#21 Fear of Man: What It Is and How to Conquer It

Part I: The Fear of Man

The Cambridge Dictionary defines fear as an “unpleasant emotion or thought that you have when you are frightened or worried by something dangerous, painful, or bad that is happening or might happen.” Notice that in this definition, fear is either an emotion (a feeling) or a thought (a belief). But I argue that fear is rarely, if ever, simply one or the other. To varying degrees, every fear is influenced by what we think and believe. 

I remember coming home from work one day and opening the garage door to find my two year-old standing on the kitchen table trying to grab hold and swing from the dining room chandelier. Instantly, I felt my eyes widen and my heart begin to race as I ran to scoop her up before she either pulled the chandelier down on top of herself or swung off the table. But to my surprise, at that moment she had zero fear. She had no category to conceptualize chandelier pull-ups potentially causing pain, hurt, and destruction. But I did! My mind immediately calculated the danger, and my fear for her safety quickened my action to save her. 

I experienced this same fear sensation — the combined emotion and belief — during my first time jumping out of a perfectly good airplane. I still remember the feeling when the SC.7 Skyvan’s back ramp lowered, and the initial rush of air came into and out of the cabin. I stood there with my legs shaking as I stared 1,500 feet down to the earth below. This was not the nebulous rush feeling of freefall where at least you have a minute or two to enjoy the experience before opening the parachute. This was static line parachuting, World War II style — if the parachute didn’t open, my body would make impact in less than 12 seconds. Of course I was afraid. But I feared something more than the risk . More than fearing death by electrocution from powerlines (as warned in the safety brief), I feared failing the program and letting down my family, friends, and teammates. The fear of man is certainly convoluted and multilayered. 

As we think about the fear of man, it is important to remember that the physical sensations we experience, like shaking knees and racing heartbeats, are intrinsically tied to what we believe. But fear doesn’t often remain a sensation. The natural result of experiencing fear is action. Typically, this action is referred to as fight or flight. In either case, our action is influenced by what we believe about potential outcomes in that situation. 

The fear of man can thus be defined as the emotion that arises from believing an individual or group of people has the power to remove or give something you think you need or want and influences the following actions to achieve a favorable outcome.  

Put differently, Edward Welch states that “the fear of man is when people are big and God is small.” 

The Scriptures and life experiences teach us that our fear of man often falls into five different categories. I will use the acronym FEARS to help us remember them: (F) Finances, (E) Embarrassment, (A) Arguments, (R) Rejection, and (S) Suffering. In each category, we will encounter biblical teachings and examples of that specific fear and will be challenged to think through our fears. As you read, consider the descriptions and examples from Scripture, then think about your own situation and life experiences and what they might reveal about what you believe as it relates to fear. 

Fear of Finances 

“The love of money is the root of all kinds of evil,” wrote the Apostle Paul (1 Tim. 6:10). We can experience significant fear of those we perceive to have power over our financial security. Our fear of these people can positively motivate our work performance, but can also lead to being consumed as workaholics or tempt us to compromise our integrity to appease a superior. It is also easy to slip into idolizing people we perceive to have power over our financial security or those who have the financial freedom we desire. This latter type of fear is less afraid of what people may take and is more in awe of what people possess. Whether that person is our immediate boss, an organization, investors, or influential relationships, it is easy to begin shaping our actions to what we believe will best increase or protect our financial future.

God knows we will struggle with fear, worry, and anxiety over our finances. Jesus addressed this in the Sermon on the Mount when he said, “Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matt. 6:31–33). When we lose sight of God’s power to provide, the first thing that comes into focus is the people who can provide what we think we desperately need or want. 

This type of fear of man can lead us to covet and crave what others possess. In Luke 12:13–21, Jesus encounters a person who wants him to intervene in a family dispute and command his brother to share his inheritance with him. Jesus responds with “one’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions” (Luke 12:15b). Jesus continues by telling a story of a man who had an abundance of crops that were overflowing his barns. Instead of distributing his abundance, he builds bigger barns to store all of the crops so that he can have goods for many years and can relax, eat, drink, and be merry — essentially have an American-style retirement (Luke 12:16–19). But God calls this man a fool, for that very night his soul was required of him, and the things he has prepared will be another’s (Luke 12:20–21). 

Financial security will not bring the type of freedom our hearts crave. Instead, this achievement can act as a barrier that replaces dependency and trust in God with trust in material possessions. When the rich young man approached Jesus, he asked what he needed to do to inherit eternal life (Matt. 19:16). Jesus responded by telling him to keep the commandments, to which the young man proudly replied that he had kept these from his youth (Matt. 19:17–20). But Jesus then said to him to go and sell what he possessed, give to the poor, and follow him (Matt. 19:21). At this statement, the young man departed sorrowfully. Jesus revealed to the young man where he had placed his true trust: in his finances. Fear of our financial security can lead us to be consumed with material possessions — craving what others have — and miss God’s incredible blessings right before us.  

Fear of Embarrassment 

We learn as kids to fear embarrassment. Whether figuratively or literally, everyone has a story of being caught with their pants down to the laughter or ridicule of others. Embarrassment makes us feel alone, helpless, vulnerable, and insignificant. Depending on our experiences with embarrassment, we can develop significant barriers and defenses to ensure we do not experience those same feelings again. This fear of man can cripple us into cowardice, compel harsh defensive language, cause us to isolate ourselves, or lead us into compromising our integrity to appease those we perceive as having power over our social circles. 

Fearing embarrassment often starts with what is acceptable or unacceptable in our cultures. In the first century, when Mary and Joseph were betrothed, it would have been exceptionally shameful for Mary to be pregnant before they were married. This is why upon hearing of her pregnancy, Joseph resolved to divorce her quietly (Matt. 1:19). Joseph didn’t want to be associated with claims of infidelity, but also wanted to ensure he divorced Mary as quietly as possible so that she would not be publicly shamed. This is why the angel of the Lord says to him: “do not fear to take Mary as your wife” (Matt. 1:20). In their obedience to God, both Mary and Joseph risked significant cultural ostracism by choosing to remain betrothed while she was pregnant with Jesus.  

When we succumb to the fear of embarrassment we corrupt all those we lead. Paul describes his confrontation with Peter in Galatians 2:11–14. While in Antioch, Peter had been ministering to and eating alongside Gentiles, a practice that was shameful for first-century Jews. When certain Jews came from James, Peter withdrew himself, “fearing the circumcision party” (Gal. 2:12). As a result of Peter’s fear, other Jewish believers did the same thing, including Barnabas (Gal. 2:13). We must be aware that our fears deeply affect those around us — most often those closest to us.  

The fear of saying or doing something embarrassing can not only lead us into disobedience and sin but can also rob us of significant joy. We often fail to share our faith or call people to believe in the gospel because we are afraid of what people will think or say about us. Think about the implications of this. We would rather risk the eternal destruction of our friends and family than experience the embarrassment of offending them. In these moments, we are choosing the perceptions of people over the perceptions and commands of God.

Fear of Arguments  

For some people, the thought of relational arguments, disagreements, and confrontation brings tremendous amounts of anxiety. For those who fear relational conflict, they may attempt to avoid, appease, or ignore conflict with others. Conflict with family members, neighbors, church members, or work relationships can consume these people’s thoughts, time, and attention. And if their denial tactics don’t work to mask the problem, those who fear arguments would likely rather end a relationship than work through the problem. The danger with this fear is that it can lead to compromising God’s commands, falling into sins of omission, and spiritual atrophy in apologetics. 

Saul’s fear of argument from the people of Israel led to his compromise of God’s command and ultimately God rejecting him as king. In 1 Samuel 15, Saul is commanded to devote all of Amalek to destruction, including all people and animals (1 Sam. 15:3). The significance of this command is for another time; however, the point is that when Saul led the people to defeat the Amalekites, they ended up sparing King Agag and best of the animals and good things (1 Sam. 15:9). When Samuel confronted Saul on why he had disobeyed the Word of God, Saul responded with, “I have sinned, for I have transgressed the commandment of the Lord and your words, because I feared the people and obeyed their voice” (1 Sam. 15:24). Saul didn’t want an argument or an uproar from the people who wanted the plunder from their victory. Instead of adhering to God’s command, he partially obeyed, and even attempted to hide behind his partial obedience (1 Sam. 15:20–21). Fearing arguments and confrontations can lead us to compromise our obedience to God’s commands. 

When we fear getting into an argument or a difficult confrontational conversation we can easily slip into sins of omission — not doing something God has commanded us to do. Conversely, a sin of commission is proactively doing something God has forbidden. Jesus commands, “If your brother sins against you, go tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother” (Matt. 18:15). The command is straightforward. If you have been sinned against, it is your responsibility to confront your brother and tell him his fault. For some people, even thinking about confronting someone concerning a sin — where an argument or disagreement may arise — is terrifying. But to ignore the confrontation would not only be unloving to the brother who sinned, but also a sin of omission — failing to obey Jesus’ command. Paul reiterates this point to the Corinthian church when he stresses the seriousness of sin (1 Cor. 5:9–13). Paul writes, “Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? God judges those outside. ‘Purge the evil person from among you’” (1 Cor. 5:12b–13). Fearing uncomfortable conversations that we know could ignite arguments can easily lead us into sins of omission. 

While there are certainly more consequences of fearing arguments we could list, another one is spiritual atrophy in apologetics. Peter writes to those in the dispersion, “But in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for the hope that is in you” (1 Pet. 3:15). Peter is responding to the substantial suffering Christians are enduring, a different fear we will discuss momentarily. However, even while suffering, Peter charges the Christians dispersed through the region to always be prepared to defend their faith in Christ. When we fear arguments, confrontation, or disagreements, our natural default will be to avoid defending our faith. Succumbing to the fear of man can stunt our spiritual growth and cause us to be unprepared to defend the hope within us. 

Fear of Rejection  

If the fear of embarrassment deals primarily with social circles, the fear of rejection covers both professional and personal spheres. These are the spheres of life where you spend most of your time, energy, effort, and thought, whether you’re an employee, still in school, an entrepreneur, retired, a hobbyist, or a stay-at-home mom. Regardless of what that sphere looks like, no one aspires to fail and be rejected. If you do, you probably will! We want to succeed and have the reputation of doing our job well. The fear that people will smear your reputation or think less of you can pressure you into sinful disobedience or people-pleasing in order to gain favorable recognition. 

The fear of rejection is often as simple as peer or professional pressure that dissuades us from obeying God. During the Feast of Booths, people were talking about Jesus (John 7:11–13). Some were saying he was a good man, while others thought he was leading people astray (John 7:12). But one thing was consistent about all of them — they weren’t speaking openly “for fear of the Jews” (John 7:13). Later on, John explains why people were afraid: “for the Jews had already agreed that if anyone should confess Jesus to be Christ, he was to be put out of the synagogue” (John 9:22). The religious leaders were using personal rejection from corporate worship and fellowship as a tool to deter people from learning about, following, and believing in Jesus. Even during his last week in Jerusalem, “many even of the authorities believed in him, but for fear of the Pharisees they did not confess it, so that they would not be put out of the synagogue” (John 12:42). This is the same type of peer or professional pressure that deters people today from following Jesus. 

People-pleasing is another expression of the fear of being rejected personally or professionally. We already saw how King Saul’s fear of the Israelites pressured him into trying to appease their desires (1 Sam. 15:24–25). When defending his view of the gospel, Paul challenges the Galatians, “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ” (Gal. 1:10). When Paul challenges bondservants to utilize their position to glorify Christ, he says not to do it in a people-pleasing way, as some do, but to work in such a way that glorifies God from the heart (Eph. 6:6, Col. 3:22–23). People-pleasing occurs when the motivation for our activities, actions, and words stems from a desire to appease a superior or subordinate for our benefit. The fear of rejection can fill us with such anxiety that, before we know it, we are a slave to the desires of those around us rather than the God who loves us. 

Fear of Suffering  

Fear of suffering is the most broad type of fear as it entails both physical and psychological suffering. People are sinful and commit ranging acts of evil against each other. Suffering can range from verbal abuse to physical torture. Cruel people use physical pain or sadistic vocabulary to coerce others to do what they want. While fear of suffering or death is not always sinful, the fear of people hurting us can suffocate joy, instill a spirit of timidity, destroy confidence, and entrap us into silent depression. 

Abram experienced the fear of suffering physical pain when traveling through Egypt. He knew Sarai was exceptionally beautiful and thought the Egyptians might try to kill him because he was her husband (Gen. 12:10–12). The fear of man influences our decisions and reveals what we believe. Abram’s fear drove him into telling a lie — that he was Sarai’s brother. After hearing of her beauty, Pharaoh gave gifts to Abram and took Sarai to be one of his wives. As a result, God afflicted Pharoah with great plagues (Gen. 12:13–17). Apart from God’s intervention, Abram’s fear might have resulted in Sarai becoming Pharaoh’s wife permanently. 

The fear of death and physical pain is no small thing. On the Mount of Olives, Jesus spent his final night before his betrayal praying to the Father, “if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours be done” (Luke 22:42). Certainly, Jesus was thinking of bearing divine judgment and wrath for sin, but also humanly speaking, he was probably thinking about the physical pain he was about to endure in crucifixion — the Roman punishment process that created our word excruciating. As a physician, Luke notes that “being in agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling to the ground” (Luke 22:44). This is a physical condition known as hematohidrosis, where blood emerges from the sweat glands. Leonard Da Vinci allegedly described a similar situation that arose from a soldier before going into battle. While Jesus’ agony surpassed fear of physical suffering, it certainly included it. 

Similar to physical pain, verbal abuse, threats, and malice can cause terrible fear and result in people feeling shame, choosing isolation, and having low to no confidence or trust in people. These verbal wounds may arise because of sin committed by us or sin committed against us. When we fall into sin, cruel and unloving people may try to exploit our failures by shaming and ridiculing us because of our actions. This is partly why James writes, “How great forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness” (James 3:5b–6). Satan, the accuser, wants nothing more than for us to feel shame and hopelessness because of our sins (Rev. 12:10). Additionally, our fear of suffering can emerge from sins committed against us. Perhaps you had a parent who was always angry, yelling and screaming, or constantly discouraging and speaking cruel things to you. Or you might have a tyrannical boss who is never pleased. Maybe just going into the office is terrifying and you are always wondering when they are going to blow up next. Or maybe it is a spouse, and while they are not cruel, you haven’t been given a compliment in years. Without transformation, the fear of suffering can push us into a prison of isolation, people-pleasing, and depression. 

Discussion & Reflection:

1. What are your financial goals? Write down all that comes to mind. Write down all of your financial fears. How are these different or similar to your financial goals? Are these fears a reflection of trust in God or trust in man? 
2. How might your fears of embarrassment be leading you into sin? How might your fears of embarrassment be robbing you of joy in life? What things might you do or try if you were not afraid of being embarrassed? 
3. In what ways do you struggle with peer or professional pressure? Who are the sources of this pressure and what do you think is causing you to view them in this way?  
4. How often do you find yourself slipping into talking about your achievements or successes? Do you think you may be slipping into boastful pride out of a desire to be recognized? How do you know? 
5. In what ways do you struggle with a desire to please people? Who are the people that come immediately to mind and what role do they play in your life? 

Part II: The Fear of God 

Fear casts out fear. 

I still remember my first Navy funeral for a fallen warrior and teammate. It was an uncharacteristically gray cloudy day for the perpetually sunny San Diego, California. One of my teammates walked up a small stage in his pristine Navy white uniform to a lone podium in front of a massive American flag backdrop, which was waving devotedly in the ocean breeze. I don’t remember all of his words, but his closing prayer is trapped with me to this day. Unfortunately, it is a prayer I have come to hear often at such memorials and one I have unwillingly memorized. A simple but powerful prayer: 

“Lord, let me not prove unworthy of my brothers.” 

Steven Pressfield, in his short book The Warrior Ethos, recites this same prayer. In his analysis of Spartan warrior culture, he argues that the fear of suffering and death in battle is cast out by a love for one’s brother in arms. He states that at the battle of Thermopylae, when the last Spartans knew they were all going to die, Dienekes instructed his fellow warriors to “fight for this alone: the man who stands at your shoulder. He is everything, and everything is contained within him.” Pressfield calls this emotion and belief that casts out fear “love” — and we know from Scripture that Pressfield is correct, but perhaps not in the way he thinks. In Greek culture, the city or Polis, was central to safety and security. Life revolved around the city and the people were only as powerful as their city. For professional men of war, defending the city was where they found their identity. To be caught a coward or unwilling to fight and lay down their life would have been the most shameful and humiliating thing—something far worse than death. The warrior’s prayer highlights that while love is certainly involved, there is also a fear that casts out fear. In this case, the fear of being unworthy of one’s brothers.

Scripture does teach, as Pressfield argues, that love casts out fear. First John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.” God is clear through his inspiration of John’s letter that perfect love casts out fear. But within the context of the letter, this is a particular fear. Right before this passage, John writes, “By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world” (1 John 4:17). The type of fear that God’s perfect love casts out is the fear of judgment on the last day. Our position in Christ’s perfect love cements our future hope of an eternity with him and thus casts out the fear of judgment. What this text doesn’t mean is that Christians should no longer experience any fear. Instead, what the counsel of Scripture teaches is that fear casts out fear. Specifically, a right understanding of God requires a certain fear of God informed by both his character and his love.

The Difference Between Fears 

To properly understand and combat the various fears of man, we need to begin where fear starts. The first mention of fear in the Bible comes from Adam after he and Eve sinned and tried to hide from God (Gen. 3:10). When Adam and Eve sinned, they experienced something they hadn’t before — an unhealthy fear of God. Because of God’s goodness and holiness, sinful humanity is now separated from God and is desperately in need of reconciliation. The fear of God is then the sensation when an imperfect sinful creature beholds their perfect and holy creator. Edward Welch states that the fear of man is when people are big and God is small. Inversely, the fear of God is when God is big and people are small. And since fear is a combination of emotion and belief, what we believe about our position before God will directly influence the sensations we feel about God. 

The fear of God is founded on God’s goodness and holiness, and it is a tremendous and terrifying thing to behold. Proverbs 1:7 says, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction.” Knowledge and wisdom are both good things that start with a right fear of God because he is perfectly and intrinsically good. First Chronicles 16:34 says, “Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever!” Psalm 86:11 highlights this relationship between God’s goodness and our fear further: “teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name.” Instruction, truth, and fear are all combined in this passage as good things that are centered on God. Psalm 33:18 even combines God’s love with those who fear him: “Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear him, on those who hope in his steadfast love.” While tremendously good, we also fear God because he is utterly, terrifyingly holy. 

When man encounters God, the consistent reaction is fear and trembling. Isaiah the prophet records being ushered into the heavenly host and standing before God. Isaiah writes about his experience in this way; “Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts!” (Isa. 6:5). When Moses asks to see God’s glory, the Lord responds with, “you cannot see my face, for man shall not see me and live” (Ex. 33:20). Ezekiel records that when he saw the glory of the Lord in a vision he immediately fell upon his face (Ezek. 1:28b). The fear of God, brought on by our sinfulness when compared to his perfection is even further extended when we consider the scope of God’s limitless knowledge, presence, and power. 

Intrinsic to God’s sovereign character is his omniscience — God is all-knowing. God knows all things, including himself, perfectly (1 Cor. 2:11). He knows all things actual and all things possible and he knows them all instantaneously from before time (1 Sam. 23:11–13; 2 Kings 13:19; Isa. 42:8–9, 46:9–10; Matt. 11:21). First John 3:20 says that “God knows everything.” David describes God’s knowledge, writing: “O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar” (Ps. 139:1–2). When Jesus performs the miracle at the wedding in Cana, John’s Gospel recounts his knowledge from the indwelling of the Holy Spirit: “many believed in his name when they saw the signs that he was doing. But Jesus on his part did not entrust himself to them, because he knew all people.” (John 2:23–24). In God’s sovereignty, he fully knows all things, which is why Jesus says our Father in heaven knows what we need before we ever even ask him (Matt. 6:8). The fear of God is further informed by God’s perfect omniscience coupled with his omnipresence. 

God is not only all-knowing of actual and possible worlds but also omnipresent — all-present in all spaces and places. God is not limited by physical dimensions, for “God is spirit.” (John 4:24). As the creator of the universe, he is not bound to it. Deuteronomy 10:14 says, “Behold, to the Lord your God belong heaven and the heaven of heavens, the earth with all that is in it.” And yet, God’s presence doesn’t mean he acts the same in all spaces and places. Consider the contrast between a passage such as John 14:23, where God is said to make his home with man, and that of Isaiah 59:2, where God separates himself because of Israel’s sinfulness. While being equally present, his presence may bring blessing or justice. The idea of being near or far from God is then a matter of God’s disposition to his creatures and creation in the space, place, and time (Jer. 23:23–25). However, God is always perfectly present in all spaces and places all the time.  

God’s omniscience and omnipresence are complemented by his tremendous limitless omnipotence — he is all-powerful. Anything God desires to do he can do; nothing is too hard for him (Gen. 18:14; Jer. 32:17). Paul writes that God is able “to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us.” (Eph. 3:20). When the angel Gabriel visited Mary, he told her “nothing will be impossible with God” (Luke 1:37). The only impossible thing for God is to act contrary to his character. This is why the author of Hebrews states that “it is impossible for God to lie” (Heb. 6:18). When it comes to fulfilling and accomplishing his purposes, nothing can overthrow him, he will succeed (Isa. 40:8, 55:11). God’s omnipotence coupled with his omnipresence and omniscience widens the expanse between our imperfection and his perfection. 

The more we think about God’s transcendence, the more we will experience both genuine terror at our otherness, but also awe and wonderment at his kindness. This wonder should drive us to worship God for his loving kindness, grace, long-suffering, and forgiveness. When Moses went up to Mount Sinai, the Lord proclaimed his name and said “The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity” (Ex. 34:6–7). After listing out the iniquity and sins of Israel, the prophet says, “Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him” (Isa. 30:18). And the ultimate expression of this lovingkindness and justice culminates at the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. Here at the cross, “God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom. 5:8). For those who believe in Jesus Christ as Lord, there is no longer any condemnation for sin (Rom. 8:1). 

To experience the fear of God is both to tremble in terror at his transcendence and to worship in awe of his benevolence. 

We defined the fear of man as the emotion that arises from believing an individual or group of people has the power to remove or give something you think you need or want and influences the following actions to achieve a favorable outcome. In short, the fear of man is being scared of people. 

In comparison, a right fear of God is the emotion that arises from believing that God is infinitely transcendent, with limitless just power to eternally destroy you, and yet graciously offers to forgive, sustain, empower, and give an eternal life inheritance through Jesus’ substituting sacrifice. Paradoxically, the fear of God is being captivated by God. 

When we are captivated by God we cease to be scared of people. Fear casts out fear. A right fear of God leads us to surrender our fear of man because we are believing something entirely different. When we rightly understand that only God can supply what we desperately need and want, we no longer see people as having power, but God. Thus, in being captivated, in fearing God, we learn to desire to do his will — believing it is genuinely the best thing for us.  

The Fear of God Leads Us to Want the Will of God 

A right fear of God leads us to encounter the will of God. When we know who God is, we are confronted with the decision to either accept or reject his rule. There are no alternatives. Either I deny God’s rule or I fall at his feet and surrender to his will. For those of us who rightly fear God, his transcendence coupled with his lovingkindness calls and compels us to align our lives to his desires because we believe that it will go better for us to do so. And this better for us might not happen in this life but in eternal life to come. We see this represented in multiple inspiring stories of captivated saints throughout the Scriptures. 

From a young age, Daniel was captivated by God despite being a captive in Babylon. Daniel refused to eat King Nebuchadnezzar’s food or drink his wine because of his conviction to obey God’s Word (Dan. 1:8). The chief eunuch wanted to deny Daniel’s request, fearing the king might punish or kill him if Daniel was in poor condition (Dan. 1:10). But God blessed Daniel and showed him favor. 

Later on, Daniel’s countrymen, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, similarly were so captivated by God they refused to worship King Nebuchadnezzar’s golden image and were condemned to burn alive in a furnace (Dan. 3:8–15). When the king inquired of them, they responded with, “If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not… we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image you have set up” (Dan. 3:16–18). Notice how their surrender to God expelled their fear of suffering and death. They acknowledge God has the true power over their lives, and even if he doesn’t choose to save them, he is still more worthy than others — and God does indeed save them (Dan. 3:24–30). 

This same story repeats years later in the life of Daniel when he is thrown into the lion’s den for continuing to pray to God, and God miraculously spares his life (Dan. 6:1–28). When we are captivated by God, we will surrender to the will of God. 

When David faced Goliath, both sides thought his situation was unfavorable. Prior to David, all the men of Israel who saw Goliath fled from him because they were so afraid (1 Sam. 17:24). But David responded with, “Who is this uncircumcised Philistine, that he should defy the armies of the living God?” (1 Sam. 17:26b). And when Saul found David, he said to Saul, “Let no man’s heart fail because of him. Your servant will go and fight with this Philistine…The Lord who delivered me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine” (1 Sam. 17:32, 37). David feared the power of God more than the power of man, even a man as daunting as Goliath. God chose to use this young boy who was captivated by him to declare “the battle is the Lord’s” (1 Sam. 17:47). God’s power so supersedes the power of man that he can use even a shepherd boy to defeat a warrior giant. 

Before his execution, Stephen must have seen the anger building on the Jewish crowd’s faces as he explained to them the gospel of Jesus Christ. But as they became dangerously enraged, Stephen only grew more captivated by God, and God granted him a vision of Jesus standing at the right hand of God (Acts 7:54–56). Upon sharing this, the crowd cried out, stopped their ears, and rushed at him (Acts 7:58). And taking Stephen out of the city they began to stone him to death. Even here, Stephen continued to demonstrate surrender to the will of God and cried out, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them” (Acts 7:60). A right fear of God leads us to desire to do the will of God, even if that means experiencing pain and suffering. 

Hebrews records for us a great cloud of faithful witnesses who were captivated by God. We could talk at length about Abraham’s surrender to God’s will in offering Isaac. Or Joseph’s 20-year stint in captivity due to his brothers’ betrayal. Or Moses’ and Aaron’s surrender to God’s will in Egypt. Or any of the prophets and their unique stories of surrendering to the fear of God over the fear of man. But none of these stories encourages and empowers us to conquer fear like the gospel of Jesus Christ. In Part III, we will examine how our union with Christ enables us to surrender to God’s will and conquer our fears of man. 

Discussion & Reflection:

1. When you think about God, what comes immediately to your mind? Would you say that you fear God? Why or why not?
2. Who do you think you often fear more, people or God? Why do you think this is the case?
3. What was the last thing that caused you significant stress, worry, or anxiety? Was this caused by a fear of man? If so, which one? How might a right fear of God direct your heart toward the truth? 
4. How is your fear of God leading you to surrender to the will of God? If it isn’t, what do you think is preventing you from surrendering? Is there a specific area of your life that you know is difficult or you are unwilling to surrender to God? 

Part III: Conquer Through Surrender 

A right fear of God casts out the fears of man as it leads us to the will of God. And what is the will of God? First and foremost, God desires all people to be saved (1 Tim. 2:4). When we believe in Jesus Christ as Lord of our lives, the Scriptures say we are united to him through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. Jesus describes it this way: “If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him… the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you” (John 14:23, 26). When we confess our sins and believe in Jesus Christ as Lord, God forgives us and unites us with his Son (Rom. 10:9). To overcome our fear of man we must surrender to the one who has conquered.  

It might seem trite to say that our fear of man is conquered through surrender to Jesus. You might think, “that is too simple. Isn’t there a better psychological answer or self-esteem building program that can help me conquer my fear of man? Wouldn’t I feel more confident and courageous if I was better looking, attended a prestigious university, bought new clothes, dated a beautiful person, or landed a reputable and high-paying job?” No, you would not. You would only further fall into the fear of man. Yes, the simple answer is correct. Only through surrender to Christ can we conquer the fear of man. 

Paul discusses further how the Holy Spirit unites us to Christ. He writes, 

If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you… For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” (Rom. 8:11 & 15)

In a separate letter to the churches in Galatia, Paul writes, “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me” (Gal. 2:20). In our union with Christ, we receive the power of Christ who faced and conquered the fears of man. 

In our union with Christ, we conquer through continual surrender to Christ. Even in prison, Paul could write, “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us” (Rom. 8:16). We can face any circumstance fully trusting that “God works all things together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose…who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?” (Rom. 8:28, 35). The implication is: nothing! Nothing can separate us from our union to Christ, from the Holy Spirit making his home within us, and from our eternal dwelling with God. Therefore, “in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us” (Rom. 8:37). We conquer through surrender to Christ. 

What does this look like in practice? When I encounter the fear of man, how does my surrender to Jesus help me conquer my fears? In the next few paragraphs, we will briefly walk through how surrendering to Christ transforms what we think we need and want. This is more than simply a change of perspective or mindset. It is becoming a new person — becoming more like Christ. Remember, our fears emerge from our beliefs about those we think can provide what we need and want. Conquering our fears, then, requires us to be transformed into what Christ desires for us.  

Conquering Our Fear of Finances 

When we surrender to Christ, he changes the way we think about our financial needs and wants. Jesus reminds us, 

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matt. 6:19–21). 

He continues by comforting his audience with the character of God, that he is omniscient and already knows exactly what we need, and omnipotent to provide it (Matt. 6:25–33). But the problem with our fear of financial insecurity often isn’t about what we need as much as it is about what we want. 

Surrendering to Jesus shifts our wants from earthly desires to heavenly ones. This doesn’t mean we should be unwise with our finances or no longer save and diligently and appropriately invest. But it does mean we recalibrate what we believe about finances to align with Jesus, who said it is better to give than receive (Acts 20:35) and that you cannot serve both God and money (Matt. 6:24). Our financial position, however great or small, is a gift from God with which to honor him. When we align our financial beliefs to Christ, our fear of people who can influence our financial position dissipates.  

Simply put, Jesus changes what you want. No longer will you believe you need that big house on acreage with a pool to experience happiness. Nor do you need the latest and greatest sedan, truck, or SUV to find joy. Nor do you need an abundant 401K or Roth IRA to live out retirement free from worry or suffering. You are freed from the lie that wealth will bring you joy. You are freed from being held captive by fear that only certain people can provide that wealth to you. Because you know and believe that your true wealth is found in the person of Jesus Christ, who has gone to prepare your home for an eternal inheritance. This belief is so much more than mere contentment. This is a surrender to believing that what Jesus said is true and that God — and not man — has limitless power and knowledge to provide all that we actually want. 

Conquering Our Fear of Embarrassment 

When we surrender to Christ, he becomes the most important relationship in our lives. Jesus said, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:26). Union to the person of Christ means surrendering to him as Lord over every other relationship, even our very own lives. Conquering through Christ requires us to be in Christ — we must be ready to renounce all we have for him (Luke 14:33). Our fear of what people think of us is overshadowed and dominated by a greater concern for what Jesus thinks of us. 

When Christ is on the throne of our hearts, we can conquer our fear of embarrassment by living for an audience of one. We can say with Paul, “I am not ashamed of the gospel” because Jesus is our life (Rom. 1:16)! People might say hurtful things. They might make fun of us. We might end up with fewer friends. But our position in Jesus Christ tells us that we are perfectly and completely loved and adopted into the family of God. In his lovingkindness, God has passed over our sin and chosen to forgive us in Christ. We have a secure eternal inheritance where Jesus has made a home for us. Considering this belief, we no longer fear what people may think or say about us — to our face or behind our back — because we live for King Jesus. 

Conquering Our Fear of Arguments 

When we surrender to Jesus, we can walk into arguments, disagreements, and confrontations with a heart of love and confidence. When it comes to confrontation about our faith, Jesus charged the disciples, “do not be anxious how you are to speak or what you are to say, for what you are to say will be given to you in that hour. For it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you” (Matt. 10:19–20). God can provide exactly what we need when we need it. Our task is to fixate on and live for Jesus unashamedly.  

For all earthly matters outside of faith discussions, a believer’s success in an argument, disagreement, or confrontation is determined not by the outcome but by the process. Our goal is to speak with love, to consider the other person’s perspective, to desire their best, to serve them before serving ourselves, and ultimately to glorify Jesus through how we love our neighbor. Jesus expresses this when he says, “if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles” (Matt. 5:41). This doesn’t mean that Christians are called to surrender their opinions to the desires of others and be trampled. But it does mean we look at conflict differently. We don’t let professing Christians get away with sinful behavior because we love them. We choose to engage any hard questions about life, God, and the Scriptures unbelievers may have out of love for them. Our fear of arguments is conquered by our union to Christ and our desire to glorify and honor his name. 

Conquering Our Fear of Rejection 

When we surrender to Christ, we are accepted into the perfect family of God. Jesus says in Mark 3:35, “whoever does the will of God, he is my brother and sister and mother.” When you are united to Christ, God is your Father, heaven is your home, and the church is your family. Nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus. When our focus is on pleasing our Savior, we conquer the temptation to please or appease people. This also frees us to love people as Christ has loved us — abundantly and unconditionally. 

Rejection by people in the world isn’t something you need to fear — it is something you assume has already happened! As Jesus says during his high priestly prayer, “I have given them your word, and the world has hated them because they are not of the world, just as I am not of the world” (John 17:14). When we are united to Jesus, we are uprooted from the world, “For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world” (1 John 2:16). The church is where we find our relationships because we recognize we do not have anything in common with the world. Pressure from peers or professional colleagues disperses when we surrender to Christ and find our desire for acceptance met by him.

Conquering Our Fear of Suffering 

When we surrender to Christ, we embrace suffering as a means of becoming like Christ. Paul talks about this often, saying for “his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ” (Phil. 3:8). Peter even tells us to expect to suffer: “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings” (1 Pet. 4:12–13). If Jesus suffered, we should expect to suffer too. This doesn’t make suffering enjoyable, but endurable because we know we are becoming more like him. Our union to Christ shifts our affections from desiring comfort to desiring Christlikeness. 

We shouldn’t seek suffering, but shouldn’t be surprised by it either. It is important to remember that Paul and Peter are talking about suffering because of being united to Christ. When we experience pain because we are in sin, breaking the law, or making unwise decisions, we shouldn’t consider that suffering — that is better identified as discipline. But fear of suffering shouldn’t stop us from walking in obedience to Christ. For we can expect, if we are surrendering our desires, ambitions, and lives over to Christ that we will suffer in some measure as he suffered. 

Discussion & Reflection:

1. Recall your financial goals from Part I. Do you think these goals reflect a heart that has surrendered to Christ and desires treasure in heaven? Why or why not?  
2. Recall your fears of embarrassment from Part I. How does your union to Christ help you overcome and conquer these fears? Have your fears of embarrassment kept you from sharing the gospel with anyone? Pray that God would provide you the opportunity to overcome that fear.
3. Is there anyone you are currently avoiding because you don’t want to get into an argument or disagreement? How do you think you can demonstrate to them the love Christ has shown you? 
4. How does Jesus’ acceptance of you affect your ability to love those you’re tempted to please? How does loving them look different than trying to please them? 
5. Are you experiencing any suffering in life? What do you think is the cause of the suffering? If this is because you are a Christian, how is that making you become more like Christ? Is there anything you have chosen not to do because of fear of pain or suffering? How does surrendering to Christ change how you might approach that thing?

Conclusion

Eric Liddell conquered his fear of man through his surrender to Christ — and he still won his Olympic race. But conquering the fear of man does not always lead to ivy wreaths and gold medals. 

In 1937, only a few years after Eric’s legendary race, a young German pastor published a book in German titled Nachfolge, meaning the “Act of Following.” In this book, the young pastor discussed the difference between cheap grace and costly grace. 

Cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance, baptism without church discipline, communion without confession. Cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ, living and incarnate…Costly grace is the treasure hidden in the field; for the sake of it a man will gladly go and sell all that he has…It is the call of Jesus Christ at which the disciple leaves his nets and follows him.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s book was published as he was removed from teaching systematic theology at the University of Berlin. Soon after, his underground seminary in Germany for the Confessing Church was found out by the Gestapo, who closed the seminary and arrested some 27 or so pastors and students. As pressures increased, an opportunity arose in 1939 to teach at Union Theological Seminary in New York and escape the looming suffering in Europe. Bonhoeffer took it — and immediately regretted it. He was convicted by the call to surrender to Christ, and as such felt he was called to suffer like Christ. He returned to Germany two weeks later.

Bonhoeffer’s book is best known today as The Cost of Discipleship, and is famous for his quote, “when Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die.” 

On April 5th, 1943, Bonhoeffer was finally arrested. After preaching his last sermon, Bonhoeffer leaned over to another inmate and said, “This is the end. For me, the beginning of life.” 

Years later, a German doctor proceeding over the execution wrote the following: “In the almost fifty years that I worked as a doctor, I have hardly ever seen a man die so entirely submissive to the will of God.” 

Bonhoeffer was captivated by God and through surrender to Christ conquered his fear of man. He was able to walk calmly and confidently into his physical death because he had already died to himself, he had been crucified with Christ, and his life was no longer his, but Christ’s. 

About the Author

Jared Price received his Doctor of Educational Ministry from Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky, and currently lives in San Diego, California with his wife Janelle and four daughters: Maggie, Audrey, Emma, and Ellie. Jared is serving as a Lieutenant Commander in the United States Navy and as a Pastor at Doxa Church in San Diego. He is the author of SOLD: Marks of a True Disciple and creator of marksofadisciple.com. Before joining the Navy, Jared served as a Youth Pastor at Cornerstone Bible Church in Westfield, Indiana.

#19 Time Management: A Christian Guide to Redeeming Your Day

Part 1: Wake Up

It would be strange to tell someone to wake up when he is already awake. A teenager may ask mom or dad to wake him up the next morning so he can be certain that he will be on time for work. But if early the next morning, his parents find him in the kitchen already dressed and eating breakfast, they will not start ringing a bell and shouting, “Time to wake up!” It’s clear he doesn’t need a wakeup call.

In that vein, it’s safe to say that God, through the Apostle Paul, would not be calling people to wake up if they were not asleep. He would not waste words telling them to do what they were already doing. This suggests that at least some of the people on his mind as he wrote his letter to the church in Rome must have been asleep. And if that was true of some of them, it’s possible that it’s true of you as well.

Of course, these people were not literally asleep. They were asleep metaphorically. God had assigned them duties, but they were failing to take them seriously. God had called them to be active, but they were being passive. God had called them to live seriously, but they were living flippantly. Paul’s urgency was linked directly to their apathy and laziness.

Are You Asleep?

Is it possible that you are asleep in the way that concerned Paul? How could you know? How could you know if you need this wake-up call? This is a question of self discipline and honesty before God.

The most obvious clues will be found in the immediate context, in what Paul has already taught and emphasized. So let’s briefly consider some of the marks of a Christian who is being lazy instead of active, a Christian who needs to wake up (which is simply another way of saying “a Christian who is not faithfully stewarding and managing his time”).

When we fall into procrastination, we are often spiritually asleep to the purpose of life. Instead of being engaged in Christian living, we find ourselves wasting time on things that do not matter. This section will help you identify if you have lost sight of how to be productive for the Kingdom. If you find that you are drifting, see this not just as a critique, but as a call to a spiritual awakening. Understanding the Bible verses about laziness is the first step toward spiritual growth and learning how to stop being lazy.

1. First, you might be asleep if you are being conformed to the world rather than transformed into the likeness of Christ. In Romans 12:2, we are told, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind.” Christians are to be markedly different from who they were before they pledged their lives to Christ and received his salvation. If you love worldly pleasures, if you pursue worldly ambitions, if you indulge in worldly entertainment, you’re asleep to what God calls you to. Your mind needs to be renewed through a daily devotional life so your whole self can be renewed. If you have not been transformed to be like Christ, you haven’t yet woken up to your true purpose of life.
2. Second, you might be asleep if you are failing to identify and deploy the spiritual gifts God has given to you. Romans 12:6 offers this command: “Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them.” The Holy Spirit gifts each of us in ways that allow us to bless, love, and serve one another. He calls us to diligently discover these gifts and deploy them. If you are not using your gifts to serve others, especially other Christians within the local church, you may well need to wake up and practice better time management for the sake of the Kingdom.
3. Third, you might be asleep if you are not actively expressing love to others. Consider the words of Romans 12:9–10 and ask yourself: Does this describe me? “Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” Could that be said of you? Is that on your mind when you drive to church on Sunday, when you spend time with your small group, when you relate to friends? If you’re not doing that, perhaps it’s because you haven’t woken up to the call of Christian living.
4. Fourth, you might be asleep if you are not giving to everyone what you owe them. Romans 13:7 urges, “Pay to all what is owed to them: taxes to whom taxes are owed, revenue to whom revenue is owed, respect to whom respect is owed, honor to whom honor is owed.” If you aren’t submitting to the authorities God has placed in your life, you’re not loving your neighbor as yourself. You’re asleep and need to wake up.

Would that describe your life? Is your life being transformed by God? Are you expressing your God-given giftedness in ways that serve others? And are you loving others, even far beyond the way you are being loved?

The fact is, a lot of Christians remain asleep. They are not yet living in the ways God calls them to live. They’re still not understanding how the gospel is meant to prompt and motivate a particular kind of life. If you aren’t living the life of Romans, you need to ask whether you truly understand the doctrine of Romans. This realization is often the beginning of a spiritual awakening.

If you are not living that way, Paul tells you to wake up. He holds the alarm clock high in the air so you can hear it ring and clank. This is a call to discipline and spiritual growth. It is time to stop wasting time and start finding your purpose.

This Is the Time to Wake Up

Because some of the Christians in Rome were asleep, and because it’s possible that you too are asleep, you need to hear Paul’s wake-up call. Here’s what he says in verse 11: “You know the time, that the hour has come for you to wake from sleep. For salvation is nearer to us now than when we first believed. The night is far gone; the day is at hand.”

First, he says, “You know the time.” He means that you know the season and the reality we live in right now—the reality that we live between the time of Christ’s ascension and return. We live in a time when God has assigned sacred duties to each of us. He has a certain kind of life for us to live, a certain kind of testimony for us to display. This is the foundation of Christian living.

Then he says, “Salvation is nearer to us now than when we first believed.” In other words, it’s like he draws a big timeline with the day you came to Christ on one side and the day you go to be with Christ on the other side. You are meant to consider this: Where are you on that timeline? You don’t actually know how close you are to the end, but you know that time has passed. You have this finite amount of time to serve God’s purpose. You’re closer to the end of your time today than you were yesterday. What have you done with the time that has passed? What do you intend to do with the time that remains? You must realize that life is short.

How short? Verse 12 provides an answer: “The night is far gone; the day is at hand.” Paul wants you to imagine that you are in the darkness just before dawn. Night is almost over, and daytime is almost here. In his picture, Jesus Christ is going to return when the sun rises. You’re on the cusp. Time is short. The end is almost here. This perspective is vital for spiritual growth.

There is an urgency to Paul’s words. If Christ were returning at sunset, you’d have lots of time to dawdle. But in Paul’s picture, Christ is returning at sunrise, which means the hour is short. The task is urgent. The time is now—the time for wakefulness and the time for action. This is the heart of Gods timing.

I said earlier that a few things in life are more shameful than sleeping when you ought to be at work. It’s shameful to stay asleep when there is work to be done. Paul makes it clear that you have no business now being asleep and lazing around—you have a task to do. This requires self discipline and a commitment to how to stop being lazy. You must reject procrastination and the habit of wasting time.

Of course, questions remain: What is this task? What does it look like? How do you live as someone who is fully awake to God and his purposes? That brings us to our next heading: God has work for you to do. This is where you begin finding your purpose.

—

Discussion & Reflection:

1. Are there ways in which you remain asleep? Did any of the above material convince you?
2. When you read Bible verses about laziness, such as Proverbs 6:9–11 and other passages related to sloth, does it describe any present realities and habits in your life? How might you respond in repentance?

—

Part 2: God Has Work for You to Do

What are the tasks to which God calls you to awaken? What tasks await you? What are you to do instead of resting and dozing? Said another way: What are you to steward and manage your time toward?

Paul has said, “The night is far gone; the day is at hand.” And then he adds the words, “so then.” These are words of purpose, words that move from waking up to getting active. They bridge from the wake-up call to the explanation of what Christians are to do once they have heeded the alarm: “So then let us cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light” (Rom. 13:12).

The Twin Tasks of Awakened People

Paul loves this metaphor of taking off and putting on. He uses it in many of his letters to convey the idea that when you come to Christ, there is a twin task that awaits you. You must stop some things and start others. You must stop some behaviors and begin others. And he depicts this with clothing.

In this little illustration, a soldier is asleep when the trumpet suddenly blows, warning that the enemy is attacking. He’s been in bed wearing his pajamas, but the alarm sounds, and he needs to spring out of bed and put on his uniform. You need to do something like that when you come to Christ. Of course, it’s not clothes you need to take off and put on, but behavior, attitudes, and desires associated with the old self—the one that has been lazily asleep to God’s purpose. It all needs to be replaced with the new self. This is the essence of self discipline and spiritual growth.

Here, Paul ramps it up a little by telling you not only to take off but to cast off the works of darkness. It’s not enough to dawdle or change slowly. That soldier needs to rip off his sleeping clothes, put on his fighting clothes, and make his way to the front lines. This is a call to how to stop being lazy and engage in the battle of Christian living.

Are you awake to God’s great purpose, and are you dressed in the appropriate actions and attitudes? Are you diligently putting off the old and putting on the new? Growth is not merely a matter of actions but also of character. If you want to act more like Christ, you need to become more like Christ. As important as it is to do, it is equally important to become, because your actions will always follow your character.

As Paul extends his teaching, he explains what it means to take off those night clothes. In verse 13, he says, “Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy.”

To walk properly is to walk with decorum and dignity—to live in a way that is fitting for one who has been saved by God. As a Christian, you are to walk nobly instead of ignobly. This is the practical side of discipline and time management: choosing to honor God with your body and your relationships rather than wasting time in sin.

Paul lists three pairs of words that each describe a form of indecent living—actions or attitudes associated with the old way of living. While not exhaustive, this list serves as a mirror for our own lives. When we neglect our morning prayer or daily devotional, we often find ourselves slipping back into these old “night clothes” of laziness and worldliness.

1. First, he mentions “orgies and drunkenness.” I understand that if you’re the kind of person who reads a couple thousand words into a field guide, you’re probably not the kind of person who gets blind drunk or participates in orgies (which in the Bible tends to refer to drinking parties rather than explicitly sexual occasions). But we should consider what lies behind the words. While they overtly refer to a life of partying and carousing, a life of drinking and addiction, they represent a life of escapism, an unserious life spent avoiding the duties God has assigned. And that may be something you can identify with more than outright drunkenness.
2. Next is “sexual immorality and sensuality.” Those refer to sins of the body, sins of sexuality. This is using other people for your own pleasure and misusing God’s good gifts for selfish purposes instead of God’s purposes. Few factors in society today have made a deeper impact on stewarding and managing time than becoming engaged in sexual immorality, most notably through pornography.
3. Then comes “quarreling and jealousy.” These are social sins that affect your relationships with others. You may be far too upright to drink yourself drunk, you may be far too noble to sleep with someone who isn’t your spouse, but if you are quarrelsome, if you like to pick a fight, if you are petty and jealous, if you are discontent with what God has given you and envious of what he has given others, you’re living in a way that dishonors him. You’re still asleep, still acting like someone who is slumbering through the night instead of waking up to serve the Lord throughout the day. You might be missing opportunities to steward your time toward the highest of purposes because you’re giving it to the lowest of purposes.

What are you called to do instead of frittering away your life in escapism and indulgence, in sexual immorality and senseless bickering? We are accustomed to being told to imitate Christ or be like Christ. Here, Paul expresses it a little differently. He says, in verse 14, “Put on the Lord Jesus Christ.”

As you put off those ugly behaviors, you are to put on Christ. In other words, you are to wear Christ as your clothing or as your armor. That’s a picture of being fully reliant on him, fully devoted to him, fully submitted to him, and doing your utmost to imitate him in every way. This is the ultimate goal of spiritual growth.

Paul wraps up the verse by insisting you are to “make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.” That means not even considering how to feed the flesh or how to indulge its evil desires. It means refusing to dwell on the gratification that comes from sin rather than on the gratification that comes from obeying God. It calls you to ensure you are not allowing your mind to dwell on sin when it should be dwelling on Christ through morning prayer and daily devotional time. In other words, it calls you to steward your time toward what delights God.

What Binds the Sins Together

Now we get to the key. What binds all these sins together is this: they are failures of love. This matters because the great implication of the gospel is love! To fail to love is to fail to understand and apply the gospel. If you believe the doctrine of Romans 1–11, you need to live out the life of Romans 12–16—a life wholly committed to love.

The gospel calls you to love in the way you have been loved. It calls you to clothe yourself in Christ. Your duty and responsibility is to live your life in love—loving others as a display of God’s love for you.

What this means is that your time management and productivity are far bigger than yourself. Your task is not to fabricate some sense of inner meaning, but to love—to steward and manage your time toward love. The best reason to be productive is to express your gratitude to God through service to others. This is the purpose of life and the heart of Christian living.

Love Your Neighbor

Every Christian should have a deep longing to be productive—to devote the best of their time to the best of all purposes. Productivity is “effectively stewarding your gifts, talents, time, energy, and enthusiasm for the good of others and the glory of God.”

Productivity is deploying:

– Gifts: Spiritual gifts given to serve others.
– Talents: Innate abilities from God.
– Time: The number of days allocated to you (life is short).
– Energy: The ebb and flow of your abilities.
– Enthusiasm: Passions God has given you.

It is taking all you are and turning it outward. “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them” (Eph. 2:10). As you faithfully steward your time to glorify God by serving others, you are walking in the footsteps of our Savior. This is the path to finding your purpose.

I want you to take this away more than anything—you are called to direct your life toward love. This is the highest form of self discipline. By rejecting laziness and procrastination, you free yourself to serve.

—

Discussion & Reflection:

1. In absolute honesty, are you in bondage to any of the sins that Paul outlines? If you are, can you understand how that will impact your ability to faithfully steward and manage your time? What might God be calling you to do about those sins?
2. Why is a life stewarded toward expressing your love for God by loving other people such a fulfilling life? Why is it more fulfilling than living toward a sense of inner purpose?
3. Consider Jesus and how he stewarded his time. What can you learn from his example and Gods timing?
4. What specific actions might God be calling you to take so you replace wasting time and self-indulgence with expressing love to others?

—

Part 3: A Method for Stewardship and Management

This brings us at last to methodology. And methodology matters because your calling is so important and your task is so urgent. There are people to love and opportunities to serve. By implementing some methods, you can grow in your ability to take advantage of each one.

I would like to help you build a method—a set of habits and commitments—that will enable you to manage your time. This is a very good place to begin your journey of self discipline.

Step One: Inventory Your Responsibilities

The first step is to inventory the responsibilities God has assigned to you. You have a finite amount of time and an infinite number of potential opportunities. A manager of time needs to determine what is a responsible use of time and what is an irresponsible use.

An area of responsibility is a role or function God has assigned to you.

Personal: Caring for your own body, soul, and mind (including morning prayer and daily devotional).

– Family: Obligations toward parents, children, or siblings.
– Church: Living out your faith in a serving community.
– Job/Vocation: Your main position, whether in an office, school, or home.
– Social/Friends/Hobbies: Other areas that vary by life circumstances.

Spend a few minutes creating a list of 5–6 broad categories. Once established, list the specific tasks or roles under each. Ask yourself: “When the day comes when God requires an account, what will you have had to faithfully steward?”

Example under “Personal”:

• Physical health (how to stop being lazy regarding exercise).
• Spiritual health (Bible verses about working hard, prayer).
• Personal growth (learning and reading).

By completing this audit, you gain an understanding of what God has made you responsible for. This is the foundation of effective time management.

Step Two: Define Your Mission

The second step is optional but helpful. Now that you have wrapped your mind around your life, you should consider: What does success look like? I suggest you craft a mission statement—a statement of purpose that serves as a standard for Christian living.

You can create one mission statement for your whole life or one for each area. A mission statement helps you answer: “Did I fulfill this?” and “How will I fulfill this?”

Remember that the controlling principle is love. Each mission should relate to living out that purpose. Establishing your mission gives you confidence in finding your purpose and saying “yes” to the right opportunities while saying “no” to things that waste time.

When you define your mission, you are better equipped to handle procrastination because you know exactly what you are working toward. You are learning how to be productive by aligning your daily actions with your eternal calling. This clarity is essential for spiritual growth and ensuring that you are not merely busy, but effective in Gods timing.

Step Three: Select Your Tools

So far you have carried out an audit on your life and defined your mission. The third step is to choose your tools. Tools are essential to getting things done well and efficiently. It makes sense to invest some effort in choosing the right tool for the job.

There are three tools that are essential to an efficient and trustworthy system of time management. These three are distinct, yet complementary:

1. Information tool: Allows you to collect, organize, store, and access information. Today, most people prefer an app like Dropbox, Apple Notes, Microsoft OneNote, Notion, or Evernote. This is where you keep your daily devotional notes, ideas, and documents.
2. Scheduling tool: Allows you to visualize time and receive reminders about what is urgent. This is your calendar (Apple Calendar, Google Calendar, Outlook). It helps you honor Gods timing by organizing your appointments.
3. Task tool: Allows you to collect and organize your to-do items. Apple Reminders, Google Tasks, and Microsoft To Do are all sufficient. This tool is vital for self discipline, as it tracks what needs to be done.

Choose an information tool, a scheduling tool, and a task tool. For most people, the basic options that come with your phone will be sufficient to help you learn how to be productive.

Step Four: Build a System

The fourth step is to build a system—a set of repeated methods, procedures, and routines. You want a system that is so trustworthy that you can rely on it to store information, remember tasks, and ensure you are where you need to be. You will entrust this information to your tools and trust your system to bring it back to you.

– Your information tool is for storing files, meeting notes, or ideas that flit into your mind.
This supports your spiritual growth by capturing insights you may need later.
– Your scheduling tool is where you visualize available time. It is the place for meetings and events that happen at a particular time.
– Your task tool is for recording granular tasks with due dates. To fight procrastination, don’t just write “Write a Book”; break it down into “Create outline” or “Write the introduction.” Beginning each task with a verb makes it clear what needs to be done to avoid wasting time.

A well-established organizing principle is “a home for everything and like goes with like.” This means:

– When you receive an important PDF, save it to your information tool.
– When you have a meeting at 3 PM next Tuesday, add it to your scheduling tool.
– When you need to stop by the store, add it to your task tool.

Maintaining distinction between these tools is key to Christian living. It allows you to move away from the chaos of laziness and toward a life of order. By using these tools faithfully, you are practicing the discipline required to steward the time God has given you.

Step Five: Establish a Review

The fifth step is one that will happen regularly—daily for some, weekly for others. In this step, you will review your system and tools to ensure everything is in order. Every system tends toward chaos rather than order, and every person tends toward apathy rather than effort. For that reason, any system relies upon a degree of care and maintenance. This is where self discipline meets your daily routine.

I suggest taking a few moments at the beginning of each day to check your task tool and see what is due. Also, check your scheduling tool to see which appointments are coming up. This will help you understand how much time you have available. Your scheduling tool shows you what time is available, and your task tool shows you what can be scheduled into that time. This simple act of time management helps you avoid wasting time on low-priority distractions.

The second regular review is done weekly or monthly. In this review, you will look at your areas of responsibility and your mission statements to consider whether you are living the kind of life to which God has called you. You will ask whether you are expressing love for God and your fellow man. This is a vital time for spiritual growth and ensuring your Christian living aligns with your convictions.

Step Six: Get Things Done

The sixth and final step is to get things done! It is to steward and manage your time. You do that by following your system and using your tools day by day. Complete your regular reviews and let the system build your confidence.

Build the system until you trust it to remember whatever needs to be remembered and to direct you toward the tasks that most fulfill the purpose of life God has given you. Be willing to adapt it to the changing circumstances of your life. By rejecting laziness and procrastination, you are finally learning how to be productive for the glory of God.

As you start your morning prayer or daily devotional, ask God for the strength to be a faithful steward. Remember that life is short, but with discipline and an understanding of Gods timing, you can live a life of meaningful service. You now have the motive and the method—it is time to get to work.

—

Discussion & Reflection:

1. Which of these steps do you already have in place, whether in the way described here or otherwise? Which will be new for you? Do any strike you as particularly challenging?
2. Who is a mentor or trusted friend you could ask to help keep you accountable as you build out a system for productivity?
3. Reflect on Bible verses about working hard. How does this scriptural foundation change your perspective on how to stop being lazy?

—

Conclusion

I began this field guide by insisting that, more important than any system of productivity or any system that helps you master your time, is establishing your motive. I trust you have learned that motives matter and that the best stewardship follows from the best motives. I trust you have learned that the best motive of all for stewarding and managing your time is the motive of love—to display your love for God and your awe at what he has done for you by deliberately and delightfully directing your life toward the noble purpose of loving others. There is no greater motive, no greater purpose, and no greater satisfaction than this. For this is why God made us and why God saved us.

Recommended Resources

1. Do More Better: A Practical Guide to Productivity by Tim Challies
2. What’s Best Next: How the Gospel Transforms the Way You Get Things Done by Matt Perman
3. Redeeming Productivity: Getting More Done for the Glory of God by Reagan Rose

All three of these books express a distinctly Christian view of productivity and time management and all three will guide you to further resources that can prove helpful as you grow in both knowledge and implementation.

About the Author

TIM CHALLIES is a pastor, noted speaker, author, and a pioneer in the Christian blogosphere. Tens of thousands of people visit Challies.com each day, making it one of the most widely read and recognized Christian blogs in the world. Tim is the author of several books, including Visual Theology, Epic: An Around-the-World Journey through Christian History, and Seasons of Sorrow: The Pain of Loss and the Comfort of God. He and his family reside near Toronto, Ontario.

#15 Lust: What the Bible Really Says About Pornography

Part 1: Scott and Jess

The saddest people I have ever known are the victims and perpetrators of sexual sin. When I entered ministry, I did not know I would spend countless hours sitting with broken people overcome by the damage of sinful sex. I know more painful stories than I could ever tell or you would ever want to hear. But I would like to serve you and your pursuit of sexual purity by sharing just one.

One of the most tragic stories of sexual sin I know involves a married father of six. From all outward appearances, the man I will call Scott was living a model life. He was a highly successful businessman with a beautiful wife and a half dozen wonderfully smart children, whom they were homeschooling. He and his wife, Jess, were respected lay leaders in their church and were constantly surrounded by friends. Then, one morning, Jess’s world fell apart.

Scott was out of the country on business when Jess received a text message from him. She opened it up to discover a graphic video of Scott with a prostitute. Scott had intended to send the video to his business partner down the hall from his hotel room, but he accidentally sent it to his wife. That was the moment everything changed.

The next several weeks were a dizzying array of terror and tragedy as Jess discovered that the man she thought was her husband did not actually exist. She became aware that the father of her children rarely went more than a day without spending hours looking at pornography. She uncovered a perverse competition with two of his coworkers where they would leave town and try to capture the most vile sexual acts on video with prostitutes. She discovered that he had been unfaithful with countless women over their entire relationship together—a heartbreaking pattern of adultery that began even on the night they got engaged.

Jess was overwhelmed, discouraged, and disgusted. She didn’t know how to think or act. She reached
out to some friends for help and was trying to make sense of a life she did not recognize. Then things
got worse. Late one night, she and Scott were supposed to be talking about how to proceed with the shattered remnants of their marriage, but no one knew what to say, so they sat in silence. The kids were in bed, and it was raining outside. The doorbell rang, and neither Scott nor Jess could imagine who it could be. When they both made their way to the front of the house and opened the door, Scott swore. It was Tamara.

Jess had no idea who this woman was, but Scott did, and he was dumbfounded as she began speaking. Tamara stood on the front porch as she explained to Jess that she and Scott had met online at a place
for married people looking to have affairs. She said they had been together for months and were in love. She shared how Scott wanted to leave Jess and the kids and be with her, but he was too scared to speak up, so she was coming to do what he would not. In her hands was a packet of material, including images fueled by lust and printouts of text messages where he proclaimed his love for Tamara and his disgust for his wife.

It was a lot of information to share in just a moment or two, but Tamara wasn’t finished. When she completed her information download, she began her appeal. She looked at Scott and begged him to get his things and leave with her. She said she knew he didn’t love Jess, and now that things were out in the open, he was free to do what he wanted. In that moment, Jess suddenly became resigned to the way things were. She moved out of the doorway and sat down on a bench in the foyer. Her high school sweetheart and one of his mistresses were each standing on either side of the front door as the wind
blew rain into her house. She looked at her husband and said, “Well, Scott, what are you going to do?”

 Scott is facing a decision and must choose. It is a moment of decision that comes to everyone confronting sexual sin. It is a moment of decision that you will face throughout your life. Scott’s moment of decision might be more dramatic than yours, but it is no less stark. It is the choice between wisdom and righteousness on the one hand and folly and sexual sin on the other.

Part 2: Proverbs and Purity

The Proverbs portray wisdom in the personal terms of a parent pleading with a son to pursue righteousness and good judgment:

– “My son, be attentive to my wisdom; incline your ear to my understanding” (Proverbs 5:1).
– “And now, O sons, listen to me, and do not depart from the words of my mouth” (Proverbs 5:7).
– “My son, keep your father’s commandment, and forsake not your mother’s teaching”
(Proverbs 6:20).
– “My son, keep my words and treasure up my commandments with you” (Proverbs 7:1).
– “And now, O sons, listen to me, and be attentive to the words of my mouth” (Proverbs 7:24).

Wisdom comes through the close, personal mentoring between a loving parent and a child facing the harsh choices of a sinful world. The personal appeal of this wisdom is based on what is calculated to bless the life of the young man who would listen, “The commandment is a lamp and the teaching a light, and the reproofs of discipline are the way of life” (Proverbs 6:23). The mentor in Proverbs shares his insight, not in an effort to be controlling, nor in an effort to keep his listener from pleasure, but to help him know life and joy. Wisdom is for the lasting good of him who would follow it.

A particular focus of this life-giving wisdom has to do with a person called the adulteress or forbidden woman: “For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching a light, and the reproofs of discipline are the way of life, to preserve you from the evil woman, from the smooth tongue of the adulteress” (Proverbs 6:23–24). As the teaching of a father to his son, it refers, rather obviously, to a woman. But if the teaching were from a mother to her daughter, it would include the same prohibition about a forbidden man. The text refers most obviously to a physical person since physical presence was most obviously required for adultery in the ancient world.

But the Biblical teaching against is watching porn a sin and sexual immorality requires us to identify this forbidden person as any image in our mind (Matthew 5:28). Of course, the advent of internet porn addiction also means that the forbidden woman must also be identified as any pornographic image on our screens. The forbidden woman in Proverbs is, therefore, a reference to every expression of sinful sexuality.

In the book of Proverbs 7, wisdom appeals to young men to keep away from this forbidden woman. But the appeal does not come in isolation. The forbidden woman also makes an appeal. As loudly as wisdom screams to run away from this woman, the forbidden woman screams to follow her. This appeal to follow wisdom, or the woman, was the choice that confronted Scott that day at his front door. It is a choice that confronts you. Will you walk in wisdom or pursue sin? The appeal of wisdom, as it beckons you to follow, is to help you understand the twisted and sinister arguments of the forbidden woman. In Proverbs 5–7,
a wise and Godly mentor speaks to young men trying to decide whether to follow righteousness or folly by clarifying what it is about this forbidden woman that is so tempting and what is so deadly. In what follows, we will unpack these arguments so that we can clearly see what is going on and what is at stake as we all confront the forbidden woman in whatever form she takes.

When we talk about the temptations of the forbidden woman, we mean that there is a sinister appeal
of sinful sex. Proverbs 5:3 says, “The lips of a forbidden woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil.” Proverbs 7:21 says, “With much seductive speech she persuades him; with her smooth talk she compels him.” The point is that in a fallen world, sinful sex is appealing; it draws us in. The appeal of sinful sex is both strong and dishonest.

Part 3: The Temptations of the Forbidden Woman

It is crucial to understand that the appeal of sinful sex is strong. As men, we are wired by God to be sexual creatures. In a sinful world, this wiring is broken, and we are drawn to sexual realities that God hates and that are bad for us. It is neither wise nor holy to deny the truthfulness of this reality. The appeal of sinful sex is strong — and it is dishonest. Sexual immorality makes a promise of joy and pleasure that it cannot keep. The wise man in Proverbs unpacks the smooth talk so we will recognize it when we see it and have a better chance of following wisdom. Let me highlight just three realities of this smooth talk.

1. Sinful Sex Looks Beautiful

In warning against the temptations of the forbidden woman, the wise man of Proverbs warns against the apparent beauty of sinful sex: “Do not desire her beauty in your heart, and do not let her capture you with her eyelashes” (Proverbs 6:25). These words are as important as they are honest. You could imagine a very pious-sounding mentor talking about the Bible verses about lust and making an argument that any kind of sinful sexuality is ugly. But what makes sexual sin so tempting is not that it looks ugly but that it looks so beautiful.

The wise man in Proverbs is honest. He doesn’t make the case that sinful sexuality is ugly. He makes clear that there is much beauty in the corrupt world of sinful sex. But he also wants us to understand that this beauty stands to entrap unwise and ungodly men when he writes, “do not let her capture you with her eyelashes.” The argument of Proverbs is not that forbidden women are ugly but that they are dangerous.

Any beauty possessed by forbidden women is both real and misleading. This is where Scott’s story is so instructive for us. Scott was sexually involved with countless women throughout his life. One of the realities that so tempted Scott to sin with these women was the physical beauty that tempted him away from his wife, family, and faithfulness to the living God. Scott’s change did not involve getting him to believe that what he found pretty was, in fact, ugly. Change meant helping him guard his heart and see that the beauty he observed was real, tempting him to do something bad.

In Homer’s Odyssey, Circe is the Goddess living on the island of Aeaea. On his way back from the Trojan War, Odysseus and his men stop at the island and are enticed by the tempting beauty of Circe. Once in her grip, she uses her knowledge of the dark arts to transform most of the men into swine. The lesson Odysseus’s men learned the hard way is not that Circe was ugly, but that she was evil.

To the men reading this, the reality about the forbidden woman in your life, in your mind, or on your screen that tempts you is that they really are beautiful. But that is only half the truth. The whole truth
is that wherever you find her, the forbidden woman is dangerous and will destroy your sexual integrity.
It has happened to countless men before and can happen to you as well. The call of wisdom is to open the eyes of your heart and see past the surface beauty of the forbidden woman into the horrible consequences that she holds for anyone deceived by appearances.

2. Sinful Sex Promises Interest

The wise man in Proverbs is trying to mentor a young man into wisdom. As he focuses on helping the man grow in the kind of wisdom that would flee from sexual temptation, he gives a dramatic portrayal of a foolish man in pursuit of sexual sin in Proverbs 7:6–9. This young man is acting like a fool (Proverbs 7:7) by being near the home of the forbidden woman after dark (Proverbs 7:8–9). The young man demonstrates his folly by intentionally being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

There is a powerful and practical lesson here for anyone wanting to grow into the wisdom of purity.
When you guard your eyes and are where you are supposed to be at a time you are supposed to be there, it is much harder to sin. You’ll find it easier to commit sexual sin when you are alone or when you are with corrupting influences at a time and place where bad things happen. Another Biblical example of this comes from the life of King David. In order for David to be able to sin with Bathsheba, he needed to be away from his soldiers in his palace at the time when kings went away to war (2 Sam. 11:1).

The question is: why would anyone engage in behavior that is so clearly foolish? The wise voice in Proverbs gives a very helpful answer. The young man is drawn to the forbidden woman because of what she wears. Proverbs 7:10 says she is “dressed as a prostitute.” The wise man does not describe the articles of clothing, and he does not need to. Everyone knows that clothing communicates. There is a difference between the outfit a bride wears to her wedding ceremony and the one she wears to the honeymoon suite. That difference has to do with communication. A bride’s wedding-day outfit conveys the beauty and significance of the marriage ceremony. The bride’s outfit on her wedding night communicates the gift of sexual intimacy she is sharing with her husband. The prostitute’s outfit is meant to communicate that same sexual intimacy in a dramatically corrupt context.

The young man is not only drawn to the forbidden woman by what she wears but also by what she does: “She seizes him and kisses him” (Proverbs 7:13). The aggressive physical affection of the forbidden woman is highly desirable to the man in search of sinful sex.

Closely related to what the forbidden woman wears and what she does is what she wants. The woman is recorded as saying, “I have come out to meet you, to seek you eagerly, and I have found you” (Proverbs 7:15). Do you hear the fixation on you from the woman’s mouth? The allure of the forbidden woman that draws the man near is the promise of desire. Men in search of the lust of the flesh not only have sexual desire but also want to be sexually desired. The clothing, behavior, and words of the forbidden woman communicate a desire for the man that he receives as an addict does illegal drugs.

The only problem is that it is not real. The woman is putting on a show. Proverbs 7:11 says, “She is loud and wayward; her feet do not stay at home.” Proverbs 7:19–20 makes clear that she has a husband. The point is that the interest the woman expresses to any particular man is the same interest she expresses
to lots of men. He holds no particular value for her. There is nothing special about him. When a man falls for the promise of sexual interest from the forbidden woman, he is believing a lie.  

3. Sexual Sin Promises Secrecy

Another principal temptation of the forbidden woman is the one of secrecy. The woman appeals,
“Come, let us take our fill of love till morning; let us delight ourselves with love. For my husband is not at home; he has gone on a long journey; he took a bag of money with him; at full moon he will come home” (Proverbs 7:18–20). When the woman says that her husband has gone on a long journey, that he has taken lots of money, and will be gone for a month, she is communicating a sinister promise. She says
their sin will be safe from prying eyes and that no one will ever know.

Secrecy is a key ingredient of most sexual sin. Most men who sin sexually do it with the promise of not being discovered. This was certainly a huge element of Scott’s sin. All of his porn viewing, philandering, and prostitute purchasing was calculated to happen in the dark without his wife’s knowledge. Secrecy was required. When he blew his own cover and accidentally texted his wife the evidence of his perversion, the lid was blown off his secret life, and he had to stop.

The secrecy promised by the forbidden woman, like the desire she works so hard to communicate, is a lie. It is the nature of sin to be discovered. This is actually a promise in Proverbs 6, “Can a man carry fire next to his chest and his clothes not be burned? Or can one walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched? So is he who goes in to his neighbor’s wife; none who touches her will go unpunished” (Proverbs 6:27–29). The promise is that our entanglements with the forbidden woman lead to punishment and shame. The decision is whether we will believe the twisted promises of the forbidden woman, promising secrecy, or the wise promises of the Bible, promising exposure.

To combat this, a wise man will seek out an accountability partner to bring his struggles into the light. Through the power of the Spirit, we must renew your mind to see sin for what it truly is rather than what it pretends to be.

—

Discussion & Reflection:

1. In what ways have these false promises of sin appealed to you? How are you tempted to believe them?
2. What truth can you use to counteract those false promises?

—

Part 4: The Consequences of the Forbidden Woman

The temptations of the forbidden woman of sexual sin are powerful. The sinister promise of sinful sex
is that a beautiful woman is interested in you and that no one will ever know. The wise mentor exposes these soul-destroying lies to reveal the life-giving truth that this woman, in reality, is not truly appealing but is dangerous and deadly. At the very beginning of his teaching about this woman, he says, “In the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps follow the path to Sheol” (Proverbs 5:4–5). At the very end of his instruction, he observes, “Many a victim has she laid low, and all her slain are a mighty throng. Her house is the way to Sheol, going down to the chambers of death” (Proverbs 7:26–27).

The wise man describes the temptations that are obvious when you only look at the forbidden woman.
As he moves to unpack her dangers, he asks us to take a longer and closer look at this woman. He asks
us to peer below the surface temptations to the reality underneath. When you notice more than her appearance, her feigned sexual interest, and her deceptive promises, you see a woman who will lead
you on a path to destruction. We learn many things about her dangers, but let’s consider three.

1. Entrapment

You see the entrapment of the forbidden woman in the promise of the wise man that, “The iniquities of the wicked ensnare him, and he is held fast in the cords of his sin” (Proverbs 5:22). Sexual sin promises freedom but delivers bondage. You must believe this if you would grow in the wisdom of sexual purity.

This reality is exactly what Scott refused to understand. Scott was enticed by the spurious promise that freedom could be found in sexual sin. Countless prostitutes on his trips out of town seemed a benefit. Numerous girlfriends provided a sense of sexual satisfaction he did not think he could get from his wife. His online harem of internet pornography seemed to open a world of sexual delights not provided by the marriage bed. These were stupid and obvious lies. He learned the truth the hard way that night, standing between his wife and mistress at the front door of his house. Trapped in this moment, he came to see that porn addiction had bound him rather than set him free.

The wise man of Proverbs holds out this truth that the forbidden woman will entrap every person who goes near her. We will all learn this truth one way or the other. You can learn it the easy way by listening to the voice of wisdom and staying away from sinful sex. Or you can learn it the hard way by ignoring
the voice of wisdom, running to this forbidden woman, and allowing the trap to spring around your neck.

2. Disgrace

Another dangerous consequence of the forbidden woman is the disgrace she brings to the person who pursues her. The sobering words of Proverbs 6:32–33 make this so clear: “He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself. He will get wounds and dishonor, and his disgrace will not be wiped away.”

The truth being communicated here is more profound than you may realize at first. The warning is
built on the very important reality that our reputation is important, and everyone wants a good one.
This reality is affirmed in Scripture, as Proverbs 22:1 says, “A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches, and favor is better than silver or gold.” We all know our reputations are important, and we are all pursuing a good one. We can pursue that wisely through acts of faithfulness and righteousness. Or we can be reckless, foolish, and unrighteous.

The logic of sexual immorality plays off the importance of that good reputation with the promise of secrecy that we discussed earlier. The forbidden woman whispers in our ears that we can engage in these vile acts and no one will ever know. She woos with a promise that wicked deeds done in private will not have a public impact.

The voice of wisdom cuts through the lie with a jarring diagnosis for anyone who would believe it:
“He who commits adultery lacks sense” (Proverbs 6:32). You must know that the path toward the forbidden woman is the path of wounds, dishonor, and disgrace. Scott thought he could outrun this reality. He thought he could keep his mistresses, prostitutes, and pornography together with his reputation as a good, Christian, family man. His experience is only one tragic demonstration that
God’s Word always proves true.

3. Destruction

I began this discussion on the consequences of the forbidden woman by discussing how dangerous
and destructive she is. The Bible is abundantly clear that sexual sin will destroy you. Here, I also want to make clear that sexual sin will destroy others. Proverbs 6:34–35 talks about the jealousy and pain of the husband of this forbidden woman. This man is a reminder that sexual sin damages not just those who commit the sin but everyone in the radius of those who do.

Scott’s story is an example of this destruction. Everywhere you look in his life, there is the carnage from his wickedness. Most obvious are his wife, children, friends, and extended family, who were permanently wounded by his immorality. Harder to see is the pain and the carnage from his mistress standing at the front door, that woman’s husband, and all her children. Harder to see are the other women nobody ever heard of, and whose names Scott couldn’t even remember. Harder to see are the countless stories of Scott’s prostitutes that he bribed into sin and wickedness.

Your story of sexual sin is an even more personal example of this destruction. The promise of sexual sin is a selfish one that will feel so wonderful, and no one will get hurt. The true reality is that everyone touched by your sin will incur pain. Who is your sin hurting or threatening to hurt? One of the problems with pornography is the dishonest claim that it is a victimless crime. Such foolish arguments overlook the close interaction between pornography and the sex trade. Such foolish arguments overlook that whenever we look at pornography, we create demand for a fundamentally corrupt product that leads people to do things in front of a camera that the God in whose image they are made says ought not to be done and for which they will be judged. In this horrible bargain, everyone is responsible for their own sin, including you. How many people that you have never met will be destroyed forever in hell because of their sins that you were delighted to stare at on the screen of your phone?

The point of all this is that, though the temptations of the forbidden woman are strong, they cannot counteract the truth that sinful sex destroys everything and everyone it touches. The wise man of Proverbs is appealing to you to refuse to believe the lie of sin, to embrace the truth of wisdom, and
to run away from foolishness and toward sexual integrity.

—

Discussion & Reflection:

1. In your own experience, can you think of how sexual sin has left you entrapped,
   disgraced, or destroyed?
2. Since sexual sin wreaks so much havoc on our lives, why do you think it remains so tempting?

—

Part 5: Our Response to the Forbidden Woman

The wisdom that moves from sexual sin to purity does not only require knowledge about the temptations and consequences of the forbidden woman. It also requires clarity about how to respond to her. The wise man not only warns us about this significant problem but also gives instructions on how to avoid it. Of the many wise instructions that are offered in the book of Proverbs, I will focus on three.  

1. Do Not Go Near the Forbidden Woman

Earlier, we observed that one of the mistakes of the foolish man slipping into the clutches of sin is that he was someplace he never should have been: “I have seen among the simple, I have perceived among the youths, a young man lacking sense, passing along the street near her corner” (Proverbs 7:7–8). This man knows where this dangerous woman is and stupidly goes near her. This is the opposite of what should happen.

The foolish logic of sin encourages men to observe the words, appearance, and behavior of the forbidden woman, be enticed, and move towards her in eager expectation of the forbidden delights she promises. In your personal experience, you see the immodest clothing and longing glances of such women; you see the posts on social media inviting you to the webpages of immoral people, and you are enticed and decide to get close. Such a move is the opposite of what wisdom teaches. You will grow in wisdom only when you begin to guard your eyes and see those sinister signals inviting you closer as a warning, crying out for you to flee in the opposite direction.

The move to run far away from such a powerful temptation will seem counterintuitive to our sinful instincts at first. That is why the wise mentor of Proverbs spends so much energy describing the powerful temptations and ruthless dangers of this woman. We must remember these dark realities when sin seeks to draw us in. The presentation of beauty is a trap: “All at once, he follows her, as an ox goes to the slaughter, or as a stag is caught fast till an arrow pierces its liver; as a bird rushes into a snare; he does not know that it will cost him his life” (Proverbs 7:22–23). The wise truth that we all must learn is that we draw near to the forbidden woman at our peril.

The best way to move away from the forbidden woman is to move toward the lovely wife. Right in the middle of his warning about sinful sex, the wise man of Proverbs urges to embrace Godliness and righteousness in the purity of marital sex (Proverbs 5:15–21). This teaching is important because it makes clear that God is not opposed to sex in general, only the sinful kind. God loves sex that is faithful and pure. That is how he made it to be. That is why God promises so much joy to those who focus their sexual passions in the context of marriage. One of the most effective ways to turn away from faithless sex is by pursuing marriage.

This pursuit of purity will be a challenge for everyone because of our sinful interest in faithless sex. It will be more challenging for those who are not married. Obviously, if you don’t have a wife, you cannot invest your sexual passions in her. It would also be fundamentally selfish, unhelpful, and damaging to pursue marriage with anyone for the mere reason of sexual fulfillment. Still, that is an encouragement to young men to grow in love, responsibility, Godliness, and the kind of maturity that faithfully pursues a worthy woman. This exhortation comes from a father to his son, who is likely still unmarried.  

2. Do Not Live a Life of Hiding

Proverbs 7:9 says that the foolish young man in pursuit of sexual sin goes near the house of the forbidden woman, “In the twilight, in the evening, at the time of night and darkness.” I have observed throughout this field guide that the foolish man walking into the trap of sinful sex is called out by the pure man of wisdom for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. But there is another lesson to learn from passages like Proverbs 7:9. That lesson does not only have to do with the location of the one in pursuit of immorality, but with his intention. The man goes looking for sin in the dead of night. The man is hiding in the dark to conceal his sin from others.

This habit of hiding is a primary characteristic of pornography use today. It is done in secret, behind closed doors, or on private screens. To break this cycle, you must find an accountability partner who can walk with you in the light. Living in the light is the only way to avoid the shame that secrecy brings.

The Bible makes repeatedly clear that a life of sin thrives at night in the dark in order to conceal, and that righteousness happens in the openness of the broad light of day (cf., John 3:20; Rom. 13:12–13; Eph. 5:11; 1 Thess. 5:8). There is more than a moral analogy behind such teaching that darkness is to sin as light is to righteousness. There is also a moral exhortation that sin happens through deceptive concealing, and righteousness happens through transparent revealing: “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy” (Prov. 28:13).

I have been emphasizing Scott’s story, but I have many more stories to tell than just one. In fact, my entire ministry is a catalog of such stories — some are less extreme than Scott’s, but some are worse. There is a powerful lesson I have learned over the years from these men and women, regardless of the extravagance of their sexual transgression. That lesson is that sexual immorality is never the first step in someone’s destruction. That terrible reality is always preceded by a desire to conceal. When you listen to the stories of someone in the throes of the destruction of sexual sin, there is always a moment when they decided to turn away from living in the open light of righteousness and decided to live in the deceptive darkness of sin.

The appeal of wisdom is to turn from a deadly desire to conceal and run to the freedom of a life lived honestly and in the open. Your desire to cover and conceal will not help you. It is destroying you. There
is shame in talking about the actions you’re taking and the thoughts you’re thinking. I know how you feel. I know you are overwhelmed at the thought of coming clean with someone you love and trust. I am appealing to you to listen to wisdom. Just like Scott, the day is coming when your sin will be revealed. Every day you hold off your open confession, you are stockpiling more and more transgression to be revealed when you finally come clean. That means that things get worse from here, not better. You should turn from a deceptive desire to conceal, pray to the Lord right now, and find someone you can talk to immediately.  

3. Do Not Desire the Forbidden Woman

As you encounter those first two exhortations, you may think they sound pretty tough. It may feel impossible to imagine confessing your sin to someone. You may find it unimaginable that you could stay away from the beautiful appeals of the forbidden woman, beckoning you to draw near. I assure you that such exhortations are nothing compared to this one. We find this most difficult and important exhortation in places like Proverbs 7:25: “Let not your heart turn aside to her ways; do not stray into her paths.” Here, the Bible teaches that we must not even have lust for the forbidden woman.

The Bible is clear that we are all driven and guided through our lives by our hearts. The language of
the heart, in this sense, is not meant to communicate a physical organ that pumps blood throughout
our bodies. Instead, it refers to the immaterial part of who we are — our soul that actually motivates and guides our physical bodies. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Guard your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” The idea is that everything we do in our lives is motivated, guided, and initiated by our hearts.

We recognize the operations of our immaterial heart by desire. You can discern what motivates everything you do by asking what you wanted that led to the action. You and I are always motivated by desire. In Proverbs 7:25, we read that foolish men stray into the path of forbidden women only after they have given in to the lust of the flesh in their hearts.

This truth reveals our fundamental problem. We are tempted and destroyed by sinful sex because we want it. The appeals of the forbidden woman work on us because we desire her. The forbidden woman
is guilty of grievous sin, but her sin cannot make us do anything we do not want. James 1:14 says, “each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire.” We get in trouble with sinful sex because we are broken and sinful, wanting what God rejects and rejecting what God desires.

This truth makes things worse than they were at first. Solving our problem with the forbidden woman of sinful sex will never happen through altering our external situation. Mere changes in our environment will never be enough to steer us clear of the clutches of porn addiction. The dark desires of our hearts mean that the changes that matter most must happen inside of us.

When you figure out how to make these changes, this fundamental problem will become your fundamental solution. The bad news is that the temptations work on you because you want what she is selling. The good news is that when you renew your mind, you will have no desire for the destructive delights of sinful sex; the temptations will be powerless against you.

—

Discussion & Reflection:

1. Out of these three instructions about sexual sin from Proverbs, which one do you need to implement immediately?
2. Is there anyone to whom you owe confession for sin? In what ways is there darkness in your life that needs to be brought into the light?

—

Part 6: Jesus, Wisdom, and the Forbidden Woman

All of the wisdom in the book of Proverbs comes from Solomon. He was the great king of Israel who was gifted by God with miraculous levels of wisdom: “And God gave Solomon wisdom and understanding beyond measure, and breadth of mind like the sand on the seashore so that Solomon’s wisdom surpassed the wisdom of all the people of the east and all the wisdom of Egypt” (1 Kings 4:29–30). But as wise as Solomon was, there was someone even wiser. Jesus says, “The queen of the South will rise up at the judgment with this generation and condemn it, for she came from the ends of the earth to hear the wisdom of Solomon, and behold, something greater than Solomon is here” (Matt. 12:42). Several realities make Jesus greater than Solomon.

First, Jesus is the fountain of Solomon’s wisdom. When the Apostle John describes the coming of Jesus into the world, he says, “The true light, which gives light to everyone, was coming into the world” (John 1:9). The Bible teaches that human beings are made intellectually ignorant because of the damage of our sin (Eph. 4:18). But Jesus is the true light which illumines the thinking of every darkened sinner. That means anything we come truly to know is the gift of Jesus Christ, the incarnate Word of God. Solomon was not able to gain his wisdom on his own but was a beneficiary of the grace of the pre-incarnate Son of God, extending knowledge to him.

Second, Jesus is the goal of Solomon’s wisdom. The Apostle Paul prays for believers that our “Hearts may be encouraged, being knit together in love, to reach all the riches of full assurance of understanding and the knowledge of God’s mystery, which is Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge” (Col. 2:2–3). Just one important teaching from this passage is that all wisdom finds its goal in Jesus, meaning that all true wisdom ultimately leads to him who is the wisdom of God (1 Cor. 1:30). If wisdom does not align with the teaching of Jesus, it is not wisdom. Because Jesus is the fountain of all wisdom, we will ultimately find that wisdom through a personal knowledge of him.

Third, Jesus perfectly lived out wisdom in a way that Solomon could not. Solomon was a truly wise man. But the stain of sin in his own heart placed a limit on his ability to follow his own counsel. Nehemiah 13:26 says, “Did not Solomon, king of Israel, sin on account of such foreign women? Among the many nations, there was no king like him, and he was beloved by his God, and God made him king over all Israel. Nevertheless, foreign women made even him sin.” The man whose wisdom we have surveyed in this chapter wandered from his own counsel about the forbidden woman, but Jesus’ life was marked by the complete freedom of sin, “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weakness, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin” (Heb. 4:15).

Fourth, Jesus creates the wisdom in us that Solomon describes. Solomon’s words are rich with wisdom
as he rightly describes the dangers of sexual temptation and strongly urges us to flee from them. But because we are sinners, our hard hearts have no power to obey these righteous words. Sin makes us want things we should not want and emboldens us to disobey God’s truth rather than obey: “I would not have known what it is to covet if the law had not said, ‘You shall not covet.’ But sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment produced in me all kinds of covetousness” (Rom. 7:7–8).

But Jesus does what the law could not do, giving us the power to obey the truth by believing in his life, death, and resurrection (Rom. 8:3–4). The bad news about our sinful hearts is that we cannot obey the wisdom of Solomon on our own. The good news about Jesus is that his powerful grace equips us to obey wisdom and become wise in him: “Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus… equip you with everything good that you may do his will” (Heb. 13:20–21).

What all this means is that if you want to grow in wisdom and holiness, you need more than the words
of wisdom that Solomon shares. You need the Savior, Jesus, to whom Solomon points. Jesus is the personification of wisdom. He is perfect righteousness that accomplishes the sexual purity you never could. He is the perfect sacrifice for sin who cleanses your transgression through his blood shed on the cross. His resurrection power gives you the ability to move towards sexual integrity from the corruption of sinful sex. If you want to be wise and pure and avoid the death and destruction of lust and pornography, you need to trust in Jesus. The more you trust in him, the more you will renew your mind.

I wish I could say that the story about Scott had a happy ending, but it didn’t. That stormy night, he managed to squirm out of a difficult situation, promised Jess he would do better, and ultimately sought counseling with her. The early weeks of counseling seemed promising as Scott apparently came clean about his sin, and Jess was willing to stick with him to work on their problems. In the long term, however, Scott was unwilling to change. He never ultimately turned from his double life and never turned from
the forbidden women that seemed to bring him such joy. In the end, he divorced his wife, abandoned
his family, and is now growing old alone, apart from everyone he used to know.

Scott’s is a true tale that illustrates the wisdom of Proverbs. As sad as it is, I pray that you will listen to his story and listen to the ancient words that point to the path of life centuries before Scott chose the path
of destruction. More than that, I pray you will run from the forbidden woman into the arms of Jesus, who loves you, died for you, prays for you, and gives you his own purity as you trust in him.

—

Discussion and Reflection:

1. Why is Jesus our only hope for real heart change when it comes to sexual sin?
2. Who can you reach out to in order to have an accountability partner and encouragement to fight the temptation of sexual sin?

—

About the Author

HEATH LAMBERT is the senior pastor of First Baptist Church in Jacksonville, Florida. He also serves as
an associate professor at The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky, and formerly served as executive director of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors. He is the author of several books, including Finally Free and The Great Love of God.

#13 What is Marriage: A Biblical Guide to Love and Unity

Part 1: What is marriage?

We’ve briefly looked at four characteristics of marriage as portrayed in God’s Word. But we’ve waited to talk about the purpose of marriage. What does it all mean? Why did God institute marriage in the first place?

To Display Christ’s Relationship with the Church

We see signs throughout the Old Testament that marriage is a metaphor for God’s relationship with his people. The prophet Isaiah encourages Israel by reminding them, “Your Maker is your husband” (Is. 54:5). In the book of Jeremiah, God scathingly refers to Israel’s faithlessness as adultery and playing the whore (Jer. 3:8). Yet the prophet Hosea assures Israel that God will betroth them to himself forever (Hos. 2:19–20).

But it’s not until we get to the New Testament that God fully reveals the “mystery” that was hidden until Christ came: Marriage points to the relationship between Jesus and his bride, the church.

As Paul writes, “‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church” (Eph. 5:31–32).

When God wanted to communicate the intensity, depth, beauty, power, and unchanging nature of Christ’s relationship with those he redeemed, he instituted marriage. No other relationship so fully mirrors God’s ultimate purposes in the universe as the lifelong covenant between a husband and his wife. It’s a living, breathing illustration of the Gospel of grace.

It’s true that God describes his relationship with us in other ways: a father to his children (Is. 63:16), a master to his servant (Is. 49:3), a shepherd to his flock (Ps. 23:1), a friend to a friend (John 15:15). But at the beginning of the Bible and at the very end, it’s a bride and a groom.

And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place
of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away” (Rev. 21:2–4).

Here, at the end of history, we see the aim of history. God is finally dwelling with his people, and it’s a husband and his bride — Jesus and the church — enjoying a perfect union forever.

Every wedding in this life, as magnificent as some might be, pales in comparison to the marriage supper of the Lamb yet to come (Rev. 19:9). Marriage represents a love so glorious, so enduring, so powerful, so joy-filled, it will take your breath away. And this becomes even clearer  when we see it from God’s perspective:

– At a wedding, we see two flawed individuals promising to love each other for as long as they live. God sees Jesus promising to love his people for eternity. This contrast helps us understand what is marriage from God’s perspective.
– At a wedding, we see two individuals saying “I do,” not knowing what lies ahead. God sees Jesus, before time began, saying “I do,” knowing exactly what would come. This reflects the deeper Christian marriage meaning rooted in divine purpose rather than human certainty.
– At a wedding, we see a beautiful wedding and reception that will be over in a few hours. God sees
an eternal banquet of joy, peace, and love, celebrating the union of Christ and his bride, made spotless through the atoning work of Christ (Rev. 19:9). These Bible verses about marriage lift our eyes beyond
the ceremony to eternal realities.

This means marriage isn’t ultimately about us. It can’t be, because marriages in this life are temporary. Though lovers may promise eternal devotion to one another, in the new heavens and earth, “they
neither marry nor are given in marriage” (Matt. 22:30). Being husband and wife is about the privilege of displaying to a lost and watching world the faithfulness, holiness, passion, mercy, perseverance, and joy that characterize the eternal relationship between Jesus and those he died to save. This is the true purpose of marriage revealed throughout marriage in the Bible.

To Make Us More Like Christ

Given how glorious marriage is, it should be evident that none of us is up to the assignment! That was especially true in my case. I often look back on our wedding day and wonder what led me to think I was ready to get married. I was proud, self-centered, immature, lazy, and confused. Not to mention poor.

But in God’s kindness, he uses Biblical marriage to conform us to the image of his Son (Rom. 8:29). We don’t stay the same person. Of course, God can change us when we’re single. But marriage in the Bible brings a new set of challenges that range from the silly (which way to hang the toilet paper, how to get somewhere, what determines “messy”), to the significant (where to live, what church to join, how to spend your money). Decisions once made on our own now involve another person. And that person happens to sleep in your bed!

God’s instructions to husband and wife in the New Testament show us what kind of change he’s after. Wives are to submit to and respect their husbands (Eph. 5:22, 33). Husbands are commanded to love
their wives, to give themselves up for them, and to cherish them as their own bodies (Eph. 5:25, 28–29). Peter says wives are to be subject to their husbands and focus on an internal, rather than external, beauty (1 Pet. 3:1–3). He says husbands are to pursue understanding their wives (rather than assume they know what they’re thinking), and to view them as co-heirs of God’s grace (1 Pet. 3:7). These specific commands, often summarized under Ephesians 5 marriage, go against the grain of our sinful tendencies as men and women, and at the same time assure us that God wants to use our spouse to change us. Are you looking for opportunities to be less selfish, proud, angry, independent, domineering, and impatient? This is part
of the purpose of marriage.

But confronting our sin isn’t the only way God changes us in a Godly marriage. It also provides a context for modeling and experiencing firsthand the kind of love, mercy, and grace that Christ has shown us.
In the context of companionship, forgiveness in marriage, encouragement, and kindness, God softens
our hearts and deepens spiritual intimacy, wooing us by his Spirit into the likeness of Christ.

To Expand God’s Kingdom

Up to this point, we haven’t touched on how children fit into the Christian marriage meaning. But throughout Scripture, children are seen as a reward, a joy, and something for which we should pray
(Ps. 113:9; 127:3; Gen. 25:21). Barrenness is described alternatively as a cause for grief or a sign of discipline (1 Sam. 1:6–7; Gen. 20:18). God brings husband and wife together so that they might be
fruitful and multiply, filling the earth with other image-bearers who will bring him glory (Gen. 1:22, 28).

That doesn’t mean a childless couple is sinning or outside of God’s will. Some couples are unable to conceive. Others have chosen to delay having children for various reasons. One can’t say that to be truly fulfilled, a husband and wife must bear children. But the family remains one of the surest and most fulfilling contexts for raising disciples who will be ambassadors for Christ as they grow older, reflecting the enduring vision of marriage for life.

—

Discussion & Reflection:

1. Were any of the purposes of marriage in this chapter new to you? Are any of them particularly challenging to your understanding of what is marriage?
2. If you’re married, how do you seek to display these purposes? If you’re not yet married, how would you hope to display them?

—

Part 2: What Is Marriage For?

It’s likely that some people reading this field guide are single. So I want to talk about the season between friendship and engagement and how it relates to Biblical marriage. How does someone navigate that potentially awkward, tense, uncomfortable, anxiety-producing time? Does it have to be that confusing?
Is there a Biblical process rooted in the purpose of marriage?

As my opening story made evident, I didn’t have a clue what I was doing when Julie and I were dating. But after walking our six kids through weddings, and talking to hundreds of singles preparing for Christian marriage, it’s a lot clearer than it used to be!

The Bible describes three basic relationships as adults: friends, engaged, and married. Each one involves a commitment that ultimately prepares us for husband and wife life.

– In friendship, we commit to serving the Lord and others.
– In engagement, we commit to marry someone.
– In marriage, we commit to fulfilling God’s purposes as a husband or wife within marriage in the Bible.

It’s tempting to create a new category between the first two. We even come up with unique names for it: dating, courtship, super-friendship, pre-discovery, having a special friend, and being intentionally involved.

Whatever we call it, it’s not a new status with special privileges like physical intimacy—which Scripture reserves for Biblical marriage—or authority over one another’s schedules. We’re engaging in a new pursuit that will hopefully enable us to discern God’s will while honoring God’s boundaries regarding premarital sex. Essentially, we remain friends who are committed to discovering whether or not this is the person we want to spend our lives with in a Godly marriage. Here are some principles that can guide us along the way of discovery.

Know What It Means to Be a Friend

God speaks specifically to what kinds of friendships glorify him, and those commands don’t become irrelevant when we’re exploring whether or not someone could be a future spouse within Christian marriage meaning. They become our foundation.

– “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Prov. 18:24). Friends care about you specifically and personally.
– “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Prov. 17:17). Friends aren’t fickle or fair-weather. They stick around during hard times.
– “A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends” (Prov. 16:28). Friends don’t gossip or slander about each other.
– “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy” (Prov. 27:6). Friends tell you the truth about yourself for your good.
– “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel” (Prov. 27:9). Friendships are strengthened and sweetened by intentional conversation.

Romans 12:9–11 sheds more light on what God-honoring friendships look like and how they prepare us for Biblical marriage:

“Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord” (Rom. 12:9–11).

In other words, the primary focus of a friendship is serving, not selfishness; encouraging, not enticing; preparing, not playing. Friendship is to be characterized by authenticity, Godliness, honor, zeal, and service—virtues essential for a future husband and wife relationship. In fact, the more we aim to serve others, the more opportunities we find for relationships to develop.

But what happens when you meet someone you think could be a potential spouse? Before we even begin to ask whether he or she is the one, we need to ask ourselves, “Could I be the one for someone else?” If the answer is “no,” then you don’t even need to be thinking about what is marriage yet.

In his book Single, Dating, Engaged, Married, Ben Stuart describes those two approaches as the difference between a consumer mentality and a companion mentality. As a consumer, I think about what I want, what I’m looking for, and what will serve me. It’s a short-sighted, self-centered perspective that turns people into products. But people aren’t products. They’re human beings made in the image of God, worthy of the dignity reflected in Biblical marriage.

In contrast, a companion mentality realizes: I have something to contribute to the relationship, and it asks if I can contribute meaningfully to a life together with this person, not if they simply check all my boxes.

So let’s assume you’re in a position to start looking for a spouse. At some point, you find a person you’re attracted to. It may be their Godliness, their laugh, their appearance, their humility, or the way they serve. You like this person and want to be with them more, potentially discerning a future marriage covenant meaning grounded in Scripture.

What happens next looks different for men and women. Generally, men are the ones who initiate, and women are the ones who respond. But we’re going to look at six characteristics in this time of pursuit and exploration that will serve both genders as they prepare for Christian marriage advice in the next sections.

1. Pursue with Humility

It’s not uncommon for couples to be well into a relationship before they think about seeking counsel. Maybe we trust ourselves, don’t want others to tell us it’s a bad idea, or are excited that someone actually likes us. But Scripture tells us that, “Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered” (Prov. 28:26).

The number of singles who have humbly sought counsel about a new relationship is dwarfed by those who pursued a relationship independently and ended up in self-centeredness, sadness, or sin. This kind of humility is foundational Christian marriage advice, even before marriage begins.

Ask your friends, parents, small-group leader, or pastor whether it’s wise to explore a relationship with this individual. Keep them up to date for accountability, encouragement, and prayer—practices that often grow into lifelong prayers for marriage. And make sure you’re asking people who will be brutally honest with you!

2. Pursue with Prayer

James promises, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him” (James 1:5). Exploring the potential of marrying someone requires a great deal of wisdom. But it’s important to distinguish between praying for wisdom and praying God would make a certain person your future spouse. I’ve known individuals in a relationship who only prayed it would lead to marriage. But that’s not praying for wisdom. It’s asking for a result. Humble prayer says we’re willing to hear from God as to whether or not a particular person could be our spouse in a Biblical marriage.

3. Pursue with Integrity

God tells us that, “Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out” (Prov. 10:9). Walking in integrity means being clear about what’s happening in your relationship.

A girl (or a guy) shouldn’t be wondering why you’re suddenly spending so much time together. There should be a conversation. The man should make it clear that he wants to find out whether God intends this relationship to lead to marriage and that he wants to pursue growing knowledge, not growing intimacy. And as a father of four girls, I can assure you that in most cases, it’s helpful to check in with the girls’ father to communicate your intentions. This kind of clarity helps prevent confusion later in conflict resolution marriage situations.

As the relationship develops, talk about how things are going and what the next steps look like. Are you seeing each other too much? Too little? Talk about encouraging things, as well as any concerns. It can be helpful to allow for times without communication as well, to give each other space to process the relationship.

If any flags or checks arise, you should talk about them openly and honestly. You haven’t committed to a lifelong relationship yet. If the concerns are serious—such as theological differences or lifestyle choices—and can’t be resolved, you can end the relationship as friends. Scripture’s warning about being unequally yoked (cf. 2 Cor. 6:14) is especially relevant here. “Whoever gives an honest answer kisses the lips” (Prov. 24:26).

4. Pursue with Purity

Confusion in the area of purity is one of the greatest hindrances to a God-glorifying time of discovery. But Scripture indicates that any type of sexual arousal between a man and woman is reserved for the covenant of marriage. This is why the Bible consistently warns against premarital sex. First Thessalonians 4:3–6 tells us we are not to walk in the passion of lust like unbelievers, that sinning in this area affects others, and that sexual purity is a serious matter in God’s eyes. We’re to put to death things like “sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry” (Col. 3:5). Paul tells Timothy to “treat…younger women like sisters, in all purity” (1 Tim. 5:1–2).

Establish clear guidelines and keep them. During our engagement, Julie and I aimed not to do anything that would arouse either one of us. That might mean something as innocent as holding hands. Sometimes just being near each other could be too much. How much more of a reason to take precaution and exercise self-control!

God doesn’t want us to be deceived in this area. Arousing interactions affect us physically and are designed to lead to more of the same. God set it up that way to ensure ongoing sexual relations in marriage to populate the earth.

Proverbs is filled with warnings for those who don’t take God’s prohibition against sexual sin seriously. If you can sit next to each other in an apartment alone at night for two hours and nothing happens, don’t assume you’re above the possibility of compromise. Being proud that you can handle a potentially tempting situation is often only a prelude to a situation when you can’t (Prov. 16:18). God kindly warns us in Proverbs 6:27–28, “Can a man carry fire next to his chest and his clothes not be burned? Or can one walk on hot coals and his feet not be scorched?”

When in doubt, pursue honoring Christ, not testing your limits.

And remember that while the blood of Christ assures our complete forgiveness for any and every sin, it also means we have been bought with a price—so glorify God in your body
(1 Cor. 6:20).

5. Pursue with Intentionality

Exploring a relationship with a potential spouse involves more than hanging out together. Learn as much as you can about the other person to discern whether this is your future spouse. Now is the time to ask as many questions as you can think of, and then ask some more.

Are they a Christian? How well do they understand and apply the Gospel? What is their view of God’s Word? How involved are they in their church? What do their friends say about them? How do they work through conflicts—skills that will later shape forgiveness in marriage? What are their goals, hobbies, and interests? How do they relate to their siblings? How do they view men’s and women’s roles? What is their health history? How do they work through sin, discouragement, and disappointment? What is the direction for their life?

And that’s just to get you going. As your questions are answered, God will either confirm your attraction or lead you to end the relationship.

6. Pursue with Faith

I’ve often talked to single adults who wonder if a season of exploration will ever happen, or are fearful about their current relationship. But God is eager to guide us through this season and wants us to have faith that he will speak clearly as the relationship progresses.

And what is that faith directed towards? For a man, it means he believes God will confirm whether or not he’s found the woman that he wants to lead, care for, cherish, provide for, and protect for the rest of his life—a vision rooted in Ephesians 5 marriage teaching (Eph. 5:25–33; 1 Pet. 3:7; Prov. 5:15–19; Col. 3:19). For a woman, it means God will confirm whether or not she’s found the man she wants to serve, respect, love, honor, submit to, encourage, and support for the rest of her life (Eph. 5:22–24; 1 Pet. 3:1–6; Col. 3:18).

More questions should bring either confirmation or concerns. If it’s the latter, a couple can separate in faith, knowing God has spared them from a potentially difficult relationship and will continue to lead them in his perfect will.

—

Discussion & Reflection:

1. If you’re single, was any of this section helpfully corrective to how you’ve pursued a spouse? How has it reshaped your understanding of Christian marriage advice, and what might you do differently from here as you think about the purpose of marriage?
2. If you’re married, how might you encourage single people you know to pursue a spouse with humility, prayer, integrity, purity, intentionality, and faith—helping them prepare for a Godly marriage marked by wisdom and trust in the Lord?

—

Part 3: How do I find a spouse?

It’s been almost fifty years since Julie and I determined getting married would be God’s will for us. One might ask how a marriage that started like ours could survive and even thrive through the challenges, sufferings, and unexpected obstacles every couple faces.

God has used various means to contribute to our growth over the years, including our involvement in our local church and the example and counsel of friends. But by far the most important factor has been the Gospel. The Gospel tells us that God created us to live in loving friendship with him. But we rejected him and deserve to be judged for our pride, self-centeredness, and rebellion. So God sent Jesus, his Son, to receive the punishment we deserved and reconcile us to himself forever. Those who believe that good news are confident they will one day meet God not as a judge who sentences them to eternal punishment, but as a Father who welcomes them into eternal joy.

A Biblical marriage is unlike any other marriage because the husband and wife have both experienced God’s grace through the Gospel. They don’t approach their relationship in their own strength, but benefit from what Jesus accomplished for them and in them through his life, death, and resurrection. This is the heart of Christian marriage meaning and the foundation of a Godly marriage.

But what does that look like? And what are the effects of forgetting or failing to apply the Gospel in our marriage?

To answer those questions, we’re going to look at three specific ways the Gospel changes how we think about being a husband or a wife in marriage in the Bible.

The Gospel Changes Our Understanding of Our Identity

When we get married, many things about us change. We’re in a new relationship, a new family, a new home, and in many ways, we have a new identity. We’re no longer single; we’re half of a “couple.” You’re a husband. You’re a wife. This reflects the marriage covenant meaning that defines what is marriage according to Scripture.

But at its most foundational level, our identity remains the same. We are “in Christ.”

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me (Gal. 2:20).

In a similar way, Paul tells the Colossians:

Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory (Col. 3:2–4).

Christ is our life, whether we’re single or married. Christ is our life if our spouse dies or if we go through a divorce, shaping even our understanding of the Biblical view of divorce. Without erasing our personality, temperament, history, or character traits, we have become a new person in Christ: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come” (2 Cor. 5:17).

But sometimes we think our identity is something other than Christ — like our past. We think of ourselves primarily as the person we’ve always been, a product of our family, experiences, personality, and culture. Certainly, our family background affects us. Suffering abuse while growing up, being raised by a single parent, or experiencing belittling as a child can shape the way we relate to our spouse in different ways, influencing spiritual intimacy and our lived experience of Christian marriage advice.

But our past is not our identity. We can be influenced by our past. Our past can explain why we’re tempted. Our past can cause us to have an affinity for those who grew up like we did. Our past can explain a lot of things. But our past is not who we are. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6:9–11:

Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

The Gospel has the power to transform us in such a way that we are no longer ruled by the things we’ve been through.

Our past is not our identity: Christ is.

Another place we might look for our identity is our role as a wife or husband and wife. We view our role in the marriage as unique or even superior. But as we saw earlier, while the distinctions in the roles of husbands and wives are real, they reflect God’s gracious design and don’t determine our value before God (Gal. 3:28). This is central to a Biblical marriage and the true Christian marriage meaning.

One effect of rooting our identity in the Gospel is that it frees us from the sin of comparison. Many “communication” problems are in essence “competition” problems. We’re not looking for a solution; we’re looking for a win. We’re competing with our spouse, rather than for our spouse. But Peter reminds us that husbands and wives together are heirs of “the grace of life” (1 Pet. 3:7), a truth that shapes healthy spiritual intimacy.

One couple wisely counseled us early in our marriage to “fight the problem, not each other.” The “problem” might be sinful judgment, pride, anger, inaccurate information, a world trying to squeeze us into its mold, or the fear of man. We can wage that battle together as co-laborers, not competitors, because we are co-heirs with Christ. He gets the glory, we get the benefits. This mindset is essential for true conflict resolution marriage.

Knowing that our identity is in Christ above anything else will enable us to approach life’s problems, challenges, tests, and difficulties with peace, cooperation, and grace. But that doesn’t mean we’ll never sin against each other.

Which leads to a second effect the Gospel should have on our marriages:

The Gospel Changes Our Understanding of Forgiveness

Forgiveness can seem like one of the highest hurdles in marriage. You expect things to go well, to get along, and for your spouse to agree with you. You anticipate that they’ll never sin. But they do.

And sometimes it’s hard to forgive them. Worse, our unforgiveness feels justified. We feel sinned against. We feel righteous. We feel they deserve to be punished. That we have a right to hold their sins against them.

That’s because when someone sins, an imbalance is created. Justice isn’t being served. Someone owes a debt, and until that debt is paid, things can’t be right.

So, we pursue different strategies to make things right.

Anger – We lash out with our words or punish through our countenance.

Isolation – We drift away or pull back emotionally and/or physically.

Self-pity – We think, “You don’t really care about me.”

Indifference – We communicate, “I don’t really care about you.”

Arguing – We push back through confrontation, forced logic, and strong words.

Score-keeping – We think we’ve earned the right to “win” this one.

None of those are ways God intends us to resolve conflict. But somehow, we move on. Someone mumbles a quick apology. You laugh it off. Or pretend it never happened. But nothing has really changed, and the situation was never resolved.

Only the Gospel can deal with unforgiveness in a thorough and lasting way. That’s because God tells us to forgive others the way he has forgiven us, establishing forgiveness in marriage as a defining mark of a Godly marriage.

…bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive (Col. 3:13).

In speaking of this forgiveness, pastor/theologian John Piper writes,

The doctrine of justification by grace through faith is at the very heart of what makes marriage work the way God designed it. Justification creates peace with God vertically, despite our sin. And when experienced horizontally, it creates shame-free peace between an imperfect man and an imperfect woman.¹

How can we experience the “shame-free peace” he talks about? We remember how the Lord has forgiven us.

– Completely: “And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses” (Col. 2:13). God doesn’t forgive some of our sins. Or a few. Or most. He doesn’t forgive the minor, insignificant ones. He forgives all of them. So we can forgive all the sins of our spouse. This shapes true forgiveness in marriage within a Biblical marriage.
– Finally: “But when Christ had offered for all time a single sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God” (Heb. 10:12). God doesn’t bring up the sins we’ve repented of. He doesn’t rub our faces in them. He doesn’t keep them in his pocket to bring out as a weapon in the heat of an argument. We’re finally forgiven, which protects the marriage for life God intends.
– Wholeheartedly. God doesn’t forgive us begrudgingly — wishing he didn’t have to. He doesn’t mutter, “I forgive you” in a half-hearted way. He doesn’t pretend that nothing really happened. The writer of Hebrews tells us that Jesus, “for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame” (Heb. 12:2). He forgives with all his heart and soul, rejoicing in the restored relationship, just like a father receiving his prodigal son (Luke 15:20).
– Undeservedly: God doesn’t make us prove we’re worthy of forgiveness, ask us to jump through hoops, or wait until we’ve shown we’re really sorry. His forgiveness has nothing to do with us and everything to do with him. “He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy” (Titus 3:5).

It’s God’s mercy, not our worthiness, that causes God to forgive us.

It’s important at this point to say that we’re speaking of forgiveness from the heart, not situations that involve abuse, injustice, or unrepentant ongoing sin that would necessitate consequences. And forgiveness is not the same thing as restored trust or a complete reconciliation. That might require more conversations and actions. This distinction is vital when considering the Biblical view of divorce and what does the Bible say about divorce.

But in most situations when we’ve been sinned against, God calls us to consider how great our sins against him have been and how he has forgiven us so we might be ready to forgive from the heart. Because in the light of that reality, everything changes. We realize we need forgiveness more than our spouse does. Our sins before God are greater than theirs. And Jesus has paid for the sins of both of us.

None of this means we can demand that our spouse forgive us. Often, it’s hard for your spouse to forgive you because you haven’t done a very good job confessing your sin.

A confession that leads to forgiveness and reconciliation isn’t an accident. After every clear offense, I should aim to do at least four things:

1. Name my sins. Call them by Biblical names. “I was proud, harsh, unkind, selfish.” Not, “I was a little off, oversensitive, or made a mistake.”
2. Own my sins. Don’t excuse them, justify them, or blame someone else for them.
3. Express sorrow for my sins. Grieving what you did is a sign of the Spirit’s conviction.
4. Ask forgiveness for my sins. “I apologize” isn’t nearly as meaningful as a simple, “Would you forgive me?” when you want to set things right.

That process can take 15 seconds or two hours, depending on the nature of the offense(s) and what we’re able to see in the moment. It might involve more than one conversation. At different times, you will be the spouse needing to forgive or ask for forgiveness. But for all of us, the Gospel speaks words of hope, comfort, humbling, and assurance, that we can forgive as we have been forgiven. This is at the heart of Christian marriage advice and the purpose of marriage as revealed in Scripture.

The Gospel Changes Our Understanding of Transformation

Sometimes patterns, sinful or otherwise, exist in a marriage that don’t seem to change. It could be as simple as always being late, not picking up clothes, being defensive, or driving badly. It could be more serious, like pornography, worldliness, or bitterness. Apart from the Gospel, change seems impossible. The best we can do is staple fruit to branches while our roots shrivel.

But God really has transformed us, and it’s the Gospel that enables that change to become reality in three ways.

1. The Gospel gives us the proper motivation. We aim now to please God. We don’t seek endless self-improvement so we can be proud of what a great husband and wife we are. That leads either to exhaustion or arrogance.

We don’t pursue change just to keep our spouse happy either. That’s a worthy goal, but it’s not ultimate. We can feel trapped, never measuring up to our spouse’s expectations.

Because Jesus died, we no longer live for ourselves, “but for him who for [our] sake died and was raised” (2 Cor. 5:15). In other words, we’ve been freed to please God. As Peter tells us, Jesus “bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness” (1 Pet. 2:24). This motivation lies at the heart of the Christian marriage meaning and is reinforced throughout Bible verses about love.

2. The Gospel provides sufficient grace to change. That grace comes from knowing that our sins and failures have been forgiven. Note how, after Peter encourages us to grow in Godly virtues, he explains what we need to remember in order to grow:

For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with Godliness, and Godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love… For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins (2 Pet. 1:5–7, 9).

Our growth in Godly virtues depends on remembering the forgiveness we’ve received through the Gospel. We’re not on a never-ending treadmill of failing and asking forgiveness for the same sins, without hope of ever changing. We can change because we have been crucified with Christ, and we no longer live, but Christ lives in us. We have new direction, hopes, desires, and a new destiny. We really have been set free from the power and rule of sin. This lived reality is central to Biblical marriage and echoed in Ephesians 5 marriage.

3. The Gospel provides strength to endure. We can persevere because we know God is committed to conforming us to the image of his Son (Rom. 8:29–30). God will be faithful to what he has determined to do. He won’t leave us hanging.

Ultimately, this is God’s battle to win, not ours. He is defending the work of his Son, proving that his once and for all sacrifice on the cross was sufficient to ransom a “people for God from every tribe and language and people and nation, and make them a kingdom and priests to God, so that they would one day reign on the earth” (Rev. 5:9–10).

God is infinitely more devoted to the strength of our marriages than we are.

So let’s not take for granted the greatest hope and power God has given us. Let’s not fail to run to the means he’s given us in the Gospel for our identity, our forgiveness, and our transformation.

—

Discussion & Reflection:

1. How did this section challenge your own understanding of the Gospel and the way it ought to affect your life?
2. In what ways does the Gospel need to transform your marriage, or other relationships in your life?

—

Part 4: The Difference the Gospel Makes

We’ve looked at God’s purpose of marriage, what he intends to accomplish through it, how to go from friendship to engagement with faith and peace, and the foundational role the Gospel plays in our Biblical marriage.

In this final section, we’re going to talk about marriage for life—marriage for the long haul. One of the benefits of being married for multiple decades is being able to look back and recognize how God was always working in specific ways in each season to display the glory of Christ’s relationship with the church, which lies at the heart of marriage in the Bible.

I’ve divided those seasons into the early years (1–7), the middle years (8–25), and the later years (26+). The divisions are somewhat arbitrary, with some overlap. The commands and promises of Scripture don’t change, regardless of what season we’re in. We always need to be submitted to God’s Word, rooted in the Gospel, and empowered by God’s Spirit in the context of the local church. And priorities in different seasons won’t be absent in other seasons.

But as Julie and I have looked back over time, we’ve seen how aspects of our marriage in the early years contributed to growth in our later years. There has been a cumulative effect in our life together as husband and wife.

So we’ll look at two priorities to focus on in each season that will help strengthen our marriages for the long haul and deepen our understanding of Christian marriage meaning.

The Early Years (1–7): Trust & Humility

The first priority in the early years is building trust. New spouses are often filled with fear and uncertainty. How will things work out? Do I really know my spouse as well as I think I do? Did I make the right decision? What’s to say our marriage will last? Maybe you’ve asked yourself one or more of those questions. Where we go for answers reveals what we trust in, and that trust is essential for a Godly marriage.

The most important trust to develop is trust in God. The psalmist exhorts us, “Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us” (Ps. 62:8). In our early years Julie and I had to trust that God had put us together, that he was sovereign, that divorce wasn’t an option, and that in his book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for us, when as yet there was none of them (Ps. 139:16).

That kind of trust is cultivated and nurtured through spending time in God’s Word and through prayers for marriage, meditating on promises like these:

I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted (Job 42:2).

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ (Phil. 1:6).

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord (Rom. 8:38–39).

But another kind of trust to develop is horizontal: learning to trust each other.

Trust is something built over time in a marriage. We’re getting to know one another. We’re learning about our sin patterns, how we respond in crises, and our root convictions. We’re finding out how well we know ourselves. This slow, relational work strengthens spiritual intimacy.

In the early years, couples are either building trust or tearing it down. A husband is giving his wife confidence to believe him or persuading her that it’s a foolish thing to do. I remember wanting to impress Julie by appearing to have it all together rather than acknowledging my limitations. I would tell her at times, “Just trust me on this.” Not surprisingly, that didn’t build her faith.

Here’s the problem: Guys can think we’re automatically worthy of respect and submission just because we’re husbands. But that respect, that submission, that trust—can never be demanded. That doesn’t take anything away from God’s command to a wife to respect her husband, but a husband has to work at being trustworthy. This reflects the Biblical vision of Ephesians 5 marriage.

Chad and Emily Dixhoorn point that out when they write, “We are told one another’s duties for the purpose of making their work a joy to them—just as Scripture puts it, in another context, for ministers and church members (Heb. 13:17).”²

So, rather than telling your wife, “Just trust me,” a husband’s priority is to work at becoming a man of his word, a man of integrity—a man, in other words, who can be trusted within a Biblical marriage.

Building trust requires focusing on a second area in your early years: humility.

Marriage brings you into constant contact with someone who thinks differently from you in numerous areas, which often leads to conflicts, confusion, bitterness, sinful judgment, and more. What we need in those moments is God’s grace. And God tells us how to get it: “Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble’” (1 Pet. 5:5).

Humility is the foundation for everything else God wants to do in us through our marriage. But what does humility actually look like? At least three things:

Self-disclosure. Humility involves recognizing your spouse doesn’t have the spiritual gift of mind-reading. It shows itself in volunteering information about how you feel, what you’re thinking, where you’re struggling, what you’re anticipating, what you’re planning, and where you’re feeling weak or confused. “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment” (Prov. 18:1).

Seeking input. “The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom, and whatever you get, get insight” (Prov. 4:7). It’s wise to talk with your spouse about significant things like whether or not to take a job, when to buy a house, when to have kids, or whether to pursue education. But it’s no less wise to seek input in smaller decisions, like the best way to get somewhere, how to clean a room, the right way to paint, and how and where to store things. These everyday choices are often where humility—and love—are most clearly displayed in a Christian marriage advice lived out day by day.

Receiving input. Sometimes our spouse gives us feedback we didn’t ask for. But no matter how that counsel is offered, we’re wise to receive it. “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion” (Prov. 18:2). Humility means considering the perspective of our spouse and being open to the possibility that your perspective could be wrong, even when you’re 99.9% sure it’s not. That’s what humility looks like in a Christian marriage advice context.

The Middle Years (8–25): Pursuit & Perseverance

In Gary and Betsy Ricucci’s excellent book, Betsy writes: “We all know that the familiarity and daily routine of marriage can gradually transform passionate devotion into something more like comfortable toleration.”³

The middle years hold great potential for comfortable toleration or uncomfortable bitterness. These are the years of growing obligations, increasing commitments, full schedules, job responsibilities, career advancement, and less free time. If you have children, those effects are multiplied. At times, it’s all we can do to get through the day as husband and wife.

But our hearts are being shaped during these years, either toward the Lord and his purposes, or toward ourselves and our purposes. We’re becoming the married couple we’re going to be through repeated patterns, habits, and practices that define marriage for life.

Couples who divorce after decades of marriage have separated in heart long before they separated in body. That’s why Proverbs 4:23 instructs us: “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” Another way of saying that is, “Love the right things.” So, the two words to describe our priority during these years are pursuit and perseverance within Biblical marriage.

Let’s consider pursuit first. While there are aspects of our lives we are always to pursue—our relationship with Christ, our church, and our family—I want to highlight three categories for husbands to pursue, drawn from Ephesians 5’s marriage teaching and 1 Peter 3.

Pursue laying down your life

After our relationship with the Lord, our greatest pursuit during these years should be learning how to give up our preferences, comfort, and self-focus for our wives. We’re still called to lead, protect, guide, and initiate with our wives. But we do those things out of a heart to lay down our lives, not insist on our own way. This is at the heart of Biblical marriage and reflects the purpose of marriage.

We want to practice thinking of our wife’s cares, thoughts, feelings, hardships, struggles, and trials first—when we get home from work, on our day off, when something inconvenient happens. Rather than assuming, “She can take care of that,” we want to act first.

We might fail consistently in this area. But by God’s grace, we can continue to move toward laying down our lives for her and living out a Godly marriage.

Pursue growing in understanding

Peter tells us that husbands are to “live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life” (1 Pet. 3:7). Why? Because so often conflicts spring from a husband exerting all his energy to get his wife to understand his perspective instead of pursuing spiritual intimacy.

Living with your wife in an understanding way involves asking questions like:

What has her day been like?

What is she challenged by in my schedule?

What does she dream about?

What is she struggling with spiritually? Relationally?

What is her capacity? What brings her rest?

What brings joy to her life? What makes her sad?

At one point in our marriage, the only time I heard Julie was when she broke down in tears. That hardly qualified as living with her in an understanding way. Ask your wife sometime in the next week, in an unhurried moment, “What’s one aspect of your life that you think I don’t understand very well?” Then ask her questions about her response. Dig deeper. Pursue a growing understanding that strengthens marriage in the Bible as it is meant to be lived.

Pursue growing affection

Don’t believe that the fires of passion have to die down, or that the thrill of being married fades as the years go by! Christ’s love for the church never wavers, diminishes, loses its zeal, changes, or dies out—and marriage exists to reflect that reality according to what is marriage in God’s design.

Ephesians 5:29 says he “nourishes and cherishes” his bride. His love is ever fervent and passionate. And so should our love be for our wives in a Biblical marriage.

Our culture tells us that love is something we fall in and out of, largely dependent on how we feel and tied to whether the other person is lovable. God tells us, “By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers” (1 John 3:16). These are timeless Bible verses about love that shape faithful marriages.

For some reason, Julie had a hard time believing I really loved her after we got married. It was 20 years before God did substantial work in her heart, enabling her to believe I did. And ever since then, I’ve been seeking to grow. Here are some of the ways I’ve pursued growing affection:Don’t believe that the fires of passion have to die down, or that the thrill of being married fades as the years go by! Christ’s love for the church never wavers, diminishes, loses its zeal, changes, or dies out—and marriage exists to reflect that reality according to what is marriage in God’s design.

Ephesians 5:29 says he “nourishes and cherishes” his bride. His love is ever fervent and passionate. And so should our love be for our wives in a Biblical marriage.

Our culture tells us that love is something we fall in and out of, largely dependent on how we feel and tied to whether the other person is lovable. God tells us, “By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers” (1 John 3:16). These are timeless Bible verses about love that shape faithful marriages.

For some reason, Julie had a hard time believing I really loved her after we got married. It was 20 years before God did substantial work in her heart, enabling her to believe I did. And ever since then, I’ve been seeking to grow. Here are some of the ways I’ve pursued growing affection:

– Date nights. They’re never easy, but a regular rhythm makes it easier. Dates don’t have to be expensive or even outside the home. But going out can give you a fresh perspective as husband and wife pursuing a Godly marriage.
– Touching. Ever notice how newly married couples are always touching? They’re aware of the thrill, the gift, the presence. We never have to lose that thrill of holding the hand of the one God created us to be with. This kind of closeness strengthens spiritual intimacy in Biblical marriage.
– Kissing. Kissing is an intimate act that expresses and stimulates romantic desire. Don’t waste your kisses. We’ve made it a practice to kiss when we leave each other’s presence or greet each other. Public displays of affection are a good thing and echo many Bible verses about love.
– Pictures. I keep pictures of my wife on my phone, computer, iPad, and watch. They help me cultivate an eye for my wife’s beauty and remember the purpose of marriage God has given us. – Conversations. There are more than a few times when texting just doesn’t cut it. Calls or, even better, FaceTime, bring us closer when we’re apart and deepen spiritual intimacy.

You may excel in other ways of showing affection, like writing notes, giving gifts, buying flowers, or using pet names for each other. Do whatever it takes to communicate to your wife that she is unique and treasured in a Biblical marriage.

A second priority for the middle years is perseverance. During these days of full schedules, demanding careers, a growing family, and growing commitments, it can sometimes seem like you’re not accomplishing anything significant. Life can devolve into mundane routines, and everything starts to feel like an endless to-do list. This is especially true for a wife who is also a mom.

You long for something more adventurous, more amazing, more out-of-the-box, more exhilarating, more productive—more something. You wonder, is this all there is?

But here’s what you’re doing.

As husband and wife, you are living out what God created you for. You’re modeling a relationship of cosmic significance, the relationship between Christ and his bride, displaying a love based on covenant—not simply feelings—that says, “I will be faithful to you until I die.” This is the heart of marriage for life and the Christian marriage meaning revealed in Scripture.

Wives are displaying what joyful, faith-filled submission and respect look like in a world that thinks you can only truly be happy if no one is telling you what to do. Husbands are showing our culture what kind, strong, clear, Godly, loving, sacrificial leadership looks like—exactly what Ephesians 5 marriage teaches.

As parents, you’re showing your children they are valued, loved, cared for, and protected. You’re teaching them that there is a God, that he made them, and that they were made for his glory. You’re standing strong against the tidal wave of gender confusion in our culture, raising girls and boys who delight in God’s plan. You’re building a Gospel culture that will potentially shape generations.

You are part of the church, valuing the gathering every week, being built up into the body of Christ as a testimony of what God is doing in the earth.

So we persevere, remembering God’s encouragement: “Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised” (Heb. 10:35–36).

These are the years to walk faithfully in the calling God has given you, knowing that you are serving the Lord, not man. Because we look forward to hearing the Lord himself say to us, “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matt. 25:21).

And that won’t be because of our faithfulness, but because of his: “Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful” (Heb. 10:23).

The Later Years (26+): Gratefulness & Servanthood

One of the great temptations in our later years can be to look back with regret or condemnation. We can battle disappointment or even despair — to ask what-if’s or why-not’s, or be preoccupied with what we did or didn’t do, and the poor choices we’ll never get to do over.

That’s why the later years are a time to prioritize gratefulness. God has brought you to this place, and he has faithfully guided every step, keeping you from evil at times, and redeeming every sin and failure at others. The important thing as we look back is to focus not on our actions, but God’s:

The righteous flourish like the palm tree and grow like a cedar in Lebanon. They are planted in the house of the Lord; they flourish in the courts of our God. They still bear fruit in old age; they are ever full of sap and green, to declare that the Lord is upright; he is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in him (Ps. 92:12–15).

These are the years to declare that “the Lord is upright and that there is no unrighteousness in him.”

The later years aren’t the time to start being grateful. But it is the time to excel in it. Because those who have eyes to see know that their lives have been filled with the kindness and mercy of God, and can say with the psalmist: “The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance” (Ps. 16:5–6).

Part 5: Marriage for the Long Haul

Julie and I will often remind each other that our blessings far exceed our trials. We look back and see His sovereignty not only in bringing us together as husband and wife, but sustaining us through ovarian surgery early on in our Biblical marriage, two miscarriages, robberies, stolen cars, a daughter whose husband deserted her with five children, a grandson who battled leukemia twice before he was 13, and two recent bouts with breast cancer.

Through it all, God has never failed to be faithful and redeem for good what the enemy meant for evil. And even if we hadn’t seen the Lord’s faithfulness in carrying us through these trials, we could look back and see that God, without our knowledge or asking, sent his only Son to live the perfect life we could never live, receive the just punishment we deserved, and be raised to new life to give us forgiveness, adoption into God’s family, and the confident hope of eternal joy. This hope anchors a Godly marriage far more deeply than circumstances ever could.

So we’re grateful. Grateful for God’s steadfast, unchanging, never-ending love—the kind of love described throughout the Bible verses about love that shape the heart of marriage in the Bible.

The second priority for the later years is servanthood. Paul reminds us in 2 Corinthians 4:16 that our outer self is wasting away, and that’s all too evident. But the older years are not the time to kick back, live for ourselves, and not serve anyone. Opportunities abound, especially for couples committed to marriage for life. And here’s why it makes so much sense as we get older to expect God to use us more to serve others.

We have more time to serve. For most of us during these years, our kids aren’t around, we have fewer job responsibilities, and more discretionary time—time that can be invested in encouraging younger couples seeking Christian marriage advice.

We have more wisdom to draw from. If we shared only from our mistakes, we’d have plenty to give to younger couples! But we’ve also learned from things that have turned out well. Older couples are a wealth of wisdom for those who often have only their peers to turn to for counsel on Biblical marriage and forgiveness.

We have more resources. Gone are the obligations of school, jobs, and raising a family. When I’m asked about retirement, I don’t know what to say. Certainly, as the outer man wastes away, it will limit the amount and degree to which we can lay our lives down for others. But I can’t help but think of Jesus’ words: “For who is the greater, one who reclines at table or one who serves? Is it not the one who reclines at table? But I am among you as the one who serves” (Luke 22:27).

Don’t we want to be like Jesus? Don’t we want to be the one who serves—reflecting the true purpose of marriage as a lifelong testimony of grace?

—

Discussion & Reflection:

1. Do the stages of marriage described here ring true in your own marriage? How might you grow in the priorities of the stage you’re in, whether newly married or pursuing marriage for life?
2. Ask a mentor if there are things he or she has learned in these stages of marriage and discuss how they reflect the Christian marriage meaning taught in Scripture.

—

Conclusion

I pray this field guide has helped you see that marriage, as God planned it, is worth treasuring. It’s worth fighting for. It’s worth treating as sacred. And it’s something we can pursue with great faith, because as John Newton wrote:

Through many dangers, toils, and snares we have already come ‘Tis grace that brought us safe thus far, and grace will lead us home.

Wherever you may be in this wonderful, mysterious, challenging, adventurous, amazing journey of marriage, God’s grace will bring you home.

Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen (Heb. 13:20–21).

Endnotes

1. John Piper, This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2012), 34.
2. Chad and Emily Van Dixhoorn, Gospel-Shaped Marriage: Grace for Sinners to Love Like Saints (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2022), 43.
3. Gary and Betsy Ricucci, Love That Lasts: When Marriage Meets Grace (Wheaton, IL:
   Crossway, 2006), 49.

About the Author

BOB KAUFLIN is a pastor, composer, speaker, writer, and the director of Sovereign Grace Music, a ministry of Sovereign Grace Churches. He serves as an elder at Sovereign Grace Church of Louisville and has written two books: Worship Matters and True Worshipers. God has blessed him and his precious wife, Julie, with six children and over 20 grandchildren.

#7 Sexual Purity — What the Bible Says About Sex Before Marriage

Part 1: No Good Thing Does He Withhold

You’re Not Missing Out

As in the Garden of Eden, the appeal of disobeying God’s “no” always starts with the lie that he is withholding something good from us. That’s what the Serpent told Eve. And that’s what he still tells every person who wants to engage in behaviors God forbids, especially sexual sin.

Think about it: everyone who sleeps with a girlfriend or boyfriend, uses pornography, has a one-night stand, engages in a homosexual relationship, or even terminates an unwanted pregnancy is seeking something he or she thinks is good. It could be pleasure, emotional connection, relief from loneliness, a love he or she never received, a feeling of power or control, or escape from the consequences of a previous bad choice. But each of these people sees what he or she is after as something good and desirable, just as Eve did when she took the forbidden fruit (Gen. 3:6).

Christians are no exception. Though we know God’s rules, we’re still tempted by these and other sins. Looking at the sexual preoccupations of unbelievers, we can get the uneasy feeling that we’re missing out on the fun. You know what I’m talking about: that deep-down suspicion that the lifestyle our culture celebrates really is more exciting, liberating, and fulfilling than the lifestyle God has for us.

Before we say more, let’s get one thing clear: We don’t obey God’s rules primarily because we hope for earthly rewards. We obey God because he is God and we belong to him.

He created us, and (if we’re Christians) has purchased us anew at the heavy price of Christ’s blood. We obey because it’s right. But one of the ways we know whether something that looks good really is good is to observe its consequences. When we survey the consequences of the way our culture treats sex, it becomes clear that the promises of excitement, liberation, and fulfillment are lies.

Take just one example: cohabitation, now the most common way couples in America establish long-term relationships. Does it result in happiness and lasting love (which is still something most people say they want)?¹ Certainly, a lot of people are convinced it will. According to Pew Research, nearly sixty percent of American adults ages 18–44 have lived together with a partner outside of Christian dating at some point. Only fifty percent have ever been married.² In other words, cohabitation is now more popular than marriage. How has it worked out? Does moving in together lead to happiness and lasting love?

Bradford Wilcox with the Institute for Family Studies reports that only thirtythree percent of couples who move in together end up getting married. Fiftyfour percent break up without marrying. Cohabitation, in other words, is much more likely to end in a breakup than a “happily ever after.” But it gets worse. Thirty-four percent of married couples who lived together before getting engaged divorce within the first ten years, compared with just twenty percent of couples who wait until marriage to live together.³

And it’s not just cohabitation. The research is clear that all so-called premarital “sexual experience” hurts your chances of getting married, staying married, and living together happily. Jason Carroll and Brian Willoughby at the Institute for Family Studies summarized the findings of many different surveys and found that “the lowest divorce rates in early marriage are found among married couples who have only had sex with each other.”⁴

In particular, they wrote, ‘…women who wait until marriage to have sex experience only a 5% chance of divorce in the first five years of marriage, whereas women who engage in sex before marriage and report having two or more sex partners before marriage have between a 25% to 35% chance of divorce…”.⁵

In their latest research, Carroll and Willoughby found that “sexually inexperienced” people enjoy the highest levels of relationship satisfaction, stability, and — get this — sexual satisfaction!⁶ In other words,
if what you’re after is a lasting, stable, and fulfilling sexual relationship, nothing gives you a better chance at achieving that than waiting until marriage to have sex, which is God’s way. By contrast, nothing gives you a worse chance at achieving that kind of relationship than gaining sexual “experience” with multiple partners before marriage, which is the culture’s way. These findings are no secret. They have been widely reported in secular and mainstream publications like The Atlantic.⁷ 

You’d think a culture as obsessed as ours is with sex would at least be having a lot of it. But you’d be wrong. Far from sexually liberated, Americans today are having less sex than ever! The Washington Post reported in 2019 that nearly a quarter of American adults had not had sex in the past year. Twentysomethings, the group you’d expect to be the most sexually active, are having sex dramatically less often than their parents did in the 1980s and 1990s.⁸ Despite online dating, increased acceptance of hookups, and access to limitless inspiration in pornography, the result of all this liberation has been a less sexually active population.

Which segment of the population has the most sex? This may not surprise you by now, but according to the General Social Survey, it’s married couples!⁹

Summing up, many in our culture would like you to believe that purity is a drag. They want you to think of Christian sexual morality as a restrictive, boring, and unfulfilling way to live, and liberation from old-fashioned sexual rules as exciting, fun, and romantic. They want you to view disobedience to God’s rules as a shortcut to the good life. But the facts are remarkably clear: if you want a lasting, stable, fulfilling, active sexual relationship, there simply isn’t a more reliable path than doing things God’s way. The forbidden fruit of sexual freedom simply isn’t as sweet as advertised. It’s a lie. You’re not missing out on anything. The culture’s “yes” is a dead end, and God’s “no” exists to protect something far better — that beautiful gift he wants to give you and me. We’ll look at that “yes” next.

What Is Purity?

When we speak of “sexual purity,” it’s easy to form a picture in our minds of keeping clean from contamination. Certainly, that’s what “purity” often means in our language, and it’s a fine analogy in some ways. But it can also lead people who’ve messed up sexually to view themselves as permanently dirty or stained, as if they’ve gotten something nasty on them and need a good soap to wash it off. I think of those poor sea creatures that get coated in sludge after an oil spill. Their problem isn’t something that’s missing. It’s a lot of something they need to get rid of!

Strictly speaking, sin isn’t like that.

Let’s go back to creation. When God made the world as recorded in Genesis 1, he pronounced it “good” six times. The seventh time, after he had created human beings, he pronounced his work “very good” (Gen. 1:31). This divine appraisal forms the ethical background of all of Scripture. God likes the world he made. This includes our sexual bodies.  

The fifth-century church father Augustine of Hippo was the first to clearly express the idea, based on his reading of Scripture, that evil doesn’t really exist. Rather, it’s a corruption, distortion, or “privation” of the good God created.¹⁰ Evil is less like an oil slick and more like the darkness in the absence of light, or the emptiness when someone digs a hole, or the corpse when someone is killed. We speak of “darkness” and “emptiness” and “dead bodies” because our language forces us to, but these things are really just voids where light and earth and life should be. Evil is like this. We can only speak of it existing insofar as it leeches the energy from things that are good. As C. S. Lewis put it, evil is a “parasite.”¹¹ It has no life of its own. Everything that exists, in the view of Genesis 1, is “good.” If something is not good, it doesn’t exist in the biblical sense — it’s darkness, emptiness, and death.

When we sin, we are choosing to take the good things God created and gouge a hole in them. We’re turning off the lights. We’re snuffing out life. We’re perverting creation’s purpose and waging war on that “very good” God pronounced over his work at the beginning. This is nowhere truer than when we sin with our bodies. Let this be very clear in your mind: sexual immorality isn’t just getting dirty. It is an act of spiritual self-mutilation. It is a slow and deliberate killing of the person God made you to be (and the person he made your “partner” or victim to be). This is why Proverbs 5:5 says that a sexually immoral person is walking into his or her own grave. 

But if sin is an absence of something that should be there, rather than a substance you can get on you like dirt or oil, it means that what you need if you’ve sinned sexually isn’t a bottle of spiritual Dawn dish soap. You need healing. You need to be made whole, as God intended.

How do we know what healing and wholeness look like? How do we know what God intended for sex? From his commandments in Scripture, of course. But taking what we’ve learned so far, we can now say that God’s negative commandments are actually positive descriptions of how he created us, stated in reverse.

His “thou shalt nots” are actually, in a way, “thou shalts!” When he told Moses, “thou shalt not commit adultery” (Ex. 20:14), what he was really saying was, “thou shalt be sexually whole — according to my good design for your body and relationships.” Or put even more simply, “thou shalt be what I made you to be.”

Does that strike you as a strange description of sexual purity, or of God’s moral commandments? It shouldn’t. When Jesus was asked to summarize the entire moral law of God — every single commandment — he dropped all of the “nos” and rephrased it in two positive statements: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind,” and “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matt. 22:37–40). Both of these positive commandments were already present in the Old Testament (Lev. 19:18 and Deut. 6:5). And the Apostle Paul agreed, simplifying it even further with the statement that “love is the fulfillment of the law” (Rom. 13:8).

We were made to love. It’s what it means to be human, for we are created in the image of the God who is, himself, love (1 John 4:16). Every sexual sin the fall of Adam introduced into the world is a failure to reflect that perfect love of God. And that means it’s a failure to be fully human — to be fully ourselves.

Who are we? According to Scripture and Christian reflection on human nature (what theologians call “natural law”), we are monogamous sexual beings. We are the kind of creatures that were made to express sexual love only within a permanent and exclusive union with a member of the opposite sex. What is lust in the Bible? Lust is the perversion of God’s design for sex; it is a selfish, unrestrained desire that seeks to fulfill our own passions outside of the boundaries God has set for us. Christian dating should reflect this understanding, promoting relationships based on purity and commitment rather than the fleeting desires that lust encourages.

Do you believe that? Do you really believe that you were made for sexual purity? Do you believe that God’s rules for sex aren’t arbitrary regulations imposed from outside of you but faithful reflections of your very being and wellbeing? Because, according to the Bible, they are.

Here’s another analogy I’ve found helpful: C. S. Lewis described human beings as machines that God invented, just as a man invents an engine.¹² When the engine’s owner’s manual tells you what type of fuel to put in the tank and how to maintain the engine, these aren’t restrictions on the engine’s freedom. They’re accurate descriptions of how the engine functions, because the person who wrote the manual is the same person who built the engine!

God’s instructions for sex are like that. We are actually monogamous. We were actually designed for marriage or celibate singleness. The corruptions which sin has introduced into our desires and wills are really malfunctions, missing parts, or the wrong fuel. This is why they cause the human engine to break down. We weren’t made to run that way. This also means that God’s “yes” when it comes to sex is the owner’s manual he wrote after designing us. It accurately describes how to repair and run ourselves as sexual beings. 

So, what does that look like? What did God make the sexual human being to do? Why does his “very good” creation include this strange, wonderful, and exciting form of relationship the Serpent was so eager to corrupt? There are two answers.

—

Discussion & Reflection:

1. What surprised you in the statistics and information of this section? Did your reaction to those reveal some ways you’ve subtly believed the lies our culture is telling?
2. Are you tempted to resent any of God’s commands regarding sexual purity? What might be lying beneath that resentment, and what truth of God’s Word might you use to dislodge it?
3. How does this depiction of purity align with the way you’ve thought about it? Did this correct or fill in your grasp of God’s call on our sexual lives?
   

—

Part 2: What is Sex For?

Procreation

Here’s a question for you: Why do human beings come in two sexes? Why do men and women have such different bodies, crafted with distinct bone structures, musculatures, facial features, height, shape, chest areas, sexual organs both external and internal, and even sex chromosomes in every cell of their bodies? Why do men and women possess key anatomical systems that are functionless on their own, but which fit together like pieces of a puzzle? Why, when NASA sent the Pioneer spacecrafts to fly beyond our solar system in the 1970s, did they include metal plaques engraved with a nude man and woman side-by-side to show hypothetical extraterrestrials what our species looks like?¹³

The answer, of course, is reproduction. We were made to make babies. Every feature I just named is part of the dimorphic wonder that splits our kind into two halves that, when they come back together, can conceive, gestate, birth, and nourish new human beings. Our bodies are built around this capability.

It’s easy in a world dominated by consumerism, contraception, and hookups to forget this obvious purpose of our sexual bodies, but no one who has spent any time on a farm or in a biology classroom can miss it. Animals come in male and female varieties, and unite to produce offspring — many of them in a way that’s similar to human reproduction. According to Medieval Christian thought, humans are “rational animals,” sharing much of our natures with God’s other living creations. We’re different from them in many ways, of course, but in this important respect, we are like them: we reproduce through sexual union. The sexual differences between men and women, and sex in the Bible, are designed for procreation.

If this statement strikes you as strange, it is only because we have been conditioned to ignore the connection between sex and babies. Everything from TV and music to fitness culture and pornography have trained us to think of sex before marriage as something people do for fun, with zero commitment, consequences, or significance. Birth control has played an especially powerful role in concealing the nature of our own bodies from us. For all of human history until very recently, having sex has meant likely creating new human life. Biologically, this is its purpose! That reality caused societies to place restrictions around sex. Widespread contraception changed that. It made it possible for the first time ever to imagine sex without procreation — to sever these two tightly linked realities in a reliable way.

In her book, The Genesis of Gender, Abigail Favale summarizes how “the pill” changed sex from an essentially reproductive act to a recreational one — something we do merely for fun or to express ourselves:

In our imagination, reproduction has receded into the background. Our procreative capacities are seen as incidental to manhood and womanhood, rather than an integral aspect—indeed, the defining feature—of those very identities. We live and move and have our trysts in a contraceptive society, where the visible sexual markers of our bodies no longer gesture toward new life, but signal the prospect of sterile pleasure.¹⁵

Christians disagree on whether contraception is morally acceptable, and if so, when it should be used. We won’t address that question in this guide. The point I wish to make is that on a cultural level, reliable and widely available birth control changed the way we think about sex, turning it from a potentially life-altering, life-making act to a meaningless pastime. This isn’t what God intended.

When he created us, God could have caused us to reproduce in any number of ways. We could have divided like microorganisms. We could have produced seeds like plants. We could have cloned ourselves. Instead, God determined that humans would “be fruitful and multiply” through sex. When he gave Eve to Adam as a “suitable helper” in Genesis 2:18, one of the primary ways she was to help her husband was through bearing children. In fact, the prophet Malachi many centuries later says this was the very reason God invented marriage: “Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth.” (Mal. 2:15).

For animals, of course, reproduction is merely a matter of keeping the species going and spreading genes. But humans are much more than mere animals. Procreation for us has significance far beyond the need to renew our population. It has social and spiritual meaning, even for those who never have children.

Think about it: none of us is a self-existent or truly solitary individual. Unlike some animals, which only see each other to mate or fight, humans live together in societies. We know where we came from and who we are in part because of whose we are. We are not mere members of the same species passing warily in a forest. We are mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, husbands, and wives. We exist in relationships, because of relationships, and were made for relationships. The moment we are born, we fall into the arms of people we didn’t choose and receive care from them we didn’t earn.

This relational nature of human beings begins with procreation. And in this way, God designed sex to show us who we really are: deeply dependent creatures who have nothing except what we’ve received, first from other humans, and ultimately from him. This is tough for those raised in an individualistic culture to accept. We like to think of ourselves as autonomous, independent, and self-made. Yet the procreative nature of sex as God designed it testifies to an older, bigger, and more profound picture of humans — not as isolated units, but more like branches on a tree. We rely on the larger branches and trunk for our lives, and we in turn give life to new shoots and twigs that spring from us. This is who we are, whether we choose to live by God’s rules or not.

Keeping sex’s reproductive purpose at the front of our minds will help us avoid many of our culture’s errors. Children are a big part of God’s “yes” when it comes to sex, and any vision for sexual morality that ignores them is incomplete. God wrote self-giving love into the very biology of the human race. New people are (in his design) loved into existence, and receive their identities from that love. In the succession of generations as God planned it, each of us comes as a gift to our parents, and has received life as a gift. Those of us who have children will in turn give them the gift of life and receive them as God’s gifts from above. None of us, no matter how broken our families, are disconnected from the nourishing sap of the human tree. It’s why we exist!

Our culture wants to conceal this truth from you. It wants to convince you that your body is a plaything you own, not a marvelous gift from God, organized around the potential to make life (which is true even if you don’t or can’t have children). But it’s a lie. We don’t own our bodies. God does. And sexual purity means living in light of this wonderful fact. For Christians, the call to remember who owns us is doubly important. We were not merely created by God’s hand but were “bought with a price” out of sin by the blood of Christ. “Therefore,” writes the Apostle Paul, speaking of sexual morality, “honor God with your bodies” (1 Cor. 6:20).

In God’s owner’s manual for the human person, sexual relationships always take place with an awareness of procreation, and are ordered toward the wellbeing of any children that result from the union. But this also means, necessarily, that they are based on committed, permanent, self-giving love for one’s spouse. And that is the second purpose of sex.

Union

At the heart of creation is a principle: diversity-in-union. Long before Christ was born in Bethlehem, ancient Greek philosophers puzzled over what they saw as the problem of “the one and the many.” They wanted to know which was ultimate in the world: the union of all things or their diversity. When Christians came along, they began to answer the question in a surprising way: “yes.”

For Christians, both unity and diversity find their origin in the being of God himself, who, according to Scripture as interpreted by the Council of Nicaea, is one in essence but three in person — a Trinity. This principle of diversityin-union, unsurprisingly, is reflected in partial ways throughout creation. As Joshua Butler writes in his book, Beautiful Union, it shows up in the meeting of opposites that form the most spellbinding scenery in our world: sky and earth meet in the mountains, sea and land meet at the shore, and day and night meet in sunsets and sunrises.¹⁶ The atom is composed of three particles (protons, neutrons, electrons), time is composed of three moments (past, present, future) and space is composed of three dimensions (height, width, depth). Human persons are, themselves, a union of material and immaterial aspects that together make a single being. And sex is yet another instance of diverse things uniting to create something more wonderful and profound. As Butler writes:

Sex is diversity-in-union, grounded in the structure of creation…God loves taking the two and making them one. This is present in the very structure of our bodies and the world that surrounds us, pointing—so close to us that we can take it for granted—to a larger logic, a larger life given by God. God loves doing this, I believe, because God is diversityin-union.¹⁷

We mustn’t press these analogies too far when we’re talking about the mystery of the Trinity, but the sexual union between man and wife does reflect the very heart of Christian morality, which Scripture also describes as a core attribute of God: self-giving love (1 John 4:8). Love is the meaning of the universe and the fulfillment of God’s law. This is why we are meant to be loved into existence, and why permanent and exclusive marriage is the only context in which sexual love can fulfill its God-given purpose of fully uniting two people to become “one flesh” (Gen. 2:24).

Here we come to one of the most fundamental reasons why God’s “yes” for sexuality excludes all forms of sexual activity outside of marriage between a man and a woman. God designed sex to say, in the loudest way possible, “I want you, all of you, forever.” But only in marriage can a couple say these words honestly. In every other context, they are spoken with qualifications and conditions. In pornography and hookups, we say to one another, “I want only as much of you as it takes to satisfy my fleeting desires, but after that I want nothing more to do with you.” In sex before marriage and cohabitation, we say to one another, “I want you as long as it’s convenient and you satisfy my needs, or until I find someone better. But I’m not promising to stick around.” And in a culture of contraception and abortion, we say to one another, “I want some of what your body can offer me, but I reject its complete design and ability to make new life.”

The permanent union of marriage is the only place in which two people can fully, completely, and unconditionally embrace one another as sexual partners. It is the only place where lovers say to one another, “I accept you, all of you, in your fullness, as a complete person now and forever — not just what you can give me, but also what you need from me. I accept your capacity for emotions and intimacy, for friendship and procreation. I also accept your need for love when I don’t feel loving, for a place to live, for someone to watch over you when you’re sick or poor, for someone to help you raise children, for someone to walk beside you through old age, and for someone to hold you as you die.”

But the union God brings about in marriage is more than simply the union of a couple. It is a union of lives, households, fortunes, and names. It takes two families and joins them. It is the most basic building block of human society, the beginning of neighborhoods, churches, businesses, friend groups, and hospitable households. All who enter marriage begin a process that will profoundly affect the lives of human beings in addition to the one standing opposite the altar.

Marriage is a public act, and this is why it’s fitting to recognize it in law. God’s “yes” for sex is about much more than personal gratification or companionship. It is about reflecting his own nature — love — at the heart of human civilization.

But it gets even more wonderful and mysterious. In Ephesians 5, the Apostle Paul tells us that the “one flesh” union between a man and his wife signifies the union between Christ and his church. Butler calls it an “icon”¹⁸ that points to the way Jesus, God incarnate, has given his bride his flesh and blood on the cross, gives it to her in the Lord’s Supper, and will give it to her perfectly at his return, when he will make the lowly bodies of Christians like his glorious, resurrected body (Phil. 3:21).

In other words, marriage is a living parable in which the physical, spiritual, relational, and lifelong union between a man and a woman symbolically acts out the redeeming love of Christ for his people. That’s quite a “yes.” But it reinforces again what God’s “nos” exist to protect: when we violate his design for the lifelong union of our sexual bodies, whether we’re Christians or not, we’re lying about God’s own love and the very structure of creation. Worse, we are defacing the sacred image he chose to represent salvation, portraying Jesus as an unfaithful husband, and his work in the church as futile and failing. We’re not merely breaking God’s rules. We’re marring his image in us and in our relationships.

Non-Christians will dismiss much of what we’ve explored here. But for Christians, the union God intended in sex is deeply serious. Paul warns that since our bodies are “members of Christ,” when we misuse them, we are misusing Christ (1 Cor. 6:15). Whether we ever marry or not, all Christians are covenant participants in a greater marriage between the Lord Jesus and his bride, the church. We are bound to honor that marriage our whole lives by treating sex with the purity Scripture demands, either through godly marriage or godly celibacy (singleness). But we must always remember that the goal isn’t merely to follow a set of rules. It is to place faithful love on the throne of our moral lives — and in doing so to tell the truth about the God who showed his perfect love by creating us and redeeming us from self-destruction.

—

Discussion & Reflection:

1. In what ways did this section deepen your understanding of God’s design for sex? Are there ways that your views of procreation or union were enriched?
2. In what ways does our culture — and the evil one — war against the purposes of procreation and union?

—

Part 3: What About?

Can I Be Pure If I’ve Messed Up?

One of the enduring criticisms of “purity culture” (the name often given to evangelical books, conferences, and sermons on sex from the 1990s) is that it gave young people the impression that if they sinned sexually, they were forever “damaged goods.” In particular, critics cite a nightmarish parable from the opening chapter of Joshua Harris’s bestselling book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, in which a man at the altar on his wedding day is greeted by a procession of young women he previously had sex with, all of whom claim a piece of his heart.¹⁹

In reaction, bloggers and authors critical of “purity culture” have emphasized the grace of God in the gospel, and the fact that Christ’s work atones for our past lives and makes us “new creations” (2 Cor. 5:17). This is, of course, true — gloriously true! And there is nothing that matters more than our standing before God. Through the blood of Christ, received by faith, we are, indeed, washed clean of all our sins and given a righteousness not of our own making (Phil. 1:9).

But I’m not sure that critics understand what earlier “purity culture” authors were getting at, or why those authors warned their readers against sexual immorality in such dramatic terms. I don’t think evangelical parents, pastors, or writers in my youth were questioning the power of the gospel to give us a new start before God or absolve us of our sins, no matter how serious those sins are. Instead, I suspect “purity culture” figures looked around, saw the devastation of the sexual revolution in the wider culture, and wanted to highlight the natural consequences of distorting God’s design for sex before marriage and for our bodies — consequences that don’t necessarily disappear when we repent of our sins and place our faith in Jesus.

And such sins do have lasting consequences. Whether it’s the memory of past sexual partners, sexually transmitted diseases, children whose custody is shared between separated parents, trauma from abuse, or even regret from an abortion, sexual sin inflicts lasting wounds, both on those who commit that sin and on innocent parties. The gospel offers forgiveness, absolutely! But it doesn’t erase all the consequences of our bad choices, at least not on this side of eternity. This is part of the reason sexual sin is so serious, and why those who’ve violated God’s rules and repented are right to regret their past decisions. Because sex is so special and central in God’s plan for human beings, and because it connects us so intimately with the lives of others, rebelling against God’s design in this area causes lasting pain.

But that doesn’t mean those who’ve left sexual sin behind can’t go on to live pure and holy lives. This is where we need to reconsider the way we think about purity, discarding images of sin like that oil spill coating unlucky birds and instead think of wholeness, healing, and restoration to God’s design for his human creations. All of us need this healing, not only because we’ve committed personal sins, but because we are born into Adam’s rebellion, broken and inclined to make war against God from the moment we draw our first breath.

It is true that someone who has avoided certain sexual sins will also avoid the consequences that come from those sins. But to be sexually pure, or “chaste” as older Christian thinkers described it, is about much more than avoiding consequences. It’s about living our lives, no matter what our pasts, in light of Christ’s death for us and in pursuit of righteousness through the power of the Holy Spirit. The worst sinner in the world could repent, receive God’s forgiveness, and live a life of resplendent moral purity and holiness. This is, in fact, how the Apostle Paul summarized his own post-conversion life (1 Tim. 1:15).

If you have sinned sexually in the past and brought painful consequences on yourself and others, God wants to forgive you. He will do so, this very moment. If you repent and trust in Christ, he will declare you “not guilty” in his eternal court of justice and welcome you into his family room, calling you “beloved son” or “beloved daughter” and make you an heir of the family fortune along with Jesus (Rom. 8:17).

If you have received God’s forgiveness for sexual and all other types of sins, yet still struggle to think of yourself as “pure,” consider what we discussed earlier about evil being a distortion of God’s good creation, with no existence of its own. You aren’t a white sheet of paper marred by black ink blots, or a sea gull coated with petroleum. You are a wonderful but damaged creation that has a purpose, a design, a glorious end, but is terribly wounded and needs its maker to piece it back together. You need to be made whole, and that is exactly what “purity” should mean: living in obedience and agreement with the design of the God who made you, who loves you, and who stands ready to turn your life around. This is a key part of your relationship with God — living according to his design and resisting temptation.

As before, it gets better. The God who loves you and promises all this is in the business of turning what was meant for evil into good. These are the words of Joseph to his brothers in Genesis 50:20 after they betrayed him and sold him into slavery in Egypt. God used their terrible sin and murderous hearts to save the nation of Israel from a deadly famine. He can certainly use the consequences of sexual sin to bring about great and mysterious blessings beyond human comprehension. He is a mighty God — so mighty that he turned the most wicked act ever committed, the killing of his Son, into an atonement that brought about the salvation of the world (Acts 4:27). Trust him, and he can use your story for good, no matter what you’ve done. He can make you pure.

Can I Be Pure If I’m Single?

Finally, we come to a question many in the church are asking, but which few seem to know how to answer: how can those who are not married and have no immediate expectation of getting married embrace God’s “yes” for sex? Doesn’t “purity,” for them, consist entirely of saying “no?” What the Bible says about sex is clear: the only place for sexual union is within marriage, and celibacy is not a denial of God’s design but a positive commitment to guarding the heart and remaining pure.

This is where we need to pay special attention to God’s positive plan for human sexuality, not just his negative commandments. It’s true that Christianity imposes a stark choice on us: lifelong faithfulness to one spouse, or lifelong celibacy. Those are the options, both pleasing to God. But neither option is an incomplete or unfulfilled way of being human. Rather, both are ways of honoring and insisting on the fullness of God’s design for sexuality. Both are refusals to compromise the gift of bodily life he has given us, or to degrade others made in his image by loving them halfheartedly. Both marriage and celibacy are deeply natural and in harmony with his design for human beings; both are ways of living in sexual purity.

Part of the reason Christians insisted so sternly on these two choices was that for unbelievers in the first century, exploiting others for sexual pleasure was the norm. Christianity introduced a radical reform of sexual morality to GrecoRoman society, what Kevin DeYoung has called “the first sexual revolution.”²⁰ Into a culture in which high-status men were permitted to satiate their sexual urges whenever and with almost whomever they liked, the followers of Jesus demanded faithful marriage or celibacy, and early leaders of Christianity modeled both.²¹

We know that the Apostle Peter, for instance, was married, as were “the Lord’s brothers” and other apostles (1 Cor. 9:3–5). So were Aquila and Priscilla, a missionary couple who lived, worked, and traveled with the Apostle Paul (Acts 18:18–28). Many among the apostles and other key figures in the New Testament were single. In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul even portrays singleness as a better option than marriage in light of his readers’ “present distress,” since it allows the Christian to focus solely on “how he can please the Lord” (1 Cor. 7:26–32). Jesus himself, humanly speaking, was single for life. He did this not in order to avoid God’s blessings, but precisely because remaining single on earth was a means by which he would purchase his eternal bride, the church. In other words, the New Testament consistently models singleness as aimed at something glorious, not aimed away from it.

What does the Bible say on sex? Sex is a gift within the confines of marriage, a sacred union. Sex in the Bible is for the purpose of procreation and intimacy within marriage, and it’s designed to bring a husband and wife together as one flesh.

Toward what will your singleness be aimed? That is one of the most important questions you can ask if you believe God has called you to purity through lifelong celibacy. In biblical terms, being unmarried enables a Christian to serve God’s kingdom with undivided focus and dedication. Missionaries in dangerous settings, certain clergy, servants to the poor and sick, and Christians with particularly demanding ministries of any kind should expect God to leverage their singleness to great effect, as Paul describes. Single Christians are not concerned with “the things of this world” like married people are, and can give their full attention to serving God (1 Cor. 7:33). Singleness is not an opportunity to please yourself. It is a high calling from the Lord.

As we saw earlier, being single also doesn’t mean marriage and family are irrelevant to you. All of us are products of sexual unions, tied to people around us through bonds of blood, and enmeshed in communities shaped by families. Family is still the basic building block of society, and the future of any church, community, or nation depends ultimately on couples making babies. Every time you interact with, care for, or disciple children, you are participating in the lives of families, and your ministry as a single Christian can influence countless others to use their sexuality according to God’s design, as outlined in sex scriptures and Bible verses on purity. You may not be married, but you are deeply connected to marriages all around you.

Finally, consider this: marriage rates in the United States are at an all-time low. There are many reasons for this, ranging from loosened sexual morals and the decline of religion, to economics and a culture that prizes autonomy and achievement over family. This means the fact that you’re single right now might not be normal, historically speaking, and might not be God’s long-term will for your life. Birth rates are falling throughout much of the world, and in many countries, they have reached the point where not enough babies are being born to replace the old who die. Obviously, this is unsustainable for long. And it tells us that something has gone wrong.

Writing at the Christian journal First Things, Kevin DeYoung diagnoses the problem as a spiritual one:

The reasons for declining fertility are no doubt many and varied. Surely, some couples want to have more children but are unable to do so. Others struggle with economic pressures or health limitations. But fertility does not plummet worldwide without deeper issues at play, especially when people around the world are objectively richer, healthier, and afforded more conveniences than at any time in human history. Though individuals make their choices for many reasons, as a species, we are suffering from a profound spiritual sickness—a metaphysical malaise in which children seem a burden on our time and a drag on our pursuit of happiness. Our malady is a lack of faith, and nowhere is the disbelief more startling than in the countries that once made up Christendom. ‘I will multiply your offspring as the stars of heaven,’ God promised a delighted Abraham (Gen. 26:4). Today, in the lands of Abraham’s offspring, that blessing strikes most as a curse.²²

In short, a lot of people — millions — who should be marrying and having children, and normally would be at any other time in history, are no longer doing so. This is largely because modern societies have tried to ignore the procreative purpose of sex, and have prioritized other goals in life, and so have come to view babies as a burden to avoid. The Bible on sex clearly connects sex to marriage and family, encouraging godly relationships in the context of commitment. It’s reasonable to consider this context in which you live, and question whether our society’s increasingly negative attitude toward marriage and children has affected your decision making. Sex before marriage is often portrayed in a distorted light, and by rejecting biblical boundaries, we risk losing sight of what God intended for sexual union.

How will you know whether you should be pursuing marriage? Quite simply, if you desire sex before marriage and are committed to obeying God’s rules, you should strongly consider marriage. What the Bible says about lust is clear: it warns us to flee from temptation and to keep our desires in check, and presents marriage in part as a remedy to sexual temptation (1 Cor. 7:2–9). If you don’t feel specially gifted for lifelong celibacy, then you should be preparing yourself for marriage and pursuing a spouse. This is not always easy, of course, and it will look different for men and women and from context to context. But record low marriage rates are a sign that something has gone very wrong with our society. Before you conclude that God is calling you to singleness, consider whether you might, instead, be called to purity with a spouse. 

—

Discussion & Reflection:

1. How does your blood-bought status as a “beloved son” or “beloved daughter” change the way you think of your past sins, sexual or otherwise? Perhaps now would be a good time to reflect on the glory of Christ, who’s made all his disciples white as snow.
2. Do your views of singleness align with what’s described in this section?
3. The Bible calls us to “let marriage be held in honor among all” (Heb. 13:4).
   How can that look in your life, whether you’re married or single? 

—

Conclusion: God is For You

In his masterful sermon, The Weight of Glory, C. S. Lewis criticizes the way modern Christians substitute negative attributes like “unselfishness” for positive virtues like love.²³ He sees a problem with this habit of talking in negatives: it sneaks in the suggestion that the main goal of behaving morally isn’t to treat other people well but to treat ourselves badly — not to give them good, but to deny it to ourselves. We seem to think being miserable for its own sake is godly. Lewis disagrees. 

He points out how, in the New Testament, self-denial is never an end in itself. Instead, saying “no” to sin and the things that hinder our faith (Heb. 12:1) is about pursuing something more excellent, that is, abundant life in Christ. Scripture constantly describes this abundant life in terms of rewards, pleasures, and delights, both in this world and the next. It promises that by following Christ and obeying his commands, we are ultimately pursuing our highest good — the “eternal weight of glory” Paul says is worth any earthly suffering or self-denial (2 Cor. 4:17–18).

Lewis’s point is that God really and truly wants what’s best for us. He wants to give us ultimate happiness (joy), which is only found through loving him and loving others as he does. He really is for us, not against us. Waking up to this fact means learning to want, fiercely and desperately, what God wants for us, because that alone is what we were designed for, and everything else is a cheap substitute. Lewis writes:

…it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.²⁴

God made us for something wonderful, and sexual purity is part of that gift. The reason he says “no” so often to our corrupted sexual desires is that he wants to give us something far better. Our problem is not that we want sex too much. In a very important way, it is that we don’t want it enough! We want a piece of it here and there, a little nibble of God’s gift, turned toward selfish and fleeting desires. What our culture offers when it comes to sex is the equivalent of mud pies. The various distortions of God’s design for our bodies can never deliver what they promise, because they contradict the design built into us as image-bearers. God’s rules for sexual purity may sound like a denial of pleasure, expression, self-fulfillment, happiness, freedom, companionship, or even romance. In reality, those “nos” exist to protect a “yes” so glorious, this present age can’t fully contain it. If you choose to live in faith and according to God’s rules, you will find it. And when those without faith ask (perhaps on a long flight) what you’re against, you can tell them instead what you’re for, and what they were made for.

End Notes

1. 95.5 percent of teenagers still expect to marry, National Center for Family & Marriage Research analysis of NSFG 2017-2019: https://mastresearchcenter. org/mast-center-research/teens-self-reported-expectations-and-intentionsfor-marriage-cohabitation-and-childbearing/
2. “Marriage and Cohabitation in the U.S.,” Pew Research, November 6, 2019: https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2019/11/06/marriageand-cohabitation-in-the-u-s/
3. “Perspective: Cohabitation doesn’t help your odds of marital success,” Brad Wilcox and Alysse ElHage, Deseret News, April 26, 2023: https:// www.deseret.com/2023/4/26/23697625/cohabitation-happy-marriageliving-together-taylor-swift?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=dnsocial&utm_campaign=twitter&utm_content=deseretnews
4. “The Myth of Sexual Experience,” Jason S. Carroll and Brian J. Willoughby, Institute for Family Studies, April 18, 2023: https://ifstudies.org/blog/themyth-of-sexual-experience- 5.
5. Ibid
6. “Fewer Sex Partners Means a Happier Marriage,” Olga Khazan, The Atlantic, October 22, 2018: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2018/10/ sexual-partners-and-marital-happiness/573493/
7. “The share of Americans not having sex has reached a record high,” Christopher Ingraham, The Washington Post, March 29, 2019: https:// www.washingtonpost.com/business/2019/03/29/share-americans-nothaving-sex-has-reached-record-high/
8. “Married People Have More Sex,” Nathan Yau, Flowing Data, March 7, 2017: https://flowingdata.com/2017/07/03/married-people-sex/
9. Confessions, Augustine of Hippo, book 7, chapter 12, paragraph 18
10. Mere Christianity, C. S. Lewis, Chapter 2: The Invasion, pg. 28: https:// www.dacc.edu/assets/pdfs/PCM/merechristianitylewis.pdf
11. Mere Christianity, C. S. Lewis, Chapter 3: The Shocking Alternate, pg. 30: https://www.dacc.edu/assets/pdfs/PCM/merechristianitylewis.pdf
12. “Pioneer Plaque,” Solar System Exploration, February 13, 2018: https://solarsystem.nasa.gov/resources/706/pioneer-plaque/
13. Summa Theologiae, Thomas Aquinas, first part, question 29. The divine persons, article 4, reply to objection 2: https://www.newadvent.org/ summa/1029.htm
14. The Genesis of Gender, Abigail Favali, 2022 Ignatius Press, 143.
15. Beautiful Union, Joshua Butler, Multnomah Books, 2023 pg. 21
16. Beautiful Union, Joshua Butler, Multnomah Books, 2023 pg. 31
17. Beautiful Union, Joshua Butler, Multnomah Books, 2023 pg. 4
18. I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Joshua Harris, Multnomah Books, 1997, pg. 13
19. “The First Sexual Revolution: The Triumph of Christian Morality in the Roman Empire,” Kevin DeYoung, The Gospel Coalition, September 9, 2019: https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/kevin-deyoung/firstsexual-revolution-triumph-christian-morality-roman-empire/
20. “We Are Repaganizing,” Louise Perry, First Things, October 2023: https:// www.firstthings.com/article/2023/10/we-are-repaganizing?fbclid=IwAR0 0JGZUPxs3VrIfpTOED_3n1FMOtD9sBwCPNWLk4mrnLB0iB-U1Hd4hUBE
21. “The Case for Kids,” Kevin DeYoung, First Things, November 2022: https:// www.firstthings.com/article/2022/11/the-case-for-kids
22. The Weight of Glory, C. S. Lewis, pg. 1: https://www.wheelersburg.net/ Downloads/Lewis%20Glory.pdf
23. The Weight of Glory, C. S. Lewis, pg. 1: https://www.wheelersburg.net/ Downloads/Lewis%20Glory.pdf

About the Author

SHANE MORRIS is a senior writer at the Colson Center and host of the Upstream podcast,
as well as cohost of the BreakPoint podcast. He has been a voice of the Colson Center since 2010 as
coauthor of hundreds of BreakPoint commentaries on Christian worldview, culture, and current events.
He has also written for WORLD, The Gospel Coalition, The Federalist, The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, and Summit Ministries. He and his wife, Gabriela, live with their four children in Lakeland, Florida.

#5 Your Body as Temple: Biblical Stewardship of Health and Worship

Part 1: An Embodied Beginning

As with many important topics, the best place to begin our considerations is in the early chapters of Genesis. Moses sets the scene in Genesis 1 by telling us that God created the heavens and the earth, forming the structures of creation and filling them with life. Each day features a fresh miracle: light shining, land forming, plants sprouting, creatures living. And all along the way we read the divine verdict: “God saw that it was good.” He created all things with his sovereign speech, and then delighted in his handiwork.

Day six, however, provides a plot twist. Having completed his forming of the natural world, the Godhead has taken counsel and decided to create something to guard, keep, expand, and rule over this creation:

“Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth” (Gen. 1:26).

What sets this creation apart, though, is not only the task given to man, but how he’s made. Moses writes,

“So God created man in his own image,

in the image of God he created him;

male and female he created them.”

The animals were not made in the image of God. Nor were the trees, nor the stars. Man — male and female — was created in God’s own image. And after giving man the task to be fruitful and multiply and exercise dominion, God declares that this image-bearing creation is “very good.”

Perhaps you’ve noticed that, by the time you come to the close of Genesis 1, we know a good bit about the task given to man, but we don’t know much about what man is or how God designed him. So we keep reading and let Genesis 2 zoom us in closer to the scene.

Genesis 2 tells us that “the Lord God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature” (Gen. 2:7). There it is, the first glimpse of what man’s made of. He’s created from earth’s dust, built from the ground up, and then filled with the breath of life.

This description is foundational for understanding the body as a temple. God’s image is stamped into humanity, not just spiritually but physically, with our bodies being the vessel of the divine breath. In this sense, humanity is uniquely designed, and each person’s body as a temple holds the sacred responsibility of reflecting God’s image to the world.

This brings us to the truth that biblical stewardship over our bodies is part of fulfilling the purpose for which God created us. How we care for our bodies, maintaining the sanctity of this temple, is an expression of our worship and responsibility to God.

As we keep reading we see that, given the task God gave the man to fill the earth and to exercise dominion, “it is not good that the man should be alone” (Gen 2:18). He has tasks to perform that he cannot accomplish in solitude. But no suitable partner exists among the animals, so the Lord sees to it that this problem gets solved: “I will make him a helper fit for him.” The Lord then “caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man” (Gen 2:21–22). The woman’s suitability as a helper to the man is due to her being made from him.

Thus were Adam and Eve made, and the same physical, embodied existence has been handed down all the way to us. If you are a man, you share physical characteristics with Adam. If you’re a woman, you share them with Eve.

These early chapters of Genesis are, to state the obvious, introductory to understanding the human body, but they are also foundational. Without the inspired narrative captured in these chapters, we would be left with conjecture and confusion.

So what do we take away from Genesis 1–2, and how do these passages contribute to our understanding of the body as a temple? Let me suggest some answers:

1. God creates our bodies. This means he wants us to have them and to view them the way he does. Our bodies as temples are part of the good creation he made.
2. God creates our bodies good. God did not make a mistake when he formed the man and woman, and he did not make a mistake when he formed us. He created Adam and Eve as embodied people before the fall of Genesis 3. Their bodies were not, then, something inherently negative and dangerous, but part of the good creation. As such, we are called to honor the body as a temple and care for it as God’s design.
3. We receive our bodies. This is the inverse of the first takeaway — he gives, we receive. These simple truths are rejected all around us, as people instead believe they can define their physical reality. But our bodies are not blank canvases on which we create what we want; they come with some answers hardwired in them. For example, our bodies tell us whether we are male or female. If our minds tell us otherwise, we do not have the right to overthrow what God did by creating us. Instead, we align our minds with the reality of our bodies. God’s creation of man is intentional, and we must embrace our bodies as they are created.
4. Our bodies are important. God gives them to us, and he gives us a task to perform with them: be fruitful, exercise dominion. We want to steward our bodies in a way that allows us to fulfill the tasks God gives us. In doing so, we honor our body as a temple, using it to glorify God through our actions and service.

—

Discussion & Reflection:

1. What takeaway from Genesis is most helpful to you? Are there things mentioned above that you haven’t fully considered before?
2. Can you think of a current cultural example where God’s design for our bodies is being overthrown?

—

Part 2: An Embodied God

The Genesis account presents an open-and-shut case, making it abundantly clear that God intended us to have bodies and that our bodies are good. But if anyone needed more evidence, the incarnation of the Son of God should more than satisfy.

The Bible teaches, and Christians have always believed, that God exists in three persons: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. The blessed trinity has enjoyed perfect bliss for all eternity within the Godhead. John’s Gospel tells us that the second person of the Godhead is “the Word”: “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God” (John 1:1). The Word exists eternally with God and as God.

These are mind-bending and soul-stretching truths. And it keeps going. A few verses later, John makes the incredible claim that “the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory” (John 1:14). The Word — who has existed since the beginning and who is God himself — became flesh.

Does this mean that Jesus remained mostly spirit and only appeared to have a body? No. In fact, that belief has been condemned since the first century as dangerous false teaching. Jesus was not pretending to be a man. He was fully and truly human.

Why did God the Son take on human flesh? To redeem embodied sinners. The redemption he wanted to accomplish was the redemption of our whole selves, body and soul. And in order to redeem us fully, he had to become like us fully. The writer of Hebrews makes this very point:

“Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery. For surely it is not angels that he helps, but he helps the offspring of Abraham. Therefore he had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted” (Heb. 2:14–18).

Jesus took on flesh and blood so that he might save flesh-and-blood sinners. In every respect he became like us, so that he can save us to the uttermost. He came not to save our souls only, but to save us wholly.

One early church writer, Gregory of Nazianzus, put it this way:

“That which He has not assumed He has not healed; but that which is united to His Godhead is also saved. If only half Adam fell, then that which Christ assumes and saves may be half also; but if the whole of his nature fell, it must be united to the whole nature of Him that was begotten, and so be saved as a whole.”

This profound truth underscores the sacredness of the body as a temple. Jesus, in fully embracing humanity, affirms the worth of our bodies, giving them eternal significance in the work of salvation. As believers, this reinforces the biblical stewardship of our bodies, knowing that they are not just vessels, but temples of the Holy Spirit, redeemed by Christ’s sacrifice. Our bodies are not mere physical forms but integral to the fullness of redemption and Christian living.

In other words, if Jesus did not take on a fully human nature, then our fully human natures cannot be redeemed. Had Jesus not taken on flesh, our bodies would have been left out of the picture. This would only be half good news, since our souls and our bodies are subject to the effects of sin and require redemption. When Adam fell, the body that was created good became subject to frailty and weakness. Work became difficult, his body could get sick and wounded, things didn’t always work the way they were supposed to, and the aging process made him weaker until finally he died.

So the eternal Son of God — he who was in the form of God — emptied himself by taking on the form of a servant and being born in the likeness of men (Phil. 2:6–7). Why was he born in the likeness of men? So that he could die in human form. Only that which was assumed could be redeemed.

The incarnation of Jesus Christ transcends our understanding, but it is there in the pages of the Gospels. Jesus grows, he eats, he sleeps, he cries, he sings, he lives, and he dies. Matthew records that when the disciples first saw Jesus after he rose from the dead, they “took hold of his feet” (Matt. 28:9). Why would Matthew relay such a minute detail? To make it clear that this was a real person the disciples were seeing and touching. Jesus was no apparition, either before or after his resurrection. He is a man, through and through. And, incredibly, he remains so. He ascended into heaven with his body (Acts 1:6–11), and he now sits at the right hand of God in human flesh.

God created our bodies good. And the Son of God took a body for himself that he might redeem embodied sinners. In this, our bodies are not only redeemed but become sacred, for the body as a temple is central to understanding the wholeness of Christ’s work in salvation. The redemption of our bodies is part of God’s ultimate plan to restore all things, and through Christ, our bodies are now temples of the Holy Spirit, awaiting full renewal.

—

Discussion Questions:

1. How have you seen the effects of the fall manifest in your physical life, and that of those around you?
2. Why did the Son of God have to take on flesh?

—

Part 3: What The Body is for

something we have, like a permanent set of clothes. Rather, our bodies are a part of who we are. There is not a “true” version of ourselves that exists apart from our bodies. Human beings exist as embodied souls, and — as established in God’s creation of man and in the incarnation of Jesus Christ — this is a very good arrangement.

Now that we know that our bodies are a good gift from God, an important question to ask is “What are they for?” As tempting as it may be to start listing out a list of practical steps for stewarding your body, we will only know what steps to take if we know what purpose our bodies have. If someone has a hammer, but is unaware that its purpose is to pound nails into lumber and walls, they might end up trying to use it for something completely unrelated. The problem is that, if you try to use it in a way it’s not intended to be used, it won’t work. You can try to eat spaghetti with a hammer, and you might get a few noodles in your mouth, but that’s not what a hammer is for. Only when you know what it’s for can you start talking about the technique involved in effectively swinging a hammer.

So it is with our bodies. Before we know the techniques of faithful stewardship, we need to know the body’s purpose.

Made for Worship

To answer that question, I want to look first at Romans 12:1: “I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.”

Paul urges his readers to “present your bodies as a living sacrifice.” What do we know about sacrifices? For one thing, they’re not usually “living” when they’re offered. The Old Testament sacrifices were animals slain to atone for the sins of the people. But Christ came to die in the place of sinners — to be the lamb of God (John 1:29). So there is no longer any need for bloody sacrifice. Christ’s blood is sufficient; all we have to do is believe. So Paul does not mean that we present our bodies as this kind of Old Testament sacrifice.

Instead, Paul is exhorting us to view our bodies as something we offer to God in his service. Our whole selves belong to God — body and soul. And Paul wants everything we do in our bodies to be offered up in the service of God.

How do we do this? Paul tells us: by living lives that are holy — with whole hearts and whole bodies devoted to God. Earlier in Romans, Paul wrote something similar: “Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness” (Rom. 6:13).

We discipline ourselves so that our bodies are not instruments of sin, but of righteousness, holy and acceptable to God. Our sacrifice to God is made with our living bodies, seeking to do everything, whether eating, drinking, or whatever we do, to the glory of God (1 Cor. 10:31). As the body as a temple, our lives must reflect that we belong wholly to God.

One implication of Paul’s instructions in Romans 12:1 is that “worship” is not merely something that takes place on Sunday mornings in a certain place for a certain amount of time. The Bible does command us to make corporate worship a part of our lives (Heb. 10:24–25), but Romans 12 has more in view than going to church. It is telling us that our entire lives are worship. Everything we do with our bodies is to be done unto the Lord — for his sake and in his ways. As you well know, there is not a single thing we do apart from our bodies. Even our thinking takes place within our bodies, and in the very next verse of Romans 12, Paul encourages his readers to be “transformed by the renewal of your mind.” This too is part of our living sacrifice.

In summary, what we do with our physical bodies is our spiritual worship. This highlights a deeper truth: the body as a temple is not just a metaphor but a reality in how we serve God. Our bodies are sacred spaces where God’s Spirit dwells, and they are meant to honor him in every action.

To revisit the question asked above, “What is our body’s purpose?” I hope you can see the answer now: our bodies are made for worship. And everything we do ought to be done to bring glory and honor to our creator. This is the way we reflect the image of God in man — living as God intended, with purpose, honor, and spiritual vitality.

Fruitful Dominion

Another important consideration when thinking about the purpose of our bodies comes from Genesis. When the Lord creates Adam and Eve, Moses tells us that God “blessed them” and said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth” (Gen. 1:28).

What does this have to do with our bodies? Well, everything. Because this gets at the heart of what our responsibilities are as human beings. We are to “be fruitful and multiply” and to “have dominion” over the created order. Both parts of this mandate are inherently bodily tasks. God created us so that both multiplying and exercising dominion require the use of our bodies. This is yet more confirmation that our bodies are not merely something we have, but are part of who we are as humans.

As Christians, there is more we’re called to do than be fruitful and have dominion, but there is not less than that. Our bodies, then, enable us to offer spiritual worship to God as we obey his commands, including the call to rule and multiply, fulfilling our role as image-bearers of the Creator.

—

Discussion & Reflection:

1. What is your body for? How does its intended purpose relate to how we should and shouldn’t view our bodies?
2. What might it look like for you to view all of life as worship, and not just Sunday morning?

—

Part 4: Stewardship Considerations

With these fundamental truths established — namely, that God’s creation of man as embodied souls for the purpose of worshiping him, and that the Son of God took on human flesh to, among other things, affirm the goodness of our bodies — we can now turn to some practical matters.

How do we go about faithfully stewarding these God-given bodies? I want to consider a few crucial categories. In Eden, the Lord told Adam to “work” and “keep” the garden. And those two categories map quite well onto how we are to steward our bodies.

Work the Garden: Bodily Training

One sign of immature thinking is when someone can only put matters into two categories: most important or not-at-all important. What I mean is that there are all kinds of theological issues and questions that are not as urgent as the divinity of Christ and the authority of the Scriptures. Questions like those are, in fact, the most important ones. One less important question — one about which I have a firm opinion — is the question of “who should be baptized?” It’s an important question. Is it as important as the divinity of Christ? No. But that does not make it unimportant. So it is with many things, and we need to be able to rank, or triage, matters of importance and consider them properly.

Paul takes this very approach with the question of bodily training. In his first letter to Timothy, Paul writes “train yourself for godliness; for … godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come” (1 Tim. 4:7–8). There’s no doubt in Paul’s mind that training for godliness should be a priority in Timothy’s life and all who read the letter. Godliness carries value in this life and into eternity, and any who neglect it are opting to lower their own quality of spiritual life. Perhaps you noticed that I didn’t include the entire verse. In that ellipsis between “for” and “godliness” are the words, “while bodily training is of some value.”

Read the verse again, with all the words included: “Train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.”

Which is more important, training for godliness or training our bodies? Godliness, of course! But notice that Paul doesn’t fall into the trap of thinking that something must be either the most important or unimportant. Instead, he affirms that bodily training is “of some value.”

If physical training has some value, what does that mean for us? Easy: we should train our bodies, honoring the body as a temple.

Exercise

I am not a personal trainer or body builder, and the purpose of this guide is not to provide a training plan for you. But what I do want to convey is that, because our bodies are to be stewarded faithfully, training our bodies has value. And that kind of training will look different for everyone.

When I think about bodily training, I prioritize doing things I enjoy, doing some things I should do, and then trying to make the best use of the time. For example, I enjoy running, and I have never regretted the decision to go for a run. There are some things I should do that go along with that, but that I don’t really enjoy, like stretching and certain exercises to fend off injuries. And then I try to make the best use of the time by planning what to think about or listen to while I run. Just last week I went for a run and used the time to generate an outline for a lesson I was scheduled to give at my church. So I enjoyed the run, and was able, by God’s creation of man, to enhance the time. I also like to lift weights, not for the purpose of gaining a bunch of mass, but to prevent atrophy and enable me to keep running. I’m not as young as I used to be, so there are aches and pains that put a limit on how far I run and how much I lift, but I enjoy those activities and they work for now.

What matters is not so much what we do, but that we do it. If we want our bodies to be used in spiritual worship (Rom. 12:1), and we want to exercise dominion faithfully (Gen. 1:28), we should tend to bodily training.

Before I list some of the benefits of bodily training, let’s first identify a couple of the possible pitfalls.

Two Pitfalls to Avoid

We ought not believe that we can extend our lives beyond what God has sovereignly ordained. God has already determined the length of our lives, and no amount of exercise is going to change that. I have to remind myself of this regularly. In God’s providence, the generations that preceded me in my family did not live very long. Between my two parents and four grandparents, only one person lived beyond the age of 70, and three of them didn’t make it to 60. I would also add that bodily training was not a feature of many of these lives, and so part of my motivation in staying healthy is to lead a healthier life than my forebears. But I have to remember that no amount of exercise is going to extend the number of days that God has appointed for me. It’s a glorious comfort to know that “in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them” (Ps. 139:16). Before our birth, God ordained precisely how long we would live. He has fixed the day of our death. Jesus asked his listeners a question that makes a similar point: “And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?” (Matt. 6:27). So if anyone believes he can extend his life by exercise, he is mistaken. Although we cannot add to the quantity of our days, regular exercise can affect the quality of our days.

You likely know someone who loves to work out, and who loves for other people to know that they work out. In other words, the bodily training is done not in the name of stewardship, but of vanity. This kind of pursuit is not the kind that pleases the Lord, for no matter how strong or attractive we may be, the Bible tells us that the mighty man ought not to boast in his might (Jer. 9:23) and that beauty is vain (Prov. 31:30). We are all prone to self-centeredness, and we need to be careful that our bodily training does not become an expression of this self-centeredness. Similarly, there is the temptation to give too much of our time and energy to the task of staying fit. You know that’s the case when other areas of responsibility begin to suffer for our devotion to our workout.

The pitfalls are not excuses for avoiding exercise, but dangers we should know about as we pursue bodily training. The benefits of exercise are so many that they far outweigh the danger. Let’s consider a few of them.

Benefits

First, exercise encourages self-control. The Scriptures call us repeatedly to practice self-control. When Paul writes to Titus and tells him how different people are to live — older women, older men, younger women, younger men — self-control is all over the lists of virtues. In fact, the only instruction for young men is that they should be self-controlled (Titus 2:6)! The Proverbs, too, call for self-control, warning us that “a man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls” (Prov. 25:28). What does this have to do with physical exercise? Bodily training both requires self-control and encourages it. It requires self-control because in order to exercise, you will need to plan when to do it and where. Your schedule likely doesn’t have big gaps of time for you to exercise, so you’ll need to make those sessions happen. And there will be days when you don’t feel like exercising, and you’ll need to rule your spirit on those days (Prov. 16:32). This is why Paul can say that “every athlete exercises self-control” (1 Cor. 9:25). Similarly, exercise will encourage self-control. What I have found to be true is likely true for most people: self-control and discipline in one area begets self-control and discipline in other areas. It will lead to more disciplined use of time, and will hopefully make us more mindful of what we eat and how much we sleep.

The second and corollary benefit is that exercise discourages sloth. The lazy person has many plans, but no action. He or she may talk about getting in shape and exercising self-control, but there’s always a ready excuse for why this is not a good time. Simply starting a routine of exercise, even a modest one, is a great way to take the offensive against laziness.

Third, there are a host of physical, mental, and emotional benefits that are widely recognized. Those benefits include physical aid like boosted energy, more control of your weight, and improved sleep. Bible verses about healthy living emphasize that maintaining a healthy body is part of honoring God’s design for us. Then there are more mental and emotional benefits like helping maintain a better mood and keeping stress and anxiety down. For me, and I assume for others, exercise is something of a time multiplier. What I mean is that, though it takes time out of my day to exercise, the energy bump makes me more efficient and productive after I exercise. Exercise takes time, but it improves the quality of work I do when I’m done.

The last benefits I’ll mention are that, when we take care of our bodies through exercise, it will make us more useful to others.

– If you have young children, it’s a blessing to be agile enough to get on the floor with them.
– Your spouse will appreciate it if your body does not decline ahead of schedule.
– Your church will likely have ways you can serve physically. For example, there may be people who need help moving on occasion. And while your schedule may give you a (welcome) reason not to help, you don’t want your physical condition to disqualify you.

There are more benefits than these, of course, but you get the point. The question is how will it look for you to exercise? Can you take your dog on more walks? Can you coach your kids’ cross country team? Can you get a low-cost gym membership? Ride bike with your kids, walk with your spouse, do some pushups and situps every morning? God does not give us a training plan, and he does not require us to become fitness gurus. All he asks is that we be faithful stewards of the body he has given us. Stewardship of the body is about using what God has entrusted us with to honor Him in all things, including our health.

Keep the Garden: Food and Sex

“Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.”
-1 Corinthians 6:19–20

We do not belong to ourselves, but to God. And the purpose of our bodies is to bring glory and acceptable worship to God. Body as a temple is a central concept in Scripture, reminding us that how we treat our bodies reflects our relationship with God. What does this have to do with food and sex? A good deal, in fact.

Let’s first consider food.

Food

Bible verses about healthy living teach that food is not only for sustenance, but a gift from God, to be consumed with gratitude and in moderation.

From God

Our provision is from him. When Jesus taught his disciples how to pray, he included the petition: “give us this day our daily bread” (Matt. 6:11). By teaching us to pray for our daily needs, Jesus is seeking to orient our hearts and minds to the truth that if we are going to have our daily needs, God is going to need to provide.

Later in that same chapter, Jesus teaches us that our Father in heaven delights in doing just that, and so we need not worry:

Do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? (Matt. 6:25–26)

I venture to guess that most of us who have grown up in the culture of American abundance have not worried about our next meal. We have never been far from a grocery store. So our temptation is likely not anxiety about whether we’ll have food, but presumption that we need not pray for it. And yet the Bible is adamant that the source of all provision is our heavenly Father.

In the beginning, God told the man and woman that he gave them the plants and trees “for food” (Gen. 1:29). Then he tells Noah in Genesis 9 that “every moving thing that lives shall be food for you” (Gen. 9:3). God created the animals and seeds that grow in order for us to eat. The psalmist tells us that it is the Lord “who gives food to the hungry” (Ps. 146:7), and that “the eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food in due season” (Ps. 145:15).

What is the proper response to this truth that God is the giver of our food? The proper response is to thank him. Paul wrote to Timothy these words that prove immensely helpful for our thinking about food: “For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, for it is made holy by the word of God and prayer” (1 Tim. 4:4–5). May our pre-meal prayers reflect this truth: that our food is from God, and we owe him our thanks.

As we acknowledge God as the provider of all things, biblical stewardship teaches us that we are responsible for how we care for the body He has given us. This includes honoring God with our body through the way we eat and care for ourselves, a reflection of how to honor God with your body.

For Our Enjoyment

The second way to respond to God’s provision is to enjoy what he gives. Solomon emphasizes this response throughout Ecclesiastes.

Look at what he teaches:

– “There is nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment in his toil. This also, I saw, is from the hand of God” (Ecc. 2:24).
– “I perceived that … everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God’s gift to man” (Ecc. 3:12–13).
– “Behold, what I have seen to be good and fitting is to eat and drink and find enjoyment in all the toil with which one toils under the sun the few days of his life that God has given him, for this is his lot” (Ecc. 5:18).
– “And I commend joy, for man has nothing better under the sun but to eat and drink and be joyful” (Ecc. 8:15).
– “Go, eat your bread with joy, and drink your wine with a merry heart” (Ecc. 9:7).

Why does Solomon so insist that we enjoy our food and drink? Because it’s God’s gift to us, and it honors the giver if we enjoy what he gives. A parent is not honored when a child opens a gift and grumbles about it. But it brings joy to the mom and dad who watch their child open a gift and take delight in it. So it is with what God supplies for our provision. He gets honor when we thank him and enjoy the gift.

Another reason why Solomon calls for joy is that it’s a great way to cultivate contentment. If we are busy enjoying God’s gifts to us, do you know what we’re not doing? We’re not wishing we had someone else’s gifts, and we’re not grumbling in our hearts about what we don’t have. We’re content, and there is great gain in contentment.

In case you think we’ve lost track of our concern about stewardship, we have not. Gratitude and enjoyment are part of glorifying God with your body. If we truly believe that our bodies are not our own, it will affect what we choose to eat. If you were responsible to ensure that someone else had good, healthy eating habits, you would put thought and care into what to feed them. And yet for many of us, myself included, we do not use such thought and care into our diet. This is a mistake because, as we know, our bodies are a temple, and we are caring for a body that has been entrusted to us. Biblical stewardship involves recognizing our responsibility to care for and honor the body God has given us, treating it with the respect it deserves.

I said above that I am not a physical trainer. I am even less of a nutritionist. I’m not what some call a “foodie,” and I enjoy ice cream. Until fairly recently, one of my motivations for exercise was that it allowed me to eat whatever I want. I have since realized that this may not be the best approach to diet and exercise. So my own practice includes limits on when I eat (occasional intermittent fasting) and on how much I eat (general portion control). In addition to those simple things, I have benefitted from being more mindful of how much processed food and sugar a food contains. If you want detailed analysis of those things, I am not the person to provide it. But there is a lot of research out there that would encourage us to eat food that’s more natural and less processed than many of us do.

As with exercise, this will look different for everyone. Given how common food allergies and intolerances are, there will not be a one-size-fits-all solution. But the call to steward our bodies is a call to be aware that our bodies are not our own, and to guard the body as a temple by watching our diets.

Sex

To get a more full grasp of what it looks like to be faithful to God in the area of sex, I would encourage you to read Shane Morris’s excellent field guide on that topic. But for our purposes, let Paul’s exhortation guide you: “The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. And God raised the Lord and will also raise us up by his power. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ?” (1 Cor. 6:13–15).

To repeat myself yet again, your body does not belong to you. It is for the Lord. One way that someone rejects that truth is through sexual immorality. God created sex, and as with everything he made, he created it good. But perhaps more than anything else in all of creation, sex has been marred by sin. Confusion abounds in our culture when it comes to sex. If you want to steward your body faithfully and shine as a light in a twisted generation, flee sexual immorality and pursue godliness. It is a tragedy that the pursuit of chastity outside of marriage and of faithfulness within it is abnormal, but that is the current state of things.

But it is far better to swim upstream with God’s favor than to go along with the current and end up destroyed. What does it look like to steward your body and swim upstream? It includes:

– Quitting and staying away from pornography (Matt. 5:27–30)
– Learning how to control your body (1 Thess. 4:3–8)
– Being faithful to your spouse (Matt. 5:27–32)
– Not coveting the spouse of another (Ex. 20:17)
– Denying same-sex urges and activities (Rom. 1:26–27)
– Keeping the marriage bed honorable (Heb. 13:4)

That is a rough outline of the path to sexual faithfulness, and it’s a good place to start. There are slithery lies all around us telling us that God has not really said these things, and that if we live by these words it will rob us of the joy and pleasure we deserve. Those are lies we must reject. The path of faithfulness is the path to a clean conscience and full joy. So steward your body by devoting yourself wholly to the Lord. Your body is his.

—

Discussion & Reflection:

1. Describe your relationship to food. Do you think of food as simply fuel for your body, or something to be enjoyed? Are you more inclined to worry about food or presume upon provision? Are there changes you think you should make to your eating habits?
2. Are there things in your life that are in conflict with the rough outline of sexual faithfulness above? If so, what needs to change?
3. What do you think about the Bible’s teaching regarding bodily training? Was this something you’ve considered before?
4. What are your own training habits? Do you do any training? Are there changes you want to make or should make?
5. If you do consistently exercise, what are your primary motivations?

—

Part 5: More Stewardship Consideration

We’ve covered some of the big categories for body stewardship, but there are other considerations worth giving some attention. One is a positive reminder, the other a warning.

Take Your Body to Church

One of the best things you can do as you steward your body is go to church. If you’re reading this field guide, you likely already know that it’s good to worship with other believers on the Lord’s day. But do you know that it’s something God commands? The Holy Spirit inspired the author of Hebrews to write, “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near” (Heb. 10:24–25).

In order for us to stir up other believers to love and good deeds, we must not neglect “to meet together, as is the habit of some.” The act of meeting together requires our body to be in a specific place on Sundays and not somewhere else. You will be somewhere on Sunday mornings, the question is whether you will be at church or elsewhere.

The technology that allows people to livestream worship services and listen to sermons online can be a blessing. At my church, it’s common to have members utilize the livestream when they’re sick or out of town. We also have a podcast where we post sermons and make those available. We think those are good things to offer in service of our members and outsiders. But what can be a problem is when someone views a livestream or a podcast as a replacement for physically gathering with other Christians at church.

A livestreamed service can certainly be encouraging and instructive. But it also encourages us to think of our churches as a product to consume rather than the family of God and body of Christ, where we are to serve and worship the Lord Jesus with his people. When we gather physically, we have the benefit of hearing other members lift their voices in song, we get to hear the wonderful sounds of crying babies and turning Bible pages, we hear the Word preached, and we have opportunities to fellowship before and after the service with God’s people. None of those things can be replicated online.

So, please, go to church. If you’re not part of a church or you’re currently part of a church that does not preach the gospel and teach the whole counsel of God, maybe this is the time for a change. Your body is going to be somewhere on Sunday mornings; why not make it a priority to be physically present at a healthy, God-honoring church.This is part of embracing a healthy Christian lifestyle and honoring the body as a temple, serving God with your body and soul connection.

Put Your Phone Down

This field guide is not about stewarding technology, so I won’t belabor this point. If you have eyes and have been in public at any point over the last decade, you’ve noticed the ubiquity of the smartphone. And, like most technology, its capabilities are stunning and can absolutely be used for good.

But attachment to our phones also has a numbing, dehumanizing effect. For one thing, it monopolizes our attention while we’re on it. And if we’re in a room with other people, being on our phone is poor stewardship of our physical presence. And then there’s the content on our phones, which can consume our time and focus such that our online “world” is more real and affects us more than the world in which our body resides. We want to pursue moderation in use of all technology, including our phones. They can be amazing servants, but how quickly they become much more than that in our lives, diverting us from our calling to exercise dominion over creation and steward our attention and presence wisely.

But What About?

We live on this side of Genesis 3, and one of the effects of the fall is that not everyone’s body functions the way it should. We all know people who were born with a physical defect or have suffered a serious injury that changes what faithful stewardship looks like.

Our God is sovereign and good, and all that he does is right. No injury or defect has ever occurred outside his loving providence, and he does not require of us things we cannot do. What he requires is that we be faithful with what he’s given us. And he is patient and gracious beyond what we can imagine.

We all feel the effects of sin in our bodies to one degree or another. The fact that we experience decline and die is one effect that nobody escapes. And before we die there is the possibility of disease, sickness, cancer, accidents, injuries, and more. Our bodies are a part of the created order, and the fall of man plunged not only our moral frame but our physical frame, into a tailspin. The Apostle Paul says “the creation was subjected to futility” at the fall, and we join with all of creation in groaning and waiting for “the redemption of our bodies” (Rom. 8:20, 23). Even as we seek to steward these jars of clay, our hope is in their final restoration.

Christian holistic health reminds us that we are made up of both body and soul, and that physical health cannot be separated from spiritual well-being. As we care for our physical bodies, we must also consider the spiritual meaning of the body—that it is a vessel for worship and a reflection of God’s glory. Stewarding our bodies includes caring for both our physical and spiritual health, acknowledging that both are deeply interconnected.

—

Discussion & Reflection:

1. What does your involvement in your church look like? Is attendance a given for you, or could you grow in this area?
2. What is your relationship to technology like? Are you able to keep it in its proper place, or does it encroach on your life in unhealthy ways?

—

Conclusion: Eternity

What do you think heaven is going to be like? Do you imagine a ghost- like existence, floating on a cloud while playing a harp? Or do you imagine yourself eternally existing as a spirit dwelling with God? The Bible teaches that we will be raised from the dead and enter into the new creation. We will dwell with God forever as physical beings with restored and glorified bodies. The Apostle Paul gives extended attention to this incredible truth.

When explaining what the resurrection of the dead will be like, Paul says that, “What is sown is perishable; what is raised is imperishable. It is sown in dishonor; it is raised in glory. It is sown in weakness; it is raised in power. It is sown a natural body; it is raised a spiritual body. If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body” (1 Cor. 15:42–44).

When we die, we will go to be with the Lord. In that intermediate state, we will wait for the call of God when we will rise. Just as Jesus stood outside the grave of Lazarus and ordered him to come forth, so will he do with his people. Paul summarizes what it will be like later in the same chapter when he says that “the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality” (1 Cor. 15:52–53).

Our bodies will be a continuation of the body we steward now, but a glorified version. We will die in our current body, and this perishable, dishonorable, weak, natural body we seek to steward will rise imperishable, glorious, powerful, and spiritual. And there will be no sickness and sorrow, no injuries and illness, no defect in our bodies that we need to steward with care. And there will be no temptation to indulge our appetites and laziness.

How good it will be. We will dwell in our resurrected bodies forever, in the presence of our incarnate and resurrected Lord. Until then, serve him with your body.

About the Author

MATT DAMICO is the pastor for worship and operations at Kenwood Baptist Church in Louisville.
He’s co-author of Reading the Psalms as Scripture and has written and edited for a number of Christian publications and organizations. He and his wife, Anna, have three incredible kids.