#55 Steering Clear of Pride: Humility as a Life Skill

Part One: Pride’s Ruin

I knew better. Better than my mother-in-law. Better than the GPS. Better than the signs on the road. I definitely knew better than most of the other drivers on the road. It was a wintry day, and snow had been falling steadily. Where I live, half a millimetre of snow usually causes absolute chaos, and that day was no different. My mother-in-law was picking me up after a long day at work and we were heading back to their house for a family dinner. However, the roads were carnage. Gridlock. And I was hungry. This is when it hit me—an absolute flash of brilliance!  I knew a shortcut down a country lane. And I was adamant it would get us home quicker. The road I had in mind was a country lane that happens to have a steep, sharp bend halfway down. It was on that bend that when we approached we skidded and spun, and eventually got stuck in the ditch off to the side of the road. Sitting there stuck in the mud made me realize my flash of brilliance wasn’t so brilliant after all. Thankfully, no major harm was done to the car or anyone else’s, but it was a close call. Even better news is that my mother-in-law is still speaking to me.

My pride almost caused great damage that day. Because that’s what pride does. It ruins everything it bumps up against.

We need to consider how pride ruins if we’re to know why we should daily seek to kill our pride. While identifying pride’s risks is not a guarantee we will successfully kill it God often uses warning as a means to keep us from harm. Indeed, Jesus himself used Lot’s wife (see Genesis 19) to warn us against becoming attached to this world.

We can think of the damage pride causes moving in two directions: vertical and horizontal. Let me explain: pride ruins our relationship with God (vertical), and it also damages our relationships with others (horizontal). The damage pride causes with God is primary and results in all the damage that follows with each other.

CS Lewis put it this way, “But pride always means enmity—it is enmity. And not only enmity between man and man, but enmity to God.”

Vertically, then, pride ruptures our relationship with God. Why? Because it sets us up to rival him. If we are putting ourselves in his place, then it stands to reason that we are putting ourselves against him, vying for the status that he uniquely possesses. And the consequence? God will oppose us.

Indeed, the Bible tells us three times that, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble”.

Why does God oppose the proud? Because there can only be one sovereign Lord of the universe, and despite what pride tells me, I’m not him. God says in Isaiah 42:8 that he doesn’t share his glory with others.

Pride then puts us in complete opposition to God. And as a result, our relationship with God isn’t just tainted or marred by pride—it is completely disrupted.

And what’s more, if pride is left unchecked, it has eternal consequences. For if we live in constant opposition to God, the Bible says that when we die, we will experience his opposition forever.

It’s worth pausing there and just taking in the consequences of pride. Pride sets us up in absolute opposition to God. It means we set ourselves against him, and in response, he is against us.

But as with all sin, pride also has consequences in this life as well as the one to come. If we think about it, this makes sense.  If we all go around, seeing ourselves as mini-gods, demanding that we are served by God and everyone else, it’s no wonder that when we then come into contact with others acting in exactly the same way, there’s friction.

And it should be no surprise that in a world full of pride, there’s bickering and arguments, fights and even wars. Pride can lead to family relationships breaking down, and it can also lead to nations declaring war on one another.

The short of it? Pride ruins things.

And we see this truth played out in the Bible. In fact, the Bible gives us multiple examples of just how destructive pride is. But let’s consider just one from the Old Testament. King Nebuchadnezzar.

King Nebuchadnezzar was king of Babylon, and during his reign, he achieved great power and glory. In Daniel 3, we see him setting up a statue that the whole land was commanded to bow down to…

And the herald proclaimed aloud, “You are commanded, O peoples, nations, and languages, that when you hear the sound of the horn, pipe, lyre, trigon, harp, bagpipe, and every kind of music, you are to fall down and worship the golden image that King Nebuchadnezzar has set up. And whoever does not fall down and worship shall immediately be cast into a burning fiery furnace. (Dan. 3:4-6)

And while the Bible doesn’t explicitly say who the image was of, it heavily implies that it was an image of Nebuchadnezzar himself. The statue looked exactly like him.

Now this is almost a perfectly worked example of my very definition of pride: Pride is a heart-disposition of self-exaltation, where I seek to put myself in God’s place. 

Nebuchadnezzar exalted himself. He commanded the whole land to bow down to this statue. And in so doing, he sought to take credit and receive glory and praise for his kingdom’s greatness. He sought the place that only God deserves.

But as we know, God opposes the proud. In the story, we see God intervening and opposing Nebuchadnezzar. “Those who walk in pride he is able to humble.” (Dan. 4:37).

And that’s what happens in Daniel 4. Nebuchadnezzar is humbled by God.

All this came upon King Nebuchadnezzar. At the end of twelve months he was walking on the roof of the royal palace of Babylon, and the king answered and said, “Is not this great Babylon, which I have built by my mighty power as a royal residence and for the glory of my majesty?”  While the words were still in the king’s mouth, there fell a voice from heaven, “O King Nebuchadnezzar, to you it is spoken: The kingdom has departed from you, and you shall be driven from among men, and your dwelling shall be with the beasts of the field. And you shall be made to eat grass like an ox, and seven periods of time shall pass over you, until you know that the Most High rules the kingdom of men and gives it to whom he will.” Immediately the word was fulfilled against Nebuchadnezzar. He was driven from among men and ate grass like an ox, and his body was wet with the dew of heaven till his hair grew as long as eagles’ feathers, and his nails were like birds’ claws. – Daniel 4:28-33

We see that Nebuchadnezzar’s sanity is taken away from him. He acts like an animal and is driven away from those whom he had just commanded to bow down to him. In short, his life falls apart.

Nebuchadnezzar is a warning to us of the dangers of pride. No, we might not literally build a statue of ourselves and ask others to bow down to it, but we can act in all too similar ways, can’t we? We, too, can demand our own way, insist that we know best, and we can force others to obey us even through subtle forms like emotional manipulation. And we too can seek to take the credit and glory and honour for things in our lives that come from God’s good hand. We can fool ourselves into thinking that we are a bigger deal than we actually are.

And yet this passage warns us that God will ultimately not be mocked. He doesn’t share his glory with others, and there will be consequences if we refuse to acknowledge him as Lord. No, we may not lose our sanity like Nebuchadnezzar does here, but the Bible is clear that we will reap what we sow. In this life, or the next, in one way or another. If we live with continued, unchecked pride, we will be forced to face the truth that we are not God. And this will lead to our undoing.

And that’s exactly what the Proverbs teach us.

Proverbs 16:18 says, “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.”

And Proverbs 11:12 says, “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.”

Whether then it is from the example of King Nebuchadnezzar or the pen of Solomon, the Bible consistently sounds the same message. Pride ruins everything. It brings destruction and disgrace.

And it seems then that we can either the heed the warnings of Scripture, or face the consequences of our pride in our lives. So, let’s just pause here and first ask some diagnostic questions of our hearts to try to discern if there is any unaddressed pride in our lives.

Why don’t you grab a pen and paper, go away from distractions, and journal an answer to each of these questions. When you come back, share your answers with your mentor/mentee:

Reflection Questions

1. Where in my life am I assuming I “know better” than others—perhaps even better than God?
2. Do I seek recognition about anything in my life like Nebuchadnezzar, even in subtle ways?
3. Am I able to rejoice with those who rejoice? If not, in what areas is this struggle?
4. How do I take criticism? Am I defensive when someone points out something about me?

Part Two: Pride’s Roots

I’ve recently taken up gardening, but am still pretty green at the craft (get the pun?) The first challenge of my fledgling gardening career was figuring out how to distinguish between a plant and a weed. And since then, those weeds have been the bane of my life! They pop up everywhere! At the beginning, I was content just to pull out the parts of the weeds that I could see; you know,  the bits that were above the ground. I was chuffed that the garden looked lovely, at least for a time. The issue was that it wasn’t long before the weeds came back with vengeance.

Sharing my frustration with a more experienced gardener, they smiled and told me I had to dig down and get all the roots out, and only then would they not grow back. I had to get to the root.

What is true of weeds is also true of all sin, and so of pride. We need to locate and deal with it at the root if we are to be successful in the long term.

So, having considered the ruin that pride causes. We’re now going to consider its root. In doing so, we’ll be setting ourselves up to learn how to best dig it out.

Let’s begin by going back to see where pride has come from. And we see that pride’s roots run deep. Indeed, pride predates humanity. The Bible indicates that pride started with Satan before the world was created.

We see this hinted at several times in the Bible. One place is in Isaiah 14, where Isaiah writes:

“How you are fallen from heaven,
O Day Star, son of Dawn!
How you are cut down to the ground,
you who laid the nations low!
You said in your heart,
‘I will ascend to heaven;
above the stars of God
I will set my throne on high;
… I will make myself like the Most High.’
But you are brought down to Sheol,
to the far reaches of the pit.” Isaiah 14:12-15

Originally, the “Day Star” mentioned in this passage refers to the human King of Babylon; however, many theologians and pastors have understood there to be another referent here. This passage alludes to Satan’s pride and his fall.

Though in the beginning Satan was a beautiful, radiant angel, reflecting the glory of God, it seems he grew jealous and desired for himself the glory that God alone has. Satan desired the throne that belongs to God, and in his pride, he fell.

If that was the first moment of pride in history, then it’s no wonder we need only get to the third chapter of the Bible before pride again shows up in catastrophic fashion. In Genesis 3, we see the now fallen Satan tempting Eve to eat the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Let’s pick up the story in Genesis 3:1:

Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?” And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.’ ” But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths. – Genesis 3:1-7

God allowed Adam and Eve (in his abundant generosity) to eat of any tree in the garden except one. They could enjoy all that they wanted, feasting on the bounty of God’s kindness. And even the restriction of not eating the fruit of the one tree was an act of kindness. The restriction reminded Adam and Eve that they weren’t God. They were people under God’s good authority.

And yet Satan came to tempt Adam and Eve to eat the fruit of the one tree that they were commanded not to eat. His tactic? Appealing to the same pride that caused his downfall.

Satan’s downright lies and wily half-truths deceived Eve’s heart that day. Satan distorted God’s word and sowed the seeds of doubt in Eve’s mind. She then disbelieved God and disobeyed him as she succumbed to temptation, and she and Adam ate the fruit.

Adam and Eve wanted to be like God, and they thought that eating the fruit meant that they would somehow become God’s equal.

The sin of pride that was responsible for Satan’s fall had now infected the hearts and minds of Adam and Eve. And from that time on, it didn’t take long for pride to spread throughout the world like an infection. Whether it was in Adam and Eve’s prideful replies to God’s questions, (it wasn’t my fault!) or in the building of the Tower of Babel in an attempt to reach the highest heaven, pride quickly spread like a virus, causing untold damage to every human.

And since that time, the sin of pride has been in the heart of everyone who has ever lived. The same pride that was in Adam and Eve’s hearts lives in us, in my heart and yours. That’s the point that Jesus makes in Mark 7. Listen to what he says:

For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.” – Mark 7:21-23

Jesus’s words here are so important because it’s crucial we grasp exactly where pride comes from if we are ever going to be able to deal with it properly. Just like with the weeds in my garden, we need to get to the root of pride if we are to kill it in our lives. We need to understand that pride sits in our hearts. The heart is the place of our desires, affections, and reasoning.

And we need to grasp that any remedy that doesn’t ultimately address our heart is going to fall well short of achieving a long-term solution. It may well work for an hour or a day at a push, but without striking it at the root, pride will keep on rearing its ugly head, with vengeance.

We’ll come to think more about the remedy for pride in the next section, but for now I want us to grasp where pride comes from. Its root.

And I want us to understand that what is ultimately needed for each one of us is new hearts. We need a heart that produces good, life-giving fruit, not sinful, poisonous fruit.

And the encouraging truth is that God, in Jesus, is in the business of giving people new hearts. He is able to change us from being those who seek our own glory and status to seeking God’s glory and wanting to serve others.

In fact, he promises in the Old Testament that this is what he’s going to do. Here’s what the prophet Ezekiel prophesied,

I will take you from the nations and gather you from all the countries and bring you into your own land. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. – Ezekiel 34:24-27.

Ezekiel teaches us that God himself is able and willing to root out the pride from our lives. He shows us that God alone is able and willing to give us new hearts—hearts that seek to honour and follow him.

But how do we get this heart? And why, after we become Christians, do we still struggle with our pride?

Let’s turn to our last chapter to see the answer to these questions and how we can cultivate humility in our lives.

Reflection Questions:

1. How do you try to “pull the weeds of pride in your life? Are your methods only surface-level, or do they seek to get to the heart?
2. How does recognising sin’s spiritual origin deepen your urgency to address it?
3. In what ways do you see pride influencing how you view or treat others?
4. Pray that God will open your eyes to see any areas of pride that you are blind to at present.

Part Three: Pride’s Remedy

In this final part, we will look at ways to steer clear of pride. First, we’re going to see how only Jesus can give us a new heart, a heart that pleases him. Next, we’ll consider four ways that we can (with God’s help) fight pride in our lives.

Where pride goes to die

In the last section, we saw that pride comes from within us, from our hearts. And we thought about how, therefore, we need new hearts if we are ultimately going to defeat pride.

And praise God that is what Jesus came to earth to bring. Paul writes in 2 Corinthians, “if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone and the new has come” (2 Cor. 5:17).

Jesus alone can make us spiritually new. He alone can fulfil the promise of Ezekiel to give us new hearts—hearts that don’t seek our own glory but desire to live for God in all things.

But how does he do this?

Well, just as the problem of pride is a substitution of ourselves for God, so the solution to pride is a substitution too—only this time a substitution of God for us.

Jesus is the only person who has ever lived a completely pride-free life. Though he had every reason to be proud (he’s God in the flesh!), he never sinned once, in thought or word or deed.

Indeed, though before his earthly existence, he enjoyed the praises of heaven and the worship of angels, he willingly humbled himself by taking on our humanity. The divine Son of God clothed himself in flesh. And he was born, not in a palace, or splendour, but in a feeding trough tucked inside a Bethlehem cave.

As you read about his life in the Gospels, you see that Jesus lived a humble life. His life wasn’t a life of lavishness or parading his glory in pomp and circumstance, but humbly loving and serving others. He served even to the point of death.

Jesus himself said, “For the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” – Mark 10:45

Jesus came and humbled himself even to the point of death, though he is the only person who has ever lived who didn’t deserve to die. But as Jesus said, his death had a purpose. You see, Jesus’s death wasn’t the tragic end of a good moral teacher. No, Jesus came to die for a reason—his death had a purpose.

Jesus’s death was that of a substitute. He died in the place of others. As a ransom for others. In death, Jesus paid the penalty that sinners deserve.

Jesus did this so that we can exchange what is rightfully ours (the wrath of God for our sin) for what is rightfully his (a perfect relationship with God that stems from a clean heart). Jesus makes it so that the greatest swap of all time can happen—our sin for Jesus’s perfection.

Jesus, in humility, substituted himself for an idolatrous, proud people. So that by his suffering we can not only be forgiven but also receive his righteousness.

This message is fundamental for us to grasp and respond to ourselves. In fact, nothing else in this chapter will be effective (at least in the long run) unless this foundation is in place in our lives.

So, just to recap: The solution to us substituting ourselves for God in pride is Jesus substituting himself for us in humility.

And yet you don’t have to have been a Christian for very long to know that sin still remains. And that’s true for pride also. Christians still struggle with pride. And that’s because pride is both slippery and stubborn.

Though Jesus has done all that is necessary for our sins to be forgiven, on this side of heaven, we still need to seek to put it to death  in our lives day by day. As Christians we are called to put to death what belongs to our earthly natures (Col. 3:5). And to “work out our salvation with fear and trembling” (Phil. 2:12).

Yes, we have been saved. We have been forgiven as Christians from all our sin. Praise God! And yet that doesn’t mean that we can be passive in our Christian lives. No, there is work for us to do. There is pride for us to fight by God’s grace.

So, practically, what does it look like to seek to put pride to death? How can we plot a course in our lives that steers well clear of it?

Here are four ways we can all seek to steer clear of pride in our lives and cultivate  a life of humility.

1. Look up, not down. 

First, a life of growing humility is cultivated as we focus our gaze on God. In other words, we are to keep looking up, not down. CS. Lewis said, “A proud man is always looking down on things and people: and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you.”

Now, of course, this isn’t meant literally, that would be a strange sight and somewhat dangerous to only look up into the sky versus at the ground. No, what is meant is that we should have the eyes of our hearts focused more on God than on those around us.

You see, our thoughts and affections should be directed towards Him. And as we do that, so the thoughts and praise of man become strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace.

Back to Nebuchadnezzar, we see in Daniel 4 that his life was restored when he lifted his eyes to heaven and recognised that God alone was sovereign.

Look at what Nebuchadnezzar says towards the end of Daniel 4:

At the end of the days I, Nebuchadnezzar, lifted my eyes to heaven, and my reason returned to me, and I blessed the Most High, and praised and honored him who lives forever, for his dominion is an everlasting dominion, and his kingdom endures from generation to generation; all the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing, and he does according to his will among the host of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth; and none can stay his hand or say to him, “What have you done?” – Daniel 4:34-35

When Nebuchadnezzar looked at himself, and down on others, his heart puffed up with  pride, which led to his destruction. But when he looked up to God and focused on his glory and greatness, his sanity and his kingdom were restored.

Again, Nebuchadnezzar is an example for us.

The key here is to be so consumed with the greatness of God that there is no room for pride in our lives. We must lift our eyes to recognize his greatness so that there is no room for us to mistakenly believe that we are God.

I indeed find that when my heart is most consumed with God’s greatness and glory, I fear others less and am less tempted to act in proudful ways.

But what does this mean for us in practice?

Very simply, it means spending time often with the Lord to read about and meditate on His glory. To see the glory of God in His word, so that our gaze is on Him.  And as we stare at God’s majesty, and his glory, and his might, so we are less inclined to demand that people serve and worship us. As we are consumed with how great he is, we are less likely to be deceived into thinking that we are his equal.

There are many passages in the Bible that we can meditate on to focus on the glory of God, to have our gaze focused on him.

So why not spend some time reading and meditating on Isaiah 40, or Job 38 and 39, or Psalm 8? Even better, why don’t you memorize parts of those passages so that you carry reminders of God’s glory with you throughout your day?

And as you focus on these verses and chapters, pray that your eyes would be continually opened to the greatness of God. Pray for God to reveal more of himself and his greatness to you in his Word.

2. Confess your sin. 

Second, to defeat pride in our lives, we should confess our sins to each other.  James 5:16 says, “confess your sins to one another that you might be healed.”

God commands this not because he wants us to go around being reminded of our sin all the time, but because, as we confess sin, we know more and more of God’s forgiveness (1 John 1). In addition to knowing God’s forgiveness, regular confession helps us grow in humility.

Proud people rarely confess their sins. Proud people always seek to blame others for the wrong that they do.

But confessing our sin is a key part of owning the truth that we are not God—that we are not sovereign—that we do not deserve to be worshipped and served, because we get it wrong. Often. Confessing sin is acknowledging to God and those around us that we are still works in progress. Instead of asking others to bow down to us, confession is when we bow down in brokenness before the Lord.

Confessing our sins to others means that we can stop pretending we have it all together. It means we can lower the mask of being better than we actually are. And by confessing, we can receive and experience God’s grace for our sin.

Being reminded often of the gospel is a wonderful antidote to pride. As Milton Vincent points out in his helpful book A Gospel Primer, the fact that the Son of God had to die for my sin doesn’t make me look good! It’s a humbling thought that it took the death of Jesus to deal with my sin. And seeing as the cross proclaims to the world the depth of my sin, and yet it also proclaims my forgiveness, I am saved from having to pretend I am better than I am.

A good question to ask here is, do you have a spiritually significant relationship within your church? Someone with whom you can confess your sin and be reminded of God’s grace regularly?

You don’t need to confess your sin to everyone, but are you confessing it to someone?

And remember that our confession should be honest and specific. That too grows us in our humility,  instead of glossing over our sin by using generalities, or minimizing it, we can honestly and openly confess all of it, knowing that it is all covered by Jesus’s blood.

Friend, pride flourishes in isolation. But open confession of sin grows us in humility, as we acknowledge our sin and are reminded of God’s grace.

If you don’t have anyone with whom you can do this, then pray that you will find someone in your church. You might even approach one of your pastors and ask if they know of someone you could meet with regularly to confess your sins, read Scripture, and encourage one another.

3. Reflect on Jesus’s humility

Next, to steer clear of pride, we can reflect on the humility of Jesus.

They say that those trained to spot counterfeit money don’t waste time studying forgeries. They’re not there to think about all the different variations of fake money. No, they spend their time studying the real deal. By knowing the genuine, authentic article, they are in the best place to spot frauds of all kinds.

I think the same dynamic is at play here. We could spend time looking at all the different types of pride. And there is some merit in that for sure. However, to cultivate humility, we can do no better than studying the real deal—and that’s Jesus. Jesus is the one who was genuinely and authentically humble above all others.

Yes, Jesus is our Savior; he is the one who can give us new hearts, and he is also our example. We are to follow him.

Peter says this about imitating Christ,

For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. 1 Peter 2:21-22

And Paul in Philippians 2 can tell us to have the same mindset as Jesus, specifically in his humility:

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. – Philippians 2:5-11

Jesus is our saviour and our example. He provides us with an example of humility to follow. In his life, death, and resurrection, he has shown us what a life of true humility looks like.

So, how do we reflect on Jesus’s humility?

One effective way to do this is to read through the gospel accounts, and as you do, consider how Jesus displays great humility. Consider how he gently and patiently deals with those around him. How the outcast and the socially excluded are not below his time and attention. How he gave up his preferences for rest and solitude to serve others. How he deals patiently with the disciples rather than speaking harshly to them.

Study Jesus and his humility. And pray that as you do so, your life would reflect your Saviour’s more and more. Pray that as you read, God would grow you in your Christ likeness. Pray the words of the great hymn from Kate Wilkinson:

May the mind of Christ, my Savior,live in me from day to day,by His love and pow’r controllingall I do and say.

4. Serve others quietly

Finally, one way to cultivate humility and steer clear of pride is to be intentional in serving others. And to do so in quiet, behind-the-scenes kinds of ways.

In the UK, there’s an acronym I recently learned from the students in our church: BNOC. It stands for Big Name on Campus. Basically, there are certain students on campus whom everyone knows. They’re on the sports teams and are also popular on the social scene. If you’re labelled a BNOC, you’ve basically made it.

However, that conversation with my students made me think of a different acronym. BNIH. Big Name in Heaven. I think there are people who aren’t known in this world, but that everyone in heaven talks about. They may be looked down upon by those who are popular in this life, but they serve the Lord faithfully.

Let me tell you about Ed. Ed was a member of our church for 60 years. From a worldly perspective, Ed was not remarkable. He was a quiet, unassuming man.

And week by week, he would stand outside our church, inviting people from the streets into our service. He would also often volunteer for the jobs in church that no one else would do, faithfully serving in a very unassuming way. I think of Ed as a BNIH. Someone that this world may not think much of, but heaven is cheering on.

Now again, we’re called to serve the Lord because he is worthy. However, when we’re intentional about serving others, we grow in our own humility. Instead of exalting ourselves and demanding to be served, as we intentionally seek to serve others (even if our hearts aren’t always there), we remind ourselves that we aren’t the center of the world. We remind ourselves of others and train our hearts to seek to serve and care for them.

And so it’s good to take stock here and consider how you are serving others. Are there ways in which you can seek to serve your church, particularly in unseen ways?

Perhaps it’s serving in the nursery or volunteering to clean the toilets. Maybe it’s seeing how you can bless a family or an individual who you know is going through a hard time. Giving up our time and resources to serve others is a wonderful way that we can grow in humility.

And actually, there is something extremely joyful in serving others, knowing that your Father in heaven is the only one who sees and that he is smiling.

Reflection Questions

1. How can the eyes of your heart be fuller with the glory of God?
2. Do you have someone in your church to whom you can confess your sins? If not, pray that the Lord would give you such a relationship with someone.
3. Think of 3 ways you can serve someone in your church ‘behind the scenes’ this week.

Conclusion

As we reach the end of this field guide, my prayer is that your heart has been stirred, not just with knowledge about pride and humility, but with a desire to be changed by the one who is making all things new.

Pride is subtle, persistent, and deceptive, but praise God, it is not stronger than His grace. Friend, Jesus came to die for the proud. He came to rescue us from our self-sufficiency, our self-glorification, and our self-dependence.

I hope you’ve seen that steering clear of pride isn’t just about changing your outward behaviour, but it’s about the transforming power of Jesus Christ working in us. First, he gives us new hearts through repentance and faith, and then he helps us as we seek to be intentional in rooting out all that is opposed to him in our lives. And he has promised to complete the work that he began in us until there is no more pride left.

We’ve considered how Christ humbled himself and then was exalted. And that is the pattern, too, for those who humble themselves under God’s mighty hand. Just as pride has both worldly and eternal consequences, so does humility.

Those who are humble in this life shine as they make much of God and reflect him. And it’s not only in this life that we see the consequences of humility. The promise that God gives in his Word is that the humble will be exalted in due time (Jas. 4:10). Humility gives glory to God—and results in receiving eternal glory from Him.

That is the path we’re invited to walk. It’s the path of blessing and joy.

It seems fitting to end this field guide with a prayer of another King—King David. In 1 Chronicles 29 we are at the end of King David’s reign. The people had assembled and contributed to the building of the temple. And at this point, David could well have been tempted to be proud. And yet he acknowledged that all the resources and willingness to build the temple came from God, not from himself or the people.

In this prayer, David emphasizes that everything belongs to God and that the people’s offerings are merely returning to God what is already his. Let’s give the last words to David.

Therefore David blessed the Lord in the presence of all the assembly. And David said: “Blessed are you, O Lord, the God of Israel our father, forever and ever. Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you are exalted as head above all. Both riches and honor come from you, and you rule over all. In your hand are power and might, and in your hand it is to make great and to give strength to all. And now we thank you, our God, and praise your glorious name. – 1 Chronicles 29:10-13.

About the Author

Jamie Southcombe is pastor at Grace Church in Guildford, England, where he and his wife, Gracie, live and raise their four children.

#54 Honest Living: Integrity in a Dishonest World

Part One: Honest God

“And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true; and we are in him who is true, in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life.”

1 John 5:20

The Bible speaks of a standard of truth that is synonymous with God himself. He not only is truthful, but he is the absolute truth. That is, he is the standard of reality. He is the true God in contrast to false idols. The way he designed the world in its detail is reality as opposed to any skewed perception we may have. He is the true and only living and reliable God. Jesus, “the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature” (Heb. 1:3), famously said, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me” (John 14:6). In other words, to be God is to be truth. Truth is to God as wet is to water, as heat is to fire, and as sticky is to glue. We cannot conceive of the one without the other as part of its definition. To be God is to be truth, truthful, and true. If any of us is concerned with God, then we ought to be concerned with the truth. If any of us claims to love Jesus, then we must also be lovers of truth. Our God and Redeemer is truth!

Scripture’s commands reflect this holy character of our God. Take any number of the 10 Commandments, for example, and you will see God’s justice, goodness, and purity. The commands are reflections of the absolute standard derived from the moral perfection and purity of God himself. One crucial scriptural command for our study reveals how God’s integrity is reflected in the truthfulness of His redeemed people. The ninth commandment says, “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor” (Ex. 20:16). Like specific genes are expressed in physical appearances, so God’s righteous character is expressed through his commands. Because God is truth, his commands are not arbitrary or misleading. If God be truth, it is no surprise that he etches truth into those redeemed and remade after the image of Jesus Christ. Lying is an abomination to God not only because it is rebellion against his command, but it also reflects the opposite of who he is (Prov. 12:22). Numbers 23:19 reinforces this idea: “God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind.”

This is excellent news. We have all experienced harm when friends, family, or a boss breaks their word. It can cause us to spiral down into doubt or discouragement. When words are broken, we may ask questions like ‘Does my spouse truly love me?’ ‘Does my boss mean that encouragement?’ ‘Do they actually think that?’ The reality is that our trust in someone depends, to some extent, on their track record of keeping their word. The absolute and unchanging God of truth can bear every ounce of our trust. Praise God whose truthful character flows into a blessed consistency in all that he says and does. That is why we must lean on him and his Word.

God’s Word is true

Because God is true, every word of his is true. No lie ever comes from his lips. This means we can trust the Bible, God’s word. In the Bible, God has revealed himself to us. He has also shown us how we might have our sins forgiven—by trusting in the finished work of Christ. That is why, by faith, Christians bow before God in humble trust to understand what he has said. For God’s words are salvation. Like Samuel in his calling, we say to the Lord, “Speak, for your servant hears” (1 Sam. 3:10). In our regeneration, the Holy Spirit turns on the lamp of our hearts and minds to see Scripture as it truly is, God’s own word (1 Thess. 2:13). Having received such a gracious work in our hearts, we go to our God, whose integrity pervades every syllable of his revelation. As the scriptures say, “God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?” (Num. 23:19). As the Psalmist praises, “The sum of your word is truth, and every one of your righteous rules endures forever.” (Ps. 119:160).

We can also thank God that he so generously and graciously reveals truth. Though creation itself proclaims the glory and power of God, our sin often taints this form of revelation into an intricate system of idolatry. We live in a fallen world that breeds lies that must be checked against the reality of God’s Word. He gave us the Old and New Testaments to see clearly, lest we fumble in the dark. His word is like a flashlight to shine on our path so that we may have confidence in each step until we reach glory. Before someone is committed to the truth, they must know where to find it. The Bible we hold in our hands is the true and truthful words of our true and truthful God. He will not deceive us. We can be sure that God has not uttered one false word. God’s people can cast their hope in his promises revealed in Scripture because God “never lies” (Titus 1:2).

Sanctification in the truth

The Bible we hold in our hands and store in our hearts is like an infrared scan that reveals where the truth lies. The more we steep ourselves in God’s truth, the more we can see the heat of truth amidst lifeless falsehood. This renewed scan of the world helps us sift through the good and the bad—the true and the false. We need our minds renewed by God’s word to discern “what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect” (Rom. 12:2). In fact, Christian maturity results from a long and steady journey in God’s truth, distinguishing “good from evil” (Heb. 5:14). As one theologian notes, “The Bible is a pure source of truth, like a fountain of pure water in a world where all other sources have been contaminated by harmful substances and the activity of corrupt humanity.” To live with Christian integrity, we must test everything by the standard of God’s trustworthy and transformative word.

Satan: The Father of Lies

If God is truth and his word is truth, then it is no surprise that Satan represents the opposite. Satan, as the enemy of God, stands in opposition to all truth and truth-telling. He is the father of lies, assailing God’s people with doubts about God and his word. He is the prince of the power of the air, making unbelievers live by his lies. Christians must not be naive to ignore or minimize this reality. The clash of spiritual warfare happens when Satan deceives and persuades people with lies, when he shrouds sin in temptation, or leads people into falsehood.

Don’t believe this? Look to the garden. Adam and Eve were in perfect bliss in the abundance of God’s creation. They enjoyed fellowship with God as they carried out the creation commands of fruitfulness, multiplication, and dominion. But Satan slithered in to attack Adam and Eve with a lie. He tempted them with a question: “Did God really say?” “If God were really good, he would have told you to take some of this fruit.” The question from Satan ultimately caused them to question if God was good. Satan presented God as a liar. He tempted Adam and Eve to doubt him and his Word. Satan’s schemes today are as old as the beginning of the world.

Or look to the early church. Paul takes the time to remind the Corinthian believers of this war with Satan when they were threatened with the false wisdom of the Sophists. No matter the bombast or eloquence, these false teachers were breathing out lies. Skilled in the art of persuasion, they attacked the wisdom of the cross (1 Cor. 1). But no matter how powerful the opponents may seem, Paul also reminds these believers of the weapon of truth. In another letter, he deals with the false teachers by reminding them: “For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ” (2 Cor. 10:4-5).

The dishonesty and vicious schemes of Satan ought to put us on guard. The Word of God and the Holy Spirit of God are the weapons of our warfare to fight the lies that assail us, either individually or corporately as a church. Satan wants us to believe lies and live by lies because it is consistent with his scheme of rebellion against God. Paul continues this concern, “But I am afraid that as the serpent deceived Eve by his cunning, your thoughts will be led astray from a sincere and pure devotion to Christ” (2 Cor. 11:3). Christian, take up the sword of truth to slay the lies of the Evil one. Your God is the true God and his words are true words. To live honestly in the world, you must come to him, the fountain of truth.

Discussion questions: 

1. What doubts do you have about who God says he is in the Bible?
2. What lies about God are you tempted to believe?
3. Are there influences in your life which tempt you to disbelieve God?
4. How have you grown in your confidence in God’s trustworthiness?

Part Two: Honest Gospel

“Now, where he speaketh of the truth of the Gospel, he sheweth that there be two gospels, a true and a false gospel. Indeed, the Gospel of itself is one, simple, true, and sincere: but by the malice of Satan’s ministers it is corrupt and defaced.”

-Martin Luther on Galatians 2:5

We were engulfed in falsehood and lies

Christians have an honest gospel. Before God showed us mercy, we were under the dominion of the kingdom of darkness (Col. 1:13). We were dead in our trespasses and sins, walking in the way of the Father of Lies. Falsehood was the natural fitness of each of us soiled with sin. It was natural for each of us to twist and turn information to our advantage. With each lie, we attempted to take the throne of God for ourselves. One writer notes, “More often, we turn all of our skills to the task of modifying, reinventing, and massaging the truth so that it’s no longer quite so threatening and may become rather more friendly to what we want. We may do this by adding to the truth or by subtracting from it, but the result is the same: that fatal fall into illusion that is one of the bleak bits of human corruption.” Every human born since the fall of Adam and Eve has an inherent inclination to lies and dishonesty. We participate in lies because we believe it will benefit us in some way.

Our gospel, unlike our corrupt hearts, is honest in that it speaks to the true condition of humanity. The message of the gospel is not that we need to improve the basic goodness in all of us. The gospel is not that we need to discover our own beauty or live true to ourselves. It is not even that there is a void of happiness that can only be filled with God (though true!). The gospel begins with bad news. God says in Romans 3:10-18:

“None is righteous, no, not one;

11  no one understands;

no one seeks for God.

12  All have turned aside; together they have become worthless;

no one does good,

not even one.

13  Their throat is an open grave;

they use their tongues to deceive.

The venom of asps is under their lips.

14  Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness.

15  Their feet are swift to shed blood;

16  in their paths are ruin and misery,

17  and the way of peace they have not known.

18  There is no fear of God before their eyes.”

Man’s condition is one tainted by all sorts of falsehood. The gospel is first a call to agree with this reality. Our good and holy God created us, but we have rebelled against him. Our holy God is so pure and perfect that he cannot even look on evil (Hab. 1:13). On the day of judgement, every person will give account of every careless word spoken (Matt. 12:36). Sin and its fruits are as evil as they are devastating. Our sin causes separation between us and God. The gospel acknowledges that we are sinners deserving of just and eternal punishment in hell for our sins.

God in the gospel is concerned about truth rather than popularity. That’s why it begins with such awful news about man’s condition—because it’s true. We are ruined sinners in desperate need of God’s grace. There is no good news without this bad news. But God can help us hold fast. The early church prayed for boldness amidst opposition in Acts. The same is needed for any opposition we might face. The Holy Spirit dwelling in us strengthens our commitment to uncompromising truth in our evangelism. Despite popular belief, the honest gospel begins with our lack of honesty and the eternal punishment it deserves. Christian, this was us before we met Jesus.

The work of Christ

While the bad news of our lie-spawning hearts is true, so is the good news of the one who was “full of grace and truth” (John 1:15). It was Jesus who spoke the truth and kept an unwavering commitment to truth on his lips and with his life. No lie or deceit can be found in his speech, but, as the perfect priest, “true instruction was in his mouth, and no wrong was found on his lips” (Mal. 2:6). Jesus came to reveal the truth, but also to live in accord with the truth as the sinless Son of God. From his birth, he told not a single lie, big or small. In his work, he cut no corners for wrongful gain. In his mission, he stayed on track with the task God assigned to him. All of this he did for the sake of his people.

But Jesus was not without opposition. Days after his baptism, the Holy Spirit led Jesus into the wilderness to engage in a war against Satan (Matt. 4). Stepping into the narrative, we can see the similarities to Israel’s wilderness journey, where they faltered under Satan’s temptations. Will Jesus waver from the truth like Israel had done? Satan tries to do what he does best—lie.

Satan uses three different temptations. Notice how the lie contains some truth. Satan twists scripture for his purposes. The first temptation (Matt. 4:3-4) was to doubt God’s goodness and provision. Jesus slays that lie by quoting Scripture back to him. The second temptation (Matt. 4:5-7) misused Psalm 91 to abuse God’s trustworthiness and protection. God indeed cares for those who trust in him. However, Satan took that as an opportunity to neglect other Scriptures. Jesus slays another lie by measuring Satan’s suggestion against other Scriptures. The third temptation (Matt. 4:8-10) presents a false way to glory. It was true that Jesus was on a messianic mission that included glory. Satan offers a shortcut if Jesus would give him the worship that God alone deserves. Jesus slays yet another lie with the truth of God’s word. Jesus conquered Satan by staying committed to the truth. He did this on behalf of his people.

Jesus maintained his integrity where everyone else failed. He upheld truth from the virgin womb of Mary to his death on the cross. Flawless both in his life and teaching, he went to the cross to die the death we deserve. Jesus was crucified for sinners, even the worst of liars, so that those who turn from sin and trust in him alone would have everlasting life. His truthful life becomes ours. Our lying life became his, and he suffered the curse as a result. Believers now rest in the righteousness of Jesus, who remained committed to the truth at the cost of his own life for our sake.

The Holy Spirit, who graced us with repentance and faith, also bears the name “Spirit of truth” (John 14:17). Jesus promised to send the Spirit of truth to dwell in his disciples that he may reveal the truth of Jesus and conform us to bear the image of Christ (1 Pet. 1:2). That’s why we, as believers, are counted righteous (justified) by the righteousness of Christ received by faith. We are also made righteous (sanctified), being renewed by the power of the Holy Spirit working in us unto glory. Though we lied, Jesus remained faithful. And he sends us a helper to walk in the way of truth in which he walked.

Personal Gospel Integrity

If the truth of the gospel is the freedom and salvation of the Christian, then it is no surprise that Satan would lob vicious attacks here. And the truth is that Satan doesn’t stop attacking us when we become believers. As we are singled out by our baptism as children and friends of God, we are also marked as enemies of the father of lies. We were co-conspirators with him, but now we have changed sides on the battlefield. We fight with Jesus. Though defeated by Jesus, Satan still prowls around seeking someone to devour (1 Pet. 5:8).

“Did God really say” Christ took your sins, and his perfect righteousness was made your own? Consider how you may strive to obey God, all the while wondering whether God even loves you at all. “Did God really say” that nothing can separate us from the love of Christ? Consider what makes you afraid in your walk with him. “Did God really say”, confess your sins to God, relying on Jesus for forgiveness? Consider what discourages you from approaching the throne of grace in prayer. “Did God really say”,  you are his child adopted in Jesus? Consider the ways we act as a stranger. “Did God really say”,  he is a father who knows what his children need and gives good gifts for our good and his glory? Consider the bitter thoughts we harbor when we do not get our way at our preferred time. Gospel integrity means upholding the truth of the gospel. We need to consider the question Paul posed in Galatians 3:3, “Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?”

Brothers and sisters, we need to soak ourselves in the gospel truth. Write down rich gospel texts to memorize and mull over throughout the day. Continually refresh yourself in the love of Christ for you. Consider seeking out another church member to study books on substitutionary atonement or discuss the truth of the gospel that you are struggling to believe. Self-salvation is the default sermon of fallen mankind. It can even come in religious forms that bear the name Christian. Take care to walk in the noonday sun of the gospel, and its light will expose anything that does not belong.

Corporate Gospel Integrity

The fight for integrity is not just an individual battle; it is a collective effort. In the opening chapter of Galatians, Paul begins with a heartfelt reminder of the church’s salvation in Christ. The complete salvation provided in Christ sets the tone of the entire book. But this tone, though full of praise, comes in a rebuke. Paul is in complete amazement that the Galatians have swerved from the truth of the gospel. He is clear—there is one gospel, and they have the responsibility to protect it. Paul asserts a standard that everyone’s teaching (even his own, though he is an apostle!) must be tested. It does not matter a teacher’s origin or status. The congregation must ask, does this person preach the gospel? If otherwise, God pronounces, “let him be accursed” (Gal. 1:9). If the Galatians or any local church would hold to their gospel integrity, they must first realize their divinely appointed responsibility to refuse teachers who teach something other than God’s Word. They are not to gather pearly, white-teethed comedians, rhetoricians, or ear-ticklers, but men of God who will preach to them the gospel with integrity (2 Tim. 4:3). Your local church, Christian, is a “pillar and buttress of the truth” (1 Tim. 3:15).

Pastors are likewise tasked to teach only what is true and right. They are stewards of the mysteries of God and ministers of the truth. Unlike false teachers, pastors do not pollute the word with their filth or twist the truth with their lusts. But like Paul, pastors minister “by truthful speech, and the power of God” to God’s people (2 Cor. 6:7). They are charged to preach the Word and not their own thoughts or worldly ambitions. “Able to teach” in 1 Timothy 3:3 does not merely mean the ability to communicate and influence a crowd. It also points to the accuracy of the pastor’s handling of God’s Word. A pastor’s commitment and ability to communicate the truth matters to God. That’s why you, Christian, should place yourself and your family under pastors who teach God’s Word faithfully.

False gospels abound in our day as much as they did in Paul’s. False gospels do not advertise themselves as such, but like off-brand soda at a store, closer attention will reveal that they are not the real thing. They may have many similarities, but their origin is from Satan and not God, no matter the Scripture they quote or the Christian T-shirt they wear. Remember, Satan can also quote Scripture. Are you committed to a church where the pastors and members hold to the gospel?

The gospel is of eternal importance, and its teaching must be treasured and defended. This good news is honest about the bad news so that the saving work of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit may shine all the brighter. The gospel is honest. Are we honest in the way we speak it to others?

Discussion Questions:

1. How does hearing from God that you are a sinner make you feel? Are you tempted to reject the bad news about your own sinfulness?
2. Take time to share with your mentor/mentee how you first came to believe the gospel of Jesus Christ.
3. How has having your sins forgiven changed your life?
4. Have you ever been tempted to tone down or outright lie to others about the gospel to be liked?

Part Three: Honest Life

“When there is no growth, there is no life.”

-Archibald Alexander

More than a change of behavior

When I was in college, I studied agronomy and soil sciences. I will never look at dirt the same way again. There is so much more to the ground than we might think. The forest floor fuels a lively ecosystem with dark organic matter from decomposed leaves, debris, and microbes we cannot see with our eyes. Those clumps of dirt I used to throw around as a kid now carry deeper meaning than ever before. That is often what happens in the Christian life. Once God floods his love into the soul of an unconverted sinner, there is more happening than meets the eye. The outward change and reform of behavior are evident, but something much deeper occurred. God forgives their sins through the blood of Jesus and renews their heart, establishing a life of increasing conformity to their Savior. The good soil of the forest produces rich vegetation. The Holy Spirit dwelling in a Christian produces good and honest fruit.

Honesty in the Christian life extends beyond our words. It is reflected by what we do. This should be no surprise after our study of God. If our triune God is truth, and he made us in his image, then we reflect him by walking in accord with the truth. Our sin marred this image. But Jesus came to save even the worst of liars. He died the death of liars so that his elect may have eternal life. He also sends the Holy Spirit to renew us and make us participants in the New Creation (2 Cor. 5:17). This renewal, as the new humanity in Christ, includes our commitment to the truth.

The reverse is true. The Bible has a category of people who speak the right words but live falsely in their lives. They may even say they are Christian and call out “Lord, Lord” with great emotion, but in the end, they will hear these words from God: “I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness” (Matt. 7:23). Or as it says in 1 John 4, “Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him.” They “swear by the name of the Lord and confess the God of Israel, but not in truth or right” (Is. 48:1). This is Grade A hypocrisy. From kindergarten, teachers try to instill this lesson in children. You may remember your teachers saying, “Character is what you do when no one is watching.” This is true before other humans. The saying speaks to a reality that your good character does not depend on whether or not others see it. Your good work is not a performance—it’s a reflection of your heart. Bad work is a form of deceit. It is dishonest. But as Christians, we know that no person escapes the sight of God. God cannot be deceived like your kindergarten class teacher, your parents, your friends, or your fellow church members.

The book of Titus repeats this concern. God’s elect have a “knowledge of the truth, which accords with godliness” (Titus 1:1). The truth we learn from God and receive with an honest heart produces a life committed to its implications. If we are God’s children, why live as strangers to God? That was not the case for those who were in Crete. Many who were with Titus professed the truth but denied it by their lives. God says of these people, “They profess to know God, but they deny him by their works. They are detestable, disobedient, unfit for any good work” (Titus 1:16). In other words, the people who carry the name of the Lord on their lips contradict their professions by pursuing evil. Their profession is untruthful.

This type of dishonest life often spreads in areas where cultural Christianity abounds, or where the definition of a Christian becomes muddled. When becoming a Christian means you participate in religious festivals, espouse relatively conservative ethical positions, have been baptized as many times as you have attended youth camp, and take the Lord’s Supper at least once a year at Christmas, it is no wonder hypocrisy abounds. Formalism can be practiced without love for Christ and in a pursuit of sin with a clear conscience. But this isn’t authentic Christianity. This false Christianity shows that its adherents do not know God in truth. These people’s works stand as evidence that they do not truly believe (James 2). The Christian is saved by faith alone, but that faith is never alone. God meets us where we are, but he never leaves us where we are. Though not saved by good fruit, a good root always produces good fruit. Those who are justified are sanctified (though not perfectly on this side of heaven).

Commitment to the truth in a cultural Christian environment may mean that you are considered puritanical if you insist on the biblical definition of a Christian. The examination begins with us. Are we really in the faith? Are you in the faith (2 Cor. 13:5)? This type of examination then moves to church membership. The church exercises the keys of the kingdom by admitting only believers to join their fellowship (Matt. 18:18). Are we born again? These are eternally important questions. Our honesty reveals whether or not we have truly grasped the truth in the first place (Heb 10:26).

Living honestly

Dishonesty in our lives can also manifest on a smaller scale. Growing up, you likely had a bedtime enforced by a parent. You can replay their voice in your head, “Alright. Lights out. It’s time to go to bed.” You pull the covers over your head and close your eyes until your parent walks out the door. The lights click, the room darkens, and you wait for the door to close. Then, you give a sigh of relief. “Phew! They are out of here.” Another click happens, and your bedside lamp pops on. The real party can now begin. The same childlike dishonesty happens in our adult lives. The coworker or boss walks out of the room, and we swipe right back to that social media page, wasting time while getting paid for our “work.” The teacher walks away, and our eyes linger on the test page across the row. It could even be our chameleon social skills. When we are out with coworkers, we act one way. When out with church friends, we act differently. Maybe our homelife is in shambles while we look put together by the time we reach the church parking lot.

Honesty can be challenged in many ways. Sometimes you are that one coworker or classmate who is a Christian. People know you as the “spiritual” one. You receive harmless jests and even take some jabbing questions, such as, “Do you really believe ____?” Perhaps others figure out a way to manipulate the system and deceive those in charge, whether teachers or bosses. Honesty here may mean respecting the goal of your authority and avoiding the deceitful ways of others. You may receive flak for not participating. Your commitment to the truth may mean paying a social cost.

At other times, the cost of an honest life could be giving up something good. At high school soccer practice, our team used to run laps around the long rectangular field for conditioning. The whole team would start running to the same spot, and the fastest runners usually received praise from the coach. They could win the coach’s favor and likely receive more playing time. Nothing is so tempting in that moment as cutting those sharp 90-degree corners that make you lose your speed and momentum. You can imagine that if you tracked the steps of the team, you’d conclude that a soccer field is one big giant oval. Corners can always be cut.

The temptation does not stop with high-school sports. The temptation is also there to cut corners in the office. The compromiser of truth might get the smile of their boss. Honest work might mean you miss a promotion while others move up the ladder. Or maybe the board of trustees wants you to do something shady to “save” the business. You comply or resign. Honesty means you remain committed to the truth that “no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account” (Heb. 4:13). God sees and cares. An honest life in this dishonest world may mean you give up gain.

The cost of an honest life could be your life. In parts of the world that are hostile to Christianity, many Christians are forbidden to meet as a church. They must meet “underground” or in secret to stir one another up as a church according to the command of God (Heb. 10:24-25). Simply singing or praying loudly may wake up the neighbors and bring persecution. Their phones could be tapped only to reveal the meeting place for their arrest. What is even more confusing for the national believers is that expats may encourage them to commit syncretism to avoid persecution. An honest life here does not mean to renounce all wisdom and prudence. It does mean a life devoted to the truth of Jesus’ words: “any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple” (Lk. 14:33). Pray for those to have wisdom and courage amidst such opposition.

Remember, all Jesus had to do was compromise truth for ease, but he endured temptation with flawless obedience (Heb. 4:15). All Paul had to do was succumb to the fear of man and receive acceptance from the Judaizers, but his aim was the approval of God over man (Gal. 1:11). Living lives committed to the truth may cost your social/vocational status, your home, imprisonment, or even death. But we must look to Jesus and those who endured before us for strength: “In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood” (Heb. 12:4). Honest living in a dishonest world comes at a cost. Are you willing to pay?

Discussion Questions: 

1. In what ways are you tempted to be dishonest at home? At work? With your friends?
2. Have you ever had to pay a cost for the truth? If so, what was that like? Do you regret it?
3. What examples of honesty are in your life? How might you learn from them?

Part Four: Honest Speech

When thinking of honesty, most people think of speech. Are your words honest? That is, do you speak what is true? Let’s go back to the Ten Commandments, a summary of our love for God and our neighbor. These commands reveal the nature of God and what he requires of us, his image bearers. The 9th commandment particularly shows us that God is the God of truth. If God is truth, then his people are called to truthfulness. His people follow and promote the truth with their speech. The command “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor” applies particularly in a court setting, but it also applies generally to all truth vs. falsehood (Ex. 20:16). In the 17th Century, pastors and theologians gathered in meditation on this command to consider how they should pass the teaching down for future generations. The result was the Westminster Larger Catechism Question 144. They wrote:

“The duties required in the ninth commandment are, the preserving and promoting of truth between man and man, and the good name of our neighbor, as well as our own: appearing and standing for the truth; and from the heart, sincerely, freely, clearly, and fully, speaking the truth, and only the truth, in matters of judgment and justice, and in all other things whatsoever; a charitable esteem of our neighbors; loving, desiring, and rejoicing in their good name; sorrowing for, and covering of their infirmities; freely acknowledging of their gifts and graces, defending their innocency; a ready receiving of good report, and unwillingness to admit of an evil report, concerning them; discouraging tale-bearers, flatterers, and slanderers; love and care of our own good name, and defending it when need requireth; keeping of lawful promises; study and practising of whatsoever things are true, honest, lovely, and of good report.”

Convicting? Yes. Peaceful? Absolutely. We can only imagine a world that follows such a beautiful description of truthfulness. The sinful world we live in makes this an alien aspiration. Only consider the judicial courts acting in this way. Consider the ease of scrolling through modern-day media and not having to sift through falsehoods, half-truths, or slander. Consider a church with no sheep-like wolves leading those under them to their dinner plate. Can you only imagine?

Of all places in the world, the local church ought to be where such honesty exists. As participants in the New Creation, a church is where truth is loved, strived after, and promoted. Paul goes so far as to associate lies with our old selves, that is, our spiritually dead life before Christ shed his love in our hearts. He says in Colossians 3:9, “Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices.” Or similarly in Ephesians 4:25, “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.” Born sinners in Adam, lying comes as naturally to us as our breathing. Born again in Christ, our lies are crucified with the old man. As believers put off their old self and put on Christ, they put off falsehood and put on truthfulness.

Confessing sin

As already mentioned, the gospel is honest about our sin. In turn, we should be honest about our sins with other believers. Scripture calls this walking “in the light,” and it is part of our fellowship with one another (1 John 1:7). We are commanded elsewhere to confess our sins to “one another” (James 5:16). This comes as part of our life in a local church. Membership in a local church means opening up your life to nosy questions offered by those who genuinely love you and want you to grow in your walk with Christ. Often, this takes the form of accountability relationships with a few brothers or sisters in Christ. Christians do not act as if they have everything together, but need forgiveness and the prayers of their people to look more like Jesus. Rather than covering up our sins like the world, the church is a place where sins are openly confessed. A good question to ask at the end of your time together is: “Have you lied about anything today? Is there any sin you sugar-coated?” Questions like these encourage honesty.

Lying to the Holy Spirit

When we lie, that is, speak what is untrue to people whom it is their due, we lie not just to man, but to God. Acts 5 describes the seriousness of lying in the case of Ananias and Sapphira. In a time of overwhelming generosity among early Christians, a couple decided to put on a show of their “giving.” They claimed that they had been so sacrificial that they liquidated an entire piece of property to give to the church. But God knew what was going on. Their sin was not in holding back some of their private property, but in lying about how much they were giving. God exposed them through Peter by saying they were co-conspirators with Satan and were guilty of lying to the Holy Spirit. Ananias and Sapphira do not serve as a radical example of generosity, but rather as a sober warning of the works of Satan and the severity of lying.

Every careless word spoken will be brought before the judgment seat of God on a scale of precise justice like we have never seen before in this fallen world (Matt. 12:36). What we say matters. A dishonest world makes light of what God deems heavy. Of the sins God abominates in Proverbs 6:16-19, lying makes up two! Consider what else Solomon writes on the topic of lying:

Proverbs 10:18: The one who conceals hatred has lying lips,

and whoever utters slander is a fool.

Proverbs 14:5: A faithful witness does not lie,

but a false witness breathes out lies.

Proverbs 12:19: Truthful lips endure forever,

but a lying tongue is but for a moment.

Proverbs 12:22 Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord,

but those who act faithfully are his delight.

Proverbs 21:26: The getting of treasures by a lying tongue

is a fleeting vapor and a snare of death.

Proverbs 26:28: A lying tongue hates its victims,

and a flattering mouth works ruin.

Whether a lie, slander, false witness, flattery, or fake promises, all reflect a dishonesty in direct opposition to truth. A right fear of the Lord, as Proverbs 8:13 asserts, is a hatred of all evil, even our untruthful speech.

We would be incorrect to only look at the words we say. Jesus takes us deeper. He makes us look at our hearts. “For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks” (Matt. 12:34b). So, the lies we tell can teach us our heart troubles. When we are jealous of another, we make up accusations or rumors to disparage them. When we want to be seen as faithful church members, we play down the graces of others with a competitive spirit. When a respected person walks into the room, we kiss their feet with praise regardless of what sincerity demands. We make promises we have no intention or ability to perform in order to be seen as a kind person. We make up stories in our past to receive the praise, respect, or laughs of others. What heart sins are tempting you to lie?

Discussion Questions:

1. Have you ever been caught in a lie? Share the story with your mentor/mentee. What lessons did you learn about the cost of dishonesty? /
2. What areas of your life are you most tempted to lie about?
3. Do you have people in your life who challenge your narratives? Who you confess sin to? Who challenge you to be honest with them and with God?
4. How does your church encourage honest living?
5. What are the benefits of living honestly?

Conclusion

I hope that this study helped you weigh your life with God’s standard of honesty and cling to the Lord Jesus Christ, the all-sufficient Savior. One theologian reflects,

“As witness, Jesus Christ is, literally, martyr: his life and existence, his word and work

are a pointing to, an indication of, the truth. He is simply and completely his testimony to what is really the case. He makes no compromises and undertakes no evasions. He does say what is not, and he does not fail to say what is. He is, as John’s Gospel puts it, “full of … truth” (John 1:14). And his witness is faithful—that is, his witness is persistent, unhesitating, reliable, and permanent. His truthfulness is utterly durable; it doesn’t break down under the temptation to make a truce with lies or half-truth. It simply says what is, and acts in accordance with what is, and so rejects.”

Truth is not a hot commodity in our world. Rather than being seen as a treasure, sinners try to mold the truth like wet clay on a pottery wheel. But the truth is as unchangeable as God is unchangeable. Truth demands our allegiance as it comes from the God of truth. Truth shines in the face of Jesus Christ in the gospel. Paul exemplifies this reality at the close of his letter in 2 Corinthians 13:8. Christians walking in a clear conscience ought to be like those who “cannot do anything against the truth, but only for the truth.” Does this describe you?

If not, remember the truth of the gospel: that Jesus died on behalf of his lying people, taking the punishment their lies deserve. He is truth. He acted with the truth. He told the truth. He never compromised in our compromising world. Jesus lived flawlessly on our behalf in accord with and in unwavering commitment to the truth. This Jesus is our righteousness, received by faith alone. By his blood, all the lies of his people are forgiven. By the power of the resurrection and the Holy Spirit, he empowers us to walk in commitment to the truth against the grain of the present evil age, even at the cost of our lives. If you are not a Christian, consider the lies you have told and the way you fall short of God’s standard of holiness. Turn from your sin and place your faith in Christ alone to save you from your sins and the day of wrath when Christ returns in his glory.

About the Author

#50 Guarding Your Heart: Protecting Your Soul in a Tempting World

Part I: Incline Your Ear

“My son, be attentive to my words; incline your ear to my sayings.” – Proverbs 4:20

The meaning of the word “incline” may not immediately register with you. The word simply means to stretch out, spread out, extend, or bend your ear to receive what is being shared. What should we be inclined to hear? God’s words. The words which Solomon will share are from the Creator of the Universe. Yet, we all recognize there are plenty of ways our ear can be bent in other directions.

Do You Find It Hard to Focus?

The world is full of distractions. I am often distracted by text messages, emails, and phone calls. It seems as if there is a constant tug of war going on within us as all kinds of things vie for our attention. Even when every precaution has been taken to help us maintain focus, another competing thought or distraction is ready to take over in a split second. The temptations come in all shapes and sizes, and from every direction imaginable.

The barrage of thoughts that can take away our focus is formidable, even overwhelming at times. It not only includes temptations to sin, but also many other thoughts that can keep us lost in our minds. It can be a frightful exercise to retrace our thoughts to figure out how we got to whatever has currently captured our attention. This thought leads to that thought, which brings up that past experience, or this consideration for the future.

As our focus shifts from one thing to the next the level of complexity grows. Our emotions are affected, which triggers our will to do something about this change in feelings. Then you throw in recent interactions with other people and all bets are off. Before you know it your time in God’s Word with your favorite cup of coffee is invaded by frustrations over a comment from someone the day before. How in the world did you become distracted by that when you were in the middle of your quiet time?

The list of causes seem to be endless. Now, the reality is that each of our minds work differently. We have all trained our minds to shift from one thing to the next. Amid the distractionds, we also must recognize that we are in the midst of a spiritual battle. There is no way for us to know what all is being aimed at us, to knock us off course or to distract us from focusing on the Lord.

One of the images that comes to my mind periodically is the “flaming darts of the evil one” that we need the shield of faith to extinguish (Ephesians 6:16). The shape which “flaming darts” take are many. It can come as a feeling of deep frustration or shame over a recent conversation with your spouse which did not go as you expected. It could be an interaction with one of your kids that you keep mulling over and wondering how things could have turned out better. There may be an unresolved issue with someone from church or work that has been difficult to stop thinking about.

So, we bring our plight before Almighty God and plead for His ear and His grace to impact our focus. As David says in Psalm 86:1-6, “Incline your ear, O Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Preserve my life, for I am godly; save your servant, who trusts in you – you are my God. Be gracious to me, O Lord, for to you do I cry all the day. Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul. For you, O Lod, are good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you. Give ear, O Lord, to my prayer; listen to my plea for grace.”

What Has Your Attention?

In his book, Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life, Donald Whitney says, “And in my own pastoral and personal Christian experience, I can say that I’ve never known a man or woman who came to spiritual maturity except through discipline. Godliness comes through discipline.”

One of the main Scriptures highlighted in the book is “train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come” (1 Timothy 4:7b-8). Yet, we fully realize training and disciplining ourselves will not happen naturally as even the desire to do so must come from the Lord.

One of the guys I have met with for discipleship expressed surprise at how I wanted to go about our meetings. He started with an openness to meet weekly for reading and discussing the Bible, along with praying for the Lord to lead us in applying his Word to our lives. However, after taking some time to get to know one another he readily admitted he tended to be all over the place, moving from one task or situation to another rather quickly. As a single dad, small business owner, and someone who’s attention typically jumped around, consistent Bible reading and prayer had always been a struggle.

Our initial attempts at some type of structure for our time together began with him saying, “Well, just so you know, I’ve never been able to follow a Bible reading plan or stay consistent in reading and praying.” I challenged him to just try and find one thing from God’s Word to bring to our discussion each week.

A few weeks of meeting went by and, interestingly enough, he had had something to share every time. After more time transpired, my friend became struck at just how relevant God’s Word was to his life.

Do you currently feel like my friend felt at the beginning of our meeting together to study God’s Word? Does it seem like you are simply too distracted to give time to God’s Word and prayer?  Let me encourage you to consider inviting someone into your life to help you grow more consistent in reading and praying. Maybe choose a strategy like me and my friend chose where you meet weekly to discuss one observation from God’s Word that stood out to you that week. You may even begin by committing to one fifteen-minute phone call per week where all you do is share prayer requests and pray together. Start small and grow as you go.

Who are You Listening to?

The sheer number of voices that seek influence over us is staggering. They come from countless directions and can be called upon instantly any day or hour via mediums such as social media. And there is the potential with any of them to either stoke or dampen our affections for the Lord. Jonathan Edwards once observed that the Christian’s joy is twofold: first, it comes from the “from the view of Christ’s excellency, and the excellency of His grace and the beauty of the way of salvation in Him.” Secondly, the Christian’s joy springs from the fact that “so excellent a Saviour and such excellent grace are theirs.”

Is this your joy today? Joy in Christ and over the fact that he is yours by faith? If not, how have distractions from other “influencers” choked out your joy in Christ? Following Jesus isn’t just about focusing on him but also delighting in him. When we are distracted, our delight is often diminished.

Here’s how Kris Lundgaard in his book, The Enemy Within, describes this challenge: “When the mind wants to know God, the flesh imposes ignorance, darkness, error, and trivial thoughts. The will can’t move toward God without feeling the weight of stubbornness holding it back. And the affections, longing to long for God, are constantly fighting the infection of sensuality or the disease of indifference.”

Is it any wonder why the apostle Paul speaks of “taking every thought captive to obey Christ,” given the kind of warfare each of us faces (2 Corinthians 10:5)? How grateful we should be that our Good Shepherd, “came to give us life and life abundantly” as we “hear His voice, trusting He knows us, so we can follow Him” despite what opposes us (John 10:10, 27).

Our need for being discerning with who we listen to is compounded as we factor in family relationships and other people we regularly communicate with. It takes wisdom from the Lord to know who we should allow to speak into our lives. We also need wisdom to know discern who God has brought into our life in order that we may speak into theirs.

The threats come from near and far. If you were to make a list of all the voices you regularly consume through videos, podcasts, books, and and social media, how would you rate the degree of influence each has on you? Even if you only have it on for background noise or to pass the time while you’re driving, add them to the list in order to get a full scope of your typical diet. Do these influences help you love Jesus more or do they distract you from him? That may be a good question to ask the person you’re going through this Field Guide with.

Discussion & Reflection

1. In what ways do you find it hard to focus? What impact does this have on inclining your ear to the Lord?
2. Is there anything you are giving your attention to that you need to reconsider? Is there anything that has been particularly edifying to which you need to give more attention?
3. How is who you are listening to an encouragement toward greater Christlikeness?

Part II: Store in your heart

“Let them not escape from your sight; keep them within your heart. For they are life to those who find them, and healing to all their flesh.” – Proverbs 4:21-22

The Scriptures paint a picture of our hearts as a repository where many different things can be kept. Even things that can be diametrically at odds can be housed and allowed to affect us in contrasting ways. In this section we will look at a few of the descriptions of the heart from God’s Word and how they impact how we guard it.

The Tablet of Your Heart

Aside from the digital use of the word tablet, biblically speaking the word reminds us of the Ten Commandments that were given to Moses. Exodus 24:12 says, “The Lord said to Moses, “Come up to me on the mountain and wait there, that I may give you the tablets of stone, with the law and the commandment, which I have written for their instruction.” These commands that were written with the very finger of God were to be obeyed and followed by God’s people. God’s people were not to forget his Word to them but instead keep what they had been told.

Solomon picks up on this imagery in Proverbs 3:3 when he says, “Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart.” He reiterates it again in Proverbs 7:2-3, “keep my commandments and live; keep my teaching as the apple of your eye; bind them on your fingers; write them on the tablet of your heart.” In doing so, Israel would ensure that what God said would always be with them.

However, we also learn over and over from Israel’s example that just God’s Word being with them did not guarantee they would do what was right. In fact, the Lord establishes an entire sacrificial system to cover over the countless ways his people strayed from his Word. Though they had God’s Word, their hearts were made of stone.

That’s where God’s miraculous promise comes into play. In Ezekiel 36:26-27, God told his people, “And I will give you a new heart and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.” These words strike at the heart of the gospel as Jesus resolutely heads to the cross as the final sacrifice to pay for our sins. In doing so, the Father promises to send the Holy Spirit to dwell within every Christian, making their hearts of flesh—hearts which have God’s Word written on them.

In his book, The Rule of Love, Jonathan Leeman explains the miraculous difference this transformation makes. He writes, “Apart from God’s Spirit, of course, God’s law does not have the power to change us. Yet, by God’s Spirit, loving God means loving his law, since it expresses his character, And such love, by the power of God’s Spirit, becomes generative in our lives. We grow and expand and become larger as we begin to mimic God. We internalize God’s way of being, God’s nature, God’s rule, his character. As such, we then become like that fruitful tree, blessing those around us.”

The Treasure of Your Heart

Another description of our hearts that can double as both the action of gathering, and the object stored away is the treasure found within. The word treasure is also used in conjunction with what you and I pile up either here on earth or in heaven. As one of many facets of Jesus’ teaching on the Sermon on the Mount he instructs the crowd to “lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal (Matthew 6:20).” Then, he draws a correlation between where our treasure is stored and where are heart’s affections lie.

So, let’s consider where our treasures are stored. Consider that which you’ve been laboring for all piled up in one location. Now ask yourself: are your piles more suited for heaven or earth? Are your treasures spiritual (i.e., growth in grace and godliness) or temporal (material)? What do the piles look like in proportion to one another? As you seek to guard your heart, you should want your heavenly treasure pile to grow such that it significantly outsizes whatever worldly gains you attain.

Not only do we have ample space for storage outside us, there is also a deep well within us that affects our outward actions. Solomon writes:

My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom from his mouth come knowledge and understanding; he stores up sound wisdom for the upright (Proverbs 2:1-7a).

What does it look like to store up within according to Solomon?

1. Receive God’s Word
2. Listen for wisdom and understanding
3. Ask for insight and understanding
4. Seek it like silver and search for it as hidden treasure
5. For the Lord gives and stores up sound wisdom for his children

May this be our prayer today, “Heavenly Father, thank you for being a generous God who stores up wisdom for his children. Forgive us for not seeking it with all diligence. Help us to listen and ask for insight and understanding with greater conviction and desire. In Jesus Name, Amen.”

The Desires of Your Heart

Years ago, one of the men I was investing in was facing the loss of his mom at a relatively young age. It caused him to reevaluate how he had followed Christ to that point in his life. He knew the Lord and was a faithful member of our church. However, he sensed his desires shifting from what he historically found himself longing for. The more time we spent in the Scriptures together the more our conversations began to change.

Early on he thought he had gone far enough spiritually. After all, his commitment to read and pray and discuss the Word seemed like plenty. However, as our time together wore on, there was one dialogue among several others that was particularly memorable. In it he recounted how he used to think in terms of himself having given the Lord what he needed to in order to be faithful to Him.

Yet, as God’s Word increasingly penetrated his heart and the Spirit used our time together to help each of us grow in Christ, what he wanted out of life was clearly changing. The days of a more transactional relationship with the Lord were waning. And thoughts of going further with him were no longer viewed as too great an expectation. Instead, slowly over time the desires of his heart were being changed. He wanted more and more pleasure in God.

It was a real-life example of John 15:7-8 being lived out. “If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples.” As he abided in the Lord and God’s Word abided in him more richly, the desires of his heart were shifting. This was indeed worth rejoicing over as we also witnessed Paul’s words coming to pass as well. “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:7).”

What’s stored in our hearts has a direct impact on our daily lives both now and for eternity. May our days be more filled with following his desires and not our own.

Discussion & Reflection

1. What is the Lord writing on the tablet of your heart currently?
2. Which aspect of Psalm 2:1-7a are you most in need of seeing growth? And why?
3. How has abiding in Christ impacted the desires of your heart?

Part III: Guard Your Mouth

“Put away from you crooked speech and put devious talk far from you.” – Proverbs 4:24

When was the last time you said something and as soon as the words left your mouth you were immediately looking for ways to shove them back in? Maybe it was a sarcastic comment that came out with quite a bit more edge and bite to it than you anticipated. Possibly there was a hard conversation you were putting off that resulted in underlying tension that came out sideways and made matters worse. Or maybe you’re like me and sometimes speak carelessly instead of carefully. How can we grow in speaking God’s words to our delight instead of speaking our words to our regret?

What You Say

If there was one part of this field guide that we are more susceptible to thinking we can control solely with more intentional effort speech is probably it. I mean how hard can it be to follow our parents’ advice, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it.” Well, as we’ve all realized, it’s harder than we originally thought.

On the surface it appears so easy to abide by the apostle Paul’s instructions. “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear (Ephesians 4:29).” Got it. Say what’s good for building others up. Don’t say what can corrupt. Simply as that.

Yet, we’ve all been there when simply trying harder wasn’t enough. Crooked speech still slips out. As one man I know lamented, “My mouth gets me into more trouble than practically all my other body parts combined.”

This is where we recognize that all the moralistic actions we can muster to secure a solid perimeter around our heart will not cut it. So, we back up to consider the gospel as the foundation from which Paul calls us to obey such commands. Here’s part of his prayers for the Ephesian church:

“Having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might that he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places (Ephesians 1:18-20).”

The immeasurable greatness of God’s power, the same great might that raised Jesus from the dead, resides within every believer to accomplish his will and work through their lives. This includes praying for God’s wisdom and strength for what you and I are to say to build others up and not to tear others down.

How You Say It

If only we could move on from guarding our mouth and call it a day. Unfortunately, it may have only taken the subheading above to remind us of another classic platitude lingering in the back of our minds. “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.”

How different life would be if this described our natural disposition: “The heart of the wise makes his speech judicious and adds persuasiveness to his lips. Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body (Proverbs 16:23-24).”

Yet, even when we don’t mean to, how we talk to others can resemble these much tougher words. “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts,” instead of the corresponding, “but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Proverbs 12:18).”

It reminds me of a marriage workshop my wife and I attended. The well-known speaker was illustrating his point with a recent interaction that had transpired between him and his wife. Her feedback to him was on how he had shared his comments during the conversation in question.

At first, he wasn’t coming close to realizing how she perceived him in his comments. So, he wanted some audience participation to illustrate the discrepancy. At that point he began to roleplay their dialogue and when he got to the comments that were being refuted, he asked for our input on how his tone seemed to us.

The second he tried to use the same tone he had used with her, everyone in attendance let out a collective gasp at the intensity of his words. Then, with considerable humility he shared how eye opening this was for him in not recognizing how he was coming across to his beloved bride.

How often are our intentions with our words lost because of our tone? Have you said something in the wrong way and caused grief to your spouse, kids, extended family, co-workers, friends, and neighbors? May the Lord give each of us greater insight into the intent and impact of our words so that we can build up rather than tear down.

When You Say It

On which end of the continuum do you tend to lean given the following extremes: being way too passive and waiting too long to say what needs said? Do you almost never speak up or do you regularly jump the gun and blurting words out prematurely?

Knowing your tendencies is something helpful to discuss with others for encouragement and feedback. On one end we can see the invaluable wisdom from James 1:19-20, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Speaking too quickly can be a sign of anger, as well as selfishness, lack of self-control, or too little compassion for the one to whom we are speaking.

On the other hand, Proverbs 25:11 says, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.” This wise saying highlights the value and impact of words spoken at the right time and in the right way.

What practical steps would the Lord have you take to speak the right thing at the right time? Is it exercising greater assertiveness as you ask him for boldness, courage, and confidence in Christ to speak up when the Spirit leads you to? Or is it exhibiting increased patience and love for the person to whom you are speaking; praying for the Spirit’s help in being quick to listen and slow to speak as you improve in allowing others to talk before you? Whichever it is for you, may the Lord continue his great work within you as He molds and shapes you more and more into the image of Christ.

To Whom Do You Say It

Can you believe how hard it is at times to avoid gossip? If you’re like me, it can be so tempting to tell other people things that really, they shouldn’t know, and I definitely shouldn’t say.

And we can be so resourceful in coming up with a myriad of reasons why this person must be told what we know. It can be couched in terms of our need to vent, or our need for moral support and encouragement. We can even justify gossip by hiding it under the guise of prayer when the real reason is much less honorable.

The Scriptures are replete with warnings regarding the power of the tongue and with strong commands against unwholesome speech. Yet, the temptation of gossip or slander can simply overcome us periodically. It’s in those moments that we recognize that it’s true, “The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels; they go down to the inner parts of the body (Proverbs 18:8.”

We also realize that no matter how hard we try we, in our own strength we are powerless to control our tongues. “But no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so (James 3:8-10).”

As a result, let’s face it, none of us walks this out perfectly before the Lord. So, how do we grow in wisdom and strength in this area of our lives? Here are three ways to consider:

1. Seek the good of others. Pray before you speak. Ask for the Lord’s insight into whether what you’re about to say or to whom you’re about to say it will be for their good.
2. Ask, “Can the person help?” I remember a mentor of mine asking me, “Can the person you are considering speaking with do anything about the situation?” That question stopped me dead in my tracks. In that situation the answer was no. And keeping the question in mind has proved to be helpful on several other occasions since then.
3. Consider your motivations. As James 3:13-18 describes, is the wisdom I am seeking from another born out of desiring wisdom from above or from below? Does it come from jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart or from the Spirit’s leading toward being impartial and sincere and seeking peace?

Discussion & Reflection

1. How are you most in need of asking for the Lord’s help in watching what you say?
2. Are you more soft spoken or loud? How do you need to lean into this to better communicate with others?
3. How does being intentional about guarding your mouth impact when you say things?
4. In what way are you most in need of watching to whom you say things?

Part IV: Guard Your Eyes

“Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you.” – Proverbs 4:25

Well, I’m guessing you knew it was coming eventually. Any discussion about protecting our souls in a tempting world would have to address our eyes at some point. So, let’s forge ahead together, knowing when it comes to temptation this is an area in which we all struggle in various ways and to varying degrees.

Looking Back

We must first recognize that looking back is not all bad. Harkening back to the introduction, when it comes to setting a perimeter for security and protection it would be foolish to not keep a constant look out behind us. There is also a consistent theme throughout the Scriptures to remember what God has done in the past. As Psalm 143:5 says, “I remember the days of old; I meditate on all that you have done; I ponder the work of your hands.”

And yet, one temptation is to look back at days gone by and see them through rose colored glasses. Have you ever caught yourself thinking life would be better if you could go back there and recreate those days? “Now the rabble that was among them had a strong craving. And the people of Israel also wept again and said, “Oh that we had meat to eat! We remember the fish we ate in Egypt that cost us nothing… But now our strength is dried up, and there is nothing at all but this manna to look at (Numbers 11:4-5.” Never mind the fact they were in bondage and God was faithfully providing for them daily as Moses led them to the promised land. Yet, oh how we can fall into the same trap.

Another source of enticement in letting our eyes gaze into the past is with a longing for relationships that we have enjoyed previously. This can include more overtly sinful steps such as searching for a high school sweetheart that we are curious about even though we are married. It may also look like comparing old friends with current ones to the point of becoming discontent with who God has put in your life in this season.

Maintaining relationships with friends and brothers and sisters in Christ from prior days can be fruitful. However, if that’s where we stay it can also be harmful. How? Well, for one, looking back can keep us from helping other people grow in Christ now and looking for opportunities the Lord is giving us to mentor others in the future. In talking with a guy about discipleship recently, he lamented the fact that all his friends were still from high school. And now that he was in his forties, it was painfully obvious that he had not engaged as a meaningful member of his local church since then.

Looking back can seem beneficial and healthy, but if it keeps you and I from having an eye to make disciples now and into the future it will be eternally costly.

Looking Around

Like looking back is important, so is looking around. The reason looking around matters is because threats surround us. In our main passage from Proverbs, Solomon’s instructions involve the path of the righteous (Proverbs 4:18) contrasted with the way of the wicked (Proverbs 4:19). One is compared to the light of dawn and the other like deep darkness. One is set out straight before us and the other takes us down alternative paths.

And as we know from learning to ride a bike or drive a car, wherever our eyes are looking is the direction we will start traveling. This can be a positive when we are seeking to be used by the Lord in different places or in the lives of different people. But if it’s simply to look around without intention of guarding our hearts there are countless other things that can catch our eye. The physical world around us and the online world that’s always available to us provide unlimited spiritual dangers. We are predisposed as sinful beings to desire that which is dangerous. For James 1:14-15 says, “But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.”

Years ago, I was witnessing to a friend of mine. His name was Steve, and he ran a small family manufacturing business. Our conversations covered a range of topics from business, to his family, and various spiritual questions he would bring up for us to discuss. Over time our relationship grew to the point that he wanted to talk about certain challenges he was facing. One of the primary struggles that haunted him was a long battle he fought with an addiction to pornography.

He desperately wanted to be free of the control and influence it had in his life and yet he felt powerless to resist the grip it had on him. During one of our talks, he made a comment that has stuck with me years later. He said, “I don’t fully understand why I keep going back to something I know full well is so destructive. However, I can tell you is this… I have done this long enough to know that when I sit down in front of my computer and click on things that I know are wrong, I can physically sense the presence of evil behind the screen.”

Are you caught in something you know to be evil? If so, confess that to the Lord. Tell your mentor. Ask for accountability. By God’s grace, the bondage you experience can be broken because of what Jesus accomplished on Calvary.

Looking Forward

So, how do we fortify our defense forces in the area of vision? First, let us all be reminded of how susceptible we are to fall to what we see. Jesus said in Luke 11:34-36:

Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eye is healthy, your whole body is full of light, but when it is bad, your body is full of darkness. Therefore be careful lest the light in you be darkness. If then your whole body is full of light, having no part dark, it will be wholly bright, as when a lamp with its rays gives you light.

Second, assess how careful you’ve been to guard your vision lately.  Are there any ways you have been lax in protecting the lamp of your body? Has darkness commandeered any parts of your heart?

Third, pray specifically for the Lord to guide and guard your eyes. “Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways (Psalm 119:37).”

Fourth, open the door for confession, repentance, and strength with a key person or people the Lord has brought into your life for mutual support and encouragement.

Although, conversations about guarding our eyes can be awkward and uncomfortable, being reminded that you are not in this battle alone is more than worth it. If this is an area of your life that you and your mentor already discuss periodically, praise God. If not, make a point to bring it up soon knowing you have much to gain by doing so.

Discussion & Reflection

1. How are you tempted to look back in unhealthy ways?
2. How can you be praying for one another when it comes to the temptation of looking around?
3. What has the Lord put before you to look directly forward to? How can you encourage one another in doing so?

Part V: Ponder Your Path

“Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure. Do not swerve to the right or to the left; turn your foot away from evil.” – Proverbs 4:26-27

I’ll never forget when Chris approached me over twenty years ago about taking some extended time with the Lord. We had been meeting to help each other grow in Christ and that had been fruitful. However, he had recently ran across the idea of spending unrushed time with Jesus. It could be a few hours, half a day, or an overnight stay somewhere.

Both of us had regular times in His Word and were in prayer most mornings, but this was different. We wondered what it would be like to go for a hike in the woods with just our Bibles, a journal, and a pen, away from our normal everyday distractions. So, we made plans to get away for a night to have extra time with Him and to talk about how He was at work in our lives.

That was the start of a practice that I have kept up a time or two each year, especially when I am pondering the path that I have been traveling with the Lord. Most often it’s a few hours or so at a park somewhere outside my normal routine. Sometimes I’ve gone with a big question that I’ve been wrestling with, and other times it’s been for a general time of refreshing.

I can honestly say the Lord has been so incredibly kind and faithful each time to speak through His Word in clarifying ways. The Lord has many times kept me from swerving to the right or left as He has guided my steps. If you’ve never taken unhurried time with Him, I’d recommend putting a date on the calendar now to do so on your own or with others.

Rocky Paths

We’ve all been there when life is not going as we had envisioned. Whether it’s the result of an unexpected trial or because of our own unrighteous inclinations, rocky paths are treacherous. In those moments or seasons it’s important to be honest about how you got there if it’s of your own doing. If it’s due to another’s doing or simply the result of being in the fallen world, it’s also vitally important to be honest. Resisting the urge to keep things to yourself and to go it alone with just you and the Lord is paramount.

If guarding our hearts with all vigilance truly is what we are pleading with the Lord to help us strive toward, then it stands to reason that we would use every available means that He has afforded us. This includes the key people He has brought into our lives. The short list could include our spouse, family, those we have a discipling relationship with, or other fellow church members.

Given the brothers and sisters in Christ around you currently, would you say you have a well-fortified spiritual support network of people that you’re able share openly with about the rocks in your path? If so, praise God. If not, in what way is it in need of being strengthened?

Or is there a sense that you could tap into the existing relationships He has provided in more intentional ways? If this is the case, who is the Lord leading you to be more honest with today? Is there anything you have been reluctant to share out of fear or embarrassment?

If so, may the coming days be a time when you recognize the rocky path for what it is… a tough road that can cause us to stumble. And may we be the best stewards of who the Lord has brought or will bring into our lives that He can use to help guide and direct our steps.

Winding Paths

Wouldn’t we all love to think that if we pray and apply God’s Word to our lives that our path throughout life will be straight and well-marked? However, it doesn’t take long for us to realize that isn’t the case. There was one conversation among many that I had with my dad when I was wrestling with what direction the Lord was leading me in after high school. He proceeded to tell me that he had been working for a few decades at that point and he still wondered about the path he had taken.

Looking back, I wish that conversation along with the others would have translated into being more content where the Lord had me. Instead, restlessness and discontent ruled the day often in my life. Any situation or season that felt like I was spinning my wheels was difficult to stomach. It seemed as if being like the apostle Paul who learned to be content in whatever situation he faced was an impossibility for me (Phil. 4:11).

It wasn’t until after the birth of our first child that the Lord finally got my attention about making the most of the opportunities He had given me to glorify Him. Up to that point I shudder to think of how many chances to minister to people I let pass by, choosing instead to focus on uncertainly about where I was and where the Lord was guiding. It came from a heart that was looking inward and certainly not one that had an outward bent to recognize and respond to people right in front of me who needed the gospel.

Another result of what I perceived to be the winding path was being arrogant in thinking I knew better than the Lord regarding how long I was meant to in this place or that. Entertaining such questions can’t help but tempt us to veer off into other directions.

Oh, to have heeded these words in a more faithful way from Deuteronomy 5:32-33, “You shall be careful therefore to do as the Lord your God has commanded you. You shall not turn aside to the right hand or to the left. You shall walk in all the way that the Lord your God has commanded you, that you may live, and that it may go well with you, and that you may live long in the land that you shall possess.”

May the Lord give each of us greater contentment and conviction about where in His kingdom He has us serving Him by loving and leading others to Him.

Level Paths

There is so much to the path you and I are on, how little of it we must know. Psalm 25:4-5 is a wonderful Scripture to pray along these lines. “Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long.” In doing so, it comes with a recognition that what we perceive as level paths will not be the same as what the Lord sees as level for us.

All it takes is leafing through the book of 2 Corinthians, especially Paul’s list of sufferings in chapter 11 to see that level in God’s economy is certainly not pain free and easy. There is clearly a relationship between suffering and the power of the Spirit in Paul’s life. Therefore, no matter what our path may look like on the surface to us and others, there is much more going on than we realize as we seek to be obedient to Him.

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us (2 Corinthians 4:7).” The ESV Study Bible’s introduction to this letter highlights the emphasis of “the relationship between suffering and power of the Spirit in Paul’s apostolic life, ministry, and message.” The same is true for our lives, though it often won’t appear that way in our temporal world. Instead, it will take a much longer view. In fact, Paul stretches the path were on into eternity, to give us the proper perspective (2 Corinthians 4:16-18).

So, what has been your mindset recently as you have pondered your path? What have you sensed from those you’ve given permission to speak into your life? How has your perspective changed to realize more about why the Lord may have you right where He wants you as you continue following Him?

Discussion & Reflection

1. What rocks have you found in your path toward guarding your heart recently?
2. How are you susceptible to veering to the left or right when it comes to following Christ?
3. In what ways do you need to thank the Lord yet again for making your path level?

Conclusion

“My son, be attentive to my words; incline your ear to my sayings. Let them not escape from your sight; keep them within your heart. For they are life to those who find them and healing to all their flesh. Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. Put away from you crooked speech, and put devious talk far from you. Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you. Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure. Do not swerve to the right or to the left; turn your foot away from evil.” (Proverbs 4:20-27)

As we have witnessed, guarding your heart with all vigilance is a supremely worthwhile endeavor, especially given that springs of life flow from it. Yet, there are plenty of no-brainer endeavors in life that we pass on pursuing, electing for the easier or more pleasurable way.

Another reason for doing so is wrapped up in the word vigilance. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary it is defined as, “the state of being constantly attentive and responsive to signs of opportunity, activity, or danger.” Hence, the vital life giving and preserving need for setting a secure perimeter around our hearts.

Likewise, imagine if we instructed our immediate family and our spiritual sons and daughters in the faith through our local church as Solomon does for his proverbial son. And imagine if by God’s grace through faith they heed these words of wisdom and pass them on to others. How much more would our collective souls be protected in this relentlessly tempting world? How much healthier would our churches be in protecting and proclaiming the gospel?

What steps is the Lord leading you to take to better secure the perimeter around your heart? In which area are you most vulnerable currently: inclining your ear, storing eternal treasure in your heart, guarding your mouth, guarding your eyes, or pondering your path? How can you and those you are following the Lord with help one another in these areas so your way forward will be surer in Christ?

ENDNOTES

1. Donald S. Whitney, Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life (Colorado Springs: NavPress, 2014),
   ***PG #???
2. Jonathan Edwards, The Religious Affections (Carlisle: Banner of Truth Trust, 2004), 176.
3. Kris Lundgaard, The Enemy Within (Phillipsburg: P & R Publishing, 1998), 42.
4. Jonathan Leeman, The Rule of Love (Wheaton: Crossway, 2018, 74.
5. The ESV Study Bible: English Standard Version (Crossway Bibles, 2008), ***PG #???
6. “Vigilance,” Merriam-Webster.com (Merriam-Webster, 2011). June 1, 2025

About the Author

Todd Smeltzer serves as the senior pastor at London Baptist Church in London, Ohio. He is married to his wife, Julie, and together they have three children.

#48 Breaking Free from Addiction: Victory Through Christ’s Strength

Chapter 1: Defining Addiction: What It Is

As we begin discussing the topic of addiction, we need to consider what it is. Illustrations only serve us if we first understand definitions. In what follows, I will outline a biblical understanding of addictions as explained by voluntary slavery, a combination of idolatry and spiritual adultery. It may be most helpful to start with a few things addictions are not.

A Medical Model

The most dominant way of understanding addictions today is the medical model. In this way of thinking, addictions are diseases. One recent Netflix sitcom diagnosed the problem of excessive alcohol use and addiction to cocaine. After a severe vehicle accident caused by his most recent bender, a man’s sympathetic brother exclaimed in the hospital room, “He has an addiction—okay?! It’s a disease. It’s like AIDS!” The afflicted brother replied, “No, no, it’s not like AIDS; it’s like cancer.” In either view, addiction is a disease.

But, we aren’t guilty for sickness, since sickness comes upon us through no fault of our own. Addictions as diseases require medicalized treatment, including the right combination of therapy, detox and rehab, and anti-addiction medication regimes. Cravings count largely as automatic, physiological impulses trained by exposure to abused substances. One increasingly popular example of this way of thinking includes the group meetings and 12-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And no doubt, there are important biological and sociological components worthy of careful consideration with respect to addictions.

A Worship Disorder

However, in a biblical paradigm, the disease model merely describes some aspects of the human experience of addiction. It does not explain or sufficiently account for the primary motivations of human beings. Not diseases, but desires—deep-seated, long-standing, life-dominating desires—deserve careful consideration, if we want to understand addiction. Biblically considered, “cravings” are spiritual, not just biological, physiological, or chemical. Likewise, though withdrawal symptoms express themselves physically, their root is spiritual, religious, and theological. For this reason, addictions do not merely involve the body, but also the soul.

Considered holistically, addictions are not merely a psychological disorder, but a worship disorder. We’ll have to learn to translate human experience into religious terms to see this. As John Henderson reminds us, “the Bible doesn’t use the terms addiction or substance abuse. Instead, Scripture speaks of a person’s slavery to sin (John 8:34; Romans 6:6–20), disposition to continual evil (Genesis 6:5; Psalm 140:2; Nahum 3:19), and depravity of mind producing unbridled, sinful passions (Romans 1:18–32). Scripture tells story after story of people being ruled by their physical and spiritual passions. Scripture speaks often about idolatries of human hearts and their consequences (Deuteronomy 5–6; Ezekiel 14). Addictions can be viewed as one of these consequences, the results of the flesh ruling a person’s life.”

Addictions take root in the human heart as people rest their hope, trust, and joy in something other than God, which the Bible calls idolatry. In the Bible, however, idolatry is both innate and acquired, both natural and learned. It’s both nature and nurture. We practice idolatry from birth, especially by falling in love with something other than our Creator. Yet, we also imitate the idolatrous ways of life we observe as examples, especially those of our parents, siblings, and other influential social groups. Addiction occurs when false gods (or idols) become rulers over us. We worship and serve them in thought, word, and deed. Our desires and our behavior conform to their mastery over us.

A Biblical Definition

Attempting to take all of this into account, we can now consider a fuller definition for addictions: Addiction is when inordinate and idolatrous desires, satisfied and frustrated over time, result in the personal sensation of dependence and patterns of destructive behavior.

In order to break free from addictions, let’s first break down this definition. Inordinate desires are stronger than they should be. They are out of place in the order of our loves, higher than something else we should love more. Inordinate desires in your life could look like accruing wealth with a wilting family, time on social media to the neglect of your day job, overindulgence in sugary snacks regardless of your current diet and exercise routine, compulsive shopping with disregard for the household budget, career-minded workaholism, chasing a particular body image or physical appearance, binge-watching all the newest shows, excessive hours gaming or YouTubing while forsaking appropriate sleep, and much more.

For a desire to be idolatrous, it must supplant God, replacing Him with something He made, expressed in a life of false worship. We may tend in our sophisticated and scientific age to think idolatry no longer threatens us, but we’d be sorely mistaken according to the Bible. Even in ancient Israel, idols were a matter of the heart (Ezekiel 14:3). Heart idolatry doesn’t always mean attending a temple or bowing down before a block of wood. It could take place at a sporting event or in a conference room. Idolatry involves us turning away from God to find our hope and trust, fear and dreams in something other than Him.

Desires become addictions when they oscillate for extended time between satisfaction and frustration. A pattern of feeling satisfied and frustrated fuels the human heart’s descent into addiction. Such patterns carry along the experience of addiction. Commonly called “cravings,” such experiences are real. They feel like an itch that won’t go away, no matter how much the spot is scratched. While the craving for the first drink may seem easy to avoid, subsequent craving becomes much more complicated and difficult if indulged.

Though, biblically considered, the physical body can’t cause us to sin, influences can feel like determining factors at times. Like throwing more wood on top of a fire, the third drink often feeds and fuels the fourth. Since the craving seems to subside only but for a moment, such frustration fuels the search for satisfaction all over again, into a seemingly endless cycle. For this reason, a personal sense of dependence tends to accompany the experience of addiction. It feels like life won’t go on without the drug, drink, delicacy or other object of desire.

In order to defend that object of desire, patterns of destructive behavior emerge. Lies, deceit, blame shifting, manipulation, oppressive behavior, and damaged trust and relationships surround addicted persons. Your life can take on all sorts of twisted shapes to protect against losing what you love. Like armed guards in a children’s school or like Gollum with the ring of power, no cost is too high to protect what’s prized as precious.

A Moral Model

In sum, again, addiction is when inordinate and idolatrous desires, satisfied and frustrated over time, result in the personal sensation of dependence and patterns of destructive behavior.

Given the limitations of the medical model, we need a moral model for understanding addiction. Because, biblically considered, human sin is both a state of affairs and a series of actions. Sin is not only external actions, but also defiled internal desires (Romans 7:7–25, Ephesians 4:17–24, Colossians 3:5-10, James 1:13–15, Galatians 5:16–24). What this means for us is that “addiction” describes human experience, but it does not explain it. While addiction is a fruit, idolatry and spiritual adultery are roots.

For this reason, biblical counselor Ed Welch defines addiction as “bondage to the rule of a substance, activity, or state of mind, which then becomes the center of life, defending itself from the truth so that even bad consequences don’t bring repentance, and leading to further estrangement from God.” In the biblical paradox, addiction is done by us and done to us. Welch helpfully clarifies, “in sin, we are both hopelessly out of control and shrewdly calculating; victimized yet responsible. All sin is simultaneously pitiable slavery and overt rebelliousness or selfishness.”

Like a captive turned fugitive, we are victimized yet responsible. In the next chapter, we will discuss how addiction works and what this responsible-victim-dynamic looks like.

Questions for Reflection and Discussion

1. What are the limitations of a medical model for understanding addictions? How does the moral model in our biblical definition shed further light on our experience?
2. How can you be both victimized and responsible? If this dynamic resonates with your experience, share your story with a close, Christian friend.
3. In what ways does the biblical doctrine of sin, as described in the last section above, shape our approach to helping others fight addictions?

Chapter 2: Describing Addiction: How It Works

In 1974, Patricia Hearst was kidnapped. She lived in California, as the granddaughter of the famous publisher William Randolph Hearst. Her abduction was quickly claimed by the Symbionese Liberation Army (SLA), a radical left-wing group, engaged in urban guerrilla warfare. For nineteen months, the SLA held Hearst in captivity.

Two months after her abduction, Hearst announced her newfound sympathy for her captor’s aims. She adopted a new name, Tania, in an audiotape released to inform the media of her change of allegiance. Only days later, surveillance video revealed Hearst robbing a bank with the SLA. She yelled profanity-laden commands at frightened bank customers. During the robbery, two men entering the bank suffered gunshot wounds from the SLA. Only a month later, Hearst herself emptied an entire magazine of gun fire, while threatening the manager of a local sporting goods store over a minor theft.

How had 19-year old Patricia Hearst gone from captive to fugitive in only a few months? Stockholm syndrome—or at least, that’s why most people know this story. For many, Hearst has served as the clearest case of affections so detached from reality and so darkly distorted as to involve falling in love with one’s captor, also known as Stockholm syndrome.

Admittedly, the term remains controversial due to the complex relationship between details of such traumatic experiences. Yet, perhaps the atrocity captures well some of the complexities of addiction. Consider how painful and difficult it must be to contemplate leaving the one you’ve come to love, yet, your desire to stay reveals how much you’ve changed!

Stories of such twisted affections for captors serve as a helpful picture of how the Bible judges the human experience of addiction. It’s a vivid picture of what it looks like when we become addicted to something that takes the place of our Maker, who means to be our only Master. Becoming addicted to a substance, an activity, or a state of mind looks a lot like the transformation of Patricia Hearst into SLA member Tania.

The Path to Addiction: An Idolatry-Adultery Paradigm

Addiction is voluntary slavery. It’s a chosen bondage. Somewhere along the way, we lose ourselves in love for a lesser lord. Becoming addicted is falling in love with something that’s killing you, and, simultaneously, being radically changed by it. Biblically considered, addiction describes a life ruled by a false god (or an idol), taken as a (false) lover in spiritual adultery. Addiction derives from a combination of idolatry and spiritual adultery rooted in the human heart. Let’s briefly unpack this biblical idolatry-adultery paradigm as a means of describing addiction.

Idolatry

Idolatry is an exchange of God for something else, which results in a life under the lordship of a false god. Idolatry involves the worship of the creation rather than the Creator (Romans 1:18–23). And yet, such worship is expressed in thought, word, and deed (Romans 1:24–32; Galatians 5:19–21). For, all who worship idols become like them (Psalm 115:8, 135:15–18). In the Bible, not all idols are made from blocks of wood; some idols are idols of the heart (Ezekiel 14:1–7).

Our attraction and submission to idols, however, is a process. The Bible portrays turning from God for idols as adultery (Proverbs 7, James 4:1–6). Spiritual adultery ignites and directs idolatry. For this reason, Ed Welch portrayed addiction as “a banquet in the grave.” Therefore, the stages of spiritual adultery serve to illuminate the stages of addiction. Let’s consider the path to addiction, which grows from acquaintance to friendship to infatuation to obsession to (false) worship.

Acquaintance

Idolatry begins gradually. All it takes is an acquaintance. It begins as a like or repost on social media. It begins in one shot glass. It begins with that first bite before the binge. It says, “Sure, I’ll try it!” At first, it’s just a small toke, maybe that first long drag.

Friendship

Idolatry grows from friendship with created things. It says, “my night’s always better with it!” It thinks, “I am still in control.” It’s the first two weekends of two drinks per night. It’s the lack of inhibition to do it a third time. It’s when the cigar leads to several cigarettes. It’s when second-hand marijuana smoke intoxicates enough to become first-hand experience. Ultimately, this stage is when truth and experience diverge into two separate roads.

Infatuation

Idolatry eventually turns into infatuation. The feeling of admiration swirls, even when the substance is distant. Life is planned around hits––life is barely even lived between them. In this stage, blame shifting swells. Everything is their fault; nothing is mine. Excuses become relational currency. Promises are made as quickly as they are broken, and they litter conversations. Even bad consequences can’t turn the addict from her ways at this point. For, she says, “I can’t imagine my night without it!”

Obsession

Infatuation can quickly become obsession. Here we find the full-on feeling of dependence. Now, it’s, “I can’t live without it.” Frequency of addictive events is at an all-time high, perhaps even daily. The volume is so loud that everything else is drowned out, nothing else is desired. Addictions never lack sincerity. Using can even become selling at this stage, for example.

Adultery

Since the descent into addiction follows the course of spiritual adultery, love, betrayal, jealousy, and paranoia characterize the final stages well. The conscience can become seared (1 Timothy 4:1–2). The dark path to addiction ends in life-dominating worship of a false god, the exchange of the Creator for created things. At this point, you are a slave to your circumstances. You have chosen to give up freedom and choices to serve another master (John 8:34). In a picture, it’s voluntary slavery or chosen bondage. In a word, it’s idolatry.

The Descent into Addiction

Understood in this way, each of us can appreciate the descent into addiction personally. For everyone knows something of the experience of inordinate and idolatrous desires. In fact, if drunkenness remains a blueprint for all addictions, then the Bible simply lists it alongside other sins (Galatians 5:21). Remember, any activity, substance or state of mind can become addictive in our hands, whether alcohol, drugs, food, sex, entertainment, spending sprees, sports betting, collectibles, revenge, power and control, or glory and fame.

While those suffering under addictions may feel their struggle is unique, there is great comfort in the biblical view that we all suffer and struggle in similar ways (1 Corinthians 10:13). After all, addicts are, in an important sense, all of us. For, all of us are idolaters from birth and by practice.

If the path to addiction develops along stages from acquaintance to adultery, then the cycle of addiction involves achieving pleasure and avoiding pain. A cruel master captures our affections by controlling our attention and then shapes our actions. Even our ambitions become distorted and dragged along according to our new allegiance. While cravings may initially feel distant, denied without difficulty, they soon become apparently insatiable after repeated use.

Questions for Reflection and Discussion

1. If the descent into addiction is a captive-fugitive dynamic, which angle do you tend to emphasize more, and why? How does balancing the two help you understand your situation? How does it provide practical help and hope?
2. Where would you say you are on the path to addiction outlined above with regard to alcohol or substance abuse? Gaming or gambling? Pornography or other sexual immorality? What other created thing threats you most, and how would you map out your struggle with it right now?

Chapter 3: Delaying Addiction: Making Space to Begin the Fight

Having understood the avenue of addiction, we can now consider the cure. In short, it’s what the Scottish Presbyterian preacher Thomas Chalmers called “the expulsive power of a new affection.” In other words, new and stronger desires drive out old desires. Only attention to the heart in this way will finally and fully defeat addiction. For whatever rules the heart rules the life (Proverbs 4:23). If you want to defeat addiction, you’ll have to deal with your heart.

Simple “stop it!” strategies shortchange the seriousness of this struggle. Only heart change yields true freedom from addiction. Yet, many people need to take temporary, practical measures to clear a path for tending the heart. As such, a short season of stop gaps may be necessary first. I urge you to consider three stop gaps below as a means of taking care of your heart.

Yet, these are only stop gaps. They are temporary. They serve as a means to another, more important end: tending your heart. If you want to grow herbs and spices in your home garden, sometimes you have to pull weeds first. If you want to see out of your house clearly, sometimes you have to clean the windows first. If you want to think clearly, sometimes you have to take a Tylenol for your headache first.

That means these next three measures won’t fully deal with addiction by themselves. They are sometimes necessary, but they are never sufficient. To put it plainly, people with a porn problem have not addressed that problem simply by installing accountability software like Covenant Eyes. Hopefully, they’ve put some distance between them and their sin. That’s often a necessary first step, because it can create space to deal with the heart (Hebrews 12:12–13). Yet, the most important part is yet to be done! Thus, the next and final chapter aims for the heart, but first some stop gaps.

Stop Gap #1: Accountability

First, establish accountability wherever there’s availability. If you have access to engage in addictive activities, ensure you have accountability also. You must consider the circumstances of your struggles. Search for patterns. Does the shape of your life reveal any recurring sinful tendencies? This stop gap includes the places you find yourself during the day, the relationships in every area of your life, the times you feel most tempted, and more. It could even include your drive home from work…

Jim threatened to destroy his life with pornography. Things escalated one day on his way home from work. He pulled into the parking lot of a local strip club, stopped the car, and started to get out. But as soon as Jim heard the door unlatch after pulling on the handle, he also heard his phone ring. Caleb was calling.

Caleb was a co-worker. He knew Jim’s routine trip home from work passed by that dark and twisted establishment. He also knew about Jim’s struggle with pornography. The two were members of the same church, and they had committed to radical honesty and transparency with regard to sin struggles. Jim wanted to walk in the light. He told Caleb everything a week ago. Sadly, this wasn’t the first time Jim was tempted to stop. The two had taken the practical step of sharing each other’s location and setting up a ping whenever certain geofences were crossed. That’s why Caleb called.

Do whatever it takes to make it more difficult to step into sin. Whatever afflicts you, whether an activity or a substance, wherever it’s accessible, you need to take steps of accountability. Sometimes, a relationship with a dear friend saves your life.

Other times, technology enables us to pursue holiness more easily than sin. Fearing they waste too much time with entertainment, two friends of mine recently subscribed to the Brick device. With a tap of their phone on this small gray block stuck to their fridge, the phone locks them out of apps they’ve chosen to avoid for a time.

Other friends have deleted social media accounts altogether, for it is better to go to heaven with no social network than to go to hell while staying up-to-date on what’s happening with all of your digital friends (Matthew 5:29–30). Of course, I don’t mean to imply that all social media implicates us in sin. I have certain social media accounts. Social media isn’t the problem; my sinful heart is the problem. Sin is so deceitful that radical measures are necessary to fight it. Establish accountability wherever there’s availability.

Stop Gap #2: Plan

Second, build a rescue plan. This second practical stop gap, unlike the last, creates self-accountability without the immediate assistance of others. If you want to break free from addiction, you will need to reorient your entire life. Since addictions are rooted in deep-seated, long-standing, life-dominating desires, you need to consider the shape of your entire life. You may even need to restructure your entire life.

It’s often said, “time heals all wounds.” But that’s not true. The change of time alone does not change the human heart. We should not expect a change for the good without great physical effort, intellectual energy, and consistent discipline. No one becomes holy by accident. Spiritual growth requires diligent use of the God-given means of grace, including the Scriptures, meditation, self-examination, self-denial, watchfulness, and prayer.

Rachel oscillated from depriving herself of enough food for nourishment to bingeing and purging to preserve the body image she desperately desired. She also realized her problem was more than she could bear. In God’s kind providence, He had put her in a healthy church. Rachel requested help from the wife of one of her pastors, a godly older saint in the congregation, and a young woman Rachel had been discipling for the last few years. Together, the four came up with a diet and nutrition plan specific to Rachel. They all accompanied Rachel to her doctor’s appointment to approve the plan. For the first 21 days, Rachel would record all of her food via an app on her smartphone. Her faithful friends also regularly checked in by sending text messages for prayer, Scriptural encouragement, and accountability. Seeing each other on Sundays alone was not sufficient for this struggle.

We all need a plan for spiritual growth. You can create specific, measurable, attainable goals for your spiritual growth. Career-minded people do this at work intuitively—why not do it with the most important matters? Do it with a close friend in your church, or preferably, with a pastor. There is wisdom in many counselors (Proverbs 11:14, 15:22). More importantly, God gives wisdom when we ask (James 1:5). God will help us be holy if we’ll draw upon His vast strength.

As you prayerfully discern your life, consider your own path to addiction. Read back through the path to addiction in the last chapter and consider: Where have you become acquainted with addictive substances? Where have you made friends with activities or states of mind to which you’re becoming addicted? When do you find yourself infatuated or obsessed with the idols of your heart?

In your plan, build specific roadblocks between stages on your path to addiction. For example, delete your dealer’s phone number. Additionally, if you’re attentive to your inner life, you will find your mind moving from thought to plan to execution. So, at each stage, make it practically harder for yourself to take the next step.

Stop Gap #3: Medicine

Depending on the severity of your situation, you may find medical help a practical necessity. Given the scope of addictions as we’ve considered them here (from, for example, social media to cocaine) this final stop gap obviously does not apply to everyone evenly. Let me lay out some principles for considering medical help here.

First, medicine can be a good gift of God. Jesus assumes sick people ought to get help from doctors (Matthew 9:12). Paul encourages Timothy to treat his physical problems with a new dietary regimen (1 Timothy 5:23). Biblically considered, Christians need not swear off medicine in all forms.

Second, medicine must remain in its proper place. While doctors treat the body with specialized training to address physical symptoms, few attend to the broader cares of human souls. In fact, sometimes, doctors can make matters much worse by nature of their field (Mark 5:25–26). Remember the limitations of the medical model for addictions as we discussed above.

Third, churches cannot cross over outside appropriate territory. As a pastor, medicine is not in my jurisdiction. It would not be in my pastoral purview to give counsel about increasing or decreasing medications, diagnosing and treating various medical issues. The best course of action, especially in extreme cases, will be a pastor and a medical professional (or better, a team of each!) working holistically to care for the sufferer together.

In view of those three principles, perhaps a picture illumines why I’ve called medical help a stop gap for our purposes. Consider a broken leg. Walking on a broken leg makes matters worse. For a season, a cast or crutches or even a wheelchair helps rehabilitate the leg. Yet, we must never lose sight of the goal—getting the leg working properly again! You must stop walking normally for a season so that you might walk normally again soon! This pattern is how medical help ought to work. More important than avoiding such helps is simply keeping them in perspective. Medical help clears the ground to deal with the heart. It provides temporary relief to make way for the long-term.

That means sobriety alone is an insufficient goal. Only “getting clean” ignores the heart! Thus, sobriety is a means to an end: glorifying God by tending the heart to trust in Christ alone, which we’ll turn to in the next section.

For these reasons, severe cases of addiction may find help from 30-day retreats or rehabilitation centers with specialization in their area of addiction. That being said, if you’re considering a program, look into what they believe and teach about God, the Bible, and humanity. You don’t want to submit yourself to a program which undermines the path to true freedom through false teaching (Galatians 1:6–10).

One word of caution about medical detox/withdrawal: If you find yourself suffering with an addiction to alcohol or benzodiazepines (e.g., Valium, Xanax, etc.), self-detox without professional medical interventions could have severe consequences and can even prove fatal. You should consult with a physician or a specialty organization if that describes your situation.

Questions for Reflection and Discussion

1. Has this chapter challenged your understanding of accountability and/or medicine at all? If so, how? If not, how did it strengthen your convictions by rooting them more directly in the Bible?
2. If you were to build out a practical rescue plan for yourself, what would it look like in light of the above?
3. Did anyone specifically come to mind as you’ve read about the people in this book? How could you reach out to encourage or help them?

Chapter 4: Defeating Addiction: Where to Find Freedom

The only sure way to break free from addiction is finding strength in Christ’s victory. The above stop gaps (and like measures) are merely meant to create space for the long-term tending of our hearts to know and fear the Lord. Remember, addiction is a fruit whereas idolatry and spiritual adultery are the roots. Thus, we must dig up bad roots in the heart in order to remove bad fruit from our lives. Then, tending the heart, good roots can be planted in their place by the grace of God in Christ.

The only affection powerful enough to expel addiction comes from seeing and savoring Jesus Christ. When we see Jesus as sweet, we’ll do what He says. Only by growing in the grace and knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ should we expect to break free from addiction (2 Peter 3:18). Though we have been mastered by sin and selfish desires, we need to put on the Lord Jesus and make no provision for the flesh (Romans 13:14; cf. 6:1–23, 8:13). The rest of this chapter outlines how we might do this, by God’s grace. Seven Scriptural strategies follow, after a crucial precondition.

Precondition: Christ Alone

The presupposition of this entire subject is that we have sinned and separated ourselves from God through disobedience and rebellion. This is why we suffer from addictions and struggle with sin. But the good news of the Christian gospel is that through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus, we can be forgiven of our sins, restored to fellowship with God, and given everlasting life.

We receive God’s grace through faith alone in Christ alone. We take hold of Christ by knowing this good news, agreeing that it’s true, and trusting in Christ alone for forgiveness, righteousness, salvation, and wisdom. We benefit from Christ by having him as Savior and Lord, Prophet, Priest, and King. He is God’s Word to us. He is God’s sacrifice for us. He is God’s rule over us. He is God’s blessing to us.

Before we can do anything for Jesus, we need Him to be everything for us. Without Him, we can do nothing (John 15:5). Like all of the people in the Bible, from Adam to Noah to Abraham to Moses to David and all the others (except Jesus), we have failed to keep God’s commandments. We have sinned. We have broken the covenant God made with us since creation. If we would be free from sin and struggle, there is only one way out.

Only if Christ passes the test where we have all failed, only if he wins the victory, can we overcome our struggles by His grace through faith.

Therefore, if you don’t know the Lord Jesus Christ by faith, repent of your sins and trust in Christ alone. Become a Christian, or don’t expect freedom from addiction. Without true faith in Christ, we simply swap one idol for another. As a result, “free” addicts may sadly find they become enslaved to something else all over again! If you are a Christian, seven Scriptural strategies follow for breaking free from addiction by Christ’s victory.

1. Consider your situation soberly

The reference to sobriety here has more to do with what the Bible calls “being sober-minded” (1 Peter 1:13). We could extend this idea into getting clean from substance or alcohol abuse. Obviously, you will think more clearly when you are not coming off your last binge. However, to be truly free from addiction, you must begin by considering your situation thoughtfully and seriously.

One of Satan’s schemes against struggling saints convinces them their sin is unforgivable and undefeatable (2 Corinthians 2:11). Central to this scheme is the supposition that we are unique. If what you’re going through is utterly unlike anyone and everyone else, then there’s not much hope that you can change. Sadly, those struggling with addiction suffer from this thought process more than most.

But there is great comfort in God’s Word for struggling saints. “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it” (1 Corinthians 10:13). We are not unique. Our struggle is not unique. There is comfort in this reality. Our brothers and sisters’ examples of victories ought to give us confidence that God will deliver us too. There is a way of escape. God Himself provides it.

Recognizing this reality is part of considering your situation soberly. Another part is acknowledging that loving the world and loving God are mutually exclusive (1 John 2:15–17). You must see your struggle against addiction as a spiritual struggle with the highest of stakes.

Tragically, many struggling with addiction refuse help because they believe the lie that only those with similar experiences understand. But God knows, and His Word is true. He often helps us through others who struggle in different ways. Along these lines, it is helpful to confess not only external sins, but internal temptations as well. In the Bible, our sins come from temptations which arise from evil desires (James 1:13–15). As Ed Welch wrote, “James makes it clear that the desire for anything that Scripture prohibits is an evil desire that comes from our own hearts.” Thus, we should confess our temptations to one another that we might see sin soberly and strive to root it out of our lives.

2. Cultivate stronger desires through Scripture

We meet God in Christ through Scripture (John 5:39). We live by God’s Word (Matthew 4:4). Scripture itself is alive as the living Word of God (Hebrews 4:12). We should never think of Scripture as a static, boring, dead letter. It lives. It gives us life. God uses the Bible to put spiritual steel in our spines. Through Scripture, we draw upon God’s vast strength. Meditation upon Scripture massages the truth into our hearts, creating and cultivating stronger desires that displace weaker desires for the things of the world.

Consider God’s Word in Psalm 84: “For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God  than dwell in the tents of wickedness. For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly” (84:10–11).

This truth is the hope we need. It’s the help addicts need. Only trust that God’s Word is true creates a desire stronger than anything else. God is so delightful, that a single day with Him is more desirous than a thousand times the alternative. Serving God is so satisfying that the position of lowest honor with God (unlocking and opening the doors––the ancient equivalent of janitorial service) is better than ruling another kingdom.

Not only that, but “the Lord God is a sun and shield.” He provides illumination and protection. The same can’t be said for the objects of our addiction, of course. Alcohol abuse steals favor and dishonors, but the Lord grants favor and honor. In fact, God is good and does good. He doesn’t withhold good from those who love and worship Him because of His grace.

Scripture is indispensable to spiritual growth out of voluntary slavery to addiction. Why? Because a young man keeps his way pure by guarding his heart according to God’s Word (Psalm 119:9). If we want to avoid sinning against God, then we must store up God’s Word in our hearts (Psalm 119:11). Memorization, recitation, and meditation are invaluable ingredients to cultivate stronger desires for God in Christ. How will you store up God’s Word in your heart?

3. Get a glimpse of the greatness of God

God alone satisfies the desires of the human heart. Because God alone created us. We cultivate love for God by recognizing His creating work. The Bible ascribes glory and honor to the Lord God because of His power in creating all things (Revelation 4:11). Our problems stem from confusing the Creator with His creation.

When Christians throughout history called God sufficient or all-sufficient, what they had in mind was how God differs from everything that He made. God is holy, holy, holy (Isaiah 6:3; Revelation 4:8). Nothing compares to Him (Isaiah 40:18). No one is like Him (1 Samuel 2:2).

God alone is eternal (Psalm 90:2). He has no beginning. He has no end. He does not even experience a succession of moments like we do. Time is created. Therefore, God is outside of time.

God alone is immutable (Malachi 3:6). He does not change (James 1:17). He cannot get better. He cannot get worse. He is perfect (Matthew 5:48). His perfections include his purity, unity, justice, righteousness, holiness, mercy, goodness, grace, and love. God does not change because God cannot stop being or behaving as God. God can improve our situation because we are mercifully mutable. But God cannot change, for change is the language of creatures.

God alone is all-knowing (Isaiah 40:28; Psalm 147:5; Hebrews 4:13; 1 John 3:20). He cannot learn, for He knows all things. As such, He cannot be taken by surprise or caught off guard. He is never unaware. He is never ignorant. He is omniscient.

God alone is independent (Acts 17:24–25). He does not need anything outside Himself. No one and nothing meets His needs. In fact, we could even say, God has no needs. He depends on no one and nothing. He is of Himself, from Himself, and satisfied by Himself. He is sufficient. Thus, God alone satisfies.

This God, the only true and living God, can satisfy you, too. You must do the one thing necessary (Luke 10:42). You must consider God in Christ a more satisfying treasure than anything the world can offer (Hebrews 11:26). You must ask of the LORD to dwell in His house and gaze upon His beauty (Psalm 27:4). Only then could your addiction be defeated.

4. Walk in the light

If we have fellowship with God, we will have fellowship with His people––the body of Christ, the church. The apostle John says as much: “If we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin” (1 John 1:7).

At this point, let me just say it plainly, if you’re not a member of a local church, you lack the most practical help in the fight against addiction. Welch reminds us that corporate worship is “the most potent weapon of all for fighting addiction.” It’s in corporate worship that we find our affections corrected, retrained, stirred, deepened, and shaped. For, here, we praise God, confess our sin before Him, receive His pardon through the public reading of Scripture, give thanks to Him for His works of mercy, grace, and love, hear His instruction through the preached Word of God, and receive a blessing or benediction as we scatter to serve God and our neighbors.

To be clear, not just any church will do. You need a healthy local church. You need a church that takes membership seriously. You need a church that takes sin seriously. You need a church that takes God’s Word seriously.

Find a church where the Word of God is preached faithfully week by week, where words like “sin” and “repentance” are used often in the pulpit, where pastors know who the members of the congregation are, where those who walk in darkness are not given a safe place to stay hidden forever.

Weak preaching and wimpy fellowship will not help you battle addiction. You want to surround yourself with people who speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15–16). Find a place you can be fully known and fully loved. One practical tool in this regard is the online Church Search at 9Marks.org.

5. Reconcile relationships

If you have given in to addiction, broken relationships will be scattered all over your life. You need to reconcile with those you’ve offended (Matthew 5:23–24; Colossians 3:13; Ephesians 4:32). You’ll do this by taking personal responsibility for the damage you’ve done.

Ask for forgiveness. Be specific. Say something like, “I should not have lied to you. I owe you the truth. God is truth, so starting today, I will be radically honest. Help me walk in integrity.” Tragically, lies and deceit have characterized your life, so let truth and transparency take their place now (Ephesians 4:25). Say what you mean, and mean what you say (Matthew 5:37). You’ve put the blame on others, so now it’s time to take personal responsibility. You will need to initiate this step of reconciliation. It will not happen without intentionality.

You may also find this particular step takes time. Reconciliation is complicated. Restoring trust can be slow and difficult. For practical wisdom and help in this important endeavor, see Garrett Kell’s booklet on Forgiveness for The Mentoring Project.

6. Learn self-control

Remarkably, in Titus 2, Paul gives a job to everyone in the church: the older men, the older women, the younger women, and the younger men. All kinds of people receive a number of things to do, expect one group gets only one thing to focus upon. “Likewise, urge the younger men to be self-controlled” (2:6). And in fact, each of Paul’s four groups receive the command to learn self-control in one way or another. The older women are not to be “slaves to much wine” (2:3). The older men are to be “self-controlled” (2:2). The younger women are to learn from the older women how to “be self-controlled” (2:5). Every follower of Christ must learn self-control.

Self-control means learning to say “no” to selfish desires and passions. The picture of self-control is the boat which is steady at sea in the midst of raucous waves. God’s grace trains us to “renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age” (Titus 2:12).

Practicing self-denial serves us in learning self-control. There’s no need to become monks, and asceticism won’t help us (Colossians 2:18). Yet, our ability to say no to small things trains us to say no to bigger matters. Going without optional preferences helps us learn to starve our sinful flesh as well. Self-denial strengthens over time.

7. Receive created things as God’s gifts

Learning to overcome addiction is a matter of learning to stop putting our hope, trust, and joy in created things. We must also consider the other side of the coin. That is, we must learn to receive created things as God’s gifts.

A Christian approach to creation includes the truth that God doesn’t make junk! Creation can’t cause us to sin. Because God is good, creation is good (Genesis 1:31; 1 Timothy 4:4). Creation is not God, but it is from God. All things are from God and through God and to God (Romans 11:36).

Therefore, as the apostle Paul teaches, “everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, for it is made holy by the word of God and prayer” (1 Timothy 4:4–5). We sanctify (or make holy) all things with Scripture and prayer. By God’s grace, we can receive everything He has made with thanksgiving (Ecclesiastes 5:19). That means we don’t need to swear off alcohol or food or medicine or anything else forever! We won’t find freedom from merely abstaining forever, but from trusting in Christ and enjoying creation as a gift from God, which means doing all things in moderation and in appropriate ways (1 Corinthians 9:27, 10:23–33; Philippians 4:5–9).

Admittedly, for a time, we may, as we’ve said above, put distance between us and that which threatens our faith with false worship of created things.

In fact, depending upon your specific situation, you may even find it wise to abstain for the rest of this life. Holiness is worth every effort!

Yet, remember, dear friend, this life is not forever. This life is but a season in view of eternity. There is a glorious Day coming when Christ will return or call us home. We will then drink and dine with Him, regardless of the nature of our present struggles (Isaiah 25:6; Luke 22:18; Romans 8:18). That Day is coming soon and very soon (Revelation 22:20).

The more we reflect upon Christ and that Day, the better we will be able to live in this day until then.

Questions for Reflection and Discussion

1. Do you know God in Christ by faith? In other words, are you a Christian? How do you know?
2. How does your Christian faith change the struggle against addiction?
3. Which of the seven scriptural strategies above was most challenging to you? Which was most encouraging? How might you practically implement one of the above this week?

Conclusion

You may have believed the lie that you cannot change in this life, that you’ll be an addict or an alcoholic forever. I write these things to give you hope again. For with hope in God’s Word, you’ll be able to change. One of the things Paul wrote about drunkenness––that prototype of all addictions––was that “drunkards” will not “inherit the kingdom of God” (1 Corinthians 6:10).

But look at all he said in context, “Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Corinthians 6:9–11).

If the Lord Jesus Christ can justify and sanctify the Corinthians by the Spirit of our God, then he can change you too, dear friend. According to God’s powerful Word, your testimony can be “and such were some of you” too one day. You don’t have to be an “addict” or an “alcoholic” forever. By God’s grace, you can trust and hope in Christ alone, not in created things.

About the Author

Ben Robin serves as a pastor at Trinity River Baptist Church in Fort Worth, Texas. He is married to his wife, Anna, and together they have two children.

#47 Sexual Attraction: A Christian Perspective on Same-Sex Desires

Part 1: Who Am I?

“Who am I?” is the question of our age. Identity has captured the world’s imagination, from debates over artificial intelligence, to conversations on race or ethnicity, to theories of posthuman immortality.

What the World is Telling You

The Western world’s message is that personal identity is defined from within. To discover yourself, you look inward. The pinnacle of personal existence is to live as your ‘true self.’ Just ‘be yourself.’ This is most evident in discussions of sexuality and what is sexual attraction, where the pattern of sexual desires a person experiences is seen as a core component of their identity.

The notion of sexual desire being equated with personal identity is a relatively new invention. It was popularized by Sigmund Freud who argued that if happiness is the desired goal of human beings via the pleasure principle, and if sexual love affords humans the greatest experience of pleasure and satisfaction, then sexual gratification should be central to what it means to be a person. John Money, psychologist and ‘sexologist’ at Johns Hopkins University in the 1950s, built off Freud to argue that sexual preference should be categorized as an orientation rather than a same sex attraction disorder. This was further developed to assert that sexual orientations are both innate and fixed.

Today, many theories on what causes same sex attraction lean heavily on this idea, sometimes framing it as a form of genetic sexual attraction or biological determinism. Sexual desires are viewed as a core component of who we are, essential to our identity. As a result, to disagree on issues of sexuality is like asking someone to deny who they really are.

The problem is that this modern view of identity is fundamentally unstable. Defining who you are either from your internal, subjective sense, or from what others tell you, does not provide a concrete grounding. Feelings and self-perceptions change. Cultural views and assumptions change. Who we are, our fundamental identity, requires something unchanging. We remain a fixed someone even through a range of changes throughout life. That’s where the Bible comes in. When we turn to Scripture, we see that who we are is rooted in God’s good design and intention.

What the Bible Tells You

Scripture teaches that you were created by God, and yet, because of sin, you are broken. If you are a Christian, however, your brokenness has been redeemed.

You are Created

Scripture begins with God speaking things into existence, declaring them ‘good’ (Gen. 1:10, 12, 18, 21, 25). Creation culminates with God deliberating, ‘Let us make man in our image, after our likeness’ (Gen. 1:26). We are both like the rest of creation, created and sustained by God, and yet we are unlike the rest of creation. We are made in the image of God. This image is not found in one particular part of us over another. Rather, the whole person is the image of the triune God. The image of God is essential to human nature. And God declares our design to be ‘very good’ (Gen. 1:31). Being the image of God gives every person inherent dignity and value as we reflect God Himself.

This dignity and value is reflected in the fact that God created humans personally. Just as God breathed the breath of life into Adam (Gen. 2:7) so too God forms each person in their mother’s womb. We are ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’ as God knits us and gives us life (Ps. 139:13-14). Life is a gift that we receive. Being the image of God is also a gift, an identity that is given to us. We do not choose it; we are created as it.

Man, as originally created, was righteous and holy in nature. This moral perfection was essential to human nature itself. Anything less would imply a defect in God’s creation. Man was created in relation to God and able to acknowledge, love, and worship Him. From the very beginning, God relates personally with humanity (Gen. 1:28-30; 2:15-18). We are personally known by a personal God and He relates to us based on how he has created us.

From the beginning, God created humanity in his image as male and female (Gen. 1:27). Sexual difference is a created, God-given reality. This differentiation is foundational to who we are as image-bearers. While each person is fully the image of God, we more fully image God together. Humanity images God more fully as two, interdependent sexes than as one in isolation. The different sexes are complimentary. We need one another.

One of the most obvious ways the sexes need each other is the act of procreation. God invented sex as a gift with purpose. The first purpose for sex that we see in the Bible is to ‘be fruitful and multiply’ (Gen. 1:28). Human sexuality is ordered towards procreating. This is how God intended human beings to ‘fill the earth and subdue it’ (Gen. 1:28), representing God as they rule under Him. The second purpose for sex that we see in the Bible is to create ‘one flesh’ within marriage (Gen. 2:24). Human sexuality is ordered towards uniting two as one. Sex pictures and produces this union. Through this mutual, self-giving act, a husband and wife are physically, psychologically, and spiritually bound together. Throughout the Bible, sex is the one-flesh union of a man and a woman within the boundaries of marriage. This framework is crucial for understanding same sex attraction in the Bible—not merely as a set of prohibitions, but as a deviation from this positive, created order.

You are Broken

While creation was originally good, the entrance of sin marred and corrupted it. The Fall affected the entirety of creation. Human nature was radically damaged. Not only was righteousness lost, but man became spiritually dead (Rom. 6:23; Eph. 2:1). In our fallen state, we are naturally inclined toward evil. We are all born in rebellion against God, as His enemies (Rom. 5:10). We are ‘children of wrath’ (Eph. 2:3). Throughout Scripture, we see there is no ‘neutral’ human nature—man is either holy or fallen, regenerate or dead in sin (Matt. 6:24, 7:13-14, 12:30; Rom. 3:23). This means that something seeming ‘natural’ does not necessarily mean ‘good.’

The relationship between the sexes was also affected by the Fall. Desire for things contrary to God’s will, which started with Eve’s sinful desire for the fruit (Gen. 3:6), extends to sexuality. God’s perfect design for sex between a man and a woman united in marriage was corrupted. Sexual complementarity is distorted and abused, with the woman’s desire being for her husband and him ruling over her (Gen. 3:16). The marriage covenant is twisted to include multiple wives (Gen. 4:19). And, by Genesis 19, sexual immorality is widespread with sex increasingly distorted from its original design and intention. Desires are warped as people pursue and worship the creature rather than the Creator (Rom. 1:25).

Disordered sexuality—that is, desire for sex contrary to God’s good design—is a result of the Fall. This helps answer the difficult question of what causes same sex attraction from a theological perspective. God created human nature good, but the particular distortions of our desires are products of sin. When God creates us, He creates us in Adam, not as a blank slate. Once humanity fell in Adam, all subsequent humans are born into his fallen state. God creating you is not Him freshly deciding to make you sinful. Rather, He is creating you as a participant in already-fallen humanity.

To argue, therefore, that our disordered sexuality is God-given and thus inherently good is like arguing that any other part of our sin nature is good. We would never claim this about our angry nature, or lying nature, or adulterous nature. We should expect to see those who are struggling with same sex attraction as a Christian facing just one of many effects of the Fall. What is important is how they respond to it. Our fallen sexuality, like every other aspect of our fallen nature, exists under God’s providence in order to magnify His grace through salvation and sanctification. Through each of us, God displays His glory as He saves sinners and changes them by the power of His Spirit.

You are Redeemed

And so we are not without hope. This is the core of same sex attraction Gospel topics: if you have turned from your sin and placed your faith in Jesus Christ’s finished work on the cross, you have been made new. Through the Gospel, you are forgiven and reconciled to God. Children of wrath become children of God (Rom 8:16; 1 Pet 1:14, 1 John 3:1-2). You have been given a new nature, one that has been made spiritually alive (Tit. 3:5; Eph. 2:5). Knowledge, righteousness and holiness are regained in union with Christ (Eph. 4:24; Col. 3:10). And so, we are called to put off the old self (Eph. 4:22; Rom. 6:6) and put on the new self (Eph. 4:24; 2 Cor. 5:17). We are to be transformed by the renewing of our minds, becoming more like Christ (Rom. 12:2; Eph. 4:23). Our identity is rooted in what Christ has done. We are in Christ, secured by God’s grace.

Although sin remains in the believer, God graciously chooses to forgive it for the sake of Christ. The presence of sin remains, but the power of sin is broken. We are no longer slaves to sin but have been set free from it (Rom. 6:6-7). A struggle continues between the sinful desires of the old nature and the new nature in Christ. Christians are called to a life of fighting sin and putting it to death (what is called ‘mortifying’ sin). But there is true freedom.

If you experience same-sex desires in your life, the Bible’s teaching about who you are is profoundly hopeful. It offers genuine Christian guidance for same sex attraction by placing your experience within a grand story that is far larger than your desires and attractions. You are not defined by your desires, nor are you uniquely broken. Like every other human being, you are personally created as an image-bearer, with dignity, worth, and purpose. At the same time, you are broken by sin just like everyone else and in need of redemption. Our hearts are naturally inclined to sin, away from God. Same-sex desires do not place you outside of the human story; they reflect the reality of our shared brokenness and our need for a Savior.

Understanding God’s design and intention for sex helps us make sense of God’s prohibitions against homosexuality. Scripture’s consistent teaching is that sexual intimacy is reserved for the one-flesh union of a man and a woman within marriage, and that sexual activity between two people of the same sex falls outside that design and is therefore sin.

The wonderful news is that in His great mercy, God sent His Son to die for our sins and reconcile us to God. Through Christ’s death and resurrection, forgiveness is offered freely to all who repent and believe. If you are a Christian, you have been given a new nature and new desires. You have a new identity in Christ. While old desires may remain, they no longer define you or rule over you. Empowered by the Spirit, you and I are able to flee from sin and grow in righteousness and holiness. This is the path of learning how to overcome same sex attraction—not by your own strength, but by walking in the newness of life.

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Reflection Question:

1. How does the world’s message that identity is discovered by looking inward differ from the Bible’s teaching that identity is received from God?
2. How should being made in the image of God affect your self-understanding? How should it affect your view of others, including those who are struggling with same sex attraction or different sins and desires than you?
3. How does the reality of the fall affect how we understand our desires, even if they seem ‘natural’?
4. How does being redeemed in Christ with a new nature redefine our self-understanding?
5. How does the promise of new creation, being fully free from sin in the resurrection, shape the way you endure present struggles? This is a vital question for Christian faith and same sex attraction.

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Part 2: Sin and Temptation

We have already mentioned sin, but what is it exactly? To the world around us, the term feels archaic, even oppressive. It doesn’t tend to feature in public discussions. Because of how alien the concept feels today, it is important to clarify what we are talking about.

What Is Sin?

Simply put, sin is any failure to conform to God’s law. God is perfectly holy and perfectly good (Is. 6:3; Rev 4:8; Lev. 19:2; 1 Jn. 1:5). He is the source and standard of goodness, and he makes this standard clear through His law. God requires us to be holy as He is holy (1 Pet. 1:14-16). Anything that falls short of God’s standard is imperfect and unholy—it is sin. 1 John 3:4 makes this clear, declaring that “sin is lawlessness.” Sin, therefore, includes anything done contrary to the Lord’s commandments, whether intentionally or unintentionally (Lev. 5:15, 17-19).

Sin is more than merely positive actions against God. It is also anything we leave undone that God’s law requires us to do (Jas. 4:17). In all of this, we see that it is God who decides what is sin, not us.

At the fall, humanity lost the righteousness we were originally created with. Alongside this, we became spiritually dead with a corrupt nature, prone to evil. These two things comprise what is commonly referred to as ‘original sin.’ Original sin, a universal feature of all humans, is the loss of original righteousness and a corrupted nature. It is original not because it was originally part of our created nature, but because it is the origin and source of all other sins. There is a difference, then, between the first sin and original sin. The first human sin was Adam and Eve’s disobedience in the Garden of Eden, by which sin entered the world and human nature was corrupted. Scripture is clear that Adam is responsible for the entrance of sin into the world, as the parent and beginning of a unified human race (Rom. 5:12; 1 Cor. 15:21, 45). Adam stood as the representative, or ‘head,’ of humanity. Because Adam broke God’s law, we are born in sin. We all inherit his guilt (Rom. 5:19). This is then wonderfully contrasted with Jesus Christ. Christ assumed human nature and is the head and beginning of a new humanity—a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation (1 Pet. 2:9-10; Rom. 5:15-17; 8:29; 1 Cor. 15:22, 45; 2 Cor. 5:17; Eph. 2:14-16). Jesus stands as the representative and so all who repent and believe inherit His righteousness (Jn. 3:3; Rom. 8:14-17; Eph. 1:5-14). Adam sinned and all of us received sin and judgment. Christ redeemed and all who believe receive righteousness and mercy.

As we think about sin, it is important to also understand the doorway through which sin often enters our lives: temptation. What is temptation?

What Is Temptation?

Temptation in its most basic form is an enticement to sin. It is a draw away from God and His law and towards things contrary to God. God cannot be tempted with evil and does not tempt anyone (Jas. 1:13). He cannot be tempted with evil, as this would be a contradiction of his perfect nature. He cannot tempt anyone, as this would make him evil. Instead, our temptations arise either from within or from without. From the outside, a person or the devil (Jas. 4:7) seeks to lure you to sin (Prov. 1:10; 7:21; Matt. 4:1-11; Mk. 1:12-13; Lk. 4:1-13). Although this is most definitely sin from the person luring you, it is not sin for you until you give into the temptation. Giving into the temptation could be through an action that is sinful, or it could be internally through a sinful desire.

From within, disordered desires arise from our corrupted nature, wanting things contrary to God’s law. These desires are us tempting ourselves with evil, as we ‘lure and entice’ ourselves (Jas. 1:13-14). This means these desires are both sin (evil) and a temptation to further sin. Desires that are contrary to God’s law are sin because they are by definition lawlessness, a ‘failure to conform to God’s law.’ From this we see that sin begets sin. From the very moment sinful thoughts are conceived, they are sin and have the potential to give birth to sinful actions.

If you desire something sinful and yet do not act upon it, praise God! You did not let a sinful desire grow further, leading to more sin. You put that sin to death, but sin was present hence it required being killed. We are to confess sinful desires as actual instances of desiring to break God’s law. We are to turn from them in repentance, yet as we do, we should thank the Lord for empowering us through His Spirit to resist and flee from further sin.

Let me be clear, unnatural desires are sinful. This often raises the question: what is sexual attraction in the eyes of God versus the eyes of the world?

Understanding our inner, disordered desires as sin gives us an accurate understanding of ourselves. We are depraved sinners who crave sin. Even after we are born again with new hearts, we continue to wrestle with the lust of the flesh. Each of us struggle with a wide range of disordered (and therefore sinful) desires. Anger, greed, sexual immorality, deceit—our hearts are little idol-factories. It is amazing how many ways we can desire sin.

As we think about sexuality, any desire for sex with anyone outside a spouse within marriage is sin. If you are married, it is sin to desire sex with someone other than your spouse. If you are not married, it is sin to desire sex with any person of the opposite sex, whether you are single or dating. It is sin to desire sex with someone of the same sex. All disordered sexual desires are sin. While sexual desire for the opposite sex is ‘natural’ in that it reflects the fixed order of creation (not that it necessarily feels natural to us), sexual desire for the same sex is inherently ‘unnatural’ in that it is contrary to the fixed order of creation. Sexual desire for the opposite sex is sinful when it falls outside God’s design and intention. Sexual desire for the same sex is always sinful as it always falls outside of God’s design and intention.

Same-sex desire is therefore not ‘the same as being left-handed’ akin to genetic sexual attraction or something we are born with, often labeled as a fixed same sex attraction disorder by secular standards. This is a false dichotomy, confusing two different moral categories. Same-sex desires are inherently contrary to God’s law and thus morally wrong. Being left-handed (or even ambidextrous!) has no relation to God’s law and is therefore morally neutral.

Understanding our inner, disordered desires as sin should make us fix our eyes upon Christ and the freedom He has secured. We see our depravity, the constant sinning in our hearts, and we see everything Christ has paid for. Rather than being weighed down with guilt and shame, we should rejoice and laugh with amazement at the amazing, immeasurable grace of God in Christ. We should lean into the overwhelming grace and forgiveness found in Christ. Understanding that internal temptation is sin helps us see that we truly are sinners through and through, and this provides the foundation for genuine Christian guidance for same sex attraction. Yet we are new creations. We are no longer dead in our sins but have been made alive and able to fight against the flesh (Rom. 7:15-20). This is the beginning of understanding how to overcome same sex attraction—not by our own power, but by His.

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Reflection Questions:

1. How does defining sin as “any failure to conform to God’s law” (1 Jn. 3:4) challenge the way you usually think about your own desires and actions? Are there areas in your life where you may have considered desires or thought as ‘neutral,’ but Scripture would call sin?
2. How do you distinguish between temptation and sin in your life? Can you think of a time when you experienced temptation but did not give in? How did the Spirit help you resist?
3. Given Christ has defeated sin and that we are made alive in Him (Rom. 7:15-25), how does your awareness of your depravity and ongoing battle with sin deepen your appreciation for His grace?
4. How are you motivated to rely on the Spirit in your daily fight against sin?

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Part 3: Confession and Repentance

A common response to the previous chapter, particularly in conversations on same-sex desire and attraction, is that viewing disordered desires as sin unnecessarily heaps condemnation and guilt upon the believer. If disordered internal desires are sin, surely this results in the need to confess sin constantly and never being fully ‘right with God’?

While this objection is well-intentioned, often motivated by a desire to care for discouraged Christians, it misunderstands sin, God’s grace, our fallen nature, confession and repentance (and the distinctions between them). It is ultimately inconsistent.

If unconfessed sin leaves us never fully ‘right with God,’ then logically, confession of sin must be part of what makes us right with Him. This is to claim that unconfessed sin leaves those sins not-quite-fully paid for (otherwise we would be right with God). This would deny both that you are saved through faith in Christ alone (Jn. 3:16; Acts 10:43; Gal. 2:16; Eph. 2:8; Rom. 3:28; 5:1) and the once-for-all nature of Christ’s sacrifice (Jn. 19:30; Heb 7:27; 9:26; 10:10, 14). Confession, as we will see, is an important part of our lives as believers, but it does not save you. In Christ, all your sins (past, present, and future) are fully forgiven (Eph. 1:7; Col. 2:13; Heb. 8:12). As Richard Sibbes put so wonderfully, “there is more mercy in Christ than sin in us.”

If we do not confess our sin to make ourselves right with God then, why do we confess sin? What is confession? How does this relate to repentance?

What Is Confession?

Confession of sin is the act of recognizing a specific sin, being sorry for it, taking personal responsibility for it, and acknowledging it to God (sometimes also to others).

Confession cultivates a right perspective of sin. We see sin as God sees it, consenting to his judgment against it. We agree that our sin is real, wicked, and must be fought and killed. We do this as we hold the Word of God up to illuminate our hearts, as the accurate measure of all our thoughts and desires, actions and words. Through Scripture we come to see just how ugly our sin is.

As we accurately see sin, confession cultivates humility. We admit that we have done wrong and do not attempt to save face, either by minimizing the wrong or seeking to pass blame. It is more than a mere ‘I am sorry.’ We confess specific, concrete sins as we take ownership and acknowledge to God what we have done. Sin thrives in the darkness where it can fester and grow (Prov. 28:13a). Confession brings sin out into the open where it can be seen as it really is (Jn. 1:8; 3:19-21; Eph. 5:13; Ps. 32:5). This is the best way to fight sin in your life and a crucial step in learning how to deal with same sex attraction. Do you want sin to grow to rule over you? Keep it hidden. Do you want to put it to death? Humbly confess your sin to God and others (Jas. 5:16).

The desire to bring sin into the light comes only as a gift from God. Confession is enabled by the Holy Spirit. As children of God, we should be marked by a hatred of sin as God hates sin, and a desire to kill it in our lives. We will often fail at this. We experience a conflict between our sinful desire and our desire for the things of God (Rom. 7:15-25). However, if we are redeemed by Christ, we have a new, spiritually alive nature that desires the things of God. Because our life is hidden with Christ in God, we are therefore to put to death the sin in us (Col. 3:3, 5).

Most importantly, confession reminds us of the glorious salvation we have in Christ. When we confess our sins, God promises to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 Jn. 1:9; Prov. 28:13b). Confession does not cause forgiveness but rather flows from it. It shows we are truly in Christ as we acknowledge sin that has already been forgiven. It boldly declares the forgiveness found in Christ’s atoning blood. The reality of our sin would crush us under its weight, but confession reminds us of how much greater our salvation in Christ is. It reminds us that we are terrible sinners and yet Christ has redeemed us from sin (1 Tim. 1:15; Rom. 3:23-24; 2 Cor. 5:21).

In all this, through confession, we return to God having erred and strayed like a lost sheep. Confession of sin restores the communion with God which we broke. It restores the feeling of fellowship in our hearts even as God’s acceptance never changes. In confession, we return to Christ, the Great Physician, who heals us and restores us (Is. 53:5; 1 Pet. 2:24). In this way, confession forms a core part of repentance.

What Is Repentance?

Repentance is the act of seeing our sin, being grieved by it, confessing it, and turning from it to God. While confession is a crucial component of repentance, repentance itself is broader. Confession flows from seeing sin and being grieved by it, preceding turning. Repentance is the full process of turning 180 degrees from our sin and to God.

Repentance involves seeing our sin. We cannot repent for that which we do not see. Our hearts are deceitful (Jer. 17:9) and it is easy to fool ourselves into excusing sin. We want to avoid accountability and responsibility. So, the necessary first step of repentance is accurately seeing our sin for what it is.

Having seen our sin, repentance involves being grieved by our sin. It does no good to merely recognize wrongdoing. True repentance is marked by a godly grief (2 Cor. 7:9-11). Not merely worldly sorry for being caught, or sadness because sin’s effects are uncomfortable in your life. Godly grief is a sorrowfulness, a genuine sadness, at the presence of sin. We are, as in the beatitudes, ‘poor in spirit’ and ‘those who mourn.’ We feel sin’s weight and see its consequences from God’s perspective. We are to be heartily sorry as we recognize our sin as treason against a holy God, worthy of condemnation. Grief over sin develops into an earnestness to confess.

Repentance involves confessing our sin. The repentant heart does not seek to defend itself or provide excuses. We cannot repent of sin we hide. Rather, we honestly acknowledge that we have offended our holy and loving Father. We confess our failure, as David did in Psalm 51. Through confession, the despair of our sinfulness gives way to joy in Christ’s righteousness. We see that we are blessed, and in the assurance of God’s promised forgiveness we rest. As we recognize the loving kindness shown to us in Christ, we are motivated to forsake our sin.

Repentance involves turning from sin to God. A heart that rightly sees sin, grieves over it, and confesses it will also hate it (Rom. 12:9). When we hate sin, we flee from it. Our desire is to obey God and keep His commands, not transgress them. True repentance recognizes that God’s law is good. It motivates the believer to put to death anything that is contrary to this good law. Repentance motivates the believer to flee from temptation and to give no opportunity to the devil (Jas. 4:7; Eph. 4:27). If sin is departure from God, repentance is return to God (Acts 3:19; Is. 55:7). True repentance is marked by fruit as we live in keeping with our repentance and faith (Matt. 3:8; Eph. 2:8-10). The culmination of repentance is our return to God with renewed obedience and love. This turning is central for any Christian with same sex attraction, as it aligns the heart with God’s will.

Repentance is pictured in the parable of the Prodigal Son (Lk. 15:11-32). The son comes to see the bitterness of his sin. He does not seek to diminish it but rather humbly confesses and returns to his father. And the father welcomes his son back into his arms, just as God does with us when we turn back to Him.

Repentance recognizes that we are not just doers of sin but sinners by nature. It involves addressing both our specific, concrete sins and our deeper sin nature. It reaches both the root (original sin) and the fruit (actual sins). We confess actual sins individually, repenting of and forsaking them. We repent of our sin nature more broadly as we lament our sin, hate it more over time, and seek to put it to death in our hearts. Repentance deepens as we come to know more of how sinful we really are. Because we never escape indwelling sin until death, we will always need to repent. As we continually repent, we continually magnify the glory of God in Christ. In Him we find true comfort.

The life of the Christian is one of continual repentance. If you are a Christian who is struggling with same sex attraction, your life of repentance may have a particular recurring theme. This is no different to any of us. We all tend to struggle more with one sin or another. We all have our areas of sin that we spend most of our lives doing particular battle with. Yet even without knowing you, I can guarantee you also struggle with a host of other sins. Our corrupt nature is sadly predictable like that. Be careful not to be defined by one particular set of sinful desires. You are more than your sin. You are a redeemed sinner, saved by a gracious God. In Christ, you have been set free from your sin. All your sin has been forgiven in Him. Even while our focus may be mostly on the big areas of sin in our lives, we should be repenting of and fighting against all of it.

True repentance is marked by fruit. It involves a new resolve to fight sin and love God. We do not play with our sin. We do not try to get as close to it as possible without physically acting upon it. Sin is something we do and suffer; we should not embrace it as our identity. Sinful desires cannot be ‘sublimated’ or repurposed to holy means. Sin is sin and can only be sin. We should put our sinful desires to death and run from them as we run to God and seek to grow in holiness. This is the practical outworking of Christian faith and same sex attraction—a daily commitment to turning away from sin and turning toward Christ, learning how to overcome same sex attraction by walking in the Spirit.

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Reflection Questions:

1. How does the objection that needing to continually confess sin leaves you ‘never fully right with God’ distort and misunderstand the Gospel?
2. What are ways you are guilty of this same view of sin and confession?
3. Is the idea of repentance being a return to the God who never left you new for you? How might this redefine your understanding of both God and your sin?
4. What does repenting of same-sex desire look like practically? How might the categories of ‘seeing sin, being grieved by sin, confessing sin, turning from sin’ help answer how to deal with same sex attraction?

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Part 4: Sanctification

In the previous chapter, we talked about the process of turning from sin to God. Our lives should be marked by growth in likeness to Christ as we constantly flee from sin and pursue holiness. This growth in Christlikeness is commonly called sanctification, and it is central to understanding same sex attraction Gospel topics.

What Is Sanctification?

Sanctification is the process of being set apart (made holy). It is the renewal in us of the image of Christ. Throughout Scripture, we see this talked about in two ways: as both a definitive act and a progressive process.

Definitive

The New Testament often speaks of sanctification as something that has already happened to believers. Paul writes to ordinary Christians, still struggling with sin, and calls them “sanctified in Christ Jesus” and “saints,” meaning, “holy ones” (1 Cor. 1:2; see also Eph. 1:1; 4:12; Phil. 4:21). He reminds them, “you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified” (1 Cor. 6:11). Hebrews, likewise, says that believers “have been sanctified” through Jesus’s sacrifice “once for all” (Heb. 10:10). This means that at the moment a person puts their faith in Christ, God declares them holy and sets them apart as His own. United to Christ, believers share in the benefits of His death and resurrection (Rom. 6:3-5; 1 Cor. 1:30; Eph. 2:4-6).

This act changes our nature, such that the believer has died to sin and become a new creation in Christ (Rom. 6:2; 2 Cor. 5:17). It marks a definitive break from the dominion of sin, where sin no longer rules over us despite its continuing presence in this life. God declares us holy, not because of anything in us, but because we belong to Christ and are covered by His finished work. This is different to justification, where God declares the ungodly righteous and removes sin’s guilt (Rom. 4:5). In sanctification, God removes sin’s power, changing our nature so that we are constituted as righteous. This once-for-all setting apart at conversion is typically called ‘definitive’ sanctification and is the foundation for all our growth in holiness throughout the Christian life. This truth is the bedrock of Christian faith and same sex attraction.

Progressive

Being set apart as holy in Christ does not mean that believers are already perfect. There is a tension between what we already are, and what we are yet to be; an ‘already-not-yet’ to the Christian life. We are sanctified and are being sanctified. We have put off the old self and put on the new self in Christ (Gal. 3:27; Col. 3:9-10), and yet we “must put sin to death” and not let it reign in our bodies (Rom. 6:12). The Christian life is therefore marked by growth as we fight against sin and learn to walk in obedience to Christ (Rom. 6:12; Col. 1:10). This ongoing transformation is called ‘progressive’ sanctification.

If definitive sanctification answers who you already are in Christ, progressive sanctification addresses how that reality is worked out in everyday life. Progressive sanctification is the lifelong, Spirit-enabled process by which believers are increasingly freed from sin’s power and renewed into Christlikeness (Eph. 4:23-24; Col. 3:10).

Scripture accurately represents the believer’s continued struggle with sin, including those struggling with same sex attraction. Our ongoing battle is not a sign of death but of spiritual life. Besetting sins force us to cling to Christ and rely on Him. They make us long for heaven when sin will be no more. They humble us, bring us to repentance, and force us to depend upon Christ crucified. But we must remember that our sin is ultimately defeated. God provides grace sufficient to endure temptation (1 Cor. 10:13), so that believers are no longer enslaved to sinful desires but empowered to resist and increasingly overcome them. Progressive victory over sin is real: desires can be weakened, put to death, and in some cases overcome altogether as the Spirit renews us inwardly. Daily repentance is central to sanctification. Our new self is renewed and strengthened through the ongoing practice of turning from sin. We are not to be conformed to this world but to be transformed by the renewal of our minds (Rom. 12:2). What God has begun, He will surely bring to completion as we are sanctified until Christ’s return (Phil. 1:6; 1 Thess. 5:23).

The reality of definitive sanctification means that regardless of your current struggles with same-sex attraction, regardless of how you wrestle with sinful desires, you are sanctified. God views you as holy, just as Christ is holy. God has not only declared you free from the guilt and condemnation of sin, He has declared you one of his set apart holy ones. This is your fundamental identity.

We should also remember that progressive sanctification is a lifelong journey with ups and downs. This does not excuse our sin but encourages us to pick ourselves back up and keep fighting when we give in to our desires. And homosexual sin is not inescapable. In 1 Corinthians 6, Paul describes how “the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God” (v9). This includes “the sexually immoral” and “men who practice homosexuality” (v10). And yet, the very next verse declares “And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (v11). This is a key passage regarding same sex attraction in the Bible. What wonderful news! While desires may linger, we have been set free from our sin. If you have come out of an actively gay lifestyle, this no longer defines you. Such were you, but you were washed and sanctified. Praise God for his life-changing grace.

While we are not promised complete victory over any one sin in this life, this does not mean freedom is not possible. While heterosexuality is not the goal for the person struggling with same sex attraction as a Christian, sinful desires are not an unchanging reality. The world may teach this—often framing it as fixed genetic sexual attraction or a permanent same sex attraction disorder—but it is foreign to Scripture. Scripture tells you that in Christ, you are free from the reign of sin, providing real Christian help for same-sex attraction. We can be genuinely transformed with a new nature. This change cannot be coerced or forced, but it really happens. Some do see victory over their desires to the point of being able to get married, having previously been marked by same-sex desire. There are many who do not.

Heterosexuality is not the goal of sanctification. While ‘natural’ in their created purpose, heterosexual desires can be equally as disordered. The point of sanctification is to grow in Christlikeness. We may not be free from sin in this life, but we should see some growth over time as we mortify our sin to death in the power of the Spirit. One day we will be free from sin. This offers hope for how to overcome same sex attraction in the ultimate sense.

This should make us ruthless in killing our sin, from its very beginning as desires in our hearts. Sin seeks nothing less than your destruction. As John Owen famously warns, “always be killing sin or it will be killing you.” Sadly, many Christian leaders argue that same-sex desires are not sinful until acted upon. This misleads believers regarding same sex attraction and dampens the Spirit’s convicting work in their hearts. While we should take great care not to bind consciences where God’s Word does not bind, we should equally take great care not to endorse and encourage things that God’s Word clearly denounces as sin.

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Reflection Questions:

1. How does understanding definitive sanctification shape the way you view yourself in Christ? How do you view ongoing sin or sinful desires in light of this?
2. What specific sins can you currently call ‘put to death’ in light of progressive sanctification?
3. What are some sins you need to mortify that you have focused less on?
4. Looking at the fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23), where do you see evidence of God’s sanctifying work in your life?
5. How does the promise that God will complete the work He began in you (Phil. 1:6) encourage you to keep fighting sin, even when progress feels slow or uneven? How should this hope shape your response after failure?

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Part 5: Community in the Local Church

Fighting sin was never meant to be done alone. We are not strong enough to fight sin in our own power or wisdom. God has designed the local church to be a committed community of believers who walk together through the Christian life, helping one another resist sin, grow in holiness, and persevere in faith until the end. For a same-sex attracted Christian who struggles with desires, the local church is not a peripheral support.

Polity Matters: A Church That Takes Sin and Love Seriously

If the church is the God-ordained context for preserving holiness in His people, then how a church is ordered and led matters deeply. A church’s structure (its polity) inevitably shapes its culture and how its people live. How a church understands membership, discipline, and authority communicates what it truly believes about sin and salvation. This structure is often the unsung hero for those asking how to deal with same sex attraction within a faithful community.

First, meaningful church membership creates mutual responsibility. Membership is not consumer choice, it is a covenant where believers commit to each other’s spiritual growth, including holding each other accountable to God’s commands. In membership, an individual commits to the whole church, and the whole church commits to the individual. Church membership means inviting others to speak into your life, even if that speech is uncomfortable (Eph. 4:16-17). Members commit to living transparent lives, speaking truth in love, and loving each other enough to hold one another accountable in their Christian life. Church membership should mean something as we disciple each other, encourage each other, care for each other, and live openly with each other. This kind of vulnerability is essential when addressing same sex attraction.

Second, church discipline takes sin seriously. Church discipline is the process of confronting sin in the life of its members, whether as a private admonition or formal removal from membership, with the goal of restoration. Church discipline reflects and exalts Christ as it guards His name and glory. In a world that minimizes sin and treats personal desires as sacred, biblical church discipline stands as a countercultural witness. Scripture teaches that persistent, unrepentant sin is dangerous, not only for you but for the whole church body (1 Cor. 5:6-8). Even if confronting sin is difficult, it is commanded by God (Matt. 18:15-20). Church discipline is always with the goal of restoring the believer in repentance (1 Cor. 5:4; 2 Cor. 2:5-8; Gal. 6:1).

Church discipline follows through with the commitments of meaningful membership. How can we claim to be committed to each other’s spiritual wellbeing if we are not willing to follow through and speak hard truth? Through church discipline, we guard one another from the allure of sin. We remind each other of sin’s dangers and encourage one another in our fight. For someone struggling with same sex attraction, this safeguard is not an act of hostility, but an act of profound love, preserving them in the Christian faith and same sex attraction struggle by keeping them tethered to Christ.

A Culture of Discipling

Part of a healthy church is a culture of discipling. Fueled by meaningful membership, discipling is the act of walking alongside fellow Christians as we seek to bring each other to maturity in the faith (Eph. 4:14-16; Col. 1:28; Rom. 15:1-2; 1 Thess. 5:11). Programs and structures cannot create this, nor can mere policy statements about same sex attraction; what is needed is shared life shaped by intentional relationships.

At the heart of discipling is allowing yourself to be truly known. Sin thrives in secrecy. Growth requires bringing it into the light. Scripture repeatedly connects spiritual health with walking in the light together as we confess sin, pray for one another, and bear each other’s burdens and sorrows (Jas. 5:16; Gal. 6:2). This means we should have genuine openness with other Christians. It might only be one or two people, or might be many, depending on your personal relational abilities. But Scripture is clear that the Christian faith is not a lone-ranger faith. A discipling culture encourages honest accountability where Christians can be open with each other and humbly admit when we are struggling. A discipling church makes it clear that all Christians are engaged in a battle with sin. Those struggling with same sex attraction do not face a special category that disqualifies someone from fellowship; their desires are a particular manifestation of the human struggle with sin.

Discipling involves encouragement and strengthening. Nobody thrives and grows on rebuke alone. We need reminders of the Gospel: the grace we have received, our sins forgiven by God; hope of resurrection. A robust discipling culture keeps our eyes trained on what is yet to come, as we long for Christ’s return and sin to be no more. In church community, we can learn from more mature saints who have learnt through decades of obedience, suffering, repentance, and joy. They encourage us to continue fighting and are evidence of the power of the Spirit in overcoming sin.

Discipling also requires friendship. In a world obsessed with eroticism and romantic love, a vision of Christian friendship must be regained. Friendship is shown in Scripture as a profound good, capable of bearing immense spiritual and emotional weight. For Christians called to costly obedience, especially lifelong singleness—a reality for many same sex attraction Christian believers—friendship is not a consolation prize. It is a God-given means of love, joy, and belonging. A church culture of discipling should be intentional in cultivating friendships that are real, sacrificial, and permanent. In this, we provide a preview of heaven where we will not be given in marriage but will be united to the Lamb as His bride, the church (Rev. 19:6-9).

Compelling Community

Church community is not just formative, it is evangelistic. Jesus taught that love among Christians would be a witness to the watching world (Jn. 13:34-35). A community marked by truth, grace, and sacrificial love is profoundly compelling in a culture that is increasingly fractured. In a world filled with loneliness and empty searching, the genuine community of the church stands out. A church grounded in God’s design gives stability to a world full of identity confusion and offers a unique hope not found elsewhere. Love is not mere affirmation. It is a willing commitment to a person’s good and the church’s combination of conviction and compassion displays this clearly. When unbelievers witness Christians loving others unlike themselves, united in evidently supernatural ways as they bear each other’s burdens, provide for each other, forgive one another, and persevere together in obedience, they see living evidence for the truth of the Gospel.

The desire within each of us to belong and to be loved is not inherently sexual. It is fundamentally human, as we are created with a deep desire to be known and loved by God. Our deepest need is not met through sexual fulfilment but through reconciliation to God. The church must be careful not to reinforce the cultural assumption that sexual intimacy is the primary form of human connection. Same-sex desires cannot be ‘sublimated’ into abstract spiritual activity and ‘chosen people’ are not a sinless loophole for same-sex partnerships. This perspective is one of the most important same sex attraction Gospel topics: belonging is not dependent upon sexual expression. It is grounded in union with Christ. Those who forgo sexual relationships for the sake of Christ are not condemned to a lesser life. As they deny themselves and take up their cross, they find life in its fullest (Matt. 16:24-27). You are not losing out on love, you are committed to a far deeper, infinitely longer lasting form of it.

The local church is meant to be a living demonstration of the Gospel as repentance and forgiveness are lived out. Its life together should testify that Christ is better than sin and obedience, while costly, is worth every penny. The church is not perfect in this life, but it is a place where imperfect people are welcomed, sinners are changed, and saints are formed for glory. In church community, you will never walk alone, finding the ultimate form of same sex attraction Christian help.

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Reflection Questions:

1. Why is fighting sin not something God intends for us to do alone? What are some ways you have positively or negatively experienced Christian community in your fight for holiness?
2. What makes it hard for you to be genuinely known by other Christians? Is there anything you can share with a discipler that could help them minister to you better?
3. How can you strive to build genuine, godly friendships in the church?

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About the Author

JACOB HARGRAVE is currently working on his Ph.D. at the University of Cambridge. Prior moving to Cambridge with his wife and children, he served as a Pastoral Assistant at Capitol Hill Baptist Church in Washington, D.C.

#41 Gratitude & Appreciation: Cultivating a Grateful Heart

Part 1: Understanding Gratitude through the Holy Scriptures

Key Scripture: 1 Thessalonians 5:18

“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

Most of us think gratitude is something as simple as saying “thank you” when someone does a kind thing for us. But according to the Bible, gratitude is so much more. It is not just about the words but about cultivating a grateful heart. Being truly grateful is not just reacting to good moments; it is choosing a grateful heart that recognizes God’s greatness in every situation, even when life feels uncertain or unfair.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 reminds us to give thanks in all circumstances. This verse teaches us that a grateful heart is not built on perfect outcomes, but on trust in God’s sovereignty. Gratitude, from a biblical perspective, means trusting that God is working—even when we don’t understand how or why.

Gratitude Comes From The Heart

What we say in specific situations does not fully reveal gratitude; rather, it is the condition of our grateful heart that shapes how we see the world and respond to life’s challenges. It is easy to maintain a grateful heart when life is going well, but the true test comes when plans fall apart, prayers feel unanswered, or seasons become difficult.

Choosing to say, “Even though these are hard times, I will trust God,” reflects a grateful heart rooted in faith, not comfort. A grateful heart focuses on God’s faithfulness instead of dwelling on what is missing. It shifts attention from lack to grace.

As we learn to thank God for who He is—not just for what He gives—our grateful heart matures. Gratitude is no longer dependent on circumstances but anchored in God’s unchanging love. This is where peace grows, faith deepens, and gratitude becomes a daily way of living rather than a temporary response.

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Worldly Gratitude Vs Biblical Gratitude

The world often defines gratitude as a reaction to comfort, success, or favorable circumstances. People are encouraged to feel thankful when life is easy, goals are achieved, or desires are fulfilled. This kind of gratitude is conditional—it depends on what is going well. Biblical gratitude, however, goes much deeper. Gratitude in the Bible is not rooted in circumstances but in trust in God’s character and faithfulness.

Scripture repeatedly teaches that a grateful heart is not formed only in moments of abundance, but also in seasons of difficulty. The Bible calls believers to give thanks with a grateful heart even when life feels uncertain, because gratitude is ultimately directed toward God Himself, not toward outcomes. This is why gratitude to God is an act of faith—it acknowledges that He is good, even when situations are hard.

James 1:17 reminds us, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” This verse reflects one of the central themes of gratitude in the Bible: everything we have, from the smallest daily provision to the greatest blessings, comes from God. A grateful heart recognizes God’s hand not only in miracles, but also in ordinary moments we often overlook—life, breath, relationships, strength, and provision.

The Bible is filled with Bible verses about gratitude that call believers to thank God consistently, not selectively. In Psalm 107:1, we read, “Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever.” This verse does not attach gratitude to comfort—it anchors gratitude in God’s unchanging love. Similarly, Colossians 3:17 encourages believers to live every part of life with gratitude to God, saying, “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.”

But what happens when life feels overwhelming, when prayers seem unanswered, or when disappointment sets in? Biblical gratitude does not deny pain. Instead, it chooses trust. Giving thanks during hardship is not pretending everything is fine—it is choosing to believe that God is still present and still working. This is why Scripture repeatedly connects a grateful heart with peace, endurance, and spiritual maturity.

When we give thanks with a grateful heart in difficult seasons, we declare that our faith is rooted in God, not in circumstances. This kind of gratitude strengthens our relationship with Him and reshapes how we view trials. Instead of seeing suffering as abandonment, gratitude helps us see it as a place where God can meet us, sustain us, and grow us.

In contrast to worldly gratitude, which fades when comfort disappears, gratitude in the Bible is steady, intentional, and worshipful. It draws us closer to God, reminds us of His faithfulness, and teaches us to trust Him fully—no matter what season we are walking through.

How Gratitude Alters Our Perspective

Without a grateful heart, it’s easy to focus on everything that feels wrong in our lives. Comparison takes over, frustration grows, and negativity begins to shape how we see the world. But gratitude changes that lens. When we choose gratitude, we begin to notice goodness even in difficult seasons. A grateful heart doesn’t deny hardship—it refuses to let hardship define reality.

Learning how to practice gratitude helps shift our focus from what is missing to what God has already provided. This doesn’t mean ignoring problems or pretending life is perfect. Instead, it means acknowledging God’s blessings while trusting Him to help us work through our challenges. Over time, this shift in perspective brings peace, clarity, and hope.

Gratitude Strengthens Our Faith

Each time we thank God in all circumstances, our faith grows stronger. Saying, “I don’t have to see the whole picture to know God is in control,” is one way we express gratitude rooted in trust rather than certainty. A grateful heart recognizes that faith is not built on visible outcomes but on confidence in God’s character.

This kind of faith sustains us in life’s hardest moments. It reminds us that our security is not based on circumstances but on God’s goodness and faithfulness. Psalm 136:1 says, “Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever.” These words highlight one of the greatest benefits of gratitude—it anchors our hearts in God’s unchanging love, even when life feels unstable.

How Gratitude Impacts Our Daily Lives

When gratitude becomes a habit, it influences every area of life. A grateful heart changes how we pray, how we think, and how we relate to others.

– Gratitude in prayer – We approach God not only with requests but with thankfulness for what He has already done.
– Gratitude in our thoughts – Instead of dwelling on problems, we intentionally remember God’s past faithfulness.
– Gratitude in relationships – We learn to appreciate people more deeply, to express gratitude sincerely, and to stop taking others for granted.

These are practical ways of how to practice gratitude daily. Over time, the benefits of gratitude become visible—we grow more joyful, more content, and more aware of God’s presence in our lives.

A Life Rooted in Thankfulness

At its core, gratitude is about trust—trust that God is at work, that He is faithful, and that His plans are good. A grateful heart does not pretend life is perfect. Instead, it acknowledges God’s mercy and presence in every season. This posture of thankfulness transforms how we walk through both joy and pain.

Choosing to live with gratitude deepens our relationship with God and brings lasting peace. One of the greatest benefits of gratitude is learning to rest in God’s love instead of striving for control. When we consistently express gratitude, we become more grounded, more hopeful, and more confident in God’s care.

Take a moment to pause and reflect. Look around you. Recognize God’s presence in the ordinary and the unexpected. Cultivating a grateful heart—day by day—is the essence of living a life shaped by true gratitude.

How Gratitude Strengthens Our Faith and Relationships

Gratitude has the ability to change everything in a person’s life. When someone chooses to live with gratitude, their heart becomes softer, their focus shifts, and their attention moves toward what truly matters. Learning how to express gratitude is not just about polite words—it is about developing a mindset that recognizes God’s presence in everyday life. Instead of constantly worrying about what is missing, a grateful person begins to appreciate what God has already provided. This change in perspective strengthens faith and deeply enriches relationships with others.

Gratitude Reminds Us of God’s Goodness

Life is unpredictable. Some days are filled with joy, while others feel heavy and exhausting. Yet God’s goodness remains constant, regardless of circumstances. The Bible repeatedly reminds us of this truth, and one powerful Bible verse about gratitude says: “Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise His name” (Psalm 100:4).

This verse shows that gratitude is not optional—it is central to our relationship with God. Offering a prayer of gratitude to God helps us draw closer to Him, reminding us that He is always present, always providing, and always loving. Gratitude shifts our focus from fear to trust and from lack to abundance.

Even in difficult seasons, there is always something for which we can thank God. It may be the friend who stood by you during a hard time, the peace you felt in the middle of stress, or the quiet growth happening within your faith. These moments become clearer when we intentionally practice how to express gratitude in our daily lives.

As we begin to notice God’s blessings—both big and small—gratitude becomes an act of faith. Recognizing God’s goodness in everyday moments strengthens our trust in Him and deepens our spiritual walk. Over time, a life marked by gratitude transforms not only how we see God, but also how we relate to others, fostering patience, humility, and genuine love.

Gratitude Enhances Our Relationships

Appreciation is a feeling we carry within us, and when it grows into a grateful heart, it begins to shape how we relate to others. A grateful heart does more than improve our mood—it strengthens our relationships by helping us recognize the value of the people God has placed in our lives. Practicing gratitude allows us to acknowledge effort, kindness, and presence instead of taking them for granted.

Think of a time when someone genuinely thanked you. Words like
“I appreciate you” or “Thank you for being there” may seem simple, but they carry deep meaning. Expressing gratitude affirms others and reminds them that they matter. This is one of the most practical ways of learning how to show gratitude in everyday relationships.

Appreciation works both ways. When we choose to recognize someone’s kindness—whether through words, actions, or a supportive attitude—it strengthens mutual trust. Over time, practicing gratitude creates a culture where encouragement becomes natural. When people consistently practice expressing gratitude, relationships grow healthier, warmer, and more resilient.

Colossians 3:15 says, “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” This verse reminds us that thankfulness is closely tied to unity. A grateful heart helps preserve peace, especially within relationships, by shifting our focus from frustration to appreciation.

Thankfulness Overcomes Negativity

When a friend disappoints you, a family member irritates you, or a coworker tests your patience, negativity can quickly take over. Venting feels natural, but it often deepens frustration. Practicing gratitude, however, has the power to redirect our thoughts.

Your spouse may forget small responsibilities but still shows up when it matters most. Friends may not always be present, yet they stand by you in moments of need. Coworkers may have flaws but still contribute in meaningful ways. Learning how to show gratitude helps us see the full picture instead of fixating on shortcomings.

When we choose gratitude, our perspective changes. A grateful heart allows us to respond with grace rather than resentment, replacing criticism with understanding.

Appreciation Leads To Stronger Bonds

Respect and love grow deeper when gratitude becomes a habit. Whether in marriage, friendship, or family, expressing gratitude strengthens emotional bonds and builds trust.

Ephesians 4:29 reminds us, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up.” Practicing gratitude means choosing words that encourage rather than tear down. Instead of harsh judgment, we offer grace. Instead of constant complaints, we choose appreciation.

A grateful heart also makes forgiveness easier. When we focus on what is good in others, minor offenses lose their power. Gratitude reminds us that everyone, including ourselves, is in need of grace.

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Discussion: Why Are You Thankful Today?

Pause for a moment and reflect. What has God done in your life recently that you appreciate? Who has supported you, encouraged you, or simply been present?

How to show gratitude may be as simple as a message, a kind word, or a sincere thank-you. Appreciation is not limited to gifts—it is a response of the heart. When we nurture a grateful heart and continue practicing gratitude, we strengthen faith, deepen relationships, and create space for joy to grow in every season of life.

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Part 2: Overcoming Obstacles to Gratitude

Key Scripture: Philippians 4:6-7

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation… present your requests to God with thanksgiving.”

Gratitude sounds simple—just be thankful, right? But in reality, it’s not always easy. There are things that get in the way, such as thoughts and attitudes, that make it hard to recognize God’s blessings. Sometimes, we’re so focused on what’s missing that we forget to appreciate what we already have.

Philippians 4:6-7 reminds us, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

This verse doesn’t just tell us to pray—it tells us to pray with thanksgiving. It’s a choice we make in every situation. But to truly live with gratitude, we have to recognize what’s holding us back.

The Barrier of Entitlement

One of the biggest obstacles to gratitude is entitlement—the belief that we deserve more than what we have. It’s easy to slip into the mindset of thinking, I should have more money. I should be further in life. I should have a better job, a bigger house, or an easier life.

Entitlement convinces us that what we have isn’t enough. Instead of being thankful, we feel frustrated that things aren’t exactly the way we want them to be. But the truth is, everything we have is a gift from God.

James 1:17 says, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights.” That means nothing we have is owed to us—it’s all given by God’s grace.

When we recognize that, gratitude starts to take over. Instead of feeling like we deserve more, we start appreciating what God has already provided. We stop focusing on what’s missing and start recognizing how much we’ve been blessed.

Comparison: The Thief of Gratitude

Another major gratitude blocker is comparison. We live in a world where it’s easier than ever to see what others have. Social media constantly reminds us of people who seem to be doing better—better jobs, better vacations, better lives. And when we compare ourselves to others, we start feeling like we’re falling behind.

Instead of thanking God for what we have, we focus on what we don’t have. We see someone else’s success and feel discouraged. We see their blessings and forget our own.

But here’s the truth: comparison is a lie. It makes us believe that someone else’s journey is connected to ours. But God’s plan for you is unique. What He is doing in someone else’s life has no impact on what He is doing in yours.

Galatians 6:4 reminds us, “Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else.”

When we let go of comparison, we free ourselves to focus on what God is doing in our own lives. We start appreciating our own blessings instead of constantly measuring them against others.

Negativity and the Power of Perspective

Negativity is another thing that blocks gratitude. When we’re constantly focused on what’s wrong, it’s hard to see what’s right.

Life is not always easy. There will be struggles, disappointments, and setbacks. But when we let negativity take over, we miss out on the joy of the present moment.

Gratitude isn’t about ignoring problems—it’s about choosing to see the good even in the middle of them. It’s about recognizing that God is still working, even when life is difficult.

Colossians 3:15 says, “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts… and be thankful.” Peace and gratitude go hand in hand. When we focus on what God has done, we find peace in knowing He is still in control.

Choosing Gratitude in Difficult Times

One of the hardest things about gratitude is practicing it when life feels unfair. It’s easy to be thankful when things are going well. But what about when they’re not?

The Bible doesn’t tell us to only give thanks when life is perfect. It tells us to give thanks in all circumstances.

That means thanking God even when things aren’t going as planned. It means trusting that He is working, even when we can’t see it yet.

Romans 8:28 reminds us, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.” That means even in the hard times, God is doing something good.

Breaking Free from Gratitude Blockers

If entitlement, comparison, or negativity has been getting in the way of your gratitude, it’s time to break free.

Start by shifting your focus. Instead of looking at what’s missing, start noticing what’s already there.

Instead of saying, Why don’t I have more? Say, Thank You, God, for what I do have.

Instead of thinking, Their life looks better than mine, say, God’s plan for me is good, and I trust Him.

Instead of dwelling on what’s wrong, start looking for what’s right.

Gratitude isn’t about having a perfect life—it’s about having a heart that sees God’s goodness in every season.

How Trusting God Helps Us Remain Thankful in Tough Times

Gratitude comes naturally when life is good. When prayers are answered, when things go as planned, when blessings are obvious—it’s easy to say, Thank You, God. But what about when life is hard? When things fall apart, when prayers seem unanswered, when struggles feel overwhelming—how do we remain thankful then?

The answer isn’t found in pretending everything is fine. It’s found in trusting God.

Gratitude in difficult times is not about ignoring pain or forcing a smile when things hurt. It’s about believing that, even in the struggle, God is still good. It’s about knowing that His plans are greater than our circumstances and that He is working, even when we can’t see it yet.

Why Gratitude Feels Difficult in Hard Seasons

When life gets tough, gratitude often feels out of reach. In those moments, our natural instinct is to focus on the problem in front of us. We ask questions like:

Why is this happening? Where is God in this? What if things don’t get better?

Hard times bring uncertainty. They make us feel like we’ve lost control. And when we feel uncertain, it’s hard to see the good.

But here’s the truth: God is still present in the struggle. Just because life feels uncertain doesn’t mean God is absent. He is still working, still guiding, still providing—just maybe in ways we don’t understand yet.

When we trust that God is still in control, even when things don’t make sense, gratitude starts to take root. We begin to see that there are still blessings, even in the broken places.

Choosing Gratitude When Life Feels Unfair

It’s easy to be grateful when everything is going well, but what about when life feels unfair? When you lose a job, when relationships break down, when dreams don’t go as planned—how do you still give thanks?

The Bible calls us to stay thankful “in all” circumstances because a grateful heart isn’t only for the good days. It’s for the hard ones, too—not because we enjoy the struggle, but because we trust that God is doing something greater than we can see right now. That’s the heart behind so many scriptures on gratitude, and it’s exactly what a gratitude scripture is meant to form in us: steady trust, not shallow optimism.

Joseph in the Bible is a clear example of this. Joseph’s life was marked by betrayal, yet God was always at work. As his father’s favorite son, Joseph’s brothers grew jealous of him, especially after he shared dreams of his future leadership (Genesis 37:5-8). Their envy turned to hatred, and they threw him into a pit before selling him into slavery (Genesis 37:23-28).

Joseph didn’t see the purpose in his pain at that moment, but he trusted that God was still in control. What looked like a terrible situation was actually part of a greater plan—and that’s what a grateful heart learns over time: God can be faithful even when life feels unfair.

Faith and Gratitude Go Hand in Hand

Gratitude is not just about feeling thankful—it’s an act of faith. It’s choosing to say, “God, I don’t understand this, but I trust You anyway.” A grateful heart doesn’t pretend everything is okay; it refuses to stop believing that God is still good.

When Paul wrote to the Philippians, he wasn’t in a comfortable situation. He was in prison. Yet he still encouraged believers to turn to God in every situation with prayer and thanksgiving, assuring them that God’s peace would guard their hearts and minds. This is where scriptures on gratitude become real: they don’t only work in peaceful seasons; they hold you up in painful ones. A gratitude scripture isn’t meant to silence your pain—it’s meant to anchor your faith while you feel it.

Paul was in chains, yet he still chose gratitude. He knew that no prison, hardship, or suffering could take away the peace that comes from trusting God. This is what gratitude looks like during hard times: not stepping on the pain, but choosing not to let it take your faith. Trusting that God’s goodness does not depend on circumstances. That’s a grateful heart in action, shaped by scriptures on gratitude that teach endurance, not denial.

How Trusting God Changes Our Perspective

When we don’t trust God, our struggles feel bigger than they are. Every problem seems overwhelming, every setback feels final, every hardship feels like it will never end.

But when we trust God, we start to see our struggles differently. Instead of focusing on what’s wrong, we start looking for what God is doing—and that shift is often the beginning of a grateful heart.

Trust allows us to say:

– This situation is hard, but God is still good.
– I don’t have all the answers, but God is still in control.
– I don’t see the way forward yet, but God is already making a way.

Psalm 46:1 says, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” That means that in every struggle, God is there. And if He is there, we can trust that we are never alone.

That’s why scriptures on gratitude matter so much—they keep bringing us back to God’s presence. One gratitude scripture can steady your mind when everything feels unstable.

Finding Gratitude in the Small Things

Sometimes, when life is hard, we miss the small blessings. We are so focused on the big problem that we don’t notice the little ways God is still showing up. But a grateful heart learns to notice what pain tries to hide.

Gratitude often starts with the little things:

– A friend who checks in on you.
– A moment of peace on a stressful day.
– The strength to get through one more step.
– A reminder of God’s promises when you need them most.

When we stop and notice these moments, our faith grows. We realize that, even in the hardest seasons, God has not abandoned us. He is still providing, still loving, still walking with us. This is the lived purpose of scriptures on gratitude—to train a grateful heart to see God’s care in real time. And sometimes, one gratitude scripture is enough to help you keep going for another day.

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Discussion: What Makes It Hard to Be Grateful Sometimes?

Take a moment to reflect. What are the things that make gratitude difficult for you? Is it fear of the future? Disappointment? A struggle that doesn’t seem to end?

It’s okay to admit that gratitude is hard sometimes. The good news is that God understands. He doesn’t expect us to have it all figured out. He just invites us to trust Him, one step at a time.

Gratitude in tough times is not about ignoring pain. It’s about choosing to believe that God is still working, still good, and still with you—even in the hardest moments. And when we trust that, we can remain thankful, no matter what—because a grateful heart is built through faith, strengthened by scriptures on gratitude, and renewed every time we cling to a gratitude scripture when life feels unfair.

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Part 3: Expressing Appreciation to God and Others

Key Scripture: Colossians 3:17

“And whatever you do… do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”

Gratitude is more than just a thought—it’s something we express. It’s easy to feel thankful, but unless we show it, the impact often gets lost. True appreciation is meant to be seen, heard, and shared. It deepens our connection with God and strengthens our relationships with others.

Colossians 3:17 reminds us, “And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” This means that gratitude is not just an occasional feeling but a lifestyle. Every action, every word, and every interaction is an opportunity to reflect a heart of gratitude.

But how do we do this? How can we turn gratitude from just a nice idea into something we practice daily?

Showing Appreciation to God

God’s blessings can get easily overlooked. We get trapped in our schedules, shifting from one activity to another, and often forget to recognize the one who provides us with everything. However, remembering all He has done helps transform our lives. Everything including his presence, creation’s beauty, or life lessons showcases his goodness.

One of the many ways to appreciate God is through prayer. Not asking for things but thanking Him for what He has already provided. Instead of requesting the Lord for things, begin your prayer by saying ‘Thank You’ or ‘Thank you for today. For the people around me, thank you for guiding me.’ Through worship, expressing gratitude is made simple. Worship goes beyond just singing. It comprises turning our hearts to Him and paying attention to His awesomeness so as to respond with thankfulness. Through music, journaling, or simple verbiage of gratitude, worship moves our hearts to him.

Psalm 95:2 says, “Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song.” This means that when we worship God, it reminds us of who He is and how His gratitude flows naturally from a place of awe and reverence.

Being Grateful To The Lord Through Our Actions

Gratitude is not just something we say, it is expressed through our actions. The best way to show gratitude and appreciation is through how we live. When we appreciate what God has given, we care for it.

That means being a good steward of our time, talents, and resources. It means taking care of our relationships, being generous with our kindness, and using what we have to bless others.

In Matthew 25:21, Jesus said, “Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things.” When we show God how gracious we are by being faithful and taking care of the gifts He has given us, we put God in the position to trust us and bless us with more gifts.

An open, gracious heart encourages others. It makes it easier for one to spread kindness to others. This can be done in the form of:

– Helping someone overcome their struggles.
– It’s like lending something with nothing in return.
– Giving to others selflessly with joy so that it does not feel like an obligation.

Expressing Gratitude Towards Others

When it comes to relationships, gratitude goes a long way. It isn’t solely reserved for God. Gratitude can positively change how we interact with one another. Try saying “Thank you” each time someone does anything for you, whether that’s small or big. Often, we have no idea how much power these two words carry. A “thank you” is capable of uplifting someone’s spirit, healing old wounds, and strengthening bonds.

Think of the people in your life who supported, encouraged, or even stood by you. How many times do you express gratitude and tell them how much they mean to you?

More so, we also take what people do and say for granted and assume they already know we appreciate them. With words, we can turn dry appreciation into something meaningful. A kind note, warm conversation, or a well-thought-out message can do wonders because words matter.

In Ephesians 4:29, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

Gratitude-filled words go a long way. Giving others a soothing effect and reminding them how important they are.

Gratitude is not only shown through words but also expressed in action. Helping, being patient, and offering support, especially during a friend’s tough time, are all small gestures showing appreciation. And in return, it can make your friend feel special.

Creating a Daily Habit of Gratitude

Developing a lifestyle of gratitude doesn’t happen overnight. It takes intentionality. But the more we practice it, the more natural it becomes.

Here are a few ways to cultivate gratitude every day:

– Start and end the day with thankfulness. Before you get out of bed, thank God for a new day. Before you sleep, reflect on what you’re grateful for.
– Write it down. Keep a gratitude journal where you jot down things you appreciate each day.
– Say it out loud. Tell people how much you appreciate them. Be specific about what they mean to you.
– Pause to notice the little things. A sunrise, a warm meal, a kind word—there are blessings all around when we take the time to see them.
– Turn complaints into gratitude. Instead of saying, “I have to do this,” try saying, “I get to do this.” Shifting perspective changes everything.

Gratitude is one of the simplest yet most powerful ways to draw closer to God and to others. It changes our hearts, strengthens our relationships, and helps us focus on what truly matters. But it’s not just about feeling thankful—it’s about expressing it.

Cultivating a Habit of Appreciation in Words and Actions

Gratitude is not just something we feel—it’s something we do. It’s a habit, a daily practice that shapes the way we see the world, interact with others, and grow in our faith. The more we practice appreciation, the more it becomes second nature. And the more we express gratitude, the more we notice things to be grateful for.

But forming a habit of gratitude doesn’t happen overnight. It takes intention, consistency, and a willingness to change our perspective. Many people think gratitude is only for big, life-changing moments, but in reality, it’s found in the small, everyday things—the things we often overlook.

Why Gratitude Needs to Be Intentional

As life becomes busy and stressful, it’s easy to forget to show appreciation. More often than not, if gratitude is not intentional, it’s something we only practice when things are good.

It is easy to think we have to wait for good circumstances to be grateful, but true gratitude is much more than that. It is the ability to see the blessings even in difficult times. As quoted in Psalm 118:24, “This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Every day is a blessing, and it is our choice whether to appreciate it or complain about what’s wrong.

Now, the question is, how do these routines help make gratitude an everyday thing? From repeating the process so often, at what point does being grateful stop being an option one has to decide on and instead become something one does naturally, every day without thinking?

Expressing Appreciation in Daily Life

Gratitude should be expressed in words. For example, when someone says, “I have so much to do today,” a more appreciative phrase would be, “I’m grateful for the opportunities I have.” Or consider saying, “Thank You, God, for what I already have” instead of “I wish I had more.” Moreover, rather than keeping appreciation silent, it is always nice to tell people, “I appreciate you.”

Appreciation isn’t meant to be dormant. It must be verbalized. It must be expressed in day-to-day conversation—the appreciation has to come out of the mouth. Whether it is expressing gratitude for a blessing or appreciating something done by someone else, it has to be recognized promptly and verbally.

Words infused with gratitude seem to have dual benefits—the one who receives it and feels appreciated, as well as the person who extends it, appreciates it and becomes grounded in reality and reminded of all the good that is around him or her. Hence, it becomes truly important to express oneself in words and also extend praises within a community.

Proverbs 16:24 says, ‘Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.'”

Showing Appreciation Through Actions

Gratitude is more than words—it’s also about what we do. A thankful heart naturally leads to acts of kindness, generosity, and thoughtfulness.

Think about the people in your life who have helped you, encouraged you, or simply been there for you. How often do you show them you appreciate them? Not just with words, but with actions?

– Writing a heartfelt note to someone who has impacted your life.
– Helping a friend or family member without being asked.
– Going out of your way to thank someone for their efforts.
– Being present and attentive when someone needs support.

Even small gestures—like a smile, a kind message, or taking time to listen—can make a big difference. Gratitude is best expressed not just through what we say but through how we treat others.

Turning Gratitude into a Daily Practice

Gratitude is like a muscle—the more you use it, the stronger it gets. The easiest way to build the habit is to work it into daily routines.

One simple habit is starting and ending each day with gratitude. Before you even get out of bed, take a moment to thank God for another day. Before you sleep, reflect on at least one thing you’re grateful for.

Another habit is keeping a gratitude journal. Writing down even just a few things each day that you appreciate helps train your mind to focus on the good.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” When we make gratitude a daily habit, it becomes part of who we are—not just something we do when life is easy.

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Discussion: How Can You Express Gratitude More Often?

Gratitude is meant to be shared. It’s not just about feeling thankful—it’s about expressing it in ways that impact our faith, our relationships, and our daily lives.

So, take a moment to reflect:

– Are there people in your life you haven’t thanked recently?
– How often do you express appreciation to God in prayer?
– What small daily habits could you start to help gratitude become second nature?

Maybe it’s setting a reminder to thank God every morning. Maybe it’s making an effort to compliment and encourage the people around you. Maybe it’s choosing to see the good in a tough situation instead of focusing on the negatives.

Whatever it is, the key is intentionality. The more we practice gratitude, the more natural it becomes. And the more we express it, the more we inspire others to do the same.

Gratitude isn’t just something we do—it’s a way of life. And when we make it a habit, it changes everything.

Part 4: Living a Life of Thankfulness

Key Scripture: Psalm 100:4

“Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise…”

Gratitude is more than just a temporary feeling—it’s a way of life. It’s easy to be thankful when something good happens, but real gratitude goes deeper. It’s not just about reacting to blessings; it’s about choosing to see life through a lens of appreciation, no matter the circumstances.

Psalm 100:4 says, “Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name.” This verse is a reminder that thankfulness isn’t just something we practice when everything is going well—it’s an attitude we carry with us daily.

But how do we make gratitude a lifestyle? How do we shift from being thankful only when things go our way to having a heart of thankfulness in every season of life?

Shifting from Temporary Gratitude to Lasting Thankfulness

Many people view gratitude as something that comes and goes, depending on their circumstances. When life is smooth, they are full of appreciation. When things get tough, gratitude fades. But true thankfulness isn’t supposed to be temporary. It’s a mindset, a perspective, and a way of living.

This doesn’t mean we have to pretend everything is perfect. It means we learn to see God’s goodness even in our struggles. We trust that He is working, even when we don’t understand.

Thankfulness isn’t about ignoring reality—it’s about acknowledging that no matter what’s happening, there is always something to be grateful for. Even when we are in pain, we can thank God for His presence. Even in uncertainty, we can thank Him for His faithfulness. Gratitude becomes a constant, not just a reaction.

A Thankful Heart Changes Everything

When we commit to living a life of thankfulness, it transforms how we see the world. It affects our attitude, our relationships, and even our faith.

– It brings joy. A thankful heart focuses on what is good rather than what is missing. Instead of dwelling on disappointments, it recognizes the blessings that are already there.
– It strengthens faith. When we make gratitude a daily practice, we start to see how God is working in every situation, and our trust in Him grows.
– It deepens relationships. People who express thankfulness regularly are more positive, more encouraging, and more loving toward others.

Thankfulness doesn’t change our circumstances, but it does change our perspective. It allows us to navigate life with more peace, even when things don’t go as planned.

Choosing Gratitude in Every Season

It’s easy to be thankful when life is full of answered prayers and open doors. But what about in seasons of waiting? What about when life feels uncertain, when challenges arise, or when things don’t turn out the way we hoped?

The Bible doesn’t say to only be thankful when life is easy. It tells us to give thanks for all things.

That means choosing gratitude even when:

– Prayers haven’t been answered yet.
–*Life feels overwhelming.
– We don’t have everything we want.
– We’re facing difficulties.

This doesn’t mean we have to be thankful for struggles. But we can be thankful for them. We can thank God for His strength, His guidance, and His promises, even when things are hard.

Habakkuk 3:17-18 says, “Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines… yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.” This verse shows that gratitude isn’t about what we have—it’s about trusting in who God is.

Turning Gratitude into a Daily Practice

Living a life of thankfulness requires intention. It’s not something that just happens; it’s something we choose.

One of the best ways to build a lifestyle of gratitude is to start small. Instead of waiting for big moments to feel thankful, begin noticing the little things—waking up to a new day, having food to eat, being surrounded by loved ones.

Another way is to practice verbal gratitude. Speak out thankfulness regularly. Thank God in prayer. Thank the people in your life. Let gratitude become part of your conversations.

Philippians 4:8 encourages us to focus on what is good: “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

When we train our minds to focus on what is good, gratitude naturally follows.

Gratitude as a Reflection of Faith

A thankful heart reflects a deep trust in God. When we choose gratitude, we are saying, “God, I trust that You are good, even when life is uncertain. I trust that You are working, even when I can’t see the outcome.”

Thankfulness is an act of faith. It reminds us that God’s plans are greater than our own. It keeps our focus on Him rather than our problems.

Psalm 136:1 says, “Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever.” A thankful life is not about having perfect circumstances—it’s about knowing we serve a good God who is always faithful.

Encouraging a Grateful Heart in All Circumstances

We all have a habit of thanking God for the best things in life, but what do we do when there is uncertainty? Disappointment? When nothing seems to be working out? Is it at all possible to maintain a positive and grateful heart in such dire situations?

The Bible teaches us to offer thanks even in the midst of a storm. Gratitude should not be confined to the good moments of life. Even during difficult times, choosing to trust that there’s God orchestrating our existence is the true essence of gratitude.

Gratitude is a Mindset, Not a Moment

Biblical gratitude is very different from gratitude in general. People express gratitude when life treats them well and fail to show appreciation when faced with hardships. However, gratitude is not the same when viewed through a biblical lens.

Gratitude cannot be a choice, it has to be a mindset one adopts. Regardless of the situation surrounding the individual, gratitude should not change thanks to trust and faith in God. One should believe that He is always working, even when the result is not visible at the moment.

Paul states in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” Paul very clearly did not state to be thankful for every good and bad while living, rather stated that gratitude needs to be present for everything the universe has to offer. Gratitude for every situation, regardless of being good or bad. Thus, gratitude can be thanked for giving us the presence of God in pain while not being required in exchange for suffering gratitude itself.

Every ounce of gratitude in every breath taken by a human requires extreme practice. First and foremost, the ability to force oneself to focus on the greater good rather than personal gain is required. Finding ways to express gratitude over pain is the first step.

Why Gratitude Is Hard When Life Feels Unfair

Let’s be honest—there are moments when gratitude feels impossible. When you lose a loved one. When a relationship ends. When life takes an unexpected turn. In these moments, saying “Be grateful” can feel frustrating.

But gratitude in difficult seasons doesn’t mean pretending everything is fine. It means trusting that God is still writing your story. It’s about shifting your focus from “Why is this happening?” to “How can I trust God through this?”

Think about Joseph in the Bible. Even in prison, Joseph remained faithful, and God’s plan unfolded. Years later, he told his brothers in Genesis 50:20, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good.” When we trust that God is still working in our tough seasons, we can find gratitude even when things don’t look good yet.

Joseph’s gratitude wasn’t based on perfect circumstances. It was based on his faith that God was in control, even when life seemed unfair.

Finding Gratitude in the Small Things

One of the easiest ways to cultivate a grateful heart is to start noticing the small blessings. It’s easy to focus on the big things we’re waiting for—a new job, healing, a breakthrough. But in doing that, we sometimes miss the small ways God is showing up every day.

– Waking up to a new day.
– A kind word from a friend.
– Strength to get through a difficult moment.
– A simple meal on the table.

When we take time to notice these things, we realize that even in hard seasons, there are still moments of grace. God’s presence is in the little things just as much as the big ones.

Psalm 103:2 says, “Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits.” When we intentionally look for the blessings in our lives, our perspective begins to shift.

Trusting God Even When You Don’t Feel Grateful

Some days, gratitude comes naturally. Other days, it feels impossible. But here’s the truth: We don’t have to feel grateful to choose gratitude.

In Habakkuk 3:17-18, the prophet writes, “Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines… yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.”

Did you catch that? Yet. Habakkuk didn’t ignore his problems. He acknowledged them. But he chose to praise God anyway.

Gratitude is an act of faith. It says, “I may not understand what’s happening, but I trust that God is still good.” It’s about believing that even in the waiting, in the struggle, in the unknown, He is working on all things for our good.

Steps to Living with More Gratitude

If gratitude doesn’t always come naturally, how can we build it into our daily lives?

1. Start Each Day with Thanksgiving. Before checking your phone or worrying about the day ahead, take a moment to thank God. Even if it’s just, “Thank You, Lord, for waking me up today.” Gratitude in the morning sets the tone for the rest of the day.
2. Shift Your Perspective in Difficult Moments. When something frustrating happens, ask yourself, “What can I still be thankful for in this situation?” Maybe your day didn’t go as planned, but you had the strength to get through it. Maybe the door is closed, but another opportunity is coming.
3. Express Gratitude to Others. Gratitude isn’t just between us and God—it should overflow into our relationships. Thank the people around you more often. Let them know you appreciate them. A simple “I’m grateful for you” can make a huge difference.
4. Keep a Gratitude Journal. Write down at least three things you’re thankful for each day. They don’t have to be big. Even “I had a good conversation today” or “The sun was shining” is enough. Over time, you’ll train your heart to focus on the good.
5. Pray with a Thankful Heart. Instead of only asking God for things in prayer, take time to simply thank Him. Thank Him for what He’s done, for what He’s doing, and for what He will do in the future.
6. Turn Worries into Worship. The next time you start feeling overwhelmed, take a deep breath and thank God for something at that moment. Maybe you don’t have all the answers, but you have His presence. Maybe you don’t know what’s next, but you know He is with you.

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Discussion: What Steps Can You Take to Live with More Gratitude?

Think about your own life. Are there areas where gratitude comes easily? Are there areas where it’s more difficult?

– What small blessings have you overlooked recently?
– How can you shift your focus when challenges come?
– What habits can you start today to build a lifestyle of thankfulness?

Gratitude isn’t something that happens by accident. It’s a choice. And when we make that choice daily, we begin to see life in a whole new way.

Living with a grateful heart doesn’t mean ignoring struggles or pretending life is perfect. It means choosing to trust God, even when things are uncertain. It’s about recognizing that, no matter what we face, there is always something to be thankful for.

Psalm 136:1 says, “Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever.” No matter what happens in life, God’s love never changes. That alone is reason enough to be grateful.

About the Author

The Christian Lingua Team is the world’s largest Christian translation agency offering translation and overdub services for video, audio, and media projects worldwide.

#40 What Is Perfectionism? Trading Exhaustion for Godly Peace

Part 1: The Trap of Perfectionism

Key Scripture: Ecclesiastes 7:20

“Indeed, there is no one on earth who is righteous, no one who does what is right and never sins”

The Impossible Standard of Perfection

Perfectionism is exhausting. It tells you that you are only as good as your last achievement, mistakes make you unworthy, and failure is not an option. It tries hard to make you believe that working harder, trying more, and doing better will finally make you enough.

But perfectionism is a trap.

No matter what you accomplish, being satisfied will remain unattainable as there are tons of expectations set. Approval from others will not be enough because there will always be self-doubt. The most difficult part to deal with is the fear of failure created by perfectionism, which takes away your joy, peace, and faith.

In reality, no one is supposed to be perfect. As stated in Ecclesiastes 7:20, “Indeed, there is no one on earth who is righteous, no one who does what is right and never sins.” That means our imperfections are what makes us human.

But when we are trapped in the cycle of perfectionism, we believe things that are extremely difficult to achieve or even unrealistic. This applies to our work, relationships, daily lives, and even our faith.

Earning God’s Love Through Perfectionism and Faith

Many people allow perfectionism to affect their work and relationships, and, without realizing it, even their relationship with God.

Maybe you felt the pressure of being a “good Christian” without messing up, always having the right answers, and doing the right things. You feel like in order to earn God’s love and His approval, you must perform.

But grace works differently. God’s love isn’t based on what we do—it’s based on who He is.

Romans 3:23-24 says, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”

That means:

– We all fall short. Every single one of us.
– It’s very clear that He knows we will fail and still loves us regardless.
– His grace is for everyone; there is no hard work needed for it to be received.

Living as a perfectionist tends to make us think that God is just waiting for us to make a mistake, hovering over us. But God isn’t out there looking for reasons to criticize us. Rather, He is a loving Father who accepts us even with our flaws.

Perfectionism Impacts Relationships

Perfectionism not only modifies our perspective toward God, but it also deeply shapes the way we relate to other people. When we begin to ask what is perfectionism in relationships, we see that it often shows up as the constant pressure to appear flawless, dependable, and emotionally “put together” at all times.

The need to be perfect and please everyone sets the bar higher than what’s achievable and adds unbearable pressure to relationships. Understanding what is perfectionism in

relationships helps explain why we fear that if others see our weaknesses, they will pull away. Vulnerability feels dangerous, because perfectionism convinces us that love must be earned through performance rather than received through honesty.

When we reflect more deeply on what is perfectionism in relationships, its effects become clear. It often leads to:

– Fear of rejection — believing people won’t accept you once your flaws are visible.
– Unrealistic expectations — expecting yourself and others to meet impossible standards.
– Difficulty trusting others — keeping emotional distance to avoid appearing weak or needy.

The danger of perfectionism is that it isolates us from the very people meant to support us. Asking what is perfectionism in relationships reveals why it causes us to build emotional walls, pretend everything is fine, and push others away when we need help the most.

Relationships built on perfection cannot survive, because they leave no space for grace, growth, or shared burden.

Galatians 6:2 reminds us, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” God designed relationships to be places of mutual support, not silent struggle. When we understand what is perfectionism in relationships, we begin to see that real connection is formed not through flawless behavior, but through honesty, humility, and shared dependence on God.

The Anxiety of Never Feeling Good Enough

One of the most damaging effects of perfectionism is the constant feeling of never being good enough. When we ask what is perfectionism in relation to anxiety, we see that it creates an inner system where worth is always conditional. No matter what you accomplish, another standard appears. Even success feels fragile, because perfectionism whispers that you could still fail next time.

Understanding what is perfectionism helps explain why anxiety becomes such a constant companion. Your mind is always scanning for mistakes, shortcomings, or reasons you might fall behind. You measure your value against performance, approval, or comparison, and nothing ever feels secure. This relentless pressure naturally leads to burnout, emotional exhaustion, and fear of trying anything new in case you fail.

At its core, what is perfectionism if not a fear-driven need to prove ourselves? Instead of rest, we live with the anxiety of disappointing others or not being “enough.” But Jesus offers a completely different way of living—one rooted in grace, not performance.

Matthew 11:28–30 reminds us that rest is an invitation, not a reward. When we understand what is perfectionism, we see why His words are so freeing: we were never meant to carry the weight of being flawless.

Breaking Free from the Trap of Perfectionism

Breaking free from perfectionism does not mean caring less or lowering standards. It means redefining where your worth comes from. To understand what is perfectionism, we must recognize that it ties identity to achievement—making success feel necessary for acceptance.

Freedom begins when we confront what is perfectionism at its root: the belief that mistakes make us unworthy. Breaking free means allowing failure to be part of growth instead of proof of inadequacy.

Comparison is another fuel of perfectionism. When we understand what is perfectionism, we realize that constantly measuring ourselves against others keeps us trapped. Letting go of comparison allows joy and gratitude to return.

Most importantly, freedom comes when identity is anchored in Christ rather than accomplishments. What is perfectionism if not a misplaced search for value? When our worth is found in being God’s child, striving loses its power, and grace takes its place.

How Unrealistic Expectations Create Stress and Disappointment

To fully understand what is perfectionism, we must look at how it creates unrealistic expectations. It often begins with good intentions—wanting to do well, be responsible, or live faithfully. But perfectionism quietly turns those desires into impossible demands.

Have you ever felt pressure to be the perfect employee, friend, student, or Christian? This is often what perfectionism looks like in daily life—believing that anything less than perfection equals failure.

Ecclesiastes 7:20 reminds us that no one lives without sin or mistake. When we ignore this truth, perfectionism produces constant stress and disappointment. Understanding what is perfectionism reveals why satisfaction always feels just out of reach.

At a deeper level, what is perfectionism if not fear of letting others down? Many people strive endlessly because they believe love, approval, or security depends on meeting expectations. But perfectionism never offers rest—only another demand.

This is not how God calls us to live. When we understand what is perfectionism, we also understand why God invites us to trust Him instead of ourselves. Peace comes not from control, but from surrender.

When Perfectionism Leads to Stress

Stress occurs when the burden of your expectations becomes too heavy to bear and causes mental strain. This is especially true for those who find themselves striving for perfection, believing that rest must be earned and mistakes are unacceptable.

– You feel constant pressure instead of enjoying your work.
– You focus on what isn’t perfect yet instead of celebrating progress.
– You feel guilty for not doing more instead of resting.
– You might tell yourself, “If I could just work a little harder, then I’ll be happy,” yet no matter how much effort you give, it never feels sufficient.

This pattern often reflects perfectionism and anxiety working together. Your emotions aren’t the only things affected—your mind, body, and even perfectionism in relationships begin to suffer. The constant pressure to perform can lead to burnout, irritability, and emotional distance from others.

For some, this pressure is intensified by ADHD perfectionism, where the fear of falling behind or forgetting something creates an endless cycle of overcompensating, self-criticism, and exhaustion.

Jesus offers something different. In Matthew 11:28–30, He says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” God never intended for you to live under constant stress. True rest begins when we start letting go of perfectionism and trusting Him instead of overworking ourselves.

Understanding the Root of Perfectionism

At its core, perfectionism stems from fear. What causes perfectionism is often a deep fear of making mistakes, disappointing others, or feeling inadequate. When your worth feels tied to performance, even small failures feel catastrophic.

Many people quietly say to themselves, “I am a perfectionist,” not as a neutral observation, but as a confession of exhaustion. Instead of seeing failure as part of growth, perfectionism turns mistakes into personal verdicts about your value.

Yet Scripture reminds us that God has always worked through imperfect people—Moses, David, Peter, Paul. Their failures did not disqualify them. God didn’t wait for them to become flawless; He met them in their weakness.

Your performance does not dictate God’s love. He loves you freely, not conditionally.

The Pain of Not Meeting Standards

The tragedy of perfectionism is that perfection is never attainable. No matter how much you achieve, there is always another standard to meet. Effort goes unnoticed, joy feels delayed, and peace remains just out of reach.

Take a moment to reflect on the past week or month. Do you remember the small victories—or do they feel insignificant because they weren’t “good enough”? This mindset fuels frustration instead of gratitude.

In faith, this can look like trying to be the perfect Christian—never doubting, never struggling, never failing. But Psalm 103:14 reminds us, “For He knows how we are formed, He remembers that we are dust.”

God knows your limits. He knows your humanity. And He still chooses you.

Learning How to Stop Being a Perfectionist

So how do you begin overcoming perfectionism?

First, understand that God’s goal is growth, not flawlessness. Faith is not about never making mistakes—it’s about learning, repenting, and trusting God along the way.

Second, give yourself permission to be human. If God does not demand perfection from you, why should you demand it from yourself? This is where true perfectionism treatment begins—not in self-discipline, but in grace.

Third, shift your focus from rigid personal goals to God’s greater plan. Many of the expectations we place on ourselves were never assigned by God in the first place.

Proverbs 19:21 says, “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” Learning how to not be a perfectionist often means releasing control and trusting that God is still working, even when things don’t go according to plan.

God doesn’t stand back waiting for you to get everything right. He walks with you through the struggle.

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Discussion: In What Areas Of Your Life Do You Struggle with Perfectionism?

• Have you felt pressure to meet high standards—your own or others’? What fueled that pressure?
• How has perfectionism affected your emotions, your faith, or your relationships?
• What does it mean to you that God’s grace is greater than your mistakes?
• Where is God inviting you into rest instead of relentless striving?

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Unrealistic expectations lead to stress, disappointment, and fear of failure. But God never asked you to carry that weight.

So today, take a deep breath. Release the pressure. Step away from striving for perfection, and step into the freedom of trusting God.

Part 2: Choosing Grace over Perfection

Key Scripture: 2 Corinthians 12:9

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Releasing the Burden of Seeking Perfection

Carrying the weight of perfectionism can feel incredibly heavy. You start becoming so obsessed with performing, winning, and achieving that you forget your identity and self-worth. It encourages you to do everything perfectly, and then only you would be enough, as well as accepted, cherished, or loved. This is not what God’s intentions are.

Your performance has nothing to do with the love offered by God. You don’t need to earn it through perfect execution, following every rule, and avoiding any failures or mistakes. His love is freely granted, never taken away, and has no conditions.

2 Corinthians 12:9 speaks of Paul, a great leader in the early church, and how he struggled with weakness. Weakness is something he prayed God would take away, yet in return, God said to him, “For my power is made perfect in weakness.” Consider how God is not looking for perfect people, but rather for people who are willing to place their trust in Him.

The Pressure to Prove Yourself

Does proving yourself to others come naturally to you? Have you tried your best to gain acceptance through perfection, so you would no longer feel rejected or not belong anywhere?

If so, it can be mentally and emotionally draining. After working hard at this, few actually feel accomplished and that their efforts were worth it. Then, all motivation to keep working turns into a habit. You try harder. Work longer. Say yes to everything. There’s little satisfaction in personal expectations, meaning you will always strive for the next goal. Balance is key, and in this case, remember that God never asked you to be perfect, as perfection does not exist.

Psalm 103:13-14 says, “As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.”

God knows you’re human. He knows your weaknesses, your struggles, your limits. And He loves you anyway.

Mistakes Do Not Overshadow Grace

You might be thinking that if you mess up, everything goes to waste. You may also think that if you fall short, you have disappointed God. And that if you do not meet the standard, you are unworthy. But God’s grace overpowers your failures.

Romans 8:1 says, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

That means His grace is still there when you fail, fall short, and don’t measure up to your expectations,

God’s Power Works Through Weakness

It’s easy to assume that God only works through confident, capable, and successful people. This belief often grows stronger when someone quietly thinks, “I am a perfectionist, so I have to get everything right before God can use me.” But Scripture shows us a different reality. God often works most powerfully through weakness, not perfection.

Consider the people God used in the Bible:

– Moses doubted his ability to lead.
– David failed publicly and painfully.
– Peter denied Jesus at His lowest moment.
– Paul openly acknowledged his struggles.

Their stories remind us that overcoming perfectionism doesn’t mean becoming careless—it means recognizing that God was never waiting for flawless people to begin with. Learning how to overcome perfectionism starts when we accept that our weaknesses do not limit God’s work; they invite it.

When we stop trying to appear strong all the time, we create space for God’s strength to meet us. This shift is essential for anyone learning how to stop being a perfectionist, because it replaces self-reliance with trust. Your imperfections don’t disqualify you. They make room for grace.

Living in the Freedom of Grace

When we release the pressure to be perfect and begin resting in grace, something changes deep within us. This is what overcoming perfectionism looks like in everyday faith—not striving harder, but surrendering more honestly.

– You no longer live in fear of failure.
– You stop measuring your worth by performance.
– You stop carrying the weight of needing to be “enough.”

For those who identify with the thought “I am a perfectionist,” grace offers a new way of living. It teaches us that how to stop being a perfectionist is not about lowering standards, but about shifting where our value comes from. Jesus is enough. His grace is enough.

Ephesians 2:8–9 reminds us that salvation—and love—are gifts, not rewards. Grace means you don’t earn God’s approval. You receive it.

What Does Choosing Grace Look Like?

Letting go of perfectionism is not a one-time decision; it’s a daily practice. This is often where people learn how to overcome perfectionism in real life, not just in theory.

Choosing grace looks like saying, “I don’t have to be perfect today; I just have to trust God.” It looks like responding to mistakes with prayer instead of punishment. It means noticing when the label “I am a perfectionist” starts defining your identity—and gently replacing it with truth.

This is the heart of overcoming perfectionism: allowing God to define you instead of your performance. Over time, grace reshapes how you see yourself, others, and even failure.

Learning to Accept Imperfection and Trust God’s Plan

God’s Plan is Greater Than Your Perfection

For many people, perfectionism grows from good intentions—wanting to do well, honor others, or avoid disappointment. But when your sense of worth depends on everything going perfectly, life becomes exhausting. This is why learning how to stop being a perfectionist is so closely tied to learning how to trust God.

Romans 8:28 reminds us that God works through all things, not just successful outcomes. His plan does not pause when we make mistakes. It does not collapse when we fall short.

Understanding this is a major step in overcoming perfectionism. You don’t lose God’s favor when things go wrong. Your imperfections do not derail His purpose. What God asks for is not perfection—but trust.

Having Faith In God When Nothing Makes Sense

Having faith in God in the good times is easy, but one struggles to do so when everything feels off. What do you do when nothing seems to be going as planned, and everything keeps crashing down? What do you do when opportunities are no longer available? That’s when your fundamental belief is truly tested.

As mentioned in Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

This means God’s plans could be quite different from the ones you expect. The road he chooses for you could include obstacles and disappointments. But there’s always a silver lining; the plan that God has is far bigger and better.

Letting Go of Comparison

One of the greatest obstacles to accepting imperfection is comparison. It’s easy to look at other people and assume they have everything figured out, that their lives are free from struggles, and that they’ve somehow mastered the balance of success and faith.

But comparison is a trap.

Everyone has their own challenges, their own fears, their own moments of weakness. No one’s life is as perfect as it seems on the outside. God isn’t calling you to live someone else’s journey—He is calling you to trust Him in your own.

Galatians 6:4 reminds us, “Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else.”

When you let go of comparison, you free yourself from the pressure to measure up to impossible standards. You start focusing on what God is doing in your life instead of worrying about how you stack up against others.

—

Discussion: How Can Embracing Grace Change Your Outlook?

1. Did you find joy in the process instead of only in the results?
2. Did you build stronger relationships because you stopped pretending to be flawless?
3. Did you learn to love yourself the way God loves you—completely, unconditionally, and without pressure to perform?

—

Letting go of perfection isn’t easy, but it is freeing. When you stop chasing impossible standards and start trusting God’s plan, you begin to experience life in a new way.

Perfection is a burden that God never intended for you to carry. His grace is greater. His love is deeper. And His plan for you is far better than anything perfectionism could ever promise.

Part 3: Finding Peace in God’s Purpose

Key Scripture: Philippians 1:6

“He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion…”

From Self-Reliance to Putting Your Faith in God

When you feel as though everything depends on you, life becomes burdensome. Putting all the weight of responsibility on yourself can feel overwhelming psychologically. Every single decision, each mistake, and even the outcome will solely depend on you and can have disastrous results.

This is not what God intended for you. Putting the burden on yourself is tough, and it’s easier to rely on someone else for support, like your family. Letting go of control and being able to trust someone else—especially in the hands of God – can relieve so much of the mental stress. You will feel relieved because you know the plans he has set for you will always exceed your own.

Want reassurance? Philippians 1:6 says,” He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” The Lord is supporting you; he is always working behind the scenes. You don’t have to figure everything out or have a set plan because He is the one in control, not you.

The Illusion of Control

Letting go of control where life is concerned might be the hardest thing to do when we are brought up in a society that celebrates individualism. When we are younger, we are told that hard work gives us success, that the right choices produce results, and that planning well secures a bright future. However, as we grow older, we begin to realize that all of this is not in our control. Unexpected obstacles come up, plans do not work, and even our best efforts do not always give us the results we wished for.

A life without control where goals must be achieved seems daunting, which is one of the reasons why people get frustrated when they drift away from their goals. Trying to control everything only leads to increased anxiety and stress.

Self-reliance does not mean running away from responsibility, but it means trusting God instead of stressing over every little thing. Accepting guidance from divinity leads to nurturing peace instead of embracing pressure.

God’s Purpose Goes Beyond Your Plans

Every one of us has expectations of how we want our life to turn out. We make plans, establish goals, and move towards achieving a certain degree of success. However, what happens when things do not turn out the way we expected?  In times like these, faith is put to the test.

According to Proverbs 16:9, “In their hearts, humans plan their course, but the lord establishes their steps.”

This means that God’s purpose is not limited by human barriers and consequences. Most of the time, we believe we are doing everything right and forget what the big picture is. We do not accept change around us and resist uncertainty, which ultimately puts us against a wall.

But if we surrender our plans to Him, we begin trusting rather than needing to strive for something to work out. We begin noticing that even if everything goes sideways, God will support us and guide us in one direction that is greater than we can visualize.

True Peace Comes from Surrender

You cannot experience peace under perfect circumstances. You will not find it when everything is under control. But only when you put all your trust in Him, even if life is unpredictable.

Trust like this does not come easily. It requires you to have faith, patience, and willingness to resist fear. The only way to do that is by avoiding self-reliance and letting God take control. That is when you experience freedom.

You stop worrying about things beyond your control because you know God is in control.

You stop overthinking every decision because you believe that God is leading you.

You no longer worry about the future because you think God’s plan for you is secure.

Jesus shows us His peace in John 14:27 by saying, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

His peace is different and not based on specific situations. It’s based on His never-ending love and faithfulness.

Trust the Process Even When You Cannot See the Whole Picture

Moving from self-reliance to having faith is one of the biggest challenges. God does not reveal His plan all at once. Instead, He wants us to trust Him to guide us step by step as we go through the process.

This is challenging, especially when the uncertainty kicks in. You could be going through a phase where you have no clue what to do next. Or after praying for clarity, you are still stuck waiting for answers. Maybe, for the rest of us, it could feel like God is moving us in a certain direction where things don’t make sense at the moment. But God’s timing is always perfect. He is never confused. He is never late. He is never unsure of what he’s doing.

Isaiah 55:8-9 reminds us, “‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.’ As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Even when you tell yourself that God is still working.

Even when there is a feeling of uncertainty, His purpose is still being executed. When everything feels out of place and spinning out of control, just remember that you are being guided to exactly where you need to be.

Walk in Faith, Not Fear

The most difficult and complex thing in one’s life is suffering from fear. It even impacts trusting God. For example, when a person attempts everything on their own, fear forces them to have all the answers in their head. It even makes them think that everything will collapse if they are unable to come up with a solution.

In contrast, faith tells a different tale. Reminds you that everything is ok and God’s got your back. God’s perceived control reminds us of individual aspects of our life. You might not need answers, but you must have faith that God does. You also might be worried about the mystery, but rest assured that it has already been handled and taken care of. The beauty of God’s essence is that you do not have to be flawless since his grace justifies that.

2 Corinthians 5:7 states, “For we live by faith, not by sight.” The full essence of this narrative is that you do not need to know anything before trusting God to guide you. Trust the process, walk in faith, and be certain that your steps are being watched by Him at every stage.

Practical Steps to Release Control and Rest in God

Releasing control is difficult. We prefer having everything mapped out, knowing what’s next, and being in a position to dictate the course of our lives. But with each attempt to micromanage everything, we become more anxious and restless. Making sure everything turns out perfectly right is exhausting.

Living that way is not something God intended for us. He instead wants something better for us—a life filled with trust, surrender, and unshakable peace. But letting go is not an overnight job. It’s about consciously choosing faith daily instead of fear, choosing trust instead of worrying, and choosing surrender instead of striving.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest,” Jesus reminds us in Matthew 11:28. We don’t always find the relief we are looking for by fixing everything. Instead, the relief comes from the surrender of needing control and finding solace in knowing that God has everything covered.

Recognizing What You Can and Can’t Control

Realizing what is and isn’t in your control is one of the first steps in the letting-go process. Here’s what you can’t control.’

– You can’t control other people’s behavior.
– You can’t control random obstacles.
– You can’t control what happens in the future.

Relieving Worry Using Prayer

Worry stems from the feeling of having to solve everything on one’s own. But prayer encourages us to change the perspective of our problems to God’s power, reminding us that we are not alone.

Philippians 4:6-7 explains this very clearly: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

When we come to God with our burdens, we remember God is in the driver’s seat of this roller coaster. Things may not change immediately, but the burden does not have to be carried alone.

Making prayer part of your daily routine is one effective way to achieve this. During moments of overwhelming stress, even if it’s “God, I trust you,” make sure to stop and pray. The more you submit your worries to God, the more peace and poise you discover.

Why We Need To Live in the Moment

Letting go of the past can be difficult if someone is trapped in the notion of what could happen next. What is going to happen next? How do I know everything will be perfect? What if I make an unwise decision?

As a result of knowing these difficulties we might face, God took the liberty to tell us: “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Mathew 6:34.

In simple terms, worrying over the future does not change a thing and only takes away your peace. What can you do instead? Try to make every attempt to be in control of what lies ahead of you.

Put your head in the present and start asking the following questions:

– How can I assist God this very moment?
– What can I do today that enables me to rely on Him even more?
– Are there places where He is currently active in my life?

When you become aware of devotion instead of fear, you seriously start noticing all the Godly actions happening, no matter how small they may seem.

Creating Daily Habits of Surrender

Letting go of control isn’t something you do once—it’s something you have to practice every day. Surrender is a good habit.

Here are a few ways to develop that habit:

– Start your day by giving it to God. Each morning, take a moment to pray, “God, I surrender this day to You. Lead me in Your will.”
– When you feel anxious, pause and pray. Instead of letting fear take over, stop and remind yourself, “God is in control.”
– Stay rooted in Scripture. The more you fill your mind with God’s Word, the more you will trust Him.
– Practice gratitude. When you focus on what God has already done, it becomes easier to trust Him with what’s ahead.

The more you practice surrendering, the more natural it will become. Trusting God is like building a muscle—it grows stronger with use.

—

Discussion: What Habits Can Help You Trust God More?

Releasing control takes time. It is a process that happens when you actively choose to trust God more daily.

Pause for a moment and reflect on your life:

– What are some things you have been holding onto?
– How would it feel if you let God control them?
– What daily change can you make to help you in the journey of surrendering?

—

God doesn’t want you to have all the answers figured out. All He asks is for you to walk alongside Him, step by step. In return, you will begin to experience the wonderful calm that comes from resting in His intentions.

Part 4: Living with Purpose, Not Perfection

Key Scripture: Colossians 3:23

“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.”

Perfectionism can feel like a constant weight on your shoulders. It pushes you to work harder, do more, and meet impossible expectations. It tells you that your worth is tied to your achievements, that mistakes define you, and that you must always have everything under control. But God never called us to live that way.

God does not ask for perfection—He asks for faithfulness. He calls us to live with purpose, not with pressure. The difference is that purpose is fueled by joy, but perfectionism is fueled by fear. Purpose allows room for growth, but perfectionism leaves no space for grace.

The Difference Between Excellence and Perfectionism

God created us to pursue excellence, not obsession. Excellence is about doing our best with what we’ve been given, using our gifts to honor Him, and growing in the process. Perfectionism, on the other hand, is rooted in anxiety. It’s the belief that if we aren’t flawless, we aren’t good enough.

Colossians 3:23 reminds us that we are called to work with all our hearts—not to impress people but to honor God. That means our motivation matters. Are we striving because we love God and want to reflect His goodness? Or are we striving out of fear, trying to prove our worth through our accomplishments?

Excellence is about giving your best effort, knowing that mistakes will happen and that growth takes time. Perfectionism demands an impossible standard, making you feel like no matter what you do, it’s never enough.

When Perfection Becomes a Burden

Trying to be perfect in every area of life-work, relationships, faith—can quickly become overwhelming. It leaves no room for rest, no room for mistakes, and no room for grace. It creates an exhausting cycle where you’re constantly chasing an unreachable goal.

Maybe you’ve felt that pressure before—the need to always perform at your highest level, to never let anyone down, to always have the right answers. But that kind of pressure doesn’t come from God.

Jesus offers something completely different. In Matthew 11:28, He says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” God’s plan for you isn’t built on perfection—it’s built on trust.

If you’re constantly feeling exhausted from trying to keep up with impossible expectations, it may be time to ask yourself: Am I living for perfection, or am I living for purpose?

Letting Go of the Fear of Failure

One of the biggest reasons people chase perfection is the fear of failure. The idea of making mistakes or falling short can feel terrifying, especially if you’ve built your identity around being “the one who always gets it right.”

But failure is not the enemy. Failure is often where God does His best work. Some of the greatest life lessons come through failure because failure humbles us, teaches us, and draws us closer to God.

– Moses doubted his ability to lead, yet God used him to deliver His people.
– David made huge mistakes, yet he was still called a man after God’s own heart.
– Peter denied Jesus, yet he became a pillar of the early church.

God isn’t waiting for you to be perfect—He’s waiting for you to be willing.

In 2 Corinthians 12:9, God tells Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” That means your failures don’t define you—God’s grace does.

Focusing on Purpose Instead of Performance

When you shift your focus from performance to purpose, everything changes. You stop chasing impossible standards, and you start seeking God’s will. You begin to understand that success isn’t about impressing people—it’s about living in obedience to God.

Living with purpose means asking:

– Am I honoring God with my work, relationships, and choices?
– Am I using my gifts to serve others instead of just proving myself?
– Am I allowing room for grace, or am I constantly pressuring myself to do more?

Colossians 3:23 reminds us that whatever we do, we should do it with all our hearts as if working for the Lord. That means our purpose isn’t about personal recognition—it’s about reflecting God’s goodness.

Balancing Hard Work with Rest

God calls us to work hard, but He also calls us to rest. He designed us to need both. Pursuing excellence does not mean burning yourself out.

Think about creation—God made the world in six days, but on the seventh day, He rested. If the Creator of the universe took time to step back, breathe, and rest, why do we think we have to constantly keep going without pause?

Rest is not laziness. It’s an act of trust. When you rest, you are acknowledging that God is the one in control, not you. You are saying I don’t have to do everything because God is already at work.

Redefining Success

If success isn’t about perfection, what is it about? Success in God’s eyes is about faithfulness, obedience, and trust.

It’s about showing up, using your gifts, and doing your best—but also recognizing that your best will look different on different days. Some days, success is accomplishing big things. On other days, success is simply remaining faithful when things are hard.

It’s easy to measure success by achievements, recognition, or how many things we check off our to-do lists. But God’s measure of success looks different. He sees the heart behind the effort. He sees the trust behind the work.

If you live each day with the goal of honoring God, of reflecting His love, and of surrendering the need to be perfect, you are already successful.

How to Focus on Growth, Not Flawlessness

It’s easy to believe that if we aren’t perfect, we aren’t enough. That if we make mistakes, we’ve failed. If we can’t do something flawlessly, we shouldn’t do it at all. But that kind of thinking doesn’t come from God—it comes from fear.

God never asked for perfection. He asks for growth.

Throughout the Bible, we see stories of imperfect people whom God used in powerful ways—not because they had it all together, but because God’s plan for them was never dependent on their ability to be flawless. It was dependent on their willingness to grow.

Philippians 1:6 reminds us, “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” That means the work God is doing in you isn’t finished yet. You don’t have to have everything figured out right now. You are a work in progress, and that is okay.

Letting Go of the Fear of Not Being Good Enough

One of the biggest obstacles to growth is fear—fear of failure, fear of judgment, fear of not measuring up. Fear keeps us stuck. It tells us not to try, not to risk, not to step out in faith because we might not get it right.

But when we read scriptures on perfection, we see a different pattern: growth requires movement, and movement includes mistakes.

Think about how a child learns to walk. They stumble. They fall. They try again. No one expects instant success. Yet in our spiritual lives, we often expect ourselves to be instantly strong, instantly faithful, and instantly mature.

God does not see failure the way we do. According to many scriptures on perfection, falling is not the opposite of faith—refusing to rise again is.

Proverbs 24:16 says, “Though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again.” This verse reminds us that perfection is not about never falling; it’s about continuing to grow. God is not disappointed in your imperfections—He is refining you through them.

Growth, not flawlessness, is the path God has always laid out.

Shifting from Performance to Progress

When we focus too much on performance, we lose sight of progress. We become so obsessed with results that we forget to appreciate the process. But true growth isn’t about reaching a perfect destination—it’s about learning and improving along the way.

Think about a seed planted in the ground. It doesn’t sprout overnight. It takes time, care, and patience. Your growth works the same way. Some seasons will be full of visible progress, while others will feel slow. But every step, no matter how small, is part of God’s plan for you.

Colossians 2:6-7 says, “So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught.” Growth isn’t about achieving perfection—it’s about staying rooted in Christ and allowing Him to shape you.

Using Your Gifts Without the Pressure of Perfection

Many people hold back from using their gifts because of perfectionist tendencies that whisper, “You’re not good enough yet.” They compare themselves to others and think, If I can’t do it as well as they can, why bother? This mindset is common for those with a perfectionist personality, where worth feels tied to flawless performance instead of faithful effort.

But God didn’t give you gifts so that you could be perfect—He gave them so you could use them.

Think about the parable of the talents in Matthew 25. The servant who buried his talent did so out of fear, not laziness. His perfectionist tendencies convinced him that doing nothing was safer than risking imperfection. The other servants weren’t flawless—but they were faithful, and their obedience honored their master.

God isn’t looking for perfection. He’s looking for obedience.

When you use your gifts, even when they feel small or unpolished, you honor the God who gave them. Romans 12:6 says, “We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us.” Your gifts were entrusted to you for a reason. A perfectionist personality may tell you to wait until you’re ready—but God calls you to step forward in faith.

Celebrating Progress Instead of Criticizing Imperfection

One of the healthiest ways to loosen perfectionist tendencies is to learn how to celebrate progress instead of obsessing over flaws. Growth happens in steps, not leaps, and constant self-criticism only slows the process.

If negative self-talk is familiar to you, start replacing criticism with gratitude. Instead of saying, “I didn’t do this well enough,” try saying, “I’m learning. I’m growing.” This shift is especially important for those with a perfectionist personality, who are often far harsher on themselves than they would ever be toward others.

Psalm 37:23–24 reminds us, “The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.” God doesn’t demand flawless steps—He promises steady support.

Trusting That God’s Timing is Better Than Your Own

A perfectionist personality often struggles with timing. When progress feels slow, frustration builds. You may wonder why you’re still working through the same challenges or why growth isn’t happening faster.

But God’s timing is not rushed. Growth is a lifelong process, and perfectionist tendencies can make you feel behind when you are exactly where God is shaping you.

Isaiah 40:31 says, “Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.” Not those who rush. Not those who get everything right—but those who trust.

Your growth is not delayed. You are not failing. God is working, even when progress feels invisible.

Final Thoughts

When you stop letting a perfectionist personality define your worth and begin focusing on faithfulness, everything changes. Your journey becomes a process instead of a performance. Fear loosens its grip. Obedience replaces pressure.

Philippians 1:6 reminds us that God is still working in you. That means mistakes don’t define you, and perfectionist tendencies don’t get the final word. God does.

So keep going. Keep using your gifts. Keep trusting. Progress—not perfection—is where faith grows.

About the Author

The Christian Lingua Team is the world’s largest Christian translation agency offering translation and overdub services for video, audio, and media projects worldwide.

#38 Difference Between Envy and Jealousy: Transforming Bitterness into Faith

Part 1: Understanding Jealousy and Envy

Key Scripture: Proverbs 14:30

“A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.”

What Are Jealousy and Envy?

Feelings of jealousy and envy can weigh us down in unexpected ways. Imagine a friend landing the very job you’ve always dreamed of—rather than feeling happy for them, you find yourself consumed by jealousy. Or think about the times you’ve scrolled through social media, only to feel envious of people whose lives seem more exciting than yours.

But what exactly are emotions like envy and jealousy? Are they the same, or do they carry different meanings?

What does envy mean? Envy refers to wanting something that another person already has, such as success, relationships, talents, or possessions. It creates bitterness and resentment towards what God has given us. Envy does not allow us to celebrate others’ achievements but instead pits us against one another in a toxic competition, making us feel like we are missing out. This is why envy rots the bones, as it consumes us with negativity, leaving us spiritually unhealthy.

What does jealousy mean? Jealousy, on the other hand, involves a fear of losing something you already have, whether it’s a relationship, achievement, or status. When jealousy takes over, it often stems from insecurity, and it creates possessiveness and distrust. In other words, jealousy is marked by fear—fear of losing what is precious to you.

The difference between envy and jealousy is that envy is about wanting something someone else has, whereas jealousyis about fearing the loss of what you already possess. These feelings may overlap at times, but they stem from different emotions—envy from a lack of contentment, and jealousy from a lack of trust.

Envious vs Jealous

Both envy and jealousy are alarming emotions because they divert our attention away from God’s purpose for our lives. They lead to a comparison game, causing us to focus on what we do not have instead of what we’ve been blessed with. This discontentment robs us of peace, joy, and spiritual fulfillment.

When we are consumed by envy and jealousy, we live in a state of unrest, constantly comparing ourselves to others or fearing loss. Envious vs jealous behavior creates distance from God’s love and plan. But God calls us to live differently, rooted in trust, love, and gratitude rather than fear and comparison.

The Bible on Jealousy and Envy

Proverbs 14:30 reminds us: “A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.” The Bible clearly teaches us that envy and jealousy have destructive effects, not only on our thoughts and emotions but also on our relationships and spiritual well-being. Living with peace, gratitude, and trust in God is the remedy.

By learning to recognize and combat these emotions with a heart rooted in Christ, we can avoid the trap of comparison and live in the freedom God offers.

Jealousy: Losing What We Possess

Jealousy is accompanied by anxiety, low self-confidence, and possessiveness. It occurs when anything becomes an emotional threat, which could stem from a social circle, a romantic relationship, or even a workplace setting. Let’s consider a scenario where your friends begin socializing with new people, and you start to feel that emotional discomfort. The difference between envy and jealousy here is clear—jealousy often arises when there’s a fear of losing something we already have, whereas envy is the desire for something someone else has.

This feeling also applies to coworkers who feel jealous of seeing their colleagues praised by their boss. These feelings stem from the very essence of fearing loss and worth. So, how to stop being jealous? First, we must recognize that jealousy often comes from insecurity, and it’s essential to deal with it by focusing on our own growth and self-worth rather than comparing ourselves to others.

When we do not work on our jealousy and resentment, it can lead to our downfall, as in the case of Saul in 1 Samuel 18:6-9. Saul, the King of Israel, became jealous of David’s victories and praise, which eventually led to his downfall. His jealousy consumed him and clouded his judgment.

How to deal with jealousy? By allowing God to reshape our hearts, we can replace jealousy with peace. God wants us to believe that rather than fearing what we may lose, we should be willing to let go and trust that He has everything under control. Our worth is not linked to our possessions but to Him.

Envy: Desiring What Others Possess

While jealousy arises from fear, envy stems from comparison. We experience it when we observe someone else’s life, and we feel as if we don’t have something that we should. “Why didn’t I get the job that they did?”, “Why can’t I have a perfect family like theirs?” or “Why do they have to be happier than me all the time?”

Envy makes us believe that someone else’s potential success will rob us of our happiness. Rather than appreciating our own situations, we tend to shift our attention to the numerous things we don’t have, which ultimately leads to misery. This is where the difference between envy and jealousy comes in—envy focuses on a desire to have something someone else has, while jealousy is about the fear of losing what we already possess.

The Bible verses about envy warn us about the destructive effects of envy. James 3:16 states, “For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.” Envy leads to resentment, bitterness, and, at times, the worst consequences.

In Genesis 4:3-8, Cain is jealous of Abel, his brother, because God accepted Abel’s offering but rejected his. Instead of examining his own actions, Cain allowed his jealousy to transform into anger, which ultimately led to him murdering Abel. This story highlights the dangers of envy and jealousy when left unchecked.

That’s the problem with envy; if we allow ourselves to be consumed by it, we risk missing out on God’s blessings in our lives because we are too preoccupied with other people’s attributes.

Is envy a sin? The Bible clearly warns us about the dangers of envy. In Galatians 5:19-21, Paul lists envy as part of the sinful nature, alongside other destructive behaviors. Envy leads to bitterness and dissatisfaction with what God has provided for us. In James 3:16, it says, “For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.” This shows that envy can open the door to many other sinful actions. The Bible calls us to resist envy by cultivating a heart of gratitude and contentment, trusting that God has a perfect plan for each of us. So, while envy itself is a sin, we are encouraged to seek peace and joy in God’s blessings, rather than looking at what others have.

The Bible verses about jealousy emphasize the destructive power of jealousy and its potential to harm relationships. In Galatians 5:19-21, Paul lists jealousy as one of the acts of the sinful nature, stating, “The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity, and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy…” This highlights how jealousy can cause division and strife. Furthermore, in Proverbs 27:4, it states, “Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?” This verse warns us that jealousy can escalate emotions and lead to harmful actions. The Bible teaches that jealousy, when unchecked, can lead to destructive outcomes, just as we see in the story of King Saul, whose jealousy of David led him to attempt to harm him.

Is jealousy a sin? The Bible addresses jealousy as a negative emotion that can lead to harmful consequences. In James 3:16, it states, “For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.” Jealousy, much like envy, can stir up conflict, bitterness, and division. It can distort our view of others, causing us to feel insecure or threatened by their success or relationships. The Bible encourages us to overcome jealousy and replace it with love, patience, and trust in God’s plan. So, while jealousy itself may not always be considered sin, it can easily lead us into sinful actions if left unchecked.

God’s Approach To Envy and Jealousy

Is there a solution for jealousy and envy? The Bible provides clear guidance: trust in God and practice gratitude and contentment.

Philippians 4:11-12 says, “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.” This teaches us that we do not need to chase after everything we want but instead be grateful for what God has already given us.

When we are thankful for what we have, envy loses its power over us. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 reminds us, “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” Practicing gratitude shifts our focus from what we don’t have to the positive aspects of life.

We can also become envious and jealous when we doubt God’s plan for us. But Jeremiah 29:11 assures us, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” When we trust Him, we begin to focus less on what others have and more on what He has in store for us.

How These Emotions Affect Relationships and Spiritual Growth

Jealousy and envy are two emotions that can sneak in unnoticed and, if ignored, can prove to be highly damaging to one’s friendships, family relations, and even spiritual relationships. They can begin as something small, and if left untreated, these emotions can fester into something deeper, potentially ruining one’s mental state.

Most of us do not talk about jealousy in a relationship or envy in friendships because we don’t want to bring our insecurities to light. However, the Bible on jealousy and envy suggests that these potent emotions are harbingers of destruction. They can distort one’s frame of mind from depression and resentment to anger and self-isolation. Furthermore, instead of believing in God’s great plan, they create self-doubt and spiritual distress.

How to overcome jealousy in a relationship starts with acknowledging these feelings. Recognizing how jealousy in relationships can damage both the emotional and spiritual health of individuals is the first step in moving towards healing and peace.

How Jealousy and Envy Ruin Relationships

Relationships only survive with trust, love, and support. Jealousy and envy are their poison, creating rivalry, resentment, and separation. Jealousy can make us compete even with our loved ones. We compete against others instead of celebrating their success. Instead of appreciating the blessings that people have, we feel bitterness about our situation.

In Genesis 37, we see how jealousy in relationships—even between siblings—destroyed a family. Joseph’s brothers became so envious of him that they sold him into slavery. Their jealousy drove them into a state of blindness, forgetting that Joseph was their sibling whom they were supposed to love.

Jealousy in friendship can also be detrimental, leading to misunderstandings and isolation. Jealousy makes people do things they never thought possible—speak hurtful words, take one’s trust for granted, or even keep malice. It blinds a person and, more significantly, makes them focus more on what they do not possess than on what they are grateful to have. Over time, jealousy in a relationship can break the connection instead of strengthening it.

The Impact of Jealousy and Envy on Our Relationship with God

Jealousy and envy can ruin our relationships with people, but they also damage our connection to God. Why is this so? Jealousy in the Bible and envy in the Bible both lead us to doubt God’s greatness.

When we feel jealous or envious, we start wondering:

– Why did God bless them and not me?
– Has God forgotten about me?
– Have I done something that makes me unworthy of His blessings?

This is the ultimate concern that leaves so many of us questioning ourselves at a point in time in our lives. We stop trusting God’s plan, and we compare ourselves with other people. Instead of accepting the reality, we believe that He is unfair. But we need to bear in mind that there is no end to God’s blessings, as the Bible on jealousy mentions many times. When God blesses someone else, it doesn’t mean He is working anywhere else; rather, He has placed you in a part of His plan as well.

In Matthew 20:1-16, Jesus illustrates a parable that describes the tale of the workers and the vineyard. Some laborers begin the work at the early hours of the day, and as the day progresses, new ones step in. In the middle of the day, the owner pays for the working hours. Many of the long-serving workers were dismayed that they had not been sufficiently compensated as they expected, but through the owner’s reasoning, he had fulfilled his obligation.

The moral here is apparent: God’s benevolence is omnipotent. We should simply practice patience, as God always knows what He is doing and puts the pieces in order at the right time.

Combating Jealousy and Envy

The first step is understanding envy and jealousy. The next step, which is much harder, is reframing how we think and turning our attention to God.

Practice Thankfulness

The more we appreciate what we do have, the less we obsess over what we do not possess. Spend a few minutes every day thanking God for all the blessings, big or small.

Support Others

Instead of loathing someone’s success, genuinely congratulate them for their success. When we start supporting other people’s success, jealousy in relationships automatically gets eliminated.

Believe in God’s Sequence of Events

What God has planned for your life is very different from what other people might have planned for theirs. Just because someone is at a higher level in life doesn’t automatically mean you’re at a lower level. Remember that He has amazing plans for you at a time when you least expect it.

Pay Attention to Your Own Improvement

Compare yourself to yourself rather than others. Focus on who God wants you to become. Strengthen your faith, exercise your talents, and find out what work God has set for you.

Pray for a Transformational Heart.

If you are facing a struggle because of envy vs jealousy, speak with God. Ask Him to help you view life from His perspective and bless you with a heart full of satisfaction and calm.

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Discussion: When Have You Experienced Jealousy and Envy?

1. Do you remember a time when jealousy negatively impacted a relationship you had?
2. Which aspects of your life and surrounding blessings do you perceive as important, and how did comparison shape those views?
3. What actions do you find helpful in defeating jealousy and envy and fully trusting God’s plan for your life?

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We are all too familiar with feelings of jealousy and envy, but none of those have to control us. When we let those feelings fester, they hurt our relationships, take away our happiness, and diminish our trust in God.

The best part is that God always has a way out for us. Using gratitude and trust while adopting a new perspective allows us to break the chains of comparison and find contentment.

So, whenever you feel jealous or envious, pause for a moment. Let me remind you that God’s heart and plans for you are good, His blessings know no bounds, and most importantly, you are not defined by what others possess.

You are reminded that you do not need to panic because true peace comes from God, and He has provided us with everything we could ask for.

Part 2: Trusting God’s Plan Instead of Comparing

Key Scripture: Philippians 4:11-12

“I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.”

Breaking the Chains of Comparison

We all have that one friend or relative who seems to possess a lifestyle more fulfilling than ours, a career we wished to have at a certain age, a family we dream of having one day, and everything that we have had success in but has not fully materialized yet. The most dangerous thing here is that as we continue to observe their lives, we involuntarily begin to set benchmarks based on theirs, which leads us to the harmful habit of constantly measuring ourselves against others. This is where the difference between envy and jealousy becomes evident—envy often arises when we see others have something we desire, while jealousy can occur when we fear losing something we already possess.

Comparison is something we all struggle with. It creeps in quietly, making us question whether we’re good enough, whether we’re behind, or whether God has forgotten about us. All we need to do is take a peek in front of us and see what God has given us in life and what He still can do. Jealousy in relationships often grows from comparisons, making us anxious about what we might lose or fail to achieve.

God asks us to be patient and embrace trust instead. Believe that the life you are destined toward might be greater than what you have crafted in your wildest dreams or even in comparison to the expectation behind it. How to deal with jealousy is rooted in trust, patience, and contentment, as God has a plan uniquely for us.

Contentment Comes From Trusting God, Not From Having More

A majority of humans tend to believe that after achieving certain life goals, they will be ready to kickstart their lives with utter contentment. Such tick marks range from getting a promotion, landing an ideal partner, or even killing their only dream goal. But once you achieve what you have spent so much blood, sweat, and tears on, aren’t you still left wanting more? The difference between envy and jealousy shows here too. Envy is about desiring what others have, while jealousy often arises when we fear not getting what we believe we deserve.

Contentment is not derived from possessing and ticking off things from your so-called “wish list.” It comes from the already bestowed element of faith in God, who has provided you with all the resources at hand, and all you need to do is let go. Philippians 4:11-12 mentions the concept of being content with everything thrown your way, whether in need or abundance. Now, understand that this statement possesses ultimate value as Paul wasn’t sheltered in his comfortable bubble while pondering on thoughts. He was inside a prison, devoid of freedom, comfort, or security. And yet, he still found contentment in God. What does the Bible say about jealousy? It teaches us to embrace trust, avoid comparisons, and learn contentment from the life of Christ.

This tells us something important: Contentment is not about what we have. With God, everything will work out. However, if that peace lies in their possessions, life status, or self-esteem, they will always be unhappy. But trusting that God is in control means that we can relax and feel at peace no matter the adversity we are facing. When we focus on His timing, jealousy in friendships and jealousy in relationships lose their power because we trust that God’s plan is perfect.

His Timing Is Ideal

We are our biggest obstacles because we keep surrendering by comparing our success to others. While considering the life journey of others who are moving further in life, creating families, starting new jobs, and working toward other goals, we are often left wondering, what is wrong with us? How to stop being jealous is found by embracing God’s timing, understanding that everything unfolds in its perfect season.

Stop right there. You will do all of this and more when it’s your time. The one thing you must always remember is that God will show up when you want, but His time is highly unshakeable. This means you cannot enforce your deadlines and meetings on Him. In the same breath, Solomon reminds you not to mock His plans either in Ecclesiastes 3:1: “There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens.” God must live looking for what lies ahead of him. God never operates in haste. I will repeat that. His plans are never executed in a hurry or late or wrong.

Consider Abraham and Sarah. God promised them a child, but they had to wait years before getting what they wanted. Their journey tested them along the way. They were sometimes tormented with doubts, but in the end, God delivered. Jealousy in a relationship often emerges when we feel like others are moving ahead, but this passage reminds us that God’s promises remain secure, even if we have to wait for them.

The same goes for us. Just like God may be working behind the scenes on something we cannot see right now. He understands what is best. He knows what we need and when we need it. This builds our faith.

Gratitude: The Key to Contentment

Turning our heads away from what needs improvement to what is already present is a wonderful way to get through the troubles of comparison. This is the reason why gratitude exists. Feeling thankful to God for what He has provided is one way of shifting our perspective. Instead of feeling deprived, we start seeing the incredibly blessed situations surrounding us.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 tells us, “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” Keep in mind that it doesn’t mention giving thanks when everything is working in your favor. “In all circumstances” is what it says.

Gratitude is one of those rare concepts which is a choice. It is noticing God’s goodness even if circumstances in life are not its best. strive to understand what is being provided, and comparison starts to lose its relevance.

Having Trust That God’s Plans Are Better Than Ours

We struggle with contentment because we think we know what’s best for us. The reality is nothing compared to what we could think of; God’s plans are unimaginable.

Jeremiah 29:11 does not let us forget, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

It also means that we don’t need to overthink everything. We don’t need to make things happen. We can relax, knowing that there is a God who has a perfect plan for steering us in the right direction. At times, it may seem like it will take longer than expected and require more patience than desired; however, at the end of the day, nothing can comprehensively outmatch the magnificence of God’s plans.

How Comparison Fuels Envy and Damages Faith

Comparison is something we all struggle with, whether we admit it or not. It happens so naturally—sometimes without us even realizing it. We see someone else succeeding, and suddenly, we feel like we’re not enough. We hear about someone else’s blessings, and we start wondering why we don’t have the same.

It starts as a small thought, but if we’re not careful, comparison can take over our hearts. Instead of being grateful for what God has given us, we start focusing on what we lack. Instead of celebrating others, we feel frustrated by their success. And instead of trusting God’s plan for our lives, we start questioning whether He’s really looking out for us.

That’s how comparison fuels envy and damages our faith. It shifts our focus from God’s goodness to our own insecurities. It makes us believe the lie that someone else’s success is a threat to our own. And in the process, it steals our joy, weakens our faith, and keeps us from fully trusting in God’s plan.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. If we recognize how comparison affects us, we can take steps to break free from it.

How Comparison Leads to Envy

Envy is a feeling of resentment towards someone else’s success or blessings. It makes us believe that what they have should belong to us.

It’s one thing to admire someone’s success. It’s another thing to let that admiration turn into jealousy. When we constantly compare ourselves to others, envy starts creeping in.

Instead of being happy for a friend who got a promotion, we feel bitter because we’re still stuck in the same job. Instead of celebrating a family member’s good news, we feel frustrated because we’re still waiting for our breakthrough.

In James 3:16, we’re warned about the dangers of envy: “For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.”

Envy doesn’t just make us unhappy. It leads to negative thoughts, damaged relationships, and even sinful actions. It turns people into rivals instead of friends. It makes us feel like we’re in constant competition with the world around us.

But the truth is, God’s blessings are not limited. Someone else’s success does not take away from what God has planned for us.

How Comparison Weakens Our Faith

One of the biggest dangers of comparison is that it makes us doubt God’s goodness.

When we focus too much on what others have, we stop appreciating what God has already given us. We start thinking:

– Why does God bless them but not me?
– Why is my life not as good as theirs?
– Has God forgotten about me?

This kind of thinking is dangerous because it makes us lose trust in God’s plan. Instead of seeing Him as a loving Father who knows what’s best for us, we start treating Him like someone who is unfairly favoring others.

But the Bible reminds us in Jeremiah 29:11 that God’s plans are good:
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Just because someone else’s blessings have arrived before ours doesn’t mean that God has forgotten about us. His timing is always perfect, even when we don’t understand it.

The Lies That Comparison Tells Us

Comparison is dangerous because it convinces us of lies that aren’t true. It tells us:

– “You’re not good enough.”
– “God must love them more than He loves you.”
– “You’ll never have what they have.”

These lies are designed to destroy our confidence in God’s plan. They make us feel like we have to prove our worth instead of resting in God’s love.

But the truth is, our value isn’t found in what we have—it’s found in who we belong to. We are God’s children, and He has a unique plan for each of us.

When we stop believing the lies of comparison and start trusting God’s promises, we find peace.

How Can Trusting God Bring Peace?

Trusting God means believing that He has a plan for our lives, even when we don’t see it yet. It means choosing to rest in His promises instead of stressing over where we are compared to others.

Here’s how trusting God brings peace:

1. It Reminds Us That We Are Not in Control. Comparison makes us feel like we have to compete to get ahead. But when we trust God, we remember that He is the one who opens doors and provides opportunities. We don’t have to fight for blessings—God gives them in His perfect timing.
2. It Shifts Our Focus Back to Gratitude. When we focus on what God has already done for us, we stop worrying about what He hasn’t done yet. Gratitude helps us see how blessed we already are.
3. It Helps Us Celebrate Others Instead of Compete with Them. When we trust that God has a plan for us, we don’t feel threatened by someone else’s success. We can genuinely celebrate with them, knowing that God has good things in store for us, too.
4. It Teaches Us Patience. Sometimes, God delays certain blessings because He knows we’re not ready for them yet. Trusting Him means being patient and believing that He knows exactly when to bring His promises to pass.

Part 3: Replacing Envy with Gratitude

Key Scripture: 1 Thessalonians 5:18

“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

The Power of Gratitude in Overcoming Envy

Envy comes into our lives when we focus more on what others have and not enough on what God has given us. It makes us feel like we are missing out, not good enough, or that God has forgiven us. But just by being grateful, we can change everything.

With gratitude, our focus is easily shifted. Instead of looking for what’s missing in our lives, we must look out for the blessings that are right in front of us. This way, we automatically stop resenting others and learn to appreciate God’s doing.

That’s why 1 Thessalonians 5:18 tells us to “give thanks in all circumstances.” It doesn’t say “give thanks only when your life is better than others.” It says “in all circumstances.” That means even when things do not go our way, we can still choose thankfulness over resentment.

But how to do that when envy comes so naturally? How do we replace jealousy with gratitude?

Why Envy Causes Destruction

Envy does not only make us feel bad, but it has the power to damage our relationships, bring sadness, and weaken our faith.

When envy starts consuming us, we view people as competition instead of fellow believers. It becomes difficult to show happiness for others’ success because deep down you feel like you deserve more. We start resenting them instead of celebrating their success.

And the worst part? Envy hides away all our blessings. Think of this as holding a gift in your hands but not even acknowledging it because you are more focused on what others have. It makes us overlook what God has already given us.

But gratitude changes that. It helps us see all the good things God has already done for us in perfect timing.

Break Through Envy With Gratitude

You cannot keep gratitude and envy in the same heart. When our hearts are filled with thankfulness, envy cannot enter.

When you genuinely value something, it’s difficult to feel envy for others. Thankfulness shows us how great God is, how He always gives us what is necessary, and how we are not neglected.

In James 1:17, it says, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights.”

Thus, all blessings, regardless of their magnitude, are gifts from God. And if God has chosen to bless other people, it does not mean He has exhausted His blessings for us. His kindness and bounty are endless.

Once we accept and embrace that, we stop perceiving life as a race and experience it as a path filled with unique personal abundance that is carefully tailored for every individual.

Opting for Thankfulness Instead of Resentment

So how do we replace envy with gratitude? You have a choice.

Gratitude goes beyond appreciating something; it is a feeling that we can develop over time and comes with practicing daily exercises. Here are a few ways of having a heart full of thanks:

1. Put aside your phone, sleep well, and as you wake up, think about all the wonderful things that are happening in your life. You should start with the little things, such as waking up in the morning and being grateful for the food and even your family and friends.
2. Writing things down fulfills the purpose of gratitude: to show people how much they are blessed in life. Note down at least two things every day, and soon enough, you will realize how blessed you are.
3. Whenever someone comes along and receives a certain blessing or gift, do not become envious of them in any way. Instead, join in the fun and celebrate with them, reminding yourself that the goodness they have received is not something that hinders your blessings.
4. While dwelling over the things you don’t have, practice the opposite and thank God for the things you truly possess. Out of everything that comes out of your mouth, the best would be gratitude. The more you do so, the more your heart will believe it.
5. Sometimes, we end up feeling a bit green inside and think God has neglected us. But that is not true – all we need to have is faith in saying that I am going to receive all of our blessings at the best time.

Achieve True Peace With Gratitude

By picking gratitude over envy, amazing things happen in our lives. We find peace.

No more stressing about why someone else has something we don’t. No more feeling like we’re behind. No more questioning if God is being unfair.

Instead, we can peacefully rest in His greatness and learn to enjoy what we have instead of chasing what we don’t.

Philippians 4:6-7 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Notice how it says “with thanksgiving.” Gratitude is the key to peace. When we focus on thanking God, our worries and comparisons vanish.

Practical Ways to Cultivate Gratitude

Being Grateful does not come naturally. Sometimes, you feel thankful when everything is going well and when your prayers are being answered. But there are days when everything seems to be going wrong, and you feel like you are falling behind. Also, envy starts creeping in, but that is where gratitude saves the day.

Saying “thank you” for the things you have is not the only way to show gratitude. It is bigger than that – it is a mindset that helps you see the world from a different perspective without letting it shift your focus. It helps us acknowledge the things God has already blessed us with.

Good news! Gratitude is a skill that can be learned and developed regardless of which stage of life you are in. Here’s how to be grateful daily:

Gratitude to Frame Your Day

The first and last activities done each day influence one’s point of view. If, for instance, logging on to social media is checked first thing when one wakes up, there is a very high probability of feeling discouraged for the rest of the day.

Instead, we should practice appreciation ardently because it can help motivate us for the rest of the day. While still lying on the bed, thank God for giving you yet another day full of opportunities and life, and recognize them for all the people you enjoy being around.

Take time to reflect, no matter how overwhelming the day might have been, and find at least one incredible thing to be grateful for. There is always something good, such as the lesson learned, acts of kindness, or just the mere fact that God stood by you for the entire day.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 reminds us, “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” Gratitude isn’t about perfect circumstances. It’s about recognizing God’s goodness, no matter what.

Start a Gratitude Journal

Recording our thoughts makes them tangible. A gratitude journal is specifically designed to appreciate our blessings, great and small.

Every day, list three things you are grateful for. The things you appreciate do not have to be monumental. Pat yourself on the back because even small victories matter. Like an amazing boost in the form of warm coffee, hearing from a friend, laughing over the weekend, and so on.

During tough times, remind yourself of God’s goodness. Out of faith, remember His graciousness by going over your journal. You will be amazed how re-reading his sufficiency’s can help recenter you.

Talk About Gratitude

The words we use have great importance. When you keep complaining, you show your heart where to look. Making a habit of appreciating things, however, transforms your viewpoint.

This might help: ‘I must go to work’ becomes…’I’m grateful I have a job.’ ‘From carrying around my children, I’m feeling drained’ changes to ‘I’m blessed to have a family. “It’s important to note that appreciation does not mean you look through the faults your world does not offer. It means actively aiming for something positive amidst the challenges life throws your way.

Proverbs 18:21 says, “The tongue has the power of life and death.” The words we speak shape how we see the world. Choose words that bring life.

Show Appreciation Toward Others

Gratitude is not only something we feel; it is also something we express. When was the last time you appreciated someone and told them? A simple “thank you” can uplift someone’s spirits and make relationships even better.

You can send a text message, leave a note, or even tell an acquaintance, relative, or colleague whom you appreciate and wish to say thanks. The more we express gratitude, the more we appreciate how much we actually have.

Hebrews 10:24 says, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.” Gratitude has the power to encourage, uplift, and bring people closer together.

Refocus When Encountering Comparisons

Comparison is one of the worst enemies of gratitude. When we pay attention to what people have, we forget everything we are grateful for.

The next time you find yourself comparing, pause and think about the following questions:

– What are the things that I have already been blessed with?
– Which things am I thankful for at this moment?
– In what ways has God been there for me before?

You’re doing great. Don’t forget that your blessings are never limited. Someone else’s triumph does not equal less for you. A well-crafted plan is designed for each of us, and gratitude is one of the many tools that enables you to be confident that His plans are always good.

Worship in Place of Worry

Unquestionably, when we feel anxious or blue, the first option most of us drill into our heads is problem-solving. Why not switch things up a bit and turn those moments into something much more engaging and positive, like gratitude?

Expressing gratitude instead of caring about what’s wrong goes a long way. Focus on thankfulness for everything that’s going right at the moment. Instead of worrying about the future, His faithfulness in the past is a splendid option for which to be grateful.

Philippians 4:6-7 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Being thankful can be considered a powerful form of worship. Thanking God while going through difficult times means you’re recognizing that He is above your struggles.

Spend Time With People Who Appreciate You

Mindsets can spread like a disease. If we engage with chronic complainers and ‘something is always wrong’ focused people, we tend to develop a negative pattern of thinking that follows along that same line.

This is where spending time with the grateful can save us—people who have made it their life mission to appreciate God’s goodness. Chosen positivity inspires faith, and their joy reminds us of all the good that’s happening in our lives.

“Walk with the wise and become wise” (Proverbs 13:20) suggests that one should choose their friends wisely, and pouring gratitude onto those people who inspire you is a great first step.

But, more importantly, become that person to others by being positive and filling gratitude into their lives.

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Discussion: What blessings can you appreciate today?

1. List three things you appreciate right now.
2. What are ways God has taken care of you in the past?
3. Who around you deserves a thank you today?

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Gratitude is a choice. It is not just the feeling of being thankful; it is being thankful every day, focusing on what is on hand rather than what is missing.

The more we practice gratitude, the clearer God’s presence becomes in every facet of our lives. We are no longer concerned about comparisons, which results in joy and peace.

So, today, take a moment. Pause. Breathe. Look around. See the blessings that are already in your life. And thank God for them. When gratitude becomes a habit, our hearts are forever changed.

Part 4: Loving Others without Jealousy

Key Scripture: Romans 12:15

“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”

Why Jealousy Makes It Hard to Love Others

Jealousy is harmful. It not only makes us miserable but also negatively affects the bonds we have with others.

Once we allow jealousy to take over, we begin viewing other people as enemies and not friends. We shift our attention to what they possess rather than what has been graciously provided to us. This negative feeling can greatly impact our mental state, in which it can lead to further hatred, anger and sometimes even loneliness.

Consider this: Have you avoided interacting with someone just because you felt jealous creeping in? Maybe their achievements motivated them, leading the other people around them to pull away rather than celebrate.

That is what jealousy does: It fosters separation that should not exist. It separates people instead of uniting them, causing walls to be built instead. Celebrations allow us to come together and create bonds, beating out any causes for competition. Love does not compete; it celebrates.

The Power of Rejoicing With Others

When we learn to celebrate others, it is this celebration that helps us break free from all chains of jealousy.

When we learn to view life as a blessing, we realize all of God’s gifts are carefully woven into the fabric of life. Instead of feeling threatened, we are able to celebrate others’ achievements for what they truly are: absolutely remarkable gifts from God.

The goodness of God should not be viewed as a competitive game where winning and losing choices are made. It is rather a continuous journey where there’s no stopping and waiting in lines for your slice of pie. He pours his gifts over, throughout, and around us. Just like snow on a cold day.

When there is a belief in God, with these loops of blessings, the only thing left to do is accept the reality of endless favors from God.

May these goals inspire self-love and acceptance, devoid of thoughts about ‘better.’

How to Care For People Without Feeling Envy

Envy is not a thing one can overcome in a single day. One has to choose it every single day. Luckily, we can ask God for help. He can aid us in building a heart that supports others. Try these tips to get started:

– Prayer Changes You

You have the full right to feel envy. But shovel aside the problems that came with it. You can always ask God to make your life even better. With every single prayer you utter, bless their joy, their success, and anything meaningful. When you turn your eyes to that person and pray for them, envy will turn to love. The world is beginning to change. Pray for those you envy, take an alternative approach, and feel the difference.

– Place God Above Everything Else

You should rest assured that every person has a dreadful and cruel side to them. Never feel bad imagining that Person A has something you desire and every other person in your circle is assisting that one person. Everyone’s life is doomed to physical death, and everyone had bad thoughts.

– Shifting Focus Changes Everything

We as humans are provided much, but not all our wants. We are blessed beyond what we deserve. If we focus on thanking God for the smallest things in our lives, envy and jealously doesn’t even creep into our thoughts. Be deliberate in promoting someone’s good efforts.

Next time when someone shares good news, ensure you support them. Cheer with them, give them good wishes, or even do something to show appreciation. The more you practice celebrating others, the easier it gets.

– Hope that there are better things ahead for you

Occasionally, jealousy may stem from the fact that you are worried you will never get the gifts that you wish. But God has a designed plan for you. He is aware of what you’re looking for and is working on it in ways you cannot see right now.

Jesus: The Perfect Embodiment of Selflessness

The perfect, holy, and worthy Jesus probably did not feel jealousy, but we are not perfect like Jesus. We will certainly feel jealous at some point. Instead, Jesus decided to serve other people rather than seek His glory. Serving others removes jealousy and envy from our hearts.

In the bible, Paul says in Philippians 2:3-4, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourself, not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of the other’s.”

Recognizing Jesus didn’t serve a purpose for Him. Instead, He poured out love since He solely came to serve, not be served. We, too, must have the same mindset if we want to pursue Him.

Loving everyone is putting humility over jealousy. It means that we should be happy for others and trust God that our blessings will come in His time, not ours.

How Love and Humility Overcome Envy

Envy is perhaps one of the hardest feelings to confess. It enters our lives so silently that we don’t notice it until we have been fully consumed. It rears its head when someone else gets the shot we were hoping for, when a friend’s life seems devoid of hassle, or when we feel like we are being forgotten.

At its most basic level, envy is not purely wanting what someone else has. It is coupled with the feeling that we are less. It convinces us that if one individual is winning the race, then we are losing. It forces us to concentrate on what we do not possess rather than appreciating what has been provided to us.

But here is the truth: love and humility will always counter envy. In humility, we are issued a reminder that everything we possess is a gift from God. It is not something we mollycoddle or feel like we deserve more than everyone else. With love, we stop perceiving individuals as competitors. Instead, we understand they are people praised with God’s blessings.

Love Celebrates, Envy Competes

Jealousy and love cannot coexist in the same heart. Envy competes where love celebrates.

Reflect on a situation where you were absolutely happy for someone and celebrated without a hint of jealousy. Perhaps your friend got a new position, and you were excited for them, or maybe a sibling got married, or someone achieved a major life milestone. That feeling of joy is liberating, isn’t it?

Now, think of a situation where jealousy began to creep in. Instead of celebrating, you began comparing yourself, and instead of being happy for them, you wondered why you weren’t in their shoes. Rather than feeling calm, you felt agitated. That weight is exhausting, isn’t it?

Crucially, envy diminishes joy. It takes love and replaces it with resentment, with no regard for the consequences, no matter how dire. However, when we genuinely love people, we don’t view their achievements as competition— we view them as celebration.

That’s why 1 Corinthians 13:4 says, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”

Real love is free from comparison. It doesn’t ask, “Why not me?” It asks, “How can I celebrate them?”

Humility Reminds Us That Everything Is a Gift

One of the biggest lies envy tells us is that we deserve more. It convinces us that someone else got something we should have received, that life isn’t fair, or that God is blessing others while ignoring us.

But humility reminds us of the truth: everything we have is a gift from God.

James 1:17 says, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights.”

When we embrace humility, we stop feeling entitled to blessings and start being grateful for what we already have. We recognize that God doesn’t owe us anything, yet He continues to pour out His goodness on us every day.

That shift in perspective changes everything. Instead of envying others, we start thanking God for them. Instead of resenting their success, we start seeing it as proof that He is working in people’s lives. Instead of questioning why God hasn’t given us something yet, we start trusting that His timing is perfect.

Humility teaches us that life is not a competition but a journey where we all have different paths, different seasons, and different blessings.

Love and Humility Help Us Genuinely Support Others

Supporting others isn’t just about saying the right things—it’s about having the right heart. It’s about truly wanting the best for them, even when their blessings come before ours.

When we replace envy with love and humility, our perspective shifts:

– Instead of feeling insecure about someone else’s success, we feel inspired by it.
– Instead of pulling away from them, we move closer.
– Instead of secretly hoping they fail, we cheer them on.

This kind of support is powerful. It strengthens friendships. It deepens our faith. And it frees us from the weight of comparison.

In Romans 12:10, we’re reminded, “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.”

That’s what true love looks like—celebrating others, putting them first, and recognizing that their success does not take away from our own.

How to Overcome Envy Through Love and Humility

Breaking free from envy doesn’t happen overnight. It takes intentional choices, daily reminders, and a heart that’s willing to be transformed by God.

Here are some practical ways to cultivate love and humility:

1. Pray for the People You Struggle to Celebrate. It’s hard to envy someone you’re genuinely praying for. Ask God to bless them even more. Ask Him to give you a heart that truly rejoices with them.
2. Practice Gratitude Daily. The more you thank God for what you have, the less you’ll focus on what you don’t. Gratitude replaces resentment with appreciation.
3. Speak Words of Encouragement. Instead of staying silent when someone succeeds, speak up. Tell them you’re happy for them. Celebrate them. Let your words reflect the love of Christ.
4. Remind Yourself That God’s Plan Is Unique for Everyone. Just because someone else is being blessed right now doesn’t mean you’ve been forgotten. God’s plan for your life is different—but it is good.
5. Remember That True Success Is Found in Christ, Not Achievements. At the end of the day, the things we envy are temporary. But what about our relationship with God? That’s eternal. Keep your eyes on what truly matters.

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Discussion: How Can You Genuinely Support Others?

1. Have you ever found it hard to celebrate someone else’s success? What emotions did you feel?
2. How does love help you overcome comparison?
3. What are some ways you can show support to a friend, family member, or coworker this week?
4. How does trusting God’s plan help you stop feeling envious of others?

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Final Thoughts

Envy tries to tell us that life is a competition and that there’s not enough room for all of us to be blessed. But love and humility tell us a different story—one where we lift each other instead of comparing, where we celebrate instead of competing, where we trust instead of

doubt. Understanding the difference between envy and jealousy helps us recognize that while envy makes us desire what others have, jealousy stems from a fear of losing what we already possess.

When we love others the way God calls us to, jealousy loses its power. When we embrace humility, we stop feeling entitled and start feeling grateful. Instead of focusing on what we lack, we recognize the blessings already present in our lives. Recognizing the difference between envy and jealousy allows us to approach our emotions from a place of faith and contentment rather than insecurity and comparison.

So the next time envy whispers in your ear, choose love instead. Choose to support. Choose to celebrate. Choose to believe that God has good things in store for you, too. The difference between envy and jealousy is not just about what we feel—it’s about how we let these emotions influence our lives. When we choose love and humility, we stop feeling trapped by these emotions and start finding peace in God’s plan.

The difference between envy and jealousy also helps us realize that these emotions are not just destructive in our relationships with others, but they also cloud our connection with God. Instead of allowing jealousy to turn us inward and isolate us, we can choose to focus on the abundance of blessings God has given us. By understanding the difference between envy and jealousy, we can align ourselves with God’s peace and trust His timing.

Because in the end, love and humility don’t just change the way we see others—they change the way we see ourselves and God’s goodness in our lives. The difference between envy and jealousy is clear: one divides, and the other brings us closer to God’s plan for us. When we embrace the difference between envy and jealousy, we stop comparing ourselves to others and start living fully in the light of God’s love.

About the Author

The Christian Lingua Team is the world’s largest Christian translation agency offering translation and overdub services for video, audio, and media projects worldwide.

#37 Role Models: Who Following is Your Hero and Why are You Following

Part 1: The Influence of Role Models

Key Scripture: 1 Corinthians 11:1

“Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.”

Role Modeling in Life and Faith

Role models play an essential role in shaping who we are and who we become. A role model is someone we look up to and seek to emulate, often because of their values, character, and actions. Biblically, role modeling is deeply rooted in the idea of leading by example. The role model definition in Christian terms is someone who lives according to God’s teachings, inspiring others to follow suit. For Christians, the ultimate role model is Christ Himself, whose life exemplified love, humility, and obedience to God.

When we speak of role modeling, we refer to the act of exemplifying virtues and behaviors that others can look up to and imitate. Just as Paul guided others by imitating Christ, we are called to be role models to others, leading them with our actions and words. What is a role model in the Christian context? It’s someone who not only lives in alignment with biblical teachings but also actively encourages others to do the same.

How Heroes Shape Our Character and Decisions

It’s up to us to accept or reject this idea, but the reality is that our heroes directly influence how we live. Our parents, guides, teachers, and so on impact our values and beliefs in more ways than one.

Remember when you were a kid? You had a favorite teacher or an older sibling or even a friend, and I’m guessing you tiptoed your way through following them. You admired how they dressed and talked or what they did in their free time. Well, the reason behind this is simple. The people we admire impact our lifestyle choices.

Believe it or not, this behavior doesn’t stop when you grow older. The society we respect for whatever reason still impacts what we believe in and how we act. Sometimes, this happens without us even realizing it. This is the reason why we should always be critically asking ourselves questions designed to get to know whom we admire and the true difference they create for society.

The Power of Example

In 1 Corinthians 11:1, Paul wrote, “Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.” He knew that it was not about pointing others to himself, but leading them towards Jesus. Paul was fully devoted to God, which showed in the way he lived, and he inspires us to do the same.

This verse reminds us that if we are to admire others, we must be selective about who we choose. Role models of integrity inspire us to follow God’s path. However, if we idolize wealth, power, or fame, we risk losing sight of what truly matters.

Teachers as role models hold a special place in our lives, guiding us not only academically but morally and spiritually. A teacher’s behavior, values, and character can deeply influence their students, shaping the next generation of leaders, thinkers, and followers of Christ. Teachers, through their words and actions, have the power to inspire and lead by example, demonstrating the very essence of role modeling.

Every role model leaves an imprint, but the question is: What kind of imprint do we want to leave on the lives of others?

Role Models Influence Our Choices

Look back at the choices you made. The way you solved a problem, whether it was big or small, the way you interacted with a person, or the milestones you set for yourself — all these actions were most probably based on how people around you have affected you.

If you have a close friend or family member that you have a lot of respect for and they tend to be nice, patient, and generous, you will try your best to execute the same traits. On the other hand, if the person you hold in high regard tends to be selfish or dishonest, then you will begin to adopt those attitudes.

That is the reason for Proverbs 13:20, which states, “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.” Take a moment to think about and reflect on whom you spend time with because they can directly destroy your character.

Simply put, we follow certain people because we want to capture their characteristics. So, we must ask, are those people whom we admire making us wise, or are they pushing us away from wisdom?

As we engage in role modeling for others, we must ensure that we’re influencing them positively. Role modeling is a responsibility, and we should reflect on the qualities of a role model that we want to portray to those around us.

How Cultural Influence Alters Reality

Every one of us has control of who and what to follow. In this case, social media, movies, music, and television have labeled certain individuals as role idols, and some of them turn out to contradict God’s truth.

The world places great importance on self-promotion, riches, influence, and wealth. We are taught that to be successful, one must be ahead and respected by others. However, this is not what Jesus taught us.

In Matthew 20:26, He said, “Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant.” That’s not the message we usually hear, is it? Instead of chasing status, Jesus calls us to serve.

Instead of seeking approval, He calls us to live humbly. It is easier to let social media define one’s idol. People are more likely to base their personas in order to feel accepted instead of living with an internal purpose. This belief underlines my statement of idolizing individuals showing a Godly belief as opposed to a materialistic approach in the first place.

A role model characteristics go beyond just being admired; it’s about embodying values that truly align with Christ-like humility and service to others. Instead of idolizing fame, wealth, and influence, we should focus on the role modelingthat encourages us to live out Christian values.

Impact of Role Models Who Center Their Lives Around Christ

Ideal role models are those who demonstrate Christ’s love, wisdom, and humility. Role model examples include:

– Your mentor helps you develop your faith.
– A friend who always speaks wisely and kindly.
– A pastor or teacher who leads with great humility and wisdom.

These people, through their example, help us be more Christlike by being faithful, patient, and loving. They help us focus on the things that count—not money, fame, and power, but everything that honors Almighty God.

By role modeling a life of obedience to God, these role models encourage us to also get closer to God. They motivate us to grow spiritually, serve others, and even trust God during difficult times.

That doesn’t mean they’re perfect. No human role model will ever be. But when their hearts are set on Christ, their influence draws us closer to God instead of pulling us away.

The Danger of the Wrong Role Models

Although some negative influences stand out, like someone who lies and denies the existence of God, there are also those who are more subtle. For instance, a dishonest or gossiping friend can be a terrible role model.

A reminder from the Bible states, “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’” 1 Corinthians 15:33. This means that negative influences, even among friends, can lead us away from goodness.

Those we admire can have profound effects on us, and the people we look up to set our habits, priorities, and attitudes. Simply put, bad role models lead to bad character. This leads to questions like: Do my heroes inspire a more worldly version of me? Are they helping me grow in faith or aiding me in compromising?

Many people intend to follow God but tend to drift away from Him just because of poor role modeling without them realizing the repercussions. The reality of it all is that we are who we strive to be.

We need to control whom we admire. If our role models constantly chase materialistic items, fame, or anything that caters to self-desire, we’re bound to drift from what we value most. But if we follow people who love God, serve others, and live with integrity, those values will take root in us as well.

Identifying Worldly vs. Godly Influences

Almost everything we do is influenced by the world. Social media, TV shows, music, and even people we interact with tend to influence us. This, in turn, encourages self-interest, which leads to materialism and instant gratification.

The world views success as having the most money, fame, and power. It celebrates individuals who cannot think beyond their selfish desires and God. This promotes the idea of self-centeredness, a prideful attitude, and happiness that is linked with possessions and popularity.

1 John 2:15-16 warns us, “Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world.”

This does not mean we cannot appreciate a talented person or someone who has worked hard to earn our admiration. But it means that we need to be careful with who influences us. If the people we look up to value faith less than fame, integrity less than money, and holiness less than pleasure, then we could be following the wrong people.

Godly Influences: Whom We Should Follow

A godly influence is someone whose life points back to Christ. They may not be rich or famous, but their actions, words, and choices reflect faith, wisdom, and humility. They are people who live with integrity, who serve others, and who put God first in everything they do.

Proverbs 13:20 says, “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.” When we surround ourselves with people who love God, we learn from them. We see what it looks like to live with patience, kindness, and faithfulness.

Godly influences aren’t perfect. They make mistakes like everyone else. But the difference is that their hearts are set on following Christ. When they fail, they look for a way to be forgiven, and when they succeed, they glorify God. Their lives are not about beating personal goals but are greater than that; they live to serve in God’s kingdom.

These types of role models will assist us in maturing in our faith as well as help us become what God wants us to be.

How to Tell the Difference

Sometimes, deciding whether someone is considered a worldly or godly influence can be difficult. If someone promotes excessive greed, dishonesty, or selfishness, then we clearly know that their example is not helpful.

But sometimes it’s tricky. A person might seem to be a wonderful role model—they may be nice, generous, or even hardworking. But if these people do not possess God’s priorities, then they can also cause us to go astray.

Ask yourself the following questions while considering the people around you who may be influencing you:

– Does this person help me to deepen my walk with God?
– Do their actions and words show Christian principles?
– Are they more focused on gaining control or power and status for themselves instead of humility, integrity, and love?
– Following their lead, will I end up becoming more Christlike or more worldly?

The things or even a person we admire change our behavior and thinking in a certain way. Therefore, we need to analyze the people we admire and see if they lead us toward wisdom, truth, and righteousness.

Shifting Our Focus to Christ

At the end of the day, no human role model will be perfect. Even the best leaders and mentors make mistakes. That’s why Jesus should be our ultimate example.

Hebrews 12:2 says, “Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.”

Jesus taught us to live a life of love and service while putting God first. He did not chase money or fame; He served and forgave His enemies, all while remaining strong during His suffering. Once we start focusing on Christ, our approach to the world shifts completely. Rather than seeking success, we search for a deeper purpose in life. We go on to understand that which is truly great, and we find out that pursuing wealth and high status is meaningless. True greatness is being devoted to God.

In order to select positive influences, following Jesus and His ways must come first.

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Discussion: Who Do You Admire Most, and Why?

1. Who is someone that inspires you, and what attributes do you cherish?
2. Do they have heavenly influences, or are they simply worldly?
3. How did the people you chose to follow affect your decisions and behavior?
4. What actions can you take to have a more godly influence on the people around you?

—

The people that we follow and admire have the power to shape our lives positively or negatively. It is truly up to us. This is why we must always be aware of whom we let influence us.

This week, reflect on the people who motivate you and their impact on your life. Is there a chance they could be leading you far from Christ? If yes, take a break and go seek godly role models.After all, a person does not need to be famous for their whole life to be a hero. The one whom we should all follow and admire is Jesus because he sacrificed his life for us.

Part 2: Jesus —The Ultimate Hero

Key Scripture: Hebrews 12:2

“Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.”

Why Jesus Is the Perfect Role Model

Everyone has role models who they strive to be like and look up to. Some admire athletes for being disciplined, actors for being talented, or famous role models for achieving great things. But despite that impact, they all have imperfections. They struggle, make mistakes, and fail just like us; they are only human, after all.

That is why, as believers, we are encouraged to turn our attention to Jesus. Unlike anyone else, Jesus is the perfect example of how we should live. He lived his life without sinning, being selfish, or walking away from God’s intentions for him. He did not live for fame, the spotlight of the world, power, or wealth; rather, he lived for love, truth, and obedience to the Father.

If we want to know what true greatness looks like, we don’t need to look any further. Jesus is the greatest hero of all. His life teaches us how to honor God, and his sacrifice teaches us how to live our lives.

Jesus Led with Humility

In the world’s eyes, heroes are often powerful, wealthy, and admired by many. But Jesus showed us something completely different. He did not seek power, and instead humbled Himself and served others.

Philippians 2:5-7 says, “In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant.”

While Jesus could have demanded to be worshiped and treated with respect, He chose to remain humble. He spent time with the outcasts of society, healed the sick, and even washed His disciples’ feet. He never demanded recognition or sought status—He simply loved and served.

That’s the kind of hero worth following. A leader who puts others before Himself.

Jesus Walked in Love and Compassion

Jesus was loved by many, and one of the key reasons for this was His profound love for humanity. His compassion didn’t end with those who were easiest to care for. He extended His love to the outcasts, sinners, and even those who turned against Him.

Consider how He treated people whom others rejected. He was open and understanding, even when it came to the tax collectors. He didn’t shy away from eating with sinners, and He went out of His way to speak to the Samaritan woman at the well. This interaction wasn’t just a one-time act; it became a role model example of how to engage with people society rejected. Jesus role modeled compassion in a way that broke down cultural barriers.

Take Mary Magdalene, for instance—a woman often judged by society. Jesus’ encounter with her transformed her life, showing us that a female role model can be someone who moves from being misunderstood and dismissed to becoming a key follower of Christ. In the same way, Jesus empowered women, showing that they too could serve, lead, and exemplify God’s love. He didn’t see her as less worthy or incapable but as someone to be valued and loved, just like any man.

Even in the midst of enduring mockery and suffering on the cross, Jesus continued to pray for His enemies, saying, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34).

Jesus shows us the full extent of love—a love that goes beyond boundaries, beyond deserving or not. He challenges us to love others the same way, even those who may seem hard to love. We are called to role model Jesus’ love in our lives, reflecting role modeling in a way that leads others closer to Christ.

By choosing to role model His compassion, we set an example for others, not just by what we say, but by the love we give to all people, regardless of their past or shortcomings. Our role model definition of love comes from the greatest example—Jesus Christ. This isn’t a task of simple kindness but a life-altering choice to be a role model of Christ’s unconditional love in the world.

Jesus Spoke Truth With Courage

Aside from being loving and caring, He also spoke the truth and did so with great courage. He was ready to face religious leaders head-on, correct wrongdoings, and get to the essence of the matter.

Jesus was sure of himself when he stated, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me,” John 14:6. But unlike many others, Jesus did not put a spin on his doctrines for the approval of people. He presented the truth with love and confidence, nothing more or less.

Jesus’s followers should exhibit the courage to fight for the truth regardless of hostility and opposition. It means embracing the path of difficulty while ignoring the approval of many. A genuine hero critiques the apparent ideologies out there and declares the hardest/inconvenient truth.

Jesus Showed Unshakable Faith

Jesus didn’t just talk about faith—He lived it. Everything He did was rooted in complete trust in the Father.

He set aside time for prayer prior to selecting His disciples. He prayed at the Garden of Gethsemane before dealing with the cross by saying, “Yet not my will, but yours be done” (Luke 22:42). During the time in the wilderness when he was tempted, He also held true to God’s Word.

Even at the most difficult times, he always held true to His trust in God. He fully mandated them whether it came at a cost or not.

How much more should we pray and have faith if Jesus, the Son of God, depended on it so much? He teaches us that real strength is not what we possess but being totally and completely dependent on God.

Jesus Sacrificed Everything for Us

The greatest act of heroism is sacrifice. And no one made a greater sacrifice than Jesus.

He didn’t just heal, teach, or inspire—he sacrificed himself completely for our lives. He paid our sin debts so that our lives would be free. He went through pain so that we can have salvation.

John 15:13 says, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”

That is what Jesus did, not only for His close friends but for everyone – including you, me, and the entire world.

This is why He is the ultimate hero. Not because He performed miracles or gathered crowds, but because He gave up everything to save us. No other hero, no other role model, can compare to that kind of love.

Fixing Our Eyes on Jesus

Every person we admire will have their weaknesses. No human can ever serve as a perfect hero. But with Jesus? He is the only role model who will never fail us.

That’s why Hebrews 12:2 says to “fix our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer, and the perfecter of faith.” Not only is He the one and the only true leader we are allowed to follow, but also the one person who is more than worthy of being followed.

So, let us strive to imitate Jesus. Let us follow his example of humility, love, faith, sacrifice, and truth. Let us love the way he loved and live the way he lived.

Because in the end, He is the only hero who can truly change our lives for the better.

Learning from Christ’s Humility, Love, and Obedience

Following Jesus means putting effort into becoming like Him, not just believing in Him. Everything about Him, such as the way He lived, how he treated people, and how He obeyed God, are proof of the harsh reality of faith we must come to truly accept.

Realistically, it is still difficult to try to live your life like Jesus. Selfishness is what guides the masses, and the primary focus is on what’s in it for them, while success and fame should always be the end goal. In contrast, Jesus lived in obedience to God and loved people. If we want to be His followers, we must look up to Him.

What actions should we take to achieve this? How do we replicate His ways and implement them in our lives? Every journey begins with learning, and for this particular one, we focus on three characteristics which are love, humility, and obedience.

Christ’s Humility: True Greatness Comes from Serving

Nowadays, no one practices humility. Everybody seeks compliments, being put on a pedestal, and appreciation. There are lots of people on social media trying to show off how significant they are. But Jesus taught us to live life differently.

Philippians 2:5-7 says, “In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God.” Jesus had every reason to be treated as a royal Emperor, but instead, He chose to humble himself to serve others. He washed the feet of His disciples. He spent time with the poor and outcasts. He never used His power to elevate Himself—only to help others.

That’s real humility. It’s not about undervaluing yourself; it’s about valuing others. It’s about serving rather than being served, using what skills and opportunities you possess to their fullest potential.

Pride has to be cast aside if we want to embrace service as part of following Jesus. True service takes place out of the public eye and without reward. Because God’s Kingdom is built on humble service, true greatness stems from there.

Christ’s Love: A Love That Has No Limits

Jesus didn’t just preach love; He role modeled it. Every word He spoke, every miracle He performed, and every sacrifice He made stemmed from a heart rooted in love. His love wasn’t limited to a specific group or a set of people; it was inclusive and transformative.

But Christ’s love went beyond the expected. He loved sinners, the broken, the outcasts, and even those considered His enemies. Consider how He treated people whom others rejected. He healed lepers when no one else would touch them. He forgave the woman caught in adultery when the crowd wanted to stone her. He welcomed tax collectors and sinners, people others deemed unworthy, when everyone else avoided them.

In this way, Jesus didn’t just talk about love; He role modeled it. His love wasn’t conditional on worthiness, nor did it seek validation from others. He role modeled unconditional love, demonstrating that it wasn’t about those deserving it, but about sharing it freely with those in need.

Think about the women He interacted with. His love extended to women who were often marginalized in society. Jesus broke cultural norms, welcoming women as followers, leaders, and role models in their own right. Women like Mary Magdalene, who was once oppressed and judged, became central figures in His ministry, not as passive bystanders but as role models of faith and courage. Through His actions, Jesus showed the world that women too were to be valued and empowered to follow God’s call.

Even on the cross, when He was being mocked and tortured, Jesus didn’t abandon His mission of love. He still prayed, saying, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). This is the ultimate example of role modeling: not just loving when it’s easy, but loving in the most difficult of circumstances.

This is the kind of love Jesus had. A love that doesn’t keep score, doesn’t hold grudges, and doesn’t turn away from those who need it most. If we are to follow Jesus, we too must embody this kind of love—not just for our family and friends but for everyone. Even for those who frustrate us, those who hurt us, and those who don’t deserve it.

Because the truth is, none of us deserved Jesus’ love, but He gave it freely anyway. And now, He calls us to do the same. Just as Jesus role modeled love for us, we are called to role model that love for others, even those we find difficult to love.

In this way, role modeling Christ’s love becomes a calling for all, demonstrating the transformative power of love in action. Women, like men, are called to role model this Christlike love in their daily lives, shaping not just their own hearts but influencing others to do the same.

Christ’s Obedience: Following God No Matter the Cost

One of the most powerful things about Jesus was His absolute obedience to God. He never did anything for His gain—everything He did was to fulfill the Father’s will. Even when obedience meant suffering, He remained faithful.

In Matthew 26:39, the night before He was crucified, Jesus prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

He knew the pain that was coming. He knew the suffering He would endure. But He chose God’s plan over His own comfort.

That’s what true obedience looks like. It’s trusting God even when it’s hard. It’s following Him even when we don’t understand everything. It’s saying, “God, I trust You more than I trust myself.”

Sometimes, obedience means stepping out of our comfort zone. Sometimes, it means making sacrifices. But when we obey God, we can trust that His plan is always greater than anything we could choose for ourselves.

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Discussion: How Can Following Jesus Change Your Life?

1. How do you think your life would change if you practiced true humility like Jesus did?
2. How would your life transform for the better if you embraced the love of Jesus?
3. What do you think is one thing God wants you to trust Him with more?
4. What steps can you take to follow Jesus’ example of humility, loving others as yourself, and obedience?

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Being a follower of Jesus is more than believing in Him. It is about imitating Him: practicing humility instead of pride, loving instead of selfishness, and obedience instead of self-comfort.

Society expects a lot from us. We are required to achieve great results, love ourselves first, and value relationships only with people who value us back. It is understood that these are much lower than what Jesus expects from us.

When the expectation is to love Jesus, we must walk in His footsteps, transforming everything to Him.

Part 3: Following Christ in a distracting world

Key Scripture: Romans 12:2

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing, and perfect will.”

We Must Stay Focused on Christ When the World Pulls Us Away

Our life is full of distractions, and with every turn we take, something is always trying to gain our attention. From social media to entertainment, success, relationships, and so on, the world is full of opportunities.  We are constantly stuck in the middle, trying to find something valuable, things to admire, and what goals to attempt. But if we’re careless, we can end up pursuing the wrong things without realizing it.

Romans 12:2 tells us “Do not be conformed to this world.” We need to keep an eye out on who and what we allow to influence us. Is God’s trust shaping us, or are we letting the world decide our fate?

The challenge is not just avoiding sins but being able to recognize the signs when our focus is being shifted away from Christ. When our hearts start wanting worldly success other than spiritual growth, entertainment over prayers, and influencers’ claims other than God’s word, we might be drifting away from Him.

If you want to stay focused on Christ in a materialistic world, you need to start recognizing what is pulling you away and learn to guard your heart from worldly things.

False Idols Can Be Dangerous

When we think of “idols,” we think of statues and ancient gods. But idols still exist today—just in different forms.

An idol is anything in place of God in our hearts. This can take the form of a job, a marriage, money, popularity, or even a sense of personal well-being. When an individual bases his/her identity, goals, or well-being on anything outside of Christ, it becomes idolatry.

Exodus 20:3 says, “You shall have no other gods before me.” This is clearly more than just a command about people worshiping idols; it is crucial in ensuring that nothing and no one takes the place of God in our lives.

Every idol or idolized character fails to provide satisfaction. Money can be lost. Success can fade. Relationships can disappoint. But God is unchanging. When we put Him first, we build our lives on something that will never fail.

So how do we know if something has become an idol? A good question to ask is, “Would my joy and faith still be there if this were taken away?” If not, then it is time to surrender whatever has taken the place of Christ and refocus on Him.

Worldly Influences That Distract Us

We receive constant messages from the world about what we should want and how we need to live. It sets the definition of success and associates happiness with wealth, fame, and chasing one’s own gratifying interests. But these things are never truly satisfying.

1 John 2:15 warns us, “Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them.”

You can still enjoy life, but it does mean that we must be mindful of what we prioritize the most.

Some of the greatest distractions are:

– Social media and entertainment – These in themselves are not bad. But when they begin to dictate our lives and influence our thoughts more than the Word, they become problematic.
– The Pursuit of Success and Validation – Most people who work hard get results, and this is not wrong, but when our value is associated with what we accomplish instead of with Christ, we can oftentimes forget what is most important.
– Cultural pressures – The world promotes values that often go against God’s truth. Without His instruction, it is possible to start believing ideas that are in contradiction with His Word.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of simply going along with what the masses are doing. However, as a believer in Christ, you are expected to live differently, meaning prioritizing the right decision over the popular one and the everlasting over the temporary.

How to Follow Jesus’ Path

Following Jesus in a distracting world requires intentional effort. We can’t just drift through life and expect to stay close to Him. We need to focus on choices that strengthen our faith and what really matters.

Here are a few ways to follow Jesus’s path:

Refresh Your Thinking with God’s Word

Romans 12:2 tells us to “be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Spending time in the scriptures is the most valuable thing one can spend their time on. Our hearts are shaped by our thoughts. And if we depend on the world’s ideas rather than God’s truth, we will only learn the ways of the world.

Focus On The Impact Of Everything You Consume

Philippians 4:8 says we should focus on whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable. This statement emphasizes the point that not everything we consume or listen to is good for us. Recommendation: Choose media that supports your beliefs rather than challenge them.

Make Time Available For Prayer

Set aside some time for daily prayer. This is a solid way to stay proactive in ensuring that one stays connected to God. Prayer is not only about asking for things but also using it as an opportunity to let God shape your heart and decisions. Making time on a regular basis to speak to God will aid in ensuring the world’s distractions do not sway us.

Spend Time With Like-Minded Believers

Surrounding yourself with believers has proven beneficial in making someone stronger in their faith. Doing so allows someone to concentrate more on their relationship with Christ. The people we associate ourselves with are who we become, as Proverbs 27:17 says. “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”

Redirect Your Focus On Heavenly Things

Making God a priority allows him to put everything into perspective for you. You will find yourself chasing these earthly things, which may seem appealing but always leave one feeling unfulfilled. As Matthew 6:33 says, “Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” True fulfillment comes from pursuing God, not the world.

Practical Ways to Keep Christ at the Center

Keeping Christ at the center of our lives is easier said than done. Everyone has responsibilities and distractions that make it exceptionally easy to forget about God for a long time.

As stated earlier, keeping Christ at the center of our lives requires conscious effort on our part. There are always small, daily decisions we can make to help us stay connected to God even when life gets too busy to handle. But the question, how do we ensure we have an active, healthy relationship with God that’s not overworked or thought about purely on a Sunday?

The answer is simpler than you think. Focus on practical steps during your day-to-day life that will help you turn your attention towards God.

Start the Day with God

The first thing we do when we wake up speaks volumes. Imagine looking at your phone first thing in the morning. Scrolling through social media and then checking emails already sends your mind racing. Instead, what if we spent a moment focusing on God? Switching our focus from everything else to God helps bring everything into perspective.

Don’t worry if you are thinking this means you have to pray for hours at a time before getting out of bed. Even a split second for God has the potential to change your day for the better. Simply thanking Him for the new day or reading a short Bible passage can help begin the day the right way.

Giving God your first thought of the day motivates us to take life day by day rather than focusing solely on a checklist.

Stay in God’s Word

The Word of God tells us the essence of who we are and why we do what we do. When a person stops thinking about the truths of their life, purposefully, they begin to drift away from the essence of Christ. The methods of social media, news, and even entertainment are constantly replayed in the world, and if we do not take caution, we could lose ourselves to these voices and forget about the voice of God.

Role modeling is crucial here, as we should be looking up to godly role models who prioritize God’s Word. Male role models, like Jesus, show us how to live in alignment with Scripture, and they inspire us to keep focused on the Word of God instead of the fleeting trends of the world.

In Matthew 4:4, the Lord said, “Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God,” and He is correct. Just as our bodies need food, our souls also need to be spiritually nourished.

Indulging in the reading of the Bible should not be done as if the person is trying to complete a box on a list, but rather to make it their goal to hear God. His heart, wisdom, and guidance for our life pour into our hearts only through His Word. Remaining in His Word, no matter how minor the verse may seem, directs our attention to essential portions of life that indeed matter.

Make Prayer a Conversation, Not a Routine

There are set times of the day when people pray, myself included, before meals, at church, or when seeking help from God. Despite seeming casual, these set times can give rise to a false sense of security that prayer is being performed. A person can become routine-oriented along the journey and forget the sweet essence of a relationship with God.

Picture only speaking to your best friend for five minutes once a week. That wouldn’t feel like much of a friendship, right? With God, the same concept applies. He desires us to spend the entire day conversing with Him instead of just during scheduled moments.

Choose Godly Influences

It’s much easier to walk away from God when the people we spend most of our time with do not value the same things as we do. If we do not pay attention to our inner self, it becomes effortless to drift away from God.

We shouldn’t completely jibe interactions with non-believers, but seeking people who help us grow in our faith becomes even more important.

This might look like:

– Joining a small group or Bible study class.
– Looking for someone to help you out spiritually for mentorship.
– Hanging out with friends who motivate you to grow more in your walk with Christ.
– People who care about Jesus strengthen our faith and keep us on track.

Weakness: Being too attentive

Distractions go from neutral to negative and begin as small phenomena that start infringing upon our lives until they sideline or marginalize Jesus.

Consider whatever it is that passes the time: social media on a phone, work/school or personal goals, or specific forms of entertainment. None of these are sinful, but they do not help draw us closer to God.

According to Hebrews 12:1, “Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.”

This requires us to identify the things that pull us away from Christ and shift our intentions from doing, changing what we find necessary. In order to remain close to Jesus, we may have to willingly accept dropping a few distractions.

Live with Purpose

Being intentional is one of the best ways to stay focused on Christ, and viewing our day-to-day as contributing to God’s grand scheme of things certainly helps.

Work isn’t simply a means to earn an income, it is an opportunity to serve God through what we do.

Relationships aren’t limited to simply associating with each other, but rather, they present opportunities for us to show God’s love.

Problems and challenges are not obstacles or setbacks but opportunities to strengthen our faith.

As it is stated in the Bible, Colossians 3:17, “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”

When we take this approach to our day-to-day lives, Christ does not remain a small compartment of our lives but the very foundation of everything we do.

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Discussion: What gets in the way of being with Christ?

1. Which activities or events in your life pull your attention away from spending time with Jesus?
2. How can you make an effort to ensure Christ is a priority in your everyday activities?
3. What type of behaviors, people, or even things do you need to cut back on or eliminate to remain spiritually healthy?
4. What is one small step you can take this week to help you feel closer to Christ?

—

Keeping Christ at the center and focusing all while having to make daily decisions is not about perfection- it’s about choices and how to prioritize Him moment by moment and in everything you do.

Make sure to spend some time this week asking yourself what things are trying to gain your attention. Then, narrow it down to just one step you can take to focus your attention on what truly matters. Remember, the closer we are to Christ, the more we are free to be who He envisioned us to be.

Part 4: Becoming a Role Model for Others

Key Scripture: Matthew 5:16

“Let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”

Guiding Others Toward Jesus Through Our Day-to-Day Actions

Without even realizing it, each of us influences someone in some way. Our behavior, speech, and actions are the easiest ways to provide someone with direction, whether it be toward Jesus or away from Him.

Take a moment to consider the different individuals who have greatly impacted your life. There is a chance that a close friend, teacher, or parents as role models come to mind. They showed you what was correct instead of needing to motivate you to follow a set of rules. They acted in ways that proved their words.

We can be those types of role models, and it is Jesus who calls us to do so. He said in Matthew 5:16, “Let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”

This verse means that the activities in our daily lives should allow us to express God’s love, grace, and truth in a way that brings people closer to Him.

The question now is, how do we go about this? What steps do we take in our lives to ensure that others try to come closer to Jesus?

Allow Your Light To Shine

Being a positive influence in people’s lives doesn’t mean you have to be flawless. It simply means you need to be available.

People observe how we deal with challenges, how we interact with others, and what we do in practice. If we say that we are followers of Jesus but do not live any differently from the rest of the world, our actions become meaningless.

To shine your light means:

– To have strong moral principles, even when there’s no one around.
– To be selfless instead of choosing to be selfish.
– To remain loyal to your beliefs even when they are currently unfashionable.

While people may not pay attention to you, they will pay attention to your life. Your actions are your testimony.

Living With Integrity

Integrity is being the same person in public and in private. It’s choosing to do what is right, not what is simple.

Proverbs 11:3 states, “The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity“, which means you will be fruitful if you practice honesty but suffer if you’re deceitful.

People learn to trust you when you practice honesty, consistency, and fidelity. They realize that you not only talk about your religion but also live it every single day. That type of authenticity can be life-changing when it comes to convincing people about the God we serve.

Attempting to follow Jesus while living a dishonest life, gossiping, and compromising your virtues creates a cloud of confusion around people who witness it. Do they stop believing in us? We do not know, but living a life full of sincerity, humility, and fidelity makes us an epitome of Christ.

Loving Like Jesus

The best role models are those who love others the same way Jesus did and put themselves into other people’s shoes.

Jesus loved people who were not easy to love; that’s why He cared about the sinners, the outcasts, and even His enemies. His love was not only forgiving and compassionate, but it was also patient.

As said in John 13:34-35, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this, everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

If you want to lead others to Christ, then you have to love them like He does, which means loving everyone unconditionally, even when they don’t deserve it.

How to be a role model in this context is simple: love others as Christ loved us. Words don’t always express our love, but our actions do. Showing kindness towards others is how they will begin to notice the love of Christ.

Leading Through Humility

Many people think being a leader or a role model means being in control, being the best, or having all the answers. But Jesus showed us something different.

In Philippians 2:3-4, Paul writes, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

Jesus led through humility. He didn’t ask for attention or respect; He simply served. He served His disciples and even washed their feet. He always made sure people came before Himself, and in the end, gave His life for us.

In order to guide people to Christ, it is important to set an example. This means speaking less and listening more, making yourself secondary, and serving when the opportunity presents, regardless of the time or place. Leadership role modelslike Jesus show us that true leadership is about service, not self-glorification.

Acting Upon Your Faith

Not everyone will listen to a sermon. Not everyone will read the Bible. But everyone sees the way you live.

Your life could be the only example of Jesus that someone will ever see.

That doesn’t mean you have to be flawless; it just means you need to be real. People appreciate authentic faith, not a show. Such individuals pay close attention when they encounter someone who sincerely loves God, trusts Him, and follows after Him.

1 Peter 3:15 tells, “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.”

When you live a life full of joy, peace, and faith, people will start asking questions about what makes you, you. Those people will give you a chance to talk about Jesus, not only with words but with your life.

Mentoring and Inspiring the Next Generation

Whether we realize it or not, we all have influence. Someone is watching the way we live, how we handle struggles, and how we treat others. For many people—especially the younger generation—our actions speak louder than our words.

The next generation is searching for guidance. They are looking for role models who don’t just talk about faith but actually live it out. They need to see what it means to follow Christ in a real and practical way. That’s where mentorship comes in.

Inspirational role models are not perfect—they are people who show others what it looks like to live with integrity and devotion to God. Mentoring isn’t about having all the answers; it’s about walking alongside someone, sharing your experiences, and pointing them to Jesus. It’s about being real, showing grace, and offering encouragement. It’s about investing in someone else’s faith journey.

So how can we mentor and inspire the next generation in a way that truly makes a difference?

Leading by Example

One of the most powerful ways to mentor others is simply by living out your faith. People may not always remember what you say, but they will remember how you live.

In 1 Corinthians 11:1, Paul says, “Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.” That’s what mentorship looks like—it’s not about pointing people to ourselves but pointing them to Jesus through our daily lives.

You don’t have to be a pastor or a teacher to lead by example. Every conversation, every small act of kindness, every decision to stand firm in your faith—it all matters. When younger believers see you making God-honoring choices, even when it’s hard, it encourages them to do the same.

Being Available and Willing to Listen

Sometimes, mentoring isn’t about saying the right thing—it’s about being there. People don’t just need advice; they need someone who truly listens.

Younger generations are facing challenges that didn’t exist before—constant comparison on social media, confusion about identity, and pressure to meet impossible standards. Many feel lost, alone, or unsure of their faith.

That’s why simply being available can make a huge difference. When someone knows they can come to you without fear of judgment, they are more likely to open up. They need a safe space where they can ask tough questions, wrestle with doubts, and process life’s challenges.

Listening doesn’t mean you have to have all the answers. Sometimes, just knowing someone cares is enough to bring encouragement and hope.

Encouraging Growth in Faith

A good mentor doesn’t just give advice—they help others grow. That means encouraging spiritual habits like reading the Bible, spending time in prayer, and staying connected to a godly community.

Hebrews 10:24 says, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.”

We weren’t meant to walk this faith journey alone. We need people to challenge us, push us forward, and remind us of God’s truth when we forget. That’s what role modeling is all about—helping others stay rooted in Christ so they can grow stronger in their faith.

What makes a good role model in the context of mentorship? It’s someone who not only teaches but also leads by example, embodying the values they wish to instill. A true mentor demonstrates love, patience, and a heart for God, showing others how to live out their faith in everyday actions.

TThis doesn’t have to be complicated. Sometimes, it’s as simple as:

– Praying with someone who is struggling.
– Sharing a Bible verse that encouraged you.
– Checking in to see how their walk with God is going.

These small actions can have a huge impact on someone’s faith.

Sharing Your Struggles and Testimonies

One of the biggest misconceptions about being a role model is that you have to be perfect. But the truth is, being real is far more impactful than pretending to have it all together.

Younger believers need to see that struggles are a normal part of faith. They need to hear stories of how God has worked in difficult times, how He has provided, and how He has brought healing. Role modeling is not about showing perfection; it’s about showing how to navigate life’s challenges with trust in God.

Psalm 107:2 says, “Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story.”

Your testimony—whether it’s about overcoming fear, learning to trust God, or growing in faith—can encourage someone else to keep going. It reminds them that God is faithful, even when life is hard.

Sharing your struggles doesn’t make you weak—it makes you relatable. It shows others that following Christ isn’t about perfection but about trusting Him through every season.

Role models for teenagers often come from personal experiences and hardships. Your openness about challenges can be the bridge they need to walk in faith, knowing they are not alone in their struggles.

Challenging and Encouraging Others to Step Up

A great mentor doesn’t just help someone grow—they challenge them to step into their calling.

Young believers need to be reminded that they have a purpose, that God has a plan for their lives, and that they can make a difference. Sometimes, all it takes is one person saying, “I believe in you. I see God working with you. Keep going.”

Encouragement has power. It gives people the confidence to step out in faith, to serve, to lead, and to trust God’s plan for their lives

That’s what mentoring is about—helping someone see the potential God has placed in them and pushing them toward it. Role modeling is about fostering that belief in others and helping them recognize their value and mission in Christ.

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Discussion: How Can You Be a Godly Example for Others?

1. Who in your life has been a godly mentor, and how did they impact you?
2. What areas of your life do you think reflect Christ well? What areas still need growth?
3. How can you intentionally invest in someone younger in faith?
4. What is one step you can take this week to encourage and uplift someone in their walk with God?

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Final Thoughts

While we may admire other people, there is no denying that no role model is perfect. This is why following Jesus as a role model will always remain the most logical choice. You will be able to gain true purpose and wisdom from this relationship, along with a life that leads others towards God. In short, be careful who you choose to follow because actions have consequences.

About the Author

The Christian Lingua Team is the world’s largest Christian translation agency offering translation and overdub services for video, audio, and media projects worldwide.

#36 Taming Your Tongue: Mastering Words To Build, Not Break Relationships

Part 1: The Biblical View of Speech

Key Scripture: Proverbs 18:21

“The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

Words Have Power

Have you ever said something impulsively, only to regret it later? Or maybe you were complimented during a difficult in your life, and that compliment made your day?

From this, we learn that words can be constructive or destructive. The impact of our words is fully understood by the Bible; for instance, we can use words to either heal or hurt someone.

Proverbs 18:21 tells us that life and death are bound to our tongue. When we speak, we must be aware that our words can directly affect our relationships, the people around us, and even ourselves.

Jesus says that our actions are a direct reflection of what’s in our hearts. The things we speak of tell more about us than we would imagine.

What does the Bible tell us about the kind of language we should use? And what approach should we adopt to foster positivity with our words? By learning to speak with wisdom and grace, we reflect God’s heart and use our words to bring life. This leads us to our next important truth: The power of words!

The Power and Impact of Words

Remember a time when somebody’s kind words motivated you? Statements such as “I trust you” or “You’re not alone” can motivate and encourage you to keep pushing forward.

On the other end of the spectrum, a critique or insult can be so harsh that it remains in people’s minds forever. Many carry wounds from negative comments made in their childhood or during sensitive moments.

Much like James 3:5-6 uses the analogy of speech as a “tiny spark igniting a forest fire,” the tongue also has destructive powers when not controlled. One thoughtless phrase or angry remark can change the

context of a discussion and create long-lasting damage – the kind that is impossible to erase.

For these reasons, the Bible urges believers to use their words carefully. When guided by the Spirit, our speech becomes a reflection of Christ—communicating love, truth, and encouragement to others.

What The Bible Says About Speech?

The Bible is full of wisdom about how we should speak. Here are a few key truths:

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what helps build others up according to their needs.” (Ephesians 4:29)

This focuses on steering clear of speaking ill about others, criticism, and other forms of negativity. Instead, we should choose to act or speak in a way that motivates, uplifts, and creates a calm environment.

“The Lord detests lying lips, but He delights in people who are trustworthy.” (Proverbs 12:22)

Our words should be rooted in truth, not deception. Lies—big or small—damage trust and relationships.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)

Think about how arguments usually escalate. When voices rise, and harsh words fly, things get worse. But a calm, kind response can defuse tension and restore peace.

 “But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken.”
(Matthew 12:36)

That’s a serious statement. Every careless word—every insult, every gossip, every lie—matters to God. This should make us think twice before speaking without considering the impact.

Why Do We Have Such Difficulty Controlling Our Words and Speech?

Even while understanding the significance of our words, why do we struggle to control them in the first place? Gossiping, venting, and negativity really hit the spot for some, and for others, it may just be speaking before giving something a second thought. If not pride or frustration, maybe it’s insecurity that leads to saying unwanted things as well.

As Jesus said in Luke 6:45, “The mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” He means our words are an expression of our inner self.

That also indicates that our speech reflects the emotions in our hearts. So, the more love and wisdom we are filled with, the better our words will be. On the contrary, anger, bitterness, and pride speak for themselves, making it harder for you to control your speech. Hearts can be tamed by changing how we talk, which is the true essence behind speech control.

How To Use Our Words for Good?

Being respectful to and honoring God with our speech requires conscious effort. The following are some practical steps I suggest:

1. Take Pauses When Speaking

Before saying anything, ask the questions below and see if you would like to go ahead and say what you intend to say.

– “Is this truthful?”
– “Is this information constructive?”
– “Is this important?”

If it is a no, then the answer, more often than not, is to stay quiet.

2. Use Words of Affirmation

Cut down on your criticisms of others and instead offer them a helping hand. Sometimes, all that is required is a bit of supportive dialogue to change a person’s life for the better.

3. Allow God To Reform Your Heart

If you ever catch yourself saying things in anger or frustration, go on your knees and pray to God to assist you with this. Devote some of your time to prayer and reading the Scriptures because they will transform how you think and speak.

4. Make Amends When You Are At Fault

Everyone is unique in their own way. If you ever find yourself making rude remarks, do your best to accept your mistakes. An apology can be of great assistance and help you repair the damage done by the harsh words.

5. Stop Thinking Bad Things About Yourself

The way you talk or express yourself is influenced by what you listen to or watch and even what you think about. It’s important to surround yourself with the right people. For instance, if you are surrounded by negativity, it will reflect in your words. Putting your focus on the truth and trust in the word of God will help you speak better.

How Our Speech Reflects Our Heart and Character

Maybe you said something in the heat of the moment and instantly regretted it. Or maybe it was a comment made in anger that did not seem like a big deal then, but later on, you noticed that it hurt someone.

We must respect people’s feelings and take into consideration what we say.  The manner in which we articulate ourselves—whether it’s kindness or harshness, encouragement or criticism—betrays the state of our hearts. According to Jesus in Luke 6:45, what we say is a direct reflection of what’s going on in our hearts.

He made this clear in Luke 6:45 when he stated, “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”

This means what we say is a direct consequence of what exists inside of us. When our hearts are filled with love, faith, and patience, that inward abundance will naturally shape our words, leaving a Christlike imprint on all we say. But if our hearts are consumed by bitterness, pride, or anger, those will overflow as well—revealing the true condition within.

How does our speech reflect who we are? In what ways can we ensure that our words do not step outside the teachings of Jesus Christ?

Words Show One’s True Character

Try to remember the people closest to you. Do you realize that the people who are happy and calm usually speak highly of others? On the other hand, negative and bitter people usually do the opposite. They try to find a way to hurt others.

The simple reason is that our words are a portrayal of our thoughts. When happy things such as gratitude, kindness, and wisdom are stored in our hearts, they reflect in our words as well. And if anger, envy, and negativity dominate our thoughts, then those emotions are bound to come out. That is precisely why working on our speech is more than just manipulation of the words we use; rather, it is putting an effort into changing our hearts.

The Danger of Careless Words

What we say can leave an unexpected impact. A lighthearted joke might be offensive to someone else, while a harsh word spoken might hurt someone’s self-confidence. Proverbs 12:18 says, “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

Think of how a wound is inflicted; it cuts deep down to a person’s very core and leaves a scar; at the same time, it can also restore a person. A person can heal through words, and we must appreciate the power of language. The importance of thinking deeply before speaking cannot be understated. Regretful speech uttered in anger can never be taken back and has long-lasting effects much deeper than anticipated. To avoid inflicting such damage on others, it is crucial to remain mindful when speaking. This applies to all people, even those we are closest to, like our friends and family. A true shift in my heart stems from God; therefore, I must allow Him to change my heart and alter the way I choose to communicate.

In Colossians 4:6, the Bible speaks of how ‘grace’ alters one’s speech and refers to the need for ready answers to questions. Every conversation should be thoughtful and gracious, seasoned with truth and kindness, ‘full of grace, seasoned with salt.’

Practically speaking, one must always speak with understanding, patience, and kindness. Rather than gentleness, one can have strength over control, have truth instead of gossip, and have encouragement over criticism.

Salt is used to preserve food and add flavor. This can be compared to how words are infused with value, preserved, and not spoken to drain or discourage people.

While left with God’s wisdom to shape one’s heart, words begin to follow suit. Instead of speaking of destruction, life begins to seep through the speech and reflect the love of Christ when conversing with others.

What Happens When We Get It Wrong?

No one gets this right all the time. We all say things we shouldn’t. We all have moments when we speak out of frustration or carelessness. The good news is that God is gracious, and He calls us to extend that same grace to others.

When we mess up, we can:

– Apologize. A heartfelt “I’m sorry” helps mend relationships ruined by thoughtless phrases.
– Do your part. When a person’s words towards others are hurtful, we must strive to restore that relationship.
– Seek God’s intervention. Altering the way we communicate is impossible to accomplish on our own. Only His power and wisdom can assist.

James 1:19 offers some blunt but effective guidance: “Everyone ought to be quick to listen, slow in speech, and slow to wrath.” Imagine how different our speech would be if we adopted this practice.

The Manner Choosing Words Is Done Is Important

People today can be overly careless with their choice of words. Negativity, arguments, and gossip fill social media. People talk with very little logic and, in many cases, use words as a mode of assault instead of encouragement. As followers of Christ, our choice of words should stand out in this world of rage.

– Let’s replace complaining with gratitude.
– Let’s replace gossip with encouragement.
– Let’s replace anger with patience.

God’s love, wisdom, and words should always be accompanied by powerful messages. This shouldn’t just be done during big events but during normal conversations as well.

Discussion: How Have Words—Yours or Others’—Affected Your Life?

– Has someone ever given you some encouragement that strengthened you? How did it make you feel?
– Do you remember being hurt by something someone said? How did it affect you?
– Which specific aspects do you find challenging in regard to your speech—gossip, criticism, or impatience?
– What is one actionable step you can take regarding your speech this week?

In the end, all speech is a projection of what is in our hearts. Changing how we speak requires allowing God to change our hearts first. Be mindful of how you use your words this week. Are they helpful? Are they truthful? Do they embody God’s love?

Pray for the Lord to guide you, so you can speak with wisdom, patience, and a kind heart. Remember that the words you choose today can build up, break down, heal, or hurt someone. Therefore, choose them wisely.

Part 2: Controlling the Tongue through Wisdom

Key Scripture: James 3:5-6

“The tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.”

The Relationship Between Wisdom and Speech

Have you ever wished to take back some statement you made at some point? Perhaps it was an unguarded compliment, a critique that was somewhat brutal, or a statement that had some element of truth but was mostly false. Although words can be expressed very fast, the ramifications can last much longer.

Wisdom is not simply knowing what to say. It includes holding one’s tongue and speaking with tact and candor. Without wisdom, speech is likely to end in gossip, deceit, or other conflicts. With wisdom, words bring clarity, healing, and encouragement.

Understanding the Problems Caused by Careless Speech

Many issues that exist in the world all originate from careless speech. Relationships break apart due to unkind remarks, and trust is shattered by lies. Communities are harmed due to people spreading rumors.

One danger life warns us of is suffering that results from reckless speech – which can worsen very quickly. As quoted from Proverbs 10:19, “Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues.” This can be simplified to, if we talk too much, it is almost a certainty that we will find trouble.

It is easy to speak our minds, but common sense says otherwise. Not every situation needs your opinion, and not every thought needs to be spoken. True wisdom is knowing when to speak and when to stay silent.

Choosing Honesty and Integrity

Truth and wisdom are intertwined concepts. A wise man tackles hard conversations with honesty, prioritizing integrity as a means of establishing trust.

Proverbs 12:22 says, “The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy.”

No matter how small, even one lie can lead to a series of lies that become difficult to escape. Honesty, even when uncomfortable, brings peace and freedom.

However, a wise person also understands that truth without love does not reflect kindness. With no discretion, kindness can prove more destructive than dishonesty. Wisdom enables a person to understand the truth while ensuring that it is presented in a manner that heals rather than harms.

Handling Conflict with Wisdom

When we are provoked, it is very easy to react violently. Most people’s default response is either to argue or defend themselves. Wisdom, however, suggests a different approach.

A soft reply placates anger, but a harsh reply stirs it up. Proverbs 15:1. Someone who is wise understands that they should not let their emotions control how they respond. A wise person takes a moment to pause and breathe to formulate a proper response. They know that a soft answer can defuse tension, while a harsh answer will always escalate it.

When we rely on wisdom, we choose peace over pride and understanding over conflict.

Seeking God’s Help in Transforming Our Speech

No one controls their tongue perfectly. No matter how smart a person may be, they can still say things that are far from the truth. This is where God helps us use the right words.

“For example, Psalm 141:3 captures this very well: ‘Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips’”

Instead of attempting to manage our words by ourselves, perhaps we should ask God for assistance. If we devote time to understanding His Word and ask for His wisdom, our speech will automatically improve.

The Path to Wise and Godly Speech

Learning to manage our words is a lifelong endeavor but is extremely rewarding. With wisdom, we can end unnecessary clashes, strengthen our relationships, and honor the Lord in every conversation. This week, let us try to:

– Think before we speak.
– Use words to encourage instead of putting others down.
– Choose honesty over lies.
– Take a break before replying in rage.
– Ask the Lord for wisdom in our speeches.

If we make our words wise, we do not have to worry about causing problems and promote an environment of peace, faith, and grace.

Seeking God’s Wisdom Before Speaking

Have you ever said something and immediately wished you could take it back? Maybe it was a thoughtless remark, a sharp response in frustration, or a joke that didn’t land well.

Words have power. They can heal or harm, encourage or discourage, bring people closer, or push them away. And once spoken, they can’t be undone.

That’s why wisdom is so important when it comes to our speech. What we say and how we say it matters to God. He calls us to be careful, to think before we speak, and to seek His wisdom in our conversations.

James 1:19 gives simple but powerful advice: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.”

In a world where words are often spoken without thought—on social media, in heated arguments, or even in casual conversations—this verse reminds us to pause, reflect, and choose our words wisely.

The Cost of Careless Words

We’ve all experienced the impact of words—both good and bad.

A kind word spoken at the right time can bring comfort and hope. But a careless or harsh word can leave lasting wounds.

Think about a time when someone’s words hurt you. Maybe it was a parent, a teacher, a friend, or a stranger. Sometimes, words spoken years ago still echo in our hearts.

On the other hand, think about a time when someone encouraged you. Maybe they saw potential in you when you couldn’t see it yourself. Maybe their words gave you the confidence to keep going when you wanted to give up.

That’s the power of words. And that’s why seeking God’s wisdom before speaking is so important.

How to Pause and Seek God’s Wisdom

So, how do we learn to pause and invite God into our speech?

First, we need to slow down. Instead of rushing to respond, we can take a moment to pray or reflect. Even a quick pause can make a difference in how we choose our words.

Second, we need to ask for wisdom. Proverbs 2:6 says, “For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth comes knowledge and understanding.”

If we don’t know what to say—or whether we should say anything at all—we can ask God for guidance. He promises to give wisdom to those who seek it.

Third, we need to examine our motives. Before speaking, we can ask ourselves:

– Is this helpful or hurtful?
– Am I speaking out of love or frustration?
– Would I say this if Jesus were standing next to me?

When we filter our words through wisdom, we speak with intention, not just impulse.

Speaking with Grace and Truth

God calls us to speak with both truth and grace.

Ephesians 4:29 reminds us, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

This means our words should be honest but not harsh, encouraging but not fake, and firm but filled with kindness. It’s not about avoiding hard conversations. Sometimes, truth needs to be spoken. But wisdom teaches us how to say it in a way that brings healing instead of harm.

Jesus was the perfect example of this. He spoke truth boldly, but He always did it with love, patience, and understanding.

When We Get It Wrong

No one controls their tongue perfectly. Even the most careful person will sometimes say things they regret.

The good news is that God’s grace covers our mistakes. When we mess up, we can apologize if our words hurt someone,  make things right if we spoke carelessly, or ask God to help us do better next time.

Proverbs 15:1 reminds us, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

A simple “I’m sorry” can heal a lot of damage. And choosing gentleness over anger can change the course of a conversation.

—

Discussion: When Have You Regretted Your Words?

1. Have you ever said something in anger and wished you could take it back?
2. Have you experienced the pain of someone’s careless words?
3. What’s one situation where you could have used more wisdom before speaking?
4. How can you invite God into your speech this week?

—

Words are powerful. They can bring life or destruction. They can reflect Christ or push people away from Him.

That’s why seeking God’s wisdom before speaking is so important. It’s not just about avoiding mistakes—it’s about using our words to bless, encourage, and build up those around us.

This week, let’s slow down before we speak. Let’s pray for wisdom in our conversations. And let’s choose words that reflect the love and grace of Christ.

Because when we invite God into our speech, our words can become a source of life, healing, and truth.

Part 3: Speaking with Grace and Truth

Key Scripture: Ephesians 4:29

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

Grace and Truth go Hand in Hand

Speaking with grace means responding with kindness and patience, even when provoked. It reflects Christ’s gentleness in us, especially when we might feel entitled to anger. Grace does not mean we avoid the truth or hide it. Rather, speaking with grace means being honest in a way that is loving, respectful, and redemptive. It means standing for what is right and not hiding one’s beliefs. But as we all know, truth without grace is harsh and damaging.

Jesus modeled perfect grace and truth. His words were always frank and accompanied with love. Think of how he handled the case of the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11). He had to deal with the religious leaders ready to pass judgment and condemn her.  Jesus displayed grace and said, “Neither do I condemn you.” At the same time, He spoke the truth: “Go now and leave your life of sin.” That’s the balance we should all aim for.

Motivating Everyone Using Our Words

Many people neglect the power of encouragement. A statement aimed at motivating or encouraging an individual can significantly change their perspective, assist them in understanding their value, and help them deal with challenging situations. “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” – Proverbs 16:24. So, words of encouragement must not be overly complex; they can be as simple as saying, “I know you got this,” or “you are doing fantastic.” It can also take the form of “God is there with you, and He will take you through this safely.”

We assume that every person knows their worth, but many people live each day of their lives feeling worthless and unimportant. Thus, a gentle, heartfelt compliment can help them get through a tough day and bring some light into their lives.

But while we do this, we must be truthful and adjust the way we speak. Learning to listen and respond in a manner that will help them is crucial because they need help and will not ask for it.

Use Healing Words Instead of Hurtful

Everyone has experienced pain from harsh criticism, insensitive comments, or cutting humor—reminders of how powerful and damaging words can be. And, let’s be honest, we’ve all been guilty of putting others in those same situations when we speak without thinking.

According to James 1:26, “If anyone thinks he is religious without controlling his tongue, his religion is useless, and he deceives himself.” Truth be told, having good intentions is not enough; we must know how to communicate with care and consideration.

That means choosing gentleness over harshness, understanding over judgment, and words that heal instead of hurt.

This doesn’t mean you have to avoid a challenging interaction. At times, telling the truth is an act of confrontation.  But even in those moments, we can choose correct words without condemning them.

Jesus didn’t ignore sin, but He also didn’t shame people. He spoke in a way that led to transformation, not destruction. That’s the kind of speech we should fuse with healing and restoration. Words that bring forth truth.

How Do We Speak Differently?

To speak differently requires more than just trying harder; it requires letting God transform our hearts.

 Jesus said in Luke 6:45, “For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”

Our anger, frustration, and even bitterness can be reflected in our speech. But if we let God fill our hearts with wisdom, love, and grace, our hearts will automatically reflect that. The first step involves praying daily for God to guide us. A simple yet powerful quote, “Lord, help me to speak with wisdom, kindness, and truth today,” can create a massive impact. We can also pause before speaking – especially when we are frustrated. Taking a breath and asking ourselves, “Is this kind? Is this necessary? Is this true?” can prevent a lot of unnecessary hurt.

When We Get It Wrong

No one gets this right all the time. We will all say things we regret. But the good news is that God is full of grace.

As for me, the best move after feeling regret for hurting someone is to apologize. An apology from the heart, like, “I should not have said that, and I would like to apologize” helps to fix issues and build relationships.

And when someone approaches us with malice, we must let go of negative feelings and replace them with forgiveness. Proverbs 19:11 says, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.”

Even after we make a mistake, knowing how to handle our words is a strong reflection of our character and a powerful testimony of God’s grace working on us.

Speaking the truth with grace is more than just keeping in mind what we say. It is allowing God to enter into our hearts so that our words reflect His love.

This week, let’s try to:

– Encourage at least one person daily.
– Pause before speaking in difficult moments.
– Pray for wisdom in our conversations.

When used wisely, our words have the potential to encourage, heal, and direct people to Christ.

The Role of Kindness, Patience, and Honesty in Speech

Did you ever feel supported, encouraged, or even heard in a conversation? Words can build people, put them at ease, and even intensify bonds. But words can also create the opposite effect, such as injuring, dividing, or inflicting wounds that last longer.

To some extent, our speech is a mirror of our heart. Do we choose to be gentle or cruel? Patient, or do we act without thought? Are we truthful, or do we conveniently lie? Everyone has to reflect upon these questions at some point in their lives. As Proverbs 16:24 says, “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” The Lord has ordained us to kind speech that doesn’t inflict pain: a heart that aims to heal.

How do we move towards that goal? When angry, exhausted, or tempted to say something inappropriate, how do we train ourselves to mirror Christ? The answer lies in kindness, patience, and honesty.

Speaking with Kindness

Kindness in speech goes beyond talking nicely; it requires a great deal of careful planning and consideration to deal with other people. To speak kindly with someone, you will need to use helpful words rather than hurtful ones.

It’s easy to be kind when everything is going well. But the real test comes when we’re met with rude or irrational responses—when we’re frustrated or feel someone is unworthy of kindness. That’s when we must choose to reflect Christ’s mercy, not our emotions.

We are always going to be different from one another, regardless of whether we have met or not. “Love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back” (Luke 6:35). What we say about others, even those who inherently annoy us, is also part of the loving deed. There is space to change on your side in case you intend to create a more compassionate environment, one that promotes understanding instead of judgment. That shift begins in the heart, with humility, grace, and the willingness to reflect Christ even in the hardest relationships.

Simple acts of kindness should not act as a coping mechanism for needing to be truthful or affronting people. But it does mean we deliver truth with love, not cruelty. We can correct someone without shaming them. We can express our frustration without attacking.

Kindness in speech is a habit. The more we practice it, the more natural it becomes.

Practicing Patience in Our Words

If we’re honest, most of the things we regret saying come from speaking too quickly. We react instead of responding. Our emotions take over without us getting a chance to live out our intentions, which ultimately leaves us with regret.

We let our emotions take control instead of pausing to think. Similarly, James 1:19 gives simple but life-changing advice: “Let every man be quick to listen but slow to use his tongue, and slow to lose his temper.”

That “slow to speak” part? That’s where patience comes in. It’s the pause before we react. It’s the moment of self-control that stops us from saying something we’ll regret.

Have you ever been in an argument where things got heated fast? One harsh word led to another, and before you knew it, the conversation was a mess of anger and hurt feelings. That’s what happens when we speak without patience.

But imagine if, in those moments, we paused. If we took a breath before responding. If we chose understanding over immediate reaction. How many conflicts could be softened or even avoided?

Patience in speech isn’t about avoiding tough conversations—it’s about handling them with wisdom and self-control. It’s about realizing that not everything needs an immediate response and that sometimes, silence is the best answer until we’re ready to speak with grace.

The Importance of Honesty

If kindness and patience are about how we speak, honesty is about what we say.

The Lord is a God of truth, and he calls us to be people of truth, too. Proverbs 12:22 states, “The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy”.

Being honest does not mean being so blunt that your words hurt another person. It doesn’t mean someone can use “I’m just being honest” to excuse their statements. Honesty, in its true form, comes from the heart of a person who values integrity and would go out of their way to tell the truth while remaining considerate.

Honesty, at times, can show itself as a virtue and a challenge. To avoid conflict, telling a half-truth can seem like a great option. When trying to make ourselves look better, exaggeration can also seem like a way out. And when fear drapes over us in moments of weakness, lying can easily seem like the only option available.

Lying might seem harmless at times, especially when done to protect someone’s feelings or avoid conflict. In rare cases, telling the truth could cause unnecessary pain, making a small lie seem like the better choice. However, even small lies can slowly chip away at trust and create distance God, your loved ones, and even yourself.

Once you tell one lie, it often leads to another to cover it up, and before you know it, you’re caught in a cycle of deception. Over time, this damages relationships, weakens your integrity and makes it harder to be honest, even with yourself. Trust, once broken, is difficult to rebuild. That’s why the Bible encourages truthfulness, reminding us that honesty fosters strong, God-honoring relationships built on trust and authenticity.

However, the truth sets us free, gives us peace, and brings clarity. Living up to our commitment to speaking the truth eliminates all the burden of tracking who we told what. There is no deceit, and we can carry ourselves openly without the burden of hiding anything.

Combining honesty with patience and kindness makes the former powerful as it becomes a tool for trust-building, restoring relationships, and representing the heart of Christ.

When We Make a Mistake

It is impossible to never make mistakes in your life because there will always be a time when we run out of patience or forget to be nice, and sometimes, talk before thinking. We are not striving for perfection; we are striving for improvement. In times of failure, we can take responsibility. A simple “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.” can heal more than we realize. If someone has deeply hurt us with their words, we have the option to forgive them instead of holding onto hatred. In the end, anger only damages us as individuals.

Proverbs 19:11 shares the insight that ”A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” In this case, we have to remember that letting go of painful words instead of cherishing them is one of the best ways to lead a happy life.

—

Discussion: How Can You Practice Godly Speech Daily?

1. What acts of kindness can you incorporate in your speech, and how can you be more intentional about it?
2. Which area do you find to be the most challenging—honesty, patience, or kindness?
3. Are you familiar with either hurtful words or encouraging words? What impact did it have on you?
4. What is something you can do this week that is different from the rest that will help you speak more like Christ?

—

The way we speak matters. When we talk kindly, we think of words that uplift you rather than tear you apart. Being honest means accepting truth regardless of how painful it may be to digest.

With God at the center of our hearts, our words must come first. This week, let us commit to silence before we act, desire to speak less, and prefer to be Jesus in the form of a messenger. Everything we express in speech is meant to be examined because we will have reference to the Lord we love and worship.

Part 4: Transforming Speech through the Holy Spirit

Key Scripture: Psalm 141:3

“Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.”

The Struggle to Control Our Words

We’ve all said things we regret—an impatient reply, a careless joke, or a harsh criticism. Words are tied to emotions, and once spoken, they can’t be taken back.

James 3:8 warns, “No human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.” Controlling speech is difficult because it reflects what’s in our hearts. If we want to change how we speak, we must first let God transform us.

Words Start in the Heart

Luke 6:45 says, “For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” Our words reveal what’s inside us. If our hearts are filled with anger, pride, or resentment, our speech will reflect it. But when we are filled with love, patience, and wisdom, we speak with grace.

True change happens from the inside out. It’s not just about filtering words—it’s about allowing the Holy Spirit to renew our hearts so that we naturally speak with kindness, truth, and love.

How the Holy Spirit Transforms Our Speech

The Holy Spirit doesn’t just help us choose better words; He changes us from within.

He convicts us when we say something wrong, reminding us to apologize or make things right. He produces the fruits of the Spirit—love, patience, and self-control—helping us respond wisely instead of reacting impulsively. And He teaches us to balance truth and love, guiding us to speak honestly but with grace.

Letting God Renew Our Words

Psalm 141:3 is a powerful prayer: “Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.” Asking God for guidance before speaking can help us avoid unnecessary conflicts and speak words that bring life instead of harm.

Proverbs 15:1 reminds us, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Taking a deep breath, pausing, and praying before speaking can stop an argument before it even begins.

Seeing the Change in Daily Life

When we let the Holy Spirit shape our words, our conversations change. We start responding with patience instead of frustration. We replace gossip with encouragement. We become known for speaking life rather than stirring conflict.

This week, let’s aim to:

– Pause before speaking and seek God’s wisdom.
– Encourage instead of criticize.
– Be honest, but always with kindness.
– Pray for a heart that reflects Christ in our words.

When God renews our hearts, our speech naturally follows. And through that, we can bring healing, encouragement, and Christ’s love to those around us.

Practical Steps to Cultivate Self-Control in Speech

Have you ever said something and immediately wished you could take it back? Maybe it was a sarcastic remark, a frustrated comment, or a careless joke that hurt someone.

Words are powerful. They can bring peace or cause conflict, build up or tear down. Once spoken, they can’t be erased. That’s why self-control in speech is so important.

James 1:19 reminds us, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” But that’s easier said than done. Our first reaction is often to defend, argue, or speak without thinking. So how do we develop self-control in our speech?

Pausing Before Speaking

When emotions are high, words come quickly. But pausing before responding can stop us from saying something we’ll regret.

Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Even a few seconds of reflection can change the outcome of a conversation. It’s not about avoiding difficult discussions—it’s about responding wisely.

Choosing Words That Build

Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up.”

Self-control means asking, “Will this help or hurt? Will this bring peace or create conflict?” Encouraging words, honesty with kindness, and correction given in love bring life instead of harm.

Knowing When to Stay Silent

Proverbs 17:27 reminds us, “The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint.”

Not every argument needs to be won. Not every comment needs a response. Sometimes, silence shows more strength than speaking ever could.

Praying for God’s Help

Psalm 141:3 says, “Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.”

We can’t control our speech on our own. Praying before conversations—especially difficult ones—helps us respond with grace instead of emotion.

When We Mess Up

No one speaks perfectly all the time. There will be moments when we say the wrong thing. The key is what we do next.

A simple “I’m sorry” can heal more than we realize. And when someone’s words hurt us, we can choose to forgive. Proverbs 19:11 says, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.”

Self-control isn’t about perfection. It’s about growth, humility, and letting God refine us little by little.

—

Discussion: How Can You Surrender Your Words to God?

1. What is the biggest challenge for you when it comes to controlling your words?
2. Can you think of a time when you spoke too quickly and regretted it? How could you have responded differently?
3. What steps can you take this week to be more intentional about your speech?
4. How can prayer help you in moments when it’s hard to stay calm?

—

Final Thoughts

Developing self-control in speech is a lifelong process. Some days, we’ll get it right, and other days, we’ll struggle. But with God’s help, we can grow in wisdom, patience, and grace.

This week, let’s challenge ourselves to:

1. Pause before speaking, especially in difficult moments.
2. Choose words that build up rather than tear down.
3. Let go of the need to have the last word and pray daily for God to guard our speech and guide our hearts.

When we surrender our words to God, He shapes them into something beautiful—words that bring peace, truth, and life to those around us.

About the Author

The Christian Lingua Team is the world’s largest Christian translation agency offering translation and overdub services for video, audio, and media projects worldwide.

#25 Freedom from Anger

Part I: Understanding Your Anger

Unmasking Your Anger

Most of us see anger in one dimension: explosive, verbally attacking, and sometimes violent. But anger can wear many faces. It might be quiet and withdrawn, pouty and sulking. It can manifest as boundless and productive energy or be loud and obnoxious. To overcome anger, we must first unmask it. So how can you know if you’re prone to anger? 

You might be angry if, when you think of a particular person, you engage in mental arguments with them (which, of course, you always win) or focus on their less flattering qualities. When you see them in person, you work hard to avoid them, always in an under-the-radar way. 

You might be angry if you manifest certain physical symptoms, like migraines, gastrointestinal disorders, insomnia, or depression.  

You might be angry if your productivity has fallen off or you have trouble concentrating even on simple tasks. 

You might be angry if you’re short with others (my wife calls it “flaring”) or are generally impatient with life’s twists and turns. 

You might be angry if little children of any sort — your kids, grandkids, church kids — are a constant source of irritation. 

You might be angry if the quirks of others and especially your spouse’s seem constantly vexing and produce predictable grumbling. 

Yes, anger has many masks. So the first order of business is exposure, for it’s impossible to treat a disease if you don’t recognize the symptoms. 

Classifying Your Anger

Having unmasked our anger, we’re ready to classify it, for not all anger is equal. There’s a profound difference between a neutral, non-sinful emotion of anger and the sin of anger. 

God has made us with numerous emotions and affections — joy and sadness, love and hate, jealousy, passion, anger, fear. There are sinful and non-sinful versions of each one. People are often fearful without being sinful, but if it reflects a lapse in one’s trust in God and becomes paralyzing and prevents one from doing one’s duty, now it’s sin. The Scripture enjoins us, “Be angry and [yet] do not sin” (Eph. 4:26). Clearly, anger is not always sinful. 

In fact, righteous anger is the proper response to all that is evil. Indeed, Phinehas was commended by God for his righteous indignation when he stopped the plague by impaling the Simeonite and his Midianite lover (Num. 25:1–15). Likewise, Samuel displayed righteous anger over Saul’s refusal to obey the Lord and destroy the Amalekites when Samuel hacked to death Agag, king of the Amalekites (1 Sam. 15:32–33). 

But the chief apologetic for the existence of non-sinful anger is God himself. Scripture often speaks of God’s wrath in punishing the wicked. And Jesus Christ was clearly angry at several junctures, as with the heartless Pharisees (Mark 3:1–6) and the unscrupulous temple vendors (Mark 11:15–19). Indeed, when Jesus returns, the wicked will hide “themselves … calling to the mountains and the rocks, ‘Fall on us and hide us from the face of him who is seated on the throne, and from the wrath of the Lamb, for the great day of their wrath has come, and who can stand?’” (Rev. 6:15–17).

Since it is possible to be angry and yet not sin, when does anger cross the line? When does it overflow its banks and wreak havoc both on others and on one’s own soul? 

Anger is sinful when it results in attitudes and actions contrary to the law of love, the second great commandment. Colossians 3:8 says, “But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.” Clearly, Scripture is talking about sinful anger by virtue of anger’s associates — malice, slander, obscene talk. Ephesians 4:31 adds bitterness and clamor; all are grievous to the Holy Spirit (Eph. 4:30). 

Addressing Your Anger

So sinful anger harms our relationship with God and others. But isn’t anger as common as a snowy day in Vermont? Do we really need to be concerned about little daily fits of anger? Do we really need to call 911? 

Absolutely! Anger must be addressed thoroughly and quickly. Here’s why.

First, Scripture gives dire and frequent warnings regarding sinful anger. The “works of the flesh” include “enmity, strife, jealousy, [and] fits of anger,” and “those who [practice] such things will not inherit the kingdom of God” (Gal. 5:20–21). 

James, writing to the churches to help them distinguish true faith from devil faith, admonishes them to “be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God (James 1:19–20). It’s the difference between being a doer of the Word and merely a hearer who deludes himself (James 1:22–25). 

Jesus also makes it clear in the Sermon on the Mount that unchecked anger breaks the sixth commandment, which prohibits murder: “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire” (Matt. 5:21–22). “Liable to judgment,” “liable to the council,” and “liable to the hell of fire” are synonymous phrases. Practicing anger toward one another makes one eternally guilty before God. 

Anger is nothing to smirk at. A lifestyle of habitual anger marks even the most earnest professing believer as possessing devil faith and subject to God’s eternal wrath. If your life is characterized by anger, you need to dial 911, for “it is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God” (Heb. 10:32). 

But anger is often a besetting sin even for true believers. Why declare war on it? Because unchecked anger is a river overflowing its banks, a nuclear plant in meltdown, a campfire turned wildfire. And it’s seldom silent, often manifesting itself in destructive words. James describes the angry tongue as “a restless evil, full of deadly poison” (James 3:8), and Matthew says that “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks” (Matt. 12:34). When sinful anger fills the heart, “malice, slander and obscene talk” invariably fill the mouth (Col. 3:8). And more violent behavior may soon follow. 

So sinful anger is a threat to your soul and a danger to your relationships. It must be taken seriously and addressed vigorously. That everyone occasionally loses their temper is no excuse for giving anger a pass. Sinful anger displeases God and must be overcome. 

The good news is that it can be overcome. In fact, for the believer, it is being progressively overcome from one degree of glory to another (2 Cor. 3:18). But how? What must we know and what must we do to overcome our sinful anger? In the next section, we’ll consider four critical components to overcoming anger. 

Discussion & Reflection:

1. How does this section shed light on your understanding of your own anger? 
2. In what situations do you find yourself most angry? 
3. What is the thing you get most angry about? 

Part II: Can You Overcome Your Anger?

Power for Overcoming Anger

The power of God is necessary in all matters related to holiness, and our struggle with the sin of anger is no exception. But what is the source of that power? How does God communicate this power to hapless, helpless sinners like us? And what is the promised result of having God’s power in our lives? 

The Gospel: The Source of God’s Power

Romans 1:16 says, “For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek.” The gospel is the power of God for salvation, for holiness, for overcoming the sin of anger, for everyone who believes. How does that work? Let’s look to Romans 6:1–7 for the answer:

What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it? Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For the one who has died has been set free from sin.

Paul is saying that if you are a believer, you were united to Jesus in his sin-killing death by faith alone. This union with Jesus in his death is the best assurance that one day you will be united with him in his resurrection. But how were you united? 

The Holy Spirit: The Instrument of God’s Power

When you came to Christ, an amazing thing happened. God’s Spirit joined you to Christ in his death. He gave you a new heart. Specifically, he circumcised your old heart by removing the foreskin of sin that formerly dwelt there and controlled your heart (Rom. 2:25–29), and he empowered your new heart by inscribing God’s law upon it, enabling you to walk in its statutes, albeit imperfectly (Ezek. 36:26–27, Rom. 8:1–4, 2 Cor. 3:1–3, Heb. 8:10). 

He filled you with himself and thus initiated the process of filling you completely with the Triune God at Christ’s appearing (Acts 1:4–5, 2:4; 1 Cor. 12:13; Eph. 3:15–19). And the Holy Spirit sealed you, being the downpayment for your future inheritance and union with Christ in his resurrection (Rom. 5:9–10, 6:5; Eph. 1:13–14). 

So God’s Spirit is the instrument of God’s power, freeing you from sin’s dominion: “For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death” (Rom. 8:2). So what’s the value of your union with Christ in his death by his Spirit? Sin’s power over you has been broken. 

Read that again: sin’s power over you has been broken! The old self was crucified (Rom. 6:6). Sin no longer has dominion, for the one who has died is freed from sin’s power (Rom. 6:7). As Paul says, “But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, and having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness” (Rom. 6:17–18). 

Freedom: The Result of God’s Power

The work of Christ as revealed in the gospel is the source of God’s power in you, and the Spirit of Christ, who joins us to Christ by faith, is its instrument. And the result? Freedom! Freedom from sin’s suffocating dominion. Listen again to Romans 6, this time verses 12–14:

Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness. For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace. 

Sin’s reign has ended. Believers are now free — not to sin, but to present themselves and their members to God for righteousness. There’s a new sheriff in town and his name is Jesus, God’s Son, and when he sets a person free, that person is free indeed from sin’s mastery (John 8:36). Hallelujah!

Romans 8:12–13 says this of the Spirit’s work: “So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live.” Notice Romans 8:13 is not a commandment, but a description of the normal Christian life. All true believers are progressively, by God’s Spirit, putting to death the deeds of the body because they are no longer debtors to the flesh. As Paul said earlier, believers are “not in the flesh but in the Spirit” (Rom. 8:9), for “the mind that is set on the flesh … does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God” (Rom. 8:7–8). 

But there seems to be a catch. If Christ truly sets us free from sin’s controlling power, how do we explain the Romans 7 “believer” who still appears to be enslaved in some way to his sin? If we’re truly free to respond to life’s twists and turns with joy and not anger, what do we do with Romans 7:13–25? 

In these verses, Paul seems to be describing a believer’s struggle with sin: 

For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. … For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. … For I delight in the law of God. (Rom. 7:15, 18–19, 22). 

If this man has been freed from sin, how do we explain his inability to resist the law of sin which indwells him (Rom. 7:20–21)? Is this not clear evidence that believers, even the great Apostle Paul, are still somehow enslaved to their sin?  

However, a closer examination of the passage reveals that the Apostle Paul is describing his life before Christ. We see this first in Paul’s own description of himself. Romans 7:14 says, “For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin.” Surely one who has been redeemed from slavery to sin cannot be sold under it. 

Paul continues: “I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing” (Rom. 7:18–19). He continues: “For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members” (Rom. 7:22–23). The Romans 7 man is consistently defeated by and enslaved to sin, marking him as unregenerate, which follows Romans 6:1–23, 7:1–12, 8:1–17 and texts like John 8:36.

We must also consider the main point of the passage. Paul is seeking to exonerate the law as the cause of his death and instead, place that charge squarely on sin. The question that introduces the passage — “Did that which is good, then, bring death to me?” (Rom. 7:13) — controls all that follows. Paul is inquiring as to the cause of the unbeliever’s condemnation, not the struggle of the believer’s sanctification. And his answer is crisp: Condemnation — spiritual death — was caused, not by the holy, righteous, and good law, but by indwelling sin. The passage has nothing to do with the believer except to explain his bondage to sin before Christ set him free. His pathetic cry as an unbeliever: “Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from the body of death?” is answered by God: “Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Rom. 7:24). Jesus Christ through his Spirit sets the prisoner of sin free (Rom. 8:2).

So Romans 7:13–25 describes a person enslaved to sin and justly condemned to eternal death. This person was not in the Spirit, but still in the flesh, desperate for deliverance and thankful that Jesus through his Spirit has now set him free from the law of sin and death. Had Charles Wesley lived in apostolic times, no doubt the Romans 7 man would have exalted in his freedom from sin’s power singing: “Long my imprisoned spirit lay, fast bound in sin and nature’s night; Thine eye diffused a quick’ning ray—I woke, the dungeon flamed with light. My chains fell off, my heart was free, I rose, went forth, and followed Thee.”

Yes, the power of Christ’s gospel through the agency of God’s Spirit has set the prisoner free, but the residue of sin is strong. Like the odor of a dead skunk lying in the road, that sin, including sinful anger, stinks to high heaven. In the next section, we’ll consider practical steps you can take to mortify sin’s presence and dissipate its awful stench.

Discussion & Reflection:

1. Did any of the above material challenge your view of anger — or any sin — in your life?
2. Can you articulate in your own words why you have hope for overcoming sin? 

Part III: Steps to Overcoming Anger

You are a new creation in Christ (2 Cor. 5:17). You can confidently battle sin, for God “is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think … according to the power at work within us” (Eph. 3:20). Praise God!

But we still need to wield that power. Here are five practical steps to take in battling sin:

1. Perceive your sinless Savior
2. Process non-sinful anger
3. Put off sinful anger
4. Put on love
5. Prepare for ongoing struggle

Step 1: Perceive Your Sinless Savior (2 Cor. 3:18)

This first step, the most important of the five, centers on the affections. Jonathan Edwards defined affections as “the vigorous inclinations of the soul.” In 1746, in his magnum opus, Religious Affections, Edwards asserted that, “true religion, in great part, consists in the affections,” rather than consisting mainly in the understanding. Today, we might say that real Christianity or true conversion consists mainly in the heart, not the head. 

Thomas Chalmers, the great Scottish preacher who lived nearly a century after Edwards, preached on “The Expulsive Power of a New Affection.” In that sermon, Chalmers explains the process for overcoming worldliness: “You have all heard that Nature abhors a vacuum. Such at least is the nature of the heart; [it] cannot be left void without the pain of most intolerable suffering. … The love of the world cannot be expunged by a mere demonstration of the world’s worthlessness. But may it not be supplanted by the love of that which is more worthy than itself? … [T]he only way to dispossess [the heart] of an old affection is by the expulsive power of a new one.”

What is that new affection? It’s a vigorous inclination for the Lord Jesus Christ himself. Thus, the first step in overcoming our sinful anger is to engage this new affection for Christ by applying the spiritual freedom we now possess. And what does that look like, engaging the new affection, applying that spiritual freedom?

Behold Christ’s Beauty (Ps. 27:4, 2 Cor. 3:12–18, Col. 3:2, Heb. 12:2)

“One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to [behold] the beauty of the Lord and to meditate in his temple” (Ps. 27:4). 

We were created to love and honor and worship our Creator. But something happened: sin. When Adam sinned, all of humanity was plunged into sin with its moral impotence, unable to worship or even see God. 

But the gospel of Jesus Christ changed all that. Second Corinthians 3:12–18 describes our liberation: 

Since we have such a hope, we are very bold, not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face so that the Israelites might not gaze at the outcome of what was being brought to an end. But their minds were hardened. For to this day, when they read the old covenant that same veil remains unlifted, because only through Christ is it taken away. Yes, to this day whenever Moses is read a veil lies over their hearts. But when one turns to the Lord, the veil is removed. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

In other words, “I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see.” Where the Spirit is, there is freedom to behold God in the person of his Son; freedom to fix our eyes on Jesus (Heb. 12:2); freedom to set our affections on things above (Col. 3:2). Though “we [still] see in a mirror dimly (1 Cor. 13:12),” our vision has been sufficiently restored so that we can behold Christ with eyes of faith and worship our great Triune God through him. 

So how do we behold him? This could be a field guide by itself. We behold him in creation, since all things were made through him; we behold him in the church, since all believers are indwelt by him; and most importantly, we behold him in the Scriptures, since all the biblical authors wrote of him (John 5:39–46). Every institution in the Bible; every prophet, priest and king; every sacrifice and covenant; everything we read about the nation of Israel; indeed, the entire Bible points to Christ and his death, burial, and resurrection for the sins of God’s people (Luke 24:27). We behold Christ most clearly and comprehensively in his Word.

And what is the result of beholding him? Transformation!

Be Transformed into God’s Image (Rom. 12:2, 2 Cor. 3:18, Col. 3:10)

We become what we behold, or as Greg Beale put it: we become what we worship. Beholding Christ, who is the radiance of God’s glory, results in “being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another” by the power of his indwelling Spirit (2 Cor. 3:17–18). Renewing our minds by setting them on the things above — principally God’s Son — produces transformation into the image of our glorious creator (Rom. 12:2; Col. 3:2, 10). Gazing at Christ, our new affection, is the biblical formula for expelling sinful anger and putting love in its place.  

But how does gazing at Christ practically help us with our anger? Two ways. First, as we behold our sinless Savior, we see righteous anger on display as we noted earlier. Jesus was tempted in all things as we are, Hebrews 4 reminds us, yet without sin. When we perceive his character, seeing the beauty of being angry yet without sin, we begin to move in that direction. We’re being transformed into his lovely image. 

Second, as we behold our beautiful Savior, we are confronted with his desperation, voiced in his prayers to God for deliverance: “In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence” (Heb. 5:7). Perceiving, gazing, and beholding Christ leads us to a state of increasing desperation. Obviously, if Jesus was desperate for deliverance, how much more should that be true of us? So we groan for deliverance from sin’s presence, which includes our sinful anger (Rom. 8:23). More on this in step five. 

Step 2: Process Non-Sinful Anger (Eph. 4:26–27)

Anger is unstable. It’s like spiritual nitroglycerin in the devil’s hands. And often, timing is the only thing that separates sinful from non-sinful anger, since non-sinful anger can fester quickly. Thus the apostle’s plea: “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger…” (Eph. 4:26). 

When Sue and I were first married I was working at mortifying my besetting sin of anger. I was greatly helped by a verse I was studying during our first summer of marriage. Colossians 3:19 says: “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.” I knew that my harshness with her was a symptom of my anger toward her. 

So Sue and I made a pact. We determined that we would not go to bed angry at one another. Not infrequently, we’d be up late identifying any anger in the relationship. If it hadn’t already turned sinful, we would address it quickly per Ephesians 4:26 before it turned toxic. If it had already turned, we would proceed to mortify it following step three below.  

In the moment, you may not know if the anger is sinful or neutral. The point is you can’t mess around with anger, even unmistakably righteous anger. Like swinging a golf club or preparing a feast, when it comes to anger, timing is everything. You must develop a sense of urgency to address anger, if possible, before it turns sinful and poisons both the relationship and your soul.

Step 3: Put Off Sinful Anger (Col. 3:5–8)

Putting off sinful anger is a more complicated process. You must first mortify the sinful anger itself, then seek to uncover and mortify the source(s) of that sinful anger. 

Mortify Anger Itself

The first step to mortifying anger can — and should — be done fairly quickly, because anger festers very quickly. There are three components to mortify sinful anger: own it, confess it, and kill it. 

1. Own It (Ps. 51:4)

The various twelve step programs have one thing in common: A breakthrough occurs when the person finally stands in front of the group and owns his condition. The same is true with sin. The first step in mortifying your sinful anger is to own it: “Hello, my name is _______, and I’m angry.” 

When it comes to owning sin, Psalm 51:4 has always spoken to me in a powerful way. By any reckoning, David committed some of the most heinous sins one can commit against another, including adultery and murder. And he sinned against his faithful friend, Uriah the Hittite, one of David’s thirty mighty men.  

In response to Nathan’s rebuke (2 Sam. 12), David fully owns his sin. That ownership has two distinct aspects. First, he acknowledges that his sin was ultimately against God. What makes sin so utterly sinful is that it rebels against that which is so holy and beautiful, against the God of heaven and against his good and righteous law. In Psalm 51:4a David says, “Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight.” David knows he has sinned against Uriah and Bathsheba. But his offense against a holy and gracious God takes center stage.   

Second, David’s ownership of his sin is unqualified. No ifs, ands, or buts. No caveats. No excuses for his sin by perhaps noting Bathsheba’s unparalleled beauty or Uriah’s stubbornness in refusing to go in to his wife. No assertions that the king has the right to take to himself any woman he desires, or that killing Uriah was the only way to protect his reputation and the office of the king. Psalm 51:4b reveals David’s unqualified ownership of his sin as seen in his unqualified ownership of sin’s consequences: “so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment.” David saw God’s judgment against him as just because David took full responsibility for his sin.

If anger is to be mortified, it first must be fully owned. 

2. Confess It (Matt. 6:12, James 5:16)

Once anger is fully owned, it must be roundly and robustly confessed, both to God and, as appropriate, to man. 

It has been said that confession is good for the soul and bad for the reputation. Regardless, confession is basic to Christianity. In the Lord’s prayer, for instance, Jesus teaches us to confess our sins, soliciting forgiveness from our heavenly Father for our debts: “Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” (Matt. 6:12). Such confession has real teeth, since the standard for God’s forgiveness of us is our forgiveness of others. In other words, it’s something of a death wish to ask God to forgive as you forgive if you haven’t really forgiven your debtors. Matthew 6:14 drives home that point: “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will you Father forgive your trespasses.” 

Confess your anger first to God, then to others as anger usually, like a raging river, causes much collateral damage relationally. James 5:16 is on point: “Therefore confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous person has great power.” 

Confession to God is private and avoids much embarrassment. But confessing your sinful anger to others, indeed to all who were affected by it, requires humility and real brokenness. David put it this way: “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise” (Ps. 51:17). God’s grace flows to the humble (James 4:6), so God’s grace flows to those who confess sins to others, for few things are more humbling than a public confession.   

And public confessions stimulate prayer: “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16). Confessing to others unleashes corporate prayer with the promise of healing from the sin of anger which so easily entangles.  

Having fully owned and humbly confessed your anger, you’re ready to plunge the knife into this deadly sin.  

3. Kill It (Eph. 4:30–31, Col. 3:5–8)

By the time Paul issues the imperative to put away sinful anger in Ephesians 4:31, he has already grounded it in the glorious indicatives of the new creation. From chapters 1–3, we learn of the resurrection power at work in believers. In Ephesians 4:17–24, we learn that coming to faith means putting off the old self and putting on the new. Thus, Paul is commanding the church to do what it has already been empowered by God’s Spirit to do.  

Colossians 3 is similar. The passage assumes you have been raised to new life with Christ, having died to sin’s power (Col. 3:1–4). And it assumes that “you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed…after the image of its creator” (Col. 3:9–10). Based on that freedom, you’re commanded to mortify your anger: “Put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth” (Col. 3:5a, 8).

At this point it would be entirely appropriate to offer a sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving. You are about to mortify sinful anger, to put it away, to engage in the process of killing your sin that will be completed at Jesus’ return. And this is only possible because you’re a new creation in Christ, free to mortify sin by the power of his gospel, which has joined you to his sin-killing death through his sin-killing Spirit. 

The Son has set you free! Free to say no to sin. Free to stop grieving the Holy Spirit. Free to prevent sinful anger from reigning in your mortal body. Free to praise the God from whom the blessing of grace’s sin-conquering power flows. Hallelujah!

So let the killing begin. 

But how? How do we put sinful anger to death? It’s not as though I want to be angry. My anger just seems to have a life of its own. 

You need to start by reminding yourself that you have a choice. You can choose not to be sinfully angry, even when you’re justly angry. As the apostle exhorted, “Be angry and [yet] do not sin.” 

It may seem that you have no choice because your choice muscle is atrophied after years of choosing sin. Your habitual knee-jerk reaction to disappointment and perceived injustices has been sinful anger, leaving the choice muscle flabby and out of shape. The muscle is waiting to be trained in righteousness. It needs to be whipped into shape (Heb. 5:14). It needs regular exercise to excel at godly performance — in this case, choosing not to respond with bitterness, slander, or malice. 

The Holy Spirit does not mortify sin against your will, though he might break your leg in order to induce a more cooperative spirit. No, he works best with those intent on working out their salvation with fear and trembling (Phil. 2:12–13). And here’s the good news: practice makes progress in most of life’s endeavors, including the pursuit of holiness. The more you choose to exercise your freedom not to be angry, the easier that choice becomes. 

Perhaps an illustration will help. Recently, while on vacation with my wife, I was flaring. As I confronted my sinful anger, it occurred to me that I was acting like I was still sin’s slave, acting as if the Son had not set me free from sin’s power, acting like I was powerless to respond differently. Upon this realization, I simply exercised my freedom, choosing to stop responding to my circumstances with sinful anger, and instead thanking God for his providential program custom designed to make me holy (Heb. 12:7–11). 

Because of our union with Christ in his death, and through the power of his indwelling Spirit, you (and all believers) are free to say “no” to a sinful angry response. Each time you say “no,” the habit of anger is weakened, its stench dissipated. Every time you exercise your freedom, the new self within you is renewed just a little bit more into the glorious image of God’s Son. 

Mortify Anger’s Source

But saying “no” to sin is not enough. Often there’s a systemic problem that causes anger to resurface over and over. To be more effective in putting away sinful anger, you must drill down into your soul. Frequently, you will discover another sin (or set of sins) that also needs to be put to death. This process is not unlike one of Jonathan Edwards’ famous resolutions. Resolution 24 says, “Resolved: Whenever I do any conspicuously evil action, I will trace it back till I come to the original cause; and then I will carefully endeavor both 1) to do so no more and 2) to fight and pray with all my might against the source of the original impulse.”

But before addressing more systemic problems, let me reiterate that the mortification of your anger does not depend on the discovery of source tensions. You are free to put away anger even if potential underlying issues remain a mystery or go unaddressed. But identifying the source of your anger can help you mortify more systemic sins that could be provoking sinful anger. 

To trace back your sinful anger and identify the source problem, often a snake pit of sin itself, you must become a student of yourself, penetrating to the bedrock of your angry behavior. A helpful hint: A good friend, and especially a godly spouse, can prove invaluable with this self-analysis. 

The two most common sources of sinful anger are relational tensions and circumstances that go against your plans and expectations. Here we’ll consider how to identify and address each one.

4. Relational Tensions: Clarify, Forbear, and Forgive (Col. 3:12–14)

Relational tensions with family and within the church lead the way in reasons why we get angry. From my pastoral experience, these tensions can be broken down into three categories: tensions from misunderstanding, tensions from amoral differences, and tensions from actual offense and sin. To successfully trace back your sinful anger, the best path is to consider any recent conflicts and then try to analyze the reason for the conflict. You’re mad for a reason and identifying that reason will help you to resolve the systemic problem. 

The first step to resolving relational tensions is simple: talk it through with the other person involved. Sometimes you will discover that it’s all been just a big misunderstanding. You thought the person said and meant one thing, but upon further inquiry, you realize that you just misunderstood them. Once that misunderstanding is clarified, anger dissolves. No harm, no foul, no reason to be angry. 

The second type of tension is perhaps the most elusive. It involves differences on issues that may be quite important to one or both parties, yet do not necessarily involve sin. It may be politics — what presidential candidate is best for the country. It may be approaches to child-rearing or differing views on the issue of alcohol. Or it may be different approaches to cleanliness, punctuality, or cell phone etiquette. Sue and I have different opinions about spending and saving, but those differences do not constitute sin.  

What’s the antidote? Forbearance. Not holding the non-sinful differences of others against them. Colossians 3:12–13a says it well: “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another.” Praise God that you are free in Christ to forbear all those irritating idiosyncrasies of loved ones both at home and in the church. Even more so, praise God that all your loved ones are free to put up with all your irritating ways. 

The third tension, no doubt, causes the most pain. Your sin of anger may be rooted in a wrong done to you, perhaps an offense that has never been rectified. You’re nursing a grudge, and it’s poisoning not just that relationship but all of your relationships. Your anger is overflowing its banks. What’s the antidote? 

Forgiveness. Colossians 3:13 continues: “…and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” Forgiveness means releasing on your claim for satisfaction; it means choosing to treat the debt owed as already paid. It’s the willingness to trust God’s ultimate justice. 

If you clear up misunderstandings, forbear differences, and forgive real offenses, there will be a noticeable decrease in your struggle with anger. And remember, just as you’re free to not let anger reign in your life, so too you’re free to understand, forbear, and forgive even the most heinous sins committed against you. The Son has really set you free and empowered you to walk in newness of life through his Spirit. 

5. Contrary Circumstances: Submit to God’s Will (Heb. 12:7–11, James 4:7)

Our systemic struggle may not be primarily relational, but circumstantial or, more accurately, providential. Life just isn’t going as planned. In fact, it may even be going contrary to your plans and expectations. This may concern your health, from an inconvenient illness to a cancer diagnosis. Perhaps an unexpected change of career or job loss. It might involve broader concerns — the economy, political change, war or the threat of it. Think of how 9/11 or COVID changed everything. In every case, God’s plan was not our plan. So how do we address anger sourced in a struggle with God’s will for our lives? 

We begin by seeing the circumstance, no matter how traumatic, as from the providential hand of a wise heavenly Father. Hebrews 12:7–11 says: 

It is for discipline that you endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline. If you are left without discipline, … then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. … For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, be he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. 

Until we acknowledge our sovereign God as the architect of our difficult circumstances, we’re tempted to see them as merely human transactions filled with injustice. This of course easily leads to anger, ultimately with God himself, and bitterness and resentment easily follows. 

But when we accept that the Lord “disciplines the one he loves” (Heb. 12:5) and that pain, suffering, trials and afflictions are but tools in his hand to purify our faith, we can begin to put away our anger saying, “not as I will, but as you will” (Matt. 26:39) and “rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory” (1 Pet. 1:6–8). Even the Son learned obedience through the things he suffered (Heb. 5:8) and endured the shame of the cross for the eternal “joy that was set before him” (Heb. 12:2). God is graciously training us to trust and obey his Word even when it’s difficult. 

James 4:7 says it succinctly: “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” God’s power in the gospel of Christ, through the indwelling Spirit that joined us to Christ, has freed you to submit to your great God and Savior in all circumstances. 

And now, having put off sinful anger and its source(s), we must put something in its place, for, as Chalmers noted above, nature abhors a vacuum. As we move toward this next step, it is again appropriate and sanctifying to thank God for what he’s done for us in Christ, for it reminds us that we are indeed free from sin’s dominion and free to put on love. 

Step 4: Put On Love (Col. 3:14)

“And above all these things, put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony” (Col. 3:14).

At the heart of worship is loving and adoring and beholding our great God. Indeed, the two great commandments are to love God with everything and to love our neighbor as ourselves. And love for our neighbor in Christ is the litmus test of love for God himself (1 John 4:20). 

Ephesians 5:1–2 frames that love in terms of sacrifice: “Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” Love as sacrifice is a common theme in Scripture. Laying down one’s life for another is the greatest manifestation of love (John 15:13). In fact, we know love by Christ’s sacrifice for us (1 John 3:16). The most extended and practical expression of sacrificial love is seen in Romans chapters 12–15. Romans 12:1 says: “I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.” 

Thus, “to present your bodies as a sacrifice” is another way of saying “to put on love.” For the Roman believers, love required using their gifts to build up the body (12:3–8) by means of loving one another genuinely (12:9–13), without spite (12:14–13:7), urgently (13:8–14), and, with weaker or stronger brothers, deferentially (14:1–15:13). Weaker brothers are those whose consciences bind them to practices that go beyond Scriptural commands, whereas stronger brothers are not so bound. To love deferentially then is to accept one another without judgment or contempt (14:1–12) and to avoid violating the weaker brother’s conscience, causing him to stumble away from the faith (14:13–15:13). 

Practically, Romans 12 exhorts us today to put on love by employing our grace gifts for the good of the body. And we love by contributing to the needs of the saints, even helping our enemies. Is there anything more Christlike than returning evil with a blessing, maybe the blessing of genuine prayer for an enemy’s welfare? 

Romans 13 helps us put on love by teaching that every command in the Ten Commandments is summed up by the command to love our neighbor as ourselves. Christ’s Sermon on the Mount serves as our interpretive guide. Relationships marked by purity, reconciliation, sharing, and not envying correspond to the commands not to commit adultery, and not to murder, steal, or covet (Rom. 13:8–10). 

And given the nearness of Christ’s return (Rom. 13:11–14), there needs to be an urgency to putting on love. We especially need to settle our differences quickly with fellow members of the body before he returns, not letting the sun go down on our anger. If we’re sideways with a brother or sister, for instance, we should call them quickly at least to set up a future time to talk it through. We must be quick to confess and quick to forgive. And as far as it depends on us, we must do whatever it takes to live peaceably with one another (Rom. 12:16–18). 

Putting on love certainly requires accepting one another, not judging each other for amoral differences whether weaker or stronger (Rom. 14:1–15:13). People have different worship styles — some are quite animated when singing in church while others are clearly reserved. And fellow believers have differing convictions about the activities acceptable on the Lord’s Day — some see it as a day of worship and rest while others are comfortable having Sunday season tickets to see their favorite team. Some Christians feel free to imbibe alcohol and smoke cigars while for others, it just seems wrong. Rock music, even Christian rock music is offensive to some in Christ’s church while many others see no problem. Tattoos and piercings for some can be done unto the Lord, while for others, it seems a defilement of our bodies, the temple of God. In all cases, putting on love means accepting one another — it requires a non-judgmental spirit toward those things not bound by Scripture. 

But what does all that have to do with overcoming anger? It’s hard to be angry with someone for whom you’re sacrificing and laying down your life. It’s hard to be angry when your relationships are marked by an urgency to confess, forgive, and reconcile. And it’s hard to be angry with someone completely different from you when you are eager to forbear their idiosyncrasies and accept them as they are. It’s hard to be angry when you put on love.

Step 5: Prepare for Ongoing Struggle (1 Pet. 5:5–9)

This sacrifice, this putting on of love, fills the vacuum produced by putting off sin and sinful anger. Yet even with all this killing of sin, sin’s presence remains. The last step in overcoming our sinful anger combines expectations management with spiritual warfare.   

Scripture reminds us that the battle with sin and Satan is ongoing: “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith…” (1 Pet. 5:8–9). Satan is alive, but he’s not well. He knows his time is short and he’s enraged at Christ and his church, seeking to take down as many Christians and churches as possible (Rev. 12:12–17).

Sin’s power has been broken, but the residue of sin’s presence gives our adversary plenty to work with. We have an enemy whose singular purpose is to destroy our souls by tempting us to abandon the faith. We must be ready for an ongoing struggle to the death, for as Luther reminds us, “On earth is not his equal.” But we mustn’t despair, for “he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world” (1 John 4:4). If we resist the devil, he will flee from us (James 4:7). So what can we do to fight back?

We can continue to offer ourselves to God by offering sacrifices of praise and prayer. 

Hebrews 13:15 enjoins us as new covenant priests to offer a sacrifice of praise continually through Christ, the fruit of lips that give thanks to his name. Such a sacrifice regularly reminds us of the great work of redemption already accomplished: we’re new creations by virtue of a new Spirit who has caused a new birth and created a new heart, all based of the new covenant sealed in Christ’s blood, so that we will walk in newness of life; that is, walk in love (2 Cor. 5:17, Ezek. 36:26–27, John 3:3–8, 1 Pet. 1:3, Heb. 8:8–12, Rom. 6:4). 

When we sing, “My chains fell off, my heart was free,” we reinforce the truth that no longer are we slaves to sin but slaves to God and free to live accordingly. Old things have passed away; new things have come, including the freedom to put off sinful anger and put on love. So let us offer up a sacrifice of praise, giving thanks in all circumstances (2 Thess. 5:18). 

Offering a sacrifice of prayer is another privilege and duty of new covenant priesthood. Scripture uses the daily sacrifices on the altar of incense as a metaphor for our prayers (Ex. 30:1–10, Rev. 5:8). With sin’s presence so pervasive, we desperately need God’s help every day, and prayer is our access to God.  

For what should we pray? For strength to continue to mortify sin by his Spirit (Col. 3:5–8, Heb. 4:16), for protection from falling away through a hardened heart (Matt. 6:13, Heb. 3:12–14), and for final deliverance from sin’s presence (Rom. 8:23). The Holy Spirit and creation join in the believer’s groaning for final deliverance (Rom. 8:18–30). And we’re assured that God will answer those groanings, those sacrifices of prayer, not only for final deliverance but for all that we need to fight sin and the devil in the here and now as well (John 15:7; Eph. 1:15–23, 3:14-21; 1 John 5:14–15). We must pray without ceasing and not lose heart, for our great God is willing and “able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or think according to the power at work within us” (Eph. 3:20).

Part IV: Obstacles and Hope for Overcoming Anger

Obstacles

Our steps are clear, our victory sure. Still, when facing a lifelong battle against a ruthless adversary, it’s no surprise that there will be obstacles to putting sinful anger to death. Most obstacles stem from the impediments already introduced in this field guide: confusion over our freedom in Christ, lack of clarity concerning the emotion of anger, and failure regarding our approach to anger. 

Perhaps the biggest obstacle is confusion regarding our freedom in Christ. Often, we fail to truly believe that sin’s power has been broken, that the old self has been definitively put off and the new self put on by virtue of our union with Christ by faith. Passages like Romans 7 appear to somehow qualify that freedom, leaving the believer confused and lacking the confidence to continually put off sin and put on righteousness. But, as we have seen, when rightly understood, such passages serve to reinforce the freedom from sin’s power already secured for us by God’s Son. 

Lack of clarity about the difference between sinful and non-sinful emotions is another obstacle to overcoming anger. As we’ve seen, all emotions have a neutral, amoral base that can, if managed poorly, turn sinful. Years of jumping quickly from amoral anger to bitterness and even verbal abuse dulls our ability to discern the difference, and perhaps even tempts us to deny that a distinction exists. Training our hearts to be angry and yet not sin requires clarity and time.

We can also fail in our approach to mortifying anger by failing to deal with anger in a timely way or failing to address its root. More basic, we can fail to take unqualified responsibility for our sinful anger. And we can fail to adopt a ruthless, zero tolerance approach toward anger, as is fitting for something that so grieves the Spirit within us. 

But perhaps our biggest failure is to stop hoping for what God has promised. Jesus endured the cross for the joy set before him (Heb. 12:2). And we’re urged to do likewise, to “set our hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ (1 Pet. 1:13). But what is that hope, that joy? And what keeps it from being merely wishful thinking? 

Hope

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time” (1 Pet. 1:3–5). 

What is our hope? It is nothing less than a promised inheritance, an eternity in God’s presence when sin is finally killed (Rev. 21:9–27), death finally vanquished (Rev. 21:1–8), and our marriage to the Lamb finally consummated (Rev. 19:6–10). Romans 8:28–30 and 35–39 beautifully communicate that hope:

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. …

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? … No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

God’s covenantal faithfulness to save his people is our hope, not only in overcoming sinful anger but sin in general. God has promised that all who were foreknown will be glorified, and nothing can thwart that plan; nothing can separate the sheep from the love of their Good Shepherd. 

Our future — the so-called “not yet” — is certain. We have complete assurance that we shall be saved from sin’s presence and from the wrath to come (Rom. 5:1–11, 8:18–39). But what locks in that “not yet” promise is the “already” of Romans 5:12–8:17. These verses assure us that God has already saved his people from sin’s penalty and particularly sin’s power. Consider all that God has already accomplished in the believer:

1. We already are no longer in Adam but in Christ (Rom. 5:12–21). 
2. We already are no longer under law but under grace (Rom. 6:1–14).
3. We already are no longer slaves to sin but to righteousness (Rom. 6:15–7:25).
4. We already are no longer in the flesh but in the Spirit (Rom. 8:1–17).
5. We already are delivered from the body of death, which represents sin’s power (Rom. 7:24, 8:2).

We have assurance regarding God’s deliverance from sin’s presence in the future because we’ve already experienced God’s deliverance from sin’s power in the present. Our final victory over sinful anger, therefore, is assured. Our hope is secure. 

Conclusion

In 1975, God was pleased to save me from my sin while I was a student at Ohio State. That fall, I learned that Jesus came to die for my sins and that whoever believed in him would be saved. When I surrendered my life to Christ at the end of that year, I experienced John 8:36; the Son set me free, not only from sin’s awful and eternal penalty, but from sin’s paralyzing and debilitating power. As the hymnist wrote, “My chains fell off, my heart was free, I rose, went forth and followed Thee.” Immediately, the Holy Spirit within me began mortifying the deeds of the body and I began to walk in newness of life. 

It occurs to me that you may be reading this field guide thinking that you’re a believer, though still enslaved to sin, or even knowing that you’re not a believer. A regular pattern of sin in your life might indicate that sin’s dominion has not yet been broken. Habits of sexual sin like pornography, of substance abuse with alcohol or marijuana, of anger and its ugly associates — any and all habits of sin should be reason enough for sober examination (1 Cor. 6:9–10, 2 Cor. 13:5, Gal. 5:19–21). 

But here’s the good news: Jesus still receives sinners, even church-going types. Don’t let him say to you on that day, “I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness” (Matt. 7:23). Come to Christ today and let his Spirit cleanse you, forgiving sin’s penalty and breaking sin’s power. Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ. Rest completely in his work and enjoy true freedom, for “if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”

It’s been some fifty years since I began to put my sinful anger to death. And it would be a lie to say that I no longer struggle with it. That’s the nature of besetting, constitutive sins. In fact, at times, I have allowed an angry spirit to hold sway. But by his grace, I have continued to make progress in my long-standing battle with sinful anger. Allow me to share a story that may encourage you in your own battle.

After 16 years of marriage, I received a most coveted award in the form of my wife’s annual, custom-made, year-celebrating Christmas ornament, which she made for each member of the family. Until then, Christmas had been a hard time for me. To be sure, I love to give gifts to others, especially my wife and children. But I hated being forced to do it, particularly under the guise that we were somehow celebrating Christ and his birth. So for the first 16 years of our marriage, Sue had to endure a Scrooge-like husband throughout the Christmas season. 

But in 1997, I made peace, accepting that Christmastime was more of a family holiday than a religious one (Gal. 4:12). This allowed me to lean into the season with genuine Christmas cheer and no sense of hypocrisy, which proved to be the significant source of my sinful anger. My Christmas countenance went from grumpy to gracious. And my 1997 ornament? A Santa hat with the inscription: “Most Improved.” 

Over nearly five decades, God has continued to help me mortify not only the sin of anger, but many other sins, as he continues to conform me into the beautiful image of his own dear Son. To God be the glory, great things he has done! 

About the Author

Wes Pastor is founder and president of The NETS Center for Church Planting and Revitalization. NETS was started in 2000 by Christ Memorial Church, which Wes planted in 1992 near Burlington, Vermont, and pastored for over thirty years. Wes and his wife, Sue, have five married children and eighteen grandchildren.

#24 Self-Control: The Path to True Freedom

Part I: Defining Self-Control

The meaning of “self-control” is rather self-explanatory, so we need not overcomplicate it. But it’s worth noting that there are a couple different words that get translated as “self-control” in the New Testament. And, while there is significant overlap in their meanings, there are some differences. Let’s consider two examples.

Galatians 5:22–23

These well-known verses list out what Paul calls the “fruit of the Spirit” — evidence that we belong to Christ and are indwelt by his Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. “Against such things,” Paul says, “there is no law” (5:23). 

The final item on the list is “self-control,” a word that the King James Version renders as “temperance.” The word here in Galatians carries the idea of control over one’s appetites and passions, perhaps with a particular focus on sexual passions. 

The focus on passions makes sense in the broader context of what Paul says in Galatians 5. Just before listing out the works of the Spirit, he provides a sampling of the works of the flesh, which are opposed to the Spirit: “sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these” (5:19–21). 

Do you notice something about this list? Many of the vices listed could be described as indulgence to sinful passions. If our lives are marked by these works, we can be sure that we are walking according to the flesh and not the Spirit. To walk in God-honoring ways, we need Spirit-wrought self-control. As Tom Schreiner puts it in his commentary on Galatians, “Those who have self-control are able to restrain themselves, unlike those who are dominated by the desires of the flesh.”

What Paul wants for Christians is to live in freedom. If we walk in the flesh, we’re walking in slavery. If we walk in the Spirit, we are free, for “against such things there is no law” (Gal. 5:23). It is for such freedom that “Christ has set us free” (Gal. 5:1).  

Titus 2

If you’ve read Paul’s letter to Titus closely, you’ve likely noticed how frequently self-control appears. This is especially the case in chapter two, where different forms of the word show up five times. In these verses, Paul advises Titus on how to exhort the different groups of people in the church: older men, older women, younger women, and younger men.

Paul writes:

• “Older men are to be…self-controlled.”
• Younger women are “to be self-controlled.”
• Younger men are “to be self-controlled.”
• Older women are to “train the young women,” and the verb translated as “to train” shares the same root as “self-control.”

In other words, self-control is to be evident in the lives of all Christians — young and old, women and men. 

Before going any further, a brief word to the younger men reading this. In Titus 2, Paul lists a number of qualities that ought to mark the lives of older men, older women, and younger women. But when it comes to you — younger men — he supplies no such list. Rather, it’s just one quality for the younger men: Titus should “urge the younger men to be self-controlled” (Titus 2:6). That’s it. Why does he keep it so simple for the young men? Because if young men can attain self-control, they will be spared many of the ills that typically plague young men. Think of some of the sins that are common to young men, albeit to varying degrees for different men: laziness, pride, over-aggression, lust, anger. There are more that could be mentioned, but beneath and behind each of these vices lies a lack of self-control. Young men, therefore, should devote as much energy as they can to cultivating this virtue. It will be for your good and the good of those around you.    

Back to Titus: the word that Paul uses for “self-control” in Titus is different from the one in Galatians 5. And while we don’t want to overstate the differences, this word in Titus has a slightly different emphasis. Rather than describing control over one’s passions, it carries the idea of “a sound mind.” 

As in Galatians, the sense of the word is reinforced by everything else Paul says in the surrounding verses. The kinds of virtues he wants Titus to encourage include sober-mindedness, dignity, steadfastness, reverence, purity, integrity, and others like this. These qualities are less about restraining passions and avoiding indulgence, and more about cultivating a moderation of spirit and stability of mind. In fact, the word Paul uses here in Titus 2 has been translated as “sober-minded” (KJV; NKJV) and “sensible” (NASB). 

It is understandable that some translations render both words in Galatians 5 and Titus 2 as “self-control,” but it is worth noting the nuances of both. Given the differences in the words, we can conclude that, when the New Testament talks about self-control, it is addressing our whole selves: minds and passions alike. 

What, then, is self-control? We can define it as a Spirit-empowered ability to govern our passions and actions and pursue soundness of heart and mind to the glory of God.

Self-Control in the Life of Jesus

Examples are always helpful when we want to define something, and — as with every virtue — we have a perfect model in the Lord Jesus. And while he came primarily to be our substitute and to supply the righteousness we could never achieve on our own, we should also look to him as our example. It is, after all, into his likeness that the Spirit is transforming us. So it is right and good for us to look to him as our pattern. 

Let us consider a few scenes where Jesus puts self-control on display.

1. Before the Tempter 

After Jesus is baptized, he is led by the Spirit into the wilderness, where he goes without food for forty days and forty nights. Seeing an opportunity, the devil shows up and takes aim at Jesus’ appetites. The ancient serpent is crafty, and his plan is shrewd. Matthew even tells us that by the time the devil arrives, Jesus “was hungry” (Matt. 4:2). So the tempter takes his shot: “If you are the Son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread” (Matt. 4:3). Jesus responds by staring temptation full in the face and quoting Deuteronomy 8:3: “Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God” (Matt. 4:4). 

How is Jesus able to respond this way? His appetite was certainly raging, and the offer of bread must have been genuinely tempting. Jesus is able to respond this way because the truth of Scripture was more controlling for him than his physical appetite. His “no” to the temptation allowed him to say “yes” to the promises of God. In other words, he allowed his real, legitimate appetite to be subservient to the Word of God. This is self-control.    

2. Before His Accusers

The scene of Jesus’ arrest, interrogation, flogging, and death is one long series of injustices. The accusations were false, and every moment of punishment undeserved. And yet Jesus never wavered.

When he was before Caiaphas and the rest of the council, Jesus was in the midst of an unhinged religious mob. There were false witnesses and wicked foes who spit on and struck Jesus. And yet “Jesus remained silent” (Matt. 26:63).

When he is questioned by Pontius Pilate, Jesus was willing to converse, but never sought to avoid the cross. And Mark notes that when Jesus decided that such exchanges were no longer necessary, “Jesus made no further answer, so that Pilate was amazed” (Mark 15:5).

How is it that Jesus was able to endure such hostility, even physical assault, and yet not retaliate verbally or physically? The writer of Hebrews tells us that Jesus was able to face such mistreatment “for the joy that was set before him” (Heb. 12:2). And Peter says that, “When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly” (1 Pet. 2:23). Jesus knew there was greater pleasure to be had in obedience than in retaliation — and he could have brought all his accusers to nothing with a mere word. But his trust in the Father did not falter. The reality of God and eternal rewards enabled him to control his tongue and stay the course.  

 3. Before the Crowds

Jesus dealt with a lot of people in his brief ministry on earth. Look at these handful of verses from the Gospel of Matthew:

• “…great crowds followed him” (Matt. 4:25).
• “Jesus…withdrew from there. And many followed him, and he healed them all” (Matt. 12:15).
• “That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat beside the sea. And great crowds gathered about him” (Matt 13:1–2). 
• After John the Baptist is killed, Jesus “withdrew from there in a boat to a desolate place by himself. But when the crowds heard it, they followed him…and he had compassion on them and healed their sick” (Matt. 14:13–14). 

Such examples could be multiplied. Notice that, despite the fact that Jesus had almost no opportunity for solitude and had people constantly seeking him for healing, he never once responded with irritation or anger. He never resented the neediness of the crowds or their persistence in wanting his attention. When Paul writes that love “is patient and kind…does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful…love bears all things” (1 Cor. 13:4–5, 7), one wonders if he had the example of Jesus in mind.    

There is another jarring scene in John’s Gospel, where Jesus fed the five thousand and the crowd responded so enthusiastically that Jesus perceived “that they were about to come and take him by force to make him king.” He responded not by allowing himself to be crowned, but by withdrawing “again to the mountain by himself” (John 6:15). 

How is it that Jesus exercised such control over his responses, never being bothered or angry? How was he able to refuse to allow the masses sway him one way or another, giving him freedom to serve his Father and love others? He knew the purpose for which he came, he sought first the kingdom, and he knew that true joy is found in the good of others. This is self-control.

Jesus put our definition of self-control on glorious display: a Spirit-empowered ability to govern passions and actions and pursue soundness of heart and mind to the glory of God. What a Savior! 

Discussion & Reflection:

1. Can you define self-control? Who in your life examples self-control well? 
2. Which scene from the life of Christ displays the kind of self-control you hope to cultivate in your life? 
3. Have you memorized Galatians 5:22–23? Try it!

Part II: Self-Control and the Heart

Before we consider practical areas of application, there are three questions related to the heart that are worth our consideration.

1. Is Self-Control a Christian Virtue?

As noted above, our age loves authenticity and self-expression. Once you discover the version of yourself that you want to pursue, anything that might inhibit its full expression should be done away with. Such restrictions would threaten to make you inauthentic. So, in some ways, self-control is opposed to the spirit of the age. 

And yet, a scroll through the bookstore will tell you there’s an entire segment of the publishing world devoted to self-help resources, life hacks, and maximizing productivity — books promising to have unlocked the secret to getting things done and mastering the self. So, in some ways, self-control — or at least some form of it — remains highly sought. 

While the obsession with authenticity might be a feature unique to our times, the quest for self-control over our passions is not. Nor has self-control been a concern exclusive to the people of God. Philosophers as far back as Plato and Aristotle have listed temperance — a relative of self-control — among the cardinal virtues. The entire school of Stoic philosophy depends on virtues like self-mastery. 

This leads to an important question: is the temperance of Aristotle, the self-control of the Stoics, and the self-maximization of today’s gurus the same thing as the fruit produced by the Spirit of God?

The short answer: no, it’s not the same.

The longer answer is that the difference between the Christian virtue and its non-Christian counterparts will not always be discernible. This is the case with many elements of Christian character: kindness, joy, patience, and more. For the most part, you will not be able to observe whether what you see is the work of the Holy Spirit or simply common grace on display. 

With self-control, there may be some discernibly Christian things you can observe. For example, we want to be disciplined with our time so that we can spend time in the Word and prayer. We want to be wise in our financial habits so we can give to our churches and be generous. Yet even in these examples, we could be simply observing some counterfeit to the Spirit. 

This is because the truly Christian nature of Spirit-wrought self-control is something you cannot see: the heart. The difference between Christian self-control and the others is the why behind the behavior. What is the grand aim of living within boundaries?

Aristotle, who described temperance as the mean between indulgence and lack, viewed the virtues as a path to happiness. That was his why. 

The Stoics avoided excess and practiced a sort of indifference to external factors in order to achieve internal harmony and virtuous living. 

Much of today’s literature on self-control is aimed at becoming the most productive and optimized version of ourselves. 

None of these desires are bad, of course. Happiness, harmony, and productive habits are all worthwhile aims. The question is whether they are worthwhile as ultimate aims.

You likely know the answer: no, they are not. The problem is that these aims can be pursued, and even achieved, with no regard for God whatsoever. Things like productivity and happiness are concerned only with us; their realm is limited to this earth and our transient lives. The Bible’s very first verse — “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth” (Gen. 1:1) — confronts such assumptions head on. This life is not all there is, we have a Creator, and he fills both heaven and earth. So any consideration of our lives that does not begin and end with God is incomplete and sub-Christian.

God calls us to some of the same aims: self-control, happiness, productivity, internal peace. But the animating motive for these is higher and greater than anything the Greeks or gurus describe:

• Christians should seek to work hard and be productive. Why? “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ” (Col. 3:23–24). 
• Christians should seek to restrain their sinful appetites. Why? “For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people…training us to…live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ” (Titus 2:11–13).
• Christians should be disciplined in their use of time. Why? “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is” (Eph. 5:15–17).

Look at what should motivate such careful living: an awareness that we are accountable to God Almighty and the Lord Jesus Christ. He made us, he has set the terms for how we should live, and his commands are the path of true joy. 

So why should we be self-controlled? For the honor and glory of God.

Do we want to achieve happiness? Absolutely. Do we want to be productive? I hope so. But the underlying motivation for these things is not simply to be the best version of ourselves, or to boost our self-esteem, or anything with the self at the center. The foundational incentive ought to be that we want to “do all to the glory of God” (1 Cor. 10:31).

The examples from the life of Jesus that we considered above make this point. His ability to say “no” to temptation and sin while saying “yes” to all the right things was a reflection of his devotion to the glory of God. This heart-level motive is what makes self-control a true fruit of the Spirit.

2. Is Self-Control Simply about Laws or Boundaries?

Our second question gets at the role of wisdom in the pursuit of self-control. Truly Christian self-control is not about setting up rules and then simply following them. Were that the case, we could forget about the God-centered motives we just established. We would also run the risk of potentially being enslaved to our own schemes, blinding us to providential and unexpected opportunities. 

And to live by a set of our own rules could also keep us from understanding that much of our self-control happens within the realm of Christian freedom.     

To help us grasp this point, we can think of two different “lanes” of self-control. 

First, there is a wide lane. We might call this the Self-Control-or-Sin lane. There is freedom to move anywhere within this lane, but as soon as you cross a boundary, you’ve veered into sin.   For example, consider internet usage. There is much you can do online that is well and good; there’s freedom. But there are also areas online — e.g., pornography — that are completely outside the lane and off the road altogether. You have to sin to get there. The choices are to either exercise self-control and stay in the lane, or lack self-control and fall into sin.

Or consider our speech. There are lots of God-honoring ways to speak, but there are also ways to use our tongues that are explicitly sinful: lying, blaspheming, gossiping, and more. The choices are to either exercise self-control and not speak in these ways, or lack self-control and fall into sin. 

In both of these examples, it requires self-control to stay in the lane and avoid the inherently sinful activity. 

But in both internet usage and speech, we can identify a second, narrower lane within the wide one. We might call this the Self-Control-or-Imprudence lane. This narrower lane is not defined by laws, but by wisdom. Considering internet usage again, there are a lot of ways one could function online that are not inherently sinful, but are unwise. Or that may be unwise for you or for a time. Be it sites that drain your time or prove less-than-edifying — you may need to exercise self-control by drawing prudential boundaries.  

The same goes for our speech. There are all kinds of ways people can use their speech that may not be inherently sinful, but are unwise. It could be a habit of talking too much, or talking too little, or any number of ways we’re prone to misuse our tongues. Whatever it is, it calls for wise boundaries to be put in place.

Wise boundaries are what Paul encouraged when writing to the Corinthians. The Corinthians had a misguided view of freedom, as captured in one of their slogans: “all things are lawful for me” (1 Cor. 6:12; 10:23). They were using this line to legitimize sinful behavior, and Paul took exception. For one, it is simply not true that all things are lawful. Christians are under the law of Christ (1 Cor. 9:21), and though we are free from the bondage of sin and the law of Moses, we are to be slaves to righteousness (Rom. 6:17–19). And second, even within the law of Christ, there may be other considerations.

Paul countered the Corinthian slogan by offering a couple such considerations: “not all things are helpful” and “I will not be dominated by anything” (1 Cor. 6:12).    

Whether something is “helpful” or not can be determined by whether it’s a help or a hindrance in our walk with Christ — or in that of others, as the idea of “helpful” sometimes has the welfare of others in view (10:23–24; 12:7). And whether we are being “dominated by anything” can be determined by whether we have the freedom to forego it without drastic measures. 

We don’t want to live in fear that we’re always on the brink of losing control. It is wonderfully true that “everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving” (1 Tim. 4:4). But if you know yourself well enough and you know the darkness of sin, it will not be difficult to think of something you enjoy that can turn into indulgence. It is possible that the enjoyment of something good, left unchecked, can become enslavement. Self-control is the difference between God-honoring enjoyment and sinful indulgence. 

The only thing we want controlling us is the Spirit of God. That happens as we live within the wider lane of lawfulness and, when necessary, draw boundaries to ensure we will not be dominated by anything. This leads us to our third question.

3. Who’s in Control?

A misgiving one could have with regard to self-control is that it sounds as though we are the ones making it happen, and such expressions of effort seem contrary to the grace and sovereignty of God. This tension is not exclusive to self-control, although the word “self” may exacerbate it with this particular virtue.

So let’s seek some clarity.

The writers of the New Testament have absolutely zero problem calling us to put forth effort in the pursuit of godliness:

• “…work out your own salvation with fear and trembling” (Phil. 2:12).
• “Put on the whole armor of God” (Eph. 6:11). 
• “Let us therefore strive to enter that rest…” (Heb. 4:11).
• “…train yourself for godliness” (1 Tim. 4:7).
• “…you also be holy in all your conduct” (1 Pet. 1:15).
• “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: … that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor” (1 Thess. 4:3–4).

This is not to mention the calls of Christ to pick up our cross and follow him, or his word about the way to life being narrow. 

Are we, then, responsible to produce holiness — and self-control in particular — in our lives? Yes, we are. Either we are responsible or those verses above are devoid of any meaning. 

But this is not the full picture. Hemming in these imperatives and propelling our efforts are the promises of God:

• “…for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure” (Phil. 2:13).
• “…he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (Phil. 1:6).
• “He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it” (1 Thess. 5:24). 
• “For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers” (Rom. 8:29).
• “…[you] have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator” (Col. 3:10).   

This is not to mention the promises of Christ that none can pluck us from the Father’s hand and that whoever comes to him will not be cast out. 

Is God, then, ultimately sovereign over even our efforts to grow in godliness and self-control? Yes, he is. 

Until the day our earthly sojourn ends, we are to be putting off sin and laying aside whatever entangles us, and putting on love, self-control, and all godliness. This will take, as Kent Hughes puts it, some “holy sweat.” 

The growth may be slow, but God promises that it will happen. He himself will see to it. Just as parents cannot observe their children growing taller day-by-day, but a picture makes it plain, so it is with spiritual growth. When we look back and see evidence of growth, whether we look back now, at the end of our lives, or somewhere in between, there will be no doubt that real change and maturity occurred. And it will be equally clear that it was the Spirit of God who made it happen. And he will get the glory.  

Discussion & Reflection:

1. Why should Jesus’ work on the cross motivate your self-control? 
2. What are areas of “imprudence” in your life? 
3. Ask yourself why you desire to live in self-control. What is motivating you? 

Part III: Applying Self-Control

God wants you to live a self-controlled life. He “gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (2 Tim. 1:7). And he has supplied his own Spirit to ensure that it happens. So in this section of the field guide, I want to challenge you to put on self-control. Not in order to earn what Jesus has already accomplished for you, but to bring glory to God and magnify all that Jesus accomplished for you. 

To do this, let’s look at a few areas where people can struggle, let’s consider what the Scriptures say, and let’s commit to getting after it for the glory of God in our lives. 

Time

“So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.” – Psalm 90:12

Stewardship of time is an area of battle for many of us. This is no surprise, for Paul when exhorts us to make “the best use of the time,” he also tells us that “the days are evil” (Eph. 5:15–16). The age in which we live — and this has been and will be true of every age until the kingdom of Christ comes in full — does not encourage Christian faithfulness. So if we are not careful, we will end up using our time in ways that dishonor Christ: laziness and sloth, worldly pursuits, sinful deeds, or a refusal to rest. None of these are faithful ways to steward our minutes, hours, days, and years. 

Time is our most precious resource, and working toward faithfulness is vitally important. In a sermon on stewardship of time, Jonathan Edwards said,

It is but as a moment to eternity. Time is so short, and the work which we have to do in it is so great, that we have none of it to spare. The work which we have to do to prepare for eternity, must be done in time, or it never can be done.

If Edwards is right that the work we have to do is “so great” (and he is), then how should we think about our time? 

King Solomon employs a vivid illustration to instruct his son on the matter, and we can do no better than to consider his words:

Go to the ant, O sluggard;

consider her ways, and be wise.

Without having any chief,

officer, or ruler,

she prepares her bread in summer

and gathers her food in harvest.

How long will you lie there, O sluggard?

When will you arise from your sleep?

A little sleep, a little slumber,

a little folding of the hands to rest,

and poverty will come upon you like a robber,

and want like an armed man. (Prov. 6:6–11)

In this look at the ants, Solomon observes that they do what needs to be done without supervision. The ants do not need someone cracking the whip in order to stay on task. Can the same be said of us? Or is our stewardship so poor that we can hardly be trusted with an open hour?

In verse 8, Solomon notes that the ant “prepares her bread in summer and gathers her food in harvest.” There are different activities for the different seasons: preparing in summer, gathering in harvest. In other words, the ant knows the right time to do the right thing.

This is a view of productivity that we would do well to adopt. It does not honor God to live by a commitment to get as much done as possible all the time. This is not what God did in the week of creation, and it was not what Jesus did in spending only three years of his life active in public ministry. And the maximum-productivity approach is a sure way to burn out. As Solomon says elsewhere, “Better is a handful of quietness than two hands full of toil and a striving after wind” (Ecc. 4:6). 

This approach also makes it very hard to be relationally available. Who has time for an unscheduled phone call with a loved one, or an urgent visit to a friend in the hospital, if our approach to life is one of maximum productivity?

Self-control in our use of time looks like doing the right thing at the right time in the right way. When we are at work, we should work. And it is wise to set boundaries around what encroaches on our work. When we are home, we should be at home, with boundaries in place to protect that time. When we should be sleeping, we should sleep. The principle can be applied across our responsibilities: do the right thing at the right time in the right way. Prepare in summer, gather in harvest. 

When Solomon finishes his observation of the ant, he turns his attention to the sluggard: when will you get up and do something? He’s talking about sleep, but we could just as easily fit it to our own struggles: “How long will you binge your streaming service?” “How long will you scroll on that phone before you actually get up?”

There is a time for appropriate, God-honoring rest. But sleep and leisure are appetites, and if you indulge a little bit here and a little bit there, those appetites will grow. And one day you’ll wake up and realize you have not been living your life in the fear of God. 

One painful reality is that someone will always pay for our poor stewardship of time. If we are lazy at work, our employer and coworkers feel the effects. But so will our loved ones, if we end up having to make up for our laziness with time that should be protected for our families, churches, and friends.  

Evaluate how you steward your time, and see what needs to change. If you’re not sure, ask those closest to you to share their observations. Then act: confess to those you’ve sinned against, if that’s the situation. Put boundaries in place, and honor God with this most precious of commodities.

Thinking

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind.” – Romans 12:2

Exercising self-control in your thought life may not seem like a possibility, but it is worth the effort. We are to love God with our heart, soul, and minds (Matt. 22:37). The Scriptures assume that we are not simply passengers along for the ride in our thinking, but that we have agency over what happens within our minds.  

The Apostle Paul writes, 

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (Phil. 4:8)

Did you catch that last part? That’s an imperative: think about these things. 

Paul would not tell us to do this if it were an impossibility. We see the same biblical assumption of agency in Psalm 1, where the blessed man is said to meditate on the law of God day and night. Such meditation involves decisions about what to think about and what to put out of our minds. That is to say, the Bible calls us to self-control in our minds.    

Such mental discipline is a challenge, and there are some for whom certain kinds of thoughts prove “sticky,” but we are all exhorted to “be transformed by the renewal of your mind” (Rom. 12:2).  

There are many areas of our thinking where self-control would help, but let’s consider two: lustful thoughts and immature thinking.

Lust

If you concede agency and allow your thoughts to happen to you, lust will prove a losing battle. You must be ready for the struggle and be prepared to counter. For people who struggle consistently with lust, one way to help is to get real practical: start with a notecard. On that notecard, write a Bible verse or two that can help you battle lustful thinking, like 1 Thessalonians 4:3, “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality.” Or make it something you want to move your mind toward, so that you’re putting off lust and putting on something edifying, like “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor” (Rom. 12:10). 

Keep that card in your pocket, or tape it to your dashboard or computer, and when a lustful thought enters your mind, take that card out and read it, and pray until you believe it. If you’re still struggling, do it again. Do that until you can experience what Jesus experienced in his temptation: the reality of the truth outweighing the raging appetite. This is one way to take your thoughts captive and exercise some self-control. 

Immaturity

In 1 Corinthians 14:20, Paul says, “Brothers, do not be children in your thinking. Be infants in evil, but in your thinking be mature.” 

What does mature thinking look like? 

As an example, Proverbs 18:17 says, “The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.” The immature, childish way of thinking hears one side of a story and then forms a passionate opinion in response. The mature, self-controlled way of thinking waits, doesn’t settle for surface-level thinking, and is patient in forming an opinion until more information can be gathered. 

Given that we live in a culture of clickbait, hot takes, and emotionalism, this form of self-control will put you squarely at odds with the spirit of our age. To get practical: next time you hear of a controversy, or see some viral video on the news, resist the temptation to believe the initial narrative. The mature way to think is to hear one side of the story and think, “that may very well be right, but we’ll have to see.”

Let everyone else rage in their opinions and express them loudly on social media. Be mature, sober-minded, and self-controlled in your thinking.

Emotions

“Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” – Proverbs 16:32

“A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.” – Proverbs 29:11

What does self-control look like in our emotional lives? It looks like the capacity to rule our spirit, and not giving full vent to it. It looks like allowing our emotions to serve our thinking rather than letting them guide our thinking. 

This is one area where the concern for authenticity can undermine maturity. In our culture, passion has nearly reached the status of an emotional trump card, so that if I simply say something with enough passion, it must be true or at least taken seriously. But some passion is nothing more than giving “full vent” to our spirits. The wiser course is to exercise self-control and be one who “quietly holds it back” (Prov. 29:11).

The same authority has been granted to emotional responses. If you say or do something and my feelings get hurt, then it does not matter whether what you did or said was wrong or intended to wound, the fact that my feelings got hurt is what matters. This is childish, and the opposite of what Solomon commends: “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense” (Prov. 19:11).  

Emotions can be good things. The Lord Jesus expressed sorrow at Lazarus’s tomb (John 11:35), anger as he cleansed the temple (John 2:13–22), concern in Gethsemane (Matt. 26:38–39), and he “rejoiced in the Holy Spirit” when he prayed (Luke 10:21). And as Christians, we’re commanded to rejoice and to weep (Rom. 12:15). 

Emotional maturity, then, cannot be the absence of emotions. Rather, it’s in the ability to rule our emotions and not be ruled by them.

Immature emotions tend to be fleeting, surface-level, and may not be in keeping with our mind and will. They rise within us and exercise an outsized influence.  

An example of such immaturity is when children (or adults, for that matter) throw tantrums. They lose control and allow their emotions to run the show, often in ways of which they will later be ashamed. When my son was younger and would throw a temper tantrum, we would remind him that “big boys have self-control.” He has outgrown tantrums, but this is a message he still hears. 

Mature, self-controlled emotions — which may more properly be called affections — tend to involve the whole person, aligning with our beliefs and wills, and prove enduring. They rise within us and propel us in ways that are good and fitting to the circumstances. They express sadness, joy, and all the rest at the right time and in the right measure.   

If we would shine as lights in a twisted generation, exercising self-control in our emotional life will go a long way.

Tongues

“If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man.” – James 3:2

Taming the tongue is a universal battle, but it takes place on different fronts for different people. Some people are too quick to speak while others don’t speak up when they should. Some are too long-winded once they start speaking, while others struggle with being harsh, vulgar, and unedifying. Others can’t avoid lying, while others fail to keep their word.

What does self-control look like with our speech? It looks like making Ephesians 4:29 our standard: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” 

If you make edification your aim when you speak, you will use your words to encourage, affirm, speak the truth, and bear witness. This is all pleasing to God and gives grace to those around you.

People with a self-controlled tongue often possess the skill of good listening, too. You likely know someone who is such a poor listener that you wonder what the use is of trying to converse with them, or who is clearly waiting for you to stop talking so they can say what they want. Such qualities display not merely bad listening, but a selfish, self-absorbed heart. If someone won’t listen, their speech will often be self-serving.

The commitment to edifying and serving those around us should mark our verbal communication, our listening, and our written communication. Whether it’s our texts, our social media posts, or something else, we should all tremble at the truth that “on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak” (Matt. 12:36).

As James observes, if anyone can restrain his tongue, “he is a perfect man” (James 3:2). None of us does this as we ought, which is why the Scriptures speak so much about it. 

Consider a mere sampling of the ways the Word of God instructs our speech, and note which verses have particular relevance for you:

• “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent” (Prov. 10:19)
• “Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil” (Matt. 5:37).
• “But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth” (Col. 3:8). 
• “From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so” (James 3:10).
• “Be not rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in heaven and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few” (Ecc. 5:2).

The ways to stumble with our speech are so numerous as to make total silence tempting. And yet speak we must! 

Fear God, love others, and control your tongue by seeking to build up and give grace. You will bless those around you and spare yourself much strife.   

Bodies

“You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.” – 1 Corinthians 6:19–20 

We do not own our bodies, we are merely stewards of them while we have them. And in this life we only get one of them.

A lack of self-control in physical stewardship could entail gluttony, drunkenness, laziness, sexual immorality, and more. Putting on self-control begins with the firm belief that God owns our bodies, and that we are responsible to take care of our earthly tents as we serve the Lord.  

This should inform our relationship with food. We ought to enjoy it as a good gift from God, but as Paul says, we should not be dominated by anything in the form of overdependence or addiction. 

This should inform our relationship with exercise. Bodily training may not hold eternal value, but it is of some value (1 Tim. 4:8). There is such a thing as undervaluing the value of bodily training, which would be poor stewardship. And there is such a thing as overvaluing physical training, which could be a sign of misaligned priorities. In the same way that a craftsman tends to his tools to ensure they can fulfill their purpose, so we should pay some heed to our bodies, lest they become a hindrance to faithfulness.

And this reality that we are stewards of our bodies should lead us to hate sexual immorality and to flee from it. Our bodies belong to God, and to dishonor our body by using it for the purpose of immorality is to dishonor our Creator. The wise person sets up boundaries to ensure we stay far from sin. 

These are five areas where self-control will serve us, but you could take any area of your life and map out what self-control looks like. Such efforts are difficult, and will require confession and repentance along the way, but this is what God wants for us, and by his Spirit he can bring it about.

Discussion & Reflection: 

1. Which of these areas need the most attention in your life? 
2. What are some boundaries you can put up to make progress in self-control? 
3. Who in your life can you invite to hold you accountable? 

Conclusion: Have a Plan

“For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.” – 2 Peter 1:5–8

Self-control is the path to freedom. It enables us to live the kinds of lives we want to live. It allows us to enjoy God’s good gifts without being enslaved, and it displays to all the world that we are mastered by nothing other than Jesus Christ. 

So where do you go from here?

My hope is that your primary response to what you’ve read is not despair. It is always the right time to submit an area of your life to Christ. You may think you’re too far gone in some area, but this is a lie that you must reject. And know that, in the fight for boundaries and self-control, you are going to fail at times. You will never outgrow your need for the grace of God and the forgiveness of sins. But, praise be to God, our passions and weaknesses are no match for the Spirit of God. Do not give in to despair. 

Another response that would not be fruitful is a vague commitment to be better. Biblical counselor Ed Welch says that “the desire for self-control must be accompanied by a plan…given that our enemy is subtle and crafty, a strategy is essential.” 

Solomon warns that a “man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls” (Prov. 25:28). A city that lacks walls is hopeless against an enemy. And a city that vaguely hopes to be ready to fight is a city doomed to fall. The same goes for the Christian looking to set up wise boundaries. You either have a plan, or you are merely giving lip-service to the idea you want to change.

My counsel would be this:

1. Identify an area of your life that you want to bring further under the lordship of Christ. It could be an area we explored in this guide or something else like entertainment, finances, etc. We all have areas of weakness, the question is whether we intend to do anything about it. 
2. Once you’ve identified your targeted area, make a plan for how you want to grow and what boundaries you want to put in place. Remember, self-control is not only about setting up rules and then following them. But it may be the case that drawing tighter boundaries in the short-term will allow us to walk in greater freedom in the long-term. 
3. Invite accountability. It could be a mentor, a pastor, a friend. Let that person know your plan, and give them permission to keep you accountable. Set up a regular time when you can give an update and they can ask some invasive questions. Or you could have a set of questions you answer in writing each week. There are a host of ways to do this, but inviting a brother or sister in Christ into the fray could be a serious aid. 
4. Set your eyes above. Do not let your struggle for self-control become indistinguishable from a pagan pursuit of self-mastery. Pray often, pleading with God to grant you the fruits of his Spirit. Read, memorize, and meditate on Scripture. Consider Jesus and your new life in him. The psalmist hid God’s Word in his heart, “that I might not sin against you” (Ps. 119:11). And do whatever it takes to cultivate a fear of God, the recognition that you live before him and are accountable to him.

The Christian life is the best life there is. The narrow way is the path of Christ, where true life and lasting joy is found. And when we put on self-control, we are setting ourselves up to taste the goodness of the gospel: “For freedom Christ has set us free” (Gal. 5:1). This is the fruit of self-control. 

About the Author

Matt Damicois the pastor for worship and operations at Kenwood Baptist Church in Louisville.
He’s co-author of Reading the Psalms as Scripture and has written and edited for a number of
Christian publications and organizations. He and his wife, Anna, have three incredible kids.