not listen to rebuke.” Or consider Proverbs 17:10, which says, “A rebuke goes deeper into a man of understanding than a hundred blows into a fool.” For this reason, a rebuke tends to be more effective as children age. Ideally, as a child matures, the use of “rebuke” as a disciplinary measure increases in effectiveness so that the use of the “rod” as a disciplinary tool can decrease proportionately.

Fatherly Headship as Instruction

In addition to discipline, Paul identifies “instruction” as a means of bringing children up in the Lord (Eph. 6:4). While discipline is a form of instruction that uses punitive measures, the word translated “instruction” in this verse refers specifically to teaching with words. Discipline takes place in response to sin, but instruction can take place at any time. Fathers have the particular responsibility to oversee this process.

The Scriptures are full of admonitions to parents to teach their children. Parents are to teach their children wisdom for living in this world, and, more importantly, to teach them who God is and who they are in relation to God. The fifth commandment tells children to honor your father and their mother (Ex. 20:12). This commandment assumes that parents will teach their children about God and how to live rightly in his world. This is why the commandment in Exodus is associated with the promise of long life in the land. The logic of the command and promise is not difficult to discern. Parents teach their children the law of the Lord. As children obey their parents’ teaching, they are obeying the Lord’s commands, which their parents teach them. The result of keeping the Lord’s commands is long life in the land.

Deuteronomy 6:6–7 makes this logic explicit by calling on parents to teach the law of the Lord to their children: “And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” Notice that Moses gives specific instructions concerning when and how the Word of the Lord is to be taught to children. First, at the end of v. 7, he says, “when you lie down, and when you rise.” These are the activities that bookend the day. The point of this expression is to say that a parent’s task of teaching children is something that continues throughout the course of the day from beginning to end. There will be no shortage of opportunities for parents to teach their children the ways of God if only we will pay attention and keep the Lord’s Word always on our own hearts (v. 6).

Secondly, Moses says that this instruction is to take place “when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way.” The phrase, “when you sit in your house” is likely a reference to formal instruction in the home when everyone is gathered for this purpose. In the ancient world, times of formal instruction involved the teacher sitting down to address his audience (quite different from our habit today in which formal speakers stand before an audience). Probably, what Moses has in view are times when the family gathers for the reading of God’s Word and for some measure of instruction from it. Some today refer to such times as “family worship.” Whatever you call it, what’s important is that you do it. Parents have a duty to see to it that their children have habits of receiving from them the formal teaching of God’s Word. The phrase “when you walk by the way” likely refers to the kind of teaching that takes place in the midst of daily life.

When Paul tells Christian fathers to “bring up” their children in “the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4), he teaches that this parental responsibility for discipline and instruction is a burden that falls more squarely on fathers than on anyone else. Certainly, mothers engage in discipline and instruction, but ideally, it is the father who should be responsible, by example and by leadership, for cultivating a home in which such discipline and instruction are the norm.

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Discussion & Reflection:

  1. Which aspect of fatherly headship — between loving servanthood, authoritative leadership, discipline, and instruction — could you grow the most in? Assess with your wife (and maybe your children!) how you’re doing in these areas.
  2. How are you able to put Deuteronomy 6:6–7 into practice in your family?

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Conclusion

As my oldest son walked back down the aisle with his new bride, the pensive analysis of my role as a father went into full swing. My profound conclusion after days of such introspection? I am not the perfect father. While there are many examples of my fatherly actions aligning with the guidance I’ve offered here, there are also countless examples of my failure to do so. In fatherhood, as in all things, I have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Rom. 3:23). At times I have exercised authority selfishly instead of in love; at other times I have abdicated authority, preferring instead to ignore areas where my leadership was needed. At times, I have disciplined my children out of sinful anger and selfishness; at other times, I have neglected to discipline them out of laziness. At times, I have missed opportunities to instruct my children while walking with them in the way; at other times, I have neglected to gather them together for family devotions as I sit in the house.

If you have any experience as a Man of God, I imagine you would feel compelled to make the same confession. Perhaps your situation seems even more dire. Maybe your family does not fit the pattern described in Ephesians 5–6 (a husband and a wife with their children living with them in the home). Maybe you are a single father for any number of reasons. Maybe your children do not live with you presently, but are regularly cared for by someone else. Whether it is the repeated shortcomings of a sincere Biblical husband or a more pronounced pattern of brokenness in the home, the fact remains: As Christian fathers, we fall woefully short of what we ought to be.

In light of this fact, I close with two words of admonition. First, though we acknowledge that we will fall short of the ideal of Christian fatherhood, we must never grow weary of striving toward it as a goal. What Paul said about perfected Godliness is true of fatherhood as well: “Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 3:13b–14).

Secondly, the Gospel of Jesus Christ proclaims the forgiveness of sins and explains why we can call God our Abba Father in a special, covenantal way. As you seek to imitate the covenantal fatherhood of God, you do so as one who has been forgiven by him for all your sins. You seek to imitate God as one who knows your limitations and feels keenly the fact that you are not God. So, in your weakness as a father, look to the one who is not weak as a Father. In your failures, look to the Father who does not fail. In your fatigue, look to the Father who does not grow tired or weary. May the one true and living God give you grace to be the kind of father your children need, a father who leads them to the father of the fatherless.

Endnotes

  1. https://www.desiringgod.org/messages/prayer-the-work-of-missions

About the Author

KYLE CLAUNCH is the husband of Ashley and the father of six children. He has more than twenty years of experience serving in vocational pastoral ministry in the local church. He is currently an elder at Kenwood Baptist Church where he regularly teaches Sunday School and serves as an instructor for the newly formed Kenwood Institute. Kyle is also Associate Professor of Christian Theology at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, KY where he has served since 2017.

#13 What is Marriage: A Biblical Guide to Love and Unity

Part 1: What is marriage?

We’ve briefly looked at four characteristics of marriage as portrayed in God’s Word. But we’ve waited to talk about the purpose of marriage. What does it all mean? Why did God institute marriage in the first place?

To Display Christ’s Relationship with the Church

We see signs throughout the Old Testament that marriage is a metaphor for God’s relationship with his people. The prophet Isaiah encourages Israel by reminding them, “Your Maker is your husband” (Is. 54:5). In the book of Jeremiah, God scathingly refers to Israel’s faithlessness as adultery and playing the whore (Jer. 3:8). Yet the prophet Hosea assures Israel that God will betroth them to himself forever (Hos. 2:19–20).

But it’s not until we get to the New Testament that God fully reveals the “mystery” that was hidden until Christ came: Marriage points to the relationship between Jesus and his bride, the church.

As Paul writes, “‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church” (Eph. 5:31–32).

When God wanted to communicate the intensity, depth, beauty, power, and unchanging nature of Christ’s relationship with those he redeemed, he instituted marriage. No other relationship so fully mirrors God’s ultimate purposes in the universe as the lifelong covenant between a husband and his wife. It’s a living, breathing illustration of the Gospel of grace.

It’s true that God describes his relationship with us in other ways: a father to his children (Is. 63:16), a master to his servant (Is. 49:3), a shepherd to his flock (Ps. 23:1), a friend to a friend (John 15:15). But at the beginning of the Bible and at the very end, it’s a bride and a groom.

And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place
of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away” (Rev. 21:2–4).

Here, at the end of history, we see the aim of history. God is finally dwelling with his people, and it’s a husband and his bride — Jesus and the church — enjoying a perfect union forever.

Every wedding in this life, as magnificent as some might be, pales in comparison to the marriage supper of the Lamb yet to come (Rev. 19:9). Marriage represents a love so glorious, so enduring, so powerful, so joy-filled, it will take your breath away. And this becomes even clearer  when we see it from God’s perspective:

– At a wedding, we see two flawed individuals promising to love each other for as long as they live. God sees Jesus promising to love his people for eternity. This contrast helps us understand what is marriage from God’s perspective.
– At a wedding, we see two individuals saying “I do,” not knowing what lies ahead. God sees Jesus, before time began, saying “I do,” knowing exactly what would come. This reflects the deeper Christian marriage meaning rooted in divine purpose rather than human certainty.
– At a wedding, we see a beautiful wedding and reception that will be over in a few hours. God sees
an eternal banquet of joy, peace, and love, celebrating the union of Christ and his bride, made spotless through the atoning work of Christ (Rev. 19:9). These Bible verses about marriage lift our eyes beyond
the ceremony to eternal realities.

This means marriage isn’t ultimately about us. It can’t be, because marriages in this life are temporary. Though lovers may promise eternal devotion to one another, in the new heavens and earth, “they
neither marry nor are given in marriage” (Matt. 22:30). Being husband and wife is about the privilege of displaying to a lost and watching world the faithfulness, holiness, passion, mercy, perseverance, and joy that characterize the eternal relationship between Jesus and those he died to save. This is the true purpose of marriage revealed throughout marriage in the Bible.

To Make Us More Like Christ

Given how glorious marriage is, it should be evident that none of us is up to the assignment! That was especially true in my case. I often look back on our wedding day and wonder what led me to think I was ready to get married. I was proud, self-centered, immature, lazy, and confused. Not to mention poor.

But in God’s kindness, he uses Biblical marriage to conform us to the image of his Son (Rom. 8:29). We don’t stay the same person. Of course, God can change us when we’re single. But marriage in the Bible brings a new set of challenges that range from the silly (which way to hang the toilet paper, how to get somewhere, what determines “messy”), to the significant (where to live, what church to join, how to spend your money). Decisions once made on our own now involve another person. And that person happens to sleep in your bed!

God’s instructions to husband and wife in the New Testament show us what kind of change he’s after. Wives are to submit to and respect their husbands (Eph. 5:22, 33). Husbands are commanded to love
their wives, to give themselves up for them, and to cherish them as their own bodies (Eph. 5:25, 28–29). Peter says wives are to be subject to their husbands and focus on an internal, rather than external, beauty (1 Pet. 3:1–3). He says husbands are to pursue understanding their wives (rather than assume they know what they’re thinking), and to view them as co-heirs of God’s grace (1 Pet. 3:7). These specific commands, often summarized under Ephesians 5 marriage, go against the grain of our sinful tendencies as men and women, and at the same time assure us that God wants to use our spouse to change us. Are you looking for opportunities to be less selfish, proud, angry, independent, domineering, and impatient? This is part
of the purpose of marriage.

But confronting our sin isn’t the only way God changes us in a Godly marriage. It also provides a context for modeling and experiencing firsthand the kind of love, mercy, and grace that Christ has shown us.
In the context of companionship, forgiveness in marriage, encouragement, and kindness, God softens
our hearts and deepens spiritual intimacy, wooing us by his Spirit into the likeness of Christ.

To Expand God’s Kingdom

Up to this point, we haven’t touched on how children fit into the Christian marriage meaning. But throughout Scripture, children are seen as a reward, a joy, and something for which we should pray
(Ps. 113:9; 127:3; Gen. 25:21). Barrenness is described alternatively as a cause for grief or a sign of discipline (1 Sam. 1:6–7; Gen. 20:18). God brings husband and wife together so that they might be
fruitful and multiply, filling the earth with other image-bearers who will bring him glory (Gen. 1:22, 28).

That doesn’t mean a childless couple is sinning or outside of God’s will. Some couples are unable to conceive. Others have chosen to delay having children for various reasons. One can’t say that to be truly fulfilled, a husband and wife must bear children. But the family remains one of the surest and most fulfilling contexts for raising disciples who will be ambassadors for Christ as they grow older, reflecting the enduring vision of marriage for life.

—

Discussion & Reflection:

  1. Were any of the purposes of marriage in this chapter new to you? Are any of them particularly challenging to your understanding of what is marriage?
  2. If you’re married, how do you seek to display these purposes? If you’re not yet married, how would you hope to display them?

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Part 2: What Is Marriage For?

It’s likely that some people reading this field guide are single. So I want to talk about the season between friendship and engagement and how it relates to Biblical marriage. How does someone navigate that potentially awkward, tense, uncomfortable, anxiety-producing time? Does it have to be that confusing?
Is there a Biblical process rooted in the purpose of marriage?

As my opening story made evident, I didn’t have a clue what I was doing when Julie and I were dating. But after walking our six kids through weddings, and talking to hundreds of singles preparing for Christian marriage, it’s a lot clearer than it used to be!

The Bible describes three basic relationships as adults: friends, engaged, and married. Each one involves a commitment that ultimately prepares us for husband and wife life.

– In friendship, we commit to serving the Lord and others.
– In engagement, we commit to marry someone.
– In marriage, we commit to fulfilling God’s purposes as a husband or wife within marriage in the Bible.

It’s tempting to create a new category between the first two. We even come up with unique names for it: dating, courtship, super-friendship, pre-discovery, having a special friend, and being intentionally involved.

Whatever we call it, it’s not a new status with special privileges like physical intimacy—which Scripture reserves for Biblical marriage—or authority over one another’s schedules. We’re engaging in a new pursuit that will hopefully enable us to discern God’s will while honoring God’s boundaries regarding premarital sex. Essentially, we remain friends who are committed to discovering whether or not this is the person we want to spend our lives with in a Godly marriage. Here are some principles that can guide us along the way of discovery.

Know What It Means to Be a Friend

God speaks specifically to what kinds of friendships glorify him, and those commands don’t become irrelevant when we’re exploring whether or not someone could be a future spouse within Christian marriage meaning. They become our foundation.

– “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Prov. 18:24). Friends care about you specifically and personally.
– “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Prov. 17:17). Friends aren’t fickle or fair-weather. They stick around during hard times.
– “A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends” (Prov. 16:28). Friends don’t gossip or slander about each other.
– “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy” (Prov. 27:6). Friends tell you the truth about yourself for your good.
– “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel” (Prov. 27:9). Friendships are strengthened and sweetened by intentional conversation.

Romans 12:9–11 sheds more light on what God-honoring friendships look like and how they prepare us for Biblical marriage:

“Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord” (Rom. 12:9–11).

In other words, the primary focus of a friendship is serving, not selfishness; encouraging, not enticing; preparing, not playing. Friendship is to be characterized by authenticity, Godliness, honor, zeal, and service—virtues essential for a future husband and wife relationship. In fact, the more we aim to serve others, the more opportunities we find for relationships to develop.

But what happens when you meet someone you think could be a potential spouse? Before we even begin to ask whether he or she is the one, we need to ask ourselves, “Could I be the one for someone else?” If the answer is “no,” then you don’t even need to be thinking about what is marriage yet.

In his book Single, Dating, Engaged, Married, Ben Stuart describes those two approaches as the difference between a consumer mentality and a companion mentality. As a consumer, I think about what I want, what I’m looking for, and what will serve me. It’s a short-sighted, self-centered perspective that turns people into products. But people aren’t products. They’re human beings made in the image of God, worthy of the dignity reflected in Biblical marriage.

In contrast, a companion mentality realizes: I have something to contribute to the relationship, and it asks if I can contribute meaningfully to a life together with this person, not if they simply check all my boxes.

So let’s assume you’re in a position to start looking for a spouse. At some point, you find a person you’re attracted to. It may be their Godliness, their laugh, their appearance, their humility, or the way they serve. You like this person and want to be with them more, potentially discerning a future marriage covenant meaning grounded in Scripture.

What happens next looks different for men and women. Generally, men are the ones who initiate, and women are the ones who respond. But we’re going to look at six characteristics in this time of pursuit and exploration that will serve both genders as they prepare for Christian marriage advice in the next sections.

1. Pursue with Humility

It’s not uncommon for couples to be well into a relationship before they think about seeking counsel. Maybe we trust ourselves, don’t want others to tell us it’s a bad idea, or are excited that someone actually likes us. But Scripture tells us that, “Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered” (Prov. 28:26).

The number of singles who have humbly sought counsel about a new relationship is dwarfed by those who pursued a relationship independently and ended up in self-centeredness, sadness, or sin. This kind of humility is foundational Christian marriage advice, even before marriage begins.

Ask your friends, parents, small-group leader, or pastor whether it’s wise to explore a relationship with this individual. Keep them up to date for accountability, encouragement, and prayer—practices that often grow into lifelong prayers for marriage. And make sure you’re asking people who will be brutally honest with you!

2. Pursue with Prayer

James promises, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him” (James 1:5). Exploring the potential of marrying someone requires a great deal of wisdom. But it’s important to distinguish between praying for wisdom and praying God would make a certain person your future spouse. I’ve known individuals in a relationship who only prayed it would lead to marriage. But that’s not praying for wisdom. It’s asking for a result. Humble prayer says we’re willing to hear from God as to whether or not a particular person could be our spouse in a Biblical marriage.

3. Pursue with Integrity

God tells us that, “Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out” (Prov. 10:9). Walking in integrity means being clear about what’s happening in your relationship.

A girl (or a guy) shouldn’t be wondering why you’re suddenly spending so much time together. There should be a conversation. The man should make it clear that he wants to find out whether God intends this relationship to lead to marriage and that he wants to pursue growing knowledge, not growing intimacy. And as a father of four girls, I can assure you that in most cases, it’s helpful to check in with the girls’ father to communicate your intentions. This kind of clarity helps prevent confusion later in conflict resolution marriage situations.

As the relationship develops, talk about how things are going and what the next steps look like. Are you seeing each other too much? Too little? Talk about encouraging things, as well as any concerns. It can be helpful to allow for times without communication as well, to give each other space to process the relationship.

If any flags or checks arise, you should talk about them openly and honestly. You haven’t committed to a lifelong relationship yet. If the concerns are serious—such as theological differences or lifestyle choices—and can’t be resolved, you can end the relationship as friends. Scripture’s warning about being unequally yoked (cf. 2 Cor. 6:14) is especially relevant here. “Whoever gives an honest answer kisses the lips” (Prov. 24:26).

4. Pursue with Purity

Confusion in the area of purity is one of the greatest hindrances to a God-glorifying time of discovery. But Scripture indicates that any type of sexual arousal between a man and woman is reserved for the covenant of marriage. This is why the Bible consistently warns against premarital sex. First Thessalonians 4:3–6 tells us we are not to walk in the passion of lust like unbelievers, that sinning in this area affects others, and that sexual purity is a serious matter in God’s eyes. We’re to put to death things like “sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry” (Col. 3:5). Paul tells Timothy to “treat…younger women like sisters, in all purity” (1 Tim. 5:1–2).

Establish clear guidelines and keep them. During our engagement, Julie and I aimed not to do anything that would arouse either one of us. That might mean something as innocent as holding hands. Sometimes just being near each other could be too much. How much more of a reason to take precaution and exercise self-control!

God doesn’t want us to be deceived in this area. Arousing interactions affect us physically and are designed to lead to more of the same. God set it up that way to ensure ongoing sexual relations in marriage to populate the earth.

Proverbs is filled with warnings for those who don’t take God’s prohibition against sexual sin seriously. If you can sit next to each other in an apartment alone at night for two hours and nothing happens, don’t assume you’re above the possibility of compromise. Being proud that you can handle a potentially tempting situation is often only a prelude to a situation when you can’t (Prov. 16:18). God kindly warns us in Proverbs 6:27–28, “Can a man carry fire next to his chest and his clothes not be burned? Or can one walk on hot coals and his feet not be scorched?”

When in doubt, pursue honoring Christ, not testing your limits.

And remember that while the blood of Christ assures our complete forgiveness for any and every sin, it also means we have been bought with a price—so glorify God in your body
(1 Cor. 6:20).

5. Pursue with Intentionality

Exploring a relationship with a potential spouse involves more than hanging out together. Learn as much as you can about the other person to discern whether this is your future spouse. Now is the time to ask as many questions as you can think of, and then ask some more.

Are they a Christian? How well do they understand and apply the Gospel? What is their view of God’s Word? How involved are they in their church? What do their friends say about them? How do they work through conflicts—skills that will later shape forgiveness in marriage? What are their goals, hobbies, and interests? How do they relate to their siblings? How do they view men’s and women’s roles? What is their health history? How do they work through sin, discouragement, and disappointment? What is the direction for their life?

And that’s just to get you going. As your questions are answered, God will either confirm your attraction or lead you to end the relationship.

6. Pursue with Faith

I’ve often talked to single adults who wonder if a season of exploration will ever happen, or are fearful about their current relationship. But God is eager to guide us through this season and wants us to have faith that he will speak clearly as the relationship progresses.

And what is that faith directed towards? For a man, it means he believes God will confirm whether or not he’s found the woman that he wants to lead, care for, cherish, provide for, and protect for the rest of his life—a vision rooted in Ephesians 5 marriage teaching (Eph. 5:25–33; 1 Pet. 3:7; Prov. 5:15–19; Col. 3:19). For a woman, it means God will confirm whether or not she’s found the man she wants to serve, respect, love, honor, submit to, encourage, and support for the rest of her life (Eph. 5:22–24; 1 Pet. 3:1–6; Col. 3:18).

More questions should bring either confirmation or concerns. If it’s the latter, a couple can separate in faith, knowing God has spared them from a potentially difficult relationship and will continue to lead them in his perfect will.

—

Discussion & Reflection:

  1. If you’re single, was any of this section helpfully corrective to how you’ve pursued a spouse? How has it reshaped your understanding of Christian marriage advice, and what might you do differently from here as you think about the purpose of marriage?
  2. If you’re married, how might you encourage single people you know to pursue a spouse with humility, prayer, integrity, purity, intentionality, and faith—helping them prepare for a Godly marriage marked by wisdom and trust in the Lord?

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Part 3: How do I find a spouse?

It’s been almost fifty years since Julie and I determined getting married would be God’s will for us. One might ask how a marriage that started like ours could survive and even thrive through the challenges, sufferings, and unexpected obstacles every couple faces.

God has used various means to contribute to our growth over the years, including our involvement in our local church and the example and counsel of friends. But by far the most important factor has been the Gospel. The Gospel tells us that God created us to live in loving friendship with him. But we rejected him and deserve to be judged for our pride, self-centeredness, and rebellion. So God sent Jesus, his Son, to receive the punishment we deserved and reconcile us to himself forever. Those who believe that good news are confident they will one day meet God not as a judge who sentences them to eternal punishment, but as a Father who welcomes them into eternal joy.

A Biblical marriage is unlike any other marriage because the husband and wife have both experienced God’s grace through the Gospel. They don’t approach their relationship in their own strength, but benefit from what Jesus accomplished for them and in them through his life, death, and resurrection. This is the heart of Christian marriage meaning and the foundation of a Godly marriage.

But what does that look like? And what are the effects of forgetting or failing to apply the Gospel in our marriage?

To answer those questions, we’re going to look at three specific ways the Gospel changes how we think about being a husband or a wife in marriage in the Bible.

The Gospel Changes Our Understanding of Our Identity

When we get married, many things about us change. We’re in a new relationship, a new family, a new home, and in many ways, we have a new identity. We’re no longer single; we’re half of a “couple.” You’re a husband. You’re a wife. This reflects the marriage covenant meaning that defines what is marriage according to Scripture.

But at its most foundational level, our identity remains the same. We are “in Christ.”

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me (Gal. 2:20).

In a similar way, Paul tells the Colossians:

Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory (Col. 3:2–4).

Christ is our life, whether we’re single or married. Christ is our life if our spouse dies or if we go through a divorce, shaping even our understanding of the Biblical view of divorce. Without erasing our personality, temperament, history, or character traits, we have become a new person in Christ: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come” (2 Cor. 5:17).

But sometimes we think our identity is something other than Christ — like our past. We think of ourselves primarily as the person we’ve always been, a product of our family, experiences, personality, and culture. Certainly, our family background affects us. Suffering abuse while growing up, being raised by a single parent, or experiencing belittling as a child can shape the way we relate to our spouse in different ways, influencing spiritual intimacy and our lived experience of Christian marriage advice.

But our past is not our identity. We can be influenced by our past. Our past can explain why we’re tempted. Our past can cause us to have an affinity for those who grew up like we did. Our past can explain a lot of things. But our past is not who we are. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6:9–11:

Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

The Gospel has the power to transform us in such a way that we are no longer ruled by the things we’ve been through.

Our past is not our identity: Christ is.

Another place we might look for our identity is our role as a wife or husband and wife. We view our role in the marriage as unique or even superior. But as we saw earlier, while the distinctions in the roles of husbands and wives are real, they reflect God’s gracious design and don’t determine our value before God (Gal. 3:28). This is central to a Biblical marriage and the true Christian marriage meaning.

One effect of rooting our identity in the Gospel is that it frees us from the sin of comparison. Many “communication” problems are in essence “competition” problems. We’re not looking for a solution; we’re looking for a win. We’re competing with our spouse, rather than for our spouse. But Peter reminds us that husbands and wives together are heirs of “the grace of life” (1 Pet. 3:7), a truth that shapes healthy spiritual intimacy.

One couple wisely counseled us early in our marriage to “fight the problem, not each other.” The “problem” might be sinful judgment, pride, anger, inaccurate information, a world trying to squeeze us into its mold, or the fear of man. We can wage that battle together as co-laborers, not competitors, because we are co-heirs with Christ. He gets the glory, we get the benefits. This mindset is essential for true conflict resolution marriage.

Knowing that our identity is in Christ above anything else will enable us to approach life’s problems, challenges, tests, and difficulties with peace, cooperation, and grace. But that doesn’t mean we’ll never sin against each other.

Which leads to a second effect the Gospel should have on our marriages:

The Gospel Changes Our Understanding of Forgiveness

Forgiveness can seem like one of the highest hurdles in marriage. You expect things to go well, to get along, and for your spouse to agree with you. You anticipate that they’ll never sin. But they do.

And sometimes it’s hard to forgive them. Worse, our unforgiveness feels justified. We feel sinned against. We feel righteous. We feel they deserve to be punished. That we have a right to hold their sins against them.

That’s because when someone sins, an imbalance is created. Justice isn’t being served. Someone owes a debt, and until that debt is paid, things can’t be right.

So, we pursue different strategies to make things right.

Anger – We lash out with our words or punish through our countenance.

Isolation – We drift away or pull back emotionally and/or physically.

Self-pity – We think, “You don’t really care about me.”

Indifference – We communicate, “I don’t really care about you.”

Arguing – We push back through confrontation, forced logic, and strong words.

Score-keeping – We think we’ve earned the right to “win” this one.

None of those are ways God intends us to resolve conflict. But somehow, we move on. Someone mumbles a quick apology. You laugh it off. Or pretend it never happened. But nothing has really changed, and the situation was never resolved.

Only the Gospel can deal with unforgiveness in a thorough and lasting way. That’s because God tells us to forgive others the way he has forgiven us, establishing forgiveness in marriage as a defining mark of a Godly marriage.

…bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive (Col. 3:13).

In speaking of this forgiveness, pastor/theologian John Piper writes,

The doctrine of justification by grace through faith is at the very heart of what makes marriage work the way God designed it. Justification creates peace with God vertically, despite our sin. And when experienced horizontally, it creates shame-free peace between an imperfect man and an imperfect woman.1

How can we experience the “shame-free peace” he talks about? We remember how the Lord has forgiven us.

– Completely: “And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses” (Col. 2:13). God doesn’t forgive some of our sins. Or a few. Or most. He doesn’t forgive the minor, insignificant ones. He forgives all of them. So we can forgive all the sins of our spouse. This shapes true forgiveness in marriage within a Biblical marriage.
– Finally: “But when Christ had offered for all time a single sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God” (Heb. 10:12). God doesn’t bring up the sins we’ve repented of. He doesn’t rub our faces in them. He doesn’t keep them in his pocket to bring out as a weapon in the heat of an argument. We’re finally forgiven, which protects the marriage for life God intends.
– Wholeheartedly. God doesn’t forgive us begrudgingly — wishing he didn’t have to. He doesn’t mutter, “I forgive you” in a half-hearted way. He doesn’t pretend that nothing really happened. The writer of Hebrews tells us that Jesus, “for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame” (Heb. 12:2). He forgives with all his heart and soul, rejoicing in the restored relationship, just like a father receiving his prodigal son (Luke 15:20).
– Undeservedly: God doesn’t make us prove we’re worthy of forgiveness, ask us to jump through hoops, or wait until we’ve shown we’re really sorry. His forgiveness has nothing to do with us and everything to do with him. “He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy” (Titus 3:5).

It’s God’s mercy, not our worthiness, that causes God to forgive us.

It’s important at this point to say that we’re speaking of forgiveness from the heart, not situations that involve abuse, injustice, or unrepentant ongoing sin that would necessitate consequences. And forgiveness is not the same thing as restored trust or a complete reconciliation. That might require more conversations and actions. This distinction is vital when considering the Biblical view of divorce and what does the Bible say about divorce.

But in most situations when we’ve been sinned against, God calls us to consider how great our sins against him have been and how he has forgiven us so we might be ready to forgive from the heart. Because in the light of that reality, everything changes. We realize we need forgiveness more than our spouse does. Our sins before God are greater than theirs. And Jesus has paid for the sins of both of us.

None of this means we can demand that our spouse forgive us. Often, it’s hard for your spouse to forgive you because you haven’t done a very good job confessing your sin.

A confession that leads to forgiveness and reconciliation isn’t an accident. After every clear offense, I should aim to do at least four things:

  1. Name my sins. Call them by Biblical names. “I was proud, harsh, unkind, selfish.” Not, “I was a little off, oversensitive, or made a mistake.”
  2. Own my sins. Don’t excuse them, justify them, or blame someone else for them.
  3. Express sorrow for my sins. Grieving what you did is a sign of the Spirit’s conviction.
  4. Ask forgiveness for my sins. “I apologize” isn’t nearly as meaningful as a simple, “Would you forgive me?” when you want to set things right.

That process can take 15 seconds or two hours, depending on the nature of the offense(s) and what we’re able to see in the moment. It might involve more than one conversation. At different times, you will be the spouse needing to forgive or ask for forgiveness. But for all of us, the Gospel speaks words of hope, comfort, humbling, and assurance, that we can forgive as we have been forgiven. This is at the heart of Christian marriage advice and the purpose of marriage as revealed in Scripture.

The Gospel Changes Our Understanding of Transformation

Sometimes patterns, sinful or otherwise, exist in a marriage that don’t seem to change. It could be as simple as always being late, not picking up clothes, being defensive, or driving badly. It could be more serious, like pornography, worldliness, or bitterness. Apart from the Gospel, change seems impossible. The best we can do is staple fruit to branches while our roots shrivel.

But God really has transformed us, and it’s the Gospel that enables that change to become reality in three ways.

1. The Gospel gives us the proper motivation. We aim now to please God. We don’t seek endless self-improvement so we can be proud of what a great husband and wife we are. That leads either to exhaustion or arrogance.

We don’t pursue change just to keep our spouse happy either. That’s a worthy goal, but it’s not ultimate. We can feel trapped, never measuring up to our spouse’s expectations.

Because Jesus died, we no longer live for ourselves, “but for him who for [our] sake died and was raised” (2 Cor. 5:15). In other words, we’ve been freed to please God. As Peter tells us, Jesus “bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness” (1 Pet. 2:24). This motivation lies at the heart of the Christian marriage meaning and is reinforced throughout Bible verses about love.

2. The Gospel provides sufficient grace to change. That grace comes from knowing that our sins and failures have been forgiven. Note how, after Peter encourages us to grow in Godly virtues, he explains what we need to remember in order to grow:

For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with Godliness, and Godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love… For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins (2 Pet. 1:5–7, 9).

Our growth in Godly virtues depends on remembering the forgiveness we’ve received through the Gospel. We’re not on a never-ending treadmill of failing and asking forgiveness for the same sins, without hope of ever changing. We can change because we have been crucified with Christ, and we no longer live, but Christ lives in us. We have new direction, hopes, desires, and a new destiny. We really have been set free from the power and rule of sin. This lived reality is central to Biblical marriage and echoed in Ephesians 5 marriage.

3. The Gospel provides strength to endure. We can persevere because we know God is committed to conforming us to the image of his Son (Rom. 8:29–30). God will be faithful to what he has determined to do. He won’t leave us hanging.

Ultimately, this is God’s battle to win, not ours. He is defending the work of his Son, proving that his once and for all sacrifice on the cross was sufficient to ransom a “people for God from every tribe and language and people and nation, and make them a kingdom and priests to God, so that they would one day reign on the earth” (Rev. 5:9–10).

God is infinitely more devoted to the strength of our marriages than we are.

So let’s not take for granted the greatest hope and power God has given us. Let’s not fail to run to the means he’s given us in the Gospel for our identity, our forgiveness, and our transformation.

—

Discussion & Reflection:

  1. How did this section challenge your own understanding of the Gospel and the way it ought to affect your life?
  2. In what ways does the Gospel need to transform your marriage, or other relationships in your life?

—

Part 4: The Difference the Gospel Makes

We’ve looked at God’s purpose of marriage, what he intends to accomplish through it, how to go from friendship to engagement with faith and peace, and the foundational role the Gospel plays in our Biblical marriage.

In this final section, we’re going to talk about marriage for life—marriage for the long haul. One of the benefits of being married for multiple decades is being able to look back and recognize how God was always working in specific ways in each season to display the glory of Christ’s relationship with the church, which lies at the heart of marriage in the Bible.

I’ve divided those seasons into the early years (1–7), the middle years (8–25), and the later years (26+). The divisions are somewhat arbitrary, with some overlap. The commands and promises of Scripture don’t change, regardless of what season we’re in. We always need to be submitted to God’s Word, rooted in the Gospel, and empowered by God’s Spirit in the context of the local church. And priorities in different seasons won’t be absent in other seasons.

But as Julie and I have looked back over time, we’ve seen how aspects of our marriage in the early years contributed to growth in our later years. There has been a cumulative effect in our life together as husband and wife.

So we’ll look at two priorities to focus on in each season that will help strengthen our marriages for the long haul and deepen our understanding of Christian marriage meaning.

The Early Years (1–7): Trust & Humility

The first priority in the early years is building trust. New spouses are often filled with fear and uncertainty. How will things work out? Do I really know my spouse as well as I think I do? Did I make the right decision? What’s to say our marriage will last? Maybe you’ve asked yourself one or more of those questions. Where we go for answers reveals what we trust in, and that trust is essential for a Godly marriage.

The most important trust to develop is trust in God. The psalmist exhorts us, “Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us” (Ps. 62:8). In our early years Julie and I had to trust that God had put us together, that he was sovereign, that divorce wasn’t an option, and that in his book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for us, when as yet there was none of them (Ps. 139:16).

That kind of trust is cultivated and nurtured through spending time in God’s Word and through prayers for marriage, meditating on promises like these:

I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted (Job 42:2).

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ (Phil. 1:6).

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord (Rom. 8:38–39).

But another kind of trust to develop is horizontal: learning to trust each other.

Trust is something built over time in a marriage. We’re getting to know one another. We’re learning about our sin patterns, how we respond in crises, and our root convictions. We’re finding out how well we know ourselves. This slow, relational work strengthens spiritual intimacy.

In the early years, couples are either building trust or tearing it down. A husband is giving his wife confidence to believe him or persuading her that it’s a foolish thing to do. I remember wanting to impress Julie by appearing to have it all together rather than acknowledging my limitations. I would tell her at times, “Just trust me on this.” Not surprisingly, that didn’t build her faith.

Here’s the problem: Guys can think we’re automatically worthy of respect and submission just because we’re husbands. But that respect, that submission, that trust—can never be demanded. That doesn’t take anything away from God’s command to a wife to respect her husband, but a husband has to work at being trustworthy. This reflects the Biblical vision of Ephesians 5 marriage.

Chad and Emily Dixhoorn point that out when they write, “We are told one another’s duties for the purpose of making their work a joy to them—just as Scripture puts it, in another context, for ministers and church members (Heb. 13:17).”²

So, rather than telling your wife, “Just trust me,” a husband’s priority is to work at becoming a man of his word, a man of integrity—a man, in other words, who can be trusted within a Biblical marriage.

Building trust requires focusing on a second area in your early years: humility.

Marriage brings you into constant contact with someone who thinks differently from you in numerous areas, which often leads to conflicts, confusion, bitterness, sinful judgment, and more. What we need in those moments is God’s grace. And God tells us how to get it: “Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble’” (1 Pet. 5:5).

Humility is the foundation for everything else God wants to do in us through our marriage. But what does humility actually look like? At least three things:

Self-disclosure. Humility involves recognizing your spouse doesn’t have the spiritual gift of mind-reading. It shows itself in volunteering information about how you feel, what you’re thinking, where you’re struggling, what you’re anticipating, what you’re planning, and where you’re feeling weak or confused. “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment” (Prov. 18:1).

Seeking input. “The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom, and whatever you get, get insight” (Prov. 4:7). It’s wise to talk with your spouse about significant things like whether or not to take a job, when to buy a house, when to have kids, or whether to pursue education. But it’s no less wise to seek input in smaller decisions, like the best way to get somewhere, how to clean a room, the right way to paint, and how and where to store things. These everyday choices are often where humility—and love—are most clearly displayed in a Christian marriage advice lived out day by day.

Receiving input. Sometimes our spouse gives us feedback we didn’t ask for. But no matter how that counsel is offered, we’re wise to receive it. “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion” (Prov. 18:2). Humility means considering the perspective of our spouse and being open to the possibility that your perspective could be wrong, even when you’re 99.9% sure it’s not. That’s what humility looks like in a Christian marriage advice context.

The Middle Years (8–25): Pursuit & Perseverance

In Gary and Betsy Ricucci’s excellent book, Betsy writes: “We all know that the familiarity and daily routine of marriage can gradually transform passionate devotion into something more like comfortable toleration.”³

The middle years hold great potential for comfortable toleration or uncomfortable bitterness. These are the years of growing obligations, increasing commitments, full schedules, job responsibilities, career advancement, and less free time. If you have children, those effects are multiplied. At times, it’s all we can do to get through the day as husband and wife.

But our hearts are being shaped during these years, either toward the Lord and his purposes, or toward ourselves and our purposes. We’re becoming the married couple we’re going to be through repeated patterns, habits, and practices that define marriage for life.

Couples who divorce after decades of marriage have separated in heart long before they separated in body. That’s why Proverbs 4:23 instructs us: “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” Another way of saying that is, “Love the right things.” So, the two words to describe our priority during these years are pursuit and perseverance within Biblical marriage.

Let’s consider pursuit first. While there are aspects of our lives we are always to pursue—our relationship with Christ, our church, and our family—I want to highlight three categories for husbands to pursue, drawn from Ephesians 5’s marriage teaching and 1 Peter 3.

Pursue laying down your life

After our relationship with the Lord, our greatest pursuit during these years should be learning how to give up our preferences, comfort, and self-focus for our wives. We’re still called to lead, protect, guide, and initiate with our wives. But we do those things out of a heart to lay down our lives, not insist on our own way. This is at the heart of Biblical marriage and reflects the purpose of marriage.

We want to practice thinking of our wife’s cares, thoughts, feelings, hardships, struggles, and trials first—when we get home from work, on our day off, when something inconvenient happens. Rather than assuming, “She can take care of that,” we want to act first.

We might fail consistently in this area. But by God’s grace, we can continue to move toward laying down our lives for her and living out a Godly marriage.

Pursue growing in understanding

Peter tells us that husbands are to “live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life” (1 Pet. 3:7). Why? Because so often conflicts spring from a husband exerting all his energy to get his wife to understand his perspective instead of pursuing spiritual intimacy.

Living with your wife in an understanding way involves asking questions like:

What has her day been like?

What is she challenged by in my schedule?

What does she dream about?

What is she struggling with spiritually? Relationally?

What is her capacity? What brings her rest?

What brings joy to her life? What makes her sad?

At one point in our marriage, the only time I heard Julie was when she broke down in tears. That hardly qualified as living with her in an understanding way. Ask your wife sometime in the next week, in an unhurried moment, “What’s one aspect of your life that you think I don’t understand very well?” Then ask her questions about her response. Dig deeper. Pursue a growing understanding that strengthens marriage in the Bible as it is meant to be lived.

Pursue growing affection

Don’t believe that the fires of passion have to die down, or that the thrill of being married fades as the years go by! Christ’s love for the church never wavers, diminishes, loses its zeal, changes, or dies out—and marriage exists to reflect that reality according to what is marriage in God’s design.

Ephesians 5:29 says he “nourishes and cherishes” his bride. His love is ever fervent and passionate. And so should our love be for our wives in a Biblical marriage.

Our culture tells us that love is something we fall in and out of, largely dependent on how we feel and tied to whether the other person is lovable. God tells us, “By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers” (1 John 3:16). These are timeless Bible verses about love that shape faithful marriages.

For some reason, Julie had a hard time believing I really loved her after we got married. It was 20 years before God did substantial work in her heart, enabling her to believe I did. And ever since then, I’ve been seeking to grow. Here are some of the ways I’ve pursued growing affection:Don’t believe that the fires of passion have to die down, or that the thrill of being married fades as the years go by! Christ’s love for the church never wavers, diminishes, loses its zeal, changes, or dies out—and marriage exists to reflect that reality according to what is marriage in God’s design.

Ephesians 5:29 says he “nourishes and cherishes” his bride. His love is ever fervent and passionate. And so should our love be for our wives in a Biblical marriage.

Our culture tells us that love is something we fall in and out of, largely dependent on how we feel and tied to whether the other person is lovable. God tells us, “By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers” (1 John 3:16). These are timeless Bible verses about love that shape faithful marriages.

For some reason, Julie had a hard time believing I really loved her after we got married. It was 20 years before God did substantial work in her heart, enabling her to believe I did. And ever since then, I’ve been seeking to grow. Here are some of the ways I’ve pursued growing affection:

– Date nights. They’re never easy, but a regular rhythm makes it easier. Dates don’t have to be expensive or even outside the home. But going out can give you a fresh perspective as husband and wife pursuing a Godly marriage.
– Touching. Ever notice how newly married couples are always touching? They’re aware of the thrill, the gift, the presence. We never have to lose that thrill of holding the hand of the one God created us to be with. This kind of closeness strengthens spiritual intimacy in Biblical marriage.
– Kissing. Kissing is an intimate act that expresses and stimulates romantic desire. Don’t waste your kisses. We’ve made it a practice to kiss when we leave each other’s presence or greet each other. Public displays of affection are a good thing and echo many Bible verses about love.
– Pictures. I keep pictures of my wife on my phone, computer, iPad, and watch. They help me cultivate an eye for my wife’s beauty and remember the purpose of marriage God has given us. – Conversations. There are more than a few times when texting just doesn’t cut it. Calls or, even better, FaceTime, bring us closer when we’re apart and deepen spiritual intimacy.

You may excel in other ways of showing affection, like writing notes, giving gifts, buying flowers, or using pet names for each other. Do whatever it takes to communicate to your wife that she is unique and treasured in a Biblical marriage.

A second priority for the middle years is perseverance. During these days of full schedules, demanding careers, a growing family, and growing commitments, it can sometimes seem like you’re not accomplishing anything significant. Life can devolve into mundane routines, and everything starts to feel like an endless to-do list. This is especially true for a wife who is also a mom.

You long for something more adventurous, more amazing, more out-of-the-box, more exhilarating, more productive—more something. You wonder, is this all there is?

But here’s what you’re doing.

As husband and wife, you are living out what God created you for. You’re modeling a relationship of cosmic significance, the relationship between Christ and his bride, displaying a love based on covenant—not simply feelings—that says, “I will be faithful to you until I die.” This is the heart of marriage for life and the Christian marriage meaning revealed in Scripture.

Wives are displaying what joyful, faith-filled submission and respect look like in a world that thinks you can only truly be happy if no one is telling you what to do. Husbands are showing our culture what kind, strong, clear, Godly, loving, sacrificial leadership looks like—exactly what Ephesians 5 marriage teaches.

As parents, you’re showing your children they are valued, loved, cared for, and protected. You’re teaching them that there is a God, that he made them, and that they were made for his glory. You’re standing strong against the tidal wave of gender confusion in our culture, raising girls and boys who delight in God’s plan. You’re building a Gospel culture that will potentially shape generations.

You are part of the church, valuing the gathering every week, being built up into the body of Christ as a testimony of what God is doing in the earth.

So we persevere, remembering God’s encouragement: “Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised” (Heb. 10:35–36).

These are the years to walk faithfully in the calling God has given you, knowing that you are serving the Lord, not man. Because we look forward to hearing the Lord himself say to us, “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matt. 25:21).

And that won’t be because of our faithfulness, but because of his: “Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful” (Heb. 10:23).

The Later Years (26+): Gratefulness & Servanthood

One of the great temptations in our later years can be to look back with regret or condemnation. We can battle disappointment or even despair — to ask what-if’s or why-not’s, or be preoccupied with what we did or didn’t do, and the poor choices we’ll never get to do over.

That’s why the later years are a time to prioritize gratefulness. God has brought you to this place, and he has faithfully guided every step, keeping you from evil at times, and redeeming every sin and failure at others. The important thing as we look back is to focus not on our actions, but God’s:

The righteous flourish like the palm tree and grow like a cedar in Lebanon. They are planted in the house of the Lord; they flourish in the courts of our God. They still bear fruit in old age; they are ever full of sap and green, to declare that the Lord is upright; he is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in him (Ps. 92:12–15).

These are the years to declare that “the Lord is upright and that there is no unrighteousness in him.”

The later years aren’t the time to start being grateful. But it is the time to excel in it. Because those who have eyes to see know that their lives have been filled with the kindness and mercy of God, and can say with the psalmist: “The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance” (Ps. 16:5–6).

Part 5: Marriage for the Long Haul

Julie and I will often remind each other that our blessings far exceed our trials. We look back and see His sovereignty not only in bringing us together as husband and wife, but sustaining us through ovarian surgery early on in our Biblical marriage, two miscarriages, robberies, stolen cars, a daughter whose husband deserted her with five children, a grandson who battled leukemia twice before he was 13, and two recent bouts with breast cancer.

Through it all, God has never failed to be faithful and redeem for good what the enemy meant for evil. And even if we hadn’t seen the Lord’s faithfulness in carrying us through these trials, we could look back and see that God, without our knowledge or asking, sent his only Son to live the perfect life we could never live, receive the just punishment we deserved, and be raised to new life to give us forgiveness, adoption into God’s family, and the confident hope of eternal joy. This hope anchors a Godly marriage far more deeply than circumstances ever could.

So we’re grateful. Grateful for God’s steadfast, unchanging, never-ending love—the kind of love described throughout the Bible verses about love that shape the heart of marriage in the Bible.

The second priority for the later years is servanthood. Paul reminds us in 2 Corinthians 4:16 that our outer self is wasting away, and that’s all too evident. But the older years are not the time to kick back, live for ourselves, and not serve anyone. Opportunities abound, especially for couples committed to marriage for life. And here’s why it makes so much sense as we get older to expect God to use us more to serve others.

We have more time to serve. For most of us during these years, our kids aren’t around, we have fewer job responsibilities, and more discretionary time—time that can be invested in encouraging younger couples seeking Christian marriage advice.

We have more wisdom to draw from. If we shared only from our mistakes, we’d have plenty to give to younger couples! But we’ve also learned from things that have turned out well. Older couples are a wealth of wisdom for those who often have only their peers to turn to for counsel on Biblical marriage and forgiveness.

We have more resources. Gone are the obligations of school, jobs, and raising a family. When I’m asked about retirement, I don’t know what to say. Certainly, as the outer man wastes away, it will limit the amount and degree to which we can lay our lives down for others. But I can’t help but think of Jesus’ words: “For who is the greater, one who reclines at table or one who serves? Is it not the one who reclines at table? But I am among you as the one who serves” (Luke 22:27).

Don’t we want to be like Jesus? Don’t we want to be the one who serves—reflecting the true purpose of marriage as a lifelong testimony of grace?

—

Discussion & Reflection:

  1. Do the stages of marriage described here ring true in your own marriage? How might you grow in the priorities of the stage you’re in, whether newly married or pursuing marriage for life?
  2. Ask a mentor if there are things he or she has learned in these stages of marriage and discuss how they reflect the Christian marriage meaning taught in Scripture.

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Conclusion

I pray this field guide has helped you see that marriage, as God planned it, is worth treasuring. It’s worth fighting for. It’s worth treating as sacred. And it’s something we can pursue with great faith, because as John Newton wrote:

Through many dangers, toils, and snares we have already come ‘Tis grace that brought us safe thus far, and grace will lead us home.

Wherever you may be in this wonderful, mysterious, challenging, adventurous, amazing journey of marriage, God’s grace will bring you home.

Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen (Heb. 13:20–21).

Endnotes

  1. John Piper, This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2012), 34.
  2. Chad and Emily Van Dixhoorn, Gospel-Shaped Marriage: Grace for Sinners to Love Like Saints (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2022), 43.
  3. Gary and Betsy Ricucci, Love That Lasts: When Marriage Meets Grace (Wheaton, IL:
    Crossway, 2006), 49.

About the Author

BOB KAUFLIN is a pastor, composer, speaker, writer, and the director of Sovereign Grace Music, a ministry of Sovereign Grace Churches. He serves as an elder at Sovereign Grace Church of Louisville and has written two books: Worship Matters and True Worshipers. God has blessed him and his precious wife, Julie, with six children and over 20 grandchildren.

#12 Man of God: What Does It Mean to Be One?

Part 1: Principles for Faithfulness

The Bible Calls Men to Be Leaders

Most of what we have said is equally true for women as for men, but it is so important that we cannot skip it. But when we look for the distinct calling given to the man, God’s creation order highlights our first principle: the masculine calling to lordship. In short, the Lord invests men with headship in their relationships, involving both authority and responsibility — the calling of the head of the household. God is, of course, the high Lord over all people and things. But men are called to serve God by exercising lordship in the spheres of responsibility he places under us.

With this in mind, one of the best summaries of Biblical manhood occurs in a comment the Lord made about the patriarch Abraham:

For I have chosen him, that he may command his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord by doing righteousness and justice, so that the Lord may bring to Abraham what
he has promised him (Gen. 18:19).

Notice that God expected Abraham to exercise authority over his children and household, which refers to everyone under Abraham’s charge. Abraham was to lead in such a way as to ensure that his family kept “the way of the Lord” — that is, lived according to God’s Word. Notice as well, that God says it is through Abraham’s Godly leadership “that the Lord may bring to Abraham what he has promised him.” Here is a statement that highlights the vital importance of spiritual leadership.
If Christian men do not lead their families, the blessings that God has promised to believers are
not likely to be realized. Of course, everyone is called to keep God’s ways in faith and obedience. But the man is distinct in that he is charged to lead and command: he is given lordship by God —
a clear picture of servant leadership marked by responsibility, not tyranny.

Everything in Genesis 2, which focuses on life as God designed it, points to the leadership that
God entrusted to the man. For instance, when God made a covenant with mankind, he gave the command to Adam and not to Eve (Gen. 2:16–17). Why didn’t God give his command to both Adam and Eve? The answer is that God commanded Adam, and it was Adam’s responsibility to make it known to Eve. Similarly, it was the man who gave names to the various species of animals (Gen. 2:19). If you have the right to name something, you are its lord! Adam even gave the woman her name, Eve, as an expression of God’s call for men to serve him through lordship (Gen. 3:20).

Exercising Godly lordship requires men to accept responsibility and exercise authority. We find
a good example in Ruth 2, when a landowner named Boaz noticed a poor but virtuous woman gleaning in his fields. Boaz realized that women in her position were vulnerable and that not
all of his men could be trusted. He made inquiries about Ruth and learned that she had a noble character. So he not only permitted her to glean in his fields but also charged his more reckless men not to bother her, and then made provision for her to have something to drink when she got thirsty (Ruth 2:9). This is Godly lordship! The man accepted responsibility and exercised authority to ensure that a needy woman was cared for and protected. Boaz had learned the priorities of mercy and righteousness through God’s Word — priorities that define the role of a husband in the Bible and the wider calling of men to lead with strength and care.

Boaz exercised his God-given lordship to govern his household so that God’s will was done, the Lord was glorified, and people were cared for. This is an excellent picture of the kind of lordship
to which God calls all men.

What happens when men do not lead? We have already seen God’s comment that his promises to Abraham would not come to pass if Abraham did not command his household. Another example
is the failure of King David when it came to his family. David is one of the great heroes of the Bible. He slew Goliath and was anointed by God to be king over Israel. He led God’s people in battle, established Jerusalem as Israel’s capital, and wrote a large portion of the book of Psalms. Yet David was an abject failure in his family, and this neglect of leadership would not only ruin David’s life but also undo much of the good he accomplished for the people.

Consider the sons of David, who are a roster of famous scoundrels. The first one we meet is Amnon. This son was so infatuated with his beautiful half-sister Tamar that he sexually assaulted her and then publicly humiliated her. As you read 2 Samuel 13, it is obvious that David should have known his daughter’s peril and intervened to protect her — a tragic failure in the role of a father. When David did nothing about this crime, Tamar’s full brother Absalom took matters into his own hands and slew his brother Amnon, throwing the royal household into turmoil.

Again, David did not lead, but allowed Absalom merely to go into exile. From this exile, Absalom plotted a rebellion that almost overthrew David’s kingdom and required a great battle in which many soldiers died (see 2 Sam. 13–19). Even at the end of his life, David had another rotten son, Adonijah, who tried to usurp the throne from David’s heir Solomon
(1 Kings 1).

The sad truth is that the reign of David ended in turmoil and chaos because he would not lead his household. How do we explain such foolish behavior? The Bible gives two explanations. First Kings 1:6 includes a note about David’s indulgence of Adonijah, which we can assume was true for all of his sons: David “had never at any time displeased him by asking, ‘Why have you done thus and so?’” David did not take responsibility for his sons and he did not exercise authority over them.
He did not find out what was happening in their lives (and more importantly in their hearts) and
he did not correct or discipline them. Perhaps David was too busy fighting wars and writing songs to do his job as a father. His failure highlights the importance of men exercising lordship, especially in the home — a sober reminder of the weighty calling of Biblical fatherhood.

But there is another, more penetrating answer to David’s failure of leadership. We go back before all these troubles started and discover David’s great sin with Bathsheba. Second Samuel 11 provides a warning to Christian men who are tempted to shirk their duties at work and in the home. Israel’s army was fighting a war, but David stayed home to relax. With his guard down, he was easy prey to the temptation of lust when he saw the beautiful woman bathing. In a short succession that marks his fall as a man, David called for Bathsheba and took her, even though he knew that she was the wife of one of his best soldiers. When Bathsheba got pregnant, David went so far as to conspire in her husband’s death so that he could marry her and cover up his sin.

Do you notice that the sins David’s sons later committed followed in the pattern of sins they had seen him commit? David assaulted a beautiful girl, and so did his son Amnon. David conspired against a righteous man and covered it up, laying the path that Absalom later would walk. What is the lesson? This is a sobering example of the sins of the father being echoed in the next generation. Christian men must lead. And our leadership begins with the example of faith and Godliness that we set. If we sin — and we do — then we must repent and confess our sin, taking steps to change our evil habits. If we do not set an example of Godliness, our calling to lordship in service to God
is likely to end up a sham. And, just like King David, God’s blessing will be lost because the man who was called to lead failed to do so.

Before we move on, let’s consider some of the things that a Godly man does to lead his wife and family — central expressions of husband responsibility and the role of a father:

– He sets an example by believing in Jesus Christ and living sincerely according to God’s Word.
– He ensures that his family attends a faithful church where God’s Word is accurately taught.
– He reads his Bible, prays, and calls others in his household to do likewise.
– He takes responsibility for his wife and children, pays attention to them, and exercises his God-given authority to encourage them to live rightly — a practical picture of how to be a good father and how to be a good husband.

The Bible Calls Men to Be Nurturers

The Bible is such a valuable resource to men. God’s Word not only tells us what we are to do but also gives us a pattern for how we are to serve and lead as husbands, fathers, and leaders outside the home. We noted earlier the value of what Scripture says about God’s design for men in creation. In fact, one of the most informative statements about Biblical manhood occurs in Genesis 2:15, which I have elsewhere referred to as the Masculine Mandate.1 This verse sets a pattern that we see all through the Bible, giving men two tasks that enable them to succeed as Christian leaders: “The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it” (Gen. 2:15).

The garden of Eden was a world of covenant relationships that the Lord had designed for mankind. Included was marriage, the family, the church, and even the workplace. The Lord put Adam into this garden and also into the relationships that God had designed for life there.

The two words I want to focus on are “work” and “keep.” Here is how to be a Biblical man. What is God-obedient lordship? The how is work and keep, two words that set a trajectory for masculinity throughout the Bible. The second of these — keep — means to guard and protect. The first of these commands is work, which means to invest one’s labor to produce a good harvest. Here is the second Biblical principle for manhood. The first is that the man is called to lordship. The second is that God’s Word calls men to be nurturers — a core aspect of the Biblical Role of a Husband.

The Biblical idea of working — meaning to cultivate and nurture — may be the aspect of masculinity that is most out of sync with traditional ideas in our society. Men are often seen as distant or emotionally reserved. Yet Scripture calls men to strength expressed through care and presence, echoing the charge to act like men and to be strong and courageous (cf. 1 Corinthians 16:13).

Adam’s fingers were to be brown with the soil of the garden; likewise, the hands of Christian men are to be brown with the soil of their wives’ and children’s hearts. Whether a man is at work, talking to someone at church, or leading in his home, he is to take a personal interest and act in ways designed to bring blessing and cause growth. This nurturing strength is central to true spiritual leadership.

A husband is called to nurture his wife emotionally and spiritually. Likewise, a father is called to
be intentional about plowing up and planting in the hearts of his children. Few things are more injurious to a child than emotional distance from his or her father. There is a reason Scripture places such weight on Biblical fatherhood. God has given men the primary calling of emotional and spiritual nurture, and many fail to do it well.

When a Christian man “works” in the lives of others — nurturing and building up their hearts like Adam in the garden — the beneficiaries delight in his attention and grow under the influence of his love. This is not a weakness. It is the strength of a man of God living out God’s design.

Another way the Bible describes a man’s calling to work and nurture is through the image of a shepherd with his sheep. Psalm 23 talks about a shepherd who is totally invested in the well-being of his lambs, leading them, serving them, and providing for all their needs. This image reflects servant leadership expressed through faithful care.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
(Ps. 23:1–3)

This is the servant lordship to which God calls men in the work of nurturing other people, especially our wives and children. It takes effort, attention, and passionate concern and models true spiritual leadership. Of course, these words were ultimately penned about Jesus Christ, the Good Shepherd who lays down his life for his sheep (John 10:11). It is the man who can say these words about Jesus, the shepherd of our souls who leads us to eternal life, who has a heart for shepherding other people. Jesus is the greatest example of true manhood and the ultimate man of God, laying down his life for the nurture and salvation of the people he loves so much, even dying on the cross to deliver them from sin and define Biblical manhood.

As we close our discussion of this vital matter of working — nurturing and leading the hearts of those we love — let me give some questions to diagnose how we are doing (and how we want to do!):

– Am I close to my wife and children (or others in important relationships), so that I know and understand their hearts and live faithfully in the role of a father?
– Do the people under my care feel that I want to know them, and do I speak to them in a way that encourages and teaches them, reflecting healthy spiritual leadership?
– Do my wife and children (or others) feel that they know me? Have I shared my heart with them? Do they feel that they can join me in the things that I am passionate about? Do they feel that I am passionate about them and their blessing, honoring my husband responsibility?
– As I look to the life of Jesus Christ in the Gospels, what things did he do to show that he cared, to connect with his disciples, and to lead them to spiritual growth that I experience and then imitate as a man of God?

The Bible Calls Men to Be Protectors

The second part of the Masculine Mandate of Genesis 2:15 is to “keep,” meaning that a man guards and protects what God has placed under his care. This is our third principle for Biblical manhood. When David thought about the Lord’s shepherding care of his life, he not only spoke of the Lord leading him but also protecting him: “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me” (Ps. 23:4). Likewise, the how of male leadership involves not only nurturing and encouraging but also standing guard to keep people and things safe, exercising faithful spiritual leadership.

Another place in the Bible where we see both “working” and “keeping”— building up and making safe — is Nehemiah 4:17–18, when the men of Jerusalem were building the city’s walls. Nehemiah had the men carry a shovel or trowel in one hand and a sword or spear in the other. This is Biblical manhood in action — strength paired with responsibility, provision paired with protection.

Just as the Lord is a great model as a shepherd in Psalm 23, the Lord speaks of his guardian care in Psalm 121. There, the Lord promises that he watches over his people: “He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep” (Ps. 121:5). The psalmist notes that “The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life” (Ps. 121:7). God watches over us to protect us and correct us so that we do not go astray. Here is our example as men who keep what has been entrusted to our care as head of the household.

To be a man is to stand up and be counted on when there is danger or other evil. God does not desire men to stand by idly and allow harm or permit wickedness. Rather, we are called to keep others safe within all the covenant relationships we enter. In our families, our presence is to make our wives and children feel secure and at ease, fulfilling the role of a father. At church, we are to stand for truth and Godliness against worldliness and error. In society, we are to take our place as men who stand up against evil and defend what is right, living out the call to be strong and courageous.

The sad reality, however, is that in many cases the greatest danger from which we need to protect our wives and children is our own sin. I remember counseling a man years ago whose marriage
was on the rocks. At one point, he boasted that if a man entered their home with a gun, he would protect his wife: “I would take the bullet for her.” But then, in a flash of insight, he admitted, “Actually, I am the man who enters my home and hurts my wife.” We need to protect people under our care from our own anger, harsh words, self-centeredness, and neglect. This self-watchfulness
is essential to being a Godly husband and a faithful man of God.

Here are some questions for us to consider with respect to our manly calling to guard and protect:

– Am I aware of the main threats to my wife and children? What am I doing about them?
– Does my wife (or others under my care) feel safe when I am present? What changes should I make to make sure that she does?
– What are my sins that cause harm to other people, especially in my family? Do I care enough about them to deal with my sinful habits? Am I habitually angry? Do I speak abusively or harshly?
If so, have I talked with my pastor about these things, seeking to change? Do I pray about these sins? What difference would it make to others if I were to repent of these harmful behaviors?

The Bible Calls Men into God-Designed Relationships

What we have seen so far is the basic Biblical architecture for manhood. Men are called to serve and glorify God, exercising lordship in their relationships by “working and keeping,” that is, nurturing and protecting. This vision reflects Biblical manhood shaped by obedience to God’s design. All of these principles flow from the opening chapters of Genesis and are then reinforced throughout the Bible.

Our final topic in this field guide will consider the contexts in which manhood is lived out, namely, the God-designed relationships found in the Bible. Remember when we saw that God “put the man in the garden” God had created (Gen. 2:8)? We can think of the garden as the covenant world of God’s design in which men and women are to live and bear fruit to God’s glory. Primary among these relationships are marriage and fatherhood, highlighting Biblical fatherhood and the role
of a father, though other relationships (such as work, friendships, and the church) are also important.

We have made applications to marriage and fatherhood, but let’s focus in a bit more in the next part, especially on the calling of men as head of the household and the faithful role of a husband in the Bible.

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Discassion & Reflection:

  1. Which part of this vision for manhood challenges the way you think about what it means to live out Biblical masculinity?
  2. In which of these areas do you need to grow most? Are any of them a strength for you?

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Part 2: Biblical Manhood in Marriage

Genesis 2:18 makes an important statement when the Lord observed, “It is not good for the man
to be alone.” Until now in the creation account everything has been so good! God created and then looked on his work and “saw that it was good” (Gen. 1:25). But now the Creator sees something
that is not good — this must be a matter of great importance. The problem God observed was not a flaw in his design but something incomplete. God designed men and women to live together in the holy bond of marriage; this is why the Lord went on to say, “I will make him a helper fit for him” (Gen. 2:18). God created the woman not to be a competitor to man, but to be a complement to him, establishing the foundation for the Biblical Role of a Husband.

This clear Biblical teaching shows that men are to desire to be married to a Godly wife. Unlike what is so common today, men are not to shy away from commitment, spending much of their lives “playing the field.” Instead, a man is to settle down, make a commitment in a relationship with a woman, and start a family. This reflects the role of a husband in the Bible, marked by faithfulness, responsibility, and love. Obviously, there are exceptions when this does not happen, and I do not want to make men feel guilty if they have desired marriage and suffered discouragement. The point is that men are to be pro-marriage. We are to raise our sons with the expectation that they will
be husbands, preferably sooner rather than later. Proverbs 18:22 sums up the Bible’s perspective:
“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”

It is no secret that our generation finds marriage hard to pull off, primarily because we are determined to keep our sins and still expect success. Christian men, who have been forgiven of their sins and who seek to live by God’s Word, should have confidence entering into marriage, so long as their wife is a committed Christian herself. This pursuit of faithfulness is central to how to
be a good husband and to becoming a Godly husband. To marry a non-Christian woman is to be “unequally yoked” (2 Cor. 6:14). This metaphor compares two mismatched oxen yoked together so that they cannot pull as a team. The same is true of a marriage in which one partner is a Christian and the other is not. It is one thing to come to faith in Christ while married to an unbeliever, in which case we should pray for God to convert our wife while we serve and witness the Gospel.
But it is quite another for a man who is already a Christian to marry an unbelieving woman.

If we have found the Bible’s basic teaching on manhood instructive, we will find these principles vitally important to Christian marriage. The man is to lead by nurturing and protecting. It turns
out that this framework fits exactly what the Bible says about husbands in marriage, making this teaching essential for a happy home and faithful Biblical manhood.

Marital Lordship

First, the Bible is crystal clear that a husband is to provide leadership to the marriage, spiritually and otherwise. This calling reflects intentional spiritual leadership and the God-given responsibility of the husband. You can see this emphasis in what the Lord teaches to Godly wives:

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands (Eph. 5:22–24; see also 1 Pet. 3:1–6).

Our first response as men when we read this should be one of humility. God does not tell wives to submit to their husband’s leadership because he is smarter, wiser, or more Godly—in many cases, he is not! Instead, the reason for male headship in the marriage is God’s design in creation. This establishes the husband as head of the household, not for domination, but for service. Men are designed to lead in a strong-but-gentle, confident-but-humble, Christ-like way, which lies at the heart of the Biblical Role of a Husband.

Male headship does not mean that the husband makes all the decisions about everything. Christ said that a Godly marriage will above all reflect unity: “So they are no longer two but one flesh” (Matt. 19:6). A married couple should seek to come to agreement, and the husband should lead
in this endeavor, fulfilling the role of a husband in the Bible.

For instance, a man and his wife should sit down together and talk through their financial goals.
In many cases, the woman will have great input and may be better at managing money than her husband. But the husband should lead the financial decision-making, taking responsibility and applying Biblical principles about stewardship and generosity—an important aspect of husband responsibility. A husband and wife should also decide together which church to attend, with the husband insisting that faithful Bible teaching be given priority.

So it goes with every area of married life: the husband is to lead with an aim toward Godly unity.
All these decisions will require prayer, so leadership should always be exercised with humility, joint prayer, and obedience to God’s Word, reflecting the character of a Godly husband and a faithful man of God.

When we think about “being in charge,” the same passage that tells our wives to submit also calls men to Christ-like, servant leadership: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). How did Jesus love his church? By dying for her! Likewise, a husband should put his wife’s interests first, especially her spiritual and emotional needs. When a husband “puts his foot down,” calling his wife to submit, it usually should be to obey Biblical teaching or wisdom, or for the man to make a sacrifice on her behalf. A husband who leads in marriage with Christ-like self-sacrifice will not often find his wife struggling with submission to his headship—this is central to the Biblical Role of a Husband.

Marital Nurture

Men are not only to lead their wives but also to “work” them. That is, they are to nurture them in a way that is analogous to Adam’s cultivation of the first garden. This means that a husband is to have a plan for spiritually and emotionally blessing his wife. He is to consider her growth and well-being one of his most important jobs in life. He does not just “marry her and then move on” to other priorities. Rather, he devotes himself all of his married days to building up his wife and encouraging her blessing—an essential part of how to be a good husband.

You see this priority in what the Apostle Paul went on to say about marriage in Ephesians 5:28–30:

husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.

Paul means that just as a man has an instinct for meeting his own body’s needs — he eats when hungry, drinks when thirsty, and sleeps when tired — a husband should develop a reflex response to the needs of his wife. This attentiveness reflects a healthy husband responsibility and faithful spiritual leadership. This will inevitably come through in how a husband talks with his wife. As a pastor, I have known husbands who speak to their wives the same way they talk to guys in the football locker room. Don’t do this. She is your wife! Men should think before we speak, above all to our wives.

The man’s call to nurture his wife means that he needs to know what is going on in her heart. And since women are complete mysteries to men, the only way to learn this is to ask her. Just try this: approach your wife, tell her you want to be devoted to her nurture, and ask her what is in her heart. You can be sure she will tell you what makes her anxious, what she is afraid of, what makes her feel beautiful and cherished, and what she prays and longs for. This is useful information for a nurturing husband. A good practice is to pray with your wife every morning, asking her sincerely how you can pray for her. Over time, she will open her heart more and more, trusting your loving ministry, and your nurturing care will bind the two of you together in marital love, reflecting the character of a Godly husband.

So far, I have mentioned the Apostle Paul’s teaching on marriage in Ephesians 5. But the Apostle Peter also has valuable teaching in 1 Peter 3:7. This is, in my view, the single most valuable verse for husbands:

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

When Peter says we should “live with” our wives, he uses a verb that elsewhere means to “commune.” In other words, we are to share our lives with our wives, not just intersect at meal
times and for sex. When he says that we are to be “understanding,” he means that we are to have knowledge about her, primarily the things of her heart. “Showing honor” means to cherish our wives—to say and do things that communicate that she is loved and valued. And we are to remember that our wives are God’s beloved daughters — and, yes, if we neglect our wives,
God says he will neglect our prayers. This sober truth shapes the role of a husband in the Bible.

My experience has shown that this principle of “working” — that is, nurturing our wives emotionally and spiritually — is often the missing ingredient in Christian marriages. Men simply do not know that they are supposed to cultivate the hearts of their wives. So for a Christian man to apologize to his wife for neglecting this calling and then to start doing it sincerely (and with her help) will often revolutionize the marriage and bind the couple together as never before — an expression of mature Biblical manhood.

Marital Protection

The second part of “work and keep” is for a man to protect his wife in marriage. In short, the way a husband acts and talks around his wife should make her feel safe. This, of course, includes physical safety, which a man should ensure for his wife. Christian men especially must protect their wives from their most obvious and harmful sins. For instance, too many men display explosive anger or speak harshly to their wives, undermining the trust and security of the marital bond. Whether it is anger or some other sinful tendency, we protect our wives by turning to God’s grace to replace vices with Godly virtues — this is part of being strong and courageous in holiness.

“Keeping” also includes relationship protection and security, which is so important for a healthy marriage. For example, a wife should feel safe with respect to other women. A Godly man will
not make comments about how attractive another woman is, and she will not see him gawking
at another woman. Paul’s teaching on sexual purity applies especially to husbands: “Let there be
no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving” (Ephesians 5:4).

If we want to be happily married, we will not develop close friendships with members of the opposite sex, and we will not get together one-on-one with another woman (this works both ways, as such behavior can only threaten the security of a marriage). If a man has a close work relationship with a woman, he will need to be especially careful to maintain emotional exclusivity with his wife. This kind of self-restraint is part of faithful husband responsibility and reflects the seriousness of the Biblical Role of a Husband. If he is a pastor (like me) and needs to minister to women in the church, he will be very careful not to become emotionally connected.

I have practiced what used to be called “the Billy Graham Rule” and what is now known as the “Mike Pence Rule” for the Christian former Vice President. This rule says that I will never be behind
a closed door with a woman who is not my mother, my wife, or my daughter. I will not ride alone
in a car with a woman outside my family. I do not get together alone with women at all outside
my family, and if I need to have a conversation, I insist on a door being open or at least a window looking into the room. This is wise protection for yourself — both against temptation and slanderous accusations — and it is an important expression of Godly discipline. And while some people will think you stuffy or old-fashioned, your wife will appreciate it very much. She will feel safe in the relationship and confident in your leadership as head of the household.

Perhaps you are not married but only dating. Then let me encourage you that the Biblical pattern for manhood in marriage works beautifully in a relationship that is heading toward marriage. In fact, the best way to develop a marriage relationship is to start practicing the principles that make a good marriage now. This is part of learning how to be a good husband even before marriage.
The boyfriend should lead the relationship sacrificially, reflecting servant leadership. He does not wait for her to prompt a conversation about “where we are in the relationship”; he brings it up
and makes his intentions clear (and yes, sometimes this means he says they need to break up).

When the couple is together, the man does not spend all of his time talking about himself, his work, and his sports teams. Instead, he takes an interest in her and seeks to understand her heart. He asks her what things interest her, what she is learning in God’s Word, and what her prayer needs are. In doing so, he practices healthy spiritual leadership. And he makes her feel safe. This means that he does not pressure her sexually but takes the lead in sexual purity. He talks and acts in ways that make her feel comfortable. Not only is this Biblical pattern a good way to prepare for a Godly marriage, but it is also one of the clearest expressions of mature Biblical manhood.

I mentioned earlier how Boaz took responsibility for the wellbeing of Ruth when she was a widow gleaning in his fields. He was kind to her, made sure she was safe, and generously took care of her provision. Is there any wonder that this story ends with the two of them marrying? We read about this in Ruth 3:9, when Ruth approaches Boaz and suggests that they marry: “I am Ruth, your servant. Spread your wings over your servant, for you are a redeemer.” Notice how she put it — she wanted to be Boaz’s wife because of his Christ-like conduct toward her. This is a powerful picture of the role of a husband in the Bible.

Obviously, no Christian man can ever take the place of Jesus in a Godly woman’s life. But he can love her in a way that reminds her of Jesus. When a man lives this way, he grows into a Godly husband and a faithful man of God. If we follow the Biblical pattern of manhood in marriage, our wives will feel this kind of security and love toward us. 

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Discassin & Reflection:

  1. Do you know any good examples of a faithful husband? Discuss with your mentor what makes him a good example.
  2. If you’re married, what’s one area where you need to grow as a husband? If you’re not yet married, how can you begin preparing now to live out the Biblical Role of a Husband?

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Part 3: Biblical Manhood as Fathers

If marriage is the primary relationship that God has designed for a man, fatherhood is probably the most significant role that any man will fill. If a Christian husband is to love his wife like Christ loved the church, then Christian fathers are to imitate the loving character of God the Father in how they raise their children. This vision lies at the heart of Biblical fatherhood and shapes the role of a father in God’s design. Fortunately, since God the Father and God the Son read from the same script, the principles we have learned about manhood in general are the keys to how to be a good father.

Fatherly Lordship

A father’s authority to command his children is highlighted in the instruction of Ephesians 6:1, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” Notice that children should obey their fathers (and mothers) not because they are bigger and stronger and are able to punish, but because “this is right.” It is God’s design for fathers to lead their children, and this calling reflects intentional spiritual leadership. Moreover, the Bible teaches that learning obedience to parents is essential to a child’s success in life. Children obey their fathers “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land” (Eph. 6:3).

While a father therefore, must exercise authority over his children, giving and enforcing rules, he also should be tender-hearted and kind: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). This balance of authority and care reflects mature Biblical manhood.

Fatherly Protection

When discussing the “how to” of male leadership, I have previously considered the “working” before the “keeping.” In this case, I want to discuss the father’s role in protecting and guarding children first because of the vital importance of discipline. Practicing faithful discipline is an expression of Godly discipline and a crucial safeguard in raising Godly children.

Remember how King David never “displeased” his sons, with the result that they grew up to be rotten insurrectionists? The same thing happened to Eli, the high priest of Israel, with his sons Hophni and Phinehas. These examples reveal how unchecked behavior can reflect the destructive sins of the father, passing patterns of disobedience from one generation to the next.

Given these examples, it is not surprising that the Bible commands Christian parents to discipline their children. Proverbs 13:24 provides both sides of this calling: “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” This discipline is not harshness but loving correction. Proverbs 29:15 says, “The rod of correction imparts wisdom.” Discipline is one of the primary ways a father protects his children from their greatest danger — their own sin and folly.

Fathers must always discipline in self-control, dealing with anger before approaching their son or daughter. Discipline should be private rather than public, aiming at restoration rather than shame. Our goal is for children to understand the connection between disobedience and consequence and then to experience reconciliation afterward.

As children grow older, discipline shifts from physical correction to verbal reproof and instruction. This is most effective when a strong bond of affection already exists. Fathers should clearly explain the Biblical basis for their expectations and the wisdom behind boundaries, helping children internalize truth and grow in discernment.

Fatherly Nurture

Disciplinary protection must be connected to fatherly nurture through discipleship. Fathers must personally lead their children toward faith in the Lord and ongoing growth. This nurturing role defines the role of a father and is central to Biblical fatherhood. It is the father who first implores, “My son, give me your heart” (Prov. 23:26), who later gains a hearing when correction is required.

Just as a Godly husband seeks to know his wife’s heart, a Godly father aims for the hearts of his sons and daughters. He does not define success merely by behavior but by character and faith. Discipleship aims at the heart — the desires, aspirations, identity, and purpose of a child. Through patience, presence, prayer, and persistence, fathers model what it means to be strong and courageous in faith.

It takes time and effort to reach our children’s hearts, but it is worth it. Fathers give their hearts to their children by spending time with them, sharing life, worshiping together, and walking through hardship and joy side by side. This is how faith is passed on and how children are prepared to follow Christ.

I have come up with a four-step approach to reaching the hearts of our children: Read – Pray – Work – Play.

1. Read

A father disciples his children by reading the Bible to them and talking about Biblical truths. At its best, this will take place in times set apart for family worship, but it also happens naturally as we go through our day. Paul reminds us that “faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ” (Rom. 10:17). The only way anyone ever comes to faith in Jesus is through the power of God’s Word. This is why Bible verses for men are not merely for personal growth but for shaping the next generation.

Far too many fathers make the mistake of outsourcing their children’s discipleship. They take them to church, place them in youth programs, or rely entirely on Christian schools. These supports can be helpful, but no one can replace a father’s influence. This is a core truth of Biblical fatherhood and the role of a father in God’s design. You do not need to be a theologian to read Scripture with your children. What matters most is consistency, humility, and faithfulness.

A father who claims he has no time to read Scripture with his family should honestly reexamine his priorities. It does not take long to read a passage at breakfast or after dinner and talk briefly about it. When a father opens the Bible with his children, he is exercising spiritual leadership and shaping their hearts in ways no one else can. God’s Word binds the hearts of fathers and children together in shared truth and conviction.

2. Pray

We nurture our children by praying for them and with them. A father has much to bring before the Lord on behalf of his children, and God delights to hear those prayers. When children regularly hear their father pray, they learn that prayer is not a ritual but a living conversation with God. This habit shapes their understanding of faith, strength, and dependence on the Lord.

A father’s prayers should include praise, thanksgiving, confession, and intercession. We pray for our children’s character, friendships, faith, and future. We also pray about the things that burden their hearts. Inviting children to pray for us teaches humility and models what it means to act like men who depend on God rather than pretending to be self-sufficient.

In prayer, a father shows his children what it means to be strong and courageous—not by relying on his own strength, but by trusting the Lord. This is how children learn that true strength comes from God.

3. Work

A father should work with his children. This includes chores at home, school projects, service at church, and shared responsibilities. Working together builds trust, discipline, and shared purpose.
It also reinforces the truth that work is a gift from God and a calling to be stewarded well.

Whether it is painting a room, mowing the lawn, practicing a sport, or helping with homework, these moments form deep bonds. A father’s encouraging presence in his child’s work communicates value and a sense of belonging. This reflects healthy Biblical masculinity, where strength is expressed through presence, patience, and investment.

Children who work alongside their fathers learn perseverance, responsibility, and joy in accomplishment. These shared efforts knit hearts together in a way that lectures never can.

4. Play

Finally, a father connects with his children through play. Play builds joy, safety, and closeness. When children are young, this may mean sitting on the floor with toys or heading outside to play. As they grow older, play may include sports, hobbies, games, or shared interests.

Play communicates delight. It tells a child, “I enjoy being with you.” This is a powerful message that strengthens identity and security. Fathers who play with their children are quietly teaching them about love, attention, and belonging. This kind of presence reflects the heart of a man of God, who mirrors God’s delight in his children.

Laughter, shared victories, and even shared disappointments form memories that last a lifetime. These moments become anchors of relationship when children face challenges later in life.

Bringing It Together

This is a simple but profound framework for faithful fatherhood: Read. Pray. Work. Play. These practices define how to be a good father and prepare men for the lifelong calling of raising Godly children.

This kind of fatherhood requires time, because time is the currency through which a father earns the right to say, “My son, my daughter, give me your heart.” And when a father gives his heart first, his children are far more likely to give theirs in return.

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Discussion & Reflection:

  1. What kind of relationship did you have with your father? What strengths do you want to emulate, and what patterns do you want to avoid?
  2. If you are a father, which of these four areas — Read, Pray, Work, or Play — needs the most growth right now? If you are not yet a father, how can you begin preparing today to live out faithful Biblical fatherhood in the future?

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Conclusion

Undoubtedly, marriage and fatherhood take up a large portion of a man’s relational space,
but they are not the only arenas in which Biblical manhood is lived out. God places men into many relationships where faithfulness matters deeply. One of the most important of these is the local church. Scripture calls men to active, committed membership in faithful churches, where spiritual leadership is exercised not through dominance but through service. When God places a man in positions of responsibility, he is to lead with humility, conviction, and faithfulness to God’s Word —this is the essence of servant leadership.

Within the church, men are called to “work and keep” in ways appropriate to their roles. A man
of God encourages fellow believers, disciples younger men, and guards Biblical truth against compromise. He protects the church not with harshness, but with courage, discernment, and love for Christ’s bride. In this way, he lives out Biblical manhood not only at home, but within the body of Christ.

A Godly man also has a vocation. In the workplace, the same principles of Biblical manhood continue to bear fruit. Whether he is an employee or a leader, he works diligently and with integrity. If entrusted with authority, he accepts responsibility for those under his care. A Godly employer builds people up rather than exploiting them, reflecting the characteristics of a Godly man through fairness, honesty, and accountability. He also protects others from corruption, deceit, and destructive workplace cultures, understanding that leadership always carries moral weight.

Friendship is another vital arena for living out Biblical masculinity. Scripture gives us a beautiful picture of the covenant friendship between David and Jonathan. Their relationship was marked by loyalty, encouragement, and sacrificial care (1 Sam. 18–20). They guarded one another’s reputations and stood firm in adversity. Such friendships model Biblical masculinity, where strength is expressed through faithfulness, courage, and love for what is right.

As we said at the beginning, the Biblical calling to manhood is simple — but it is not easy. Men are called to exercise leadership over the people and responsibilities God entrusts to them, and they are to do so by “working and keeping”— building others up and guarding what is good. This calling applies across every relationship, whether in the home, the church, the workplace, or friendships.

I would like to conclude by sharing the story of a man who deeply impacted my own life when I was a new believer. I met Lawrence on the night I first heard the Gospel and came to faith in Jesus Christ. He was an older man serving quietly as a deacon at the door of the church I had visited. After my conversion, I began attending regularly, often alone, eager to hear God’s Word and grow in faith. After some time, Lawrence approached me, introduced himself, and asked about my walk with Christ. He invited me to breakfast, where he shared his testimony and patiently taught me how to read Scripture and pray.

Over the years, Lawrence became a steady presence in my life. He prayed for me, encouraged me, and modeled what it meant to be strong and courageous in faith without being harsh or proud. He embodied the quiet strength of a Godly man who understood his calling.

I will never forget Lawrence’s funeral. He was not a famous man and had little worldly wealth, yet the church was filled. Testimony after testimony was given about how God had used him. His children spoke of his love and faithfulness as a father. Others shared how he had discipled them, walked with them through trials, and pointed them consistently to Christ. After the service, one of my fellow pastors said something that has stayed with me ever since: “It just goes to show what God will do in the life of any man who wholeheartedly consecrates himself to Jesus Christ.”

Those words capture the heart of this field guide. Imagine what God may do through your life if you commit yourself to the pattern of Biblical manhood revealed in Scripture. Imagine the eternal fruit borne through faithful obedience in ordinary relationships. Perhaps one day, others will testify to how God used your life to bless them. But even now, as you live out the calling to be a faithful Christian man, those you love most will be shaped — and blessed — for eternity by the grace of God at work in you.

Endnotes

Richard D. Phillips, The Masculine Mandate: God’s Calling to Men (Ligonier Ministries, 2016).

About the Author

RICHARD D. PHILLIPS is Senior Minister of the historic Second Presbyterian Church in Greenville,
SC. He is also an adjunct professor at Westminster Theological Seminary, the author of forty-five books, and a frequent speaker at conferences on the Bible and Reformed Theology. He and
his wife, Sharon, have five children and live in Greenville, SC. Rick is an avid follower of University
of Michigan sports, enjoys reading historical fiction, and regularly watches Masterpiece Theatre together with his wife.

#11 Forgiveness: What the Bible Teaches About Letting Go

Part 1: What and Why?

Jessica sat across the table from her friend Kaitlin. Her heart was in knots because she knew she needed to tell her that she’d lied. She had been afraid of what Kaitlin might think if she knew the truth, so she withheld information and deceived her friend. Kaitlin was going to be blindsided and probably (justifiably) angry. Looking her friend in the eye, Jessica said, “I need to ask you to forgive me. I lied to you, and I am very sorry.”

Sadly, this sort of conversation is necessary in a fallen world. But what exactly is Jessica asking Kaitlin to do? If both are Christians, what is expected of them? How should Kaitlin respond? Is forgiveness optional? Is it essential? Does forgiving mean that everything will be forgotten, and their friendship will return to how it was? What is forgiveness? Understanding it is tricky but fundamental for followers of Jesus.

What Is Forgiveness?

The Old and New Testaments use at least six words to describe aspects of forgiveness. Some words only refer to God forgiving sinners, while others also capture what people do in extending forgiveness to fellow sinners. At the heart of all these words is the concept of canceling debt, revealing forgiveness in the Bible.

For our purposes, we’ll define forgiveness this way: Forgiveness is the gracious canceling of the debt amassed by sin and the choice to relate to that person as forgiven—a clear definition of forgiveness that reflects Biblical forgiveness.

Forgiving does not mean we must forget the grievous actions committed against us.

Forgiving is not the same as reconciling and restoring a broken relationship.

Forgiving does not necessarily remove the need for restitution to fix a wrong done.

Forgiving does not mean you should protect someone from proper legal consequences.

Forgiving cancels relational debt, but it is not free. It has been said, “[forgiveness costs] us deeply because through it we choose to lay down our right to have our offender owe us. It asks us to extend love and kindness even when it’s undeserved, to trust God to avenge our situation instead of ourselves, and to use life’s conflicts as opportunities to display God’s character.”1

Few stories in Scripture better capture the essence of forgiveness than Jesus’ parable of the unforgiving servant recorded in Matthew 18:21–35. If you haven’t read it recently, take a moment to read it afresh.

The parable was provoked when Peter approached Jesus and asked, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Peter’s proposal was an attempt to surpass the rabbinic tradition of the day, which only required three acts of forgiveness. But Jesus stunned Peter by replying, “I do not say to you seven times, but forgive seventy seven times.”

To illustrate his point, Jesus told a story of a king who called his accounts to be settled. One debtor owed the king an exorbitant sum (roughly $5.8 billion). The man fell to his knees and begged, “Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.” The man’s ludicrous offer moved the king with compassion, and “he released him and forgave him the debt.” But no sooner than the forgiven man skipped out of the palace, he found someone who owed him roughly $10,000, and he “began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’” The debtor pleaded with the forgiven man, “Have patience with me, and I will pay you.” Rather than remember the mercy he had received after making the same plea, the forgiven man put the debtor into prison.

Bewilderment over his calloused response sent shockwaves through the kingdom, eventually reaching the king. The king summoned the man, rebuked him, revoked his forgiveness, and sentenced him to life in prison. Jesus concluded the parable with his main point: “So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart” (Matt. 18:35).

The parable reveals at least three principles about forgiveness.

Forgiveness is essential. Jesus expects forgiven people to forgive. If God has forgiven you the tremendous debt you owe for sin done against him, then you must be willing to forgive those who sin against you. Struggling to forgive is a reasonable response. Sin hurts us, often profoundly. But if you harden your heart against God’s command and fall into unforgiveness, it may mean you are being presumptuous about God’s mercy toward you and that you have not actually been forgiven.

Forgiveness is motivated by forgiveness. Every reader expects the king’s compassion to transform the debtor’s life. The forgiven man should have been so moved by the mercy he’d received that he couldn’t help but extend mercy to others. The loving-kindness lavished on him should inspire his heart to overflow with a willingness to forgive.

Forgiveness must be unlimited. When Jesus tells Peter to forgive up to seventy-seven times, he’s not simply raising the bar — he’s removing the roof. Forgiveness is to be unlimited for Jesus’ disciples. We are to be always willing, ready, and desirous to extend forgiveness to others.

Why Should We Forgive?

While God’s forgiveness toward us ought to be reason enough to forgive, Scripture supplies other motivations — clearly answering why should we forgive. What follows are four of the clearest reasons Christians ought to forgive those who sin against them.

1. Jesus commands forgiveness.

    Jesus does not mince words: “Forgive and you will be forgiven” (Luke 6:37). The Lord’s prayer echoes the same exhortation, “Pray then like this…Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil…For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you” (Matt. 6:9–14). When we pray this way, we say to God, “Deal with my sins against you in the same way I deal with others who have sinned against me.” Can you pray that way with a clear conscience? Can you say before the face of God, “Forgive me in the same way I forgive other people?” Those are bold prayers.

    To be unwilling to forgive is to sin against Jesus in a way that calls our profession of faith into serious question. But when we forgive, we walk in his way. As a friend once said, “We are never more like Jesus than when we forgive.”2 Indeed, believers are forgivers. But we need not forgive out of compulsion, for “his commandments are not burdensome” (1 John 5:3). Rather, as we grow in love for God who forgave us, we are moved to extend love in the form of forgiveness. As it is written, “he who is forgiven little loves little” but he who has been forgiven much loves much (Luke 7:36–50).

    2. Forgiveness frees our hearts.

    It has been said, “Bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” An unforgiving spirit has deadly effects on our hearts. Bethany understood this all too well. She lost her grandson to a tragic shooting, and a year later, her son died of an accidental overdose. He had gotten clean but, in a weak moment, took pills that took his life. Bethany loved the Lord, but her broken heart was enraged at the man who dealt the drugs to her son.

    Roughly a year later, Bethany received a call from the man who had given her son the pills. He pled for her forgiveness, saying that his role in her son’s death had been eating him alive. Bethany told him, “Since Jesus has forgiven me so much, I want to forgive you.” Afterward, she told me, “It felt like a weight was lifted off me. I didn’t realize how much my hatred was dragging me down.” Forgiveness set her free from resentment.

    But we must not forgive merely to make ourselves feel better. We cannot reduce our walk with God to therapeutic pragmatism. Rather, forgiveness is an act of faith that obeys God’s command, trusting that it will be worth it. Forgiving leads to freedom and the joy Jesus promises to those who obey him: “These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full” (John 15:11). Forgiveness glorifies God and, mysteriously, brings healing to our souls. We were not designed to harbor resentment, vengeance, or bitterness. Forgiving does not fix all wrongs, but it is a way of letting go of anger and entrusting God with evils committed against us, knowing that he will address them in ways only he can. When we forgive, we trust God, who said, “Vengeance is mine; I will repay” (Rom. 12:19).

    3. Forgiveness thwarts Satan’s schemes.

    It appears that someone in the Corinthian church was influenced by false teachers and revolted against the Apostle Paul. The congregation responded by exercising church discipline on him. We aren’t sure of all the details, but a “punishment by the majority” of the congregation had taken place (2 Cor. 2:6).

    Eventually, the man repented of his sin and sought forgiveness from the church. But some were hesitant to reconcile with him, revealing the tension between forgiveness and reconciliation. This led Paul to exhort them, “You should…turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. So I beg you to reaffirm your love for him…I have forgiven… in the presence of Christ…so that we would not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs” (2 Cor. 2:8–11).

    Paul warns the Corinthians that Satan was circling their church like a shark in bloody water. He was scheming to devour the man, the church, and their witness for Jesus. In just a few verses, Paul shines a light on at least four of Satan’s schemes.

    First, Satan desires to hinder forgiveness. God desires his church to be a billboard displaying his forgiving love. Satan wants to tear it down by thwarting forgiveness, fueling bitterness, and deepening division. Paul begs that they make their love for him clear — leaving no doubt in his mind about what God thinks of him. They’d been faithful to discipline him; now, they must be faithful to forgive and restore him.

    Second, Satan desires to heap shame. Rather than have the man be embraced by the church, Satan wants him to be “overwhelmed by excessive sorrow.” The words he uses are graphic depictions of the man being swallowed up with debilitating anxiety beyond his capacity to bear. Satan wants to shackle him with shame so he cannot walk in the freedom of God’s restoring love. The devil desires to crush him with condemnation so that his perseverance in faith might be hindered. The church, however, must bear the weight of his sorrow by forgiving others. They must heal his shame with the balm of forgiving grace.

    Third, Satan desires to provoke pride. Instead of allowing the church to deepen in Christ-like humility, he wants to stoke the church’s self-righteous pride. He wants those who didn’t succumb to the man’s temptation to be blinded to their own need for grace. By doing this, the church will grow callous toward one another and eventually toward Christ. Instead, the Corinthians are to look to Christ and be humbled that their sin was also to blame for his crucifixion. They may not have sinned in the same way this man had, but they were sinners, nonetheless. They, like him, were debtors to grace.

    Fourth, Satan desires to grieve Jesus. Satan knows that God is grieved when believers withhold love from one another (Eph. 4:30). Just as Jesus walks among his churches in Revelation 2–3, so he walks among the Corinthian church. This is why Paul says, “I have forgiven…in the presence of Christ” (literally, “in the face of Christ,” 2 Cor. 5:10). Paul wants them to understand that how they respond to the call to forgive will either grieve or please Jesus. They must not succumb to Satan’s schemes.

    Extending forgiveness is spiritual warfare. Canceling debt and comforting those who have sinned against us is Christ-like. Forgiving others keeps us from falling into Satan’s trap.

    4. Forgiveness commends the Gospel.

    If there was anyone the church should have shunned, it was Saul. He approved of Stephen’s execution, hunted believers house to house, and incited government assistance to exterminate the church (Acts 8:1–3, 9:1–2). Apart from divine intervention, Saul seemed invincible. Yet, the Lord stopped Saul’s attacks and redeemed him to love the church he once sought to destroy (Acts 9:1–9).

    But before Saul began ministering to others, Jesus called Ananias to serve as a portrait of Gospel forgiveness to Saul. In Acts 9:17, we see the moment they met: “Ananias…entered the house. And laying his hands on him, he said, ‘Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus…sent me so that you may regain your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit’…Then he rose and was baptized; and taking food, he was strengthened. For some days, he was with the disciples at Damascus.”

    In a tender moment of Gospel affection, Ananias lovingly laid his hands on Saul — the one who’d hatefully laid hands on Christians. He spoke to him, saying, “Brother Saul.” Saul had afflicted the family, but now he was adopted into it. Fresh from the waters of baptism, Saul dined with the disciples. Their feasting was possible because of forgiveness. When we forgive others, we present a similar portrait to the world — a living expression of forgiving others — saying, “This is the kind of love Jesus has shown to me; come and meet him. We love because he first loved us.”

    —

    Discussion & Reflection:

    1. Did this section correct any misunderstandings of forgiveness you’ve had? How did it clarify things for you? Could you write a succinct description of forgiveness — your own definition of forgiveness?
    2. Of the four reasons to forgive listed above, which was the most challenging or convicting for you? Is there anything you’d add?

    —

    Part 2: Who and How?

    Scripture supplies clarity on who and how Christians are to forgive. Simply saying “always forgive everyone” is not accurate and certainly isn’t as helpful for people grappling with real hurts and a desire to honor the Lord. What follows are several Scripture-saturated principles to guide our efforts in how to forgive.

    You should initiate forgiveness.

    Believers have the responsibility to initiate forgiveness. We are to pursue both forgiving and being forgiven. In Matthew 5:23-24, Jesus says, “If you are offering your gift at the altar and you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First, be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”

    God expects us to be humbly aware of ways relationships may need repair. If we have sinned against someone else, we must pursue forgiveness and reconciliation. Jesus’ illustration is striking. He says that if you’re in the middle of intimate worship with God, and he brings to mind a neighbor, family member, co-worker, college acquaintance, or fellow church member — anyone whom you’ve sinned against — you’re to stop worshiping and pursue reconciliation.

    To highlight the weight of Jesus’ teaching, consider a geographical observation. Offerings were made in the temple in Jerusalem. When Jesus delivered one of the most practical Bible verses about forgiveness in Matthew 5, he was in Galilee (Matt. 4:23). If you break out your Bible map, you’ll notice that Galilee was between 70–80 miles from Jerusalem. Without a car or bike, that’s a several-day journey. Jesus says that if you go all the way to Jerusalem and remember an offense — turn around. Go home. Make it right. Then come back. True worship is more than an offering — it’s reconciling love.

    But what if someone has sinned against you? Are you justified in bitterly awaiting them to come to you or passively avoiding them until they die? No. Jesus says we are to pursue them. Consider Matthew 18:15, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” This is revolutionary teaching. In Matthew 5 and 18, who does Jesus expect to initiate reconciliation? You. Me. Us. In every situation, regardless of who is at fault, Jesus calls us to initiate forgiveness — shaping how believers learn how to forgive someone.

    In both passages, Jesus commands forgiveness of “your brother.” Does this mean we can withhold forgiveness from unbelievers? No. Listen to Jesus’ instruction in Mark 11:25, “Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” If anyone who has done anything comes to mind, we are to extend forgiveness to them. The Apostle Paul echoes the same idea in Romans 12:18, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all people.” God calls us to do all we can to pursue peace, regardless of what others do. We shouldn’t feel justified in waiting for others to initiate reconciliation. God calls us to make the first step.

    We should notice Paul’s qualification “if possible” (Rom. 12:18). There are cases where peace and reconciliation are impossible. If someone is unwilling to acknowledge a sin or is dangerous due to unrepentance, forgiveness cannot produce peaceful reconciliation. We’ll address tricky implications in a moment, but be sure that forgiveness is a radical call to pursue Christ-like love.

    Forgive with urgent patience.

    Jacob’s father was unfaithful to his mother and emotionally manipulated Jacob to make him feel like their divorce was his fault. Jacob’s father hadn’t spoken to him in nearly seven years, and the wounds had calloused over into a quiet bitterness — until Jacob met Jesus. As Jacob read the New Testament, God compelled him to consider forgiving his father. But how should he do it? With urgent patience.

    Urgency. If we wait to forgive until we feel like it, we may never do it. Wounds like Jacob’s breed feelings of entitlement and callousness. But believers should not be led by their feelings. Instead, they must lead their feelings to submit to God and work toward forgiveness. Because forgiving others is an act of obedience to God, we must not delay in doing it
    (cf. Matt. 5:23–24; Mark 11:25).

    Patience. Forgiving another person must not be done flippantly. Jesus calls us to count the cost of obedience (Luke 14:25–33). True forgiveness often requires much prayer, scriptural preparation, and wise counsel. Jacob’s fresh conviction needed time to discern the best way to approach his father and how to prepare his heart if his dad responded poorly.

    Jacob prayed Psalm 119:32, asking God to help him forgive, “I will run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart!” He desired to forgive urgently because God commanded it but approached obedience patiently because he needed God to enable his heart.

    Forgive by looking to and leaning upon Jesus.

    Navigating hurts, harms, and betrayals by ourselves feels impossible. But rather than remain hopeless, we should look to the Lord for help. Jesus has invited us, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matt. 11:28). Jesus will help you to forgive. Look to him and lean on him for strength. Paul used this motivation when urging the Ephesians to flourish in love: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Eph. 4:32).

    Look to Jesus and see justice. The cross is God’s declaration that sin will not be winked at in his universe. God righteously detests our sins so much that his Son was crushed for them. Indeed, “He was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed” (Isa. 53:4–5). God’s goodness shows itself in swinging the sword of justice upon the brow of the innocent One.

    The alternative to the cross is the eternal lake of fire. If sinners do not flee to Jesus, who was judged in their place, they will fall under the just judgment of God in hell. Vengeance is the Lord’s and he will have it (Deut. 32:35; Rom. 12:19–20). Jesus promises us that every idle word spoken will be called to account (Matt. 12:36) and that when we are treated unjustly, we should follow his example, for “When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly” (1 Pet. 2:23). Trusting that God judges justly frees us to forgive generously — even when forgiving others feels costly.

    Forgiving does not say to our offenders, “What you did is ok” or “It’s not that big of a deal.” No! Forgiveness does not minimize wrongs done to us. All wrongs done will be dealt with justly. The assurance of justice liberates us to forgive. A sister in our church who had a painful past relationship with her cruel mother said that she is comforted greatly when our church sings, “For my life he bled and died, Christ will hold me fast; Justice has been satisfied, he will hold me fast.”3 She knows that her own sins have been dealt with in Christ, but she’s also reminded of the holiness of God and the fact that all sin, including the sin done to her by her mother, will be dealt with justly — either at the cross or in hell.

    Look to Jesus and see mercy. Nothing moves the heart to forgive like having been forgiven. God’s mercy toward you in Christ is the most potent weapon against a bitter heart. If you are struggling to forgive, turn your attention to the mercy of Jesus. Consider how patiently he pursued you. Consider how compassionate he was toward your calloused heart. Look to the cross and see the Son of God bleeding for you. Hear him cry out, “It is finished!” and know that his work was finished for you. Hear the heart of God saying, “I have no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Lord God; so turn, and live” (Ezek. 18:32). Ask God to give you the same type of compassion toward those who have hurt you.

    Lean on Jesus for strength. Forgiveness requires supernatural strength. Thankfully, God supplies strength to obey all he commands us to do (Phil. 2:13). Jesus warns us, “Apart from me, you can do nothing” (John 15:5) while assuring us that “I am with you always, to the end of the age” (Matt. 28:20). Are you too weak and tired to extend forgiveness? There is good news for you. Jesus promises, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor. 12:9). How do we access this strength? Pray. Read Scripture. Sing to the Lord. Worship eagerly. Keep seeking Jesus through his Word. Open your life to another believer who can encourage you and challenge you to trust God. As you do, you’ll be changed and empowered to extend forgiveness.

    Trust Jesus for results. Lynn loved her grandmother, but family drama had strained their relationship.
    She desired to reconcile with her aging grandmother, so she initiated a conversation aimed at reconciliation — a painful example of forgiveness and reconciliation not always moving together. Lynn prayed, prepared, and came up with every way she could apologize for what had transpired. When she visited her grandmother, she poured out her heart and asked for forgiveness. But rather than receive mercy, her grandmother looked her in the eyes and said, “You’re dead to me. Leave this house and never come back.”

    It was a crushing blow to Lynn, who had done all she could to make things right. This story reminds us that only God can change a heart. At first glance, it may seem that Lynn’s efforts were wasted. They were not. She labored with God for months leading up to that conversation, and it radically changed her life. She was humbled, her faith was strengthened, and those who walked with her were encouraged to examine their own lives. Lynn’s responsibility was to pursue peace and leave the results up to God faithfully (Rom. 12:18). As you pursue peace and reconciliation with others, pray for God to help you, but know that his timing may not be yours. Sow and water seeds, but remember that God gives the growth
    (1 Cor. 3:6).

    Forgive with the help of other believers.

    The Christian life is not meant to be lived in isolation. God has called us out of sin and into Christ — and Christ’s church. Believers are united as a family that loves one another and encourages one another in obedience to Jesus. The author of Hebrews commands us, “exhort one another every day, as long as it is called ‘today,’ that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin” (Heb. 3:14). Unforgiveness has a deceiving effect on our hearts. It convinces us that we are entitled to bitterness. If we foster unforgiveness, our ability to persevere in faith will be endangered. This is why we need Godly friends who exhort us each day to lean on God for strength to forgive. We need them to pray for us, counsel us, encourage us, keep us accountable, and weep or rejoice with us along the way.

    Philemon was a faithful believer from Colossae. He was wealthy enough to host a church in his home and had a household servant named Onesimus. Onesimus apparently stole something from Philemon and fled to Rome, hoping to get a fresh start. God, however, had other plans. Onesimus providentially crossed paths with the Apostle Paul, who led him to faith in Christ. Onesimus became convicted that he needed to return and reconcile with Philemon. Paul composed a letter pleading for Philemon to extend forgiveness and receive Onesimus as a brother in Christ — a clear call to forgiving others. If you haven’t read it recently, take a moment to read the book of Philemon.

    In the letter, we find seven ways Paul stirs forgiveness and reconciliation.

    First, Paul encourages Onesimus’s repentance. By sending Onesimus to Philemon, Paul is helping Onesimus live out the repentance God has worked in him. We don’t know how much Paul helped Onesimus understand his sin against Philemon, but it seems highly likely that it would have been central to many of their conversations. If you are discipling someone, regularly discuss any strained relationships and ways forgiveness may need to be asked for or extended. Be a friend like Paul and have a friend like Paul to spur you on in obedience to God.

    Second, Paul encourages Philemon’s faith (v4–7, 21). Throughout the letter, Paul highlights Philemon’s love and faith (v5), which have provoked joy and refreshment among believers (v7). He speaks of confidence in Philemon’s obedience, trusting that he’ll go over and above what has been asked (v21). Paul also assures Philemon that he is praying for him (v6). Prayer is not a mere kindness toward another believer who is trying to extend forgiveness. Prayer is essential because it invokes the power of Almighty God to intervene. Onesimus needs spiritual strength to humbly seek forgiveness. Philemon needs spiritual strength to extend forgiveness. Prayer pleads with God to give it — a fitting prayer for forgiveness in action. If you’re helping someone forgive, provoke them to obedience by regularly praying for them and encouraging ways you’ve seen God work in their life.

    Third, Paul leverages his relationship (v8–14). Paul had a long-standing relationship with Philemon and serves as a faithful example of how to steward relational capital. Don’t hesitate to draw upon relational currency to push people toward obedience to God. Why else has God given you the relationship? Nothing shows love like helping a friend obey the Lord.

    Fourth, Paul calls Philemon to full-hearted obedience (v8–9). Paul wasn’t just concerned with the outcome of the intervention. He knows that true, lasting change only comes from a heart that has been changed. So, rather than manipulate Philemon into welcoming Onesimus out of compulsion, he stirs compassion. Prayerfully help people desire to forgive from the heart rather than dutifully go through the motions — the difference between outward compliance and true Biblical forgiveness.

    Fifth, Paul highlights God’s sovereign work (v15–16). Paul helps Philemon see the big picture of God’s sovereign work in their situation. He does not downplay the offense Onesimus committed or belittle the betrayal Philemon felt. Onesimus stole from Philemon and disrespected him. But he lifts Philemon’s eyes by saying, “Perhaps this is why he was parted from you for a while” (v15). He wants him to consider that God’s gracious providence let Onesimus run from him right into the arms of Christ. It was all part of God’s plan “that you might have him back forever…and not just as a bondservant…but as a beloved brother.” Find someone who can help you see the big picture of how God might be working in the midst of your situation.

    Sixth, Paul offers to repay any debts (v17–19). Paul wants nothing material to stand in the way of reconciliation. He offers to assist in restitution if it would encourage Philemon to forgive Onesimus. This follows the model of Jesus, who sacrificed his rights, glory, and life to bless others. If you have the means and can help remove physical barriers to reconciliation by paying debts or loaning money, consider following Paul’s example.

    Seventh, Paul highlights spiritual benefits (v20). Paul urges forgiveness by saying, “I want some benefit from you in the Lord. Refresh my heart in Christ” (v20). Paul assures Philemon that being God’s instrument of mercy in Onesimus’s life will also bless him. He wants to be encouraged by seeing the Gospel lived out. He longs to see Philemon view his former bondservant as a beloved brother in Christ. He pleads with Philemon to be a messenger of mercy who embodies the Gospel. Reminding people of the importance of forgiveness, along with its life-giving ripple effects in this life, can supply much-needed fuel to pursue reconciliation.

    Extending forgiveness can be uniquely grueling and is best pursued with the help of friends who are quick to remind you of the Gospel. Who is helping you navigate these tricky waters as you practice forgiving others? How can you help others do the same?

    Forgive by trusting God’s sovereign goodness.

    Few stories in Scripture illustrate the interplay between God’s sovereign goodness and the extension of forgiveness like the story of Joseph (Gen. 37–50). Joseph was one of twelve brothers. His father, Jacob, had a unique love for Joseph that provoked bitter jealousy from his brothers. A plot formed among them where they kidnapped Joseph, sold him as a slave, and then staged his death. Upon returning home, the brothers lied to their father, telling him that Joseph had been killed by a wild animal.

    Joseph was taken to Egypt, where he underwent a series of tragic hardships that left him falsely accused, imprisoned, and forgotten by everyone — except God. After roughly 20 years, the Lord used an interpreted dream to establish Joseph as second in command in Egypt. A worldwide famine led people to flock to Egypt to buy bread from Joseph, including his brothers. Joseph recognized them, but time had hidden his identity from them.

    After a series of perplexing events, the brothers became convinced that their troubles were God’s punishment for what they had done to Joseph. He discerned that they were deeply regretful for their sin against him and even saw one of his brothers, Judah, offer to endanger his life to spare his younger brother Benjamin.

    Joseph became overwhelmed with emotion and revealed his identity to his brothers. Surprise was eclipsed by terror as they feared that Joseph would use his power to repay them for what they had done. But instead, he showed them mercy and asked them to bring Jacob to Egypt to be cared for by him. Once Jacob died, the brothers once again feared, saying, “It may be that Joseph will hate us and pay us back for all the evil that we did to him” (Gen. 50:15). After learning of their fears, “Joseph wept…[and] said to them, ‘Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.” (Gen. 50:17–20).

    We could mine many lessons about forgiveness from this story, but the most glaring is that God’s sovereign goodness freed Joseph from the need to avenge himself. Joseph was able to appreciate the way God’s wisdom had arranged circumstances, including being betrayed and sold by his brothers, to bring about good — a vivid example of the power of forgiveness in the Bible. The privilege of seeing such clear connections between God’s purposes and our pain may happen in this life, but they are rarer than we would prefer.

    More often, we are forced to look to eternity, to the future where God assures us that “this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison” (2 Cor. 5:18). When God says our afflictions in this life are light, he is not minimizing our pain; he is magnifying the coming glory. He is using the abuse, betrayal, slander, assaults, neglect, oppression, and pain of this life to prepare an eternal joy that will far outweigh them. So, no matter how weighty our wounds, the weight of glory that Jesus is bringing with him far outweighs them.

    In Romans 8:28, we are promised “that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Not all things are good in this life, but God is good. And if we can rest in that fact, we will be free to extend forgiveness in this life — answering both why should we forgive and how to forgive in light of eternity — because we know he will make it right in the life to come, as affirmed throughout forgiving others scripture.

    —

    Discussion & Reflection:

    1. Did any of this section challenge you? Are there any situations in your life that would benefit from what you’ve just read?
    2. How does true forgiveness reflect Biblical forgiveness — what God does for us in Christ?

    —

    Part 3: Sticky Forgiveness

    Forgiveness in a fallen world is almost always tricky. Wounds are personal and the application of the principles we have discussed will look different for many people. I intentionally reserved these clarifying points until the end. If you are like me, you can be tempted to see your pain as so unique that it may excuse you from following the clear and weighty words of Jesus. Nuancing is important, but if done unwisely, it can lead to stripping the heart out of God’s command to forgive. At the same time, forgiveness can be messy, as evidenced by the six following questions.

    Question #1: Must I forgive and forget?

    There are sayings people assume are in the Bible but aren’t. “God helps those who help themselves” and “God will not give you more than you can handle” are two examples. As a young child, a Sunday school teacher taught me another. In a lesson on forgiveness, she told us that God wanted us to “forgive and forget.” At the time, it seemed reasonable, even Biblical advice. But God does not command us to forgive and forget — a distinction that helps clarify what is forgiveness according to forgiveness in the Bible.

    Scripture does say:

    “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense” (Prov. 19:11).

    “[love]…is not resentful” (or “keeps no record of wrongs,” NIV84) (1 Cor. 13:5).

    “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Pet. 4:8).

    Yes, we are to be magnanimous with sinners. But that doesn’t mean we always “forgive and forget.” This saying likely finds its roots in how God deals with our sins. In Psalm 103:12, we are told, “As far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.” The distance between east and west is incalculable. When God forgives, he removes our sins as far as our minds can imagine — a clear picture of what is Biblical forgiveness and the true definition of forgiveness found in Scripture.

    The prophet Micah proclaims, “He will again have compassion on us; he will tread our iniquities underfoot. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea” (Mic. 7:19). When God forgives, he goes mafia on our sins and sends them to the bottom of the ocean, never to be seen again. Isaiah assures us,
    “I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins” (Isa. 43:25).

    These verses do not mean that the omniscient God cannot remember our sins. He is not ignorant of what we’ve done. Instead, it means that because Jesus has paid for those sins in full, we are forgiven, and “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Rom. 8:1). God will never bring up our sins to shame or condemn us. We have been reconciled to him. He has forgiven and chosen to forget our sins — inviting us not only to forgive and be forgiven, but also to walk in freedom, even when learning the difficult work of forgiving yourself.

    We can long to forgive as God does, but our human weakness hinders us. This is why we need to rely on God’s grace for help navigating the tricky realities of forgiving those who have sinned against us. One crucial reality to remember is the distinction between forgiveness vs reconciliation and restoration.

    Forgiveness → Reconciliation → Restoration

    ForgivenessReconciliationRestoration
    DecisionProcessResult

    Forgiveness is a decision in which we choose to cancel the relational debt of another who has sinned against us. From that point on, we choose to relate to them as forgiven. Forgiveness is spoken of on two levels in Scripture: attitudinal and reconciled.4

    Attitudinal forgiveness (sometimes called vertical) describes the attitude or heart-level forgiveness in which we forgive people, regardless of whether they have repented or not — a clear expression of Biblical forgiveness. Jesus says, “Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses” (Mark 11:25). As soon as a Christian finds unforgiveness in their heart, they confess it and entrust the situation to God. Genuine forgiveness will show itself in freedom from a desire for vengeance and a desire to see the offender made right with God (Rom. 12:17–21).

    Amber’s father was a wicked man. He berated her and her mother unceasingly for years. Finally, he left the family and moved in with another lover. He mocked their pain, even writing Amber calloused letters saying he wished she was never born. His words tortured her, yet she was convinced that God wanted her to forgive him. Fear and uncertainty plagued her until a friend helped her see that forgiveness did not mean forgetting and that the decision to forgive her dad was more between her and the Lord than between her and her dad. Amber began to pray for the desire to forgive. Slowly, her heart softened, and she surrendered to the Lord’s call to forgive her father from her heart. Forgiving like this reflects the heart of God, of whom it is said, “You are a God ready to forgive, gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love” (Neh. 9:17). May we ever grow in desiring to forgive like God.

    Reconciled forgiveness (sometimes called horizontal) describes relational forgiveness that extends forgiveness to a repentant offender and begins the reconciliation process — helping clarify forgiveness vs reconciliation. Jesus speaks of this in Luke 17:3–4, “Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.” In this scenario, Jesus is clear, “If he repents, forgive him.” This level of forgiveness is conditional upon the offender confessing and repenting of his or her sin. Attitudinal forgiveness moves toward reconciled forgiveness once there is an acknowledgment of sin.

    Reconciliation is a process in which we learn to relate to the person we have forgiven in ways that, if possible, rebuild trust, heal wounds, and pursue peaceful relations with them — clarifying the relationship between forgiveness and reconciliation. Repentance by the offender must be evidenced for this process to occur. Wisdom is required to discern true repentance and determine the pace of reconciliation.

    True repentance. Second Corinthians 7:10 assures us, “Godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.” Godly grief prepares our hearts for true repentance. This repentance begins with seeing our sin against God (Ps. 51:4) and being grieved that we have grieved him. Worldly grief leads to fake repentance that centers on self-pity. False repentance focuses on damage control, blame-shifting, and excuse-making. It minimizes and rationalizes our sin. True repentance, however, mourns that we have sinned against God and is willing to do whatever it takes to bring healing to the offended person.

    Pace of reconciliation. Reconciliation’s speed may be strikingly brief or quite long, depending upon the severity of the offense and the pace at which God grants healing. Just as reconciliation is a process, repentance is often a process. Most of us get into our messes by taking a thousand small steps in the wrong direction. Repentance is often a thousand small steps in the right direction. Genuine repentance recognizes that their sin may require the pace to move slowly, reinforcing the distinction between forgiveness vs reconciliation. Even when God forgives us, he does not always free us from consequences for our sins. Reconciliation cannot be rushed and typically requires a mature, trained, unbiased person to ensure that conversations are prayerful, honest, and manipulation-free.

    Restoration is the result of forgiveness and reconciliation. It is a relational state of healing in which the pain no longer dominates, healing has happened, and trust has been rebuilt. Not all relationships that have been fractured by sin can be restored. But many can. The power of the Gospel is able to raise dead sinners to life, and it can heal even the most wounded of relationships. Pray for restoration. Labor for restoration. God delights in this work, so do not lose heart. Hope in him who is able to do more than we can ask or imagine (Eph. 3:20).

    Question #2: What if I still feel angry?

    Even after genuinely forgiving, unsettled emotions can flare up unexpectedly. This shouldn’t surprise us. We are not robots who heartlessly navigate life. We are embodied image bearers with real emotions, unstable passions, abiding sin, and ever-changing circumstances. Maybe a memory of how you were hurt sneaks into your mind or perhaps you see old patterns rear their ugly head — and you feel anger simmering in your heart. You may wonder, “Didn’t I forgive them?”

    While forgiveness is a decision, the healing that comes afterward takes time. Remain prayerful. Remain in close community with Gospel-minded people who can help you process both past hurts and present struggles, especially as you continue letting go of anger and guarding against bitterness. The Lord is at work. He is ready and willing to help in every layer of healing. Do not grow weary.

    Question #3: What if forgiveness is dangerous?

    Forgiveness is hard. It will almost always include uncomfortable, painful, or wearisome feelings. But difficulty is different than danger. We have acknowledged that some relationships are so marred by the scars of sin that forgiveness is required, but reconciliation is not advisable or possible (cf. “if possible,” Rom. 12:18), underscoring the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Cases of physical abuse, sexual abuse, or severe emotional manipulation may leave someone so wounded that healing is unattainable this side of heaven.

    If you have been sinned against in ways that make moving from forgiveness to reconciliation dangerous, remember these truths:

    Healing is possible. What you have experienced need not define you. In Christ there is abundant hope for healing. God wastes nothing and will use what has happened to you to deepen your trust in him and to be a source of help for others (2 Cor. 1:3–11).

    Surround yourself with Gospel friends. As we’ve said, walking the path of forgiveness should not be done alone. If you have been deeply hurt, you need a Gospel-centered church and trained Gospel-centered partners to help you process the traumatic experiences you have endured.

    Examine your reasons for not reconciling. Being hurt does not entitle us to avoid challenging acts of faith. What they did to you may indeed be so horrific that you are not able to be around them without having retraumatizing physical and emotional responses. They may not be repentant, which clearly relieves you of the need to pursue reconciliation, highlighting the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation once more. God does not ask you to endanger yourself by extending trust to untrustworthy people. However, he calls you to be willing to do whatever he asks you to do. Process your heart posture before the Lord and with Gospel friends to ensure that any resistance to reconciliation is done by faith and not sinful fear.

    Entrust yourself to God. The Lord knows your weakness (Ps. 103:14). He will be patient with you as you walk the path of healing that he leads you on. Seek him in prayer. When you are afraid, put your trust in him (Ps. 56:3). The Lord knows your weakness and has storehouses full of grace for you (Ps. 31:19; 2 Cor. 12:9). The author of Hebrews summons you, “Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens…who [is able] to sympathize with our weaknesses…Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Heb. 4:14–16). Draw near to Jesus; his grace and mercy will help you.

    If you have sinned against someone in ways that hinder reconciliation, keep these truths in mind:

    You must repent. You will be held accountable for what you have done. No sin will be overlooked on the Last Day. Heed God’s call to repent (Acts 17:30). Confess your sin to God with full honesty (Ps. 51;
    1 John 1:9) as an act of prayer for forgiveness. Repent of your sin completely. Express remorse and ask for those you have hurt to forgive you. If you have sinned against someone in ways they may be considered abusive or dangerous, you should seek counsel from a trained expert before contacting them so they can assist you in the process. Repentance may include involving civil authorities if your actions were illegal. Repentance may include paying restitution for years of counseling expenses (Luke 19:8). True repentance will be demonstrated in doing whatever it takes to walk in the paths of righteousness. Do not fear; God will be with you (Heb. 13:5b–6).

    Forgiveness from God is abundant. There is much hope for you if you have confessed your sin to God and truly repented of it. Where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more (Rom. 5:20). God forgives the worst of sinners so that his mercy can be magnified in and through you (1 Tim. 1:15–16). Those who have been forgiven by God stand as righteous before him. He delights in you despite what you have done. This is the beauty of forgiveness in the Bible.

    Entrust your desires to God. God removes condemnation for our sins, but he does not remove their consequences. Some sins committed will forever change your life and your relationships. You may feel the weight of what you have done and deeply desire reconciliation and forgiveness. Entrust those good desires to God. Initiate contact only through an impartial, trusted mediator. Wait upon the Lord. Willingness to have further conversations may be possible, or they may not. On the Day of Judgment, you will be held accountable for what you do, not how others respond.

    Question #4: What if they don’t want my forgiveness?

    Some people will not see their need to be forgiven. They may be blinded by their sin and calloused against God’s conviction. We cannot make someone see their need to be forgiven; only God can do that. In these instances, we are still responsible for forgiving them from the heart
    (cf. attitudinal/internal forgiveness). Jesus gave us an example to follow when he prayed from the cross, “Forgive them for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34) — a profound prayer for forgiveness offered in the face of rejection.

    He prayed for their forgiveness despite them despising their need for it. Jesus gave similar instructions to us when he said, “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you” (Luke 6:27–28). Our enemies do not think they need our forgiveness. We cannot control that, but we are to show them the supernatural love of Christ by blessing them, even if they curse us — an expression of forgiveness in the Bible lived out in real time.

    Question #5: What if they hurt me again?

    Moriah had worked hard to forgive Jeff. He had been caught looking at pornography, and it rocked their young marriage. Jeff owned his sin and had made tremendous strides in honoring the Lord and his wife. That is until he compromised again while she was out of town. In an instant, the year of hard work felt like it had been thrown away. Jeff confessed his sin to his pastor, to her, and then asked her to forgive him once again. Moriah felt an overwhelming mix of righteous and sinful anger, along with lingering resentment. She had not expected to be here again, and her heart was walled off to her husband.

    Does Moriah have to forgive Jeff again? Yes. Though Jeff’s sin was serious, so were Jesus’ words, “Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him” (Luke 17:3–4). This teaching aligns with Jesus’ command in Matthew 18 to forgive seventy seven times. Forgiveness must be offered without limit. Jeff will need to make serious strides to live out full repentance, and the reconciliation process with Moriah will take increased efforts. But God’s grace is sufficient for both of their needs. A time may come when patterns of sin, whether pornography or otherwise, become so damaging to the trust of the relationship that the validity of one’s profession of faith is called into question. These case-by-case situations will require wise leadership by Godly pastors and possibly outside counselors.5

    Question #6: Can I forgive if they are dead?

    Sarah stood next to her sister’s grave. The silence of Ashley’s tombstone reminded her of the coldness
    of their relationship. Her sister had been cruel and exacting. Her words had scarred Sarah’s soul, and the untreated wound had become infected by sin. Sarah’s destructive course wasn’t Ashley’s fault, but it was undoubtedly connected. Ashley’s untimely death left Sarah wanting one more chance to express her hurts with the hope of hearing Ashley say, “Please forgive me.” But now it was too late. Or was it?

    Death robs us of much, but it does not rob us of the responsibility and opportunity to extend forgiveness. Forgiveness is a decision we make to cancel another person’s relational debt. Ultimately, forgiveness is a decision that God empowers us to make and that we do to obey him. Death does not hinder Sarah from choosing to forgive her late sister. Sarah can entrust her sister’s soul to the one who judges justly (1 Pet. 2:23–24).

    If you have been hurt by someone who has died or whom you will never be able to locate, you can still forgive them. Attitudinal forgiveness is possible because you are forgiving from the heart, consistent with forgiveness in the Bible. Pray to the Lord — a sincere prayer for forgiveness — and reflect on all you wish you could say to that person. Consider writing it down. You would likely be helped to process your feelings with a trusted Gospel-minded friend or counselor. If you would benefit by going to the person’s graveside and saying words out loud, it is perfectly fine. But ultimately, bring your pain to the Lord.
    As you consider their destiny, rest in the words of Abraham, “Shall not the Judge of all the earth do
    what is just” (Gen. 18:25)? God will do what is right. Trust him.

    —

    Discussion & Reflection:

    1. Are there any situations in your life that these questions address? How did this section help you as you consider how to forgive someone?
    2. How would you summarize the difference between forgiveness vs reconciliation and restoration?
    3. Of the questions above, which challenges your understanding of forgiveness the most?

    —

    Conclusion

    Someday soon, existence as we have experienced it will cease. The Lord Jesus will return and bring to conclusion what we have known as human history. On that day, he will triumphantly raise all people from the grave and assemble them before his great white throne for judgment (Matt. 12:36–37; 2 Cor. 5:10; Rev. 20:11–15).

    On that day, nothing will be more treasured than forgiveness. To stand, not in our own righteousness, like the myriads who will be condemned in their sin, but to stand forgiven, clothed in robes of righteousness purchased by Christ’s blood and given by God’s grace. To be numbered among the forgiven, whose names are written in the Lamb’s book of life. To be welcomed with the words, “Well done, good and faithful servant…enter into the joy of your master” (Matt. 25:23). To be joyfully sung over by God himself (Zeph. 3:17) and respond to him with songs of eternal thanksgiving (Ps. 79:13). Our songs will be inspired by God’s many acts of mercy. Central to them all will be his unmerited, immeasurable, benevolent forgiveness in the Bible, granted to us in Christ Jesus.

    We began this study at the table of former enemies who had become forgiven friends through the Gospel of Jesus Christ. We conclude with a picture of glory to come in which another table will be central. This meal will be hosted atop the mountain called Zion. The table in that place will host the marriage supper of the Lamb where the forgiven will eat rich food and drink well-aged wine (Rev. 19:9; Isa. 25:6). There, reconciled enemies and forgiven foes will sit side-by-side. Together we will lift a toast of thanks crying out, “Behold, this is our God; we have waited for him, that he might save us. This is the Lord; we have waited for him; let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation” (Isa. 25:9). Lord, hasten that day.

    As you read this field guide, consider that day. Allow the hope of glory and certainty of seeing Christ move you to extend forgiveness. Forgive today in light of that day. Forgiving those who have hurt you can be terribly difficult. Forgiving requires humility. It requires God’s help and continual prayer for forgiveness. But I assure you of this: if you honor Jesus by forgiving, you will not regret it on that last day. Make decisions today that you will be thankful for ten thousand years from now when you stand before God. When you behold God face-to-face, you will not regret forgiving those who hurt you in this life.
    In some way, your enjoyment of eternal life will spring from obedience in this life (Rev. 19:8).
    Forgive. Pursue peace. Labor to reconcile. Extend mercy.

    Do not lose heart, dear saint — we’re almost home.

    For Further Study

    Tim Keller, Forgive: Why Should I and How Can I?

    David Powlison, Good and Angry

    Brad Hambrick, Making Sense of Forgiveness: Moving from Hurt Toward Hope

    Hayley Satrom, Forgiveness: Reflecting God’s Mercy (31-Day Devotionals for Life)

    Chris Brauns, Unpacking Forgiveness: Biblical Answers for Complex Questions and Deep Wounds

    Steve Cornell, “How to Move from Forgiveness to Reconciliation,” TGC article, March 2012

    Ken Sande, The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict

    Endnotes

    1. Andrea Thom, “What is Biblical Forgiveness?,” TGC Canada, September 23, 2020.
    2. Matthew Martens, Reforming Criminal Justice: A Christian Proposal
    3. (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2023), 158.
    4. He Will Hold Me Fast, these lines written by Matt Merker, 2013.
    5. These concepts come from D. A. Carson, Love in Hard Places, quoted in Tim Keller, Forgive: Why Should I and How Can I?, 82, and David Powlison, Good & Angry: Redeeming Anger, Irritation, Complaining, and Bitterness, 84–87.
    6. Consider “Pornography and Church Discipline,” Desiring God, April 30, 2022.

    About the Author

    GARRETT KELL has imperfectly followed Jesus since a friend shared the gospel with him in college.
    Shortly after his conversion, he began serving in pastoral ministry in Texas, Washington D.C., and at Del Ray Baptist Church in Alexandria, Virginia, since 2012. He is married to Carrie, and they have six children together.


    #3 Relationships: How to Have a Relationship With God and Others

    Part 1: Three Categories of Relationships

    When you think of relationships, my guess is that you immediately think of horizontal relationships with other people. That is where so much of our blessings and brokenness get played out. But horizontal relationships are actually a third category of relationships shaped by two preceding categories. We can call these vertical and internal. Our relationship with others is influenced by, first, our relationship with God (vertical), and second, our relationship to ourselves (internal). These two relationships are the real beginning. Oftentimes the woes we contribute to our horizontal relationships stem from distortions in how we relate to God and ourselves. So before we get into the details of our horizontal relationships, we need to start there.

    Vertical — Our Relationship to God

    The fundamental fact in our relationship to God is that we are made by him and for him. In truth, this is also the case for everything in existence. Everything exists because of God and, ultimately, for his purposes. In this light, all of creation may be considered relational, connected to God the creator, who is himself relational in his existence as Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. And if all creation is relational, that is certainly true for every human, which means that every human has a relationship with God. It’s what it means to be human. We are God’s creatures. This is foundational to who we are, and it’s our most important relationship — the basis of how to have a relationship with God in the first place.

    But immediately we are confronted with the inescapable reality that every human’s relationship with God has been broken because of our sin. Plagued by the fall of our original parents, and following in their rebellion with our own particular sins, we have despised our creatureliness and wanted to be our own deity. The real question now about our relationship to God is whether it remains broken or has been restored. Does our sin against God still separate us from him, or have we been reconciled to him?

    The brokenness continues, of course, if we ignore it. This is certainly the standard operating procedure for many. It seems that the easiest way to manage our broken relationship with God is by pretending God doesn’t exist. The Bible tells us that atheism is foolishness (see Ps. 14:1), but we might also add that atheism is a coping mechanism. “Exclusive humanism,” as it’s been called, is humanity’s move to make transcendence something we create, refusing to acknowledge any reality outside ourselves. This refusal to acknowledge God requires even scrubbing away every idea of God, or at least the ideas that might infringe upon our autonomous sovereignty. This is atheism at the functional level. It’s an attempt to put the pain of our vertical relational brokenness out of sight and thus out of mind, hidden beneath the floor of our everyday lives. But like with the beating heart of Edgar Allen Poe’s dark story, the sound of our crime gets louder and louder, as our attempts to drown it out become more intense and normalized. This kind of willed ignorance is one way the brokenness remains.

    Another way the brokenness in our relationship with God remains is when we take it upon ourselves to be the solution. This is when we recognize the brokenness but think it’s up to us to solve the problem. We assume that the only way the chasm between God and us will be bridged is if we, the sinful offenders, move toward him, hoping to impress him by our religiosity and good works. We figure that maybe that will earn his favor and put things right.

    John Bunyan, the seventeenth-century writer and pastor, learned how futile this is. When he first came under the conviction of his sin, biographer Faith Cook recounts that he fell under “the spell of high church ritual.”1 In his autobiography, he says he was overcome with a spirit of superstition, busied by all the things he must do to improve himself. And he had a decent run for a while, he admits, even scrupulously keeping the Ten Commandments and winning the respect of his neighbors, until he realized it didn’t stick — kind of like the duct tape I keep reapplying on one part of my dishwasher. Bunyan, for all his efforts and pride in his “godliness,” could not appease his own conscience. He felt there was never enough he could do for God, and within a matter of time Bunyan found himself in more despair than ever. There is a kind of despair that every sinner feels because of their broken relationship with God, but there is another kind of despair for sinners on the other side of recognizing that brokenness and trying to fix it themselves. The original brokenness is exacerbated by our failure to solve it, and so the brokenness remains, even deepens, for the poor legalist as much as for the poor atheist. That was Bunyan’s story. Mine too.

    So how is our relationship to God restored?

    God takes it upon himself to close the chasm between us — and this divine initiative ultimately overflows horizontally in loving your neighbor and pursuing godly relationships formed by grace rather than self-effort.

    Imagine God as being way up high, above the heavens, and we’re way down here, on the earth. There’s a distance between us, a physical and moral chasm that represents everything that is wrong with us and the world. That distance is not only the consequence of our own mess, but it’s the standing reminder that such a gap is necessary. We don’t deserve him. Humans can try their hardest to bridge that gap, to become worthy, but it never works. We call this attempt “religiosity.” We work ourselves to death trying to climb a metaphorical ladder back to God, but we cannot get there. So God himself came here. We can’t better ourselves enough to get to God, so God humbled himself enough to come to us. This is what makes the good news of Jesus Christ so good.

    God the Father sent his Son into this world to become human like us, to be truly human for us, and to die in our place, the righteous for the unrighteous. He did it to bring us back to God (see 1 Pet. 3:18). Jesus came to save us from our sins, embodying the grace of God to us, taking upon himself the very cause of the chasm. He went straight for the root of our broken relationship with God, meeting our greatest need, at great personal cost, due only to his great love. Through the gospel of Jesus Christ, our relationship with God is restored. God becomes our Father, we his sons and daughters, living in his fellowship now and forever.

    The Bible is clear that the death of Jesus for sinners is how God demonstrates his love for sinners (see Rom. 5:8). Jesus didn’t die in our place so that God would love us; he died in our place because God loves us. And God has loved us ever since he chose to set his love on us before the foundation of the world (see Eph. 1:4). This is the most important truth to remember in our relationship with God. He loves us relentlessly, and of course we don’t deserve it. We never can, so we must not try. And I mean we must not.

    Just recently I was meeting with a fellow pilgrim who talked with me in the way that pilgrims talk with pastors. He told me of his struggles and correlating doubts in the love of God, and he casually commented that he doesn’t want to try to earn God’s love. I interrupted him, not because I meant to be rude (though good news is worth a little perceived rudeness from time to time), but because he needed to know this wasn’t an option. I told him he must not try to earn God’s love, which is exactly what I wish someone had told me years ago. The love of God is simply a wonder we receive, humbly and gladly. That is what made the difference for Bunyan.

    Sitting under the regular preaching of God’s Word one day, hearing an average message delivered by an average pastor, Bunyan’s heart was flooded with the reality of God’s love. He came to know that God loved him despite his sin, and that nothing could separate him from this love (see Rom. 8:35–39). In Bunyan’s own recounting, he says that he was so overcome with joy that he wanted to tell of God’s love even to a flock of crows gathered in a field. Bunyan had found treasure, and that same treasure is there for us, barely hidden at all if we’d only open our eyes.

    Because of God’s love for us, Jesus died and rose to restore our relationship with God. Knowing God’s love for us definitively, displayed in the gospel, is the key to the importance of relationships. We start here, with this vertical relationship, and we never get beyond its transformative importance.

    Internal — Our Relationship to Ourselves

    It’s not hard to see how our relationship with God (vertical) might impact how we relate to others (horizontal). When he was questioned about the greatest commandment, Jesus answered,

    “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets” (Matt. 22:37–40).

    The vertical and horizontal must be held together, as Jesus makes clear, but there’s another category that we need to acknowledge: our relationship to ourselves.

    Another way to refer to this “relationship” is to call it our self-understanding. It is how we interpret our stories and come to terms with who we are. This is so natural to discipleship that I think the New Testament simply assumes it. Consider some of the autobiography in Paul’s letters:

    – “I persecuted the church of God violently and tried to destroy it” (Gal. 1:13).
    – “I [was] a Hebrew of Hebrews; as to the law, a Pharisee” (Phil. 3:5).
    – “I worked harder than any of them …” (1 Cor. 15:10).
    – “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am foremost” (1 Tim. 1:15).
    – “God has mercy on [Epaphroditus], and not only on him but on me also, lest I should have sorrow upon sorrow” (Phil. 2:27).
    – “Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me” (2 Cor. 12:8).
    – “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live …” (Gal. 2:20).

    As we grow in this self-understanding, we also grow in relationship maturity, which shapes how we relate both to God and to others.

    Paul was a man who possessed self-clarity, which is the phrase used by Richard Plass and James Cofield in their book, The Relational Soul.2 We are all wired in certain ways, shaped by countless factors that have been part of our lives (past events, emotions, and interpretations). Plass and Cofield say that our synthesis of these factors is what forms our self-understanding, or “self-clarity,” and that is the deepest influence in how we relate in general, whether to God or others.

    Ten people might each react differently to the same incident, and it helps us to know why we react the way we do. In fact, Plass and Cofield, with their combined experience in helping Christians rebuild the wreckage of their ruinous choices, make the stunning observation that, “in all our years of ministry we have never known a single person whose relationships suffered because of lack of doctrinal facts.”3 In other words, one’s vertical relationship, by all appearances, might check out. “Professed theology” looks good on paper.4 “But,” Plass and Cofield continue, there are many stories of collapsed ministries, estranged marriages, distant children, failed friendships and coworker conflict because people had little self-understanding. The blindness that emerges from a lack of knowing what is going on in our souls is truly devastating. Self-clarity is not a parlor game. It is not a self-help gig. Instead it is a journey into our hearts to see what motives are at work in our relationships.5

    Meaningful relationships with others, and even with God, require that we take ownership of our stories. It was the Puritan John Owen who said “Be killing sin or sin will be killing you.” Plass and Cofield might add, “Be owning your story or your story, full of implicit interpretations and unconscious memories, will be owning you.”6

    And without doubt, we all have degrees of pain in our stories. Suffering is a sad and infuriating reality of our broken world. But no matter the suffering, no matter how intense, it will not have the final say.

    The resurrection of Jesus makes this clear.

    As writer Fred Buechner has said, the resurrection of Jesus means the worst thing is never the last thing, and that’s also true for who we are. God’s good purposes will endure, and they’re always bigger than any moment in which we find ourselves or conjure up by memory. I kick myself for not knowing a way to say this more deeply, but this next sentence is the best I can do, and I mean it as much as is humanly possible. While your suffering is real and has impacted you, it does not have to define you, because you have new life in Jesus’ life.

    That is what Paul is getting at when he says that “neither circumcision counts for anything, nor uncircumcision, but a new creation” (Gal. 6:15), and “if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold the new has come” (2 Cor. 5:17). In Christ you are new, and that is what matters in the end — and today too — even if scars remain. All of us in Christ are new, and we each have proclivities of countless kinds. Whoever we are, a mixture of personality and environmental conditioning, shaped by the ways we’ve sinned in the past or been sinned against, we are each individual persons and God loves us. Each of us.

    I’ve told my church that when God saves us, he doesn’t stamp us “SAVED” and throw us into a faceless herd, but he saves us, his particular grace overcoming our particular brokenness. We become part of God’s people — we enter his family — but he still knows our names and our hearts, and of course he does, because if it were not so Jesus would not have told us that God knows how many hairs are on our heads (see Luke 12:7). In fact, as Pastor Dane Ortlund explains, the things we most dislike about ourselves are the very places where God’s grace abounds even more.7 The parts of our self-clarity that we’re most likely to resent are the things that most attract Jesus.

    I’ve heard it said that we can only surrender all that we know of ourselves to all that we know of God. Deepened knowledge of ourselves, then, together with deepened knowledge of God, leads to deepened surrender. We learn more about who we are so that we can keep turning it over to the reality of God’s love. We are loved by God. That’s who we are in the ultimate assessment. Over all other things that make us ourselves, we should hear the words of God spoken to Jesus as his baptism, now applied to us by our union with him, “This is my beloved child, with whom I am well-pleased” (Matt. 3:17).

    Even me?, you might think. Yes, even you. You and me, I must say. This is where self-clarity takes us, though each through individual paths. This work is vital to having meaningful relationships with others.

    Horizontal — Our Relationship to Others

    When our hearts are flooded with the reality of God’s love, enough to make us want to preach to crows like it did for Bunyan, it can make everything else grow dim, in the most righteous of ways. It was the psalmist who said to God, “Whom have I in heaven but you? There is nothing on earth I desire besides you” (Ps. 73:25).

    Nothing.

    That kind of talk is a taste of heaven on earth, and I want some of that — don’t you? But to the level that we have it, would that mean we don’t need relationships with others? Can we be so consumed with God’s love that we’d prefer a life of solitude, hidden away from all the distractions of this stupid world with its stupid people, just bunkered down in a hut somewhere by a pond until we depart to that which is “far better”? Is this “me-and-God” way of living the good life?

    Of course not. But, if I’m honest, in my moments of acute relational need — when I would truly be helped by a horizontal relationship, such as my wife’s affirmation or a friend’s expressed care — I often chastise myself for not believing more in God’s love for me. If I really knew God loved me, I wouldn’t need anything else, I can tell myself.

    That seems right, but it’s not reality — at least not here, not yet.

    Countless people have embraced the “Serenity Prayer” by Reinhold Niebuhr, but few remember that line when he asks God to help him take, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.

    This world as it is, or humans as we are, being blatantly sinful or just painfully plain, we need others. People need people.

    In his book Side by Side, counselor Ed Welch says that everyone needs help and everyone is a helper.8 We’re all both help-needers and help-givers. The Apostle Paul implies the same when he commands the whole church, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal. 6:2). The burden-bearers and the one-anothers are the same. They’re us. We’re receivers and givers, and it’s just part of being human. It’s why life is relationships — and why loving your neighbor is inseparable from loving God.

    But our horizontal relationships comprise a vast world that’s hard to wrap our heads around. If horizontal relationships is a category, there are sub-categories beneath it that have their own sections in bookstores. Imagine how much ink has been spilled on books about marriage? The subject of parenting alone is vast enough to have its own sub-categories and niches, such as how to raise teen girl sisters in the age of smartphones when one is an over-achiever and the other over-clutters her locker. There’s a book for that, somewhere.

    So what might we understand about horizontal relationships in general that applies to horizontal relationships in particular?

    Meanwhile, above and beneath all of it, the entire Christian life rests on the miracle of reconciliation with God, the restored peace that then shapes all relationships.

    That’s the goal going forward. I want to offer a way to think broadly about horizontal relationships grounded in biblical relationships that shape how we relate to one another.

    —

    Discussion & Reflection:

    1. Why does our vertical relationship with God affect all other relationships in our lives?
    2. Why is self-clarity important in your growth as a Christian?
    3. Are there any aspects of your internal relationship that need to be rediscovered or reinterpreted in light of God’s love for you in Christ?

    —

    Part 2: Relational Callings and Kinds

    Let’s zoom out for a minute and think in terms of calling and kind. There is our calling in relationships, referring to what God expects of us, and then there is the kind of relationship in which our calling plays out.

    When it comes to calling, this is the interplay and overlap of authority and responsibility. Authority refers to what we have the right to do, what we’re authorized to do; responsibility is what we are obliged to do, what we must do. Sometimes in relationships it’s one or the other, sometimes both, sometimes neither — and it comes from God. Our relational calling is ultimately what he expects of us.

    And these two callings — authority and responsibility — are central to how we engage relationships with others within a three-fold paradigm borrowed from the home. As it turns out, God made the home to be the foundational building block for human society, with its fathers (and mothers), brothers (and sisters), and sons (and daughters). Right away it’s worth noting that these distinctions require a basic understanding of hierarchy. I realize that word makes people sweat and so much of our modern world has burned itself out trying to topple the very notion, but to fight against hierarchy is to fight against the universe. You cannot win, because God is God and he made the world this way. There are different kinds of relationships, on purpose, and they’re expressed in God’s design for the home. All other forms of how we relate to others are derived from this. The Westminster Larger Catechism makes this point in its exposition of the fifth commandment.

    The fifth commandment in Exodus 20:12 states: “Honor your father and mother that your days may be long in the land that Yahweh your God is giving you.”

    Question 126 of the catechism asks, “What is the general scope of the fifth commandment?”

    The answer:

    The general scope of the fifth commandment is, the performance of those duties which we mutually owe in our several relations, as inferiors, superiors, or equals.9 (emphasis added)

    Another way to state these “several relations” — what we’re calling kinds — is as parents, siblings, and children. We relate to others as In-Relation-Over, In-Relation-Beside, or In-Relation-Under.

    In summary, our relational callings include authority or responsibility; our relationship kind is either over, beside, or under. In every relationship, we engage a certain kind of relationship from the God-ordained calling of authority and/or responsibility. Here’s an example:

    Applying Calling and Kind

    I’m the father of eight children, and in relation to my children, I am over them. I engage that relationship with God-given authority. The relational calling is authority; the relational kind is in-relation-over. Practically, it means I can tell my sons to clean their room.

    As my sons, they are called to the responsibility of obedience (see Eph. 6:1). They are to obey what I’m authorized to tell them, and they practice that responsibility in relation under me.

    This is an easy example so far, but it becomes more complex. I have the authority as a father to give my sons directives about cleanliness — I engage the kind, In-Relation-Over, with the calling of authority — but do I also have a responsibility in those directives?

    Yes, I do, insofar as room cleanliness is an aspect of raising my sons in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, which is what God tells me, as a Christian father, to do (see Eph. 6:4). Christian fathers always exercise their authority under God’s authority, mediated through the local church. We are simultaneously In-Relation-Over (father-son) and In-Relation-Under (God-man). Fatherhood, in its calling, is an overlap of authority and responsibility. A father’s authority, In-Relation-Over to his children, is an aspect of the father’s responsibility to God, to whom he is In-Relation-Under.

    So far, so good. Individuals with authority can also be under another authority. This is everywhere. It’s true of every authority outside of God. But consider this:

    What if one of my four sons decides to be a boss and order around his brothers? Is that okay, since the brothers are In-Relation-Beside and lack authority over one another?

    In general, no, it’s not okay, because brothers do not have authority over one another unless granted to them by their authority, the parents. Authority between those who are In-Relation-Beside has to be deputized by the authority over them. One brother can’t command the others to fetch the foul balls, for instance, but he may reference dad and say to the others, appropriately, “Do not hide those socks under the bed.” And he may appeal to the father when his brothers hide the socks anyway (the sock-hiders might call this “tattling,” but it’s basically a recognition of authority).

    In all of this, we’re learning what Christian relationships look like: how we relate under God, beside others, and in ways that reflect the call to loving your neighbor in both simple and complex situations. This framework helps us understand how biblical relationships function in everyday life and how every horizontal interaction flows from our relationship with God.

    This happens so often in our everyday lives that we rarely recognize the relational dynamics in play. When I leave my boys to themselves in a room they’ve trashed, in what could become a scene from The Lord of the Flies, it’s fascinating how often I’ve overheard one or two of them say, “Dad said …” Dad said to put the laundry in the basket, therefore, “Do not hide those socks under the bed.” They are In-Relation-Beside, but they evoke the fact that they share brotherhood as In-Relation-Under. They hold each other accountable to their authority, who has told them something about the room.

    Can we apply calling and kind to other relationships?

    As a father, I command my sons to clean their rooms, but I don’t command Steve, my next-door neighbor, to clean his. Steve and I are In-Relation-Beside, like brothers. I have no authority over him, and no responsibility to him apart from the biblical commands of Christian witness and decency. I can’t tell him to do anything unless it pertains to something we have a mutual agreement about, what we call contracts.

    Contracts are the means by which people In-Relation-Beside, like siblings, attempt to live reliably and peaceably. Because they lack authority over one another, they mutually agree to submit themselves to a document they authorize to protect their interests. A signed document is what makes these contracts official, but our horizontal relational existence is often full of unwritten, amorphous contracts, mutually unspoken expectations. Or sometimes there are spoken promises, what we call giving our word. At this point, we’re a step away from talking about the history of democracy and the idea of the “social contract theory.” It’s not a stretch to say that the United States finds its roots in a philosophy of human relationships — how a nation imagines relationship with others at a societal level.

    The task before America’s Founding Fathers, following their intellectual contemporaries in the eighteenth century, was how to set up a government of humans who are In-Relation-Beside, not merely subjects of a king. My favorite snapshot of this “contract” is a cartoon rendering of two guys in Yankee-doodle hats shaking hands, with one saying, “You don’t kill me, I won’t kill you.” The other nods, “Sounds good.” Life is relationships, and come to find out, nations are too.

    So Steve and I, In-Relation-Beside, have an agreement about a lawn mower we share, but one that’s simple enough to be unwritten. We’ve given our word to another. But beyond him gassing up the mower and storing it in his shed, I can’t tell him anything about cleaning his room or over-seeding his lawn in the fall. I can’t tell the new neighbor across the street either, even if his lawn needs it worse. Do you know what it’s called when we disapprove of certain things about other people we’re not authorized to correct? It’s called judging. This is also why being judgmental becomes exhausting. Too many lanes, man. When Paul instructs us to pray for the purpose that we may lead peaceful and quiet lives (see 1 Tim. 2:2), he’s not envisioning an agrarian utopia, but he likely does consider it a positive thing to mind our own lawns.

    But now what if the new neighbor across the street builds a meth lab in his basement or starts trafficking Komodo dragons to sell on the black market? Do I command him to stop then? No, actually, I don’t. I call the police. And the police will take it from there and enforce the law. The law, to which we are In-Relation-Under, is something my neighbor willingly subjected himself to when he bought a home within a municipality that forbids illegal drugs and exotic pets. All my neighbors really are nice folks, but you get my point. Neighbors are In-Relation-Beside, like siblings, but we are In-Relation-Under when it comes to the law, mediated through what we rightly call “the authorities” or “law-enforcement.”

    Ultimately, learning to navigate these dynamics is part of learning how to love God love others in real-life, everyday situations.

    The Role of Decency

    Relational callings and kinds might help us get a handle on how to engage relationships, but there’s more. It’s one thing to consider neighbors to be In-Relation-Beside if they’re around your same age, but what if they’re old enough to be your grandparents? What if you’re a man and your neighbor’s a woman? What if you encounter them laying half dead alongside the Jericho Road? Even here, our relationship with yourself and the maturity that flows from it will influence how you discern what decency looks like.

    Age, gender, and proximate manifest need does not determine the relational kind. Another neighbor a few doors down is old enough to be my grandfather, but his age doesn’t make him an authority over me. It does, however, influence the relational demeanor, what we might also call decency — a major ingredient in healthy biblical relationships.

    Paul tells Timothy,

    Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity. (1 Tim. 5:1–2 NIV)

    Even if the relational kind is the same, we have a responsibility for how we treat one another. The verb “treat” is added in our English translations, but the idea is decency toward one another: behave in a way that is fitting to the social realities.10 So boy wrestlers should refuse to wrestle girls, even if the organizers of high school athletics are foolish enough to make wrestling a mixed sport. Our relational calling is the responsibility to show decency. This is also why it’s customary in some parts of our country for relatively younger men to refer to relatively older women with titles like “Miss.” To this day, even though I’ve spent nearly two decades outside the American South, it’s difficult for me to refer to a woman only by her first name if she’s old enough to be my mother. In fact, I call my own mother-in-law, who lives with my family, “Miss Pam.” Because I’m not a sociopath.

    The Bible speaks directly to our relational decency in the relational kinds of over and under, as seen in the household codes of Paul’s letters (e.g., Eph. 5:22–6:9). Marriage, parenting, work-relations — God’s Word addresses them all. But the Bible also has much to say about how we behave among those to whom we are In-Relation-Beside. These principles help us live out our relationship with God in a way that actually transforms our conduct toward others.

    The New Testament includes at least 59 commands directed at how we treat one another — often called “one another” passages — and they serve as the blueprint for relational decency. These commands find their roots in the second table of the Ten Commandments, summarized in the command to love your neighbor as yourself (see Matt. 22:36–40; Gal. 5:14; Rom. 13:8–10). I’m thinking of “one another” commands like “Be kind to one another” (Eph. 4:32); “Do not lie to one another” (Col. 3:9); “Show hospitality to one another without grumbling” (1 Pet. 4:9). This is relational decency.

    And while these commands helpfully spell out how decency should look, most of our relational decency is unwritten, woven into the fabric of our social expectations. This is part of culture, and these expectations are easiest to recognize when they’re defied. Even in America today, with all of its cultural rot, most people still consider it shameful if a younger neighbor mistreats the elderly, or if a neighbor ignores someone in proximate manifest need. Some states even have laws in this regard, known as “Good Samaritan” laws. Put simply, these laws make it a misdemeanor offense if a person knows someone is in serious danger and yet refuses to intervene or contact emergency services.

    I once encountered the exact scenario for which such a law was created.

    I was driving through my Minneapolis neighborhood on an early morning, when it was still quiet but bright enough to see. At a stop sign, I suddenly heard a woman screaming, “Help! Help!” I looked to the left and saw a woman running toward me, a man aggressively chasing behind her. “Call 911!,” she said frantically, as she rushed to my driver’s side window (the need was proximate and manifest). The man backed off but was still within view, and I made my weirdest phone call ever, partly because I told the dispatcher that the man was wearing a toboggan on his head, by which I meant hat, as in beanie. Where I grew up we called those toboggans. Confused, the dispatcher reported that the man chasing the woman was carrying a sled on his head as he ran. I sure hoped the police could spot that guy. Once I straightened out that detail, I relayed to the dispatcher that the woman did not appear injured and I stuck around at the stop sign until the police arrived, because that was the decent thing to do. But it’s also the law around here, and a good one.

    As neighbors, we are In-Relation-Beside, with no authority over one another, but decency is our responsibility. And that responsibility takes different forms due to age, gender, and proximate manifest need. When decency is practiced, it reflects not only good citizenship but traces of a restored relationship with God, which enables us to treat others according to his pattern for human community.

    Decency Near and Far?

    The adjective “proximate” is especially important in the twenty-first century. For most of history, manifest needs were always geographically proximate. The awareness of need was confined to what people personally encountered. It’s different today, though, because of technology and media. At any given moment we can be aware of countless needs across the entire world. People have never known about more terrible things they can do nothing about. This tension alone often shapes how we think about our relationship with God, especially when we feel overwhelmed by suffering we cannot personally reach.

    I was called to responsibility toward my neighbor that I heard and saw screaming for help, but I’ve also read about similar needs that I don’t hear or see myself. What is my responsibility toward those people? Is it my responsibility to rescue the hurting and feed the hungry in different timezones? Does that include all 828 million people who hunger? Are there any limits to my responsibility to show decency toward those in need?

    First, to be clear, it is good anytime someone shows decency to those in need, regardless of how proximate the needs may be. That kind of engagement, though, is a unique calling and it is not everyone’s responsibility. When someone is involved in that kind of ministry we might say that the person has a burden for that particular need. For example, you would need a burden to invest in clean water solutions for children in the Congo, but you don’t need a burden to call the police when a neighbor is in imminent danger, running toward your car. That would be your responsibility, your duty, your calling. It’s not something to pray about. You don’t need to “Watch This Video” to conjure up compassion. This responsibility to show decency is determined by the need being proximate and manifest.

    This is what Jesus teaches us in Luke 10, the famous parable of the Good Samaritan (see Luke 10:29–37). The man left for dead was clearly in need, desperate for low-risk intervention, yet the priest and Levite both ignored him. They didn’t ignore him by deleting the newsletter or turning off the video, but they walked to the other side of the road to get away from him. They physically turned their heads and moved in a different direction from a dying man.

    The Samaritan, though irreligious when compared to the previous passersby, had compassion on the injured man. Jesus said the Samaritan, the compassionate man, proved to be a neighbor. The Samaritan didn’t go searching for every robbery victim in Palestine, but he helped the man in front of him, and so we call him “Good.” It was relational decency, pure and simple, and such decency is our responsibility to every person we’re In-Relation-Beside. It’s what God expects of us, which we prudentially apply to others based on age, gender, and proximate, manifest need.

    This responsibility is also what sets the bar for our mutual expectations within relationships. If we’re all givers and receivers, as those In-Relation-Beside, how exactly should that look in particular relationships in normal circumstances? What is expected of us in our relationships when there’s not a desperate need right in front of you? These are the kinds of principles behind relationship advice from the Bible, which grounds our everyday conduct in God’s wisdom.

    Now that we’ve set a context for how to think about relationships broadly, it would help to drill down for more detailed application, especially when it comes to relational complexities.

    —

    Discussion & Reflection:

    1. How does the category of “decency” inform some of your relationships?
    2. What some examples of ways that unwritten relational decency might be defied?
    3. What are some examples of over/beside/under relationships in your life?

    —

    Part 3: Navigating Relational Complexity

    Life is relationships, and relationships are hard, and if we had to target one thing that makes them hard it would be ours and others’ failure to meet expectations. Those expectations most likely have to do with needs. We’re all help-givers, and sometimes we aren’t great with that. And as help-needers, our expectations can be unrealistic. Understanding this tension is part of our relationship with God, because how we relate to him inevitably shapes how we relate to others.

    Over time, if a person expresses needs that go unmet, that person develops relational mistrust, which leads to relational distress, which leads to that person no longer expressing their needs, or at least regressing in how they express them. You can imagine how this kind of relational mistrust and need-expression illiteracy plays out in relationships.

    Worst of all, the reality of consistently unmet needs is one of despair, which is behind so much of addiction. Put simply, addiction is an attempt to escape despair. It’s “our earnest bid to make our emotional worlds comfortable and untroubled.”11 And so much of that despair, of human discomfort and trouble, can be traced back to consistently unmet needs. People become desperate to get away from pain — and can we even begin to quantify how much pain in our world comes from relational brokenness? Even in this, we see how Jesus and relationships are connected, since Jesus repeatedly stepped into the lives of hurting people whose needs had gone unmet.

    Without doubt, this sobering fact raises the stakes of our foundational relationships in the home, but it also points to the power of relationships anywhere. It’s hard to imagine a higher priority than to develop what’s been called “relational intelligence.” In short, we want to understand our relational expectations to understand our role as help-needers and help-givers.

    Whenever you’re faced with a difficult relational situation where this seems unclear, your first step, before and unto God, should be getting clarity on the three parts: calling, kind, and decency.

    – First, consider whether your calling is one of authority or responsibility, or both or neither.
    – Second, identify the kind of relationship, whether you’re acting as over, beside, or under, and what “contracts” might be in play.
    – Third, apply decency to the relationship, which, to those whom we are In-Relation-Beside, is determined by the others’ age, gender, or proximate, manifest need.

    Once we’ve clarified these parts, one tool that might help us navigate the giving and receiving expectations is a relationship circle. There are numerous examples of these circles called by different names, but the basic idea is that every person (as a person-in-relation) has concentric circles that identify varying levels of relationships. These different rings, or levels, are distinguished by higher to lower levels of trust.

    The inner circle is just what you’d expect. It’s Level 1. These are the relationships where you have the highest level of trust, mutual love, and the clearest expectations of giving and receiving. You might call these people “Close Friends,” which should include your immediate family but isn’t limited to them. These people are your confidants and first calls in crisis, and therefore geographical proximity is necessary.12 Even here, how you relate is often shaped by your relationship with God, since that vertical foundation influences how deeply you trust and love others.

    The second ring, Level 2, is what you might call “Good Friends.” These are people you enjoy and trust, but they are outside your inner circle for various reasons, often more practical than moral. This level still includes a high level of trust.

    The third ring, Level 3, is a wider circle of people you know, often through a shared interest, and you could rightly call them “Friends.” You love and trust these people, but there isn’t the same amount of earned trust among these relationships as those closer to the center. When you refer to these people you might call them “friends” or “we go to the same church” or “we coached rec baseball together.”

    The next ring, Level 4, is those you might consider “Acquaintances.” These are people you know, but you’ve not had much contact with them, even though it’s likely you both have mutual friends. These are not people you necessarily mistrust, but you also wouldn’t say you trust them. It’d be weird if you told these people that you love them.

    Those outside these four rings are who you’d consider “Strangers.” These are people you do not know and should not trust, and it’d be weird if you did.13

    Recently, my wife and I were on a flight, seated in front of a passenger who talked loudly to the person beside her, divulging sensational details about her ex-husband, the custody battle for her younger half-sister, some bodily injuries, and her musings about the divine, etc. Several passengers could hear her and eventually I had to put on my headphones. A few hours later, as we waited to deplane and this passenger continued talking, another passenger, older and wiser, interrupted her and said, “Dear, you shouldn’t share so much with strangers!” This really happened. It was an incident that ten out of ten people would consider socially “off” — outside the norm of expectations.

    And while we don’t want to overshare with strangers, we also should be careful not to orient toward strangers in fear. “Stranger-danger” is good advice for young children, but adults should know better. One thing that baffles me is to see fellow humans walk past one another, nearly touching shoulders, and neither acknowledge the existence of the other. That should be as weird to us as the woman on the plane going on about her ingrown toenail. We share a glorious reality with every stranger we meet because we’re both image-bearers of God. Nobody expects strangers to treat them like close friends, but I think our shared creatureliness deserves a “Good morning” and a smile, or at least a nod that kindly suggests, “I recognize your existence.”

    Moments like these remind us that even the smallest interactions can reflect a relationship with God, and they help shape the kind of christ centered relationships we cultivate with others.

    Levels for Discernment

    These four relational levels — Close Friends, Good Friends, Friends, and Acquaintances — are meant to guide us practically when it comes to giving and receiving, being help-needers and help-givers. If the titles are throwing you off, you might prefer to refer to the levels as 1, 2, 3, and 4. Apart from proximate, manifest need — such as a woman running to you screaming for help — we have different relational expectations based on these different levels. Because we all have relationships of various kinds, the relationship circle immediately gets personal and practical. We have real people in our lives that fall within those four rings, and what is our responsibility to these different people?

    For example, I recently had a Close Friend move west a few states. He made plans to drive a 26-foot long moving truck some 24 hours alone, through a section of the Rocky Mountains. He didn’t ask me for help, but I was convinced he needed it. I offered to accompany him on the trip and share the driving. Was I obliged to make that trip with him? Not exactly. I was not commanded by an authority over me. I was under no contract. But I did discern a responsibility to help — one that I would not have discerned for someone at the “Friend” level (Level 3), and probably not even at the “Good Friend” level (Level 2).14

    To be sure, none of us will carry a relationship circle cheat-sheet in our back pocket, constantly pulling it out for reference — like in baseball these days when outfielders check the scouting report on every hitter that steps to the plate. But we at least subconsciously think in these terms. Looking back, I decided to help my close friend with the move because he was a bona fide close friend, recognized by the fact that he would have done the same for me, that he’s one of the few people I’d want to hang out with for 36 straight hours, and that he’s on the short list of people I’d never want to move away to begin with. You could call this a relational cocktail of mutuality, joy, and love — the sort of love shaped by a relationship with God that deepens how we give and receive.

    We arrived safely and on time, easing the U-Haul into the driveway of his new house, greeted by an army of volunteers, all Friends at least, to help with the unload. But it’s Close Friends who help people leave.

    Think about your own relationship circle for a minute. Are you able to place faces in the first few rings? Which relationships are you unsure about where to place?

    Keep in mind that none of these levels are fixed and immovable. Throughout different seasons of our lives, especially as our relational callings change, people move in and out of these levels. Our fundamental responsibility is always “decency,” but that can look different ways toward the same people at different times.

    There is my biological brother, for instance. By most standards, I love and trust him as much as anyone, but we live halfway across the country from one another. We keep in contact, and if he had a manifest need, I’d do whatever I could to help him, all things considered. But I wouldn’t consider him a “Close Friend” (Level 1) at this point in our lives, even though I would have considered him that in the past when we lived in the same city. Our biological brotherhood doesn’t necessitate that we be even “Good Friends” (Level 2), but we are because of our love for one another and our similar priorities in life — not to mention some common interests, such as the St. Louis Cardinals.

    And as we navigate these changing rings, we’re reminded that our relationship with God helps us hold relationships with open hands — grateful, but not grasping — trusting Him through seasons of closeness and distance.

    You could probably think of similar examples in your own life, of changing relationships, of friends come and gone. It would be appropriate to mourn the loss of these changes. In fact, you must mourn the loss, lest multiple losses compound over time to shrink your heart and distort you relationally. Are not these losses also a big part of what makes relationships hard?

    It’s not uncommon in dating relationships for young men and women to have the occasional “DTR” conversation (define the relationship), but it’s too awkward to talk like that with anyone else. It would be nice, though, wouldn’t it? You sit down with your bestie and her husband and say, “Okay, it’s official, we’re Close Friends and we always will be, which means neither of our families will move away without the other.” Staying married for a lifetime is challenging enough, close friendships over a lifetime are basically extinct. And that is okay.

    Years ago, my wife and I were intimidated at the thought of moving to a new city, from Raleigh-Durham to Minneapolis-St. Paul. We were moving toward two acquaintance-contacts (Level 4), but zero friends. Days before we set out, in a casual conversation after a church service, our pastor’s wife, sensing our trepidation, told us that God didn’t owe us friends, but that they are a blessing he provides. That was nearly two decades ago now, and it is so wonderfully true. God has been kind to give us people in our lives with whom we give and receive, even if for a season. We’ve had more relational movement in those circles than I ever imagined, with a lot of joy and sadness mixed in. Life is relationships, and relationships are hard, but God is good. Moments like these also remind us how deeply every season of friendship is shaped by our relationship with God, who faithfully provides the people we need at the right time.

    —

    Discussion & Reflection:

    1. Can you identify people in your life at all four levels?
    2. Which level would you consider your greatest relational need?
    3. Are there people who would list you as a level 1 close friend? Are there ways you can
      grow as a help-giver to your own close friends?

    —

    Part 4: The Goal of Relationships

    There are three categories of relationships: our relationship with God (vertical) is most important, followed by our relationship to ourselves (internal). These two shape our relationships with others (horizontal).

    Within our horizontal relationships, we’re all help-needers and help-givers. One broad way to think about relationships in general is in terms of calling and kind. What is our calling in the relationship? What kind of relationship is it? In every relationship we either have authority or responsibility, or both, or neither. That calling, whichever it is, is played out in three kinds of relationship: In-Relation-Over (like a parent), In-Relation-Beside (like a sibling), and In-Relation-Under (like a child).

    The way we behave in each of these kinds of relationships is our relational decency. It means we act in a way that is fitting to the relational calling and kind. This is often clearer in cases of In-Relation-Over and under, but it requires more prudence with those to whom we are In-Relation-Beside. In these relationships, our responsibility to decency is determined by the other’s age, gender, and proximate, manifest need.

    In normal situations, unlike the Jericho Road experience, it’s often still not clear what our relational expectations might be. A tool for navigating those expectations is a relationship circle, which categorizes our relationships in four levels of highest to lowest trust.

    If we could hold all of this together — the calling and kind, relational decency, our varying expectations in light of the relationship circle — it would form our relational intelligence … a daunting task, it may seem, but worth our efforts, especially when we remember what it’s all about.

    Focusing on the Goal

    What is the aim in our horizontal relationships? Realizing that most of us aren’t experts here, that we’ve made, and are yet to make, countless relational mistakes, what is the goal of relationships anyway?

    Well, if our most important relationship is our relationship with God — if our greatest good is having God and our greatest need is to be reconciled to him — shouldn’t our horizontal relationships have something to do with that?

    John tells us that in the New Jerusalem there won’t be any need for a sun, because the glory of the Lord will light the city (Rev. 21:23). And we imagine that just as the sun won’t be needed then as it is now, horizontal relationships won’t be either. We already know that there’s no marriage in heaven (see Matt. 22:30), but what about close friends? Or is it that everyone is close friends? We don’t know, but it’s safe to say it’ll be different, and one part that will be different is that we’ll have arrived where we’ve been headed all along. We will finally be in the Celestial City, as John Bunyan calls heaven in Pilgrim’s Progress.

    Bunyan’s masterpiece, first published in 1678, has reportedly sold more copies than any other book in the world next to the Bible. Written in the form of a travel story as an allegory for the Christian life, Bunyan details the journey of Christian, the main character, from the City of Destruction to the Celestial City. Christian’s pilgrimage, with its ups and downs and near insurmountable challenges, has encouraged countless Christians over the centuries. And perhaps one unsung wonder of the story is how it portrays the value of relationships. In every new scene, every dialogue, Christian finds himself as a person-in-relation, sometimes for good or ill. Ultimately, though, it’s relationships that make the difference for him, giving him the help he needs to arrive safely in the presence of God.

    The final scene of Christian’s journey makes this clearest. Christian and his friend, Hopeful, come in view of the city’s gate, but “betwixt them and the Gate was a River, but there was no bridge to go over, and the river was very deep.” The only way to get to the gate was to go through the River, but the way the River worked was that the more faith you had, the shallower the water. When your faith slipped, the water would get deeper and you’d start to sink. But Christian and Hopeful enter the River together.

    They then addressed themselves to the Water, and entering, Christian began to sink, and crying out to his good friend Hopeful, he said, I sink in deep Waters; the Billows go over my head, all the Waves go over me. Selah.

    Then said the other, Be of good cheer, my Brother, I feel the bottom, and it is good.15

    But Christian continued to struggle. Hopeful continued to comfort him.

    Then Hopeful added these words, Be of good cheer, Jesus Christ maketh thee whole: And with that Christian broke out with a loud voice, Oh, I see him again! and he tells me, When thou passest through the Waters, I will be with thee; and through the Rivers, they shall not overflow thee. Then they both took courage together, and the Enemy was after that as still as a stone, until they were gone over.16

    Just as Christian helped Hopeful earlier in their journey, Hopeful helped Christian here. Help-needers and help-givers, and the ultimate help we all need and give is to have God. In the end, the goal of every horizontal relationship, whatever the calling and kind and varying expectations, should be to help the other get God. We, as individuals-in-relation, want to be pointers, reminders, encouragers, and more, of who God is and what he has done in Christ to bring us home. Deep down, every Christ-centered relationship is meant to strengthen our relationship with God, drawing us closer to him as we journey through life.

    On our journey toward that last River, deep and treacherous as it may be, let us, in relationships, take courage together. And until that day we meet the Lord, a fictional angel might remind us that no man is a failure who has friends. Relationships are hard, but life is relationships.

    End Notes

    1. Faith Cook, A Pilgrim Path: John Bunyan’s Journey, (Evangelical Press, 2017), 39–43. See also, John Bunyan, 1666, Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners, (Carlisle, PA: Banner of Truth, 2018).
    2. Richard Plass and James Cofield, The Relational Soul: Moving from False Self to Deep Connection, (Downers Grove: InterVarsity Press, 2014).
    3. Plass and Cofield, 109.
    4. “Professed theology” (versus “lived theology”) is the phrase used by my mentor, Warren Watson. For more from Warren, check out “Change Is Truly Possible: Hope from Forty Years of Counseling,” May 14, 2019, https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/change-is-truly-possible;  and “Still Saints: Caring for Christians with Personality Disorders,” January 3, 2019, https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/still-saints.
    5. Ibid., 109. Emphasis added. For a great example of self-clarity and its importance, see also Peter Scazzero, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: It’s Impossible to Be Spiritually Mature, While Remaining Emotionally Immature, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2017).
    6. Ibid., 100. The go-to quotation to drive home this point is the opening of John Calvin’s Institutes. “Nearly all the wisdom we possess, that is to say, true and sound wisdom, consists of two parts: the knowledge of God and or ourselves.” (Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, Vol 1., trans. Ford Lewis Battles, (Louisville: Westminster John Knox Press, 1960), 35.
    7. Dane Ortlund, Deeper: Real Change for Real Sinners, (Wheaton: Crossway, 2021).
    8. Edward T. Welch, Side by Side: Walking with Others in Wisdom and Love, (Wheaton: Crossway, 2015).
    9. Westminster Larger Catechism (https://www.ligonier.org/learn/articles/ westminster-larger-catechism); see also John Frame, The Doctrine of the Christian Life, (Phillipsburg: P&R Publishing, 2008), 586.
    10. The use of “decency” that I intend is the meaning of fittingness or appropriateness. This is different than the colloquial meaning of “decent” which is often used to express the lowest possible bar of acceptability. For example, one might ask, “How is the coffee?” The friend replies, “It’s decent.” The use here is to say that the coffee is actually bad but could be worse. It’s “decent” as in “I’m not going to spit it out, but I don’t really like it.” I am not using the word that way. Rather, I am using “decency” in the same meaning my mother first explained it to me. When my siblings and I were kids, Mom curtailed our barging through closed doors by teaching us to, first, knock, and then ask, “Are you decent?” In other words, is your appearance fitting to the occasion of my seeing you? Appropriateness is the meaning. Relational decency is a certain demeanor prudentially applied to our various relationships given the factors of age, gender, and proximate, manifest need.
    11. Chip Dodd and Stephen James, Hope in the Age of Addiction: How to Find Freedom and Restore Your Relationships, (Grand Rapids: Revel, 2020), 73.
    12. Jen Rigney, a Close Friend to my wife and me, read an earlier draft of this guide and noted a distinction among men and women on this point. She and my wife claim that it’s easier for women to maintain Close Friendships without geographic proximity, whereas it’s more difficult for men. My hunch is that lasting closeness in men’s relationships relies upon a common mission, which often requires geographic proximity. C. S. Lewis gets into some of these matters in his book, The Four Loves. See C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves: An Exploration of the Nature of Love, 1960, (Boston: First Mariner Books, 2012 edition).
    13. Granted, we must trust strangers at some level. The world depends on it. Referred to as “truth-default theory,” Malcom Gladwell explains this concept in his book, Talking to Strangers: What We Should Know About People We Don’t Know, (Boston: Little, Brown and Company, 2019).
    14. This is not to say that you wouldn’t make such a trip with a friend (Level 3), but in that case, you would most likely have other interests in play, such as you enjoy road trips, or you wanted to visit the Rocky Mountains, or you were eager to finish a podcast. The true rub of relational responsibility is the cost we’re willing to give for the sake of the other. Where there is higher trust, we are willing to pay higher costs.
    15. John Bunyan, Pilgrim’s Progress, 1678, (Carlisle, PA: Banner of Truth, 2009), 182.
    16. Bunyan, Pilgrim’s Progress, 184.

    About the Author

    JONATHAN PARNELL is the lead pastor of Cities Church in Minneapolis-St. Paul. He is the author of Mercy for Today: A Daily Prayer from Psalm 51 and Never Settle for Normal: The Proven Path of Significance and Happiness. He and his wife, and their eight children, live in the heart of the Twin Cities.

    #1 Mentorship: How to Find a Mentor and Be One

    Part 1: Paul & Timothy

    One of the clearest pictures of mentoring in the New Testament is the relationship between the Apostle Paul and Timothy. In fact, over the years, many people have even framed their questions and requests for mentoring around this relationship.

    In the book of Acts and the two personal letters the Apostle Paul wrote to him (1 & 2 Tim.), we see that Timothy blossomed from a young disciple of Jesus to one of Paul’s successors in ministry. The glimpses of Timothy’s development under Paul’s spiritual mentorship provide us a strong foundation and model for mentoring. What follows is a reflection on Paul’s mentorship of Timothy as described in Scripture, followed by practical implications for mentoring today

    Though it is tempting to skip the theological reflections and go right to the practical implications, resist the urge. These reflections on Paul and Timothy’s relationship are not theological throat clearing. It’s meant to help us gain and articulate a theological foothold for what a distinctively Christian approach to mentoring entails. Again, what does it mean to be a mentor? How can you truly mentor someone or be mentored by someone if you don’t know what the aim of mentoring is?

    These reflections from Paul and Timothy’s relationship provide a stable foundation and practical categories that will enable both mentors and mentees to confidently engage in their own mentoring relationships. If you’re wondering how to find a mentor, the relationship between Paul and Timothy provides a strong example. It shows us that mentoring is about growth, wisdom, and intentional guidance in both faith and life.

    Paul’s Mentorship of Timothy: A Summary

    Although not much is known about Timothy’s early life and faith, the correspondence from the Apostle Paul to Timothy informs us that he was trained in the fear of God from an early age by his Jewish mother, Eunice, and grandmother, Lois (2 Tim. 1:5). These godly women were Timothy’s first and most foundational mentors. From Timothy’s childhood, these faithful women acquainted him with sacred Scripture and modeled the faith for him (2 Tim. 3:14–15).

    The best we can tell, Paul’s spiritual mentorship of Timothy began in the city of Lystra during his second missionary journey (Acts 16:1). By the time Paul discovered him, Timothy had already developed a good reputation among his church (Acts 16:2). That is, he was a prime mentee candidate. During his trip, Paul noticed something in Timothy that compelled him to bring the young man along with him on the mission (Acts 16:3). It seems Paul was active and opportunistic when it came to being a mentor. He was on the lookout, seeking opportunities to mentor those who, like Timothy, stood out among the next generation. His mentorship with Timothy began this way.

    As he left Lystra, Timothy was immediately immersed in the work of ministry as he followed and assisted Paul and Silas: Early into the journey, Paul left Timothy with Silas, providing him the first of many opportunities to step up and take on more responsibility (Acts 17:14). Paul also gave Timothy special assignments along the way (Acts 19:22) and entrusted to him more and more leadership. Paul poured into Timothy and worked tirelessly to raise him up in the ministry. Though the book of Acts provides a summary of the things Timothy saw, we are only left to imagine the lessons he learned and the commentary the young man received from Paul along the way. Undoubtedly, being a mentor in this way helped Timothy grow and develop quickly in his convictions, calling, character, and competencies.

    As the years unfolded, Timothy grew from one of Paul’s many mentees into one of the apostle’s most trusted and faithful co-workers. Seeing Timothy as more than a fellow worker (Rom. 16:21; 1 Thess. 3:2) and brother in Christ (2 Cor. 1:1; Col. 1:1; 1 Thess. 3:2), Paul considered Timothy his beloved and faithful child in the Lord (1 Cor. 4:17; 1 Tim. 1:18; 2 Tim. 1:2). In his personal letters to Timothy, Paul offers us a glimpse of their mentoring relationship, including his own hopeful expectations for how Timothy would continue to grow and flourish long after the apostle was gone.

    Though Paul was apprenticing Timothy toward a particular vocational end—ministry—there is much in Paul’s spiritual mentorship of Timothy that is applicable to any mentoring relationship. Indeed, one of the overarching themes emerging from Paul’s two letters to Timothy is his intent to mentor Timothy in four particular areas of his life: his convictions, calling, character, and competencies. The Apostle Paul knew that these four areas of his mentee’s life were foundational to his flourishing.

    Thus, we learn from Paul’s example that nurturing a mentee in these four areas is the underlying aim in our mentoring. A closer look at Paul’s two letters to Timothy helps clarify these categories and provides practical insights into what Christian discipleship in mentoring looks like. For those wondering how to find a mentor, this example from Paul and Timothy shows us that a true mentor nurtures and shapes the character and calling of the mentee, making a profound and lasting impact. 

    The Letter of 1 Timothy

    Paul’s first letter to Timothy focuses on instructing Timothy to lead and oversee the church in the city of Ephesus. As one of his special assignments, Paul left Timothy in Ephesus to confront false teachers in the city.1 It was an unenviable task. Although Timothy was in his early thirties2 and still relatively young by the world’s standards, Paul believed his mentee was up to the pastoral challenge. He wrote the letter to affirm Timothy as his representative in Ephesus and to encourage him in the work.3 The letter brims with insight for mentors seeking to learn how to find a mentor or develop the next generation of leaders.

    Christian mentorship is at the heart of Paul’s relationship with Timothy, as he offers both spiritual and practical guidance to ensure his mentee flourishes in his calling.

    Conviction and Calling.

    Paul begins his first letter to Timothy with a personal address and charge to Timothy, exhorting him to remember the ultimate aim in all his life and work: “Love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith” (1:5). Reminding Timothy of his foundation for accomplishing this charge, Paul urges him to remember “the prophecies previously made about you, that by them you may wage the good warfare, holding faith and a good conscience. By rejecting this, some have made shipwreck of their faith” (1:18–19). This is how Paul opens the letter. Before he gives directions about what Timothy is to do in his work, he begins with what is more urgent. He reminds Timothy of his vocational calling to his work and urges him to hold tightly to the convictions of his faith that provide his foundation to do so.

    Paul believes that Timothy’s sound doctrine and calling to the work—a call validated by the gift of the Spirit and through the prophecies made about him4—will empower Timothy for the grueling job in front of him. Paul understands that, without steadfastness in doctrinal convictions and confidence in his calling, Timothy’s faith and ministry will be shipwrecked. This is how he opens this personal correspondence to his mentee.

    Paul ends the letter in a similar way. Alluding to how Timothy’s convictions and calling should shape and characterize his lifestyle, Paul admonishes Timothy to flee the temptations and enticements of his flesh: “Fight the good fight of faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses” (6:12–14). A few sentences later, Paul ends the letter by pleading, “O Timothy, guard the deposit entrusted to you” (6:20). It is noteworthy that Paul ends the letter the same way he begins it, impressing upon Timothy that his conviction, made visible in his good confession, is paramount to his pastoral duties in Ephesus.5

    The two bookends of Paul’s letter provide significant insight into two pillars of distinctively Christian mentorship. As he expresses to Timothy how he should carry out his ministry in Ephesus, Paul insists that it is of first importance that Timothy remember, keep, and guard the confession of his faith and assurance of his vocational calling. Paul’s angst and exhortation for Timothy to internalize this is clear by the way he begins and concludes his letter. Yet, in his spiritual mentorship, Paul also makes plain to Timothy that he will need more than a constant remembrance of his Christian convictions or confidence in his calling to flourish. Timothy will need to build on these foundation stones by developing his character and competency.

    Character and competency.

    In one of the most memorable passages connected to mentoring in all Scripture, Paul sheds additional light on the aim of mentoring:

    “If you put these things [the previous instructions] before the brothers, you will be a good servant of Christ Jesus, being trained in the words of the faith and of the good doctrine that you have followed. Have nothing to do with irreverent, silly myths. Rather, train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. This saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance. For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe.

    Command and teach these things. Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity. Until I come, devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture, to exhortation, to teaching. Do not neglect the gift you have, which was given you by prophecy when the council of elders laid their hands on you. Practice these things, immerse yourself in them, so that all may see your progress. Keep a close watch on yourself and on the teaching. Persist in this, for by so doing you will save both yourself and your hearers”6 (1 Tim. 4:6–16).

    In these verses, Paul reiterates the necessity for Timothy to train himself in the “words of faith and of the good doctrine” that he has followed (4:6). He also echoes his earlier warning to “not neglect the gift” (4:14) that God has given Timothy. This is further evidence of Paul’s concern for Timothy to nurture his convictions and calling. But there’s more in this passage.

    The thrust of the text is an admonishment for Timothy’s conviction and vocational calling to shape his two primary ministries: his lifestyle and his teaching. Gordon Fee explains that this passage “makes it plain that Paul thereby wants Timothy to function as a model (vv. 12, 15), both for godly living (v. 12) and for ministry (vv. 13–14)—all for the sake of his hearers.” In other words, anchored by his convictions and calling, Timothy was to be a man of impeccable character and notable competence as he taught and modeled the Christian life. The mixture of Timothy’s lifestyle (vv. 7, 8, 12, 15–16) and his teaching (vv. 6, 11, 13, 15–16), fueled and informed by his convictions and calling, are the actual work of pastoral ministry to which Timothy was to devote himself.

    First Timothy shows us that the aim of mentorship in the Bible is strengthening the mentee’s convictions and vocational calling. What a mentee believes about God and what God has gifted and called him to do vocationally in the world as a part of the Great Commission are foundational to their flourishing. Yet, this letter also shows us the centrality of developing a mentee’s character and competency. If we were to summarize Paul’s aims for mentoring in 1 Timothy, we would say that those aims are to develop one’s conviction, calling, character, and competency. We see this in 2 Timothy as well.

    The Letter of 2 Timothy

    Paul’s second letter to Timothy is more personal than his first. Although Paul remains concerned about many of the same problems among the church in Ephesus, this letter takes on a completely different tone. Much of this is explained by the fact that Paul’s personal situation has drastically changed since his first letter. By the time Paul pens his second letter to Timothy, he is in prison awaiting execution, and his imminent death overshadows his last correspondence with the man he’s mentored. Fee expounds, in a sense, it is a kind of last will and testament, a “passing of the mantle.” In contrast to 1 Timothy, 2 Timothy is intensely personal, recalling their earliest days together (3:10–11; cf. 1:3–5) and, above all, appealing to Timothy’s abiding loyalty—to the gospel, to Paul himself, to his own calling (1:6–14; 2:1–13; 3:10–4:5).7

    Paul shows his heart in this letter. Thomas Lea and Hayne P. Griffin summarize it this way: “Paul focused his interest on Timothy. This is a personal word to a beloved follower.”8 His words provide a picture of his dying hopes for his son in the faith. The letter is a vulnerable summary of how Paul hopes Timothy will persevere in the work of ministry and commend his faith to the next generation. It provides one of the clearest glimpses of the heart and hope of Christian mentoring.

    In this final letter, Paul’s emphasis on spiritual mentorship becomes even clearer. His letters serve as a model for those seeking biblical mentorship, where a mentor pours into the spiritual growth of their mentee, encouraging them to stay true to the calling God has placed on their life. This letter to Timothy highlights how mentorship in the Bible is meant to guide the next generation of leaders, ensuring that they not only understand the truth but live it out faithfully.

    Conviction and calling

    Although different in tone, Paul’s words of exhortation in this second letter are similar to what we’ve already summarized from the first. Paul reminds Timothy that his convictions and calling are the basis for his flourishing: “I am reminded of your sincere faith. . . . For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (1:5, 6–7).

    Timothy’s “sincere faith” (1:5) and “the gift of God” (1:6) were the starting point for his life and ministry. Timothy was to hold to the sincere convictions of his faith and “fan into flame” the gifts of his vocational calling. Paul holds up to himself as the model for Timothy. He exhorts, “Follow the pattern of the sound words that you have heard from me, in the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. By the Holy Spirit, guard the good deposit entrusted to you” (1:13–14). The most important mentoring happens not just, or even primarily, through what we say, but through our very lives.

    Paul hopes and expects for Timothy to learn the most important thing about life and ministry from his own example: sound doctrine leads to sound faith and love. This is the pattern he wants Timothy to follow. Just as he did in his first letter, Paul follows these foundational words by reminding and warning Timothy of what happens to those who neglect to build their lives and ministry around their convictions and calling: They abandon the faith and turn away from their co-workers (1:15). Paul does not want this for Timothy.

    Later in the letter, Paul reiterates his hope that Timothy will follow his example and build his ministry upon his convictions and calling:

    You, however, have followed my teaching, my conduct, my aim in life, my faith, my patience, my love, my steadfastness, my persecutions and sufferings that happened to me . . . continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. (3:10–11, 14–15)

    With his death near, Paul’s primary angst for his beloved mentee is the same: that he perseveres in his faith and ministry by holding fast to his convictions and remembering his calling. It seems that Paul cannot repeat these fundamentals enough.

    If you’re wondering how to find a mentor, Paul’s relationship with Timothy is a perfect example of biblical mentorship rooted in faith and example. Paul doesn’t just give Timothy advice—he shows him how to live it out through his own life, which is a vital component of spiritual mentorship.

    For those seeking deeper insight, Bible verses on mentorship like these provide clear guidance on what true Christian mentoring should look like. Finally, when it comes to what does the Bible say about mentoring, it emphasizes that effective mentorship is not only about teaching but also about demonstrating the life of faith, fostering growth in both doctrine and character.

    Character and competency

    Yet, as with the first letter, Paul makes clear his desire for Timothy to do more than simply hold to his belief and calling. Timothy has been called and gifted in order to teach and model his convictions to others. Paul says, “What you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses, entrust to faithful men who will be able to teach others also” (2:2). It is here that one begins to see Paul’s strategy for maturing the church.9 Paul has poured his life into Timothy. He now expects Timothy to make the same deposit into others. The work of mentoring, or how to find a mentor, is about imbedding convictions and character into the lives of others so that they might turn and do the same. This work of multiplication is what Timothy was called to do. As he neared death, Paul hoped that his own ministry would advance through Timothy’s faithful and intentional deposits into others, much like the Paul and Timothy mentorship relationship they shared.

    And, as in the first letter, Paul conveys that Timothy is to do this work by modeling godly character and competently teaching the word of truth. Two passages in the letter make this clear. The first is found in 2 Timothy 2: Remind them of these things, and charge them before God not to quarrel about words, which does no good, but only ruins the hearers. Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth. But avoid irreverent babble, for it will lead people into more and more ungodliness, and their talk will spread like gangrene. . . . So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will. (2:14–17, 22–26)

    Timothy is to model (2:15–16, 22–25) and teach (2:14–15, 24–25) the Christian life to those inside (2:14) and outside of the church (2:25).10 In order for Timothy to do this, he must be growing in godly character and developing competency in proclamation. The hope is that God, through Timothy’s lifestyle and teaching, would grant and lead people, especially those opposing his life and message, to repentance (2:25–26). The guidance Paul provides is invaluable for how to be a Christian mentor in any context.

    The last charge from Paul to Timothy conveys the same hope. It is found at the end of the letter. Paul writes, I charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by his appearing and his kingdom: preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching. For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry. (4:1–6) Again, one sees Paul’s vision for Timothy to fulfill his vocation of ministry through a mixture of his patient, sober-minded, and steadfast character and his steady, diligent, competent preaching and teaching. In addition to guarding and nurturing his mentee’s convictions and calling, Paul was aiming to foster his character and competency until the very end.

    Paul’s relationship with Timothy provides invaluable insights into the nature of mentoring. One learns from Paul’s letters to Timothy that his mentoring was focused on four particular areas of Timothy’s life: his convictions, calling, character, and competencies. Christian mentoring is aimed at the very same things. Although the assignment and context of our mentoring relationships are different from Paul and Timothy’s, their relationship helps us understand the fundamental nature and aims of mentoring. Any younger person seeking to be mentored and any older person hoping to mentor will be served well by Paul’s instructions and order our mentoring relationships in light of them. The rest of this field guide aims to provide practical considerations about how to find a mentor and how to be a Christian mentor.

    Part 2: How to find a mentor

    There’s a sense in which how to find a mentor is easy — just ask! Find someone whose life — whose convictions, calling, character, and competencies — are worth imitating and ask them to be your mentor. But finding a mentor is typically a bit more involved than that. If it were that simple, it wouldn’t be one of the most frequently asked questions I’ve received over the years, and this field guide would be much shorter. But keep in mind, that’s eventually where finding a mentor ends up: you asking someone to mentor you. Along the way, here are a few things to keep in mind that might help you find the right mentor.

    Be mentor-able 

    This is easily overlooked in the search for a mentor. And certainly, it’s easy to miss in Timothy’s example. By the time Paul showed up in Lystra, Timothy already had a good reputation among the church. Though we can’t be sure why, Paul saw certain qualities in Timothy that made him a prime candidate for mentorship. That is, Timothy was mentor-able.

    As I mentioned earlier, I’ve encountered many young people through the years who assumed that having a mentor was a sort of birthright of the Christian life. The assumption, often unconscious, was something like, “Everyone gets a Paul.” What I’ve often had to explain is that “No, everyone doesn’t get a Paul.” And not just because Paul was an apostle! In many contexts, like my local church, the demand for mentors simply outpaces supply. And thus, those whose lives are worth imitating are already mentoring people. Which means there are simply fewer mentors available, and those who are have to be selective about who they choose to mentor.

    As you look for a mentor, you need to ask yourself, “Am I the type of person who is prepared to imitate a life worthy of the gospel?” Not everyone gets a Paul. And one reason for that is because not everyone is a Timothy. For all that we don’t know about Timothy, we do know he was mentor-able. He was eager and ready to have someone shape and strengthen his convictions, his calling, his character, and his competencies. He was already living a Godward life when Paul came through town.

    Know where to look

    Another practical consideration in how to find a mentor is knowing where to find them. You can find a mentor anywhere. But the ideal place to find a mentor is your local church. That way, your lives are more intertwined — and your mentorship deeper — because your spiritual lives are being shaped by the same congregation. You are worshiping and receiving the same teaching each week. Your doctrinal convictions are generally aligned, as well as your weekly rhythms of worship. Finding a mentor in your congregation provides more opportunity for the mentorship to be life-on-life and not compartmentalized into one area of life. Finding a mentor in your local church goes a long way to assure that the most important and foundational area of the mentoring relationship — your Christian convictions — are shared.

    For many people, the number one hindrance to finding a mentor is that they are simply not in contexts with people who are older or in a different stage of life. Sadly, this is often true even in churches. For many in my church over the years, getting serious about finding a mentor meant they got up earlier and went to the earlier worship service. For others, it meant they began attending the church’s monthly prayer meetings looking for a mentor there. For still others, it meant they transitioned out of their community group that was filled with peers their age and into a multi-generational group. Or they joined a men’s or women’s Bible study specifically to be with older men or women. Whatever the case, for many, getting serious about finding a mentor required them to rearrange their schedules in order to be in places where mentors could be found.

    As you think about how to find a mentor, are you in the right contexts? What do you need to rearrange in your schedule, and particularly your life in your local church, to be more likely to find someone whose life is worth imitating?

    Know who you’re looking for 

     As you think about where to look for a mentor, it’s also important to have clarity about who you’re looking for. When you think about women and men whose lives are worth imitating, do you know what that means? Beyond being Christian, what else are you looking for in a mentor? This is where the categories we gleaned from Paul’s letters to Timothy can be useful to you as a mentee. In looking for a woman or a man to mentor you, you are looking for someone who can shape your convictions, calling, character, and competencies. This also gets at what it means to be a good mentor — someone who develops those same areas in the lives of others.

    – Convictions: In looking for a mentor, you’re looking for someone who is clear and convictional in their beliefs about God and the gospel. They don’t need to be a seminary professor or carry around a systematic theology book in their cars, but you need to be confident that this person is rooted and grounded in the truth of God’s Word. And more than just knowing and articulating the right doctrine, they should be living their lives in light of it. Remember, Paul encouraged Timothy not only to imitate what he believed but how he lived in light of what he believed. When you’re looking for a mentor, you’re looking for someone whose life is worth imitating in this regard. And thus, someone who is able to mentor — to shape and direct and strengthen — you in your own Christian convictions.   

    – Calling: In addition to Christian convictions, you’re also looking for someone who is able to help you grow in your vocational calling. Whether we are pastors or homemakers or teachers or barbers, our vocations matter in the kingdom of God. We’ll steward more time in our lives toward our vocation than anything else, save sleep. This is why integrating our worship and work is so important. Timothy’s vocation was pastoral ministry, and the Apostle Paul was uniquely equipped to help him live that calling faithfully. What about you? Do you have a sense of your vocational calling? Perhaps you do and you want to find a mentor who has been serving in a similar vocation. Perhaps you desire more clarity about that and that’s why you’re seeking out a mentor to begin with. Whatever the case, an important consideration in finding a mentor is finding someone whose vocation and work ethic you respect. Believe it or not, much of your conversation throughout the mentoring will be centered on your work. As you keep your eyes open for a potential mentor, your own sense of vocational calling, or lack thereof, might be helpful in your considerations. 

    – Character: As one of my own friends and mentors likes to say, “Character is king.” In a healthy mentoring relationship, this will be true. We see this in Paul’s letters to Timothy. Again and again and again, Paul counsels and reminds and exhorts Timothy about his character. And when it comes to mentoring, you cannot give what you don’t have. As you look for a mentor, you are looking for a woman or a man whose character, rooted in and flowering up out of their convictions, is lived in a manner worthy of the gospel. It’s a cliché in mentoring and discipling that “more is caught than taught,” and this is certainly true with character. For better or worse, your character will be shaped by the character of your mentor. It’s perhaps the most shaping aspect of the relationship. As you seek a mentor, keep this in mind. Look past the secondary aspects that might initially incline you toward someone and find a mentor whose character is the most attractive thing about them. 

    – Competencies: Lastly, there will be a variety of life competencies — at work, at home, in relationships, etc. — that you will need to grow in over the coming days and years. A big part of mentorship is having someone to encourage you and spur you along in the areas where you are competent and to give you counsel, comfort, and correction about the areas where you are not-yet-competent. Obviously, this is not to say you need to find a mentor who is omni-competent in every area of life. That person doesn’t exist. And there will most likely be areas of life, and perhaps particularly vocationally, where you have more competency and skill than your mentor. What I’m intending to acknowledge here is that in a mentoring relationship where you are seeking godly guidance for all of life, it’s important that you respect your mentor’s ability to speak to your competencies. In many ways, this will be the area of some of the most practical conversations you’ll have. A good mentor will be able to spot and nurture your strongest competencies and the areas of your most glaring incompetencies. Both are important.

    Though this may be a lot to think about, and even feel a bit overwhelming, it’s important to know who you’re looking for when you’re trying to find a mentor. In general, you’re looking for someone whose life you’ve determined to be worth imitating. More specifically, you’re looking for someone who you believe is capable of nurturing your convictions, calling, character, and competencies. 

    Know what to ask

    Actually making the “big ask” is where the rubber meets the road in finding a mentor. Though finding one is not as easy as asking, the way you approach a potential mentor is an important part of establishing the relationship you’re wanting. Over the years, one of the most common responses I’ve observed to the question, “Will you be my mentor?” is the answer, “What do you mean by that?” So, once you’ve discerned who you’d like to ask to mentor you, you would do well to consider what you’re requesting. 

    More particularly, it would be beneficial for you to consider how you’d like the “formal” times of mentoring to be structured. Though the structure will ultimately depend on the mentor’s availability and preferences, it’s helpful to know what you’d like to ask for on the front end. Do you want to meet with your mentor twice a month? Once a week? Do you want the time to be oriented around open-ended conversation, a book study, or some sort of mixture? When and where would you like to meet? Over lunch? At the office? These are the kinds of questions that you might want to think through when you’re preparing to ask someone to mentor you. Again, the mentor will eventually determine much of the structure, but thinking through these things on the front end will only serve to convey the sincerity and thoughtfulness of your request. It might also serve you to use the categories above — convictions, calling, character, and competencies — to develop a more specific list of ways you’re hoping to grow and develop through the relationship you’re seeking.  

    So when you’re looking for a mentor, know what you’re asking. That way, when you ask the question, “Will you mentor me?” and they respond, “What do you have in mind?” you will be ready. In addition to helping you clarify what you’re wanting out of the relationship, such thoughtfulness will help the potential mentor begin to imagine with you what the mentorship can look like. 

    Know who to ask

    Another often overlooked resource in finding a mentor is other people! Let other people know that you’re looking for a mentor and see if they have any recommendations. If you’ve decided to find a mentor in your church, ask your pastors or ministers who they’d recommend. Oftentimes, they’re able to take their knowledge of your life and the specifics of what you’re hoping for in a mentorship, and they can help you identify who might be a good fit for mentoring you. On more than one occasion, I’ve seen people do this kind of asking for recommendations and get the same name from multiple people. Such confirmation is always an encouragement. Though it can be humbling, it’s helpful to let other people know that you’re looking for a mentor and to be open to their insight. 

    Pray 

    Last but certainly not least, pray for the mentor you seek. There’s a sense in which finding a good mentor is like finding a good friend. You can prepare and pursue one, you can ask around for recommendations, but you can’t contrive or make one come about by your own efforts. Ultimately, a formative mentorship, like a deep friendship, is something you’ll need to receive as God graciously brings it about. Which will require you to be on the lookout for an answer to your prayers!

    If you’ve read this far, it means you’re hungry to find a mentor, to have someone shape and direct you into the fullness of your convictions, calling, character, and competencies. Truly, the most practical action you can take in response to this desire is to pray. Ask God to provide you the mentor you need. And keep your eyes and hands open, ready to acknowledge and receive the mentor he provides. It is our Father’s delight to conform us into the image of his Son, so we should not be surprised if he brings us someone whom he will use to that end. So as you consider who to ask and what to ask them, don’t neglect to ask God. He knows exactly who and what you need. 

    Part 3: Being a Mentor

    As with how to find a mentor, there’s a sense in which being a mentor is easy — just say yes! Or better yet, don’t wait for someone to ask. Initiate. Find someone whose life — whose convictions, calling, character, and competencies — you want to shape and ask them if you can mentor them. Again, that sounds easy enough, but we know that being a good mentor is more nuanced than that. If it were that simple, there’d be a lot fewer people looking for mentors. But at the heart of mentoring, there is a simple desire to entrust and pass along whatever good God has done for us onto others. In addition to a willingness to do so, here are a few thoughts to keep in mind that might serve your efforts to mentor.

    Know you have something to offer

    One of the first and highest hurdles that women and men are confronted with on the way to mentoring is the feeling that they don’t have anything to offer. People will ask, “Why would anyone want me to mentor them?” or “What do I have to contribute?” Sadly, these feelings have kept many people on the sidelines who have much to offer.

    One way to battle these insecurities is to simply acknowledge that they are normal and to be expected on the mentoring for spiritual growth journey. Yes, there are those blessed few among us who seem to know they have something to offer the world. But most, even those who unquestionably have lives worth imitating, don’t often feel that way. We simply don’t feel like mentors, in part because we’re so very aware of the areas in our lives that need mentoring! And that’s important to remember: becoming a mentor doesn’t mean we’ve outgrown the need for mentoring in our own lives. But we will never be finished products, so we need not wait until then before we offer to help others. Foundational to being a mentor is the willingness to humbly acknowledge that we have something to offer.

    If you think you have nothing to offer as a mentor, ask the person who has requested you to mentor them what they think you have to offer them. And remember that mentoring is not, ultimately, about you. It’s about the person you’re mentoring. For the mentor, mentoring is more fundamentally about discerning what the mentee needs, and how we can serve them toward that end, not what we have to give. We can all serve others in love. And if it helps you to think about it that way, that’s the heart of what it means to be a good mentor: serving your mentee in love.

    Know what you’re mentoring

    As you seek to steward the privilege and imagine the potential of your mentorship, knowing what you’re actually mentoring — what you’re aiming to shape, develop, and nurture — in your mentee is important. What are you hoping to see come about through your mentorship? What’s your aim? Again, this is where the categories we observed from Paul’s letters to Timothy can be useful to you as a mentor. You’re not the Apostle Paul, and you’re not mentoring Timothy, but the aim of your mentoring, like Paul’s, is to shape the convictions, calling, character, and competencies of the one you are mentoring.

    – Convictions: The most foundational thing we are seeking to mentor in our mentees is their Christian convictions. Distinctively Christian mentoring is grounded upon distinctively Christian convictions. This doesn’t mean you need a seminary degree or carry around a systematic theology in your car, but it does mean that the underlying aim of your mentorship is Godward. To be a distinctively Christian mentor is to understand that your fundamental aim in your mentoring is not to dispense wisdom, although hopefully that it will happen. It’s to devote yourself to your mentee being rooted and grounded in the gospel of Jesus Christ.

    – Calling: Of course, in addition to helping further ground them in their Christian convictions, you’re also going to be helping them remember, and perhaps discern, their vocational calling. Much of your mentorship, as we see in Paul’s letters to Timothy, will be centered around your mentee’s vocation. You will get to help them think through the highs and lows, the wins and losses, the desire or lack of desire they experience in their God-given vocation. Oftentimes, this will be the most important and pressing issue your mentee faces. They may have even sought you out as a mentor in order to sift through and gain clarity or confidence about their vocation.

    This doesn’t mean you need to have the same vocation as those you are mentoring, though that might be useful. And some may prefer that. But a firefighter can mentor an accountant and a homemaker can mentor a lawyer. In mentoring, the particular vocation matters less than the Godward way one goes about their vocation. One of the primary opportunities you have as a mentor is to help your mentee integrate faith and work, to view work as a true calling and vocation in life, and not just a job. You will be mentoring them toward confidence and joy in this calling.

    – Character: Character formation is the heart of distinctively Christian mentoring. In being a mentor, you are inviting a mentee to follow Jesus and to seek to be conformed more and more to his character alongside you. This is, ultimately, the bullseye of mentoring. So, as you prepare to mentor, make this your primary aim. Whatever your mentee thinks he’s asking you to be or do in being his mentor, keep the priority of character formation clear in your mind. You don’t have to state it as baldly to them as it’s written in this paragraph (though you might choose to), but it needs to remain at the forefront of your vision as a mentor. Again, your primary function is not to dispense secret wisdom and knowledge to your mentee, it’s to guide them toward being conformed to the character of Christ, in whom wisdom and knowledge are hidden.

    And as you keep character formation at the forefront of your mind in your mentoring, also remember that your mentee will most likely learn more from observing your character than listening to you talk about it. Knowing this, be intentional in the example you set. And be intentional about creative ways you can invite your mentee to witness your life. Invite them into your home or to observe you at work in your own vocation or other settings, if applicable. Whether they know it or not, the most beneficial part of your mentorship will be the effect you will inevitably have on the character of your mentee. And much of it simply through observing your life. Don’t lose focus on this. Amidst all the wisdom and experience that the mentee will hope to glean from conversations with you, remember that what your mentee needs most is for his character to be transformed. And a primary way that God will bring that about is through your own example.

    – Competencies: Lastly, there will be a variety of life competencies — at work, at home, in relationships, etc. — that your mentee will want and need to grow in over the coming days and years. Relax, this doesn’t mean you have to teach them to do everything. And it certainly doesn’t mean you have to be competent in all the areas of their incompetence. Indeed, one of the primary ways you’ll be able to help your mentee is by letting them see how you too, even though years ahead, are still identifying areas in your life where you need to grow and learn and become more competent. So take heart, your own incompetence is part of what will make you a good mentor!

    When it comes to competencies in mentorship, we’re primarily thinking about awareness. Part of being a mentor is spotting, communicating, and nurturing the areas of both strongest competencies and most glaring incompetencies. Both are important. And a big part of your role is simply to help them spot these areas of strength and weakness, acknowledge them, and courageously respond to them as faithfully as possible.

    Know who you’re mentoring.

    In addition to knowing what we’re mentoring in others, it’s important to know who we’re mentoring. Though the categorical aims for mentoring are always the same, every mentee is different. And this provides you with one of the greatest privileges of any mentorship: the opportunity to get to know the person you’re mentoring. This is especially true in Christian leadership mentoring, where the relationship involves guiding others not only in skills but in faith and character.

    Though uniqueness can and has been overplayed in our culture, the more you know about your mentee, the more specifically and pointedly you’ll be able to mentor them. In that sense, it can be like raising multiple children. It’s one thing to know how to find a mentor generally; it’s another to know how to mentor each individual specifically. You raise them all the same, generally. But you simultaneously raise them all distinctively as well. It’s the same in mentoring.

    In light of this, enjoy getting to know your mentee. As in parenting, the relational connection you forge with your mentee will open up a world of enjoyment and trust. And this world will never come about if you simply “plug and play” the mentorship. Part of the reason Paul could write the specific and personal things he did to Timothy is because his relationship with Timothy was not merely transactional. It was more than transferring information or knowledge. Much more. This is key to what it means to be a good mentor — developing a genuine, personal relationship with the person you’re guiding, rather than just imparting knowledge.The more time you take to get to know and love your mentee, the more transformational the mentorship will be. For both of you. Truly, one of the greatest gifts a mentor offers to a mentee is relationship. If character formation is the heart of mentoring, relationship is the soul. Get to know who you’re mentoring.

    Know how you’re mentoring

    In addition to knowing what and who you’re mentoring, know how you’re mentoring. By this I mean the form and structure your mentorship will take.

    There’s a seemingly endless variety of forms mentorship can take. What do you want yours to be? Do you want to meet with your mentee twice a month? Once a week? Do you want the time to be oriented around open-ended conversation, a book study, or some sort of mixture? When and where would you like to meet? Over lunch? At the office? At your home? All of the above? What kind of structure would allow you to best press into developing the mentee’s convictions, calling, character, and competencies? These are the kinds of questions you might think through when you’re preparing to mentor someone. It might take you some time to determine what you prefer or what works best for you. That’s okay. The important thing here is to have some kind of structure and consistency, even if that structure and consistency changes over time.

    To begin, you might consider meeting with your mentee once a week. Perhaps you have the same day and time each week but a different setting. This would allow you to begin the process of getting to know your mentee and what the most pressing needs of the mentorship seem to be initially while you two develop a longer-term form and structure to it. Ultimately, your preferences and inclinations should drive what the structure ends up being. Don’t be ashamed of this. You’re the mentor. And though you never want to be selfish in the mentoring relationship, forming and structuring the mentorship in a way that allows you to serve will ultimately be best for your mentee. This is especially true in terms of what it means to be a good mentor — setting up a structure that works well for both you and your mentee will allow you to be most effective.

    Be present

    Finally, a big part of being a mentor is just being there with and for the mentee. It would be misleading to say that showing up and actively listening is all there is to mentoring. But it’s a big part of it. When you commit to being a mentor, you’re committing to more than a consistent meeting. You’re committing to being present in your mentee’s life. For however long the mentorship lasts, and perhaps beyond, you’re pledging to be among those who will be there for them. You’re committing to being eyes, ears, and a voice to turn to in a unique season of life. Fundamentally, this is expressed within the structured times of the mentorship. But in the healthiest mentorships, it spills over those boundaries.

    Whatever the form and structure of the mentorship, show up and be present when you’re meeting. Remind yourself that being a mentor is not just about giving time to a mentee: it’s about giving quality time. We all know you can be in a meeting or a conversation without really being there. Resist this in your mentoring! Be present. Strive to listen and, in the Spirit of Christ, to love your mentee. When you’re with them, be with them. As much as anything, what mentees need from a mentor is a person who is ahead of them on the road who is willing to be with them. To love them by actively listening.

    Not disconnected from listening, the greatest gift the mentor can give to the mentee is to pray for them. Sadly, this is an often-neglected part of mentorship, even among Christians. Despite confessing otherwise, many Christians see prayer as passive and impractical. Which might explain why it is virtually nonexistent in so many mentorships. Why pray about it when you can discuss it with a mentor? The answer: because more transformation can take place in the life of a mentee in an hour of a mentor praying than a lifetime of them discussing.

    After all is said and done, the essence of mentorship is presence. In your mentoring, be present. Be present when you’re meeting with your mentee. And be present in prayer for them. There will be lots of moments in your mentorship where you will not know what to say, when you feel as if you don’t know how to strengthen your mentee’s convictions, calling, character, or competencies. At all times, but especially those times, fulfill your mentorship by being present. Show up, listen, and pray. 

    Conclusion

    In conclusion, there’s one last word of encouragement I would offer to those seeking how to find a mentor or to be mentors. Mentorships don’t last forever. At least many don’t. Many, if not most, mentorships are seasonal. God brings mentors and mentees into our lives for specific periods of time and for specific areas of godly guidance.

    So as you prepare to find a mentor or to be a mentor, relax. This mentorship most likely won’t last forever. And it’s most likely not the end-all, be-all mentoring relationship in your life or the person’s life you are mentoring. Letting go of unhealthy expectations will take the pressure off and, hopefully, allow you to enjoy the mentorship God brings your way.

    Yes, Timothy had Paul and their relationship was unique and long-term. But not everyone gets a Paul. Most of us don’t. But in God’s grace, he is good to lead us to others within his church where we can both give and receive the godly guidance we need to deepen our convictions, strengthen our sense of calling, nurture our character, and encourage us in our competencies. And in the process, we learn how to find a mentor who will help us grow spiritually, and we also learn how to find a mentor who can guide others toward godliness. All to the glory and honor of God.

    End Notes

    1. Gordon D. Fee, 1 and 2 Timothy, Titus, The New International Biblical Commentary (Peabody, MA: Hendrickson, 1988), 2.
    2. John Stott, Guard the Truth: The Message of 1 Timothy & Titus, The Bible Speaks Today (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity, 1996), 37.
    3. Hayne P. Griffin and Thomas D. Lea, 1, 2 Timothy, Titus, The New American Commentary, vol. 34 (Nashville: Broadman, 1992), 43.
    4. Fee, 1 and 2 Timothy, Titus, 58.
    5. Platt, Akin, and Merida assert, “Paul returns to the exhortation he began with, and the theme he had touched on throughout the letter—hold fast to the truth of the gospel.” David Platt, Daniel L. Akin, and Tony Merida, Exalting Jesus in 1 & 2 Timothy and Titus, Christ-Centered Exposition Commentary (Nashville: B & H, 2013), 129.
    6. Fee, 1 and 2 Timothy, Titus, 102.
    7. Fee, 1 and 2 Timothy, Titus, 13.
    8. Griffin and Lea, 1, 2 Timothy, Titus, 44.
    9. Fee suggests that part of Paul’s desire for Timothy to entrust the message to others was so that Timothy could more quickly leave Ephesus to come to Paul’s side. If this is the case, what Paul is encouraging here is more than a simple ministry model. It is also the way the church is brought to maturity more quickly. Fee, 1 and 2 Timothy, Titus, 13.
    10. As Fee notes, “Paul wants Timothy to model a kind of teaching that will not simply refute error and save his hearers but that will also be used by God to rescue those who have already been entangled in the false teaching.” Fee, 1 and 2 Timothy, Titus, 266.

    About the Author

    Beau Hughes is the lead pastor of Cities Church in Minneapolis-St. Paul. He is the author of Mercy for Today: A Daily Prayer from Psalm 51 and Never Settle for Normal: The Proven Path of Significance and Happiness. He and his wife, and their eight children, live in the heart of the Twin Cities.